"Melissa & Joey" is recorded in front of a live studio audience.
Shhh! Hold it down.
So what did the doctor say?
Gone just like that, huh?
All right. Yeah, I'll break the news to the office.
Yeah, go ahead, send him flowers.
Something cheap. I never really liked the guy.
A little respect for the dead, Burke.
Nothing d*ed except our softball team's sh*t at the trophy.
Our intern Brian broke his arm, or his leg or something.
You know what he broke?
He broke my heart because he's not playing now.
Your first baseman? He was your best player.
You've got no team without him.
What are you gonna do?
Lose badly and often.
Joe, didn't you play first base in college?
No, I did not.
You told me you were MVP two years in a row.
Three. ( Chuckles )
Damn.
Hey, Joe, how'd you like to play on our one-game-from-the-finals office softball team?
I can't. I don't work in your office.
It's the government. No one checks.
No one balances. No one cares.
There's no way I'm playing for the "Bad News Burkes."
Oh please, I would never come up with a name that lame.
We're called "Mel's Angels."
Is there swag?
Like what?
I don't know-- a watch, a mountain bike, a spa gift bag.
You'd get a profound sense of satisfaction.
I was born with that.
Joe!
Forget it, all right? There's no way you're talking me into this.
And Mel's angels is one win away from the trophy!
Whoo-hoo!
Whoo! Thanks to the mighty bat of my first baseman, Joe "Longball" Longo.
Not to mention the amazing unassisted double play by the second baseman in the seventh inning.
Yeah. Did you enjoy my unassisted double-play dance?
I'm a little hazy on it.
How did that go again?
Like this.
Oh, like-- okay.
Mm-hmm, all right, Joe.
Little hip, okay.
Go, Longo. Go, Longo.
It's so gross when they get along.
Don't look at it.
Now aren't you glad I talked you into joining the team?
Wait a minute. Back up. You didn't talk me into it.
You told me the plusses and minuses. I made my own decision.
Yeah, after I talked you into it.
You're unbelievable. Everything's gotta be your way.
Well, I like things the correct way, which just happens to be my way.
( Groans )
Yay, they're back.
( Theme music playing )
♪ I guess you're stuck ♪
♪ with me. ♪
All right, guys, we've got a lot at stake here.
The people of district seven elected us for a reason-- to win the softball league trophy.
Stephanie: Whoo!
All right. Now I know we've got budget gaps, and libraries closing, but this is something we can actually succeed at.
Now we were this close to winning last year when it was snatched out from under us by the councilman who shall not be named.
Hancock. Herbert Hancock.
Councilwoman Burke.
Herbert, always a pleasure to see you.
Talk up and down your big win all about and your new superstar.
Which one of these fine... ( Chuckles ) athletic specimens is "Longball" Longo?
He's not here.
How convenient.
People leave their offices all the time.
If I went to your office right now, you'd be out.
That's how it is with Joe too.
I see. What exactly does this Joe Longo do?
He's Mel's nan--
Manager, manager.
He's my office manager.
So if I come back later today or tomorrow I'll see him?
I've seen him many many times working.
Here. Doing his job.
Managing things.
Ahem.
I look forward to seeing him.
Joe doesn't work here.
Or does he?
( Phone rings )
Oh, I'll get that.
Councilwoman Burke's office.
I'm answering the next one.
Hey, how's everything going here?
Good good good. Bored out of my mind.
Do me a favor-- Would you punch me in the face?
I want to feel something.
Oh, come on.
In two hours we're having cake for Lisa in Parking Enforcement.
Ca-- you just had cake.
No, that was for Nathan in Animal Control, and it was before lunch.
This one's totally different-- it's gonna be yellow.
You know what? I'm gonna go home.
No no no no no.
Come on, we'll find something for you to do.
Okay, you're really good at reorganizing my closet at home.
We have a really messy closet here too.
Nah, I don't wanna organize it.
What kind of closet is it?
Huge supply closet.
Come on, it's a disaster.
No one can find anything in there.
I guess it wouldn't hurt to take a look.
Go team.
Hey, Lennox.
Hey, Holly.
Well, that's odd. She didn't say she loved my short story.
You gave it to her, right?
Well, of course, but not yet.
You see, as editor of the literary blog, she's really busy and impossible to track down.
Maybe the girl who just went in the kitchen knows where you can find her.
It'd be a shame if my story didn't get posted and things got weird between us.
Really, that could happen?
That could happen.
Be right back.
( Chuckles )
Thanks, squeaky mouse.
Hey, I meant to give you this.
It has Holly's short story for exclusive publication in "The Grant Rant."
She could've taken it anywhere, but she came to you first.
Seriously?
