02x04 - Suspicious Minds

[bunniefuu]

We are very different people, and it's not like it could ever go anywhere.

Doc, I'm not saying I want to marry you.

All I'm saying is there's something here.

Lemon, I cannot marry you, not when a part of me is in love with someone else.

George's heart needs time to heal.

And meanwhile, you just keep getting freaky with Wade.

I've decided to run against you for mayor.

I couldn't afford to move out on my own.

You want an apartment?

Move on to this houseboat.

Lemon Breeland's living on a boat?

How badly do you want to b*at Rudy Jeffries for mayor?

Let me run your campaign.

You will be unbeatable.

Zoe: Wow.

No, you were right.

I was wrong.

Under the table is better than on the table.

Well, I just thought if you were the heroic World w*r II pilot, and I was the naughty Air Force medic, we would probably have to protect ourselves from any bombing.

No, I get it.

It's very well thought-out.

Yeah, the best part is this whole "no strings" thing we've got going on.

I mean, I don't have to obsess whether you're going to call.

I don't have to call.

I don't have to hear about your day, or worse, your car.

And I don't have to hear about your new shoes or what you ate for lunch, it's...

God, it's great.

It's amazing.

Why didn't anyone ever tell me about casual sex before?

It is odd they didn't teach a course on this in med school.

(gasps)

Hey, tonight, let's be strangers that meet on a train.

Train?

Who travels by train anymore?

What are we, hobos?

Yes, Wade, we're hobos.

Sexy hobos on a train.

Yeesh. Be at the station, or don't be; it's up to you.

I'm casual.

And there you have it, my fabulous new floating home.

So, the dining room is also the living room and the kitchen.

Well, that is convenient.

Can I houseboat-sit when you go out of town?

Wait, when are you going out of town?

You are not having parties on my boat.

I know.

How far is international waters from here?

Are you sure you can handle her on your own?

Oh, sure.

Right now, I'm just giving her the illusion that she is in control.

Well, you are very convincing.

Thank you.

So, how about everything else?

I mean, it is such a big house.

And don't forget that Delilah's going on vacation for two weeks.

Maybe you should get a service in.

Honey, we are fine.

But what about you?

I mean, do you like it here?

I love it.

Things are really turning around for me, Daddy.

And me having my own place is just the beginning.

Today, I start my life as a career woman, managing Lavon Hayes's campaign.

Well, okay, as long as you're happy, I am too.

I miss you. That's all.

I miss you too.

Oh, and you'll remind the gardener to trim back the roses and re-fertilize the front lawn?

And pick up your dry cleaning and don't forget: you need to to lift and pull up on the dryer door when it gets stuck and...

I can run my own home, please.

Magnolia.

Bye, I love you.

Hand 'em over.

Someone should have keys.

It's just good sense.

(sighs)

We'll be fine.

Ooh, pancakes?

You read my mind.

Now I know why athletes carbo-load.

You wanna know what I mean?

No.

Why I'm so tired?

No.

The sex.

Because it's like a marathon, only no one's handing you water every couple of miles, although that would be useful.

No, no, no.

I don't want to hear any details about my friends' athletic pursuits.

Lavon, I share.

That's what I do.

Besides, it's your fault that I don't have any girlfriends to share with.

My fault?

Ruby Jeffries was going to be my first real BlueBell girlfriend.

And I ruined it by making her run against me?

No, but I'm on Team Lavon.

Huh, well, Team Lavon appreciates your loyalty.

And now candidate Lavon has an election to win.

Hey, can I take that syrup to my place for later? Yup.

Wanna know why?

No.

Okay.

Brunch with your grandma?

Yeah, that sounds... that sounds perfect.

Yup, oh, okay.

All right, b-bye-bye now.

It's just Shelby.

The girl from BlueBellapalooza?

I thought you said your first date was a disaster.

It was.

Then I went to apologize and that led to a second date, which somehow has led to a third date.

