03x18 - Baby Steps

[bunniefuu]

Okay, Emma. One cheerio at a time.

Walk to Daddy. I know you can do it.

She's seconds away from walking.

I can tell. Come on, Emma.

Ben, she will walk when she's ready.

Okay? She's a woman.

If she knows you want it, she ain't gonna do it.

Go to work.

(Sighs)

Fine.

But if I miss her first steps, I'm holding all of you responsible.

Bye, Baby.

(Door closes)

I don't know.

She looks pretty ready to me.

Come here, Emma.

Walk to your uncle Danny.

Come here, Baby.

(Gasps)

Ohh.

Tucker and Riley: Ben, wait!

(Theme music playing)

♪ It's amazing how the unexpected ♪
♪ can take your life and change direction. ♪

Well, we didn't catch him.

I forgot that when he hears a girl shouting his name on the street, he just runs faster.

(Chuckles)

It's fine.

We'll just call Ben and tell him what he missed.

Okay, no one is calling anyone.

That was actually your phone.

I hate you.

Ben would be devastated if he found out that he missed Emma's first steps.

Well, maybe we can reenact it so it seems like the first time?

Both: Yeah, that never works.

Look, Ben is a great dad.

There's only one thing to do.

Lie lie lie like we have never lied before.

So what if Ben misses this?

I mean, he has missed a lot of firsts.

Like her birth.

Okay, maybe Ben didn't start out being the best dad, but he has come a long way.

All you boys have.

Here you go.

There.

Okay. Hi. Hi.

Hold her.

Whee!

Isn't this fun?

There you go.

(Gasps)

Want to maybe take a step over here?

Is she okay?

Uh-huh.

Have a seat.

Oh.

Nice and easy.

Ah.

Is she having fun?

Yeah.

You guys look comfy.

Excuse me.

How old is your baby?

Oh, um... that's a good question.

I met Angela at that party in the village, Mm.

We dated for maybe six weeks before we were intimate.

And she broke up with me pretty much right after that.

I'm sure there's no correlation.

So we're into August now, and they take like nine months once they're up and running?

I think so.

So...

(Sighs)

(Mouths)

Three months.

Three months.

My baby's three months old.

(Chuckles)

This plan is not working.

I'm out of food, the diaper's history, and the new one's gonna blow any minute.

And apparently, there's some new rule about bringing babies into the locker room?

Hey, buddy!

Why don't you put a towel on or something?

I've got a baby over here.

Rude.

I cannot do this, okay?

I've got a lap full of pee, and it isn't even mine.

Hey! I can really use a diaper out here, and I know one of y'all's holding.

20 bucks for a diaper, miss, please?

Baby or senior, at this point it really don't matter.

Where you going?

The cops are after us!

We just broke into our neighbor's apartment.

You have to hide us!

You took Emma on a heist?

See?

Most fathers wouldn't do that.

Okay, Emma. I gotta get to work.

I'll see you at home, okay? All right.

(Chuckles)

Sorry about that.

So are you sure there's nothing you can do?

Actually, I think there is.

I didn't realize you were a couple.

Who, me and Juice Box?

Yeah.

I mean, I bi-racial gay couple?

That's like hitting the jackpot on the diversity form.

Really?

Yeah, you are a couple, aren't you?

Yes, we are.

A couple of guys raising a baby together.

Baby's at the ready.

Oh, yeah.

In three, two, one.

Roll! Roll!

Come on, Emma.

Come on, Emma. Come to Daddy.

Oh oh oh oh.

This way. Lead with your head.

Oh oh!

Emma, this way.

Come on, Baby, come on.

Emma Emma Emma.

All: Emma?

Tucker: Where's the baby?

Emma?

Emma?

Found her. Under the table.

Wait, here is my retainer.

I have been looking everywhere for this.

Okay.

Be careful. Grab this end.

All right. On three.

One, two, three.

(Danny and Tucker grunt)

It's okay.

Knock-knock. Child services.

Yeah, you really should get used to hearing that.

Bonnie: Danny, just put her down.

It's not like she has a limited number of steps in her.

Well, what if she does?

What if she uses them all before Ben gets home?

Well, if she runs out, she can always borrow some of mine.

(Chuckles)

Dude, I swear you know less about babies than those two.

Mom?

Yeah, Sweetie?

Is it just me, or does Emma look a little different?

What is going on?

Why do you look like that?

Well, today we learned that a picnic with Emma is no picnic.

What's the emergency?

Oh my God. Is that Gerard?

Danny, I explicitly asked you not to set me up with him.

You promised.

Okay, I'll tell him you're not interested.

But he wouldn't stop talking about you.

Really?

Mm-hmm.

Well...

You know, then it would be rude not to say hi now that I'm here, then, right?

You two ladies wanna tamp it down?

(Imitates teenage girl)

Please, don't call my mom.

She will totally freak out.

And if she grounds me, I'm gonna miss Prom.

And I think that David and I might actually... do it.

Shut up.

You shut up.

The two of you shut up.

You two should take this act on the road.

