01x00 - Pilot

[bunniefuu]

Ah - good morning, Vera.

Some of these were here yesterday.

Well, so was I and I'm still sweet and juicy.

You get worse.

We try, we try.

You don't get this personal touch at the supermarkets, do you?

Huh, cheapskates.

She was seen at the bus station in Worksop.

Well, it's not like being caught in a hotel bedroom, is it, eh?

In high heels? Suddenly, at her age, she's in high heels.

No, I can't see it.

I mean, if you were looking for love, would you go to Worksop?

Ah, it's him I feel sorry for.

Oh, I don't know! He's got his allotment, in't he?

Grows his own veg, instead of buying it from me.

No, if he wants to play with his parsnips it's no wonder that she goes wild in Worksop.

(he yawns)

Take those glasses off. You can't see.

You have to make these little sacrifices in the name of cool.

Chill.

Leroy - I'm over here!

You ought be able to find your father in the dark.

Your mother did.

First time.

Well, it was the only time if we want to be technical about it.

But look, look here, look... tidy up.

I'm going to move these chocolates out of the way of sleepwalkers.

(gurgling pipes)

When are you going to get these pipes fixed?

(gurgling continues)

(gurgling stops)

There you are - fixed.

You've never been totally sure have you? About me.

Are you really my father?

Nothing says, "I love you," like a clout round the ears.

That's when I realised you'd got my ears.

Anyway, I'm on your birth certificate, aren't I?

Mind you so is the registrar.

I often wonder if I'm really somebody else.

I don't even look like you.

When I was your age even I didn't look like me.

Why do you keep fiddling with that bacon slicer?

Because I'm after the world's thinnest slice.

Bit like my love life was in those days.

Did you love her?

Well, I was in love with the magic of the exotic setting.

Blackpool in February, mm, and it was raining.

We were both on the rebound from an emotional crisis.

Her because she'd been going out with the wrong types, and me because I'd had to pay for that repair on the roof, yeah.

We comforted each other in The Queen's Hotel.

And here I am.

Most people come back with a stick of rock.

Look what I come back with.

Now, take those off will you. Hey - have you seen your eyes?

They look like raspberry ripples.

What time did you get in last night?

You used to wait up.

Yeah, well there's not much point in both of us losing a night's sleep is there?

Huh. That's a very casual attitude for a father.

You want casual, think of your mother.

Oi!

Everybody else did.

I bet she weren't that bad?

She left you out there on my doorstep for some nugget in the motor trade.

He could offer her a nearly new Jaguar.

What chance did I have with buy one get one free?

You'd better put these on offer and reduce them.

Reduce?

Wash your mouth out!

You don't use the word "reduce". That's for wimps.

You'll never get rid of all this anchovy paste.

Don't worry, I'll shift it.

You forget that I was ter-ter-ter-ter-trained...

I was trained by the ma-ma-ma-master.

He was a bair-bair-bair-bair...

..he was a bair-bair-black belt in sneaky, wasn't he?

I saw that.

You always were keen-eyed, Mrs Agnew.

Well, just remember how close we once were and keep your mouth shut.

How close when?

What - well, don't you remember?

I got you under the mistletoe at Christmas.

It wasn't even Christmas - it was barely August.

Well, we have to plan ahead, you know, in the service industries.

How's the lad?

The lad is fine.

Anyway, how is your romantic life?

I heard that it had lost a bit of its sparkle.

Where did you hear that?

From your husband actually.

I'm surprised he noticed!

Hmm.

Pick us a dozen nice ones and send Leroy with them when the breadman's been.

(doorbell tinkles)

What's wrong with that slice of bacon?

Don't start a rumour like that.

So, why are you looking at it?

I'm reading it.

How can you read bacon?

Well, it takes years of experience, you know.

Yes, I'm er, looking for the omens. Reading the future.

They used to do it with chickens' entrails, but this is much kinder to your tablecloth.

You do spin people some fanny.

(laughter)

Cyril, come inside. Give us a sporting chance.

How much of this anchovy paste is it that you're looking for?

None. Are we alone?

I didn't know you cared.

Yes, we are, but I must warn you that my IT manager is out there in the back.

What have you got for a rash?

I don't know. What would it like?

Well, come in, come in.

Don't be shy. Come along.

It's all right saying, "Don't be shy."

It's a bit personal.

Oh, in that case may I say how pleased we are that you've brought it in here!

Where is this rash?

(inaudible whispering)

Well, if it's there how can you see that you've got a rash?

It's all done with mirrors.

Well, your secret is safe in here.

What's said in here stays in here.

You told everybody where I had a boil.

