01x02 - Fifth Chair

[bunniefuu]

Maestro.

Ah.

Woman: Okay, this room...

Rodrigo.

Gloria.

Well, this is great timing.

I want you to meet Craig G., our marketing guru.

Maestro, it is an honor.

I would love to sit down with you and go over a few ideas for the upcoming season.

"Hear the Hair"?

It's just something we're working on.

I like it. It's playful.

Hear the Hair?

It's just a tiny part of an overall campaign.

What do you think of #sinphomania?

Also playful.

Hmm.

Yeah.

Hey, Gloria, I would like to introduce you to...

What... what... what?

Uh, Hailey Rutledge.

¿Oe?

Hailey Rutledge.

Rutledge.

She's the new member of our oboe section.

A new member?

Yes.

Why? Did one of our old oboists pass away?

I wish.

Yeah, well, the thing is our entire woodwind section has been with the orchestra for over two years, and as I'm sure you know, maestro...

A member who's been therefor more than two years cannot be fired unless the union approves it.

I mean, it's a ridiculous constrict...

Let's just cut the red tape.

Let's cut the red tape.

You know, I agree completely, but that's how it is.

Now, Hailey, you're a very attractive young woman, which doesn't hurt.

Thank you.

And I'm sure you play flawlessly.

No, she doesn't play flawlessly.

No.

She plays with blood, and that's what matters.

Blood. That's what matters. I like that.

Look, I... I really don't mean to cause any problems.

It was really nice to meet you. It's such an honor.

Hailey. No, no, no. Wait. No, no, no.

There's no... I have a plan.

What if we start the season with Mahler's Eighth Symphony, which requires an extra oboe player?

Gloria: Mahler's Eighth.

Maestro, you know that we've had this season planned for over two years.

You know that my contract says that I can alter the season a little bit three times per year.

Virgil.

Maestro, I loved your "Eroica."

Yeah, f*cking Vienna Philharmonic, yeah.

Well, regardless, Betty Cragdale, the first oboist, traditionally chooses the substitute oboe players.

Betty Cragdale.

Is this Betty Cragdale's orchestra?

It most certainly is not.

Craig G.

I like sinphomania. I like it.

I like it. I like it. It's... it's good.

It's a hashtag, right?

But "Hear the Hair"?

Hear the Hair.

No.

Nunca. Nunca.

¡Nunca, nunca, cabrón!

[speaking Spanish]

Okay?

Nunca, okay? Right?

Gloria, it's been a pleasure.

Hailey, can you hear my hair?

No.

Right.

Hailey, let's go.

Thank you.

Hailey, close the door.

Hey.

Hiya.

Badass, huh?

Mike, why are you getting a swastika tattoo?

A what?

That is not a swastika.

It's the yin-yang. Don't overreact.

She's f*cking with you.

This sh*t is not as easy as it looks.

But I'm sticking with it, and I'm going to make bank.

Cool. Well, say hello to the new fifth temp oboe in the New York Symphony.

No way.

Yes way.

Mahler's Eighth, fifth chair.

Holy sh*t. Fifth f*cking chair?

Fifth f*cking chair!

Oh, my God. Congratulations.

We got to celebrate.

Oh, no. I got to study the score.

I can't f*ck this up.

You're like the f*cking Hendrix of oboe: just swagger in, say "Here I am, b*tches," and nail it.

It does look like a swastika. My mom's gonna k*ll me.

Stop whining. I'll make it look like a Rubik's Cube.

♪♪

[music ends]

Flawed.

It was hopelessly flawed.

You seemed distracted.

We all have off days, even me.

Actually, I was talking about the Tchaikovsky.

You know, the bastard was right.

My farewell performance, and I cocked it up royally.

Come back to bed.

Perhaps you'll be given a second chance.

You know, Cynth, sans you, my life is one f*cking slow march to the grave.

Well, that's very romantic.

I bet you try that line on all the girls.

Let's go away.

I'll leave Claire.

Let's finally give this the sh*t that I think we deserve.

Not after your performance today, honey.

Oh, piss off.

And do us both a favor.

Stop letting him get under your skin.

How?

Help him.

Help him what, destroy everything that I've built up in the last 20 years?