Oh, but you can't, because where I come from, using an innocent little baby to steal a diamond watch is what we like to call a felony.

Where did that come from?

We didn't put that in there.

Tell it to your parole officer, Sister.

Mom, why am I standing here holding a black baby?

Um, okay.

You know, actually, Ben, that is a very good question.

Are you sure that she's not in there somewhere?

Mom! Where's Emma?

Well, obviously she's with Marcus.

Who should have no trouble getting her to sleep.

We must have accidentally switched the strollers.

I mean, it could happen to anyone.

I want my baby back. You call him.

Right right. I have his number in my phone.

Oh... see how smart you are?

Okay, uh, it's ringing.

(Cellphone rings)

Hello?

Marcus?

No, it's not Marcus.

Oh my God, Ben forgot his phone.

So... so here's what we're gonna do.

I'll call down to the bar and tell him that it's here and he'll come rushing back up.

The minute he walks through the door, we'll put Emma down and voila!

First steps taken.

Thank me very much.

Oh my God, Riley!

Oh, thank you. Thought I lost my phone.

All right, see you guys.

Wait!

Wait, um, hey, Ben.

Don't you want to say hi to your little girl?

Uh, okay.

Hi, Baby.

Can I go now?

(Groans)

I told you!

She had a limited number.

So you know what all this walking means?

Bootie shopping spree.

(Mouths)

And speaking of Booty, I'm gonna need some help from this little cutie.

(Chuckles)

We've got a play date at the park with a hot single mom.

Well, put a bonnet on a puppy.

Because there is no way that Emma is leaving this apartment until Ben sees her walk.

But this baby is a babe magnet.

And it's not like you all haven't done the exact same thing.

(Rock music playing)

The point is, I've only got one girl in my life right now.

So please, just make sure she stays as perfect and healthy as she seems.

Mm.

Well, she's already got one thing going for her.

She's got you.

Uh, what's this?

My phone number.

Give me a call sometime, very single Ben.

The doctor will be right in.

Oh, yes!

I just got hit on by a hot baby nurse.

(Chuckles)

We make a good team.

Yes, we do.

Now shove these down your pants.

Oh, no no no, Honey.

I know you like Daddy's phone, but the last time you baby-dialed someone, the police showed up.

(Chuckles)

Look, you almost called Ava.

You almost called Ava.

Tucker?!

Tuck?

Okay, here's Daddy's phone.

Okay.

If you just hit right here, okay?

Right...

Hold on, right here.

If you just... okay.

Right here. No, Emma.

Focus, okay?

Just... just right there.

(Cellphone beeps)

Yes!

(Line ringing)

(Beeps)

Ava: Hello?

(Mouths)

Ava: Ben? Is anybody there?

Hello?

(Phone beeps)

Oh, please please please please please please please.

(Cellphone vibrates)

Ben: It seems we have a call.

(Chuckles)

Hello?

Ava?

(Giggles)

Oh, yeah. It's so nice of you to call.

You up for a little challenge?

I'm listening.

We each take a block.

Whoever lands the most numbers gets the stroller the whole rest of the day.

Game on. But I gotta warn you.

Tucker's in the zone.

Thanks for the heads up, Frunkle.

I'll take this block.

Wait wait wait wait. You get the Yogurt Shop and the Nail Salon?

Whoo! Is it ever hot out today.

Hey, hey...

That is not fair.

Hey!

I want to renegotiate.

Okay, Emma.

Are you ready to be Grandma's wing-baby?

I have decided that today is the day I'm finally gonna talk to the hottest guy this side... Hello!

There he is.

Now remember, I get the one who's potty-trained.

Did you see that look?

Oh!

Why did I only shave up to my knees this morning?

Now watch and learn, Emma.

First impressions are everything.

Excuse me, is this seat available?

Sure is.

Just like the woman sitting across from it.

Here here here. Just hold her.

10 seconds and I'll give you back the earring.

Come on. Come on.

There you go.

Yeah.

Aww.

She's awfully cute.

(Spits)

(Shrieks)

(Gasps, groans)

Ugh!

Here.

Your baby's broken.

Because right next to that is a Korean foot massage place.

Oh my God. I love a good foot massage.

Oh, well then you should go there.

Or... oh look, I have hands.

(Both laugh)

How could somebody so funny and sweet end up with a roommate that's such a wack-a-doodle?

(Chuckles)

Hey, let's be honest.

If I didn't take him in, then who would?

(Chuckles)

Well, you and your hands stay put.

I'm just gonna go check on Justin.

We will be right here.

(Chuckles)

(Bleats)

What are you doing?

Nothing.

Tucker?

Um...

(Bleats)

Seriously, world's best wing-baby.

Wait, what are we gonna do when she actually learns how to say no?

Like every other woman in your life?

Oh, yeah!

(Chuckles)

Besides, she's a Wheeler.

She can be bought.

At least that's what your personal ad says.

Fine.

Fine, I will just get a high five from Emma.

Emma? Where's Emma?

(Door closes)

Riley: Oh my God.

Oh my God.

No no no no!

