03x15 - Ring of Fire

[bunniefuu]

I'm so sorry about Lavon. How are you?

Fine as I can be, given that my heart is crushed and I'm probably gonna die alone and whatnot.

Meet me brothers, Rudy, Rocket, and the scruffy one's Chicken.

I love my brothers, but chaos follows them.

Zoe: "We have your friend.

Ha-ha-ha, the Truitt brothers."

You got my boyfriend kidnapped.

We're looking at a top-to-bottom right here.

Duke said that the remodel is going to take two months!

I'm not leaving just yet.

Joel and I need to get his book sold to Hollywood.

Okay, truth-- I rejoined the Belles.

I'm not dating just Carter, I'm also dating Grandma Bettie's chauffeur.

I believe you have two boyfriends.

And it is amazing.

Lemon, would you care to tell us what's going on here?

I've been seeing both of you.

What are we gonna do? I mean, I can't choose just one of you.

Enrique: You, Limón, are worth it to fight.

May the better man win.

♪

Lemon: My life is all about Carter and Enrique.

Right now I have no time to breathe.

Until you start dating two guys, your time-management skills haven't truly been tested.

You should sew that on a pillow.

A.B., this is a big responsibility.

This decision could impact the rest of my life. - Is it possible you're putting too much pressure on...

Okay, I was born and bred to date a Carter Covington, right?

Okay.

But Enrique, I mean, Enrique is... he's introducing me to all new cultures, to the arts, uh, words I don't understand and probably never will.

Okay, I get it.

I do.

But... in the long run, dating two guys is unsustainable.

You need to have an endgame. I mean, wh-what is the plan?

Well, I mean, the plan is to date... both of them until the universe nudges me in the right direction.

Carter: It should be illegal for two such beautiful women to have breakfast outside.

Oh... aren't you just full of charm.

I was window-shopping, and I saw an item that just spoke your name.

Well, I hope it's not a sidewalk painting, because she's already got one! Ooh.

(Lemon laughs)

♪

LEMON (gasps): Oh, Carter!

(laughs)

Sal: Anyone can buy love.

Enrique here is making art out of nothing.

Delma: Don't hate 'cause he's got money-- Carter here is a romantic.

Sal: Carter's just a rich boy.

It don't take no talent to pull money out of your wallet.

What do you know about talent?

(neighs)

Attention, people of BlueBell, Lavon Hayes has an important announcement.

Annabeth: Yeah, and that is my cue to leave.

Lavon: Only two days left to get your tickets to BlueBell's (horse huffs)

Renaissance Faire.

Two days.

Again with the Renaissance Faire!

I thought he said it was something important.

Lavon: Delma, I know you ain't bought your tickets yet.

Sal? Sal?

Renaissance Faire, come on, man!

All-you-can-eat mutton.

Renaissance fever-- catch it!

Joel: I'm sorry.

I just, I thought you would be happy.

(stammers)

How would this make me happy?!

Well, because I, I got three plumbers for the price of one.

And plus their anecdotes are totally informing my new book.

(cell phone ringing)

Uh, hello? Could you please focus on this?

I'm sorry, Bets keeps e-mailing me from L.A.

It looks like your mom really got the ball rolling.

I got three studios bidding on The Cicada's Lament.

And she thinks it's gonna sell today.

Oh, that is great.

But you know, honey, just don't get your hopes up.

Ah!

I know, I know, I know, you're right.

But I just...

I don't know I got, I got to say even when I was writing it, I really, I really thought that it could be a movie.

Well, yes, so could this.

But they already made it with Larry, Moe and Curly.

Rudy: Can you tell what I had for breakfast?

Sounded like pizza!

That's it!

Is that it?

I got it right?

Why are you on a ladder?

Why do you think?

To get to the pipes for the upstairs bathroom?

Why don't you go upstairs to get to the upstairs bathroom?

You can't go upstairs because pipes are under the floor!

Listen, lady, we don't come down to your doctoring room and tell you how to amputate.

Good one!

(yells)

(shrieks)

That's gonna hurt.

(groans)

We need to talk about tomorrow.

Don't worry about a thing, all right?

I understand the importance of a three month anniversary and as such, I have secured a yacht, and a captain, for a moonlight cruise of Mobile Bay.

Okay, so that sounds like the best possible three month anniversary ever.

And I can't believe I have to postpone.

