01x01 - Episode 1

[bunniefuu]

Oh Heck!

Now, what's wrong?

They're not reading our notices, Leroy.

Timeless shopkeeper's prose.

Shakespeare amongst the lettuces.

Sometimes they're so moving, they get me, get me right here... in the wallet.

We're still not grabbing their attention.

How do you know they're not reading them?

Because when I stuck this one up here, I was expecting someone to scream foul.

You cheeky bat. What, nobody went ballistic?

Nothing. Uncanny calm.

You'll never make money by lying in bed.

Though they do say her in the next street is giving it a good try.

She ought to change her wallpaper.

Oh, when have you seen her wallpaper?

She's got a picture on her web page.

Which you were looking at for what purpose?

To see if she looks any better than when you pass her in the street.

And?

Not really, it's why I was looking at her wallpaper.

I'll have you know that he built this business from ne... ne... next to, next to Nurse Gladys, usually.

But he never let his love life interfere with trade.

Why are you walking funny?

Define funny.

You're mincing about with tiny steps.

You make it sound as though I'm auditioning for Swan Lake.

If it's some old person's malfunction, you don't need to be embarrassed about it.

Old person?!

I'll have you know if anything is malfunctioning on these premises, it's not mine.

Now, go on. Get back to work.

Look at you. You're not even standing straight.

I must confess, I am under a bit of a strain.

It seems to be located somewhere down...

I know, I know.

I know where it's located.

You've heard of the credit squeeze, haven't you?

Yeah, yeah, of course you have, yes.

Well, that's what I'm suffering from down here.

I've got this money-belt on.

I didn't know you had a money belt.

It weren't mine. It was Arkwright's, but I've upgraded it to modern security standards.

And now, you see, I have this extra lock and a strap that goes right round...

I wear it, you know, like swimming trunks now.

And it's now impregnable.

What's the emergency?

You really expecting a lot of intruders in that area?

No, look here, the co-op's been done. The chip shop's been done.

I'm just making sure that nobody gets their hands on my valuables without a struggle.

Oh, there you are, Gastric.

It's not very warm in here.

Oh, why didn't you stay in bed?

I wish you'd say that to me.

Oh, bed's never been the same since wife left me.

Don't get me wrong. It was never a fun place... but you do miss that fight for that last bit of blanket.

Didn't you ever have a cuddle, though?

Like, in, you know, in the middle?

Oh, no. The middle was forbidden.

One move in there and all hell let loose.

She must have loved you once.

Oh, more than once.

We had a caravan at Cleethorpes.

Before she grew very bitter about my digestive system.

Not surprised, if...

(gastric burps)

I'm not surprised.

It must have been like going to bed with a coffee percolator.

Are these sandwiches fresh?

I don't see what difference it makes if it's destined for a stomach like yours.

It's not an incinerator. It's delicate.

I've been wondering if it can be heard from a distance.

(gastric burps)

Oh, cripes. I'll have to eat something. I'm lethal when empty.

And I'll take one for the dog. She enjoys one when she wakes up.

Oh, there you are.

You still share a bed with somebody, don't you?

It's takes some getting used to - waking up with something that actually likes you.

How much do I owe?

Same as always.

Oh, as much as that?

Yes.

And even on Valentine's Day.

Valentine's Day. Oh.

Could you not have slipped your Valentine's card through her letter box?

I thought I'd go the extra mile.

And that's further than you think in a money belt.

Hey up, here she comes.

What's up? Did I forget to pay for something?

I'm not here for finance. It's pure lechery.

This is me delivering your Valentine card and saying good morning, Mavis.

Good morning, Granville.

I have to say I'm impressed with the level of service.

You would have to catch me when my hair's a mess.

Oh, it's funny, I was just thinking how well you... you both are looking.

Oh, there's nothing worth looking at.

May I say your bedroom could be a perfect spot for a picnic.

You're going to fall, you muppet.

I'll be responsible for a broken grocer.

Hey, give us a souvenir.

Such as what?

Well, a lock. You know, a lock of your bedroom door.

I'm going before you wake Madge. Be careful.

No, hey, wait a minute. Fish and chips tonight.

