02x17 - We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together

[bunniefuu]

Lily Anne Lonergan? Your ex-bandmate who used to be in love with you?

I missed one little show.

That show was my sister's wedding.

Run from Wade.

You can hear further instructions in my song, "Run from Wade."

Wait, that was about me?

Jonah Breeland.

Breeland.

Mm-hmm.

There's more of them.

Yeah, this is Brick's nephew.

When did you get into football?

I am into Max Berges.

Victory party at Teddy's house. You should come.

Oh, my God.

I know that you left the bar last night with another woman.

Her battery was dead.

She said she needed a jump.

Something could've happened, but it didn't.

Did you talk to Wade about the other night?

Nothing happened with that girl.

Her battery just d*ed.

I've heard the one about the girl with the dead battery before.

Tansy, what are you saying?

The other day, when you asked me, I wanted to pretend it didn't happen.

I was drunk, and I was in a dark place.

Please forgive me.

♪

(phone ringing)

(phone continues ringing)

Dr. Hart, it's Dr. Breeland.

You've been out for six days.

I realize you've had a setback, but four patients have d*ed.

(beep)

Honey, it's Sheila.

We all read what happened on Dash's blog.

It's absolutely horrifying.

(beep)

Girl: It's a tragedy, is what it is.

Which is why I made you a pie.

(beep)

Man: Z, at least come in the kitchen.

There's coffee.

Also, I'm about to get your house tented for termites, so...

(sighs)

Hey, uh, I thought you had already left for work, so...

No, um, not yet.

Lavon: Hey, Zoe, you finally made it out of the hou...

I was just, uh, getting...

I need to get... coffee. coffee.

Well, uh, come on, we'll go to the Rammer Jammer and get some.

Well, uh, I'm actually going to work right now, at the Rammer Jammer, so...

I would be the one getting you coffee.

We'll stay here.

Good talk.

(sighs)

Magnolia, I'm here.

Hey, Lemon.

(gasps)

Oh, God, Shelby.

What are you doing crawling around on the floor?

I'm helping your dad buy a new rug.

As a professional organizer, I also dabble in home décor, and I thought the place could use a little spruce-up.

There are some things in here that have really got to go.

Yes, there are some things in this house right now I would just love to get rid of.

(laughs)

But while I appreciate your good intentions, this rug has been in our family for over 100 years.

My great-grandmother Vera picked it out.

Well, I don't want to kick Vera to the curb, but maybe she'd be happier in the den.

Magnolia: Oh, Lemon, thank God you're here.

Shelby wants to take me to school, and I'd rather set myself on fire.

Oh, well, we're all here.

Sorry, I didn't see you.

Your head's the color of the wall.

Lemon: Magnolia Breeland, where are your manners?

I cannot believe that you called and asked me to take you to school when Shelby so generously offered to take you herself.

Shelby, I am so sorry.

I apologize for my sister's behavior.

Oh, well, we all wake up on the wrong side of the bed sometimes.

What are you doing?

What are you doing?

I thought the goal was to get her out of our lives.

It is.

But in case you haven't noticed, Daddy and Shelby came back from their vacation early.

So?

So, clearly, after spending two weeks alone with Shelby, Daddy is finally seeing the light on just how annoying she is.

The best plan is to just give Shelby enough rope to hang herself with.

Well, she better hang herself soon, 'cause the wrong side of the bed is the only side my bed has.

Shame on you for hurting our sweet Zoe.

She cured my eczema.

Don't know a good thing when you have it.

Bad, bad man.

Hey, Tucker, how's it going?

Well, you lied to my face.

So I guess that's how it's going.

You are too good for Wade anyway.

You're much better off without him.

You could use the extra time to do something with that hair.

Aw.

Thank you.

I've never been surrounded by more calories.

(laughter)

Okay, let's give her some space, now.

Oh, sure.

Everybody's just happy to see you out and about.

You know, they've been holding onto these pies for, like, a week now.

How are you?

Sad.

How am I supposed to feel better when everywhere I look holds a memory?

Or a person with pie.

Hey, Zoe.

Hey.

Hey, uh...

I know you're going through a rough time right now.