Seriously?

Yeah, my entire roster of babysitters bailed.

I don't know what the deal is.

Look, I got two words for you.

Rose Hattenbarger.

Is that a made-up person?

No!

No, she's like a certified, professional, five-star babysitter.

I know because she's been leaving her flyer up on my bulletin board since she was, like, ten years old.

Go ahead, look.

Okay.

I'm serious.

All right.

Listen, bucko, your reign of terror-- it ends now, okay?

Tomorrow night you're gonna be an absolute angel.

You understand me?

What if I'm not?

All right, well, your pupils aren't dilated.

No bruising.

I want you to close your eyes and tell me the months of the year backwards-- start with December.

R-E...

December, November...

He couldn't do that before he fell off the ladder.

Nobody can.

If that's the test for a concussion, I'm pretty sure we've all got concussions.

Does it start with the letter "M"?

Your brother's gonna be just fine.

Hey, you hear that, Chicken?

You gonna live.

Forever?

Why don't you get some rest?

And try to avoid any additional trauma to the head the next couple of days.

Okay?

All right, you got it.

Ow! (shrieks)

Geez!

Son of a biscuit!

Joel!

I'm just kidding!

That was my hand!

That was my hand.

Oh!

We'll see you later.

Joelle!

Oh, God, thank you.

Uh, Zo... Zoe?

Um, so I just got off the phone with Bets.

It's done.

Warner Bros. bought my book for six figures!

Get out of here!

(laughing): I know!

That's awesome! Holy crap!

I heard you talking-- congratulations.

Also, what time y'all want us back?

At your house?

To finish plumbing?

I think we're good for now.

We don't.

Lavon: N-No, no, no!

BlueBell loves town events.

Yes, we do.

But I think we're suffering from festival fatigue here.

I mean, besides Lemon's multiple welcome home parties, we've had, let's see, Jazz Fest.

We had Fusion Fest.

We had Sandwich Fest.

Uh, uh, Alabama's largest BLT.

Pickle Fest.

Okay, fine, you...

Maybe I've been feeling an abundance of town spirit.

Or a desire to distract yourself from your breakup.

Okay, okay, fine.

You got to help me with this Renaissance Faire.

Look, I am on the hook for costumes, animals, food, booze, musicians.

Renaissance-style Porta Pottis.

All nonrefundable.

Okay, you know what you need?

You need a-a headliner.

You need a big-ticket item.

You know, like King Arthur riding on a dragon.

Or Van Halen in Renaissance garb.

You know? You want to sell tickets?

You give BlueBell something to focus on other than deciding who's the better boyfriend for Lemon.

George, that's it.

(taps desk, laughs)

Yeah.

Morning, A.B.

You got a minute?

Um... sure.

What's up?

Renaissance Faire kicks off tomorrow.

And, um, I'm-I'm having a little trouble selling tickets.

And I-I was wondering maybe if, uh, you could do me a favor?

Uh, what kind of a favor?

Now, I'm still missing the main event.

Now, my idea is to have, uh, Lemon's suitors, Enrique and-and Carter, stage a duel for her hand in front of the town.

Like knights.

I see.

And I-I was hoping maybe you could talk to her?

Just to recap.

After everything we've been through, you want me to convince Lemon to have her two boyfriends compete for her affection in a public arena to benefit your festival?

Yeah, I'll get right on that.

Uh-huh.

(Zoe shrieks) Oh!

Ha! To The Cicada's Lament... the movie.

Yeah, I got to tell you.

It is mind-blowing.

But the whole time I was writing, I-I-I kept thinking of Ben Stiller or John Cusack as Chuck.

(gasps)

What about Channing Tatum?

Eh.

But I mean, you know, Channing Tatum might do it.

And I can hang out with him, meet him and stuff, you know?

Zoe?

What? I'm a little obsessed with Channing Tatum.

(knocking) (laughs)

Oh.

Joel Stephens and Zoe Hart?

Uh, present and accounted for.

You are being sued by one Lawrence Chicken Truitt for negligence leading to pain and suffering.

I'm sorry, what?

Come again?

You've been served.

(car horn honks)

(seagulls calling)

(birds singing)

I can't believe the Truitt brothers are suing us!

After everything I did for them.

Yeah, hiring them for a job they're unqualified for.

And then not f*ring them when your girlfriend told you to.