All she does is talk about online discount shopping.

She keeps on sending me links for designer ties at incredibly reduced prices.

So, why are you going to brunch at Grandma's?

Because I don't know how to break up with her without hurting her feelings, Wade.

Well... as luck would have it, you have hit upon my area of expertise.

My friend, allow me to introduce you to "The Compliment Sandwich."

Compliment Sandwich?

On top, you've got your bread: Nice little piece of flattery like, uh, (clears throat): "Your beauty humbles a simple man like me."

Then quickly get to the meat: "But you and I both know the timing isn't right for us."

And then before she has a chance to argue, you hit her with one final compliment: Uh, "A woman as perfect as you deserves it all."

That's a compliment sandwich.

Do it.

Or 15 years from now, you'll be wearing a discount tie when you leave Shelby at the altar.

Hey.

Well, it's not cancer...

Mmm.

It's a mosquito bite.

Oh, that's so weird.

You sure? I mean, you can never be too careful these days.

You gotta... check.

Okay, fine.

After you blew me off for lunch twice, I figured it was my best chance to see you.

I miss you.

Me too.

But Lavon is my best friend, and you're his opponent right now and I can't get in the middle.

Okay, okay, how 'bout some ground rules?

No campaign talk allowed.

Only approved topics are: boys, food, shoes, boys, ugh, the disastrous combo of BlueBell humidity and my hair.

Oh, and boys.

It's very tempting, but...

Then, I get to say things like, "Oh, my single cousin Zach is coming to visit, "and he's the male version of me, which means amazing, and you two should go out."

Ruby...

What?

I don't think I can.

I'm kind of unavailable at the moment.

What?

Okay, come on.

Who? Who is it?

Who are you seeing?

Is it George? Is it Wade?

Is it... you know, that's all there is.

So, come on.

Spill it. Who is it?

Wade.

(gasps)

You're going out with Wade?

Well, uh, no.

I'm just kind of staying in with Wade.

Ooh, delicious, all right.

Okay, so if it's just sex, then you can still meet Zach.

Ruby, I just don't think it would be right.

Wade and I kind of have this unspoken agreement where we have sex every night.

An unspoken agreement with Wade Kinsella?

Honey, legend has it, back in high school, he left senior prom with three different guys' dates.

Wade went to prom?

No.

Oh, wow.

Mm-hmm, mmm.

Well, in high school, he didn't have me.

Trust me, he is not looking for someone else.

He is plenty happy.

All right, fine, good luck.

But if you change your mind, give me a call.

About Zach or me.

Bye.

Bye.

Lemon: As you can see from my materials, I'm already making amazing strides.

Oh, yeah, the poster.

Da-huh...

Okay, but the thing is, Lemon, uh...

And I've almost secured one of the most influential endorsements in BlueBell.

Guess who, who, who?

The Owl Club.

Yeah, that's not gonna happen.

Ruby's already won over Frank Moth and Ashley Potts.

Yes, some business members have been lured in by her promises to "modernize" BlueBell, but as I told them, unless they want the town gazebo turned into a CinnaBon, modernization is the last thing we need.

So, I'm meeting with Dash later this afternoon, and with his endorsement, I think I can reel the rest of 'em in.

The Owl endorsement is a game-changer.

Yeah, and if all goes according to my plan, we will announce it at this.

"Lavon Hayes.

Meat & Greet."

M-e-a-t.

It's a barbeque.

Get it?

Oh-ho, yeah, I get it.

Uh, Lemon, this is all great stuff, uh, but you-you can't be my campaign manager.

You're f*ring me?

I never hired you.

Y-You offered to be my campaign manager; I said I'd think about it.

And I did...

No, you didn't because if you did, we wouldn't be having this conversation.

I mean, you just said yourself that the Owls were a game-changer.

This-this is not about your ideas or your abilities.

You see, it's just... uh... a working relationship can be complicated, and given our personal history.