(All muttering)

All: Emma? Emma?

I remember the first time Ben locked himself in the bathroom.

Of course it was for a very different reason.

It just makes me realize all these milestones are going by so fast.

Huh?

(Coos)

What do you think, Emma?

This is what we call a party.

Someday, you'll grow up and trash Daddy's place, and the circle of life will be complete.

I'm actually getting kind of teary-eyed just thinking about it.

I need you to focus. This is a critical birthday decision.

Traditional?

Tiara?

All: Aww.

Ben: Oh, no.

Or my personal favorite, viking warrior Princess.

All: Warrior Princess.

Oh, and also, can we please vote on whether or not we're getting a pony?

I still think we can fit one in the elevator.

Well, I measured.

And we can totally fit a pony in that elevator.

Yes!

I don't know which one you are, but you're definitely the cutest reindeer of them all.

When did I become one of those parents?

Probably two seconds after I saw you in those little antlers.

I can't believe we have been waiting almost three hours.

At this rate, they should just pass out Easter Eggs and call it a twofer.

I'm sorry, but who knew so many people would want to see Santa two days before Christmas?

Everyone.

Yeah, well, I just wish I didn't wait until now to get Emma's present.

Who knew they'd already be sold out?

Again, I'm gonna go with everyone.

Now what am I gonna do?

I have to get Emma that Giggorilla.

She loves that laughing ape.

She told me so with her smile.

Well, you do know there's a good chance that smile was just gas, right?

You're next.

If anyone feels the need to spit up, tear up, or hiccup, I'd appreciate a heads-up.

Well, I'd appreciate a "hurry up."

Because I got a turkey I need to pick up.

Well, here's how it's gonna go down.

He "Ho-Ho" 's, you tell him what you want, we snap a picture, and then if you'd like to make another memory, meet me in 20 minutes in the Gingerbread House.

I might have to fold you in half, but I think I can get it done.

Best offer I've had all week.

Okay, folks. Let's do this.

So, I'd like to call on Emma's two amazing godfathers.

Ready to go, dude.

We're on it.

Her one incredible godmother.

That's me.

Her two one-of-a-kind grandparents.

Oh, we love you.

Yes, we do.

We love you.

And hopefully a new step-granddad.

Hey, baby girl.

So, we're gathered here to make a promise.

That we will always watch over her, and make sure that she's always loved and happy and protected.

And that she knows that she's never alone in this world.

We may be loud and crazy and anything but a typical, normal American family, but we will always be there for you.

Danny?

Here we go.

Here you go.

Here we go, Emma.

Ohh.

All: Ohh!

Okay, Emma.

And just remember, whenever you need a moral or spiritual guide...

You just come to me.

What?

No, she would come to me.

I'm her grandmother.

No no.

(Overlapping arguing)

We love you, Emma.

Go!

All right, here we go.

Hakuna Matata! "The Lion King."

Yes!

"Nobody puts Baby in the corner".

"Dirty Dancing."

Yes!

Uh...

(Growling)

(In Australian accent)

"A dingo ate my baby!"

"A Cry in the Dark."

Yes! Five seconds!

Five seconds!

"Hasta la vista, Baby."

"Terminator 2."

Yes!

What?!

That is time!

(Cries)

Come on, you have to eat.

I'm begging you.

Come on.

(Emma coos)

(Giggles)

What?

You like that?

Look what Daddy can do.

Huh?

I do this at work every day.

Huh?

You want some now?

You want some?

Here it comes.

Here it comes, Baby.

(Chuckles)

Oh my God, you're eating.

Thank you so much.

Okay people, let's do this.

Hi, Sweetie.

Where's the cake?

Oh.

Was this for Emma?

Well, Baby, maybe this isn't what you signed up for, but you're stuck with us.

All: Happy Birthday, Emma.

It's him. Everybody act natural.

Okay, um...

(All stammering)

Move it, move it, move it.

Oh, hey.

You guys are still here.

Way to be productive.

Hey, Ben.

I'm just making coffee.

And I'm cooking a meal.

And I'm... leaning.

And I'm carting your baby around because she doesn't know how to walk yet.

Oh, good. So I didn't miss anything?

Hey, Emma.

Don't you want to walk for Daddy?

Oh my God, Emma.

Did you guys just see that? Emma walked!

That's amazing.

Really?

I can't believe my little girl's all grown up.

I know these are your first steps, and they're gonna take you out there in this world, but just remember, no matter where you go, Daddy's always gonna be right here.

(Pop music playing)

♪ Her name's Emma... ♪
♪ Oh, I am head over heels there's one dilemma ♪
♪ she doesn't know how I feel ♪
♪ I put her picture on my wall-ah-all ♪
♪ oh, she's my baby ♪
♪ she's my da-da-dol ♪
♪ her name's Emma ♪
♪ oh, and she acts like a star ♪
♪ June or December ♪
♪ I want to be where you are ♪
♪ what can I do to make her fall? ♪
♪ Tweeted my number, never call-alled ♪
♪ Emma, Emma ♪
♪ you're lonely no more. ♪