03x14 - Livin' on a Prom

[bunniefuu]

(Laughs) No, of course, Rachel. I'd love to come over tonight.

As long as it's ok that I bring another girl with me.

Rachel?

Rachel?

Well, you've done it again!

What, did I unleash the Kraken?

No.

I was getting ready for bed, and my water and power were shut off.

You know you have to pay your bills every month, right?

Kind of part of being a grown-up.

As is trusting your son, who promised to run your bills down to the mailbox, while you babysat his child.

There's a mailbox near here? Where?

And the worst part is I was one click away from getting tickets to Bon Jovi this weekend at Madison Square Garden.

All I heard was "I'm free to babysit this weekend."

You know what... I'm done.

I am tired of being taken for granted.

The next time you need a sitter, an alibi, or a kidney, you can call somebody else.

Until I feel like I am being appreciated, you will not be seeing me again.

Right after I use your shower, your sink, and your toothbrush.

(Theme music playing)

♪ It's amazing how the unexpected ♪
♪ can take your life and change direction. ♪

(sighs) Ben has gotta fix this mom strike.

It's been three days.

Look at this.

No match. No match.

No match.

My sock situation's a complete disaster, man.

Okay. I think Emma's finally ready.

Is that my towel?

Well, it was either that or the shower curtain.

And that affects all of us.

Ben, you have to do something about your mom.

I know, I tried.

I apologized.

I even promised her it would never happen again.

But mom can always tell when I'm lying.

Oh, my God. You guys aren't going to believe it.

I'm going to prom.

Just so you know, dating a high-school guy at your age is creepy.

Also a little bit desperate. But mostly creepy.

No.

I'm on the alumni committee, and they asked me to chaperone.

And it is going to be awesome.

I always wanted to go to prom.

No. No, you didn't.

All you did was mock prom and anybody who had anything to do with it.

I didn't ask to be elected king.

The people demanded it.

I'm sorry, but mocking was one of my defense mechanisms.

I thought it was eating.

You know, some people just go and keep telling everyone their date's in the bathroom.

I'm just offering it as an option.

Well, lucky for me, I still have my old prom dress.

You know, the one I bought in the hopes that a certain someone who had been ignoring me all through high school would finally ask me.

I'm sorry, were you saying something? I was answering a text. (Mutters)

So all I have to do now is just have it taken in.

(Laughing)

Oh, my God! Or you could just use the leftovers and make some play clothes for the children. (Laughs)

"Sound of Music"?

Oh, come on, people. It's a classic.

Well, I'm glad you're going.

Maybe I could take you this time. You shouldn't go alone.

Oh, no. I'm not.

Philip's taking me.

He's actually flying in early from his conference in Boston just so he can be my date.

That's right, people.

I have a boyfriend.

And I'm going to prom.

(Phone vibrates)

Oh, cool.

Bon Jovi added a second show at the Garden.

Practice is canceled tomorrow.

Oh, my God, really?

That's how I can make things right with mom.

I can get her front row seats to Bon Jovi.

Good luck 'cause you're going to have to camp out overnight to get those kinds of seats.

Oh, my God. I'm in.

What are you talking about? You don't even like bon Jovi.

I know. I've just always wanted to go camping.

Where do you think we can get our hands on a tent?

This is the life, isn't it?

You know, this must be how our ancestors waited in line for tickets.

Marshmallow?

Oh, my God. Ben, are you okay?

(Scoffs) Are you kidding me?

This is your "emergency 911"?

What, you wanted me to hold your place in line while you peed?

I'm sorry, mom. I just wanted to see the look on your face when I tell you I'm first in line for your forgiveness.

A.K.A. Bon Jovi tickets.

Oh, my God. Ben, really?

Yeah.

Oh, I'm...

I'm so touched. See?

This is what I'm talking about.

Making our relationship a two-way street.

I'm glad you're happy.

But when you call this a relationship, it makes me queasy.

Oh, and Ben, when you get the seats, I like to be a little off to the side.

You know, so I get a good view of those dimples.

And I'm not talking about the ones...

I know what you're talking about.

(Snoring)

Ben: I'll take anything.

Nosebleeds, ear bleeds... if I don't get tickets, I'll bleed.

Oh, this is good.

You found seats?

No, they changed the hold music.

Tucker, man, what am I going to do?

Hey, Benji.

I just talked to Janice from the old neighborhood.

And I told her that I had two tickets to Bon Jovi.

And that she can suck it, because I am bringing my favorite son.

Whoa, mom, there's been a little hitch in our giddy-up.

A what in our who-dy-up?

What Ben is trying to say is that the seats aren't in the first row.

They're in the third.

They are?

They are. I'm sorry.

Oh! No, no. That's fine.

(Gasps) Oh, my God, Benji!

I am so excited!

Oh, I'm going to go find my easy-lift shirts so I can flash Jon a special message... if you know what I mean.

Again, I know.

(Chuckles)

Tucker, you're a life-saver. How did you get those tickets?

Charisma.

My aunt Charisma's a ticket scalper.

Well, I've been stood up for prom.

My life is officially over!

