03x11 - The Wingmom

[bunniefuu]

Okay, Emma, next question: I need two words to describe your daddy.

Ha.

Fun.

Well, you wouldn't be here if I wasn't, right?

Ben, I can't believe you signed up for match-making night.

Someone having trouble meeting girls?

No.

But if a computer's gonna help me custom-build one, I say why not?

(Scoffs)

It's a girl, not a burger.

(Ben laughs)

One of my clients actually met her husband through one of these match-making thingies...

See? It does work.

...And then she tried to k*ll him.

I believe the word you're glossing over is "tried."

No no no. Ben, you do not want to meet Gretchen Schilling.

Truly the scariest client I've ever had.

Wait wait wait, Gretchen Schilling?

Didn't you try to set me up with her?

Yes, but that was before I was 100% sure she was guilty.

(Mouths)

Which is why I'm asking a computer to set me up instead of you.

In a few hours I'll be standing face-to-face with my dream girl.

13. 13 here.

Any takers? (Chuckles)

(Clears throat) 13?

Bonnie: Is somebody looking for 13?

Mom?

(Theme music playing)

♪ It's amazing how the unexpected ♪
♪ can take your life and change direction. ♪

How could this happen?

How could someone so awesome end up with someone so...

Equally awesome?

Uh-huh.

Don't think I'm excited to find out I can't do better than a bartender whose mother still cleans his room.

I wore my lucky bra for this.

If everyone else's matches were this awful, there's gotta be a bunch of lonely lookers out there.

Oh! There's a girl I could bring home to mom.

Oh, Benji, so young, so innocent, I can smell her marital boredom from here.

Plus her husband hit on me at the dry-cleaner's last week...

Which may explain why she's here.

What about that one?

Oh God no.

The boobs, the hair, the nose... all fake.

The maintenance alone would break you.

Wow. I didn't know you were so good at this.

Oh, Ben, the things you don't know about me could fill an adult bookstore.

I can't believe I'm gonna ask you this, but... will you be my wingmom?

Wait. For the first time in history, a son actually wants his mother's opinion on who to go out with?

Yeah, I do.

I think I'm gonna cry.

Almost there. Wait for it.

Ta-da!

(Gasps) That is so cool!

(Laughs) The laundromat re-opened.

So that means they never found out who was responsible for the drier fire.

Right?

No no, not the laundromat... the car! Adele the chevelle...

Oh my God.

The only woman my dad truly loved.

Wait, I thought your mom made him sell that car in the divorce.

Well, yeah, he said he'd do a lot of things that he didn't, like stay married to her and not hit on guys.

Which reminds me... do not tell my mom about this.

Wait. So what are you gonna do with it?

And by "you," I mean "we."

Well, he's finally coming to pick it up out of storage in a week, so I said I'd make sure she's ready.

And how could I do that without a little test drive?

(Laughs)

Which will probably last a week.

And I know where we are going first... the beach.

(Gasps)

We're gonna take this hot rod to meet some hot bods.

Yeah, but the beach is only the first stop.

I've been waiting to drive this car my entire life.

(Tires screech)

My life just flashed before my eyes.

This is never happening again.

We only went around the block.

(Pants)

But that block was like a w*r zone, with 200 giant yellow tanks all aiming for Adele.

I believe they're called taxis.

Yeah. Bro, you were going so slow, I bought a hot dog from the back seat.

Just one mark on this car and my dad will disown me.

You know what? I totally get it, and I don't want you to do anything you're not comfortable with.

So why don't you take Emma upstairs and we will make sure everything is spotless?

(Sighs) Thanks, tuck.

Yeah.

(Emma fusses)

(Car honks)

Don't forget the keys.

Oh, I won't. (Laughs)

Whoo. Okay.

Whoa. Hey, what are you doing?

I'm going to the beach.

(Scoffs)

I have to. I already updated my status.

Hey, I know that you boys have no morals or integrity, but I will not lie to Danny like that.

All right? He's my best friend and we have a code.

I'll let you drive on the way back.

Code broken. I'm in.

Mm-hmm. Yeah.

(Engine starts)

Whoo!

I call this one "the Ben," because it's strong, smooth and might just get you in trouble.

