04x02 - It's A Wonderful Emma

[bunniefuu]

Ooh. Hello, Emma.

Hello.

Or should I say, halo!

Oh, how will people know it's Christmas without my little Christmas angel?

Oh, I think they'll know.

People on other planets will know.

Can I take this off now?

I keep getting shocked and my heart is b*ating weird.

Yeah. Yeah. I probably wouldn't sweat too much in that thing.

Grandpa learned the hard way. You know- (Mimics electrocution)

("Jingle bells" plays)

(Groans) "God, I love Christmas shopping," said never, by no one.

I have been poked, prodded, and peed on.

My eyelids are frozen, my fingers are numb, and I haven't felt my left foot for the last two hours.

The only goods news is is that I got a special someone a certain something that they really, really wanted this Christmas.

You got me those speakers?

And that camera?

A time machine and better taste in men?

I was talking about my daughter, but apparently, I forgot to buy a few things.

Oh God, I'll be back before new years.

("Jingle bells" plays)

Seriously, mom? Fake snow?

Well, I'm sorry, but the real stuff kept melting.

(Baby whines)

I know.

Merry Christmas! - (Door closes)

Bye.

Bye!

(Theme music playing)

♪ It's amazing how the unexpected ♪
♪ can take your life and change direction ♪

Okay, so what should I make for Christmas dinner this year?

Your mother has passed on the sacred responsibility of preparing the holiday meal to me.

To me.

Oh my God. What was I thinking?

The same thing we'll be thinking after we take the first bite, we've made a terrible mistake.

Okay, if my measurements for the tree are correct, we should be able to fit a 41-footer. Ha!

What do you think?

I think an actual ladder would be better at math.

(Bells chime)

(Giggles) Well, I freed our Christmas costumes.

Granted, I had to flash Dan, the storage guy, a 20, among other things, but look what I found, Benji.

Oh, your old angel wings.

No, thanks. Last time I worse those it was fifth grade and somebody b*at the crap out of me.

I am so sorry about that.

Well, I think they're perfect for the Christmas Pageant.

The Christmas what?

Pageant.

The one you signed me up for at Emma's daycare center.

Oh, is that what that was?

They're always bugging me for something over there.

All right, well promise me you won't dress Emma up in anything too crazy.

If I recall, this is the age where kids start to feel shame.

She's a Wheeler, we wear our shame like a comfy, old sweater.

Which reminds me, wear yours to the Pageant because you're in it.

Ho, ho. No I'm not.

Yeah, I'm here.

I'm telling you right now, I'm not doing this stupid show in this stupid outfit.

It's stupid.

(Scoffs)

I think you look adorable.

Doesn't he look adorable?

Stop it, mom, you're embarrassing me.

Okay, people. Focus in.

Leave your tasks. Come, come.

I'm Hermione Pimstock, your Pageant director, and today is your lucky day.

I have attended over a dozen Broadway productions.

Oh, wow.

Yes.

Bravo.

Thank you. Just call me your Christmas angel.

(Chuckles)

What are you supposed to be?

Well, I'm your virgin Mary, and I can handle anything you throw at me.

I bet you can, though I doubt any of it ends with you being a virgin.

Okay, God picked her for a reason.

Mom, mom, mom. Nobody wants to hear your theory on why Mary had to be hot.

Okay.

(Phone vibrating)

Oh, well isn't this just a slice of Christmas crap pie?

(Scoffs) Walt and Susie Chesterbaum are out.

They're our big musical finale.

Damn it! Walt Chesterbaum is the premier Jesus on the eastern seaboard.

Ugh! Okay.

Excuse me.

(Gasps) Oh, Benji...

What do you say we put the old Wheeler band back together, and we blow the roof off this joint?

Mom, the Wheeler band hasn't been together since we literally blew that roof off that joint.

(Scoffs) Fine, honey, if you really don't want to do it.

I really don't want to do it.

Yeah, but who asked you?

Hermione wait! I've got the perfect finally act. the Wheeler band, and we are gonna blow the roof off this joint.

Bonnie: You got fire insurance, right?

All right, let's get down to business and strategize for operation get the perfect tree.

I wanted to call it operation needle.

Well, I changed it.

("Jingle bells" plays)

Oh my God, this holiday can't be over fast enough.

Whoever said this was the most wonderful time of year should be clubbed with a candy cane.

I get the first whack.