I can borrow Gastric's Mini.

I don't finish till eight.

Well, that's all right. That's perfect.

I'm amazing at eight.

Hey. Yes. I take that as a yes.

What is that he's doing and why is he doing it up a ladder at this time of the morning?

Just passing.

Lord save us from grocers on heat.

There's a north wind up blowing up this ladder that's taking care of any heat.

Is this your idea of a morning call?

She doesn't need to be knocked up by you.

I beg your pardon. Would you mind rephrasing that?

So that...

(he screams)

Serves you right, you fool. Is he hurt?

Only where I've no intention of rendering first aid.

Well, that's where he needs it most, if you ask me.

That one needs a man.

Someone to take her mind off me and her sister.

Are you all right?

I think I may have dislocated my valuables.

That's it. Bang in their sight line. Right between the eyes.

They can't miss that.

May I say two words here?

If it's wage increase, no.

You see that?

Even at the mention of the words 'wage increase', he explodes.

That's not Arkwright. It just goes off occasionally.

Just like your mother.

Hey, hey...

You didn't know her very long. Are you sure you're my father?

Of course I'm sure. Look, look, you've got my ears.

See, look at them. They're identical, them ears.

Ah, here he comes. Hello, Eric.

What have you got for Valentine's Day? She thinks I've forgotten.

I'm going to surprise her.

Well, what have you got in mind?

She'll know what I've got in mind.

Well, you won't surprise her, then, will you?

Ah, good day to you, Nurse Gladys Emmanuel.

Eric here wants some advice on what he could get his wife for Valentine's Day.

It's a load of rubbish.

But I got her that for Christmas.

Save your money.

Hey, don't come in here telling customers to save their money.

I mean, what sort of medical advice is that?

You needn't worry. Nobody ever listens to advice.

What do you usually get her?

Angry.

You really make marriage sound great, you lot.

I wouldn't be without it.

I can say that safe in the knowledge that if she heard me saying anything else, she'd k*ll me.

You put me off marriage.

Yeah, but you don't mind the rehearsals though, do you?

You're all the same.

And what were you doing up a ladder before dawn?

Oh, yes, I was rescuing this little kitten.

I don't know how it got there.

That's an odd place to keep it.

Didn't you ought to let it out?

No, no, no, it's not down there.

Dare we ask what is down there?

Whatever it is, it looks nasty.

It's classified.

There's more security down there than in any airport.

Well, why is he drawing attention to it?

I'm just adjusting it for comfort.

Well, it's no comfort to me.

That sort of adjusting is borderline disgusting.

It's even more striking up a ladder.

You want to get that looked at.

Not by me.

Or me.

It's just a touch of grocer's wilt.

Well, I hope there's a cure.

It looks like something vital's in its death throes.

Is he in?

He's in some difficulties, that's what he's in.

I'd say he's twisted something.

Oh, nothing fundamental, might we hope?

Did you establish what and where?

Let's just say, if it was an earthquake, the epicentre's somewhere down his trousers.

That can't be good.

There's nothing you can be casual about down there.

Ah, good day Mrs Featherstone. How can we help?

Well, you can start by fetching the proprietor, lad, if he's still got the use of his essentials.

Oh, I think he has. He's just under a little extra pressure.

You're sure I can't help you with anything?

Not fresh from your nocturnal activities.

I never went out last night.

No offence, Leroy, but it's my belief that anyone under the age of 30 these days should be barred from handling other people's edibles.

We wear gloves, Mrs Featherstone.

That is very little comfort to the imaginative mind.

I'll get the proprietor.

If you'd be so kind.

Ah! Well...

Hello, Mrs Featherstone.

Delphine to you, when we're alone.

Aw...

Walls have ears, Mrs Featherstone.

(he moans)

Junior assistants and other pond life, you know, they can hear through concrete.

You must Delphine me wherever appropriate.

It is a permission that I have granted very rarely since 1963.

Big year, was it?

I became disillusioned with Flower Power, Granville.

For me, it was the year the petals fell off.

I know, I had a shop bike like that.

I have since been Delphined by very few.

What did your husbands call you?

Oh, I preferred Mrs Featherstone.

