03x04 - Bonnie's Unreal Estate

[bunniefuu]

So remember, we're done apologizing to Riley.

If she want take us back simply because I had sex with her mother, then that's her problem.

We are so done with the "I'm sorry"s.

Knock-knock.

Riley, I'm sorry!

Stop judging me.

I've just came back to drop this briefcase off for your mom, she wants to borrow for something, but let's be honest, I'll never see it again.

Shacka-lacka, huh?

Fresh off the presses. Bonnie Wheeler, real estate associate.

Hot properties from a hot property.

That slogan's just temporary, right?

No, I have found my true calling.

Brad talked me up with his boss, and they're gonna take me on.

Mrs. Wheeler, are you sure it's a good idea to work under someone you're dating?

Oh, I don't work under Brad... at the office.

No, my boss is a woman.

Which means I don't have to sleep my way to the top.

Huh. I wonder how you do get to the top.

Mom, this is your third true calling in a year.

At this point, just let those calls go to voicemail.

Wow, way to support the women in your life, Ben.

Thanks, Riley.

So you'll come to my first open house today?

Oh, god, no. I actually have a real career.

Okay.

The firm has put me on a very important case. Yeah.

We are representing Reverend Stockwell.

Oh my god, that big Sunday morning TV preacher?

The guy who ripped off his entire congregation?

Yeah, yeah, he's guilty as sin.

Allegedly.

So, Benji, about my open house...

I'm not stealing wine and cheese from the bar again.

Oh, come on. That was for the church potluck.

Mom, when you stay at a career longer than it takes for a banana to ripen, then I'll help you out.

Well, I would like to thank you for once again proving to me that you are nothing but an ungrateful, unsupportive son.

Okay, but you know what? That's okay.

Because I don't need your help.

I am a professional woman who can stand on her own two feet, okay? Yeah.

Oh, god... oh!

[theme music playing]

♪ It's amazing how the unexpected ♪
♪ can take your life and change direction. ♪

3x04 - "Bonnie's Unreal Estate"

Ben: Unsupportive? [laughs]

Nothing says supportive like six bottles of half drunk wine, and some almost perfectly good shrimp.

Thanks to me, your grandma's gonna get this place rented in no time.

I cannot wait to see the look on her face.

All right, let's go.

All right.

And... done!

[laughs]

20, 40, 60.

[chuckles] Loser.

Hey, what are you ready to suck at next?

Excuse me, but I believe we're tied.

Beer chugging, me. Basketball, me.

Miniature golf, you.

For obvious reasons.

[chuckles] All right, no. We need a tiebreaker.

Oh, how about women?

Oh, hell to the no!

No, uh-uh. No, no.

I am not going up against "hey, I'm Danny Wheeler, New York Ranger.

Mind if I take my shirt off?"

Fine. What about no women?

No hitting on, hustling, or hooking up.

That's an interesting challenge.

All about self-control. Something I have in buckets.

All right, what's the wager?

Well, this is a tough one, so I feel the reward should be substantial.

As big as that word is for you?

Bigger. Whoever caves first pays the other's bar tab.

Oh, you are on.

Nobody is better at not getting women than me.

[chuckles]

Is this a bar?

I've never been allowed in one of these before.

Oh, well then, I wouldn't call it a bar.

Especially to your father, the reverend.

Uh, let's go with "eating establishment,"

With lots of liquor.

Um, would you like something to drink?

Oh, I don't drink. Liquor is just liquid Satan.

[laughs] Right.

Oh, god, you're serious.

Yeah, me neither, me neither.

So why don't you have a seat and try not to talk to any unsavory characters.

Okay? There you go.

Hey, I'm Ben.

Any friend of Riley's is a friend of mine.

Ben, Piper, Piper, Ben.

And just so you know, this is an unsavory character.

Excuse me. All right.

Oh my gosh, you guys, you're not gonna believe it.

Huge honor.

I have been entrusted to guard the reverend's daughter.

Yeah, the firm is depending on me to keep her away from the press until Monday, because they are just obsessed with this case, and any story that they can get on Piper.

