03x11 - One More Last Chance

[bunniefuu]

Please tell the Governor that BlueBell is not, and will never be interested in merging with Fillmore.

Fillmore supports the merger.

He's gonna try and take over the whole town.

I have a little boy who gets me up at 5:30 in the morning.

I tried to hang, but I just can't, and I didn't want to tell you that I'm a tired old loser.

I can handle a tired old loser.

It was really sweet what you said earlier about not being able to resist me.

I mean, I could just stop... resisting.

Lynly and I... we're not going away, so you can bury your head in the sand, or you can grow up, you can accept it.

You were with George and Tansy. Do you think he still has feelings for her?

Sometimes I think I never should have let you go.

Joel: Here's one. "Two bedrooms.

Wrap-around porch." Nice.

Uh, "Street parking".

I can deal with that.

"Landfill adjacent".

And that's a no.

(grunts)

Look, I'm not saying I'm in favor of this merger, but if BlueBell does become part of Fillmore, at least we'll have more houses to choose from.

That is not funny.

Look, we have two viable options. Just pick one.

All right, well, fine. I say we go with the one on Oak Street, then.

What? No, not that one.

So, when you said pick one, you...

Oak Street has termites, okay?

I hate bugs.

Even if we tent, I would picture them crawling all over me.

Just, no. No, no.

We need to go with the fixer-upper on Elm.

That house is next to Crickett and Stanley.

Are you kidding me?

No, no, I cannot live near people who sing show tunes all day. I still have PTSD from the summer I lived below Mandy Patinkin.

Oh, not this again.

There's still your Aunt Winifred's house.

Now that you're all BFF-y with the Wilkes, maybe she'll rent to us.

No. No, no, no, no. I have been warned about Wicked Winifred.

Vivian says that Cruella de Vil would be a better landlord.

Yeah, but do you remember those built-ins?

I mean, what's a few Dalmatians compared to those built-ins, right?

Look, I finally have a family I like, you know, and I don't want to mess it up.

We'll figure something out.

Wade: Aloha, Joel.

Doc. Beautiful day to save BlueBell, don't you think?

Well, you seem chipper.

Well, Vivian's introducing me to little Harley this afternoon.

Yeah, you must be excited to finally have a playdate with an intellectual equal.

Hilarious, Doc, but no.

This is a test.

Once I hit it off with the young one, I get to move forward with the mom.

Joel: Forward?

Upstairs to the boudoir.

Ew, gross!

So, you and Vivian haven't, uh...?

Wow, dude, that is, uh... that is unexpected.

Yeah, well, Vivian's, uh...

I don't know... different.

I like her.

So I'm trying this new thing.

I think people call it dating.

You know, hand holding, taking her out to dinner.

Stuff you see 'em do on The Bachelor.

I even spent hours, literally hours, the other night, talking to her batty Aunt Winifred.

Are you kidding me?

No, we got into a whole thing about Kenny Rogers' plastic surgery and...

Vivian won't let Joel and I meet Aunt Winifred, because she says she's awful and mean.

She's not mean. Opinionated, maybe, but hell, she loves me.

Maybe, uh... maybe Vivian just thinks you two are embarrassing.

(stammers)

(car horn honks)

(seagulls calling)

(birds singing)

Season 3, Episode 11

"One More Last Chance"

Thanks to the Governor's sister falling in love with our town, Lieutenant Governor Alex P. Byrd arrives in BlueBell in less than 48 hours.

I looked him up.

Alex Byrd is very handsome.

Oh, Wanda!

Now, he's only gonna be here for two hours, but I'm sure we can pack in a lot of charm in that tiny little window.

And we will halt this merger by getting Bluebell declared a historic landmark.

Hmm. That's nearly a plan.

What? You don't think it'll work?

I make a fantastic first impression!

How could Vivian be embarrassed of us?

Lavon: Now, the one challenge that we all face is that, uh, well, not too many historically significant events have actually happened here.

So, when the Lieutenant Governor arrives, we're gonna have to put on our best BlueBell smile... and... and wing it.

And there's the nonsense we all know and love.

We're gonna have to tell him everything that we can think of that-that might, that just might, convince him of our historic relevance.

Oh. My mom's toilet in her bathroom is really old.

And I mean, I was saving it for Antiques Road Show, but I would be happy to...

No historic commodes, Tom.

No. No, no. No.

This visit is of the highest stakes for BlueBell, which means no fighting, no whining, no drama.

George and Lynly will hand out your assignments, and I expect everyone in town square tomorrow at 11:00 a.m. for rehearsal.