If there's anything I can do, like... like punch Wade, or have Tansy punch Wade again, or have anyone at all punch Wade...

I realize now that all my ideas involve punching Wade, but I can work on others.

Thank you, George.

That is very sweet.

All right, then.

No pie.

(chuckles)

You know what, I'm going to work.

Taking care of others might help me forget my own problems for a while.

Hey, heard you got dumped.

You want to know what helps get over those break-up blues?

Mind-blowing sex with a really hot doctor.

Oh, man, if only I knew one, I would give it a sh*t.

Why are you here?

Just finished two grueling weeks of applying for a surgical fellowship.

You may remember that.

Mm-hmm.

So, anyways, just thought I'd catch some BlueBell R and R and lend Brick a hand.

Oh, Dr. Hart.

So, glad you could join us before lunch.

There are patients with needs and, oddly, pies.

Zoe: Okay, this is... not the escape that I was looking for.

Jonah, would you mind covering for me? Thank you.

More pie for us.

You're in a really good mood.

What's going on?

Well, since you ask, Shelby and I had the most amazing two weeks in New Orleans.

So good, we came home early so I could tell the girls I want Shelby to move in.

Then you better enjoy those pies while you can because, once you tell Lemon, you're going to be eating through a straw.

No, I already thought about that.

I've got a plan.

(knocking on door)

Got a present for you.

Figured it might be best for you to use this for the time being.

It'll solve our kitchen traffic problem.

Look, I get it, all right?

I'm the town pariah.

I will keep out of your kitchen, and I'll keep out of your way.

(bicycle bell rings)

Hey, just the guys I was looking for.

Reverend Mayfair, what brings you out here?

Just reminding all my volunteers about the church casino fund-raiser.

I decided to put you two in charge.

Uh, about that...

Well, actually, I-I...

No, no, no, no, now, look, you can't say no, okay?

The idea was revealed to me in a vision.

(laughing)

(rings bell)

Goes to that well a lot.

(sighs)

(dog barks)

Zoe?

How you doing?

Please don't have pie.

Oh, my God, the pity pies.

I got a ton to help me after the breakup with Wade.

Plus some other stuff, but I wasn't living a real healthy lifestyle then.

Oh, yeah.

You're a Wade breakup survivor, too.

You know how he just gets under your skin?

But look at you.

You're not sad.

How can I be like that?

I will do anything.

Well, it just takes time.

No, no. I mean now.

♪

(grunts)

Welcome to the official Wade-free zone.

But "modernation" is the key.

Modulation... modernization.

I agree.

You know, this is great.

(sighs)

But honestly, I still feel terrible.

That's 'cause you haven't k*lled enough brain cells yet.

I'm a doctor.

I should know that.

To the death of brain cells.

Especially the ones that remind us of...

♪ Gotta run from Wade ♪
♪ Hide out in the shade ♪
♪ From all the messes that he made ♪
♪ And all the games that he played ♪
♪ Run from Wade... ♪

How many dead brain cells until I didn't see that?

♪ And the bills he left ♪
♪ Unpaid ♪
♪ The love that he betrayed ♪
♪ Run from Wade ♪

(laughter)

So, she's already moved Grandma Vera's rug and she put up fuchsia drapes in the guest room.

Classic.

(chuckles)

I'm sorry, what is fuchsia?

Jonah, point is, once Daddy experiences the full Shelby disaster in full bloom, then she'll be out of our home for good.

Hmm.

What?

Hmm?

Listen, remember the time when we were kids and I made you eat the carpet in the upstairs hallway?

Mm-hmm.

That will seem like an appetizer if you don't tell me what you know.

(sighs)

Your dad's asking Shelby to move in.

What?

Well, I won't allow it.

Well, he's not gonna ask for your permission.

My father would never, ever, ever let a woman move into our house without his daughter's permission.

Well, he figures he only needs to get one of you, and then the other will follow suit.

You're not the only Breeland who knows how to exploit the weak.

(gasps)

Oh, no.

I just can't believe him.

Of course he cheated on you.

He's Wade Kinsella, selfish to the bone.

He never even had clean sheets.

Oh, my God, what about him clipping his toenails on my couch?

What is up with that?