I am serious, they could clean us out, Zoe.

Listen, this lawsuit?

It-it's a load of crap.

George'll get it thrown out.

George Tucker? He's gonna be our lawyer?

Mm-hmm.

Why?

Well, George is... He's great.

But don't you think there's just a teensy chance he's not at the top of his game right now?

He just broke up with Tansy.

And what happened last time George went through a romantic debacle?

Nothing.

You said he barricaded himself in a cheap motel, stopped speaking, stopped shaving, ate pizza and watched Don Todd's Golf Safari 24 hours a day.

Yeah, right. He did that.

Look, I... You know, maybe... maybe I can talk to the Truitts myself without any lawyers.

You know, we're kind of pals.

Maybe see if we can settle this whole thing with a conversation.

No, no, you will not talk to the Truitts.

That's how we got into this whole mess to begin with.

George will make this whole thing go away, trust me.

Okay.

Sure.

What do you mean you're passing?

I'm offering you a paid gig here.

I went on the babysitting blogs, and I read all about this kid.

The babysitting blogs?

Yeah, there's blogs for everything.

One of the commenters said that Harley gave her the choice between being locked in the bathroom or locked in the basement.

I remember.

She chose bathroom at least.

Smart choice.

Why would I want to do this?

Three reasons, all right?

One, you are a superior babysitter.

Two, you like a challenge.

And three, you're my only option, so I'll pay you through the nose.

Oh, hey, Joel.

Why is he wearing a neck brace?

Can't hold his head up without it.

Doctor said it might just fall off.

Mm.

And which doctor was that?

That's... confidential.

What do you want, Joelle?

Well, guys, you know... (laughs)

I was just hoping that we could... we could settle this ourselves.

You know, because we've been friends a long time.

Since you guys kidnapped me.

Right?

I still have that picture of us.

Right, and as friends, you know, I just hope that we could agree that this lawsuit is-is a little...

It's a... it's a little silly.

(laughs) You know, I mean, it's-it's clear that Chicken didn't actually hurt himself.

And the only reason you are suing me is because you heard that my book sold.

That is outrageous.

I've never been more offended in my life.

Really? Never?

All right, you know what.

Let me ask you this.

How did you arrive at this number?

Because, I mean, six figures is...

(whistles) I mean, it's a lot.

Because of pain and suffering.

But mostly, lost earnings.

I'm sorry. Lost earnings?

That's right.

Chicken's always coming up with brilliant ideas.

Prescription windshields-- his.

Mayonnaise that never expires-- his.

We and our lawyer believe he was one brainstorm away from a genius, million-dollar idea when he tragically fell off a ladder at your negligent house.

Now, he'll never have that idea.

Okay, that's insane.

Um, Chicken, let me ask you this.

What is the bottom line for you?

What is it gonna take to make this go away?

Don't talk to him.

I don't know. 50 bucks?

50 bucks. Good.

No, he didn't mean that.

And a date with that pretty receptionist, Annabelle.

AnnaBeth.

AnnaBeth. Yes, that's the one.

50 bucks, and a date with AnnaBeth.

Okay.

Rocket, give him the mouth hand.

That... that is just the brain damage talking.

All right, the price is six figures, nothing less.

Now, get out of here before we give you a concussion.

Bye, Joel.

Picture it, Lemon.

Your two suitors battling it out for the queen's hand. Chills.

Well, I like the part about me being queen.

But the rest of it-- no.

Well, it'll help you choose.

I mean, the winner will escort you to the Renaissance Party and have exclusive dating rights.

'Cause that's how it worked back then.

I think.

It is silly and undignified.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have outfits to test drive, and I need to hydrate and carbo boost, because I have multiple dates to prepare for.

(sighs)

Okay.

Hmm.

Huh.

You can share with me.

Oh, uh, I mean, you-you have a great smile, and I'm... I'm sure you're all types of awesome, but I'm not really looking for any romantic entanglements right now, so...

Wow. I was really just offering for you to share my table, not my life.

Zoe: Hey, George, over here.

Um... I... uh...

Hi.

Hi. Thank you for meeting me on such short notice.

Did you get a copy of the lawsuit?

Yes. It's a nuisance suit.

I can get it tossed in, like, ten seconds.

That's what I keep telling Joel.

Yeah, tell him not to worry at all. I mean, it's the Truitt brothers, for God sake.

