05x03 - Big in Japan

[bunniefuu]

Last time on Lost Girl...

This is Tartarus.

I am Persephone, wife of Hades.

And I am your stepmother.

I know this place.

I was born in Hell.

Hades would gloat about what his daughter would become.

You're not a God. You're a coward.

Bo: Got your candle.

Your way out.

Light this when you get home.

For my family, so they know I'm safe.

I can't keep being a lost human in the Fae world trying to be Fae. I'm not Fae.

I need to go.

♪ ♪

Sure you don't wanna use a bigger roller?

Size isn't everything.

And you have to admit, this one's pretty cute.

True.

You know you had to prime this wall first, right?

And take valuable time away from picking out the perfect painting outfit?

Y'know what, you're right.

Time well spent.

Every occasion is an occasion, so might as well dress for it.

Sounds like wise Kenzi words.

Okay, you're k*lling me.

It's a "W."

Bo: (Laughing)

What's next?

You gonna teach me to sh**t pool?

I don't think we've ever actually used a pool table to sh**t pool.

There's no strings attached here if that's what you're worried about.

I'm not worried.

I have a headache.

Paint fumes.

Nothing I haven't helped cure before.

Um...

Mm. That's nice.

Are you thirsty?

I'm, like, so thirsty.

♪
♪ (singing off key)

♪ (Singing off key)

(Cheering)

Thank you Musashi and Ikettes.

Once again proving just because you're Fae, doesn't mean you can sing.

(Giggling)

You wanna apologize, jackass?

Sorry you're having a terrible time.

Here. For your dry cleaning.

Your next round of drinks and...

a down payment on your mortgage, perhaps?

Kanpai!

What is that?

New cocktail.

It's deadly.

♪

Three unharmed bodies from the elevator crash, three blood types.

All human.

But... There's a fourth blood type.

Fae.

Could you just try to be surprised?

That machine cost a hundred thousand dollars.

Priceless.

Lauren: No bruises, no scratches. Three of them like this. Completely unscathed.

Aside from being dead?

Elizabeth Helm.

Junior lawyer.

Healthy. She's pretty too.

Any connection between her and the other two?

No, nothing yet.

One's a VP.

Family man.

And the other's a bike courier taking classes at a night school.

The key is this Fae blood.

I'm processing it.

I'll see if I can determine the exact type.

(Phone ringing)

A little on edge, Dr. Lewis?

(Chuckling)

I'm fine, Dyson.

Just help me locate the owner of the Fae blood type.

I'll see if I can isolate what preserved the bodies.

(Phone ringing)

Gonna get that?

I think this is a little more important, Dyson.

Someone begs to differ.

(Phone ringing)

Uh, no. No, thank you. Not interested.

(Phone beeping)

"Free Caribbean cruise."

That was a death thr*at, wasn't it?

Yep.

Bet you've been getting a lot of those since you turned the Morrigan into a human.

Word is spreading.

Well... it's good to have fans, right?

The kind that wanna k*ll you?

Come on, Dyson.

It's not that a big deal.

It is to the Fae.

With the Light and Dark in flux, lines are being blurred.

Especially those of the law.

Lauren, you created a powerful w*apon.

A w*apon people want.

It's gonna make you a bit of a walking target.

When have I not been a walking target, Dyson?

I'm kinda used to it.

This is different.

The Fae are scared.

Okay. So, I have to be, too?

Not scared.

Ready.

Look Dyson, I appreciate your concern, I do.

But do you really think if somebody was trying to k*ll me they'd call me up and warn me about it first?

Come on.

How's Bo?

How is she dealing with everything?

Still renovating?

Yeah. Still renovating.

But that's it?

That's it!

♪

It's so not okay.

Yo!

What if I was doing something important?!

Like p*rn?

What is that?

Post work-day nosh.

Let's get our night on, Bo-Bo.

Looks like you've already started.

Mmhmm. And you need to catch-up.

Behold, all things gummy, yummy and covered in tube-cheese.

Oh my God, it's like eating a burp out of a frat boy's mouth.

I know. It doesn't look very good.

Honestly, how did Kenzi do it?

Top chef-ing out of all this disgusting food in that kitchen?

You put that tube cheese away.

What? No.

I'm gonna get this right.

No, there's no need, we're going out.

Girl.

(Laughing)

So... are you hungry?

Yeah... Good idea.