Oh, Lavon, do not tell me that you are still in love with me.

What? No.

Then I don't see the problem.

I just don't see us...

We're not exactly friends.

We tried that.

It-it-it never quite worked.

So? This campaign isn't about friends.

It's about taking down the common enemy, which is why you hired me for this job.

The thing is...

Again, I didn't hire you.

Lavon...

I promise you I will stop at nothing until we win this election.

Just let me try.

Please.

(sighs)

All right.

Yay!

Yay. You will not be disappointed.

(grunts)

Wanda: Oh, Lemon, you okay?

Oh, no, you didn't eat the special omelet, did you?

I know it says American cheese, and while Guam is technically an American territory...

♪

The doctor is in.

What the hell?

(gasps)

Want to taste, uh, the Lavon Hayes' special sauce for my barbeque Meat & Greet?

No, thanks.

I'm not hungry.

Can I ask you a question?

Is it about Wade?

No.

It's about lions.

Lions?

Yeah, I was watching this nature special last night about lions.

Did you know that male lions sleep with every lioness they can get their paws on?

It's evolution.

(scoffs)

See, to secure the survival of the species, the heads of every pride have to, uh, spread their seed with as many female members as possible.

Plus, they can.

Okay, I mean, fine.

It's one thing for a lion to be king of the jungle, but yo, Simba, how about a little heads-up if there's gonna be a hot new lioness in the den when Nala comes home?

I knew this wasn't about lions.

Forget it.

You just don't understand.

I've been very clear that this is not an area I feel comfortable chatting about.

Fine.

I will find someone who is.

(phone rings)

Hey, Lemon.

Who is the best campaign manager in the world?

James Carville.

Did James Carville just get a soft confirmation from Dash DeWitt?

No way, for reals?

The Owl endorsement is in the bag.

(laughing)

Who-who!

(laughs)

Stay tuned for more.

(chants in celebration)

Wade, more ginger ale.

You, uh, feeling okay, Lemon?

Just a little nauseous.

What my daddy used to call "circus tummy."

Heard you signed on as Lavon's campaign manager.

Certain defeat would make anyone queasy.

The only thing I'm worried about is how big the margin of Lavon's victory will be.

I'd like something for the history books.

Well, I heard about your Meat & Greet tomorrow.

Sounded like so much fun, I decided to have one too.

Well, you know what they say: If you don't have ideas of your own, at least steal from the best.

Actually, my event is going to be a little different.

See, I have Paula Deen doing the barbeque rub for my ribs.

She's a personal friend.

Well, unless Paula's planning on doing her rub on a genie bottle, it's not gonna work.

Because I just scored Lavon the Owl endorsement.

Oh.

Here, looks like you could use this.

Thanks, Wade.

I'm voting for Lavon.

Hey.

Hey.

What's for breakfast?

Peanut butter and jelly.

Well, come on.

It's good for you.

It's, uh, protein... and, uh, jelly.

What?

I'm sorry, hon, but we're out of eggs and cereal and yogurt and milk and juice and clean dishes.

Daddy?

Are we gonna die?

No, no.

Here's an idea: We can make a list and then, uh, maybe tonight, after school, you could stop by the store and pick up some groceries, and then, uh, maybe drop off some laundry too... hey, that be fun, huh?

Seriously?

Do I need to call Child Protective Services?

I appreciate I've let things slide.

But Lemon has taken brave steps towards being independent.

And I think we should learn from her.

So, tonight, I will stop by the store and I will make us a delicious, well-balanced dinner, and you will pick up the dry cleaning and then do the laundry. Deal?

(laughs)

I'm sorry. I meant deal or no allowance this month.

Independence blows.

Zoe: A sock on the door?

It's primitive. He might as well slap on a bumper sticker that says "If this house is a-rockin'..."

Maybe it was a mistake.

Why don't you just ask Wade who the blonde was?

Yeah, right, and give him the satisfaction of knowing that it got to me.