So you're baby-sitting?

Yeah, pretty much.

Yeah, well just keep that tucker-sized temptress away from us.

We just swore off women.

Well, on behalf of my gender, thank you.

But you know, I don't think it's gonna be a problem because I'm pretty sure she's sworn off men.

You might want to go tell Ben.

What? No. No no no.

No no no. Piper, Piper!

No no no no. There is alcohol in this.

I did not ask for a "sin and tonic."

What is wrong with you?

[gasps]

I'm not paying for that.

Bonnie: Oh my god, Ben, you are never gonna believe what happened yesterday.

Your open house was a huge success and you rented your first listing?

Or some idiot left a candle burning and lit the apartment up like a torch.

Do they know who did it?

Not a clue.

Oh, that's a relief.

I mean, I hate to think that they thought you were responsible.

They don't, do they?

Oh, god, no.

Thank goodness my boss is a woman.

When it comes to the work force, we women stick together.

Unless we're wearing the same outfit. And then I'll cut a bitch.

We're meeting for lunch. Oh. There she is.

All right, I'm gonna go freshen up. Offer her a drink... on me.

And by on me, you know... [clicks teeth]

No, I got it, yeah.

Hey, can I get you something to drink?

You can get me a lot of things.

But the drink will have to do for now. And nothing too strong.

I like to keep my wits about me when I fire someone.

[stammers]

You're gonna fire someone?

Yeah, tall blonde. Goes by Bonnie.

Though that stupid boy toy of hers insists on calling her Bon-bon, to which I say Barf-barf.

Why, you know her?

Yeah, and I call her Mom-mom.

Look, I only took her on to make Brad happy.

Which is ironic 'cause I only took Brad on to make me happy.

Just give her a second chance, please.

Ooh-ooh! I know. How about you give her another listing?

And if she can't rent it, you're completely justified in letting her go.

I like the sound of that.

What, giving her a listing?

No, being justified in letting her go.

She's got till Monday. Setting her up to be fired.

Thanks for the idea.

Yeah, don't mention it.

No, but seriously, can you please not mention it?

All right, this apartment is a neutral zone.

There will be no women allowed in here until further notice.

Oh my god, I need you to watch Piper!

Yeah. She lost her wallet somewhere between my house and the bar. And I can't be walking her all over the city, because the media follows her everywhere.

So I will just... I'll be back as soon as I can, okay?

Thank you thank you thank you.

Don't worry. I'm sure Riley will find your wallet.

Something tells me that she won't. Oops.

Should I call Riley?

Why don't you call me a cab so I can get out of here?

I think that's the exact opposite of what she wanted us to do.

Fine. [chuckles]

Then here's how it's gonna go down.

You go pour me a drink, you shuffle the cards, and... we're gonna play a little game.

Bonnie: Holy crap! It's beautiful.

I will be able to rent this place in no time.

How about we say Monday?

It's always good to have a goal.

Two bedrooms, eat-in kitchen.

Oh. [gasps]

And a view of the cutest little church in the world.

I won't need any help with this one.

[church bell tolls loudly]

Oh my god! What the f... ?!

[snoring]

[doors open loudly]

All in!

What the hell is wrong with you two?!

I'm gone for like two seconds and you try to talk this poor girl into tequila sh*ts and strip poker?

It's a miracle I ran into her on the street.

Yeah, it was something.

Well, hey! The poker and tequila were her idea!

Really? You expect me to believe that this sweet, innocent young woman drank you both under the table, took your pants, and ran off?

Why not? It's happened before!

Okay, Piper, just get your stuff and we're...

[cellphone buzzes]

It's my doorman.

Hello? Hi, yeah.

What? You're kidding me.

No, no no no, it's fine.

Okay, thank you. [groans]

Well, there are a dozen photographers outside my building.

Somebody tipped them off.

Gosh, oh gum.

Now who would do that?

What do we do now?

Well, no one knows I'm here, and I'm sure that the boys have learned their lesson.