Well, it set the boundaries.

Yes.

You're walking very oddly, Granville.

I've got some nice cold pork.

Well, that hardly explains it.

I'll come back later.

No, you'll come back now.

Once you're inside that door, you're in play. Now...

That's it. Now what can we do you for?

It's personal.

But we do personal.

Mrs Featherstone won't mind if you whisper.

I shouldn't get too close to him, he smells like a drain.

I do. I admit. That's what missus says.

She had me cleaning drains and now she's complaining.

I think it's dug in for the afternoon.

I'll come back later, Granville. Save me a quarter.

Yes, it'll be ready and waiting, Mrs Featherstone.

Been there, Granville.

Ugh!

I am a bit ripe, I suppose.

And may I say how delighted we are that you brought it in here to share it with us.

I suppose you've come about our special offers.

I came in... What special offer?

No. Forget it. I'm not falling for that again.

What are you doing?

I get zapped because I've turned down one of your special offers?

No, no, that's germ warfare, that is. Yes.

But I can offer you something milder. Something gentler, you know?

You mean like perfume?

Well, it's a darn side better than the one you're wearing.

Back.

That's it. There, there, there.

Right.

Oh, it's you, Leroy.

How have you been keeping?

Oh, same old, same old.

Have you got any Chorley cakes?

Yeah! I'm sure we have.

What are you doing?

What... You said put these on display.

It looks a lot more fun than when I do it.

Anyway, is the lady all right? Hey, come on.

Come on, help her up. There.

Oh! All I wanted was some Chorley cakes.

I'm glad it were you and not some stranger.

I just wish I'd put some make-up on.

Well, don't just stand there. Come on. Clear this lot up.

If I hadn't come out when I did, they would have been there all afternoon.

What woman fancies me? They don't usually mean me.

Are you going to tell me who she is?

No, she wishes to remain anonymous until, well, until such time that she thinks you are ready.

Ready for what?

Well, nothing acrobatic.

Think companionship, right, you know?

Walking hand in hand into your golden years.

And then would there be anything acrobatic?

Look, Gastric, don't try and rush your fences, right?

We've got some work to do first.

For that amount of work you'll need planning permission.

Is this fate or what?

Guess who's on the way in?

Oh, your secret admirer. Madge.

Madge? She bites your head off.

Shut your mouth and look attractive.

I look how I look.

Yes, I know, it's not good enough. You must try harder.

Now, come on, look, come stand over here. Strike a pose.

That's right.

No, not like that.

Lean like, some, you know, like this.

Right.

Try to look cool and pierce her with your eyes.

Ah, hello. What can we do you for, ladies?

Why are you putting signs where nobody can read it?

She means, "Hello. Nice day."

She means, "Why don't you stick them..."

Madge!

"..where people can read them?"

Phew! Could have been worse.

The eyes. The eyes.

Someone ought to take a look at him.

I think he's going funny.

No, it's not funny. He is thunderstruck.

I've seen it all before, you know?

It's that magical moment when man is struck by the wonder of a woman.

Well, he just looks gormless to me.

Has he lost his tongue?

If he doesn't speak, what's he for?

And if he thinks he's just for decorative purposes, well, it's not working.

Come on, Madge.

And don't be swapping glances with him.

I told you. Bites your head off.

How am I supposed to know what you really want for Valentine's Day?

It's funny. I always know what you want for Valentine's Day.

You must owe me for about five years.

Six.

Look, I'm going. I'm going to get my hair done.

What are we celebrating?

Seven.

There, quarter of a pound for you, madam. Thank you.

Lovely.

Oh, right, a ten. Yes. Well...

Yes, right...

And... ten...

Hey!

Thank you very much, madam. Please call again.

I think I will.

It's worth a visit to see you reading a £10 note.

I found this in the doorway.

It's the back. The back's gone.

The front's nothing to write home about either.

What was he doing?

He claims it was a reading injury.

Can you get me a chair or something to lean on?

Don't look at me.

I can't look at you. I'm stuck here staring at the floor.

Definitely worth another visit.

Oh, no.

Prop him up on this.

I'm touching him no further.

There you are.