(sighs)

No way.

But do you know what? It'll be fine.

Because it just opens me up to meeting other, less primitive guys.

So...

Hmm?

Is your cousin Zach still in town?

(giggles)

I'm-a text him right now, tell him to take you to that new bistro in Mobile tonight.

Oh, right.

Hey, he can read.

Things are already looking up.

(sighs)

Wow, Lavon got the Owls?

Oh, sorry.

That's all right. I know.

Team Lavon.

It's all good.

Good for him.

Ruby, thank you.

You're a good friend.

Aw, have fun tonight.

Thanks.

(grunts)

Hey, Wade, what's up?

Hey, good news: The, uh, tile came in.

I'll get started on your bathroom tomorrow.

Oh.

That is, unless the, uh, naughty doctor wants to put me on bed rest.

Oh, sorry, no house calls tonight.

I've got a date.

You do?

Yeah, with Ruby's cousin.

He's taking me to the new bistro in Mobile, whatever.

Oh.

Well, I hear the salmon's good.

Oh. Great.

Well, you know, this might be kind of awkward, but if you have to come here tomorrow, in the morning to work on the bathroom, Yeah, you, uh, better just, like, knock.

'Cause I might have a houseguest.

Oh, good choice.

It complements your eyes.

Enjoy the date.

(sighs)

(clears throat)

Hey, Zach, it's Zoe again, Ruby's friend?

Yeah, you know, I was thinking maybe we could do something a little more casual?

Do you know how to find the Rammer Jammer?

I'm glad to see all Belles present today, as I have huge news.

As you may be aware, I have humbly and graciously accepted the job as Lavon Hayes' campaign manager.

I still don't understand that.

Last year, when he ran unopposed, we backed "None of the Above."

What changed?

It's very simple: A) the mayor has a very Belle-positive platform, and B) I want Ruby Jeffries to know, once and for all, that she cannot b*at Lemon Breeland.

Mostly B.

(clears throat)

Excuse me. Ooh.

To that end, tomorrow I will be hosting a barbeque to help secure the endorsement of the Owl Club.

I thank you all in advance for your unanimous support and mandatory attendance.

I now yield the floor to AnnaBeth for other Belle business.

Whew, what a relief.

Given all that ginger ale and how pasty you look, when you said you had huge news, I thought you were pregnant.

What a mess that would be, huh?

Zach: Here you go.

Zoe: Thank you.

So, what's good?

Good might be aiming too high.

Uh, there's a burger that probably won't cause you physical harm.

Wade: Well, hello there, Doc.

I thought you were going to be in Mobile.

Oh, change of plans.

Right.

Hey, I'm Wade.

Zach.

Good to meet you.

You, uh, need a drink, anything at all, you just holler.

Actually, uh, first round's on me.

Aw, thanks.

Hey, what's the catch of the day?

You are.

Uh...

I'll get your server.

Nice guy.

Buddy of yours?

Neighbor, casual neighbor.

But, Zach, tell me about you.

What do you do?

Because tonight is about you.

So, you ready for this?

No.

Oh.

Oh, for the Meat & Greet? Yes.

Of course, don't be silly.

So, let's go over tomorrow's order of events.

Do you have the list?

The list you just had me print?

Let's do a run-through.

So, we start serving at noon, and then?

Then I-I give my welcome speech at 12:30, followed by Dash and the Owl endorsement.

Lemon, you okay?

Oh.

Sorry.

It's just my mind's racing.

You know, with an event like this, anything can happen.

And just when you think you've finally got your bearings and planned your next move, then that b*mb comes out of the blue.

Whoa, whoa, what's going on? A-A-Are you crying?

We need to get started on our shopping. That's what.

Those ribs aren't going to cook themselves.

Shelby.

Surprise.

I'm so surprised.

I got your message about meeting for coffee and I was already in town and, oh, my God, I love these pillows!