Yeah, and those puppy dog eyes every time he forgets your birthday, or leaves his wet towel on the bed, or runs over your pet gerbil.

I got to go finish up my set.

Stay strong, girl.

(cheering)

I take it back.

I feel much better.

Lily Anne is great.

♪ Got to run from Wade, hide in the shade ♪
♪ Run from Wade, run from Wade... ♪

Zoe?

What?

Stop.

Why? It's helping.

Lily Anne: Hey, y'all.

This song goes out to my fellow sister in pain, Miss Zoe Hart.

(whooping, cheering)

Yeah!

(applause, cheering and whistling)

♪ Why don't he ever wear a shirt? ♪

Yeah, why doesn't he ever wear a shirt?

♪ Would a little bit of modesty hurt? ♪

Zoe, letting hate into your heart is not the answer.

But hating just looks so easy.

♪ Chasing anything that wears a skirt... ♪

Look at Lily Anne.

♪ Why don't he ever wear a shirt? ♪

She's been singing the same songs for four years, and she is just as angry as the day she and Wade broke up.

It's your choice.

Be Lily Anne and angry the rest of your life, or do like me and let yourself grieve, really grieve, and end up happy with a guy like George Tucker.

And I mean like George Tucker, not George Tucker himself.

You're right.

I'm not gonna let hate into my heart.

♪ Why don't he ever wear a shirt? ♪

(applause and cheering)

(seagulls calling)

+

(sighs)

(foot thuds, gasps)

(whimpers, groans)

Stupid Wade!

(sighs)

I will not let hate into my heart.

I'm sorry, boot.

Rose: I'm sorry, Zoe.

So, how are you feeling?

You know how you always think that pie can make you happy?

Not true.

Don't worry.

I already checked, and Wade is not gonna be on shift till tonight.

Thanks. And thanks for meeting me for breakfast.

Distraction is exactly what I need.

So, just talk to me about you and just keep talking.

Well, uh, Max and I have made it official.

He put that he's in a relationship on his Facebook page.

Ooh! Are you guys meeting, like, every day after school to do homework together?

Totally. Except lately, he's had to cancel because he's doing a study on pond frogs for his science fair project.

It's not super great for my ego that I'm losing out to fly-eating amphibians, but it's temporary.

Rose, I am so happy for you.

Take this.

Trust me.

It'll help.

Shula: And I have connections, if you want to make Wade disappear.

That's all I can say.

In fact, I have said too much.

(grunts)

Magnolia: What's the emergency?

Okay, you know that big dinner Daddy just texted us about?

Mm-hmm.

He's going to tell us that Shelby is moving in.

(gasps)

Lemon, get your head in the game.

Your evil skills are slipping.

Not anymore.

I have always believed that Shelby has an ulterior motive for dating Daddy, and I am going to prove it and get rid of her once and for all.

Yay, you're back!

Meanwhile, you have to stay strong.

Because I believe that Shelby and Daddy are going to target you and try and buy your approval.

Buy? What, with gifts?

Forget it. (scoffs)

Why? What's their budget?

Magnolia!

Now is not the time to cave in to your God-given materialism.

Do you want Shelby as your stepmom?

No, I'd rather die.

Just say no.

No, no, no, no, no.

Okay, I get it.

God, it's like health class.

Zoe: Yep, it's strep throat.

I'm going to give you a sh*t of antibiotics to help, but it's very contagious, so avoid close contact with others.

Yeah. So not gonna happen.

Excuse me?

Every day after school, I meet my boyfriend at the pond.

Well, the guy who will be my boyfriend once he dumps the girl he's dating now, who is so not as hot as me.

Oh. Small prick.

Ow!

I'm sorry if I seemed angry, but I'm not.

It's just that people get hurt when others cheat.

Don't take it out on me that Wade Kinsella cheated on you.

Seriously? That's how you're going to talk to the woman with the needle?

It's your job to give me medical advice, not judge me just because guys find me irresistible.

You know what? You're so right.

You should send your boyfriend in for treatment since he's been exposed to your irresistible strep.

(scoffs)

Lavon: Look, I know

I promised I'd help with the casino fund-raiser, but I got important mayoral duties.

Yeah, I've been picking up some extra shifts to try and save money for, uh...