No, that was in here, that wasn't outside.

Right, well, we'll see if we can find you something. Now, then...

Oh, yes. There you go - that'll do it.

For nappy rash?

I've seen it all before. You've got flat cap fever.

That'll sort it.

Flat cap fever? Down there?

That's where it strikes. Life is a mystery, isn't it?

They reckon it's to do with your follicles.

I'm afraid you've been crushing your follicles.

That's £4.79, please.

£4.79?

Yes. It's either that or you got to lose your cap.

Are you sure this is what I need?

Oh, of course. Body builders use that.

Why would they use this stuff?

Well...it's for bulking up isn't it, and improved muscle tone.

How can nappy rash cream bulk anybody up?

How can you argue with facts?

Have you seen how fast babies grow?

Aye...

Yes. Good man. Thank you, thank you.

Well done...and you have been.

(door bell tinkles)

Oh, er - Leroy! Come here!

Come and get some practice in.

There you are... come on!

(he sighs)

Very good.

Why, you...!

(applause)

Oh - morning, Mrs Travis.

How's the lad?

The lad is fine. Especially out of business hours.

Morning, Mrs Hemstock.

How's the lad?

The lad is fine. I only wish I had half his opportunities.

I hope he's grasping them firmly with both hands.

I'm sure he is, Mrs Hemstock. I'm sure he is.

(door bell tinkles)

Ah...the former Nurse Gladys Emmanuel.

Retired, free and living alone.

And determined to stay that way.

Why are you cutting your bacon so thin?

You come straight out with it, don't you?

It's not a reportable disease, is it?

I know it's no good for frying.

Ah, no - but you get more slices.

I'm for quality not quantity.

How's the lad?

The lad's fine.

Why is it nobody ever asks about how I am?

Well, they know how you are.

You're an old tightwad like your uncle.

Old tightwad?

Look, could we settle for prime of life, perfectly formed, and in magnificent condition... kind of tightwad?

Ee, he trained you well.

Don't be bitter. He would have married you, given time.

Time?

An alternative view is that he d*ed sooner than pay for the wedding.

All right, so you haven't got matrimony.

How about some anchovy paste?

No, no - special offer.

You'll never get rid of that anchovy paste.

They're staunch potted meat round here.

(door bell tinkles)

Psst, how's the lad?

Oh, the lad's fine and I, I, I...

I'm invisible.

Why do they always ask about the lad?

Well, you were glad of us all when you were raising him.

He's got about 12 mothers round here.

Course they're going to ask, "How's the lad?"

I could do with a bit of mothering.

Huh! We all know what you could do with.

Keep taking the pills.

(door bell tinkles)

That's £3.50.

I'll see you Friday.

Save me a small white loaf.

Right.

Good morning, Granville.

Good morning, Mavis.

I'm all right as far as "good morning," then I never know what to say.

That's me finished.

There's no problem. I'm gobby enough for both of us.

Do you know that the small grocer makes an ideal pet?

I like what you're wearing.

Oh, it's just something I threw on... and off - and on again.

You look better since you got rid of that bum of a husband.

I must have liked him once. Can't remember why.

I could never understand why you weren't unfaithful to him.

It wasn't as though I didn't try.

You were always nice.

I used to come in the shop more than I really needed.

Hm, yeah, well, it was a hell of a romance, weren't it?

The closest we ever got was when we had both our hands on the same tin of baked beans.

And now your sister's moved in.

She thinks I need protecting from men.

She thinks everybody needs protecting from men.

Where is she now?

She's parking the car. Oh.

She's not great at reversing.

(crashing outside)

I ought really to have stopped and helped her.

What is it that you've come in for?

I got the note you slipped in with our order.

I meant every word.

"Sorry, no beef spread. I'm enclosing anchovy paste."

Heck, you've got the wrong note.

(chocolate boxes crunch)

Oh, now look!

It wasn't just cold and businesslike then, the note?

No, it could have heated a small dwelling, the note that I sent to you.

(door bell tinkles)

Don't be listening to him, he'll give you all sorts of old twaddle.

It's what they do.

And good morning to you too, Madge.

We can't get a twaddle in edgeways with you.

And where were you when I was reversing?

You know I daren't look.

Well, you look at him.

He doesn't race his engine.

(applause)

Hang on, can we have a little talk about that?

Don't be looking at him soft.

Ask him how much is his belly pork?

I'm not sure I follow that chain of thought.

Anyway, it's no dearer than up the road.

We'll have a quarter, and a quarter of haslet.

Haslet...yes, thank you...

Oh, I daren't look when he's using that bacon slicer.

Well, he's not charging enemy trenches.