Yeah, uh, my ex-fiancée seemed to think that green would make me feel powerful.

Oh, yes. Green does that.

Yeah, not really my style though, um, but, since you're here...

You know what? If you don't 'like green, I should send you this great link for 50% off decorative shams.

No, that's all right...

No, it's perfect for you.

I mean, they're doing a two-for-one right now and you can replace all the pillows.

Shelby, really, I'm fine.

I am all shammed up.

But I wanted to talk.

Oh, yay, I love to talk. I know.

I mean, I could just talk and talk and talk and talk and...

Yeah, yeah, me first.

So, um...

Shelby?

Mm-hmm?

I just wanted to tell you that well, your beauty humble.

What's that supposed to mean?

What?

It's a compliment.

Oh, sorry, I wasn't sure.

My last boyfriend was bit of a jerk, so, I guess I'm compliment-starved.

That is so nice.

Anyway... What do you mean by "beauty" specifically?

I mean, I know we all have these parts about ourselves that we like and we don't like, and it might be fun to see if we agree on all mine.

Well, um...

You have skin.

You have great skin.

Mm-hmm, and what else?

So, basically I design low-cost, affordable green housing.

Wow, that is amazing work.

It's pretty rewarding.

But what about you, big city surgeon turned small-town doctor, what's that story?

Oh, come on!

Something wrong?

What? No.

But don't you hate this?

We have not been offered refills on our drinks.

Well, you still have a lot.

Mm-mm.

Barkeep.

You got customers over here, too.

Just one moment, I need one tiny little thing.

Okay.

Wanda: Lemon.

No way.

No way, you got Lavon the Owl Club endorsement?

Whoa, you go, girl.

I know exactly what you're getting.

It's that new green tea foot lotion.

(nervous laugh)

I keep strict tabs on what my customers buy, and those are selling like hotcakes.

Can't sneak anything past you, Frank.

Lavon: Frank?

What is this?

You plan on putting this in the window?

The window I authorized town funds to repair after the storm blew it out?

Ruby's tough on crime.

What crime?

When Bud Meeks stole those Twinkies last month, what you do?

Wait, I know the answer.

Call on me.

Nothing.

Bud Meeks is six years old.

That's where it starts.

You get what you need?

Oh, changed my mind.

Anyhoo, ooh, ooh, ooh.

Mayor shouldn't carry his own bags.

That is a job for your campaign manager.

Frank: That'll be $18.94.

So, no foot cream?

Nope.

Not today, Frank.

My feet are very soft today.

(chuckles)

Think about the posters, Frank.

Give my love to Melinda!

(alarm blares)

What is that?!

It's the security system I installed post-Meeks.

Don't anybody move!

Lemon Breeland!

I caught you in the act.

What?! That is not mine!

I don't know how that got in there.

Tell that to the sheriff.

Uh, it's mine.

What?

I put it in the bag, thought you rung it up already.

What do you need a pregnancy test for?

For my gator...

Burt Reynolds.

I-I think she may be in heat.

And a girl.

Gators have internal sex organs.

It's, uh... it's difficult to tell.

Zach: So then the governor wrote me a personal letter of thanks.

What do you think about lions?

I mean, they are stupid cats, don't you think?

You know what? If you switched the letters in "lion," it would spell "loin."

(laughs)

That says something.

You know what? Why don't I just walk you home?

(laughs)

I thought you two were going into Mobile.

Hey, Ruby!

Hey!

No. We changed the minds of us and we came here and had some drinks.

Plural. Big ones.

Uh-huh.

(laughs)

Oh, no.

Hmm?

No, no, this is not about the lion!

Zach and I... we are having an awesome time.

Zach!

'Cause I'm a casual, carefree, casual girl.

And I am totally rockin' the cas... bah.

And Zach was just taking me home.

And we all know what that means. Mm-hmm.

Zach: Yeah.

Whoo!

He's gonna have to take a rain check.