Two sausages coming up, my treat.

Not the kind of sausage I had in mind but who am I to turn down free food.

North Of The Border.

How much would it cost to get you two there?

Hate to break it to you buddy but, we're not prostitutes.

Yeah.

But like, how much you got?

North Of the Border's a club. N.O.B.

Thought you'd be interested in a night cap.

At the nob club?

No thanks.

Now if you'll excuse us...

We're buying sweaty hotdogs from a guy who hasn't showered in weeks.

Woo! Friday.

You'd rather go for a ride with could-be Ted Bundy?

Yeah.

I'm not a serial k*ller.

Too much of a neat freak.

I'm also not funny.

Look I've insulted you.

How about you gimme a chance to make it up.

Onegai shimasu.

Not tonight, night rider.

Domo.

You speak Japanese?

Toire wa doko desu ka?

That's incredible.

Thanks.

You know what else is incredible?

Tonight.

You, me. Having fun.

What'd you say?

Yes.

You're right.

Cancel those dogs.

We're young, fun and up for anything.

You'll lemme buy you those drinks?

Oh yes! And many more after that.

Are you coming?

What the hell.

On one condition: I drive.

Rock and roll.

You want me to adjust the seat for you?

(Beeping)

Lisa: Dr. Lewis.

Sorry. You almost gave me a heart att*ck.

Sorry. I'll, uh... walk louder next time.

Is it okay if Sam and I head out now?

Both of you? Now?

Should have a great night.

Party hardy as they say.

OK, well you have a good night now.

Okay.

Don't stay too late.

(Scoffing)

Okay.

♪

Lisa, is that you?

Did you forget something?

(Clattering)

Hello?

♪

I'm warning you.

I'm armed.

And I'm... I'm very toned.

(Clattering)

♪

Just in case you were wondering where this is...

It's uh... I'll put it right there.

Okay.

Tell me again why I took the boards off the windows?

Something about maturity, growing up and taking control.

I am so wrecked.

Hey, did we...?

No.

Do you mind if I...?

No. Go ahead.

I can't...

Well, your breath isn't a minty expl*si*n either, "Chosen One".

Uh, Tamsin.

What, woman? I'm tired.

Make up your mind.

No. Not that.

Tokyo police club.

He's still here.

♪

Nice Kn*fe.

Thought you weren't a serial k*ller?

Tamsin: Mm, cereal.

Do I know you?

Ooh, harsh.

And a first for me.

Yeah, well, it's common for the guy to take off in the morning.

I can't do that.

Care to explain why?

♪

A fail-safe assassin has been tapped to k*ll me.

Sucks.

Looks like you need a bodyguard.

It's a good thing I already have two.

♪

This is the fish that almost kills you?

That's hamachi.

The assassin used a rare breed of piranha.

Big Tak'o.

It's kind of a signature.

Those are some hands.

Thanks to grandma Yuki Onna.

It's not even their best trick.

So what are we up against?

The best.

Tak'o was the top competition from my bounty hunter days.

♪

Wait, you're not that Musashi?

The Musashi?

Musashi Musashi?

Ow.

In the flesh.

I can die in peace.

Care to fill a country girl in?

Musashi fought and won one of the greatest battles in all of Fae history.

The greatest.

Oh, he's humble.

From within the darkness, evil spread across the land, and the great Musashi rode in on a ray of sun.

Musashi called forth the wind, commanding a great blizzard to distract the army.

And though miles away, Musashi leapt over the army, and landed at the w*rlord's feet with a blade to his throat.

And then I suppose he slept with the village's thirty virgins.

Forty.

My honour and skills are unmatched.

Seriously?

I beg your pardon, great Musashi.

I didn't realize pouring tea was such a difficult task.

If my girls weren't so hungover from accompanying you last night, they could pour your tea instead, Exalted One.

Tomoe.

My charming sister.

Only sibling?

Three brothers.

Haru.

Osamu.

Craig.

So if you're such a God among Fae, why is someone trying to k*ll you?

It may have something to do with this.

♪

He's ascending.

Becoming king of his ancestors.

A God.

♪

To what do I owe the privilege, Dr. Lewis?

Train me. Like you did Kenzi.

You don't exactly scream shadow thief.

Well, I was thinking less panty removal, more self-defence.

Thought you said there's nothing to worry about.

Last night's tango with a broom, gave me time to rethink.

Okay.

Take your coat off.