Okay, thanks for playing.

We'll see you next time on "who wants to date my son?"

Okay, bye-bye.

Mom, what are you doing?

You're the one who told me to talk to her in the first place.

Yeah, for practice...

Until I found you a good one, which I just did... In the men's room.

And that's why you're my wingmom.

Yeah.

I never would've thought to look for a girl in the men's room.

Uh-huh. Yeah, well, she's gonna be out here any minute, so stand up straight, fix your collar and whatever you do...

(Deep voice) Don't be yourself.

Yeah, all clear.

Maybe if we don't say anything, he won't notice.

Really? Yeah, I think he's gonna notice that he's missing this.

But I mean, you never know. Maybe the giant scratch on the side of the door will distract him.

You know, I can't believe I let you talk me into this.

Oh, you are not pinning this on me. You were the one driving.

Oh, but you were the one screaming at me.

Yeah, I was screaming, "watch out for that mailbox!"

You know what? Turning on each other is not gonna fix anything.

So here's what we're gonna do: I'll call the body shop and you make sure that Danny does not...

(Door opens)

Hey.

Oh, hey, guys. Where've you been?

Shopping.

Coffee.

Shopping...

For coffee.

We didn't find any.

No. (Clears throat)

But Riley was just walking me home.

Yeah.

So there you go. Bye.

Bye.

(Chuckles)

Well, I was just going to go say good night to Adele.

Now? No, she's fine.

Yeah, we were just down there.

She's all tucked in for the night.

Oh, look, Ben's here. Hey, Ben. Let's talk to Ben.

Tell us something, anything. Please, I beg of you.

You know, you're not gonna believe it, but I think mom has found me the perfect woman.

Oh, last week she found me the perfect shirt.

Man, she's on a roll.

Just... (Laughs)

I'm telling you, man, that woman is amazing.

Oh God! How hot is it in that elevator?

Whew! It's more like a hell-evator.

Though that shouldn't affect you, Tuck Tuck, since heat tends to rise. Bwa-dup!

So, Benji, how did it go with Bailey?

I mean, was I right or was I right?

You were so right. We already had lunch she's on her way over here for dinner.

Yes.

And if all goes well, I'll be serving her breakfast.

Oh yeah, that's my boy! Yeah! Yeah, you know what?

I probably shouldn't be doing that with my son.

That's weird. Okay.

It's funny, but I already feel like I've known Bailey my whole life.

Knock knock! Whoo!

That elevator is quite the slow cooker.

You should call that thing an oven-ator.

Well, aren't you adorable?

I guess this apartment doesn't have a height restriction.

Boop boop boop.

(Laughs)

Yo. Yo, isn't she hilarious?

I don't know. It's hard to hear from down here.

Bailey, this is Tucker, this is my brother Danny and you know my mom.

Bons.

Bails.

So can I get you a glass of wine?

Just one? What is this, church?

Oh!

So what do you think? Isn't she great?

(Both laugh)

(Both snort)

Oh my God. I know, right?

I think you're dating mom.

Both: Don't you just love her?

Jinx!

I don't see it. I don't.

I gotta say, I like a girl who brings her own toothbrush.

Not my first bedroom rodeo, Benji.

Benji? Is there any way you can not call me that?

That's kind of what my mom calls me.

Oh my God, how much do I love her?

It turns out we have the same hair girl, the same pilates girl and the same nail girl. Her girls are my girls.

It's like we're the same girl.

Yeah, if we could possibly stop talking about my mom, that would be super helpful.

You know what else might be helpful?

If I slip out of something comfortable.

Bingo. Yeah, that would do it.

Should I dim the lights?

Don't bother.

I wore my lucky bra for this.

What you say?

I said come to mama.

(Screams)

Are you all right?

I don't think I'm ever gonna be all right.

We need to break up.

(Door closes)

Okay, I talked to the body shop and they said we could have it back by the end of the day.

Where are the keys?

I hid them where Danny would never look.

I mean, that dude ain't done a dish since he moved in.

You know what I'm saying?

Great, come on, let's get out of here. Awesome.

Oh!

Perfect, you found my keys.

You know what? I've been thinking. I'm being an idiot.

Millions of people drive in this city every day without getting in an accident.