Well, that is a lovely holiday sentiment, Ben, but right now I need to download you on operation needle.

Oh, fine. You were right.

All right, pay attention. There is a new shipment coming in today at 4:00 to the lot on ninth by the bodega with the reindeer on the roof.

Got it?

9:00 on fourth.

4:00 on ninth.

With a Santa in the window.

I'm gonna start again.

Why does everyone have to make everything so complicated...

Between the tree, and the decorations, and the shopping, and that stupid Pageant.

Plus, the only thing I was actually looking forward to, Christmas dinner, is guaranteed to be ruined since mom is letting Riley cook, and the only things that she knows how to make are dry muffins and burnt toast.

She's standing right behind me, isn't she?

Yup.

(Groans)

Riley, I'm sorry. I didn't mean it.

You're an amazing cook.

Look, see?

Mm, it's delicious.

I'm just trying to do something nice for the family that always made me feel special at Christmas.

Oh, I thought you were cooking for us.

(Chuckles) Well, let me help.

I can taste the ingredients before you put them all together and ruin them.

(Chuckles) Boop.

Okay, I do need to run to the store.

Can you keep an eye on the pies for me? They are almost done.

But, hey, aren't you supposed to be helping Danny and Tucker?

Oh, trust me, they're fine. How hard is it to get a tree?

Danny! Danny, a little help here, please!

I'm trying!

Ow! Where the hell is Ben?

This is my tree! It's mine!

Okay, I will be back in 20.

(Groans) They added another rehearsal for this Pageant.

I knew I should have worked a Christmas shift.

Eyes on the pies, Wheeler. Eyes on the pies.

(Door closes) - Well, there's a Christmas gift I can get myself.

(Typing on phone)

Hey, hey, it's Ben. I was just wondering if you still need someone to work Christmas.

Yes! Yes, I'm in!

In fact, make it a double. (Laughs)

My shift today?

Right now? Yeah, no, I'm on my way, sir. I just...

I was just picking up your Christmas present.

You like... plants, right?

(Door opens, closes)

Hey.

Aren't you that whiny angel with the slutty mom?

Why weren't you at rehearsal?

Oh, yeah. Turns out I had to work. Darn it.

I got a kid to support, you know.

(Groans)

Totally forgot to have kids.

Look at this tree, Ben. Look at it!

You abandoned us out there. They almost tore Tucker in half.

My hands are permanently curled like a pathetic plastic action figure.

Really, Ben?

You're working on Christmas?

What about the daycare Pageant?

Do you wanna just look your daughter in the eyes and tell her that there is no Christmas this year?

I'm sorry, Emma. There's no Christmas this year.

She seems cool.

Ben Wheeler. Ooh, you smell that?

That is the scent of Christmas dinner, ruined!

Okay, do you mind? I was kind of in the middle of berating my son.

Well, get in line, lady. Look at my hands!

What did you say?

(Overlapping shouting)

(Groans)

I swear, my life would be so much better if this stupid holiday didn't exist.

I'll drink to that.

(Arguing continues)

No, seriously, can I drink to that?

Oh.

(Video game sounds)

Oh, hey, tuck. Look man, I'm really sorry about the...

What the hell happened to all the decorations?

What decorations?

Oh, okay, I get it. Bah, humbug.

Well, the joke's on you because I really don't care about Christmas.

Chris who? What are you talking about?

Never mind. Did Emma get to sleep okay?

Who's Emma?

(Scoffs) Very funny.

Oh, wait. Is Emma that new chick you're dating?

Hey, see if she's got any friends who like sensitive guys who are extremely flexible.

Okay, where is she? I'm not playing around.

Where is who?

My daughter.

Dude, you don't have a daughter.

Tucker, this isn't funny, where is Emma?

Oh, you're hiding her in Danny's room aren't you? This is so not cool, man.

Not cool.

Oh, look who it is, Mr. never-buys-toilet paper.

Who the hell are you, and where's Danny?

Uh, he moved out a year ago when he couldn't pay his rent.

What? Look, I don't care.

For the last time, where's Emma?

What's his damage?

Look, as far as I can tell, some girl named Emma broke up with him, and he's also in a fight with some guy named Chris.

Oh, I know, I'm dreaming. That's it. Tucker, slap me.

I don't know if you feel any better, but I feel fantastic.

You look fantastic. I love you.

What?

Nothing.

Okay.

Tucker, focus.

Emma. You were there the night I met her mom.