Thank you.

(applause)

Compulsory tomfoolery.

I love this place!

(crowd chatter)

Hey, Lynly, you up for another mani-pedi party?

Absolutely.

I'll bring snacks.

Uh, well, y'all are hanging out now?

With you busy saving BlueBell, and Tansy broken up with Scooter...

Oh. You broke up with Scooter? Ah.

You were right. He's a jerk.

Is us hanging freaking you out?

No!

No, not at all. No.

I-I... I used to date my best friend's ex-wife.

My best friend. But then he was dating my ex-fiancée, and now you're hanging out with my ex-girlfriend.

It's all part of that BlueBell charm!

It is. It's super.

It is super duper.

Next!

Hey!

Oh, sorry I'm late.

Hey, sweetie.

Ooh.

You look marvelous.

Billy Crystal.

(laughs)

Hey.

Oh. No, we're in a fight.

We are?

Yes. We are.

Why did you let Wade meet Aunt Winifred...

Who he said is not mean... and not me and Joel?

Are you ashamed of us?

Okay, Zoe, I'm sorry.

I did sort of mislead you about Winifred.

Wade's right; she's not mean.

But you really can't meet her.

She will hate you.

What? Why?

Because you're a New Yorker.

She has two exes from New York.

She blames the city.

Spreads to Connecticut. And Pennsylvania, north of Route 80. (phone chirps)

Look, I'm so sorry. I know you guys love that house, but she is not gonna budge.

Hey, great news.

The captain of the Fairhope senior slow pitch softball team d*ed.

Which is sad, but they had to forfeit the game to go to his funeral, and now guess who's playoff bound.

Ooh, game one is tomorrow night!

Tomorrow night is my date with Wade, which I'm very excited about, and you're gonna take Harley and you're gonna have a sleepover...

Maybe someone else in the family could do it.

Yes.

Joel and I would love to hang out with Harley. I adore that kid.

And he adores you, and so do I.

You're totally saving my life.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

And if you could mention the saving the life part to Aunt Winifred...

She wouldn't care.

Would only hate you more.

(on TV): Hi. It's Don Todd, and today we're on Easter Island

What...?

to learn how to concentrate on our sh*ts even when people are watching you.

Like, really watching you.

Hey, babe, how was your afternoon with Tansy?

Not so good.

W-Why? W-What happened?

It wasn't my fault. It was an accident.

There was this whole misunderstanding and...

Hey, Tansy, you in there? Is everything okay?

Do I look okay?

Look what your girlfriend did to my hair!

See, I-I really think she's mad at me.

Wait, you never raced a soapbox derby?

Man, we got to change that.

Hey, look, I can help you; I'm good with cars.

Can my car be red with a silver stripe?

Eh, stripes are pretty cool, but what about a lightning bolt?

(gasps, chuckles)

Hey, Wade?

Wanna hold my salamander, Cecil?

Heck yeah, come here.

Oh, when he lets you hold Cecil, that means he likes you.

Must run in the family.

(chuckles)

Hey, Mom?

Cecil wants ice cream.

Oh, he does? Okay, let me guess, chocolate?

Uh-huh.

(chuckles)

I'll be right back.

Yeah.

Man, he is so cool.

So, uh, Cecil's got pretty discriminating tastes, huh?

What else does he like?

Not you.

Come again?

He hates you, everything about you.

What's that?

Oh.

He says he's gonna k*ll you in your sleep unless you break up with my mom.

Well, that is a, uh, very articulate salamander. (Chuckles)

♪

Look at these cute diaper bags.

Oh.

Aw. Look, custom-made diapers.

Oh, Lord, what are they gonna think of next?

What's wrong with them?

Well, you're gonna use about ten of those a day for the first few months, because basically all babies do is they eat, poop, sleep, repeat.

Well, thank you for that inspiring vision of parenthood.

Honey, I'm just trying to prepare you for the reality, and believe me, you are gonna love all the poop.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I am supposed to go through our medical records to see if anyone of historical note has ever actually been treated here.

And I don't think Delma Lewis counts, even though she has been to 200 Dolly Parton concerts.

Well, I'll see you later, sweetie.

Who's that?

Oh, that's the Lieutenant Governor.

Does it look okay here?

'Cause we're tryin' to kiss butt.

That's the Lieutenant Governor?

I know.

Way too hot to be a politician.

(chuckles weakly)

Yeah.

Way too hot.

Lynly: We went through this last night.

Don't we have better things to talk about today?

The Lieutenant Governor is arriving.