You think I'm gonna publish her story just because you two are going out?
But it's really good.
Oh, so you've read it.
I'm afraid to...
'Cause I may not like it and I think she can read my thoughts.
You are truly sad.
But sad with a girlfriend.
Who wants a frosted piece of heaven?
Burke, disaster averted.
Look what I found-- typewriter ribbon.
Yeah, I'm gonna donate this to the museum of crap that no one uses anymore.
Cake, Joe? I saved you half my flower.
Thank you, Stephanie.
So this is the yellow cake I've heard so much about?
Joe, this is very important for office morale.
Yeah, 'cause nothing brings an office together like...
Fat and cholesterol.
Ding-dong. I smell cake.
Councilman Hancock, I'd like you to meet Joe Longo.
Surprised to see you here, Longo.
Why would you be surprised? He works here, don't you?
Yes, I do.
And you're the office manager, right?
That's what they tell me.
You must know your way around.
Tell me this-- if I wanted to walk down the hall to the men's room, which way would I turn?
To the right and down the stairs.
Oh, and stall number three is out of order.
Do not go in there.
You win this round, Longo.
But I'll be back-- maybe tomorrow, maybe the next day.
You never know when I might show up.
Oh, that went great.
Great? What are you talking about?
He said he could come back at any time.
Oh, don't worry. He only comes back when there's cake.
You-- you have cake twice a day.
I guess you're gonna have to stay here the whole week.
Uh, doing what exactly?
I was just in the supply closet looking for a blue highlighter, and there it was on a shelf with a label.
How did that happen?
Just a little angel named Joe.
Whoo!
Come on, now.
I didn't do it for the praise.
I just did what anyone else would've done in there.
Way to go, Longball.
( Chuckles )
So what's for dinner?
Breakfast.
So you read Holly's short story, you loved it and you're gonna publish it, right?
Please say yes.
The story's missing some things.
Like what?
A beginning, a middle, an end.
But other than that, it sucks.
I'm sorry, but I run a literary blog and we have standards.
Come on.
I'm already on boyfriend probation.
I'm just saying it's silly for me to be sitting there all week long with nothing important to do.
But you did a hell of a job in the supply closet.
Oh, that was a closet.
Albeit a very challenging closet, but still, I need something worthy of my skills.
What's that?
Well, that's my dinner.
It's pretty good.
Oh. Give me three minutes, I'll have something hot on the table.
Aunt Mel, would you please read Holly's story and tell Lennox how good it is?
Oh no no.
I'm not getting in the middle of that.
That little pit bull scares the hell out of me.
I mean, not in a bad way. She's sweet. I love her.
I'll save you the trouble.
The story's not good.
You never do anything for me.
I made you dinner.
All right, fine. I'd be willing to sit down with Holly and work through the story to see if we can't make it barely passable.
That's all I'm asking. I'm sure she'd be open to that.
Oh hey, Joe, before I forget, everybody's got to be in tomorrow at 8:00 for a sexual harassment seminar.
Oh, the guy who does it has the cutest butt.
You just want to grab it.
You're really putting a lot of emphasis on winning this stupid little trophy, you know that?
It's a big trophy, okay? It's bigger than Stephanie.
You do realize I'm not actually your office manager, though, right?
But you could be.
As of tomorrow, I am releasing all of your Longo-ness.
You are completely in charge.
I'm gonna be office manager?
The whole week.
I do have some ideas about increasing efficiency around there.
Listen to you, all efficiency.
"Joe Longo, executive ninja."
Ooh! I like that.
Holly, you don't need all this background information.
You could just start the story on page three.
The story starts on page one.
That's why it's called "page one."
How about we compromise and start on page two?
No. Why are you giving me all these comments?
Ryder told me you just wanted to get together to tell me how great my story is.
What?
Well, sure, but if there's some tiny thing that could be improved, you could make what is great even greater.
Like what happened to my life when you got added to it.
You know what, Ryder?
I just don't feel like I have a partner in this relationship anymore.
Are you breaking up with me?
I think it's kind of mutual.
No. No no no, don't! Please.
This is what's best for all of us.
Except for you.
No, but your story was great and I loved all your unnecessary background crap--
I mean gems.
Lennox, what did you do?
What did do?
You told me she'd be open to my feedback.
You lied to both of us.
Well, sure, what choice did I have?
Why do you even put up with Holly?
'Cause I really like her.
Seven hours in the police department conference room.
Bad lighting anyone? Not one of those cops hit on me, probably because of the bad lighting.
How's everything here?
Couldn't be going better, but it's gonna be.
I came up with a reward system to increase constituent call volume.
As long as you didn't hurt your throwing arm.
What? No, that's fine. Hancock stopped by, though, just to say hi. Yeah.