He's an arrogant prick, but he respects you.

You're just too much of an arrogant prick to see it.

After all, you're the executive musical director emeritus.

[scoff] Ridiculous title.

Maybe, but you can still rattle some cages.

Last time I checked, you weren't dead.

Are you?

No.

I'm damn well f*cking not.

[chuckling]

♪♪

Hey, could you change the record? It's skipping.

Oh. Wait. That's you playing the same piece over and over again and perfect every time.

Go away.

♪♪

Shut the f*ck up!

Sorry, Stan.

♪♪ [Man singing in Portuguese]

Yeah. Yeah.

♪♪

[slurping]

So...

♪♪ [oboe]

Do you find guys with lots of tattoos, like, hot?

Absolutely, if they're already hot before they got those tattoos.

[slurping]

♪♪ [oboe continues]

Excuse me.

I'm going to go drive my heel into Hailey's f*cking eyeball.

♪♪

Hey, Rain Man, I'm going to blow a massive bong hit into your face and f*ck up your precious lungs if you don't stop playing this f*cking Mahler.

I have to practice.

You've got to sleep.

I can't sleep. Too amped.

No way. Lizzie, there are, like, thousands of other oboists out there with ten times more experience than me whose lifelong dream it is to play with the New York Symphony.

♪♪

Hi. Is this Alex?

Yeah, hey.

This is Lizzie, the hostess with the mostest.

[whispering] What?

Yeah. Hailey has your scarf.

She's wondering if she can bring it by tonight.

Okay, yeah, right on. Just text us your address.

Adios.

What the f*ck? Was that for real?

Oh. It was for real.

[jangling]

Look, he just texted his address. Go.

No, it's like 12:15. He's going to think it's a booty call.

Oh, perish the thought.

Wrap this scarf around his booty.

Really?

Hey.

Hey.

Here's your scarf.

Sorry I'm so late getting it back.

No problemo.

That's not actually something that I say.

Oh. It's not, like, your catchphrase or anything.

No, no, no, no, no.

My catchphrase is, um...

"Catch you on the flip side."

Oh, yeah, that's, like, super cool.

Yeah, it's much cooler.

[laughing]

So, uh, I don't know. You going to come in?

Or do you have, like, some other scarves you got to go deliver?

Uh, no, this is the last one.

Really?

Yeah.

Oh.

Um, yeah, I'll come in.

Okay.

Nice place. Do you have, like, roommates or something?

No, this is just... just me.

No. Kidding. I have roommates.

I could never afford this place.

[whispering] But they're asleep, my roommates.

Oh. Okay.

So...

Okay. Um...

Okay.

Mm. I don't want you to think that this is, like, a booty call or anything.

It's really not.

Oh, no, I know.

It's not a booty call.

It's a scarf delivery.

I get it. A scarf delivery.

[floor creaks]

Oh.

Oh, uh, hey, Hailey, this is, um, Addison. It's one of my roommates.

Hi. Sorry for the interruption.

Oh, hey, you still doing that 1 a.m. frolic dance thing in the park?

Yeah, I am. Oh, God, the milk stinks.

It's like cottage cheese.

Okay, so did you, like, throw it out?

I tried, but I started gagging.

I have a really bad gag reflex.

It's true. Remember that... what was that time?

On the D train?

Mm. That was nasty.

Yeah.

Okay, well, you guys can resume sucking face.

Sorry.

She's nice.

Yeah.

Yeah.

What is this?

Oh.

Is this, like, a piece of straw?

No, that's a reed shaving.

Um, yeah, I should probably head out, too.

Are you serious?

Why? Because of my roommate?

Oh. You mean the supermodel with the gag reflex?

Okay, I see you really do have, like, a filthy mind.

I can see that now. Come on.

Just, Hailey, please, like, hang out with me for one minute.

You're really... you're so tense, I can see your shoulders are, like, nudging your ears.

Yeah. Uh...

I've been practicing obsessively.

I'm going to get to play with the New York Symphony.

sh*t. That's... that's incredible.

Wow. Okay. Yeah, I'd be nervous, too.

[laughing] Yeah.

Have a beer.

One beer.

Uh... okay. One beer.

There he is!

Maestro!

Rodrigo!

Maestro!