I don't know who's representing them, but all I have to do is show up wearing pants in court, and we win.

(laughs) Sorry. I couldn't help but overhear.

You're George Tucker?

I... (laughs)

I didn't realize when we had met earlier.

I'm Connie Vincent, Chicken Truitt's attorney, and I have to say, I did not expect opposipo counsel to be so presumptuous and insulting.

Uh, George, there were insults?

No.

I look forward to seeing you in court tomorrow and teaching you a thing or two about humility.

Try not to forget your pants.

Don't worry.

I'll-I'll fix this.

Well, you better.

(birds singing)

To another perfect day in BlueBell.

With the most perfect woman in town.

(giggles)

The most perfect creature in the universe.

Oh.

In the galaxy... which is actually bigger than the universe.

Oh.

Enrique: He said that?

I'm not sure that's true.

The pan-seared tuna with a hint of rosemary, a whiff a cumin.

(giggles)

Enrique: Espinaca con garbanzos.

Oh, tortilla de patatas.

Oh, come on. Now you're just making Spanish words up.

(giggles)

(whispers): Order more.

Carter: So I had a thought.

How about you and I spend the summer in my family's beach home in Dauphin Island?

That would be perfect.

Enrique: Sí.

I take you to Majorca, we watch the wild horses run.

You feel their power in your very soul.

We sleep under the stars.

Oh.

Well, I mean, that would be... that would be perfect.

Another drink?

Why not? (laughs)

Aperitif?

Oh. Mais oui.

Night cap?

Down the hatch.

Mm.

Well, thank you for dinner, Enrique.

It's Carter.

Oh. (laughs)

I had a lovely time, Carter.

Mi nombre es Enrique.

Yes.

Sweet dreams to you, too.

(sighs, thudding)

Well, the good news is, you are not pregnant.

Well, of course I'm not.

Prenatal fainting is not a Breeland trait.

Your blood test looks good, mono-spot's negative.

My best guess would be you're exhausted.

(laughs) I'm fine.

Lemon, you fainted.

That is a wake-up call from your body.

Step off the social merry-go-round.

Go on a boy cleanse.

You go on a boy cleanse.

Sorry. That was both uncalled-for and too easy.

It's just... are there any other alternatives?

Yes. Buy a helmet and keep fainting all over town.

Hmm.

Lemon: Well, it seems like the medical establishment agrees with you.

I don't have what it takes to date two people at once.

Sweetie, you're, like, on an episode of The Bachelorette.

That never, ever ends.

Okay, I have to make a choice.

So I've made two lists: reasons to date Carter, and reasons to date Enrique.

Excellent!

And...?

It's a tie.

256 reasons each.

Lemon...

Listen, I just don't want to make the wrong choice, AnnaBeth.

I have done that too many times before.

I just...

I want the universe to decide this one for me.

Well, we're just gonna have to... goose the universe a little bit.

Take Lavon up on his offer.

Let your two boyfriends duel.

You date the winner.

(goat bleats)

How much are you getting paid to babysit me?

Who says I'm getting paid?

Maybe I'm just doing it for the love of the job.

(lamb bleats)

They're paying me a lot.

(cattle bellowing)

(bellows)

Take a picture, it'll last longer.

Hey, hey, uh, I don't suppose your animals do any tricks?

What's that?

I mean, you wouldn't happen to have, you know, a horse that counts or a sheep that juggles?

I mean, anything to sell tickets.

Juggling sheep, huh?

See that little goat over there?

(goat bleats)

He does a pretty neat trick.

Week from Tuesday, he's gonna turn into stew (laughing): and a half-dozen filets.

(laughing)

(goat bleats)

Goat stew?

(bleats)

(phone ringing)

Lemon?

Okay, Lavon.

(sighs)

Let's do it.

Carter and Enrique can fight tomorrow.

Winner gets me.

Oh, oh, oh, thank you, Lemon.

(laughs)

You're saving my festival!

(laughs) Bye.

Wake up, Duane.

We got tickets to sell, man!

(laughs)

Oh!

Hey.

Uh, thanks for meeting me here.

Oh, no, thank you for allowing me the opportunity to remove my foot from my mouth.

(both chuckling)

Well, I'm glad that you called.

You know, I figure we both want a fair trial.

Might as well do it over some drinks and music.

Plus, I was here the other night and you are gonna love this act.

Oh. Great.