Lavon needs us.

Right, I totally agree, um...

(clears throat) There are more important things to talk about, and I have a lot of work to do, but if you could just explain to me one more time how you accidentally b*rned off Tansy's hair.

It's because she has this professional curling iron that doesn't have a release spring.

So when you hold the iron too long in one place...

But why would you hold it for too long?

Because I wanted to get the curl really good.

I'm a perfectionist.

And then I smelled burning, and then I let go, but the clampy thing didn't.

Right, right, right, the clampy thing.

(chuckles)

Oh, my God, you don't believe me.

I didn't say that.

Wow. What kind of monster do you think I am?

Places, everyone!

Rehearsal's up.

And, Lieutenant Governor Byrd, this is our town gazebo, designed in 1892 by one of Alabama's foremost... gazeb-ists.

Really? Who?

Uh, one whose name is, um...

Sadly lost to history.

I, Lieutenant Governor Byrd, am not impressed.

Look, Crickett.

Oh.

It's Lieutenant Governor Byrd.

Welcome to BlueBell.

We're Belles.

Allow us to tell you all about our town's rich historical tradition.

That's your line.

I was pausing for effect.

Can we start over?

Elodie ruined my preparation.

I think this rehearsal is gonna take a while.

Yep.

Hey, about tonight, um, where is Harley going to sleep?

I did not think about that.

I don't know, maybe the couch?

Well, what happens when he falls asleep at 7:30, and we have to spend the rest of the night tiptoeing around in the dark?

Didn't really think that through, either.

You know, we wouldn't have this problem is somebody would just get over their show tune phobia.

You try writing a novel with someone singing selections from Evita over your head all day.

You're cute when you're infuriated.

Oh, thanks.

LAVON (clears throat): Governor Byrd, this is, uh, Dr. Hart, second-generation town doctor.

A living legacy.

Yes, yep, my dead father collected coins.

Really old coins.

Really? That's the best you came up with?

Lieutenant Governor Byrd is still unimpressed.

And-and this is famous author, uh, Joel Stephens, writing his next best seller, a future classic...

Uh, a historic novel set in BlueBell.

It's not really a historic novel.

It's more of a... It's a modern cowboy.

Are you trying to k*ll me, Joel?

(groans)

I'm sorry. I'm freaking out.

I mean...

This town was founded 250 years ago, and-and Tom's mom's toilet is our crowning achievement.

Lavon, deep breaths.

He's gonna love this town.

Yeah, I mean, what with the whole small town, neighbor helping neighbor sweet thing you got going on here, all the historic stuff, that's just gonna sail right by.

I just need to relax.

Yeah.

Unwind.

(Lynly sobbing) Lynly.

You okay?

Oh, yeah, I'm fine. Don't worry about me, I'm good.

(groans)

Uh-oh.

Thank you so much for yesterday.

Nah...

It was amazing to see how much Harley liked you.

Yeah, well, uh, about that.

Look, Harley may have liked me, but...

Apparently, if I don't break up with you, Cecil the salamander is gonna k*ll me in my sleep.

No, he just needs to spend more time with you.

How about tomorrow you come with us to my Aunt Winifred's crab boil?

Bring him a toy truck or something.

Yeah, it sounds great.

Hey, I promise you, I will win that kid over.

All right?

Okay.

Good.

'Cause I was thinking maybe we should get dessert to go.

(clears throat)

Waiter!

Harley: I don't get it.

Your house is a hotel?

I think you better take me home.

No, no, not a hotel.

Bed-and-breakfast, which... really cool thing...

Means when we wake up in the morning, breakfast is free.

So is breakfast at my house.

Let's go.

Well, you know something else that's cool about the Whippoorwill?

Someone else cleans our room for us. What?

My mom cleans my room.

I miss her.

No! We're gonna have fun.

What do you usually do when you're at home right now?

I like to build forts.

Uh, unfortunately, the furniture here is antique, which means breakable.

No offense, but this place isn't very kid-friendly.

My mom says you guys are nearly married.

Oh, um, I guess...

I suppose that's kind of... kind of true.

Why wouldn't you want to live somewhere where you can have a kid?

Or at least a dog or a cat?

Well, we're looking for a new place, but good real estate is tricky to find.

My dad found a house; took him two weeks.

Well, we want to stay right in town.

And some people don't like bugs.

And some people don't like singing.

Some people have never heard of exterminators.

Some people have never heard of earplugs.

Are some people you guys? Are you fighting?

No one is yelling, but it seems like you're fighting.