Maestro! Maestro!

[crowd groans, quiets]

Oh, Sharon, walk with me.

I have some donor appreciation calls that I've been putting off for weeks.

Uh, yeah, I can't, maestro, I'm sorry.

Excuse me?

I'm waiting for the maestro... um, the other maestro: Rodrigo.

I'm working for him now. I've been reassigned.

Oh, is that so? By whom?

Gloria. But she's interviewing replacements.

I know you'll be covered.

Covered? How reassuring.

Rodrigo: Sharon!

[crowd murmuring]

Sharon. Sharon.

I have to protect him from the Rodriguites.

Sharon, please...

Rodriguites?

Ooh, okay, okay, okay.

Easy. Easy. Oh, no, no. Not you.

I've given you, like, 500 already. No, no.

Maestro.

Hey, maestro. Hi.

Oh, how nice to see you.

Good to see you.

No, good to see you.

Uh, you know, I love a good cycle myself.

Really?

Oh. Yeah.

That's cute.

Young boy in that picture.

It was taken, like, a year ago.

Ha ha ha. Yeah.

Uh-huh.

By the way, a bold choice, Mahler's Eighth.

Isn't it?

You must have expensive tastes.

Yes, right, excellent, excellent.

Thank you, thank you.

Um, I was just thinking.

If time permits, maybe we could share some arrangement ideas.

Yes. Yes. I would love that, maestro.

I would really love that, really.

Thank you. I have to go. Bye-bye.

Let him go. Let him go!

Thank you. Bye. Ciao.

f*cking wankers.

Sharon, where's the entrance?

Good morning, maestro.

Good morning to you, Warren Boyd.

The orchestra is gathering.

The seating chart you asked for.

Thank you.

I'll have everyone ready in five.

Thank you very much.

Break a leg, maestro.

You, too, Warren Boyd.

Beautiful day.

Took the F train.

Lovely trip.

Cool.

They had two kinds: fruit blend, Bonanza Gourmet.

Hmm?

Bonanza.

Bonanza.

King of birdseed.

Okay. Okay.

Hailey.

Hey.

Let's go.

Nervous?

No, I'm cool.

All good.

I need you to be solid for me here, too.

Management always goes after the weak link.

You don't want to be the weak link.

Hey, Cynthia, orchestra rep meeting Wednesday at 3.

I know. I got the email.

Yeah.

Did you hear this cocksucker had open auditions over the weekend?

That son of a bitch wants to replace the whole orchestra.

Oh, hey, Andre.

And starting with Mahler?

A composer suppressed by the Nazis?

What's the message there?

Don't overthink it.

Hey, Bob, this is my friend Hailey.

Hi.

She's subbing in on oboe today.

Pleased to meet you.

You, too.

Yeah.

He'd better not try to work through bathroom breaks.

I can't take that sh*t.

I mean, the guy is a genius and all, but, ah, still...

Wendell! Hey.

That's Union Bob.

He cares deeply about our scheduled pee breaks, as do I. Some of these conductors keep going and going.

Can't interrupt a genius.

Do you have any more of that Thai stick we smoked before the Holtz concert last year?

I wish I did.

What I do have is some smooth space balls with Moroccan hash.

I'm in for a dozen.Thanks, man.

Hi, sweetheart.

Hey, D.D.

Oh, this is Hailey. It's her first day.

Hello.

Wow.

Congrats.

Thank you.

You seem a little stressed.

Could I suggest a light beta blocker on the house?

A little Inderal just to take the edge off?

No, I'm... I'm fine. Thank you.

That's Betty Cragdale, first oboe.

I've studied her recordings.

She's incredible.

I'm going to introduce myself to her.

Ms. Cragdale? Hi.

My name is Hailey Rutledge.

I'll be sitting in with your section today.

I'm an oboist. Yeah. I mean, obviously I'm an oboist.

I... I just wanted to say it is such an honor to get to play with you.

Oh, yes. Hailey Rutledge.

Now I remember.

You're the completely inexperienced girl who f*cked our new conductor in order to worm her way into the oboe section past hundreds of far more qualified musicians.

I did not sleep with the conductor.

Oh, darling, please.

I had tits once.

I just didn't play my oboe with them.