In fact it was Christmas Eve, we went to a party.

Why are you doing this to me, man? I thought we were best friends.

Best friends?

Best friends don't drop their best friend the second their famous brother comes to town.

Great news, Benjo.

Oh... hi, Jeffrey.

So, your dad called and he's coming into town.

I think he wants to get back together.

Oh, thank God. I have been lost without him.

Mom, dad's gay.

You got a divorce. You're happy now.

Benjamin, how could I be happy without your father?

And more importantly, how could he be happy without me?

One word: Steve!

Steve? They're just friends.

A lot of people go camping with just one sleeping bag.

Okay, fine, whatever. He's straight.

Where's Emma?

How should I know? You never let me meet your girlfriends.

No, Emma, my daughter. Your granddaughter.

Oh my God, I can't believe this is happening. I gotta find her.

Like anybody would believe I could be a grandmother.

Oh, wait. I better not be.

Oh, man. I knew I should have had him fixed.

Riley, open up. It's Ben, it's an emergency.

The world has gone insane.

I know you're probably still...

What are you wearing?

Uh, my work uniform.

What are you doing here, and why did you just touch me?

No one knows where Emma is.

Oh, is that the girl you brought to my last party?

Yeah, she's hideous.

No, Emma, my daughter.

(Scoffs) You have a daughter?

Good luck to her.

Look, Riley, you have to help me.

Emma has disappeared and so has Christmas.

Who's Chris Moss?

I know a Dave Moss.

You know what, why would I help you?

Okay, I have seen you twice since I moved to the city, and one of those times is when you crashed my party, barfed in my hamper, and slept with my best friend.

So now, if you'll excuse me, I have to get back to the beer garden and listen to a bunch of drunk frat guys giggle every time I say weiner.

I... I don't understand.

You quit the beer garden. Don't you remember?

I convinced you to take the bar exam again and you passed.

You convinced me?

Ben, the only things you have ever talked me into doing were illegal.

And, no thanks to you, I should be off probation in three months.

Oh, hey, bro. What are you doing here?

Oh, Danny, thank God.

What the hell happened to you?

I know, I finally lost that gut, right?

Looking pretty good.

Looking like you ate you!

And why are you dressed as your old, loser high school hockey coach?

Because I just replaced him.

Coach? You're a New York ranger.

Well, if I hadn't spent all of my time partying with you maybe I still would be.

Yeah, way to rub salt in that wound.

What is happening?

One minute I'm talking about how much I hate Christmas to some crabby Pageant director, and the next...

Oh my God, it's her.

She made Christmas disappear.

Who's Chris Moss?

I think he's Dave's brother.

You, what did you do to Christmas?

Oh, is that the bartenders name?

I didn't do anything to him... yet.

Who are you?

You know exactly who I am.

Now you put my life back together or...

Oh, calm down, Ben.

Stress is very unhealthy.

You do know me. You just called me Ben.

Did I? Or is it just a term of endearment?

Be a Ben and get me another drink.

Okay, look, I know I said I hated Christmas, but I need you to tell me how to get Emma back.

Well, I'm no expert, but it sounds like you need to figure out how to get back this cream cheese thing and maybe that'll bring back this Emma person.

Wait, are you saying that if I figure out how to get people to believe in Christmas, I'll get Emma back?

Sure, but then again, I'm hammered.

(Bell rings)

Would you lighten up? I'm doing my best.

Hey, Ben, we need to...

Quick question, why is there a tree in my living room?

It's a holiday tradition.

The tree symbolizes...

It's a holiday tradition.

Okay, well, here's an idea for a new tradition, stop acting crazy.

God, Jeffrey's gonna be pissed you wasted so much toilet paper on this thing.

Hey, dude, what's the emergency?

I was on my way to the gym.

(Chuckles) Not really.

Yeah, and I had to clock out early.

And you don't get a free sausage unless you work the full 12 hours.

I was just about to make a mixtape for my night of loving with your dad.

I hope he still likes show tunes.

Okay, okay. Well everybody calm down, okay?

We're gonna have Christmas, all right?

Its a wonderful and joyful holiday, all right?

Now sit here, okay, and drink this eggnog, and be joyful, damn it!

Ben, the last time you handed me something and said, "drink this,"

I woke up next to a mini pig named Elvis.

Yeah, well, you know what? You guys are gonna be really happy when you open these presents.

Okay. All right. There we go.