(clears throat)

...my Aunt Polly.

Got to balance the budget.

She's very sick.

Got a deficit.

A real huge one.

Chicken pox. Bad ones.

Yeah, I told her, "Don't be handling those chickens."

Polly.

I've heard better excuses from eight-year-olds.

Now, what is going on with you and Lavon?

Wade screwed up.

I screwed up.

And I can't be around Wade right now.

Well, I'm sorry to hear that you two are having such troubles, but this is the church's biggest fund-raiser of the year.

And do we really want to disappoint the big guy?

Wow. You really do play that card a lot.

Hi!

I baked you your favorite apple crisp.

I was going to bake you your favorite pie, but for some reason, all the pie tins in this town are sold out.

Okay. All right, what do you want?

George Tucker, you know, it really saddens me that you wouldn't think I would bake you an apple crisp just to be nice.

But since you happen to be right, let's get down to it.

I need you to help me dig up dirt on Shelby so I can make Daddy break up with her.

Uh, no.

No, no, no, no, no.

No, I have no desire to get involved in the love life of my ex-girlfriend with my ex-fiancée.

But Daddy's about to let Shelby move in, and for all we know, she could be a black widow or a Russian spy.

We need to protect him.

Okay, first off, not a m*rder*r or a spy.

Secondly, if you want Brick to break up with Shelby, well, good luck to you, because that girl is an anti-breakup ninja.

George Tucker, you left me at the altar.

You owe me.

What is the statute of limitations on that?

Eternity!

Fine. Fine, fine.

What do you... what do you need me to do?

I need you to be my decoy.

I did a little online stalking, and I discovered that Shelby has put her condo up for sale in Pensacola.

Tomorrow, there's an open house, which gives me the perfect opportunity to snoop through her things and find out what skeletons she has in her closet.

And here's where I think I should tell you that an open house is not carte blanche to...

Eternity, George!

Why don't you just consider it the house-hunting that you deprived me of when you left me at the altar?

Okay?

(chuckles softly)

Wow. That was good.

Hey, Max, I didn't know you were here.

Uh, hey, Dr. Hart.

I hope you're not mad, but I saw Dr. Breeland.

I just thought it'd be weird if I was your patient, you know, given our romantic history and all.

No problem.

All right, well, see you.

Okay.

Is Max okay?

Yeah.

Just came in for a penicillin sh*t.

Case of strep throat.

Strep?

Mm-hmm.

I had a patient earlier today who came in for strep, and I told her to send her boyfriend in for a check-up.

So Max must be her boyfriend.

You're like a master detective.

No. Max is Rose's boyfriend.

And he told her that he's been studying frogs at the pond for his science project, but instead, he's been studying Tonya!

Well, this makes me mad.

For Rose. Not for me.

I am not mad.

Excuse me!

What you did is the worst thing anyone ever did to me.

And I don't want to be a big person about it and just let my anger go.

Because it is official!

I hate you.

I will always hate you, and I will enjoy hating you!

Feel better?

Yes!

Thank you.

+

(sighs)

(instrumental intro to "Run from Wade" plays)

♪ Gotta run from Wade ♪
♪ Hide out in the shade ♪
♪ From all the messes that he made ♪
♪ And all the games that he played ♪
♪ Run from Wade ♪
♪ Run from Wade ♪
♪ And the bills he left unpaid ♪
♪ The love that he betrayed ♪
♪ Run from Wade. ♪

(laughs)

Chin up, Dr. Hart.

You deserve better than Wade.

You're right, Frank.

Screw Wade!

Don't know that we need the language, uh...

Oh.

Dr. Hart?

(clears throat)

Wow. You look chipper.

Mmm, I had a catharsis last night.

Did it involve a bonfire?

'Cause you smell like soot.

I may have b*rned a few things in my chipperness.

Oh. Burning Wade's stuff to get over those breakup blues.

Nice. You want to know what works even better?

Sex. I'm way ahead of you.

What do you want?

Well, I know you think that kid Max is cheating on your friend, but you're gonna let that go, right?

Let it go? You know, there's a little thing in relationships called being faithful.

It may be too nuanced for your smooth little brain to comprehend, but if you knew Rose...