Great. And then afterwards, you and I can talk about how your lawsuit doesn't really stand a chance.

Ooh, someone's feeling confident.

A little.

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage Here we go, show's starting.

Miss Lily Anne Lonergan.

(applause)

It's Lily Anne Lonergan.

I... I'm friends with her.

Actually, I...

I sang with her.

Huh.

Yeah.

You don't say.

Lily Anne: Thank you, BlueBell.

Those of you here last night heard my new set, inspired by summer on the road touring with a guy from around here.

I think she's talking about me.

(laughs)

A down-and-out lawyer turned country crooner who is maybe the saddest, most unfortunate soul I have ever met.

(audience laughs)

This first song's called "Unlucky Tucky."

Huh!

I think it is you.

♪ You're sad and you're lonely ♪
♪ In your law-talking shoes ♪
♪ No job and no sweetheart ♪
♪ 'Cause all you do is lose ♪
♪ Unlucky Tucky ♪
♪ Why do you feel so blue? ♪
♪ Are you tired of being you? ♪
♪ You keep takin' it on the chin... ♪

So...

Mmm?

...just so I have this straight, you heard this last night and you thought I might enjoy it?

Will it throw you off if I refer to you as "Unlucky Tucky" in court tomorrow?

(chuckles)

That is a low blow, counselor.

That is a low, low, low, low blow.

Yeah.

Like low... like real low?

I'll see you in court.

♪ Unlucky Tucky ♪
♪ You're unlucky, Tucky. ♪

I'm sure Rose can handle Harley.

Look, it's a piece of cake, all right?

They're watching the festival get set up, they have the bounce house to themselves.

Harley does love a bounce house.

And when they get hungry, there's pizza and snacks back over at my place, all right?

They'll be fine.

Now, speaking of refreshments...

(clears throat)

...which wine do you like to go with your sailing?

Red or white?

One of each.

Ooh.

I want to enlist in your navy.

All right, let's hit it.

(phone ringing)

Already?

Hey, Rose, there better be fire trucks on their way to my house right now.

No fire but it's definitely an emergency.

You have to come home.

This guy was being really mean to his goat.

He says he was gonna k*ll it and eat it.

Maybe not even in that order.

Rose: It really felt like we had (goat bleats) no choice. We had to liberate the goat.

Look at that face.

(stammers) What do you want us to do with it?

Can we take him home, Mom?

Oh. You know what? Our neighborhood has a strict no-goat policy.

But what's gonna happen?

He can't get eaten.

Well...

Oh, yeah. Well, um, I'll guess I'll take care of it.

Come here, little guy.

All right.

See?

Harley: What are you gonna do with him?

Oh, there's farm animal sanctuaries.

Like a no-k*ll farm where animals can run free.

Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, I'll take him to one of those.

You know, it'll be like a... little goat spa.

(chuckling): It'll be-be great.

You know, get a small Korean man to give him a scrub and a...

Okay. All right.

I'm gonna get this little guy home.

That's a little too much excitement for one day.

Okay.

Hey, um, I'm sorry about tonight.

I was really looking forward to it.

It's all right.

You know what next week is?

Our three month and one week anniversary.

(sighs)

You do realize you're not getting paid, hmm?

(goat bleats, Wade speaks indistinctly)

Chicken will drop the lawsuit for 50 bucks and one date with AnnaBeth.

We can talk her into one date.

A.B. is our friend.

We are not doing that to her.

It's offensive.

It's not offens...

What are you talking about?

You do stuff like this all the time.

This is a typical BlueBell escapade. I'm telling you, on the scale of hijinks, this is barely a three.

A.B. is still getting over a breakup, okay?

She's not in a good place.

We are not setting her up with Chicken. And I told you not to talk to the Truitts.

Yes, but I did anyway and, guess what, I found a solution.

Pimping out A.B.?

It's not...

Look, George Tucker is handling this as we speak.

Would you just trust him?

Oh, my God, you guys should have been at Fancie's.

Lily Anne Lonergan sang the most amazing set, and get this... all about George Tucker.

What?

George was at Fancie's.

Oh, he left after the first song.

I think he may have been a little bothered by it.

Or maybe he's finally getting seasick from living on that boat.

He checked into the Shamrock Motel.

Oh! Hot mulled wine.

Shamrock Motel?

So... new plan.

Why don't we set AnnaBeth up with Chicken?