Oh, why, because you're jealous?

No, I'm not jealous.

I just got a call from Lavon.

He have to meet him at the Dixie Stop.

Yeah, right. What for?

Lavon got arrested for shoplifting?!

Um, you know what? I suddenly don't feel like I need that drink after all.

Do you think that she heard me?

Oh, I think there's a very good possibility of that, yes.

Okay, don't freak out.

Oh, I love it when you start that way.

You know how you're supposed to separate the whitwh and the colors?

Well, I do.

These are the whites!

Oh...

Daddy, it's such a mistake!

I know, but don't b*at yourself up.

I meant making me do anything!

You are old enough to know better.

Look, we'll figure it out.

Just sit down here before your dinner gets cold.

I used your grandmother's old recipe book.

I made étouffée.

Is étouffée French for a "cat's butt"?

Don't be rude.

Oh! (coughs) Lordy!

Daddy, we have no clothes.

We cannot feed ourselves.

We have to make Lemon come home.

Grandma always made it seem so easy.

Where's Lavon?

Look, I can testify to his moral character.

And if that doesn't work, I got bail money.

You won't be needing it.

Sheriff Bill fined him $42 and let him go.

He's in the mayor's pocket.

Or the mayor's in his.

I never could get that...

This whole town is a den of thieves, from the mayor on down to that Lemon Breeland, who was probably his decoy.

And you know what takes the cake?

Mayor never did pay for his alligator's pregnancy test!

Burt Reynolds is a girl?

Well, alligators do have internal sex organs.

And what do you think about my hands?

I'm always worried that my left hand is bigger than my right.

Or is it my right bigger than my left?

(phone rings)

Both of them are fine.

I gotta take this.

Hey, Wade, perfect timing.

Uh, you know that "sandwich" that we were talking about?

Yeah, I'm gonna need some help with that recipe.

Trust me, man.

You got bigger problems.

You sitting?

Maybe you should sit.

Ruby! Ruby, stop!

You know Lavon.

He is honest and honorable and so not a shoplifter.

You can't use this against him.

Zoe, I already leaked it to the BlueBell Gazette.

I had to.

Are you kidding?

Lavon was going to crush me with that Owl Club endorsement.

I trusted you!

I know, but this is a campaign.

And if I win, I'd be a great mayor.

You'd get how I feel if you understood how much I want this.

All I understand is that you're purposely hurting someone that I care about.

No real friend of mine would do ever do that.

Lavon, I cannot thank you enough for saying that test was yours.

The campaign...

The sheriff and I handled it.

It's you we should be thinking about right now.

I was just starting to think that I could be independent, but... a baby?

I mean, I wanted one my whole life, and I could never...

I just never imagined having one without George.

And I think about all the crying and spitting up and...

How am I gonna do it?

Are you kidding me?

Lemon, you raised your sister practically on your own while graduating high school and college and leading the Belles, and God knows what else.

I was just thinking that I really want to have a career and...

Okay, now, I know some people say that women can't have it all.

Well, those people have never met Lemon Breeland.

Now I have no doubt that you will be a magnificent mother.

The only question is... are you gonna be one now?

(sighs)

George?

What are you doing here?

Lemon, I know that things have been strained between us, but if you're pregnant, you will not have to do this alone.

Oh, my God.

Am I the only person in this town that can keep a secret?

Thank you, George, but I took the test, and I'm not pregnant.

You're not?

I'm sorry.

Did that come out too happy?

Happy is fine.

Believe me...

I am.

Right.

Well... now that I can drink...

I don't know why we shouldn't.

We can't just ask Lemon to come back.

No, we have to beg.

No, no, she has to think it is her idea.

We just got to get her over here.

You know Lemon: Once she sees the mess we're in, she won't be able to stop herself from fixing our lives.

You need tutoring... in chemistry.

But I can't help you 'cause I gotta...

Who told you?

It was just one test.

Are you failing chemistry?