We can start with some basics.

What? Now?

You wanna wait until after you're att*cked?

Do you wanna put your shirt on?

I'd hate to offend you. It's sensibility style.

Happy?

Delighted.

Show me how you defend yourself.

(Muttering)

Dyson, wait.

Wait, wait, wait, wait!

Keep your eyes open.

Okay.

Is this what your foreplay with Bo is like?

Okay. Maybe, um...

Can we start with something simpler?

You turned a Fae into a human.

Your life isn't simple anymore, Lauren.

Now defend yourself.

Does it have to be so extreme, Dyson!

Extreme is your new reality.

Whether you like it or not.

♪

Y'know what? This was a mistake.

I never should've come.

Lauren, wait. Wait.

I just wanted to see how you moved.

But you're warmed up.

We'll find something that works for you.

We can run some practice tests.

Tests?

See, I like tests. Yeah...

Okay.

Let's find out who called the hit so we can get them to call it off.

Maybe a survivor from the Koretoki clan.

To think I still have enemies...

Well, take it from me.

You don't have enemies, you're doing something wrong.

Honour is very important to me.

(Battle cry)

♪

If you're going to k*ll me, at least tell me who sent you.

♪

I didn't know it was you.

Exalted One, please accept my life as penance for this grave insult.

♪

(Grunting in pain)

No!

Feed off of me.

I can't.

♪

Assassin down.

Unknown person who hired the assassin, still at large.

Deep breath.

Just a little prick.

Never thought I'd hear you say that.

I've never had to stitch you up before.

It's like you're human.

Yeah. We're the same now.

No, no, no.

This is a minor set-back.

Before you know it, you'll be back to your Succubus-self.

I don't know what's wrong with me, I tried feeding off Tamsin.

Oh.

Well.

Tamsin.

Well, not just Tamsin.

Dyson, too.

Ow.

Sorry.

You know what?

Why don't... you let a medical professional help you heal?

Lauren.

Trust me.

Lie back.

It's not gonna work.

Wow. That is, um...

That's a problem.

Yeah, I told you.

Bo, it's nothing to be ashamed of.

There could be many causes.

It's not that I don't want to...

I want to.

It happens...

No, not to me!

Bo, it's perfectly normal from time to time not to want to.

Sometimes, if there is a major change in your life, or...

I have no sex drive!

The last time I didn't want to was before I even knew I could.

Why don't you stay here with me?

I'll monitor you, conduct some tests.

I have to go.

I have plans.

Case plans.

Bo.

You have never been this vulnerable before.

You get any injury, and your life could be in danger.

Just promise me that you'll be careful.

♪

I promise.

♪
♪

Trick, did Aife ever go through... a dry spell?

Um...

The year my daughter lost interest in... you know... was the longest year of my life.

Year?

Like a weird sprite year that translates into maybe two Succubus days?

For Fae, um... sex... is an important release.

For you, a Succubus, the, um, orgasm, is particularly vital.

You just said orgasm.

(Sighing)

It's conceivable that because of the year that you've had...

The deaths, going to Hell, Kenzi leaving.

It could be psychological.

Maybe it's a good thing.

No power, no responsibility, no being "The One."

I can be free...

Bo.

It's one of the brothers.

The picture we found on Big Tak'o?

Musashi says Craig took it during a secret party trip in Osaka.

He's the only one who could have it.

Jealous Craig?

Next in line to ascend?

We can't let Craig know Musashi questioned his loyalty.

He's big on honour.

So we tread lightly.

Yeah, that's not my forte.

I got this.

♪

You're new.

I can tell by your touch.

Bo: How's the pressure?

Craig: You don't need lotion.

My skin is naturally lubricated.

Yes, you are rather slippery.

I am new, but I am here to please you...

And your brothers.

It's the greatest escape from the pressures of the day.

What can I say, it's... Spiritual.

I can see that.

Do you ever bring Musashi?

With all the pressure he's under?

Musashi?

Not often, no.

Why not include the ascending one?

♪

I asked for a deep tissue, not an interrogation.

You.

What do you want?

(Gasping)

Hot stone massage to the rescue.

What're you doing here?

Take it easy.

I'm trying to help your brother.

You're getting in the way.

My brother can't ascend!

It was you.

You ordered the hit.

To save him.

Before it's too late.

♪

Musashi cannot ascend.

Not if his sister is calling hits on him.