Oh, I gotta go. I gotta show the I.T. Guys how that new software works. I'll be right back.
Oh, Rajiv, Ajay, let's make this happen, guys. Come on.
Did you see that? My amazing first baseman/office manager is actually happy to be here.
He's the only one. Look.
"A memo to all staff from Joe Longo, office manager."
How did he get his own letterhead?
Just read.
"To boost efficiencies and eliminate distractions, all office personnel are hereby barred from using Facebook."
What?!
I know! I wanted to post how upset I was, but I couldn't.
"Furthermore, in order to eliminate redundancies in birthday celebrations, "office birthdays will be accrued and celebrated quarterly."
Today is my birthday.
Of course it is, birthday girl.
That's why I got you...
A surprise.
Well, never mind, because I've been accrued.
We'll be celebrating it in two months with a cake that says "Happy Birthday, alls y'all."
Don't worry. You are gonna have your cake, little missy.
New speech, Chamber of Commerce, Wednesday.
Hey, Wyatt, wait. How's your mom doing?
Is she off that heart-lung machine?
I wouldn't know.
Personal calls have been banned.
Really?
Yeah. I've gotta get back before Warden Longo notices I'm away from my post.
Joe: Wyatt, why do I see an empty desk out here?
Gotta go.
Are you gonna talk to Joe or are you gonna weasel out because he's the ticket to your precious softball trophy?
Don't worry.
I'll talk to him.
Hey, I just got out of the break room.
Do we really need 17 different kinds of herbal tea in there?
So, Joe, a lot of changes in the last couple of hours.
Yeah, it's really humming out there, huh? You don't have to thank me.
It just feels good to get my office mojo back.
Yeah, I can see that.
Can we go big picture here for a minute though?
Absolutely. Yeah, I am all yours for 60 seconds. Go.
Okay, well, you know it's a team effort here and the captain of that team is obviously--
Me, the office manager.
One more guess.
What? You?
No, not you. You're the team owner.
We're all doing this for you. We're busting our butts to make money-- lots of money.
Or whatever it is that you guys do here in this office.
It's the government.
It's not for profit. It's for service.
So when you send out memos without my approval, on stationery I don't know how you got, it's-- well, let me just put it this way-- it doesn't piss me on.
Mel, you told me I could make this office more efficient.
You told me to unleash my executive ninja.
Now you want me to just handcuff my ninja?
My ninja's not gonna be handcuffed.
If I'm gonna handcuff my ninja, I might as well go home.
No no no no no! I need you.
No, you need me to play on the softball team.
No no no, we need you for our team here, not just the softball team.
Everybody here loves you.
I mean, trust me. I would tell you if they didn't.
I don't keep things from you.
( All whispering ) ♪ Happy Birthday to you. ♪
Make a wish, Stephanie.
There's not enough room.
Come on, blow out the candles before the sprinkler system goes off.
( All whisper ) Yay!
Shh!
Holly texted me. She's on her way over.
That's a good sign, don't you think?
Good sign of the apocalypse.
I'm sure she's just rethinking the breakup and wants to talk it over. Or k*ll you.
( Doorbell chimes )
Do you want me to stay and help you handle this or provide first aid?
No. No, that's fine.
( Sighs )
Holly. Won't you come in and be my girlfriend?
Ryder, we are estranged, so I thought it best if I took back certain mementos of our time together.
We'll start with that shirt.
But you gave me this shirt. I love this shirt.
And that's why we're starting with it.
Take it off.
I hope you have a t-shirt on underneath, because I don't want to see your bony sternum.
( Sighs ) Look, I just want you to know that Lennox isn't saying she won't publish your story.
She just wants to work with you to make it better.
I hate to admit it, but my sister really does know a lot about this writing stuff.
Maybe you should listen to her.
Shirt.
( Sighs )
I'm just glad she forgot she gave me these pants.
( Knocks )
Burke, you got a minute?
( Shower running )
Mel: What?
Okay, well, I rearranged the office schedule so we could fit in a few more batting practices before Saturday's game.
Mel: Okay.
And I know you wanted to put off finding a new intern, but why wait, you know?
So I scheduled 14 candidates for you to meet, all right?
We're gonna have to cancel your lunch, but that's how it goes.
You did what?
Can we just talk about this later?
Sure, I'm actually gonna head into the office early.
I've gotta show Hanna how to make a proper cup of coffee.
I'll see you there.
( Door shuts ) - ( Shower stops )
Only three more days of Joe.
Trophy, trophy, trophy, trophy!
All right, everybody, let's rock 'n' roll.
I gotta get to work.
Huh. "I gotta get to work."
I love saying that. I just love saying that.
