03x20 - All Aboard the Love Train

[bunniefuu]

Okay, I have a question: This sauce recipe calls for a cup of onions, but all of our cups are different sizes.

Relax, Dude.

I'm pretty sure they always mean the biggest.

I'm just trying to do something special for Georgie and I want to do it right.

This isn't too weird for you, is it? Us dating?

No, not at all. I can tell when two people are meant to be together, like you and Georgie...

Look at you be all mature.

...And me and Riley.

Look at you being all irrational.

No, Dude, it's true. We've been hanging out a lot lately and I can tell that something has changed.

Yeah, she doesn't seem to want you dead so much anymore.

I know. Right? It's awesome!

I definitely won her friendship back, now I just gotta convince her that we're destined to be together.

How do you plan on doing that?

I just gotta figure out a way for us to spend some time alone...

But I gotta be subtle and not too obvious.

Knock knock! Hey, so guess who gets to spend 30 hours on some stupid train to go to some stupid family reunion.

I'll go! Can I go? Let me go! It'll be fun.

Not so subtle, but you've got the obvious part down.

Still afraid of flying?

Oh no, I love flying.

It's the plummeting 30,000 feet to my death that I'm just not a huge fan of.

So Danny can watch Emma and we'll have ourselves a little train adventure.

Should be fun... and innocent.

What are you up to?

Nothing.

Why would I be up to anything?

You are so distrustful.

We'll be all alone, right?

And now I see what you're up to.

Okay. Ben, if we do this, "all aboard" only means "get on the train."

Okay?

We are just friends. You got it?

Yeah, I got it.

(Mouths)

(Softly)

Emma.

(Theme music plays)

♪ It's amazing how the unexpected ♪
♪ can take your life and change direction. ♪

(Clicks)

(Clears throat): Tucker Dobbs audition for "The Mary Hart Show," take one.

Okay.

Three... two, one.

♪ Mary puts the "Hart" in "heart" ♪
♪ Mary! ♪

Hello, everyone, and welcome to "The Mary Hart Show."

I'm Mary Hart, and I'd like to introduce you to my new co-host.

Hello, America. I'm Tucker Dobbs.

Now sit back, relax and let me tuck you in.

(Laughs)

"Tuck you in"?

Yeah.

Congratulations.

You've managed to be boring and creepy.

Okay, would it k*ll you to be a little supportive?

Hey, you want support, stop wearing boxers.

You said Mary was looking for a co-host.

I mean, I'm sure that she wants one with some pizzaz.

Well, the co-host was the network's idea.

I mean, all she wants is a bigger shoe budget and a masseuse named Julio.

Yeah.

Well, Tucker, I think you should go for it.

Really? You think I'd make a good co-host?

No, I think you could pass for a masseuse named Julio.

Waza.

(Mimics g*nshots)

All right, okay. How's this? How's this?

Hello, ladies. Let me tuckle your fancy.

(Laughs)

Well, I don't know if that's a good intro, but it does explain why you're single.

Oh, Ben, thank you so much for getting the tickets.

That's so sweet. I can't believe we have our own compartment.

That is so...

Just like you, because there is only one bed.

Why is there only one bed?

And what exactly did you think was going to happen in this one bed?

I'm sure it's just a mistake.

I had nothing to do with this.

Ah. Mr. Wheeler, the bed's been made up just as you requested.

Sounds like you and the missus have quite the romantic night planned.

Romantic night?

I don't know where he'd get such an inappropriate idea.

From your e-mail.

Ben Wheeler, I...

I told you this train wasn't going to "Sex Town".

God, you have a one-track mind.

Get out. Get out. Get out, get out, get out.

Oh God. Both of you.

(Sighs)

You were supposed to make up the bed after dinner.

Well, it's dinnertime somewhere.

(Bonnie laughs)

And that's all the time we have for today.

Until next time, let's tuck it out, America.

So? What do you think?

When they told me Tucker wanted to submit a tape, my first thought was, "who?"

But now I have to say I think I found my new co-host.

Really?! You did?!

Oh, this is like my dream come true.

She is hilarious.

(Laughs)

Yes, she is.

Wait wait wait, hold up. He... she who-sh... who?

Bonnie. She is exactly what I'm looking for in a co-host...

Someone who makes my pretty and funny seem prettier and funnier.

How soon do you think we can get her in for a camera test?