Maybe I'd be doing better if I wasn't starving.

Okay. So, she comes over, she tutors you.

Once she's here, she won't be able to leave without doing the laundry and making some macaroni and cheese.

Yeah, well, that is a little deceptive.

Daddy, this is the right thing.

'Cause once we run out of peanut butter, I'm gonna have to eat you.

Guess all the nausea was just a virus or something.

Actually, I don't think it was.

Okay, so now you're a doctor?

No, but you remember when we went up to Martin Lake and I rented that canoe, and we didn't get...

...Even 50 feet from the dock before I made you turn that thing around. I was so... seasick.

Mm-hmm.

George, no, I-I can't be seasick.

I live on a boat.

And I have to live here because I can't afford my own apartment and I'm not moving back home.

I'm gonna have to take to sleeping in the gazebo with Crazy Earl.

Or...

I could live here.

What?

Lemon, I am so sick of my apartment.

I'm drowning in pillow shams.

I'm serious.

We could both use a fresh start.

Let's switch.

George, this boat is a dump.

Yeah, but, I mean, the kitchen and the living room are the same room.

That's really neat.

Come on. Please?

Oh, my goodness.

You know, sometimes I think that God gave you such a big heart that he just left no room for plain sense.

You know, what if you came here tonight and I was pregnant?

Then we would've raised the baby together.

Really?

After everything?

Absolutely.

George... that is very kind of you, but...

It's so, so misguided.

Because it wasn't what you wanted.

Again.

And I think if you had spent five minutes anytime in the last year thinking about that, we wouldn't be in this... debacle.

That's probably true.

Lemon, I know what I want.

I want this boat.

(chuckles)

Hey, Lavon.

Old pal!

You okay?

That was the newspaper... wanting a quote about my getting busted for shoplifting.

Oh, when this hits the stands tomorrow, I can, I can forget about the Owl Club endorsement.

In fact, I can forget about the election.

Okay, okay, first, there's only one newsstand.

It would be very easy for an "accident" to take it out.

Zoe, the story's already out there!

I can't believe Frank would leak this.

Frank didn't. Ruby did.

Ruby? No, no.

How would she even find out?

Zoe?

Okay, but remember how you didn't want to hear about my sex life?

Well, Ruby did want to hear about it.

And she wanted to set me up with her cousin.

At first I was like, no way, but then Wade put a sock on his door, so I went on the date because I can be casual, too.

But I can also be drunk, which I was, which I still might be, but then Wade told me about the shoplifting, and I blurted it out, and Ruby heard.

So... in trying to prove to Wade that you could be casual, you casually destroyed my campaign?

See?

The way you get to the heart of things, that's why you are a great friend.

(sighs)

Why did you not call me the second you found out about this?

Well, I figured you had enough on your plate.

Oh, I see.

Well, it turns out my plate wasn't quite as full as I thought.

Wow, that's good news.

No kidding.

Well, at least the picture's good.

They can't take that away.

Thank you, Tom.

That means a lot.

Ruby: Come taste of Paula Deen's winning barbeque rub, compliments of Ruby Jeffries for Mayor.

Comes with a side of beans and a copy of this morning's Gazette.

Lemon: You know what? This is complete bull hockey.

I'm your campaign manager.

I'm gonna do something about this.

How?

I'm gonna figure it out.

That's how.

I am sorry about all this.

Thank you for coming.

Get you some barbeque.

If you want, I can find another best friend whose life I can ruin.

(chuckles)

No.

Truth is, none of this would have happened if I'd been a better friend and let you talk about Wade in the first place.

So, go ahead.

(clears throat)

Talk about Wade.

Wade?

Why the hell would I want to talk about Wade?

Okay, maybe just one thing.

Frank, I need to talk to you.

What? You want to distract me?

Be an accessory to another crime?

Frank, I wasn't the accessory.

I was the thief.

(laughs)

You know how it is.

Hey.