There's a horrible storm in Boston and all of the planes have been grounded.

Lamest boyfriend ever.

Aww, but Cinder-Riley, you have to go to the ball.

No, obviously, I am just not meant to go to prom.

I wouldn't be so sure about that.

Oh, my God. Danny.

What are you doing?

Well, Philip called, and he wanted me to make sure that you were okay.

I thought I could do better.

Corsage?

This is just about the sweetest thing anyone has ever done for me.

Philip is just the best boyfriend ever.

Yeah, he's great. But we should probably get moving.

All right.

Bye, Tucker. Don't wait up.

Oh, I won't. You know.

Mostly because I have a date.

With Emma.

Oh, come on. She didn't have to know that.

(Phone rings)

(Beeps)

Hey, Ben. Hey, how are the seats?

Oh, yeah. They're great.

Except they're a little far from the stage.

Those tickets were fakes, dude.

We've been arrested.

Really, Ben?

Fake tickets?

We could go to jail.

Mom, don't worry. I'll straighten everything out with the guard.

But just in case, you are wearing that easy-lift shirt, right?

Duh.

Excuse me, officer. There's been a huge mistake.

What? Coming to a concert with fake tickets or coming to a concert with your mommy?

Hey, hey... huh?

Look, she's the biggest Bon Jovi fan in the world.

She once sat outside of his house for three days.

And that's only because she couldn't scale a 15-foot wall.

Wall? Please.

It was an electric fence.

And I still got a bald spot in the back of my head.

Sir, look at this face.

That is the face of innocence.

And the best mom in the world.

And I know, behind the cold steel of that badge, there's a heart in there somewhere.

So please, I beg of you.

Punish me twice, and let this amazing, selfless woman go.

Hey, hey. I've got a mom too.

And I'd do anything for her.

Oh, you both can go.

(Exclaims)

Really? Thank you!

Oh, my God. I love you, huh?

Mm...

Oh, where do you think you're going?

Oh, no, no. It's okay.

He's letting us go.

And perhaps calling me later.

Well, it's going to be his one phone call.

'Cause that bag of nuts is in here for impersonating an officer.

(Distant dance music plays)

Riley, calm down. You look fine.

I do not look fine.

I do not look fine.

I tore my dress on the limo, and I spilled wine all down the front.

And there are just, oh, a dozen sparkly hairpins scattered all across the New Jersey turnpike.

Well, I guess there's always a chance of that happening when you stick your head out of the sunroof at 70 Miles an hour and scream, "I'm going to prom, b*tches!"

Perrin.

Where have you been?

You look like one of those after-prom pictures we use to warn girls not to drink too much and give it up in the back of a limo.

Oh, is that Danny Wheeler? (Laughs)

Hello, vice principal Peters.

Oh, please, Daniel. You are an adult now.

You may call me Darlene.

And now you're legal... oh!

(Laughing)

Okay, all right. Well, we're just going to go into the dance and start chaperoning, okay?

So see you under the disco ball, Darlene.

Oh, no. You can hang up your dancing shoes.

You're on duty in the girls' bathroom for the first hour.

What?

Why?

What happens in there?

Well, if you'd gone to prom the first time like a normal person, you'd know.

(Laughs)

I kind of used to have a crush on her.

Okay, so, I think I'm going to go with... things couldn't get any worse, all right?

So I'm just going to go into the bathroom and serve my sentence.

And then we will hit the dance floor.

(Phones vibrate)

Right after we bail your mom and Ben out of Bon Jovi jail.

Thank you for coming to my rescue.

You were amazing in there.

Yeah, well, three years of law school...

I was talking to Danny.

Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa, mom.

You've lost the right to ever call me that again.

No. You are not going to believe what I just did.

Whatever it is, undo it.

I do work here, you know.

Now, if you'll excuse us, we gotta get back to prom.

Oh, no, Danny. I don't think so.

(Winces) I'm kind of over it.

Yeah. I was wondering why you didn't make more of an effort.

We have to go back. You've wanted this night your entire life.

Plus, it's been like an hour since you spilled on yourself, and your hair is starting to settle. (Murmurs)

I mean, we do have the limo until midnight.

Okay. Okay, okay. Let's go.

Okay, now will you listen to me?

No, I just added that to my list of things never to do again. Sorry!

There you guys are.

Do you have any idea how many 40-something fake blondes wearing age-inappropriate clothing are running around here?

God, it's a cougar-con.

Tucker, what the hell?

Why are you out in the middle of the night with my baby?

Because Emma and I just scored your mom the last available ticket to Bon Jovi.

(Gasps)

Yeah, it's in the balcony, and behind a pillar, and the show's almost over... but, look, I just wanted you to know how truly sorry I am about the fake tickets.

See?

Now, that is how you apologize.

Thank you, Tucker.

Yes, thank you, Tucker.

For nothing.

Because my mom will be backstage meeting Bon Jovi with her all-access pass.

That's what I've been trying to tell you.

(Screaming)

Oh, my God! Where did you get these?!

I swiped them off the security captain's desk.

And I know it's illegal, but dare I say...