Leave me here. I'll be fine.

I can't leave you there, can I?

Look, you're right in the shop doorway.

Find me a corner where I can rest for a minute.

Oh, yes, all right.

Excuse me, Mrs Featherstone.

(they groan)

What can I get you, Mrs Featherstone?

Well, shouldn't you turn him round?

It's not very pleasant for people entering.

Well, it's not that great for me.

What have you done with him?

Mrs Featherstone brought him in.

Strictly for humanitarian purposes. I don't take one with me everywhere.

It's the back. I felt a click.

Oh, where?

(Eric's back cracks)

(Eric groans)

Oh, there! Yes it's often there.

You'll have to keep it warm.

I've got to get it home first.

Don't worry, we can get you home. We deliver.

At very cheap rates.

(Eric's back cracks)

I hope our Madge never passes during these manoeuvres.

Yeah, well, I only wish they were due to something more interesting than me having to fight with this money-belt.

It seems very technical.

You don't really feel qualified to offer to help.

Well, I'll have to work on that.

Oh, give up, Granville.

Eat your fish and chips.

I'm glad you went for them.

They ask if you want cod or haddock and they expect instant decisions and there's all those people in the queue, waiting, just hating you.

You got haddock.

Have I got greasy lips?

Oh, well, now I can help you out there because it just so happens I've got a pair with vinegar on.

Oh, excuse me. Thank you.

You're cutting it fine. Is that lipstick?

No, that's haddock.

Go on, off you go. Behave yourself.

Look who's talking.

And don't you be back too late.

Oh, oh, there you are.

I still haven't got this Valentine's thing.

I tell you what. Have you never had tight underwear?

The wife won't allow it.

She thinks husbands are more manageable in baggy shorts.

You have no idea what sort of bliss that conjures up.

No, it's no good.

I'm going to have to get out of this thing.

Look, I tell you what. Do me a favour, go outside and stand guard.

I won't be a minute.

No problem. I can't stand the sight of suffering.

Hey! That's my car.

Get back here, I told you!

(metallic rattle)

(thud)

(he sighs)

(he moans)

Are we interrupting something?

He's flushed. It's very troubling when they're flushed.

Just doing some exercises.

Behind the counter?

Just the, you know, the lower half, which leaves the top half, you see, free, to serve customers.

See?

At the risk of seeming to pry, are you doing them now?

Oh, yes.

I'm just strengthening the calf muscles and rhythmic flexing of the inner thigh.

You don't get that in Tesco's. May we see?

Yes... No.

No. No.

(he groans)

I've got a cramp, you see?

It's a cramp.

Where?

Beneath the counter.

What I mean is, could you help me here by going to the kitchen and fetching me a bread-Kn*fe?

You can't cut it out.

It's not for cutting.

Are you making sandwiches? How does that work?

What it is, is... It's... Oh, yes, it's the blade.

You lay it flat on the area where the cramp is and suddenly the cramp will disappear.

So you would help me greatly, ladies, if you could just go into the kitchen and get a bread-Kn*fe, please.

Oh, oh, dear.

Thank you, thank you, ladies. It's through there.

That's it. Thank you.

Where have you been?

You were supposed to be outside keeping guard.

I've got an emergency out there.

I've got an emergency in here.

The door. Lock the door.

Oh, oh.

(he sighs with relief)

(she screams)

Oh!

No! Leave!

Ah, no, sorry. It's not that one.

The one with the... the brown handle.

Needs a brown handle.

Thank you, ladies.

(he moans)

You've been witnessing the Grocers' Fertility Dance.

We do it every year.

It goes back to ancient times.

It's to ensure a good harvest and keep the shelves full.

It's a white magic thing.

I tell you what, the good news is, for you, to celebrate this hallowed day if you buy one lager, you get another one for the same price while stocks last.

So quick, come, hurry up.

Ah, that's it.

Hurry up, please, there's not many. Thank you.

Oh.

'Oh, it's wonderful to get the air flowing round your premises again.

'You take your trousers off and suddenly the shop's full.

'I must promise to use it only in emergencies.

'Ooh! That Mavis goes nicely with a splash of vinegar. Yes.'