No, no, it's certainly not...

Sometimes I watch Dr. Phil with Brando.

You can learn a lot.

So, which one of you is afraid of commitment?

What? No, no.

What? No one. No.

She doesn't know how to compromise.

He just refuses to be reasonable.

Me? You're the one who's completely unreasonable when it comes to singing..

Me? I'm not the one refusing to deal with one little insect Singing is good for the soul.

That won't even be there when we move in.

That place has an amazing porch swing.

That place has an amazing kitchen.

You have asthma!

You don't cook!

(grunting)

(chuckling)

I didn't offer you anything to drink.

Do you want something to drink?

No, I'm good.

(doorbell rings)

(sighs)

What's going on? Is everything okay?

It was, and then someone said something about a dog, and...

I don't feel well.

What happened to your sweater?

He had a stomachache.

Yeah, and you have the letters "M.D." after your name.

Yes, well, I tried everything, but he insisted that he needed his mom.

Right, sudden stomachache.

Man, you got played.

Yeah, he used psychological water boarding.

And he won by a landslide.

ZOE (sighs): Well, I'm sorry that we ruined your night.

Me, not so much.

Let's ride back in silence.

That's the first thing we've agreed on in hours.

You're still talking.

Yes, I am.

Vivian: Okay, let's get you to bed.

Rain check?

Of course. (Chuckles)

You little...

Uh, cutie! (Chuckles)

Hope you feel better soon, mm-hmm.

(sighs)

(sighs)

(door opens)

Hey. I come with peace offerings.

Little powdered sugar ones.

Thanks.

I, uh...

I'm sorry.

Last night was just...

I know. That kid.

He poked and he prodded, and he poked where he prodded.

Yeah. On the bright side, looks like young Harley has a promising future as a CIA interrogator.

(chuckles) But I will say, he did make me realize that we need to get out of this place.

Oh, agreed, but I'm not moving to the bug house.

Well, I'm not going to show tunes-ville.

Well, then I guess we need Aunt Winifred's house, 'cause it's the only one that we agree on.

I'm about to hear a long, cuckoo plan right now, right?

No, the plan is very simple.

See, we have Vivian get us invited to Aunt Winifred's crab boil today, and wein Aunt Winifred over, and she rents us her house.

But how do we get her to like two New Yorkers?

I'll figure something out.

Or we'll wing it.

I swear, it's like you and Lavon have the same brain.

Yeah, we're thinking about changing the town's motto to "It's so crazy, it just might work."

But you have to say it like that.

(grunts)

Well, at least one of us got a good night's sleep!

Too bad it's not the one who's got to save BlueBell today.

(groans) Lavon, what is going on?

Well, that's what I'd like to know.

I-I just spent the night trying to keep Lynly's tears from flooding my guest house.

Wait, what?

Hold on.

Why?

Because you're breaking up with her.

Never said anything about breaking up.

Though, truth be told, I might be having some doubts, some serious doubts.

I don't know if you've seen Tansy recently, but in a nutshell, very bad hair day.

I don't want to talk about hair!

The Lieutenant Governor arrives in half an hour. I need things to go perfectly.

I understand that.

Well, good, 'cause you and Lynly are supposed to be stationed at the Rammer Jammer, showing love and diversity in the historic context and celebrating the anniversary of your first kiss.

All right, Lavon, I don't know if I made myself clear, but me and Lynly, not exactly in a kissing zone right now.

So...

Call her.

Apologize. Fate of BlueBell.

Joel, hey, big news.

Okay, so we are officially invited to the crab boil, and I know, I was thinking that maybe you could fake a seizure at dinner, because Aunt Winifred would be super impressed watching me save someone's life.

Right. I'll keep thinking.

(chuckles)

Hey.

Don't say anything.

Okay.

It's not that you're more likable.

Just apparently Aunt Winifred is a New York-ist.

You know, somewhere I have about eight billion retorts to that, but, um, right now I got my own Wilkes problem.

That you do. Little Harley sure is a stubborn kid.

Yeah, tell me about it.

My life is being ruined by a cranky eight-year-old and his talking lizard.

My life is being ruined by a cranky aunt and her bias against the zip codes.

You know, I could talk to Winifred if you...

Wade Kinsella, are you asking me to do you a favor?

No, ma'am. (Chuckles)

No, I'm simply asking for a mutual exchanging of...

Well, yeah, favors.

You know, you talk me up, I talk you up.

It's win-win.

You really like her, huh?

More than I've liked anyone since a flaky New Yorker blew into town, and, oh, yeah, ruined my life.

