"Melissa & Joey" is recorded in front of a live studio audience.
Joe, where are my shoes?
Box in the corner marked "Mel's crap I keep tripping over."
( gasps ) My babies!
Awww! These should be in a box marked "things I like better than you."
And it would be a really big box.
It's all right. You can take it all out on me. I can handle it.
I've got thick skin. It's currently covered in three months' of drywall dust.
( phone ringing )
Hey. Yeah. I'm still getting dressed.
I'll be on my way in 10 minutes.
What? The reporters are leaving? Well, tell them to wait!
You-- I don't know. Throw donuts at them.
Not the crullers though!
Sure, I don't mind holding. Here, Ryder, you hold.
No, I have to go to the bathroom.
Multitask!
Fine. I can hold both.
Where was I? Oh yes, annoyed with you.
It's a renovation. You know there are always minor inconveniences.
Yeah, minor to the person who's not here all day long.
Not so minor to the guy who has to unplug the coffeemaker in order to hook up the microwave.
Not so minor to the guy who has to breathe in paint fumes all day long, not to mention whatever's coming out of that port-a-potty in the backyard.
But, you know, what do you care? I mean you spend all day in a nice air-conditioned office giving out keys to the city, you know banging on your, um... gavel.
You have no idea what I do, do you?
No, not a clue.
Yeah, Joe, you're forgetting what's most important about all this: I am finally getting my dream house-- except you're in it.
Besides, we're over the hump.
No.
No, I think we're all still getting humped.
Yeah, I wish that there was more cereal.
Okay, come on, Aunt Mel. It would be nice if one day our kitchen was actually in the kitchen.
And I wasn't sharing a room with Joe.
Oh, you think I like sharing a room with Lennox?
Well, I do! And here's the pretty girl now.
You stepped on my head on the way to the bathroom again.
See, toe prints?
You get to go to the bathroom?
Joe, I know you have issues with Leo, but as contractors go--
He goes slowly.
Drop it, Joe, all right?
I'll check in with you when I have a break.
Uh, Mel, uh, where are you going?
To work, Leo, to talk to reporters about the city's new bike lanes and bang my gavel.
But you can't go. The trench guy is here.
And when he starts digging, he could hit tree roots, a gas line, mummified human remains.
It happens. The point is the homeowner has to say go left or go right.
Can't we just reschedule?
Okay, but this guy isn't available for another...
Three to 12 weeks.
Three to 12? What kind of window is that?
Aunt Mel, she says the reporters are leaving.
What?! no no no no no, okay.
Sacrifice the crullers. All right, don't do anything yet.
I-- ( growls ) damn, my two worlds are colliding.
Right now you're gonna have to pick one.
It's like "Sophie's choice," if Sophie were renovating her kitchen.
Come here, Burke.
I'm gonna suggest something to you that I should have suggested a long time ago.
Why don't you just go downtown and let me manage this construction job?
No.
Why not?
Simple: I like things done my way.
I can do your way, only better.
Come on, I'm, like, made for this job.
I'm here all day long. I know construction.
I like telling people what to do, you know, almost as much as you do.
Yeah, but I need to be in charge.
I like controlling the things that are mine.
Mel, I got five guys out there waiting. Where should we dig?
Sophie, your choice.
Talk to... talk to Joe.
See? Now did that hurt?
( sighs ) Like tweezing my toe hairs.
( theme music playing )
♪ I guess you're stuck ♪
♪ with me. ♪
I am a city council goddess.
Seven yays, no nays. There will be bike paths.
And cute guys in bike shorts.
Can I get a "nice butt"?
Speaking of butts, I've been busting mine all day long.
You know that silk granite sink that they said we couldn't get?
Well, got it. I had Leo pull it off another job.
Whoo hoo! I mean how terrible for them.
Would it k*ll you to just say thank you?
Hmm, we'll never know.
I am awesome beyond human understanding.
I knew you two were sharing a room, I didn't realize you two were sharing an ego.
You know that play I wrote? The drama club is going to produce it.
Oh, that's great! Which play?
The one-act I gave you guys to read a week ago.
Yeah, what'd you think of it?
Oh, that one.
It's so good.
I mean it's, like, amazing how you got all that play into that one little act. Right, Joe?