You think?

You'd be doing what you're doing anyways-- fighting over me-- but in suits of armor, in front of the whole town.

I mean, it makes sense, right?

Yes, but what makes more sense is if...

If you just decide.

You know, think about it.

Tell us who you'd prefer.

Listen, I have already pondered myself into a dead faint.

I'm fine now, but clearly this decision is bigger than me.

Well, I did do some stage fighting at university.

And my uncle was a matador, so I have smelled death up close.

This should be tamer than that.

Classic dueling rules apply.

The first man to lose his w*apon is out.

The winner gets to escort me to the Renaissance Party, and secures exclusive dating rights, as that's how things were done back then.

I'm not sure that's 100% accurate.

Please.

I see no other way.

Why, sí.

Santiago y cierra!

A duel it is!

No, no, BlueBell's not that kind of town.

We have very little crime here.

Okay, look, you have my word as mayor that I will make this right.

All right?

We will find your goat.

(goat bleats)

(bleats)

Hey, let me call you right back.

Wade?

Yeah?

Return the damn goat.

Will do.

Why'd you do that to me?

Guys, I'm having second thoughts about this.

What?

No, no second thoughts.

Chicken's gonna be here any minute.

Yeah, but he's still gonna be Chicken.

Zoe: Look-look at it this way.

You know?

We all kiss a lot of frogs on our way to finding Prince Charming.

But, you know...

Okay, fine, quit selling.

(sighs)

Because you are my friends, I will do this.

Now go.

I need to mentally prepare myself for this.

Thank you.

Thank you.

What do you think you're doing?

Waiting for a man named Chicken: the AnnaBeth Nass story.

Carter Covington?

Meatball.

(laughs)

I'm a big fan.

Any chance I could get an autograph?

Sure.

You're fighting Enrique Corona today.

Man, have you got guts.

You know it's just for show, right?

What?

Oh, yeah, sure.

But they did tell you about Enrique, right?

What am I saying?

Of course they did.

(laughs)

Told me what?

Oh, you know.

How he k*lled three men in Renaissance duels in Europe.

Ah, the third guy he didn't k*ll, but a life without both arms?

What kind of life is that, am I right?

Hey, good luck today.

Knock 'em dead.

(indistinct chatter, music playing)

Oh, this is amazing.

The big duel's gonna sell out and get you your perfect boyfriend.

(laughs)

This is a good day, Lemon.

Yeah...

What's wrong?

Lavon, I have no idea who I'm rooting for.

If I end up with Carter, does that mean that I'm just limiting myself to the safe and the comfortable?

Drawing the boundaries of Lemon Breeland in permanent ink?

Well, the winner could be Enrique.

He-he's full of surprises.

Sure, I mean, Enrique is one adventure after another.

But what happens when the novelty wears off and we're left with no common ground?

Then we're like a... like a tiger and an Indian boy in a very small boat.

Yeah, I didn't get that movie either.

Look, the good news is... it's up to the universe now.

(laughs)

Oh! Oh, come on.

The opening act's about to start.

Zoe: A.B.?

Uh... the date's over already?

How'd it go?

It didn't.

What do you mean?

I mean he never showed.

What? Well, that doesn't make any sense.

So... for those of you following at home, not only do I have no love in my life, I just got stood up by Chicken Truitt.

Best Renaissance Faire ever.

Oh, poor AnnaBeth.

Yeah.

Poor AnnaBeth.

Poor us.

Plan "B" didn't work.

We're supposed to be in court.

Still radio silence from George?

I'm working on a Plan "C."

Okay, good.

Good.

As long as it doesn't involve you passing yourself off as a lawyer because you've seen Legally Blonde six times.

Oh, come on, seriously?

That was it?

It's a really good movie.

We're screwed.

(cheering)

Dash: Ladies and gentlemen, we are halfway through our opening duel, and Sir Tom Long is really taking a b*ating from Sir Maliska.

Tom, d... No!

Dash: Y'all, this truly could be a day to dismember!

(groans)

Sorry we're late.

Yeah, we went past the petting zoo and...

Laszlo was in there!

My goat.

He named him.

You promised you'd bring Laszlo to a no-k*ll goat spa.

But you gave him back.

Look, Harley, I had no choice, all right?

Lavon got a call from the guy.

You stole his goat, buddy.

Now he's gonna turn him into stew!