[mouths words]

So, why don't you just sign the lease and I'll fill in the rest?

Three, two.

[church bell tolls]

[sighs]

Ohh!

Gosh, I just... I don't understand why Carol would stick me with such a dog of a listing.

Oh, wait a minute. I know what's going on here?

You do?

Yeah.

A little rookie hazing.

Oh, man, that Carol! What a jokester.

Oh, man. I just love her.

Mom, Carol said that if you don't rent this apartment she's gonna fire you.

That backstabbing whore! I hate her!

What, is it because of the fire?

No, it's not because of the fire. Remember that.

The problem is you and Brad. She's jealous.

Really? I love having a boyfriend that pisses off other women.

Yes, that would be the positive spin on all this.

But if you don't rent this apartment, you're gonna lose your job.

Yeah, well, unless the next person that walks through that door has a hump and a second home in Notre Dame, I don't feel very optimistic!

Do you have any fives?

Go fish.

Isn't this fun?

So much.

But I'm feeling really guilty about making you stay in, so if you want to go out, I won't tell.

I mean, you must have a ton of guys after you.

Well, yeah. But I'm not really into that right now.

I'm kind of getting over someone.

Yes, just the woman I was looking for. We have got to talk.

Ben, we have been through this, okay?

You can beg and plead all you want, but we are not getting back together. See what I'm dealing with?

Okay, first of all, we are not done. And second, I was talking to Piper.

So I had this brilliant idea.

Okay, you could be in town for months because of this trial thing, right?

My Mom has an apartment near a church she needs to rent.

Seems to me like, dare I say, a match made in heaven?

Can we go look at it? Now?

Yeah, let's go.

No no no. No no no.

No one is going anywhere, okay?

[cellphone buzzes]

It's the office. Once again checking in on me like I'm some sort of crazy, incompetent...

Oh, hey, hey. Sorry, I didn't realize I'd hit "answer."

Okay, so we're just gonna go in the back where no one can hear us.

Yeah, and I'm just... I'm gonna go to the kitchen for a totally unrelated reason.

No no no. No. You can tell the reverend that everything is going great, thank god.

Oh my god, are you serious?

You think you and your dad might really want to rent the apartment?

Well, I know that it'd be the answer to some of my recent prayers.

But I think you're gonna have to sneak me out of here in order to see it.

No, I can't. Riley would never speak to me again.

Oh, please. She's so in love with you.

And plus, she never has to know.

I'm sorry, can you rewind there for a second?

Riley what?

Never needs to know?

No, the other part.

Is in love with you?

Yeah, that's the one!

Well, you're pretty much all she talks about. Um...

So what do you say I scratch your back and you scratch mine?

Hey, look, I'm totally flattered and you're cute, but I think I should see where this whole Riley thing goes first.

Yeah. I actually meant that I'll help you get Riley back if you show me the apartment.

Oh, deal.

But we probably shouldn't tell Riley that you hit on me.

Okay, this is what we'll do.

I'll tell Riley that you're taking a nap and I have to work an extra shift.

You sneak out of my bedroom window across the fire escape, and we'll meet in the lobby.

Or we could just walk out the front door.

I don't see her. I think she went in the bathroom.

Oh, let's go.

Okay, Riley, Piper's taking a nap and I'm running to work. Okay, see you.

I swear, the second that crazy preacher gets sent up the river and I make partner, I am f*ring everyone.

This thing is still on?!

Okay, so Piper wanted me to let you know that she's taking a nap.

She said to wake her up in about two hours.

I'd say three just to be safe, but I'm gonna run to work, so I'll see you.

Are we gonna ignore this?

Yep.

Are we gonna get blamed for this?

Yep.

Are we gonna call off the bet and declare me the winner?

Nice try.

[dance music playing] So just get Piper to sign the lease, and then Carol can't fire you.

Oh, I hope your little church mouse doesn't mind loud music.

Somebody in this building likes to party.

[chanting] Drink drink drink drink!

Piper, what the hell are you doing?!