Oh Yeah. Let me tell you something, Lennox, you really, um... you really wrote that thing.
Thank you!
We're casting it tomorrow so I have a lot of work to do.
Hey, did you read your sister's play?
Of course.
I'm a good person.
What? Don't judge me.
Some people work.
I Work. This sandwich didn't make itself.
You're right-- I made it.
Tell you what? How about I write you guys a summary so you can fake it through your next conversation better?
You really think I've sunk that low?
'cause I have. Thank you so much.
How come you can thank him but you can't thank me?
Hmm, funny, isn't it?
So how did the trench digging go?
Wait wait, was it bad? Do I need a drink first?
Wouldn't you have a drink anyway?
Yeah, I would.
It's 6:00, what are Leo's guys still doing here?
Bible study. What do you think?
They always go home at 5:00.
New regime.
Everybody works till it gets dark. I have to get this job back on schedule.
The indulging and coddling stops now.
How are you going to make up time if everybody's b*rned out?
I don't know. They can sleep on the drive home.
You know, I find that if you treat people better, they work better.
If you want this job done in your lifetime, let your contraction manager do his job.
"Joseph P. Longo, construction manager"?
Yeah-- Embossed. You see that?
So blind people will know you have a fake job?
Make all the fun you want. You'll see how I turn this job around in the next couple of days.
( sighs ) whatever. I am going upstairs to read in the tub. there's no water up there, Mel.
Yeah?
Well, cold porcelain turns me on.
Leo: Hey, Joe, you got a minute?
Sure.
What's up, Leo?
Yeah, can you give these to Mel?
Copper prices are way up, so the plumbing bid's going to be 15% more, she just needs to initial the price increase.
I can do that for you.
Great.
Those initials are going to be "N-O."
You bid the job at one price and that's the price we're paying, Buddy.
But the price went up.
When'd you put the order in on the copper?
You know what? I'm calling Mel.
I'm not paying for your mistakes, pal.
Yeah, Mel Burke, please.
Mel Burke, please.
It's Leo calling about the kitchen.
It's Joe calling about Leo.
You're going down, Buddy.
Oh hey, Mel?
Yeah listen, a little problem. I just--
That is all handled. Thank you, Mel. Have a good day.
That won't end well.
We're not paying a dime more than the original bid, all right? Period.
Joe, you're cutting into my profit.
Well, too bad.
If you can't do it, I'll just find someone else who can.
Believe me, that'll cut into your profit.
I don't like to be threatened.
I don't like to be blackmailed.
Blackmail?!
I'm sorry, my apologies.
What you're actually doing here is extortion.
You're nuts! I don't need to work for people like you.
Joseph P. Longo, I quit.
Oh ho ho ho!
Oh, you did not just do that.
Oh!
Look at all that. Paper is everywhere.
You think you're so smart, huh?
I got a whole box of these right here.
Hey, guys, Auntie's home.
Where have you been? I need to vent.
You know, I've already enjoyed today's vent, so I'm gonna head upstairs.
Uh no, you're my witness.
You have to validate how terribly I've been treated.
Okay, hit me with your drama stick.
I-- She just--
( growls )
Uh, yeah, I'll translate.
Her play got censored by the principal.
Oh, so she cut a few things?
She cut the entire play.
Wow, that's a big cut.
Yeah, and now we can't perform it-- for totally arbitrary reasons.
But your play's so sweet. Especially the part where...
Where...
The power-mad principal gets torn apart by wolves?
Yes! What?! you wrote that?
Damn straight! Thanks for reading it.
Okay, tell me what else is in there. Give me the b*llet points.
So an evil high school principal imprisons her students and cuts out their tongues.
And then one day she suddenly realizes her entire career has been spent silencing the voices of the innocents.
In revulsion of what she's done, she wanders off into the woods And--
The wolves rip her limb from limb and she bleeds like a fire hydrant.
That's my favorite part.
So you fed your principal to the wild animals.
Allegorically.
Sweetie, you can't write stuff like that.
I have to! I can't just watch while Principal Lundt turns the school into a police state.
She instituted random locker searches.
And don't get me started about the open-toe shoe ban.
Lennox, as much as I support the right to bare toes, I can't support you on this one.
What happened to my cool Aunt Mel?
Cool Aunt Mel doesn't want to see you get expelled.