Yeah, yeah, I get it.

She's a sweet, sweet girl, blah-blah-blah, but in medicine, there is this thing called doctor-patient confidentiality.

And since, technically, I'm Max's doctor, if you tell Rose, I could be liable.

Hmm.

I just want to make sure that your anger towards men doesn't cause you to tell people things that you shouldn't.

Well, thank you for that lecture.

And just so you know, I would never break doctor-patient confidentiality.

However, I can't help it if I run into Rose and the truth just comes out.

♪ Come and join the parade ♪
♪ Run from Wade. ♪

No, how about you run the donation table and serve the God-approved nonalcoholic beverages, and I'll oversee the craps?

Babs Foster already got dibs on craps.

She got herself a new craps stick.

Then I'll work the blackjack table.

Already said I'm working the blackjack table.

And I'm the mayor.

I get to say.

Fine.

Donations go in the box.

And if Old Man Henderson wants in, pat him down for loaded dice.

Thank you.

See, the problem with living on a boat is that you can't pretend you're not home when people come by and ask you to snoop in your ex-girlfriend's house.

Yeah.

That's one of them.

Mildew's another... thing.

Welcome.

My name's Brayden.

Let me know if I can answer any questions.

The unit has southern exposures, central air, and the building skews toward young couples.

Are you two married?

Uh, no.

Almost.

(laughs)

This one is just so hard to get down the aisle.

(both laugh)

Oh, honey, this room is so perfect for that dinette set you always promised you'd get me but didn't.

Hmm.

Really? The dinette set?

You're gonna hold that over my head, too?

Yep.

Okay.

Oh, I just love this hutch.

George... she has a secret child.

(quietly): Let me see.

"To the best aunt ever."

Lemon.

This is insane.

It's also borderline trespassing.

No, it's not.

If there's a sign out front and an open door, they waive all their rights.

You are a lawyer. I can't believe you don't know that.

So... is there anything I can tell you about the place?

No, we're good.

Uh, storage.

Storage.

Where can I store things?

All kinds of things.

Like, important documents, my diary, that sort of thing.

If you're looking for storage, this is your dream place.

There's an incredible walk-in closet in the hallway outside the master bedroom.

(gasps)

Wonderful.

George, why don't you ask Brayden that long list of questions that you have while I go take a quick peek?

Yeah, but, honey, I don't...

I didn't...

So, um, wh-what's... what's the bird situation?

Hi, Magnolia.

I'm going shoe shopping.

Want to come?

No, thanks.

Hey, I feel bad, but your dad gave me this Tory Burch purse on vacation.

It is more your style.

You want it?

Nope. I definitely do not.

Hey, girl.

My friend gave me two tickets to see Carrie Underwood in Jackson.

Want to go?

Take a friend?

Go backstage, meet her...

Maybe sing a little something?

No, thanks.

This should be right in my wheelhouse.

I thought you said Magnolia was materialistic and shallow.

Well, I love her, and she has many gifts, but she is.

There is no way she had that much willpower on her own.

Lemon.

Lemon must have gotten to her.

So, now what?

Well, we just have to out-Lemon Lemon.

(chuckles)

(whooping, laughter)

Don't give me that boyish look.

Lucky streak, my heinie.

You counting cards.

I-I swear I'm not.

I suck at cards, and I can't count worth a hoot.

It's true.

And P.S., that boyish look is the only look my new husband has, so back off.

Okay, everybody calm down, now.

I'll have to call the pit boss.

Ain't no pit boss.

He'll just take you out back and break your legs.

That'll be ten dollars, Frank.

Sucking up to God ain't gonna make up for what you did to Zoe.

God hates you.

No, no.

Not true. Now, God doesn't hate Wade.

God loves everyone.

Maybe officially, but you just know he's got a list.

(sighs)

I need to take a break.

Rose: Zoe?

What are you doing here?

Hey, is this your school?

Who knew?

Anyhoo, just so glad we happened to run into each other.

Wow, you seem so happy.

Not letting hate into your heart is really working for you.

Oh, no. I tried not to let hate in, but you know what? Hate is a real charmer.

So I said, "What the heck, come on in""

Brought two of his friends, petty and vindictive, and you know what? We have been partying it up.