But I promise I won't share that with Aunt Win.

(clears throat)

You got yourself a deal.

(clapping)

Everybody, smiles on.

The Lieutenant Governor is here, and he's very handsome.

The Governor's sister really couldn't stop talking about BlueBell.

Said it was one of the most charming towns she'd ever seen.

Oh, well, uh, thank you.

You know, we also pride ourselves on our importance to the state's history.

And how's that?

(gasps) Lieutenant Governor Byrd.

The historic BlueBell Belles welcome you to BlueBell.

We made the "Gazebos of Alabama" calendar this year.

BlueBell's gazebo has stood for 167 years.

Weathered Katrina, countless storms, and witnessed hundreds of proposals, including my own. (Chuckles)

Well, that is sweet, if not quite historic.

Mayor Hayes...

Isn't this the most beautiful day?

Like every day in BlueBell.

Uh, this is Frank.

His roots in town go back five generations.

He owns the Dixie Stop, our local grocery.

You know, my grandfather invented the apple fritter right in our kitchen.

I believe Winchell's invented the apple fritter.

(chuckles)

I'm a bit of a history buff.

Mayor Hayes, good morrow!

Ah, well, if it isn't another one of BlueBell's happy couples.

Uh, this is, uh, Dr. Zoe Hart, and, uh, and BlueBell's very first best-selling novelist, Joel Stephens.

Nice to meet you. Actually, my second novel has been greatly inspired by BlueBell's unique small-town culture.

(clears throat)

And rich history.

Have you seen the gazebo?

I-I have.

Lavon, Lavon, Lavon, sorry.

Okay, real quick.

You know I am here for you 100%.

Go, BlueBell.

But would it be okay if Joel and I ducked out of town this afternoon with Wade and Vivian to go to my Aunt Winifred's crab boil?

Well, look, I need everything to go smoothly today.

So you leaving with Wade and Joel, not a problem.

Hey...

I'll try not to let that insult me.

Hey, Shelby, I got your text.

W-What's the emergency?

Oh, it's not the baby, is it?

You know that I'm not an actual medical professional, don't you?

It's not an emergency per se.

I'm just starving, and there is nothing to eat here, and Brick is on a house call.

Why don't you just go into town?

I can't.

I'm avoiding somebody.

Who?

Ugh.

The Lieutenant Governor.

What? Why?

If you must know, we slept together.

Eight months ago.

Shelby, are you telling me that the Lieutenant Governor, Alex Byrd, is your baby daddy?

(indistinct chatter)

Joel: That smells great.

Focus. We are on a mission.

(sighs) Can't we go to one Wilkes family event without some Jane Austen-like social manipulation plan?

You know, normally I'd agree with you, but I really don't want to be m*rder*d in my sleep by that lizard.

Jane Austen... that name sounds familiar.

Did I sleep with her?

Vivian: Hi!

Wade: Hey!

Oh.

You guys really came.

This is gonna be interesting.

Wade! Come here! Give me some sugar.

For you, two lumps, Aunt Win.

Come here.

Well, she doesn't seem intolerant.

Oh, well, just you wait.

(clears throat)

Winifred, come here.

I'm delighted to introduce you to your niece, Zoe Hart, and her boyfriend Joel Stephens.

Hi. It's nice to meet you.

You have a great yard.

Yeah, we brought some garlic-butter sauce for the crabs.

Well, of course you did.

New Yorkers always know how to do things better.

What? No, I-I...

You bring silverware, too? No need... us cowpokes, we just eat with our hands.

If you'll excuse me.

I don't need that. (Laughs)

(brief chuckle)

Wade: Hey, bud, got you this.

It's a cement mixer. (Chuckles)

Cecil says he's gonna use it to mix up your brain.

Oh.

Hey, Aunt Win! Let's hang!

Harley, buddy, let's talk!

Of course I lied.

Telling people I got preggo by a sperm donor sounds a lot better than saying I got knocked up by some complete stranger after seven tequila slammers.

(loud slap)

Yeah, I guess that's true.

AnnaBeth, this is our secret.

Take it to the grave.

Promise.

Of course, but...

Maybe this is fate giving you a second chance to come clean.

Tell Lieutenant Governor Byrd that he's about to have a chickadee.

No, siree.

What happens in Vegas...

Or in this case, a deluxe double at the Mobile Inn... no.

I am staying in this house until the Lieutenant Governor leaves town.

I just need someone to get me donuts.

Fine. I'm not one to be all pushy.

But before you eat yourself into a sugar coma, just... consider this.