See you at rehearsal.

I didn't, though.

♪♪ [tuning up]

Good morning. Hi.

[squawk]

[laughter]

[squawk]

[gong rings out]

Hi. Good morning.

Buenos días, familia, eh?

Vladimir.

[speaking Japanese]

Yes. Guten morgen, Lazlo.

How's it going, Warren Boyd?

[squawk]

This is my parrot, Igor.

I named him after lgor Stravinsky.

You can sit down. You can sit down.

Down, thank you.

You know, it was Stravinsky who said "Lesser artists borrow, great artists steal."

Let's not be parrots.

Let's not try to imitate other great orchestras.

We're not even going to imitate this orchestra in its glory days.

What does he mean, this orchestra in its glory days?

Let's just steal the souls of the composers whose music we want to honor.

Yeah, brother, I feel you.

Thanks, man. Thank you.

Bambi, can we take lgor Stravinsky for a walk?

Yeah? Thanks.

[squawk]

Igor! Ha ha!

[squawk]

Look. This is... this is good luck.

This is great luck. Okay, everything is going to go well, okay?

This is good luck. Let's just keep on...

Sharon, what are you doing?

I got it, maestro. It's all done. It's all nice and clean.

It's my honor.

Just chill out a little bit, okay?

Just please, please. Please.

Ah.

Bueno.

Um, Mahler.

There is no choir here. There is no soloists.

It's only us orchestra members.

You know, I miss my days in the violin section.

Or when I was in the woodwinds as well.

Or when I was playing the harp in the Buenos Aires Philharmonic, I was never as good as you, Caroline.

There's only orchestra members here.

I am an orchestra member, and I have the honor today of conducting you.

So could we please have an A?

From our new colleague, uh, Miss "Rutiledge"?

Rutledge.

Rutledge. Yes, please.

♪
♪

Brava.

Now let's get to work.

Ready? And...

♪♪

Hang on, hang on, hang on.

Okay.

Uh, ha ha ha ha ha!

It was interesting, right?

It's the beginning. Okay.

Let's try it again. Let's try it again.

♪♪
♪♪

Good.

You're starting to have fun.

Let's go fortissimo and then forte, okay?

So 14, with the upbeat, a little bit more sound, more bow.

♪♪

Okay, French horns, let's just try one again.

♪♪

Betty.

Yes, maestro?

Do you think that we can approach bar 39 a little bit more gently?

Let's keep the force going on there, but let's try to find more legato into it.

Absolutely, maestro.

Okay.

Is that the reed you're using?

Uh, y... yes.

Okay.

Ready?

♪♪
♪ [off key]

Hmm?

[Chuckle]

Interesting, interesting.

I thought I heard Igor.

[laughter]

Okay, let's try it again.

Let's not lose it, okay? Let's keep it up, keep it up.

Okay? Ready? And...

♪♪

[clatter]

m*therf*cker!

Language.

Sorry.

Sor... That's... That's never happened to me before.

My hands are just really sweaty right now.

Let's go one more time.

Maestro, I just need to tell you we have to take a break.

You're right, Warren Boyd.

Let's take a break.

Uh, let's all take a break.

Let's... Let's give Mahler a break, yeah?

Yeah, you know, it's too much, this kind of, you know, choir for opening the season.

I think... Sharon. Sharon.

Sharon, hey.

Yes, maestro?

Can we print out 87 copies of Berlioz' "Hungarian March?"

Yes, right away. Anything else?

Uh, the mental toothpicks.

The "Hungarian March."

There's no fifth oboe in that.

I know.

[chatter]

Pavel, honey, can you remove all of this out of here?

Thank you, dear.

No problem.

Marvelous first rehearsal.

Mahler's in, and Mahler's out.

I applaud his willingness to experiment.

I did love the parrot. I wish I'd thought of that.

It was a stroke of genius.

You know, I believe Cliburn did the same thing, only he used a live vulture.

Thomas, you're a great conductor.

Sarcasm and envy are beneath you.

That's right. You've hit the nail on the head.

I am a great conductor.

So what the f*ck am I doing up here?

Oh, please.

Eh.

You know, perhaps you should call your new campaign "Hear the Hat."

[chuckling]

♪♪