(Laughs) Probably not as many as you think.

No, not.

Well, Adele and I are going to the beach with or without you two. It's your call.

Yeah.

(Both mouthing)

Oh well, the beach sounds great, so we'll meet you by the car.

Yeah, hey, thanks for grabbing everything.

What do you mean you're not gonna see her anymore?

Don't you find her attractive?

Yeah, I do, which has it's own set of issues.

Honey, she is the best thing that ever happened to you.

Look, mom, I'm sorry, but I've already told her flat out it's over.

Bailey and I are done.

Hey, guys.

Baby, you look so cute in your little uniform.

What are you doing here?

Just visiting my man at work.

Oh. (Mouths)

Well, I hope you mean this guy, because if I recall, we decided to stop seeing each other.

No, as I recall, you decided and now I'm undeciding for you.

Did you miss the part where I said we were done?

Followed by the text that said we were done, followed by the phone call and email that I believe were similarly themed?

Ben, you might not know this, but I'm the best thing that ever happened to you.

But we can talk about it more when you get home from work.

Home? We don't have a home.

Sure we do. I was just there cleaning out some drawers.

Wait, how'd you get in my apartment?

Oh, I made a copy of your keys.

You made a copy of my keys?

Yeah. Oh, and...

Here's your mail. See you later, Benji-boo.

How do you feel about chicken for dinner?

Oh! Never mind, I'll surprise you.

Oh! Come by any time, Bons. We'd love to have you.

Well, I think somebody owes their mother an apology.

She is nothing like me.

She is nuts!

I've gotta get those keys back.

Oh yeah, you've gotta get those keys back.

There, super glue and duct tape.

This is never gonna work.

It just needs to get us to the beach.

And then once we're there, we'll be all like, "oh my God, Danny, somebody sideswiped the car and then tried to super glue and duct tape it back together."

Here he comes.

Hey.

Hey, guys, ready to go? Oh my God!

I think I forgot the chips.

All right, that's okay. Who needs 'em?

All right, hop hop, chop chop, 'cause you don't want your mom walking by and catching you in a great big lie.

Nope. (Laughs)

Thanks, guys.

Thank you.

Great.

Oh my God, I think we're pulling it off.

Don't jinx it, don't jinx it.

(Engine starts)

Riley: Right, here we go.

Tucker: Cool.

Bailey!

Riley: Let's go.

Ready to go?

(Chuckles)

Hey, what happened to the...

Oh! Look out!

Bailey, are you okay?

(Gasps) Oh my God.

Is this your father's car?!

Okay, you just let us know if you need anything, Bailey-bee.

Pillow, tea, perhaps a bus ticket to crazy town?

Well?

Well, it's just a bruised wrist, so unfortunately she's gonna make it.

Yo, is it wrong to hit someone with a car and a restraining order on the same day?

If only it were that simple.

It seems if you break up with her, she's gonna sue Danny for everything he's worth, which I'd be fine with if I didn't get 15% off the top.

Mom, you have to fix this.

You're the one that brought itsy-bitsy Bonnie into our lives.

Oh! And... yeah, well, you're the one who mowed her down with dad's mistress, that two-door whore Adrienne.

You know her name is Adele, mom.

I don't care what her name is!

(Shouting)

I need all of us to focus!

It's not really the problem right now!

Since you seem to have one or two things in common with Bailey, what would get rid of you?

Well, probably a single dad who works for tips and lives with a giant and a dwarf!

But since that hasn't worked, I don't know!

Great. So she's the mother of the mother of all crazies.

That's it.

You just have to out-crazy the crazy.

I think I know how to fix this.

You do?

Oh yeah, that Ray Wheeler is gonna rue the day he tried to hide Annabelle and double-cross me!

Mom, you know it's "Adele"!

I don't care what her name is!

Okay, mom!

Again, kinda missing the real issue here.

No, I'm not. It's parked right downstairs.

Well, I think mom's out.

Now what are we supposed to do?

(Cellphone buzzing)

It's Riley's phone.

Pete's auto body?

Riley, that girl's body bouncing off the windshield is the best thing that's every happened to us.

You know, just play it cool and he'll blame all the damage on her.