Well, thanks to you, I'm losing.

What the hell is wrong with you? This girl isn't looking for a place.

Well, I might be if you let me keep partying.

Somebody get this girl a drink. I need to show her the bedrooms.

[music stops]

You are not showing her anything.

Riley, what the hell are you doing here?

Ben, how could you sneak her out of the house and take her to a party at some random apartment?

Not random.

If she would just sign here, here, and here, it could be hers.

This isn't my party. It's her party.

[scoffs] Like I would have a party.

Oh.

Oh my god, is this beer?

Well now I'll never get into heaven.

She's lying. Oh, you're such a little liar.

Riley, you have to believe me. I could never lie to you.

Piper?

Oh my god! Okay, yes, yes, it's my party.

Yes, I'm drinking a beer, and yes, I made a sex tape.

And yes, you probably didn't need to know that.

Wait, so you've been playing me all along? Why?

Because if I wasn't playing you, I'd be stuck playing "Go fish."

[gasps] Well, well, well.

Is Bon-bon throwing herself a little going away party?

Because I'd like to be the first to say "bye-bye."

Carol, I can explain. Yeah, actually I can't.

No, you can't fire her.

Between burning down one listing and trashing another, I'm pretty sure I can.

She didn't burn down that apartment.

I did.

Yeah. He did.

Wait, you what?!

I'm sorry.

And she didn't trash this place. She did.

Well, you're the one who brought me here.

Wow, once you start telling the truth, you just can't stop, can you?

You know what? Why don't we all just tell the truth.

I love that idea, Mrs. Wheeler, because I have a lot to say.

This isn't about my job performance.

This is about Brad. Admit it.

You are nothing but a jealous, stereotypical, very well dressed bully.

Seriously, where did you get that outfit?!

And you are nothing but a privileged, whiny, holier than thou hypocrite.

Mm-hmm. You know what? That is good.

And might I add, unsupportive backstabber.

You don't give one thought to other people's feelings or the ramifications of your actions.

Okay, I'm just gonna let her keep going!

I could lose my job. Your father could go to prison.

Is having a "good time" really worth all that?

Okay, that kind of went off the rails.

And to think, you were my role model.

But you know what? From now on, I am my own role model. Here's what's going to happen.

I am going to rent this place because I believe in myself.

And when I do, you are going to make me a full-fledged agent.

Or I'll just stick to the original plan and fire you.

Okay, great. But just remember wherever I go, so does your number one realtor. My boyfriend...

Brad.

Welcome aboard, Bonnie.

Oh, yeah.

And as for you, Pi... Piper? Where is Piper?

So, um, speaking of Piper, she actually mentioned that you might still be in love with me.

In case you haven't paid attention, she's a liar.

Well, just thought I'd swing by before my last day as an employed person.

[chuckles]

Piper still hasn't shown up.

Riley, I feel like this is all my fault.

This is where you're supposed to tell me it's not.

It's not. I really only have myself to blame.

How can I ever make it as a lawyer if I can't even tell when someone's lying to my face?

Oh, hey. Morning, guys.

Here. A check for your entire bar bill.

I couldn't help myself. I gave my number to some girl.

You win. I caved.

I accept your concession. Tough loss, bro.

[chuckles]

Piper?

Oh, sorry. I might have caved a little.

Twice.

Hey.

Um, I probably owe you an apology.

I was being totally selfish and immature, and thanks to you I can see that my actions really affect other people. Like you.

I'm sorry.

That was a complete lie, wasn't it?

Yeah, he wrote it.

Not bad. But here's what's gonna happen.

We're gonna go to court, and you're gonna tell my boss that I was awesome this weekend.

And if you don't, I'm gonna tell your dad every single thing that you've been up to.

I'll get dressed.

Wow. Way to argue your case, counselor.

Thank you. I'm back!

Yeah!

Yeah.

So, what do they think?

I think they're gonna take it.

Sister, sister.

They don't mind the bells?

Nope.

Oh, right.

[groans]

[church bell tolls]

God works in mysterious ways.