Wait wait wait, Bonnie Wheeler?

Okay, are you sure there wasn't anyone else in that audition that might've caught your eye?

Well, you were, but you were just boring and creepy.

(Chuckles)

Mary, I was just being silly, you silly.

(Laughs)

Don't ever touch me again.

Yes, ma'am.

Okay.

Look, the only problem is I'm just not so sure that Bonnie is that interested in the job.

(Shouts)

Yeah!

(Laughs)

Oh yeah!

Yes, I'm gonna be on TV!

(Sniffling)

Oh, you stop judging me. You cry all the time.

What does it say to do next?

(Cellphone ringing)

(Beeps)

Hello?

So this whole Riley thing is a complete disaster.

What is wrong with me?

I've tried to tell you that a gabillion times, and now you're ready to hear it?

(Call waiting beeps)

Hang on a sec.

Hello?

Hi. Oh my God, why is your brother just such a jerk?

Weird. I was about to answer the same question.

We just got back to friends and now he wants to skip right to benefits.

Can you hold on for like two seconds?

Yeah.

(Beeps)

I think you should move on.

(Scoffs)

Move on? I have moved on.

He's the one who keeps moving in.

Are you not listening to me?

Sorry, I'll be right back.

(Beeps)

Ben?

Yeah.

I think you just need to move on.

Move on? I was just starting to move in.

Yeah, I know. I heard.

Danny, she thinks all I care about is sex.

And you don't?

(Chuckles): Well, I mean, yeah, it's pretty high up on the list, but that's not the whole point of this trip.

(Beeps)

Listen, I think you should just relax and stop being so pushy.

(Laughs): Relax?

I... I am relaxed.

I am about to just pushy him right off this train.

Um, hold please.

(Beeps)

Ben?

Yeah.

I think you should probably just lay low for a while.

Well, since she kicked me out of the cabin, it's gonna be kind of hard to find a place to do that.

Um, hold that thought.

(Beeps)

I think you should probably just lay low for a while.

Dude, are you having a stroke?

You literally just said that.

Damn it.

(Beeps)

Riley?

Yeah.

Yeah, don't worry about Ben.

I think he's just gonna lay low for a while.

(Scoffs)

Well, God knows he's been trying to lay just everywhere else.

Oh my God. Ben.

Yeah, I get it.

He's a jerk. I know.

No no no, his screensaver...

It's a picture of us. Oh my God, I remember this day so well.

I just... I wanted it to last forever.

God, what... what is the matter with me?

Why am I fighting this?

I have been pushing him away for so long that I can't even remember why.

Obviously, he wants to be with me, and God knows I can't stop thinking about him.

Maybe I should just say yes.

Ahh!

Thank you so much, Danny.

You were amazing.

(Beeps)

Hello?

(Gasps)

I won't say anything if you don't.

(Both laughing)

Are you kidding me?

Table for one?

Look at him.

Laughing, flirting.

It's... it's like he doesn't even care.

Oh, Peaches, it's like I always say... women are like trains.

You miss one, there's always another one coming.

Well, this one is going.

So this Riley girl sounds pretty special.

Oh, she's not just special.

She's the one.

I just wish I knew how to make her see that.

Okay, Emma, "Add egg, onion and salt to taste."

Taste like what? Salt tastes like salt.

(Cellphone rings, beeps)

Hello?

Danny.

Oh, Tucker, perfect timing.

Hey, I need some advice.

Yeah, me too.

How many tablespoons are in a teaspoon?

I don't know, maybe like 30?

Oh, thanks, Dude, I was way under.

(Beeps)

(Clicks, ringing)

What's up?

Danny, I'm the one that called you.

I know. I said, "what's up?"

No. No no no, before.

You know what? Never mind.

All right, what would you do if another player tried to take your position on the team and you wanted to get rid of her but still seem like the nice guy?

Easy. There are no girls in hockey.

Problem solved.

(Call waiting beeps)

Hang on a sec.

(Beeps)

Hello?

Oh my God, Danny, I lost Ben.

Did you check The Lost and Found?

No, he met someone else.

What are... what are the chances of that even happening?

Well, it's Ben, so 100%?

So what do I do now? Do I just walk away?

Hang on a sec.

(Beeps)

Okay, here's the deal: You need to fight for what you want, no matter what.

Otherwise, you're never gonna get it.