Lundt can't let you perform something like that at school. It's disrespectful.
Well Yeah.
Look, I want you to go to college, you know? So you're not living here for the rest of your life, as delightful as you are.
( drill whirring )
Wow, Joe's really cracking the whip.
Those guys are here late.
Oh no, there's no guys.
That's just Joe.
Just Joe?!
Don't worry, Aunt Mel. Joe said it was all good.
What?
Nothing to worry about.
Oh my God! Joe?
Oh, hey, Mel, does this cabinet look level to you?
Joe, isn't that something Leo the contractor should be doing?
Yeah, but he got called away on personal business.
And he took his tools and his sawhorses and his guys?
I guess, yeah.
So what is this personal business that Leo got called away to do?
I would categorize it as a... hissy fit.
Well, what did you do to him?
What did I do to him? Why do you assume I did something to him?
Why don't you assume that Leo did something to me-- which, by the way, he did.
All right, I'm along for the ride. What did Leo do?
He tried to charge us 15% more for the copper, that's what he tried to do.
And I said "No way" And, you know, and some...
Words were exchanged and he took his stuff and he left.
Bbbb-- Go back to the "Words were exchanged" part and break that down a little better for me.
He's gonna claim that he quit.
He quit?!
No! It's just posturing.
You don't have a lot of experience With these high-level negotiations, do you?
Uh, only every day.
Oh Yeah, you're right. The gavel stuff, right yeah.
Don't worry, he's coming back, okay?
How do you know? What if he never comes back?
I'm going to spend the rest of my life bathing in dry tubs surrounded by cats.
We don't have any cats.
Once they find out we don't have any walls, they'll be here!
( chuckles ) Will you relax?
What these guys do is not rocket science, okay?
You know what I've done today all by myself? Hung up three cabinets, tiled the shower upstairs and I stained all the floors up there too.
Really? You?
Yeah. Stop gushing. You're welcome.
By the way, the floors up there?
They look beautiful. You're gonna love it.
Don't anyone go upstairs. There's like this glue all over the floor and it won't let go of your shoes.
That's not supposed to happen. It's wood stain, dude.
It dries in just--
72 hours.
So we can't go upstairs the rest of the week?
That's great, Joe, because I can wear this skirt for three days.
It's designed to go from work to sleep to sleep to work to work to sleep, sleep to work.
Uh, the floors upstairs are all sticky.
Yeah, isn't it amazing what Joe's been able to accomplish in just one day?
( door opens )
It's all yours. Pee quietly, I'm trying not to wake up.
You've got it.
Jeez, Lennox, gimme some of the blanket.
( shrieks )
What the hell?
I touched pec.
What are you doing in my bed, Burke, besides feeling me up?
Cringing. Can someone turn on a light?
Burke, how long have you been in this bed with me? I need to know.
Long enough to be traumatized-- About two seconds.
Yay, everybody's awake.
Yeah, how could anyone sleep?
I was sleeping just fine until the night groper came in here.
I might actually need a support group now.
It was an accident. All right, I'm gonna go sleep in a park where it's safer.
Oh, will you calm down?
Please?
I am calm.
I am very calm for someone whose beautiful home renovation was wrecked in one day by "Joseph P. Longo, construction m--" these things are all over the place!
Can't we just get Leo back?
Yeah, just apologize.
You know? Tell him we made a mistake.
I'm gonna call him in the morning.
No, you cannot do that.
We'll lose every advantage that we have.
What the hell kind of advantage do we have?
Yeah, we're sleeping on old air mattresses from the garage that smell like skunk pee.
Oh, that's what that is?
Okay, look, you know what?
Everybody just relax here. Look, we are at a very critical point in the negotiations.
We have to stay unified. Remember, we all have a common enemy.
Not me-- Leo!
Joe, are you sure Leo's gonna show up?
Yes.
Just keep a lookout, all right?
You know what, Burke? I have to tell you--
After a lousy night's sleep, you don't look half bad.
Why, thank you, Joe.
You know the whole saving grace to this thing is that I actually get to use my emergency panties I always carry around in my purse.
It's a good thing that they're bright orange.
This way rescue helicopters can find you.
Lennox, you look like crap.
Wow, thank you, Aunt Mel, but I'm in character.