It's awesome.

Enough about me.

How's Max?

Uh, good.

He had a sore throat, but he seemed to be better today.

How is his project going?

Oh, I don't really know.

It's about frogs, so I don't really ask.

To be honest, I can't wait until this science fair project is over, because the next day is Max's birthday, and I've been saving up to get him a guitar.

Don't!

What?

I mean... don't you want to know more about Max's science project?

No, not really.

Great.

Let's drop in on Max and check out those frogs.

Okay.

+

I don't get it. Why the sudden interest in frogs?

Because someone told me that it is frog mating season, and this is where they come to do their froggy business.

And, if we're quiet, we can catch-- uh, see them.

I don't want to see frogs doing it.

Sounds gross.

So gross.

But you know what? Sometimes you have to confront reality.

And reality has taught me that frogs, like men, have trouble sticking to one mate.

And I feel bad for the frogs.

Just like I would feel bad for you if Max turned out to be a frog.

Whoa, I'm confused.

Are you saying you think Max is a frog?

No.

Well, you know, maybe.

I hadn't thought about it.

I just think it seems a little odd that he picked this pond to do his science project, where all the kids make out.

No... no, Max would never cheat on me.

Look, you are just such a good person, and I don't want to see you get hurt.

Girl: Hey, it's me.

Shh.

I'm waiting here for you.

What?

Okay, you're on your way?

Sweet.

Wait, you think Max is cheating on me with Tonya?

Oh, I don't recall saying that, but if that's what you think...

I think I should know more about Max's science project.

MAGNOLIA (over phone): Hey, Lemon, how's it going?

(sighs)

Well, if an addiction to bedazzling was enough to get Daddy to break up with Shelby, we'd be golden.

Okay, how's it going on your end?

I'm trying, but, well, a person can only be so strong.

What?

What do you mean?

Ooh, yeah.

Nothing. Just... good luck.

But...

(whispering): Magnolia!

(beep)

Cool.

Okay, I think we got enough with the bow on.

You want to take it for a spin?

(laughs)

Lemon. Hey, hey.

Time's up, okay?

I stalled the chatty Realtor as long as I...

Are those boas?

Yes, and there's a matching set of tap shoes in each color.

I don't even want to know why.

I know why, Lemon.

Shelby's not a woman.

She's a drag queen.

Quick. We got to go tell Brick right away.

George Tucker, do not mock me.

(clears throat)

Magnolia's clearly folding like a house of cards, and we are the last bastion of hope to keep Daddy from making the biggest mistake of his life!

No, I'm out. My daddy!

Who lost thousands of dollars on a wedding that never happened.

All right, okay, all right.

What? What do... what do you want me to do?

Go through these bank records.

(both sigh)

Okay.

Eugenia, give Cody back his chips.

He told me the only thing that b*at my flush was five of a kind.

It's called a bluff, and I'm the master of it.

I will hit you with a rock.

Hey, Lavon.

Hate to interrupt your good time.

What is it, Wade?

Have you seen the, uh, lockbox that had all the donations in it?

You're kidding, right?

As much as I could use a good laugh myself, no.

How did this happen?

I needed a break, all right, Lavon?

If I had to sit there and have one more person wagging their finger at me about how I mistreated Zoe, I swear to God, I was gonna lose my mind.

This is a church fund-raiser.

Those were church funds.

Geez, just take it down a notch, all right?

No!

And when are you gonna stop trying to prove that all you can do is disappoint people?

We believe you, okay?

You can stop now.

Yeah.

Reverend Mayfair: Wade?

Mayor Hayes, everything okay?

Uh, yeah, yeah, just some unexpected bumps.

(chuckles)

Tell me about it.

I just found Sergeant Jefferies with this.

Apparently, he thought it was his lunch box.

I don't think that it, uh, takes anything away from the miracle of God's creatures to say that some of them are just plain nuts.

(chuckles)

(groans)

Good Lord!

What self-respecting woman in the 21st century wears scrunchies?

Maybe you're right.

Maybe Shelby doesn't have any dark secrets other than a severe lack of good taste.

No, no, hang on.

Maybe you're right.