I was "Living on a Prayer."

Oh, Benjamin Wheeler, you are the most devious little criminal that a mother could ever love.

See ya, Tucket-master.

Yeah!

Oh, yeah!

(Screams)

What happened to those fake backstage passes we confiscated?

Well, Emma, I would hate to think I hauled your ass out of your crib for nothing. I know. So...

What do you say we use this ticket and take you to see your first concert?

(Chuckles)

(Babbles)

I know! Here you go.

(Alarm wails)

What? No... that was a fake too?

God! It's getting so you can't trust people selling stuff out of their cars in a dark alley anymore.

Section 342, seat 88.

It's your lucky day.

You just won a backstage pass for a meet-and-greet with Jon Bon Jovi because we put the "fan" in "fantastic."

(Gasps) Oh, my God! This is so great!

Wait, wait, wait... just so we're clear, is Bon Jovi a guy or a band?

(Squeals)

I don't know either.

(Screams)

Hello, Jon Bon Jovi fan club members.

It is me, your president.

And, in just a few moments, I will be meeting the man himself.

I'm going to have him autograph here, here, and a mystery body part to be named later... My boobs.

Hey, I'm Ben.

And I like to party.

Yeah, nobody cares. Nobody cares.

Okay, not everyone can get back here.

It is very exclusive.

Oh, hey, what's up, Mrs. Wheeler?

Tucker, what are you doing here?

Oh, that ticket nobody wanted got us a backstage pass too.

(Chuckles)

Oh... except mine doesn't say "Madison Square Jarden."

Okay, people...

Mr. Bon Jovi will be here any minute.

We've got some counterfeits out there.

So I'll be double-checking everyone's passes and throwing out a few asses.

Yes! We made it.

(Laughing)

That limo really flew.

So much better with me driving, right?

Yeah.

Wait, door's closing? No, no, no!

No, no, no, no! Door's closing?

Oh, my God... I've been waiting seven years to wear this dress!

(Sighs) Wait, it can't be over.

We'll get the band to play a few more songs.

Well, we'll at least get our picture taken by the balloon arch.

Danny, I so appreciate what you're trying to do here.

But it's over. Just let it go.

Okay. Well, we'll start planning for next year.

Come on.

I thought this was a dream of yours.

Well, some dreams don't come true.

You know, and that's fine.

I mean, it was silly anyway.

I thought if I could just dance under that giant disco ball to my favorite song, I could erase who I was back then.

You know, the girl that nobody wanted to take to prom.

It's fine.

I think it's time that I just moved on.

Just give my mom the pass.

No, I'm good.

Tucker!

Look at that face. That is the biggest Bon Jovi fan and the best mom in the world.

And I know, behind the cold plastic of that backstage pass, there's a heart in there somewhere.

So please, I beg of you, let this amazing, selfless woman see Bon Jovi.

That sounds rehearsed.

Yeah.

I will babysit for the next month.

She's your baby.

(Sighs)

Fine. Here's the pass.

Oh! Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you!

You know I do think of you as a second mom, so come here.

Oh, Ben, you really are the best son ever.

And I really do love you, mom.

Now do what you gotta do.

(Quietly) Okay.

These two hoodlums have fake passes.

Take these two out.

Aw, come on.

Wait... come on. Can I at least get a couple shrimp?

All right, everyone, listen up.

Mr. Bon Jovi will be here any minute.

Yeah!

(Laughs) Sorry.

He's just catching a quick shower.

So you're saying he's naked?

Alone?

In his dressing room?

Yeah.

But it didn't sound quite so dirty when it came out of my mouth.

You know what... I'm just going to duck out for like two seconds.

(Sighs)

(Murmuring excitedly)

Mr. Bon Jo...

(distant horn honks)

No.

No no no no no!

Oh, Jon!

Jon! Jon!

Hey! Over here.

It's me. Bonnie Wheeler.

I'm the one who short-circuited your fence.

(Knocking at door)

Is everything okay? Is something wrong with Emma?

No. She's fine.

It's you I was worried about.

Oh, Danny. I'm fine.

Why are you still in your tux?

Because I don't believe in giving up on dreams.

Oh, my God. Danny.

This is so sweet, but...

I'm not finished.

(Slow rock music plays)

I don't know what to say.

Say you'll dance with me.

Wait, I almost forgot the most important part.

(Chuckles)

That is not the most important part.

You always being there for me is.

♪ I'll run with you forever ♪ you really are the best friend a girl could ever ask for.

♪ As long a race as we have... ♪

Honestly, Jon was just as charming and good-looking... and, dare I say, handsy... as I ever imagined him to be.

I'm just so gosh-darn disappointed he wouldn't pose for pictures.

Really? No pictures? I got a ton.

What?

Yeah, yeah.

As we were being kicked out, we ran into Jon in the hallway.

He thought Emma was so cute.

He wanted to take a photo with his youngest fan. Here.

(Gasps) He kissed Emma on the cheek?

Oh, my God. That means if I kiss her, I'm actually kissing him.

Where is that baby?

I will never go on strike again!

Emma!

God, I love Photoshop.