They're more representative of the whole present thing.

I didn't have much time to shop, so...

Wow.

How did you know I would want one of my own plates?

A puck?

I'm a hockey coach, Ben. I get these for free.

I've got two in my pants right now.

Thanks, Ben. Beer.

What a unique gift.

Especially since I work in a beer garden.

Yeah, I'll take those.

Ray needs to have a couple before we get to it.

He's shy.

Okay, all right. You know what? Let's keep it moving with another wonderful holiday tradition, the singing of the Christmas song, okay?

Are you guys ready? All right.

♪ Deck the halls with bows of holly ♪
♪ fa la la la la la la la ♪

Okay, Ben. I didn't want to say this earlier, but have you maybe had a little bit too much of the...

(Inhales sharply)

And if you have, could I borrow some?

It helps your dad to relax.

Well, this has been a huge waste of time.

N... no, no, no, no, no. You guys can't go.

You have to believe in Christmas.

Danny, don't you remember? It's your favorite holiday.

Halloween is my favorite holiday.

I answer the door with this painted like a Jack-o'-Lantern.

Kids love it.

Yeah, and I have to get back to work.

You might have time to decorate a tree with toilet paper and sing some lame song, but some of us have to make a respectable living.

I'm in the management program, so...

You guys, please, we need to get this right.

We need to deck the halls, and trim the tree, and drink the nog, and sing the songs.

But no matter what we do we have to do it together as a family and just love the crap out of each other.

Hey, what's going on?

Jeffrey, no, you get the hell out of here!

Don't you understand?

If I don't bring back Christmas, I can't bring Emma back.

Mom, don't you remember?

You moved here to the city to be closer to her.

You're the best grandma in the whole world.

And you're Uncle Danny.

Emma's everything to you. She's your good luck charm.

She's never missed a game.

And Riley, I want Emma to grow up to be just like you. You're her role model.

Not your moment, mom!

And Tucker, dude, you're her favorite, and if you weren't so open and understanding about us living here, I'd probably be on the street right now.

All right, I love you guys, but I don't even know who I am if I'm not a dad.

She's what makes us a family, okay? Don't you see that?

(Bell rings)

(Baby crying)

Emma!

Oh my God, you're back.

I promise I'll never let you disappear again, okay.

Hi.

Hi, sweetheart. Hi.

I don't care about how many lines I have to stand in, how many crowds I have to fight, or how much gay apparel I have to don, you are the best present Christmas has ever given me.

I love you, okay.

Here. Come on.

Oh my God, everyone look.

It's Emma. Emma's home.

Yeah, she lives here. You have a kid... weirdo.

Oh my God, I missed you all so much.

Dude, we are gonna cut down on the partying.

I will not let you get thrown off the rangers.

And you... if I had my way, you'll never sell wieners in this town again.

And Tucker, I'm gonna be a better friend.

You'll never need a Jeffrey.

What's a Jeffrey?

Exactly.

Now, let's all make the best Christmas ever.

Well, it's a little late for that.

You ruined dinner.

And the tree.

And the Pageant. Maybe next year, Benji.

No, no, no. It's not too late.

We can still do it, and I know exactly how.

♪ Oh come ♪
♪ all ye faithful ♪
♪ joyful and triumphant ♪
♪ oh come ye ♪
♪ oh come ye ♪
♪ to Bethlehem ♪

All: ♪ oh come all ye faithful ♪
♪ joyful and triumphant ♪
♪ oh come ye oh come ye ♪
♪ to Bethlehem ♪
♪ come and behold him ♪
♪ born the king of angels ♪
♪ oh come let us adore him ♪
♪ oh come let us adore him ♪
♪ oh come let us adore him ♪
♪ Christ the Lord ♪

Come here.

Merry Christmas, Emma.

Okay, everyone, dinner is ready.

Bonnie: Yes!

Danny: I can't wait, I am starving.

(Cheers turn to groans)

I don't know what that used to be honey, but I sure feel bad for it.

Should we carve it or just chip off a corner?

You guys, come on.

Riley tried her best, and she did it for us.

Besides, it's Christmas. All that matters is that we're together.

(Knocking)

Did you invite someone else to dinner?

I may have ordered a back-up pizza.

Oh, thank God.

Oh my God, that was such a good idea.

Merry Christmas, everyone.

All: Merry Christmas.

Hey, does anyone have $20 for that pizza?

Oh my God.