No, and he's not over-charging either.

Except for certain awkward customers who are designed for such purposes.

Has he finished?

He's still gobbing.

He hasn't started yet.

I can't watch.

I keep expecting to see two slices of bacon and a finger.

I'll wait outside.

Oh, yes.

"Must be over 18?"

Anchovy paste?

Oh, yes. Too much power in the wrong hands.

A small shopkeeper has to be responsible.

We can't have vulnerable young people experimenting with mind-altering substances, can you?

(leroy groans)

What's mind-altering about anchovy paste?

Ah! Well, of course, there's your ancient secret.

Ah, well, yeah, and here comes your ancient load of old cobblers.

No. No. No. It goes back to Ancient Egypt.

Now, I had to swear a sacred oath before the secret was given to me by this van driver from Warburton's. I...

Was that Mr Marshall?

I could have sworn that was Mr Marshall.

Have you got any more of them....?

(dog barks)

It was. It was Mr Marshall. He's just like his father, you know.

They always get more dog than they can handle.

How are you going to deliver all of these?

Oh, we have our methods.

I can't see what you've got against the shop bike?

It's clapped out. It's history.

Well, it served me well.

And I've still got the saddle sores to prove it.

Well, don't worry about me. Arrangements have been made.

Oh!

I didn't hear you coming, Mrs Featherstone.

You're very light on your feet.

Oh, lighter than that, Granville, in the right circumstances.

Was that your Leroy with two strumpets?

Yeah, well, I only saw two, but you never know with Leroy.

Your Uncle Arkwright would turn in his grave.

He was never one for mixing business with pleasure.

Believe me, I tried.

You? Tried pleasure?

It is within the area of my expertise, Granville.

Oh, we could have made a dream team your uncle and me.

With his grasp of the mercenary and my gift for the thrifty.

But, he was blinded by a bigger bosom.

Yeah, well...he did always expect a lot for his pound, didn't he?

Of course it helped that she could bandage his injured parts and keep an eye on his mild hernia.

So, I lost, I always feel, on a technicality.

But he lost the opportunity to awaken my flame.

Well, I know he never knew where he left his matches.

You'd be surprised what burns behind a respectable exterior.

Well, behind some exteriors, er, you can see how it is easily overlooked.

I have trained two husbands to an early grave.

Discipline was my watchword, but... for a genuine soul mate of strict financial probity, on national holidays and certain personal festivities, there could be the occasional frolic.

I never thought of you in a frolic, Mrs Featherstone.

Under strict operational conditions. One must be realistic.

I know how you men are.

Really? How are we Mrs Featherstone?

Call me Delphine.

Delphine? I think we are ready to take us to the next level.

Oh, look at that. Is that the time?

It is.

I must go and see if I can get... Ooh.

I have watched you, lad, growing in wisdom.

To you I am always available on a consultancy basis.

And there could be more, Granville.

It is the Age of the Cougar.

(she growls)

Oh, did you - oh, did you hear that?

That was the bacon slicer, er... phone, phone. It was the phone. The phone!

(bike creaks and granville groans)

I'll slow that Leroy down.

Oooh! unlocking his full body potential.

Hee, hee! You t-taught me some stuff, didn't you, eh?

I'll never get into heaven.

Probably be closed anyway.

These big companies don't work the hours that we do, do they?

Well, let's see what meh-meh-meh-magic there is in an-anchovy paste, shall we?

Oh, is it a trough of low depression or is it Eric?

How's it going, Eric?

What's this stuff you've got then?

Stuff?

"What's this stuff"?

Eric, this place is full of stuff, isn't it?

This is an Aladdin's Cave. It's the Horn of Plenty.

You're going to have to get a bit closer than "stuff".

Now, is it my imagination or are you a bit low in spirit?

So, would you be if you were married to her back home.

I thought you did better than might have been expected.

She's not unattractive.

I know. But what does she do with it?

Nothing.

Are you telling me you've lost some of the music of your honeymoon days?

Well, it was never exactly the full orchestra.

But I'm down to solo trumpet.

We ought to form a duet.

You know, people of our generation are in the deprivation zone of playtime.

Playtime?

If I didn't have an X Box, I wouldn't get any.

There are ways, you know, to put the colour back in your cheeks.

Are we talking...over 18... "unlocking your full potency" here?

We are.

That's it. That's the stuff.

But are you ready for it?

I'm ready.

I'm ready.

Can I ask - ready for what, exactly?

For the road back to playtime.

When you say "back"... have you got anything for anyone who's never really been there in the first place?

Well, I have to warn you - this stuff, you know, is a life changer.

I'm up for that.