You don't understand.

If he attempts to ascend at the ceremony, he will turn into this...

This can't be a real Fae.

It is.

It's an Akaname.

If someone is dishonest with our ancestors, they bestow this fate.

So Musashi is lying.

It would be dishonorable for me to say...

The sun, the blizzard, the virgins.

The whole sweeping saga wasn't him...

He's not a bad man.

He has lived his lie for so long, he's come to believe it.

If he's not the warrior, who is?

There is dishonor in revealing a truth that is not yours to reveal.

So you called the hit because death is better than becoming a human plunger?

I knew Big Tak'o would never k*ll the Exalted One.

No one would.

I hired him to scare Musashi into finding his truth again.

If Musashi could admit his dishonour, he'd be saved...

♪
♪

Whoa.

Where's Musashi?

He left the ceremony.

We have to stop him.

What?

What're you talking about?

He'll be safe now.

He's not the real deal.

If he ascends, he'll turn into an Edamame.

Oh, delicious.

Oh, wait. You mean, Akaname?

Filth licker?

Yeah, that's the one.

Ooh. Eternity spent as a toilet brush.

There's a fate worse than death.

Let's pull back the curtains on the great and powerful Musashi.

Suit up.

Got one of those for me?

♪

My k*ll Bill Part 1 and 2 fantasies coming true.

Let's take down an ascension.

May the feet of the Exalted One never touch the ground.

♪

(Grunting)

Iku.

What?

Go!

♪

(Battle cries)

Tamsin: And the great Musashi rode in on a ray of sun.

Musashi called forth the wind, commanding a great blizzard to distract the army.

Musashi leapt over the army, and landed at the w*rlord's feet, putting a blade to his throat.

And the w*r was over.

What have you done?

Dirty laundry, meet air.

Musashi is not the true Exalted One.

The honor belongs to Tomoe.

Musashi?

Care to explain?

I...

Someone assumed it was me.

I didn't...

I never denied it. I...

All this time, it was our sister.

Tomoe, you are the Exalted One.

♪

That's right.

Bow down, b*tches.

♪

You're sure this is my thing?

From the wrist, not the whole arm.

(Metal clanging)

Okay, if you were at your clinic right now, and you were att*cked, what would you use?

To make someone unconscious, etorphine or go home.

For paralysis, tabun spray.

And to k*ll: digoxin.

Or I could go classic with a good ol' fashioned batrachotoxin dart.

(Imitating dart sound)

What?

If you can throw with the same passion that you apply to science, we'd be getting somewhere.

Now remember: wrist.

I wanna try the axe again.

Maybe when you're a little less agitated.

Maybe you give me something other than "from the wrist."

What d'you want, a physics equation?

You have one?

It's about listening to your gut.

Your instinct.

You have one, right?

Dyson, usually I'm fixing the damage these things cause.

Okay, good.

Why do you do that?

Because I'm a doctor. I help people. I save them.

Well think of this as the same thing.

We keep you safe, so you can keep saving others.

Like Bo.

Yeah, like Bo.

♪

What's wrong?

Back at the portal, I stopped Bo from saving Kenzi.

I dunno if it was the right thing or wrong thing to do. But... what I know for certain is that Bo blames me.

Always will.

I wish.

I wish she blamed you, Dyson.

Or me.

Or Trick.

Or Jean Luc Picard for all I care.

But Bo blames herself.

The weight of the world...

Rests on her very attractive shoulders.

So, it's not me?

No, it's not just you.

And you guys...?

You know what? I think what Bo needs right now is a friend.

Now!

From the gut.

From the gut.

You're okay.

Everything is okay.

You're strong, you're smart, you're sexy...

♪

I was meant to ascend.

The honour was mine.

You ruined everything.

♪

(Grunting in pain)

♪
♪

Bo, please feed off of me.

Dyson: Lauren, what's happening?

There's no medical explanation.

It doesn't make sense.

Suction!

♪

(Machine beeping)

She's stabilized, Dyson.

But the internal damage is bad.

If she doesn't feed...

It's really stupid what you're doing.

Tamsin...

Is this who you are now?

I don't wanna do this.

You wanna leave? Fine.

Fine.

Enough!

What are you doing?

Wanna pack it in?

Lemme help you out.

Tamsin, stop. You're gonna k*ll her.

It's what she wants!

You heard me. Leave.

I lose everyone.