Fight for what I want.

You know what? You're right.

For once, I... I am going to fight.

Riley?

Thank you, Danny.

That was... that was really good advice.

(Sighs)

(Beeps)

Tucker?

Yup.

Still here. I read a book and knitted a scarf.

Still here.

Okay, here's the deal: You need to fight for what you want, otherwise, you will never get it. Don't take no for an answer.

Don't think of anyone else's feelings other than your own.

(Chuckles)

Thanks, dude.

You know, that's really good advice.

Yeah, I'm kind of on a roll.

Oh, excuse me, Mr. Porter guy, could you maybe help me with something in here?

(Chuckles)

What I wouldn't give to go a day without getting hit on.

I'm Tucker Dobbs.

Dude, perfect, right?

Hey, Tuck Tuck. Thanks for warming my chair.

Now how about warming my tummy with some coffee?

Chop chop. (Clicks tongue)

(Scoffs)

I cannot believe that you are really going through with this.

Well, I'm sorry. But The Mary Hart wants what The Mary Hart wants.

And Mary Hart wants me, not you.

(Both chuckle)

This is my calling.

Ring ring.

Oh, wait. Oh, look, I'm my calling...

(Laughs)

Calling to tell your calling that you stole my calling.

(Grunts)

But you know what? I'm a professional, and my job is to help you.

Well, how hard could it be?

I just have to read these cards.

Yeah, fine, you know? Just read the cards.

That is if you wanna totally suck.

(Laughs)

I mean, you know what?

A little inside advice: Just lose the cards.

Really?

Yeah, Mary responds to spontaneity.

Oh my God, thank you, Tucker.

Yeah.

Oh God, I would've made a fool of myself.

Nobody wants that.

(Sighs)

Oh, anything else?

Actually, yeah.

Oh yeah? Good, give it.

Yeah, touch her as much as possible.

Oh. Okay.

Mary loves to be touched.

And don't worry about time. The longer your anecdotes, the better.

And remember: Any thought, no matter how small, silly or offensive it may seem, just throw it out there.

Throw it out there. Okay. Okay.

Oh, here's Mary.

Okay, people, I have a charity event at 7:00, but that means I have to be there at 6:45 to find out what it's about.

(Bonnie and Tucker laugh)

All right, people, are we ready to make some memories?

Yes.

(Snaps): I know I am.

(Laughs)

Bonnie Wheeler camera test.

And we are rolling in five, four, three...

Hello, everybody and welcome to "The Mary Hart Show."

I'm Mary Hart and this is my new co-host...

Bonnie Wheeler!

Bonnie Wheeler. I'm supposed to say that.

Bonnie is a newly-single mom.

She just moved here to...

Who is definitely in the mood to mingle.. with young people.

Male people. Young male people.

Did I mention I was single?

(Laughs)

Oh, now that is a juicy story.

It turns out my first husband was gay, which is why I'm making sure my second one is rich.

You know what I'm talking about, right, Mary? Huh?

(Laughs)

(Deep voice): You know, Mary Hart.

(Porter knocks)

Mrs. Wheeler?

Yes, come in. Come in.

Hi. Finally. Did you give Ben my note?

What took you so long?

I'm sorry.

I have this bad habit of taking care of people who tip me first.

Here here here.

Relax. He'll be here any minute.

(Clears throat)

(Yelps)

Riley, hey, I got your...

Riley?

Is everything okay?

Yeah, I guess I just misunderstood.

Then should we finish what we started?

Yup, and if we do it right, tonight is going to be amazing.

Oh, you have no idea how amazing it is going to be.

Oh!

(Snorts)

And that is why you never mix box wine with rollerblades.

True story.

Oh! That looks like that is all the time we have for today.

For "The Mary Hart Show," I'm Bonnie Wheeler.

(Mutters)

That's your cue.

And she's Mary Hart! Good night, America!

(Laughs)

Tucker: And we're out!

All right, great job, everyone.

Right!

Oh, that was amazing! Oh, Mary, I just have to...

And Mary has to go. Run along now.

Okay.

That woman is wild.

Yes, I'm afraid so.

She never even looked at her cards.

Not a one.

She totally winged it.

Never knew what she was gonna say.

And I loved it!

You what?

It was invigorating.

I mean, I should be more like Bonnie.

I am so marrie to my cards (Scoffs)

But you love the cards.