One day, that child is gonna ask about their dad.

Are you sure you're gonna be okay saying, "Sorry, daughter... or son..."

"But your dad doesn't even know you exist"?

Wade: Hey, Aunt Win.

Uh, you know, Joel and Zoe may seem like your basic Manhattanites, but Zoe gave up a very fancy surgical career in New York to move back down here.

And I know for a fact that her favorite movie of all time...

Sweet Home Alabama.

Oh, you know who else loves Sweet Home Alabama?

My ex, Donna, from Brooklyn.

Zoe: Did you know that my pal Wade has a massive collection of video games?

Cecil says video games turn people into demented sociopaths.

I'm not sure that research backs Cecil up, but...

(clears throat)

Look at that Zoe Hart, just schmoozing with my little Harley.

After how she ruined his birthday.

Hey, do you like root beer floats?

Cecil does.

Do you know who makes great ones?

You're gonna say Wade, right?

(quiet sigh)

Y-You know what? Zoe's not perfect, all right?

She-she gets these ideas in her head, and most of the time they're just plain nutso.

But almost always, they come from a place of wanting to do things for the people she loves.

If it looks like I'm trying to sell you on 'em, it's 'cause I am.

And it's not for her sake, but for yours.

Honestly, you'd be lucky to call people like those family.

Zoe: You know what? I didn't like Wade, either, when I first met him.

He is an acquired taste.

But he is a good guy with a huge heart.

And one of the best fort builders I ever met.

And I know you like forts.

Winifred: Zo, where you been hiding?

Why don't you grab your boyfriend and that butter sauce you been bragging about, and come to my table.

Come on.

Winifred: Come on.

Harley: Hey, Wade.

Is it true that you know how to build a really cool fort?

Do I know how to build a fort?

(chuckles)

Buster, have you ever heard of the Alamo?

Guess who built that.

Me, that's who.

Really?

Yeah.

Awesome!

Wade: So, anyway, what you start with...

(bell tinkles)

Brick: AnnaBeth, good news.

I have solved the mystery as to why Shelby's been so out of sorts the last couple of days.

What? Shelby's out of sorts?

Hey. This is her first baby, and she just wants me to get in that excited zone with her, you know.

Yep, that sounds like...

You've solved the mystery, all right.

(chuckles) And I got her the cutest onesie you have ever seen.

Oh, come on, give me a hand wrapping it, will you?

Don't look at me like that.

Wow. Thanks, Wade.

Yeah!

This Alamo is awesome.

How do you get in?

Well, duh... like all the best forts...

Secret entrance. Ho!

Cool!

No? All right.

Hey, uh, man your battle station, little man, and... hey, let me, uh, lighten your load for you.

Your mom'll get mad if you get stuck in there. (Chuckles)

Wade: Pretty cool, huh?

Yeah.

(quietly): Crap on a crap stick.

Wanda: Lavon's coming with the Lieutenant Governor, so get ready to be historical and charming and spontaneous, like we rehearsed.

I'm so glad you called.

Now we can put this thing with Tansy behind us.

I knew you'd believe me.

Yep, yep...

It's just, uh, you know, it's water under the bridge.

We don't even have to talk about it.

We can just focus on... saving BlueBell.

Oh, great... Our anniversary couple's here.

Tansy, I am truly sorry about the unfortunate, um, follicle incident.

But even George here can attest to the fact that it was an accident.

Does "attest" mean what I think it means?

For your sake, I hope not.

Oh, look, there's Lavon and the Lieutenant Governor.

Time to save BlueBell.

You have that anniversary milkshake for us?

Coming right up.

And I can almost certainly attest to the fact that no one's gonna spit in it.

Wanda: Welcome to BlueBell's very own unique Rammer Jammer, built on the site of the original Rammer Jammer.

I-Isn't this the original Rammer Jammer?

Exactly.

Hallowed ground.

Whoa. Uh, hey, what-what have we here?

(clears throat) The Rammer Jammer would like to congratulate Gullible George Tucker and Crazy Eyes Lynly on the six-week anniversary of their first kiss.

Others: Happy anniversary!

Tansy, that's my cousin there.

Such unusual nicknames.

Where do they come from?

Lavon: Oh, um, handed down generation after generation.

Ask about the part where I smelled something burning and she said it was popcorn. (laughs)

Is that true what she just said about the popcorn?

That's what it smelled like to me.

Well, popcorn and human hair smell completely different.

Of course you'd believe her.

Why don't you just admit it, you still have feelings for her.

That's what this is all about.