Right now, listen - don't overdo it at first.

You know, small amounts. Pace yourself.

This stuff has a double whammy.

You get your general health stimulus plus...

Plus...

(he whispers)

From anchovy paste?

Oh, yes, it's the fish oils.

Nature's secret, cos way back then, you know, we were all fish.

This stuff will put a tiger in your t*nk.

I tell you what, this will transform your nights.

But I warn you - you've got to take it easy.

Small amounts, pace yourself. Spread it thinly.

Else what?

Else your entire life will be playtime.

I'll take two.

(door bell tinkles)

(dog barks)

Oh! Oh, it's you.

(dog whines)

Oh, right...

What have we got here?

(he sighs)

No, I don't think I've got that particular butter, but tell her the one I'm sending her is just as good.

(dog barks)

Oh! It says here two dog chews.

I hope you've not been forging this note?

Eh?

(dog whines)

Audience: Aww!

Right, thank you for the lift....

Should you be doing that when you're engaged?

(door bell tinkles)

(granville tuts)

Oh, heck.

The wear and tear on errand boys these days!

Have you seen your face?

It was just a glancing blow.

Well, we can't let everybody know that you're having more fun than I am. Come here. Now...

You've got my mouth.

Only yours is seeing much more action than mine.

This has got to stop.

Now, we've got to make these deliveries in a proper commercial manner.

Otherwise we will be known as Squeals on Wheels.

(door bell tinkles)

Warming up out there, is it?

You're a deadpan lot around here.

What does a bloke have to do to get a reaction?

You must be wondering what's the point of being dressed like a pillock if nobody cares.

"Wear this, the company said, This'll get you noticed. This'll help you sell."

I look like a muffin, don't I?

You look as though you could do with a drink.

I do. I need a drink.

That's very good of you.

We're not all barbarians.

Tell me, what are you supposed to be, apart from ridiculous?

That's another thing about you lot.

You're all very inclined to speak your mind.

What is it that you're selling?

Planters' Tea.

Our most refreshing brand.

(he mimics fanfare)

And, for your advertising, a full-size, cardboard cut-out...

..of me.

Full size, eh? Well, that'll never go down with the natives.

They'll start worshipping it.

But I'll tell you what we'll do, you leave us a few free samples and we'll see how it goes.

And there's no reason to be calling in the shop.

What shop?

Oh, don't give me "what shop?"

And don't go gawping in as we pass.

So, I give him a wave. I can do waves.

I don't get tongue-tied doing waves. It's only friendly.

Oh, he won't have friends. They wouldn't be tax deductible.

"You need a drink," he says.

Then charges me for the bottle.

Should have stayed in bed.

You meet some...

It's a jungle round here.

You see! What a money grabber!

He's got a nice face.

So has a Jack Russell and they'll bite your hand off.

Treat them right, I bet they're warm and cuddly.

Oh...!

I'm recycling the shop bike.

I've got to slow my lad down somehow.

You know, I owe my exquisite calf muscles to the years that I spent on the old shop bike.

We won't mention the pressure on certain other parts.

It's there he needs all the knocks he can get!

What are you waiting for out here?

The return of the firm's transport.

He's not trying to get you back on that old bike?

Again. It were clapped out when he used to ride it.

Can I ask you something?

Again? Do I think he really is your father?

He's the only one you've got.

He brought you up, with a bit of help, and he looks after you.

True. And I've got his ear.

That's something.

(bike horn pumps)

Distinctive vehicles for delivery... just like Harrods - traditional... style.

Watch that pedal.

Oh, nimble errand boys - they laugh at tricky pedals.

Oh! Oof!

Ugh!

Oh! Ow!

Oh! Ow!

Ah!

You ought to be locked up, selling diabolical stuff like that.

I've never had an easy moment since I put it on.

Talk about scratching!

I'm going to be red raw.

It was for internal use, you barnpot!

Ohh!

When I said spread it on thiiiiiinly, I meant on a piece of toast!

Now he tells me!

Come on in...inside...

Oh! Ow!

It's a duet, in't it, eh?

'Oh, it's been a funny old day.

'I've seen more of Wet Eric than is customary.

'I believe I'm near a breakthrough with that bacon slicer.

'I thought Mavis was looking good.

'But then I always think Mavis is looking good.

'That's a powerful rear light.

'Unless it's Wet Eric still glowing in the dark.'

Your note arrived safely, Granville.

Tucked in among my groceries.

Aren't you the sly one?

I don't usually do much for Christmas, but, under the circumstances.

Huh? Argh!

(applause)

But it isn't Christmas yet.

It feels like it to me! Oh...!

Oh, heck!