Look, these-these... these bank statements show that Shelby's behind on her mortgage.

Wait, what?

Yeah, not just by a little bit, either.

She has a massive amount of debt here.

Yay!

Shelby is a gold digger.

I told you so.

Do not try and hide something from Lemon Breeland 'cause I will find it.

I will find it.

You found it, but still.

Brayden: Since you asked about storage space...

Oh, my Lord, how are we gonna explain that we're in here?

(gasps)

Oh, my.

Oh, hey, hey.

I'm sorry, we got a little bit carried away.

You know how it is when you're almost married.

(chuckles)

By any chance, would you want to show us the guest bedroom?

Nope.

No, I do not.

Okay.

Okay.

Excuse us. Sorry.

I can't believe Max would cheat on me.

I thought he was a prince, and it turns out he's just a frog.

Don't worry, Rose.

We will get through this together.

I have the perfect song.

"Run from Wade," although we could change the lyrics.

♪ Max make tracks...

Frog!

Whoa, Rose.

What are you doing here?

Wait, and Dr. Hart.

I can't believe you're cheating on me.

You liar, two-faced, frog-faced liar!

Yeah, what she said.

What-what are you talking about?

I'm just here to do my science project.

(chuckles)

Oh, yeah, right.

Well, if your science project is to raise Tonya's IQ above that of a turnip, you failed.

That's right. Epic fail.

Wait, wait, Tonya?

Oh, you have got to be kidding me, because Tonya hates me.

No, seriously.

Watch this.

Hey, Tonya!

Oh, my God.

How many times do I have to tell you to stop doing your stupid frog project where me and my boyfriend make out?

Go get your geek on somewhere else, pervert.

(sighs)

Yeah, so I don't think I'm gonna be hooking up with Tonya any time soon.

Oh, my God, Max, I am so sorry.

Max, this is all my fault.

I thought, you know, you had strep, and Tonya had strep, so I...

Rose, I am so, so sorry.

And I'm so glad your being mad at Wade has made you feel better, but it doesn't mean everyone's a frog.

Come on, Max.

+

Lemon, I know you mean well, but I'm not really sure you should do this, okay?

Shelby might be a financial train wreck, but I know for a fact that she makes your dad very happy.

And I know that you mean well, but I'm not inclined to take relationship advice from a man who just forgot to tell me that he wasn't in love with me until our wedding day.

Now, I thank you kindly for your assistance, and good night.

(clears throat)

Magnolia: Lemon, I'm sorry.

They got me a new car.

You can buy movie tickets from the dashboard.

What?

Shelby's moving in.

Whoa... Magnolia.

You... you ruined the big surprise.

Sweetheart, I know how protective you can be, so I hope you can get on board without needing a whole new set of wheels.

Lemon, I'm so glad you could make it.

Did you see the new rug?

Yes, and you were so right.

Sometimes you just have to toss things out that don't belong.

Daddy, may I speak to you alone please? Well, c-can it wait till after dinner?

Oh, a-and by the way, since you have your own place now, we have decided we're gonna convert your room to Shelby's office.

That way, she can, you know...

Redecorate it using your credit cards? Absolutely not.

I will not allow her to use you as a solution to her one-woman fiscal cliff.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, Lemonade, what is going on?

Shelby has put up her condo for sale in Pensacola.

And do you know why?

Because, if she doesn't sell it in the next 30 days, she is going into foreclosure.

And maybe you wouldn't be so financially strapped if you laid off the feather boas!

Daddy, I'm sorry that the truth had to come out like that, but... it had to be done.

And you're welcome.

I have no words for how disappointed I am in you for behaving like this.

What?

I know all about Shelby's financial troubles.

You do?

Of course I do.

Shelby and I, we-we have an open and an honest relationship.

In fact, she was the one who insisted on a prenup if we got married-- to ensure that you and your sister would not be saddled with her... her so-called "fiscal cliff""

I better not lose my RAV4 over this.

(sighs)

Found the lockbox.

Turns out it wasn't stolen after all.

(sighs)

I'm sorry.

Look, Lavon, I get it, all right?

I get that I... lost the only girl that ever meant... anything to me and I'll never get her back, and I have to live with that.