My mom, dad, Kyle, Rainer, Hale...

Kenzi.

Bo...

Bo: She's gone, Trick. Who's next?

I mean, that's what being The One is, right?

The Queen, marching forward, never looking back.

It's only a matter of time before I lose all of you.

I will always be alone.

We share the same blood.

Wherever you go, I go.

You will never be alone.

Bo, you stole my heart.

I'm never gonna ask for it back.

You will never be alone.

I'm not goin' anywhere.

Ever.

Out.

♪

Everybody.

All: What?

Oh!

Except you.

No strings, right?

No strings.

(Metal instruments clanging)

(Moans of pleasure)

So your new lab is really nice.

It's really, um, bright.

Yeah.

It's not the worst, is it?

No.

And the equipment is...

Fuggetaboutit.

Top o' the line.

So, you're okay with... what's going on in there?

Bo and I are friends. So, yes.

I'm okay with what's going on in there.

That's good.

(Metal clanging)

What's going on here?

I just want to say that you're full of surprises.

And most of them are down right horrible.

But sometimes... every once in a while, they're just what everybody needs.

♪
♪

Get it together.

♪
♪

Is that green, Jasmine...

A subtle blend of s*ab-in-back?

You survived.

Yes.

So you'll keep an eye on him?

He will pay his debt to our family.

Table three wants more tea.

And the toilet's overflowed again!

Please, end this.

End me.

That's what you came here to do, isn't it?

That's the easy way out.

This is your new life.

Try and live this one with honour.

You don't know what it's like.

You betrayed the people who were there for you.

I was "The One".

I was their leader.

I couldn't reveal that I was weak.

Being open doesn't make you weak.

It's honest.

A good leader is being what you need to be, when you need to be it.

Strong.

Merciless.

Vulnerable.

I was chosen.

You don't know what that's like.

Actually, I do.

And it's bullshit.

♪

Last one today.

Not critical, but insisted on seeing you.

Mr. Keats.

Says here you have stomach pain and a history of peptic ulcers.

Dr. Lewis?

I didn't think you'd be so small.

Thank you.

(Chuckling)

♪

Serum. Now!

Okay, okay.

Just... put the Kn*fe down...

(Gasp)

Just stay calm, Lisa.

Please, I beg of you.

Move!

Okay.

Okay.

I just need to get it. Please, don't hurt her.

♪

Is that all of it?

I want all of it.

(Deep breathing)

♪

You want it? You got it.

(Gagging)

(Gasping)

♪

Ketamine.

Good choice.

(Sighing)

Does that super-nose of yours not work on popcorn?

I like it burnt.

That's sociopathic of you.

So, you and Bo?

What about it?

I help her heal from time to time, okay?

So I am single and ready to...

Don't say mingle. It creeps me out.

What about you, huh?

You're quitting the force?

(Scoffing)

Yeah, I'm going to quit my well paying job with a pension to play PI with my roommate.

Um, kickstarter, hey!

D'you have any money for spy cams?

Well, after seeing you guys in action...

Yes, you are a hot mess but I think it works.

Come on. The guys at the shop'll miss me too much.

The boys at the shop crap their pants whenever you walk in.

Yeah, they'll miss that.

Work with Bo.

She needs you.

Wine!

Beer!

Yes!

What took you so long?

Well, I had to get something under control.

I used my gut.

Well done.

Any news on the Fae blood sample?

No. Not even close.

I've checked it against every single database.

This has never happened before.

Must be dealing with something hella old.

Or brand new...

Bo: Hey, guys!

Are we watchin' a movie or not?

Of course.

Dyson: Yes!

Wine or beer, Bo?

Beer me.

Lauren: Okay.

Me too.

Tamsin: Me three!

Bo: Okay...

What's it gonna be?

ROM-com?

Trashy sci-Fi?

Period drama?

Horror.

Horror.

Horror.

Yeah.

Horror it is.

Oh, yeah, yeah. Werewolves. Come on.

No!

(Laughing)

(Boom, boom)

(Heavy breathing)

(Heavy breathing)

(Chuckling)

No way this date can be worse than the last guy.

Yeah, the one that checked his Tinder while I was mid jalapeño popper.

Ugh, I should've worn a better bra.

♪

Can you see me?

Can you see me?!

Say it.

I... I see you.

Good.

For me.

For you?

♪ ♪

Thanks, I needed that.