And eat him!

(sighs)

Mmm...

Okay. Hey.

Harley... let's go see a guy about a goat, huh?

All right.

(cheering)

(grunts)

(crowd exclaims)

You win, you win.

I'm...

(cheering)

Ladies and gentlemen, we have come to the end of our opening duel.

But please, don't go anywhere, because we have our main event coming up.

The Hella in BlueBella.

Sir Carter versus Sir Enrique and they'll be dueling for the lovely heart of Queen Lemon.

Enrique Corona, right?

Yes?

Meatball.

Big fan.

Any chance I can get an autograph?

I remind you that the winner of this duel will be escorting Queen Lemon to the Renaissance Party tonight.

(crowd cheering)

Now, Sir Carter, Sir Enrique, please enter the ring!

(drumroll)

Uh, knights, again... please enter the ring!

(drumroll, crowd cheering)

What's happening?

Where are they?

Uh, trouble putting on their armor, maybe?

Sir Carter! Sir Enrique!

I command that you enter the ring!

(drumroll)

Is anybody gonna fight for the hand of Queen Lemon?

(crowd murmuring) This is getting embarrassing.

I will fight for Queen Lemon!

Oh, thank God.

(crowd cheers)

Well, speak your name, knight.

You can call me...

...Sir Meatball.

(gasps)

Oh, no.

Oh, no-no-no-no.

This isn't happening.

Your Royal Highness, it looks like I'm flying solo.

Doth that not mean I win by default?

(all laugh)

Lavon, you better fix this, or I swear to God, heads will roll.

Doth it?

Hey, check out Laszlo.

He's happy as a clam.

Man: Hey, hey, goatburger, that's my magazine you're chewing up.

Give me that, dummy!

You're going to be one sorry shish kebab.

Shish kebab! Ah!

(Laszlo bleats)

Maybe, uh... maybe, let's go.

(Laszlo bleats)

I've reviewed the complaint.

Have we reached a settlement?

Oh, we tried, Your Honor, but as opposing counsel couldn't even bother to attend this hearing, we move for a directed verdict in our favor.

Wait!

Your Honor, as famous attorney Elle Woods once said...

Elle Woods?

Legally Blonde?

Sit down.

Now I am inclined to rule for the plaintiff.

Has anybody heard from...?

George Tucker for the defense, Your Honor.

Nice of you to join us.

Does Unlucky Tucky need a new watch?

I do apologize to the court for my tardiness.

However, I am about to save you a whole lot of time.

The complaint in front of you is nothing more than a glorified nuisance suit, Your Honor, which is the legal equivalent of hawking a loogie on the sidewalk of justice.

The loogie defense? Nice.

Objection, Your Honor.

Despite his colorful imagery, Mr. Tucker calling this a nuisance suit does not actually make it a nuisance suit.

True. But what does make it a nuisance suit is a complete and total lack of evidence on the plaintiff's part.

I have here three medical reports refuting Chicken Truitt's injuries.

Did you really think I would miss those?

As well as precedents established by Pearson v. Chung, Maxey v. Jefferson County, and Mahoney v. Loma Alta... an opinion you yourself wrote, Your Honor.

And let us not forget the basic rules of fair play as taught to us by our mamas.

Your Honor, I move for a brief recess so we can have some time to review this new evidence.

Okay. Well, legally speaking, this is what the court refers to as a no-brainer.

Case dismissed.

Zoe: Yeah! Dude, I don't want to tell you I told you so, but...

Well, you just did.

Hey, counselor, Unlucky Tucky just kicked your ass.

Ah.

I have reviewed the official rules, and in the absence of an opponent, I now declare Sir Meatball the victor.

(cheering)

Lavon: Not so fast.

(all gasp)

(sword rings)

I, Sir Lavon Hayes...

Oh, oh, sorry, sorry.

Sir Mayor Lavon Hayes challenge Sir Meatball for the hand of Queen Lemon.

(applause, cheering)

Seems we got a fight.

Sir Meatball accepts the challenge.

(drumroll)

(crowd gasping)

Sir Meatball concedes defeat.

(cheering)

I now declare Sir Lavon Hayes to be the victor.

And he has won the hand and the heart of Queen Lemon.

And he will be escorting her to the Renaissance Party tonight.

Huzzah!

All: Huzzah!

Huzzah!

All: Huzzah!