And as a bonus to the most glorious screw-up of my already gloriously screwed up life, I get that on top of losing the best girl I ever had, now I've lost the best friend I ever had, and, uh...

Whoa, whoa.

Hey, hey.

You didn't lose me.

I mean, how could you lose me?

A) I'm six and a half feet tall.

You know what I mean.

Wade, you hurt someone I care about.

And worse, you hurt yourself.

But come on, man, we'll... we'll get through this.

We have to.

I can barely change my own lightbulb anymore.

Hey. Give me something strong enough to make me forget about the past 12 hours.

If it works, let me know.

Zoe, what are you doing here?

Trying to forget the past 12 hours.

Did I not make that clear?

Ah. Post-Wade breakup blues?

You know, alcohol is so not fair.

It makes you feel better, and then it makes you feel worse.

Hey, kind of like Wade.

Oops, need more alcohol.

No, uh...

I just wanted to feel better.

I had to make a choice: either to hate or to do the long, hard thing and work through my sadness, and guess which one I chose.

(sighs)

You're telling me.

Hating is so much easier.

Isn't it?

Yes.

I couldn't let just me be a hater.

I had to spread it around, prove that Max was cheating on Rose.

For the record? Not.

Yeah, and I spent my entire day trying to prove that Shelby had ulterior motives for dating my father. Also not.

Well, I understand how a person like you could be cynical.

I mean, your mother did abandon you.

Well, what about you?

Your father abandoned you.

And your father worked all the time.

And your mother never supported you.

George left you at the altar.

And Wade cheated on you!

Yes! He did!

(groans)

You know, if only there was a magic pill that could just make you feel better.

Forget the alcohol-- someone should come up with that.

I mean, they would be, like, a bazillionaire.

(laughs)

(sighs)

Listen, we're not friends, so I'm not gonna hug you or anything, but...

I will tell you this.

Even though there's no magic pill for your pain... you find a way to go on.

And once you go on long enough, you will get over it.

I'm living proof.

Lily Anne: Hey.

A shout-out to my soul sister, Miss Zoe Hart.

To no more toenails on your couch.

♪ This little white dress and fantasy ♪
♪ Is not the moon you promised ♪
♪ To hang for me ♪
♪ You disgust me ♪
♪ Wade, you, you disgust me ♪

Both: We should go now.

♪ You're the nose hair of humanity ♪
♪ You ravaged me emotionally ♪
♪ You disgust me, you disgust me, you disgust me ♪
♪ Whoa, oh-oh, oh, oh-oh. ♪

What, no bonfire today?

Isn't there just one corner in this town where someone can be alone?

Man, that is a good question.

Still battling the breakup blues, huh?

Please just go away.

Sorry. I'm bound by sacred oath to help those in pain.

(chuckles)

Or... something like that.

I don't know.

I was really hungover when I took my Hippocratic oath.

Shocking.

What you don't know about me...

...I can juggle.

There are oranges in my pocket.

(chuckles)

Oh, look at that.

Tell me this isn't cheering you up.

'Cause I know it's turning you on.

Look, Jonah, I-I really appreciate this, but...

You're still sad.

I see that.

Well, you really have no other choice.

There's only one thing left to try.

Come on. Why not?

Okay.

It's okay.

You can trust me.

I'm a doctor.

Hi.

Can I talk to you?

Don't worry.

I don't have any baked goods.

(chuckles)

So, turns out Shelby wasn't a gold digger after all.

Oh.

Well, that must have been fun.

Listen, I-I realize that my distrust of people may have been come by naturally, but it's still mine to keep or lose, and I choose not to blame anyone anymore.

So... as far as our wedding goes, I absolve you.

Really?

Well, thank you.

Of course, if Daddy ends up getting married to Shelby, it will be your fault for breaking up with her and making it possible.

Oh, so now... now you get to hold that over me. Okay.

All right.

Yep, for all of eternity.

(sighs)

Hey.

Hey.

Some things that you left at my place. a few things might be missing, or little singed around the edges...

I won't ask...

This doesn't mean that I forgive you, but with time, I will figure out a way to move on.

Oh, and even though I don't like you right now, I don't hate you, and I just thought that you should know that.

See you around.

See you around.