No, no, no. That's not what I said.

Lynly, listen to me. No, no.

Lynly, please don't cry. Please don't cry.

Okay, smile. Hey.

(nervous chuckle)

OTHERS (chanting): Kiss! Kiss!

Are-are they gonna kiss?

'Cause this is starting to get oddly uncomfortable.

Oh, no, don't-don't worry, they're gonna kiss.

OTHERS (chanting): Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!

(chanting continues)

(applause)

An historic moment.

Uh... let's get you a seat outside.

(chuckles)

(panting): Hi.

Lieutenant Governor Byrd, I was wondering if you'd be interested in seeing my antique commode.

Tom, not now.

My Great-Great-Great Grandma Ernestine had one of the first indoor toilets.

When Andrew Jackson came to Alabama to commemorate the Battle of Horseshoe Bend, nature called. (Laughs)

She had him carve his name in the seat.

Andrew Jackson?

Now, that's historic.

What'd I say?

Uh, okay.

We need to talk.

(crying): Don't say it.

Don't you dare say it.

Oh, I apologize...

I did misjudge you two.

Oh, no, that's okay.

We misjudge people all the time.

And I hear you're looking for a house.

I have a rental... it just might be perfect.

I've been looking for... just the right sort of tenants. Mm, mm!

Really?!

Yes!

Oh, my gosh, that would just be...

Hey, Doc, can I... borrow you for a sec?

Aunt Winifred is telling us about the house. Can it wait?

No, it really can't.

Why? (Gasps)

I lost the rest of Harley's lizard.

Marian Matthews was right... this town is special.

And I love the... historic commode.

Yeah.

Point is, if BlueBell is looking for historic status to prevent this merger with Fillmore...

Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God...

Well...

Show me where to sign.

Whoa!

Yes! (Laughs)

Hot damn!

I happen to have the paperwork right here.

(chuckles)

And your choice of pens.

SHELBY (chuckles): Not a robber.

Just me, Shelby.

Shelby, can this wait?

What the hell's going on?

Shelby: This will only take a moment.

I'm taking your good advice to heart.

Lieutenant Governor Byrd, it's been a while, but hi.

Remember me?

Shelby, we are right in the middle...

Wait-wait. The Mobile Inn.

Exactly. Bingo.

Excellent memory.

Wow, what was that, uh... eight months ago?

Oh, no.

Oh, boy.

Or girl.

I'm not sure which yet.

Anyhoo, I want to make it very clear that I am not expecting commitment or financial support.

I just thought it was right to let you know that I am carrying the child that we made together with the help of our friends, vodka and tequila.

Okay, then.

On with your business.

(clears throat)

Maybe sign the paperwork first, then process what just happened.

Or not.

That salamander was Harley's best friend.

How could you guys lose him?

In good news, I once dated a veterinarian who told me that salamanders, they regenerate their tails.

Yeah, thanks for the backup, okay, but Cecil took off for the hills, all right?

A-And telling a kid that, oh, at least his tail's gonna grown back isn't gonna make him feel any better.

Yeah, well, we better figure out what will.

Mom, Cecil's gone.

Oh, sweetie, I know.

Maybe he'll come back.

Maybe he'll love being free and unshackled.

Harley: Cecil is a pet. He'll get eaten.

I knew I never should have put my backpack down.

It's all my fault.

Whoa, no, no, no, buddy.

Uh...

Look, there's something I should tell you.

It's not your fault Cecil took off, okay? It's...

Zoe: It's mine. Yeah.

You know, I-I was looking for lip balm, and I saw your backpack on the ground, so-so I thought, maybe there's some in there, and I unzipped it, and Cecil, he just... whoosh!... he just ran out.

And I tried to catch him, but... man, he's fast.

So after rooting through a backpack that isn't yours, looking for lip balm, you lose an eight-year-old's beloved pet, and you don't bother to tell anyone till now?

(softly): When my lips are really dry... sometimes I have trouble talking.

Ah. Just like my ex, Shaquira... from Queens!

She had dry lips, too... and no regard for anyone else.

There will be no house for you.

Mm-mm!

I hate you.

(sighs)

(knocking)

Hey.

(sighs)

Can we talk?

Look, Lynly, I...

Look...

Maybe I did, subconsciously, burn Tansy's hair off, but it's only because I saw the two of you on the boat deck the other night, and I knew... you were gonna want her back.

Wow.

So that's what started all this?

Look, Lynly, yes, Tansy and I do have history and that doesn't just go away, but that was nothing, and I'm sorry if you got hurt at all by what you saw.