Uh, Shelby?

I did not know you were coming to this thing.

I missed you.

Last night ended so abruptly.

You owe me half a date, mister.

Yeah, yeah.

Shelby, look.

Mm-hmm?

I don't want to go out with you.

I mean, you are... you are totally awesome.

(chuckles) But I don't want to see you again.

I got the sandwich backwards.

You don't want to see me again?

What?

Look, it's just that I don't really like talking about discount shopping or pillow shams or all the eating disorders that your friends have or, well, pretty much anything that you like to talk about so much.

Uh, forgot to tell you about the slapping part.

It's kind of the toothpick in the sandwich.

I think that went well.

Okay, one last thing about Wade, and then that's it.

Okay.

I hate his house.

It is so gross.

Don't even get me started on the bathroom.

Big Z, come on.

Fine.

I just I thought that being with me would mean Wade wouldn't want to be with anyone else.

Turns out that I'm just one of many.

Kind of hurts my pride, you know?

But Zoe, I never figured you for a casual type girl anyway.

I know, but I really wanted to be.

Thank you.

Yeah.

Brick: You remember the plan?

Operation Get Lemon Back is underway.

That's not a very good name.

Well, I'm faint from hunger.

It's all I've got.

So have you heard, Dr. Breeland?

Your daughter stole a pregnancy test from my store yesterday.

Not me.

No, the other one.

I told the sheriff, but God forbid she does any time.

It's why the world is in the state it's in.

I, for one, will welcome the zombies.

Hmm.

Lavon Hayes does photograph well.

Hey.

Hey.

So, I confessed my crime.

Wait.

Lemon, you didn't have to do that.

Last night, you put my needs before yours.

Now it's my turn to do the same.

So Sheriff Bill promised to drop the charges as long as I bake him a pie, and Frank went to tell Dash and the Owls the truth.

So they're not giving us their endorsement just yet, but they're not giving Ruby her endorsement.

So, there's hope, especially if you fire me.

Fire you?

Lavon Hayes does not fire his friends.

And, Lemon, it turns out that we are.

Oh, I see we have some customers.

I mean, uh, voters.

Is there something you wanted to tell us?

Yes, I stole it, okay?

I know that's not how you raised me.

I'm sorry, but there it is.

About... being pregnant?

Oh! Oh, no, no, no, I'm not.

I'm sorry, I didn't know how far along in the story you were.

No, I was just seasick.

Oh!

Oh, thank God.

Can I have the boat?

No.

George and I traded places.

I've always loved his apartment, and I was gonna live there anyway.

Just now I'll do it without George.

It's all gonna work out.

Great. Good for you.

Crap.

Y'all okay?

You look a little pale.

Oh, no, we're fine.

We're fine, we're...

Mm-hmm.

We're gonna figure it out.

You just... you go on and help your candidate.

What about the laundry?

First thing tomorrow, you go buy us new clothes.

Awesome.

And the food?

We are gonna take as much of this barbeque as we can carry, enough to last us for at least a week.

See? We are so independent.

(sighs)

Look, I'm sorry that I acted like such a wackadoo last night.

I just don't think this casual sex thing is for me.

That's too bad.

I was kind of liking it.

Me, too.

Which is why I'm not asking you to be my boyfriend or anything, but I was just wondering if you could do casual my way, which means being monogamous?

Casually.

Yeah.

Yeah, I think I can do that.

You know what "monogamous" means, right?

(chuckles)

No hot blondes, no socks on the door.

Just to be clear, the blonde who was here yesterday, that was Missy from Ace Building Supply.

She was dropping off the tile for your bathroom.

And as for the sock, well, I hung it up after I stepped in raccoon crap.

Oh.

Oh. Seems to me that, uh, you probably need to be sent to the principal's office for punishment.

What?

Oh. Right.

I've been bad.

Bad.

But no spanking. Seriously, I don't believe in it.

(smacks) Hey, I mean it!