Huzzah!

All: Huzzah!

Oh! Oh, please, could somebody please help me?

I'm very dizzy! Oh!

Oh. Here-here you go, young lady.

Take my stool.

Oh, I think I need to sit, yeah.

Ooh, so thirsty.

Oh, easy does it.

Vivian: I think I just got overwhelmed.

You know, by the the vapors, I think.

The vapors?

Oh, I thought we'd eradicated them.

Whoo!

Deep breaths.

(hushed) Go, go, go, go, go.

♪ My mama said ♪
♪ "Be careful where you lay your head" ♪

We really can't thank you enough.

No, no, any time.

It was truly my pleasure.

Although, I do have to ask, was it just my imagination, or were you guys losing confidence in me a little bit?

Well, I mean, you did cut it a little close.

And we weren't sure you were gonna make it.

That is the power of a dramatic entrance, my friend.

That's trial strategy 101.

Well, you have been a little broken up over Tansy.

And the last time you were broken up over Tansy...

I know, I know.

You heard I melted into a puddle of despair, pizza and tears.

No one said tears.

Well, guess what?

That was then.

George Tucker, capable of tremendous personal growth. Boom.

Well, you know, it's just that you checked into the Shamrock Motel, and I knocked, and you didn't let me in.

I checked into the Shamrock Motel 'cause the plumbing on my boat is out and my office has mold.

And I probably didn't hear you 'cause I had headphones on.

I like to listen to '90s R&B when I'm prepping for a trial.

Come on, guys.

Show a little faith.

Show a little faith.

Show a little...

That's what I said.

That's what I told her.

Liar!

Liar.

I did!

Liar!

♪ "Where you lay your head" ♪

(hushed): Hey, Tom, Wanda, I need to talk to you for a sec.

You have to speak up.

Tom's hearing's still bad from getting thumped by that other knight.

How would you two like to raise a baby goat?

No questions asked?

...

(bleats)

Oh, sweetie.

Can I touch it?!

Well, boys, it was, uh, brave of you to show your faces here.

It almost makes up for your absence in the ring today.

Almost, but you know, not quite.

I am sorry about that.

Many apologies.

I thought Enrique here was gonna chop me limb from limb.

Sí. The Meatball said Carter would eat my heart.

Well, you know what? I think that it's-it's probably for the best.

I think it's time that we said our good-byes.

You couldn't decide?

No, this is my decision.

Carter, my daddy's gonna miss you, so just drop him a line every now and then.

And, Enrique, I'm so sorry that you lost your job with my grandma.

A door shuts, and a window opens.

I've secured a new job.

Driving Mr. Carter Covington.

Well, tha-that's delightful and a little strange, but, uh, have safe travels.

Uh, ciao.

Farewell.

♪ It's a winding path ♪
♪ Between the highway and the coast ♪
♪ Where we lost what mattered most ♪
♪ It dissipated in the sun... ♪

May we have the king and queen, please?

It is time for the royal dance.

(applause)

(chuckles)

Uh, well, someone looks relieved.

Ugh, Lavon, I've never been so happy to be single.

You know why I couldn't pick?

'Cause neither one was the one?

Exactly.

Oh.

Not on their own, but together, together they were perfect.

If only I could put 'em in a blender and make a boyfriend smoothie.

Wow. I am so grateful that technology does not yet exist.

(chuckles)

You keep looking, Lemon.

You're gonna find your smoothie.

So will you.

Um... why don't we split up and go mingle?

Uh, yeah, you took the words right out of my mouth, Your Highness.

Beg pardon, m'lady.

Would it be all right if I bought the most beautiful maiden in here a drink?

I don't know. Who are you?

Your knight in shining armor.

Meatball?

Okay, no Meatball.

Chicken?

Okay, knight in shining armor, one drink.

Uh! You know what? Let's, uh, keep the helmet on.

Try not to ruin the mystery until we have to.

Bye.

Hey!

The lawsuit went away!

Your book is gonna be a movie!

I told you it would work out.

Stick with me, kid.

You should use that line in your screenplay.

Joel, what's the matter?

Well, I just got off the phone with Bets.

And?

And I have to go to Los Angeles.

What? When?

Yeah.

The studio wants me out there as soon as possible, uh, start work on the script, meet everybody.

Well, how long are you gonna be gone?

They said... six months.

What?

Come here.