You warned me from the start that you were damaged goods.

Yes, I did, but...

Guess the fact that I b*rned Tansy's hair off means I'm still kind of damaged myself.

Boy, my parents are gonna be mad.

Well, you know what, you could feel free to just blame it all on me, okay?

Oh, I will.

(chuckles)

Look, for whatever it's worth, Lynly, you really did bring me back to life, and... for that, I will be forever grateful to you.

See?

Maybe I was your Band-Aid after all.

Yeah.

I'll call Lavon from Houston.

Good-bye, George Tucker.

Good-bye, Lynly Hayes.

(door closes)

Should I get him another pen?

Why? He's just gonna use it to stir his scotch.

So, we got... baby-bombed.

Of course, so did he.

Well, I guess we should check on him.

See if he wants another scotch.

(sighs)

How we doing?

I went to Mobile for a recycling convention, and... made a baby.

A baby I'll probably never see or know or...

Well, look, I know that Shelby said she didn't expect you to help in the raising of the baby, but...

It doesn't mean she won't accept it.

Don't suppose y'all know where she is?

(Wade imitates roaring engine, screeching tires)

Hey, dude.

Listen, I-I know you're probably plotting Zoe Hart's demise in that little head of yours... you wouldn't be the first.

But, uh, look, I'm hoping we can be pals one day, and that's not gonna happen unless we have honesty.

So I'm gonna tell you the truth.

I'm the one that lost Cecil.

I should've known.

Harley, look, I'd hate me, too, if I were in your shoes, all right?

I get it. I've been there.

But just so you know, I care a whole lot about your mom.

And because of that, I care a lot about you, too.

And losing Cecil was an accident.

I am... very, very sorry.

But don't waste your time hating Zoe Hart, all right?

She's gonna win you over eventually, and... if you can help it, maybe try not to hate me, either.

Zoe: Hey, guys!

Look who we found in the woods.

(gasps)

Cecil!

Oh...

Thanks, Mom. You're the best.

You're okay, too.

Works for me.

I guess Cecil knew a good ice cream buddy when he found one, right? (Chuckles)

Look, I'm only eight, but I'm not stupid.

This does not even look like Cecil.

What's that?

Huh. Even Cecil Two wants to k*ll you.

Seriously? That one talks, too?

Brick: You are having the Lieutenant Governor's baby?

And you're doing it in Montgomery?

He just came to see me, and he said, once the fog cleared, he realized the only thing to do was to offer to move me to Montgomery and help raise the baby. His baby.

He said, if he didn't do it, he'd be kicking himself the rest of his life.

So that's... that's it, huh?

You just leave, huh?

Please don't be mad at me. (Exhales)

I could never be mad at you.

Not for long.

(chuckles) (chuckles)

You are simply the best, Brick Breeland.

(sighs)

Don't be a stranger, okay?

♪

(exhales)

Lavon: My fellow BlueBellians, well, the irony is, uh, today was... truly historic.

L-Look, all your efforts exceeded my expectations.

I'm... sorry I couldn't bring it home.

So, while the name BlueBell's about to be...

Wiped from maps and GPS's worldwide, ...please know that it will never be...

Mayor Hayes, I've been looking for you.

Lieutenant Governor, I thought you'd be headed back to Montgomery.

I was on my way when I realized...

I never signed those papers to declare BlueBell a historical landmark.

What... You're gonna stop the merger?

Yes, sir.

Annabeth: Well, don't question the man, (laughs) just give him a pen.

Oh, yeah, uh, yeah.

There you go.

Hey, everybody, the merger's off!

(cheering, whooping)

Who cares if Aunt Winifred hates us and will not rent us her stupid house?

Because we get to have no house in BlueBell!

Actually, I've been thinking, and seeing as how this is a day of historical significance, I will cave and...

Live next to Stanley and Crickett.

Really?

Yeah.

Oh, thank you!

You're welcome.

CRICKETT and STANLEY: ♪ See how the Fates their gifts allot! ♪
♪ For A is happy!

♪ B is not!

Termite house it is!

Oh, thank God.

We're renting a house!

No, no, we're not.

Termite house is for rent or for sale.

We're buying the house.

Seriously?

All in.

Great news.

Long live BlueBell.

Hey.

Mmm. I didn't expect to see you tonight.

Now there's two things to celebrate.

Yeah, well, Brando owes me this sleepover with Harley, so... I figured I'd cash in.

You free?

Uh, hey, Wanda?

You're closing tonight.

Yes, ma'am.