You know, actually, Mare-Mare, losing the cards was Tucker's idea.

He is a great producer.

You know what? You're right.

Congratulations, Tucker. I am making you our new senior producer.

Really? Oh my God, thank you.

(Gasps)

I'm so sorry.

And, Bonnie, you've got the job.

(Laughs)

You can start on Monday.

Oh! Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you.

Oh, this is going to be so amazing.

You will not regret this, Mary.

Me and you, we're a team, you know?

Like this fabulous mother and daughter act.

You know?

You're like the wise, old sage and I'm the young buck, learning from the master.

(Laughs)

Oh, this is gonna be so much fun, Mare bear.

Oh!

(Laughing)

Where's...?

(Continues laughing)

So, as your new senior producer, is there anything I can do for you?

Yes. You can fire Bonnie Wheeler.

I hope it's not too awkward for you.

(Chuckles)

Oh, it won't be awkward at all.

♪ Tucker puts the hart in Mary, Tucker. ♪

So, would you like me to pour?

Can't drink if you don't pour.

(Scoffs)

Really?

Really? Candles, wine, a girl who's name I'm sure you've just already forgotten.

It's Samantha.

It's irrelevant.

Riley, are you okay? What happened to you?

You! You! You happened to me. That's what.

And don't even try to tell me that this isn't what it looks like, because if you say that this isn't what it looks like, I will scream, and we all know just exactly what that looks like.

Me screaming!

Okay, Riley, you need to calm down.

Oh my God! I am calm, okay?

I am as calm as a cucumber.

I'm pretty sure that's "cool as a..."

Oh, stuff it, Liquor Lady!

I can't believe that I was about to throw myself at you!

I was... I was willing to give us another chance!

We were gonna have sex.

Hey, can I get this dinner to go?

(Scoffs)

Oh. Oh, sure.

Let me pack this up for you.

Ha!

(Laughs)

What do you think of that?

I think you're gonna feel really silly when I tell you who that dinner was for.

I didn't do all of this for some waitress I just met.

Actually, I'm a bartender.

Oh, Sweetie, nobody cares.

I did this for you.

And I just want you to know that no matter how many times you turn me down, I'm still gonna be here waiting.

Riley, you are the only one for me.

Oh.

(Chuckles)

Why didn't you say so?

(Clears throat)

I'll have a white wine.

I guarantee this is gonna be the best lasagna you've ever had.

And fair warning, I still cannot find my watch, so eat carefully.

Here you go.

Ah. Just because one girl had to cancel doesn't mean I can't have dinner with my other best girl.

(Fusses)

Don't tell Georgie, but you really are my favorite.

(Door opens).

Okay, that was officially the worst day ever.

Oh, I don't know. It wasn't so bad.

(Chuckles)

Ooh, lasagna.

Help yourself.

Oh, that Mary Hart.

You know, she seems so sweet and innocent.

Don't let her fool you. She is evil.

She had the nerve to hire and fire me on the same day. Oh, and get this...

She made poor Tucker here do her dirty work for her.

It was awful.

Well, I hope you like it.

It's the first thing I've ever made.

Oh my God, Honey, it smells incredible.

Uh. Mm-oh my... tastes...

(Gasps)

(Both gag)

Oh my God!

Move!

Move! You move!

Oh God, I can still taste it!

Oh my God, it's starting to get light.

I can't believe we stayed up all night just... talking.

I know. That's a first for me.

(Laughs)

So, I think we got this friend thing down.

What do you say we go back up to the compartment and not be friends?

I would enjoy not being your friend...

(Door opens)

... very much.

(Notes chime)

We'll be arriving in five minutes, people.

Everyone off the train. Last stop... Orlando, Florida.

Land of sun, surf and a father I haven't spoken to in 15 years.

(Notes chime)

Wow. I guess our timing's a little off.

You wanna go back up and pack up?

Oh yeah, about that...

Um, I may have thrown your luggage out the window.

Okay, I'm ready.

Are you sure?

This may hurt.

I can handle it.

I mean, I didn't get the job, but somebody had to.

She as good as me?

Well, let's just say that they definitely have all the qualities Mary's looking for in a co-host.

Hello, everybody, and welcome to "The Mary Hart Show."

I'm Mary Hart and this is my new co-host, Julio.

Buenos dias.

Isn't he adorable?

God, she's good.

Mmm!