Oh, hey, I wanted to tell you, I've decided to publish Holly's story the way she wrote it.
Don't mess with me, Lennox, 'cause I'm kinda fragile right now.
No, I'm gonna post it as is.
Why would you change your mind?
Well, you know, I respect her artistic vision.
It's not the way I would've done it, but there's a place for what she's written.
You feel sorry for me?
So much.
Well, thank you but, you know, Holly really does have a lot of special qualities.
Keep telling yourself that.
How I get through the day.
( Dog barks )
( People chattering )
( Mel sighs )
Wow, we made it.
Yeah, I can't believe we got to the championship game.
Actually, I was thinking we made it through a week with Joe Longo.
I don't know if I'm ever gonna see him the same way again.
I was wrong.
When did he get here?
Oh, he's been here for hours.
He wanted to scout the opponents, watch them at batting practice.
He even sent them a muffin basket so they'd be sleepy by the third inning.
Councilwoman Burke.
Hancock.
You can touch it if you like.
Close as you're gonna get.
Wow. That is gonna look so good on my desk.
May the best team win.
Oh, thank you, we will.
All right, Chuck, here's our lineup card.
I already got your lineup card from Longball over there.
What? But I do the lineup cards.
Than what's this?
All right, let's play some ball.
Scotty, throw some doughnuts on this bat, take some warm-up swings.
Hey, Joe, listen-- just a little thing.
You know, the team captain is the one who does the lineup cards.
Oh, Mel, let's not get all caught up on titles and labels.
I mean, I am the office manager, but we need to do what's best for the team.
Oh really? Then why is Orenstein hitting sixth?
He's a contact hitter. He should be batting second.
And this isn't about me, but I always lead off-- always.
And that's not just to get the game-opening applause and the airhorn ovation.
I put you third because the best hitters always hit third and fourth.
Trust me, this is the most efficient lineup for the team.
That's right.
You know the most efficient way to do everything, just like at the office.
I don't see anybody else at the office complaining about it.
Oh, that's 'cause we were all hiding in the closet having birthday cake.
You were--
What?
Nothing. You know, ahem--
Never mind. Let's just-- let's just focus on this game.
Wait a minute, wait a minute. You blatantly ignored my office memo that we were accruing all office birthdays?
That's right. Yeah, we all hid from you.
We had a birthday cake in the supply closet, a great big, giant birthday cake, and it tasted even better because you weren't there.
Hey, I am the office manager here, Burke.
No no, you're the fake office manager, okay?
You're like the blow-up doll you put in the passenger seat so you can get on the carpool lane.
You're only here to win this baseball game for us.
Let me finish.
Okay, I'm done.
Well well well, Longo's a ringer.
I am shocked. Shocked.
Mr. Umpire, I don't know what to say.
I do. Game over.
Mel's Angels are disqualified.
What? Wait. What? You can't do that. That's not fair.
The guy doesn't work at your office.
But-- well, but-but-but--
I-- but I really wanted to win.
I mean, I even made a space on my desk for the trophy.
I'm sorry, you guys. I don't know what to say.
Mel, look, I don't want to ruin this for you and for the whole team, so hold on a minute.
Ump, there's been a big mistake here, okay?
This team deserves to play in this game.
I'll tell you what. I will take my uniform off for you right now.
Too late.
At least let him take off the uniform.
What could it hurt?
Listen, Burke, you and I have had our differences, but today I think I can safely say...
Loser! ( Laughs )
Oh. Oh, trophy wants to talk to you.
Bye-bye, Mel. See you-- never.
( Chuckles ) Good one, trophy.
Well, there goes a real class act.
I don't know what to say, Mel.
Better luck next year.
Yeah, I know.
You know, I stayed up late last night choreographing my league championship victory dance.
I'm sure everybody still wants to see that.
No. No.
All right. No? Okay.
Well, then I'll just see y'all back at the office on Monday.
( All cheer )
Whoo! Can we see it, Mel?
All right. Five, six, seven, eight.
Whoo!
Go, Mel. Go, Mel.
Go, Mel. Go, Mel.
Go, Mel. Go, Mel. Whoo!
Whoo-hoo!
I forgot to tell you...
Last night, all the guys and I went out drinking after the game that we almost played, and Wyatt got a little chatty.
Exactly how many birthday parties did you have in that supply closet?
Okay, they weren't parties.
How many?
One.
Six, and Theresa's baby shower, although that was not easy. She is huge.
There you go, squeaky mouse.
I'm so glad my shirt is back.
And?
And you, scary bear.
Oh, are you going to ask her?
Absolutely.
Aunt Mel? Holly's looking for a summer internship with a councilperson, and she was wondering-- - I gotta go.
I know.