Great. You're right. I can do this.

"Scratch? What scratch?"

(Beeps, clatters)

That was the repair guy.

(Panicky) Scratch? What scratch?

The scratch he got when he hit Bailey, and the scratch that your good friend Riley already called to have taken care of for you.

Oh yeah, that's me, just always thinking ahead.

So far ahead, you actually called a whole day before the accident?

(Chuckles)

I got nothing.

I'm so sorry. I don't know what happened.

Okay, that mailbox just jumped out of nowhere.

I'm sorry, I just... I don't know, I panicked.

I mean, a mailbox is federal property.

I could go to jail. I could end up like Gretchen Schilling, behind bars with a stainless steel toilet and... and no hair product. (Breathing heavily)

I wouldn't make it.

I mean, those girls are even crazier than that one.

Oh my God, that's exactly what we need.

Oh my God, Ben, listen...

No no no no, it's like what mom said, we need to out-crazy the crazy.

Where's Gretchen these days?

No. No no no.

Ben, I am not calling the scariest person I know to come thr*aten your new roommate.

Oh, so you would rather let your best friend get dragged into court for something both myself and the postmaster general would agree is actually your fault?!

Well, now that I think about it, her number is still in my phone.

(Rapid knock on door)

Oh, I wonder who that could be.

Are you gentlemen expecting anyone?

(Clears throat)

(Flatly) I know I am not.

Nor am I.

Riley, what are you doing here? Where's Gretchen?

Turns out the number I had was from a stolen phone.

But don't worry. I got this.

(Loudly) Shut up, Wheeler, and let me see my baby.

Mama's home!

Yo, who's the wigstand?

Better question: Who's this?

That's Gretchen, Emma's mom.

Yeah. Yeah, she's been away for like the last six months.

Supposed to be nine but, you know, good behavior.

And how about you get your feet off my coffee table?

I didn't steal it for you to ruin.

And this is Bailey. She's a... a friend.

(Laughs) Oh, I am a lot more than a friend.

Well, you're not anymore, 'cause now that I'm out, I am back with my man.

And I'm warning you... don't get in my way.

Was that a thr*at?

Yes.

Yeah, I believe it was.

One... that I would take very seriously.

And if I ever...

See you round here again, well, I'm gonna do some bad things, some very bad things.

(Angrily) Oh yeah? Like what?

Things... that are bad.

Okay, I fixed everything.

Mom, look out. It's Ben's baby mama, Gretchen, and she's back from prison.

Yeah. Yeah, watch out, or she will cut you.

With what, her sharp wit?

(Laughs) Yeah, I think I'm good.

And you, listen up, you little sea monkey.

No, you all listen.

Look, Ben, I know what you're doing.

You could've just broken up with me like a normal person.

Actually, I couldn't.

I tried, like, a gabillion times.

Well, I can take a hint.

Again, I tried.

But don't think I'm leaving quietly.

I am going to sue you so hard you're all gonna feel it!

And to think...

I was gonna make you marry me!

God. You gotta love her spunk, huh?

Mom, you ruined everything!

Riley was about to scare her off!

Really? 'Cause I didn't think it was going that well.

(Scoffs) Are you kidding me?

Girl, I thought you nailed it.

Right, because Riley is so scary!

Oh, come on! You can't jump all over it like... oh, is this about Adele?!

For the love of God, focus! Huh?!

What are we gonna do?!

Okay, just calm down.

I said I was gonna fix it, and I did.

If there's no car, there's no crime.

Wait, what do you mean, "if there's no car"?

It's more of a coffee table now.

Damn. My sunglasses were in there.

What am I supposed to tell dad now?

I'm almost positive he's gonna notice this.

(Laughs) Oh, he definitely will.

Here, quick, take a picture. Okay.

Ah!

(Phone camera clicking)

All right, take a bunch. I want to make a calendar.

Ooh. Ooh!

I'm sorry, Ray.

Adele got a little Fender bender.

My bad.

9?

9?

Come on, mama needs a 9!

(Clears throat)

Oh, whoa. Nice tan, buddy.

Call me when you get a job.

10? 10?

Where is my perfect 10?

Well, hello.

Bonnie Wheeler.

Looks like we're a perfect match.