For the play? I thought you weren't doing it.
Oh no, not only are we still doing it, but I'm playing the lead. And thanks to a bad night's sleep, and total lack of hair products, I'll look as gross as that tyrant Principal Lundt.
But she banned the play.
On school grounds.
But Commissar Lundt does not control the park across the street.
Wow, I'm torn!
On the one hand, I'm proud of you for figuring out the work around.
And on the other hand, can't you have a little less integrity like the rest of us?
Mm, as appealing as that is, no. If I back down now, I'll be backing down the rest of my life.
Hey, I think I see Leo's truck.
What did I tell you guys?
Huh? I told you he'd come crawling back.
And like clockwork...
( truck passing )
There is somebody else's truck.
Don't worry. You know what? I'm sure the very next truck will also not be his.
There's plenty of chess moves left in this game, okay?
In the meantime, I'm gonna get some more work done and when Leo and his guys get back here, they'll just have more catch up, that's all.
( saw whirrs )
All: No!
What? I blew a fuse.
Yeah, me too! A long time ago.
It'll be back on in 10 seconds.
You've got to fix this, all right?
I cannot spend another night in a room with that guy.
Doesn't anyone else hear him talking in his sleep?
"Ladies. Ladies, please.
There's enough Joe to go around."
Yeah, you have got to do something!
Okay, the fright look is good for today, but tomorrow I need to go back to natural, effortless beauty.
And that takes product.
Guys, I can get this back on track.
Okay, I know how to deal with bullheaded men.
You just stand up to them, you look them right in the eyes and you say... who likes banana bread?
Does Leo? Come on, I baked it just for you.
Okay, I bought it just for you!
Come on, please, come back to the job, Leo.
Please! Please please please please please please Please please! - Oh, Mel, I like you a lot, but business is business.
And costs are costs.
Well, look what is underneath the bread.
A check-- a check with some banana grease on it, but you know how you get that out? By cashing it.
And nobody has to know about this except you and me.
Uh, but next time order the copper before you start the job.
Okay, but I still gotta work with Joe, right?
No, there is no Joe. Forget Joe.
He's leaving?
No, he's-- he's incredibly valuable with the kids and other areas of my life and I would never do anything to undermine his authority, but...
But just nod at whatever the hell he says and then call me.
How is that not undermining his authority?
It is not undermining. It is just creating a separate secret line of authority that leads from you to me.
You grew up in politics.
I did.
Hey!
Hey, can we go out to dinner tonight?
Sure. Wait, are we celebrating?
Did the play go well?
No, principal Lundt got word about what we were doing and showed up. Yeah, she sat right in front for the whole performance.
So you're in trouble.
If only.
She loved it! She said it had the pathos and scope of a greek tragedy.
She wants me to enter it in the state drama competition.
I made her proud to be an educator.
Ughh!!
Hey, whoa, isn't it good that people liked it?
All I wanted to do was make a statement about censorship, artistic expression and piss that woman off.
Oh, honey, sometimes no matter how hard you try, you can't piss everybody off.
I take that as a challenge.
No-- No.
( gasps ) Leo's back! Joe, look.
Leo's back.
Yeah, I know, he showed up a couple hours ago.
Who would have ever predicted that?
Hey, Mel, I got the new faucets out in my truck. I'll show them to you.
Oh, great.
Thank you, Leo. Thank you very much.
You know what else is amazing? That 15% on the copper bid?
Yeah, magically gone. Poof!
Wow, that is great news and totally unexpected.
Oh, it was expected. Maybe not by you, but I sure saw it coming.
See, Mel, this is how negotiations work.
Guys like this work you and work you and work you.
Until you finally push back and you say, "that's it. That's enough, stop."
Yeah, they work you, huh?
Yeah, see, you believe that if you coddle somebody like that, he's gonna jump through hoops for you. The world doesn't work that way, all right?
So in the future when I suggest something that you might not at first agree with, maybe, you know, just maybe you want to think about--
All right, just shut it. Shut it!
The only reason he's back is because of the extra money.
He told you that I paid him.
I cannot believe he would do that.
You paid him? of course I did, Yeah.
Wait a minute. You--
You were talking about you. You paid him too?
Why do you think he showed up? because of the 500 bucks I gave him.
500? I gave him a check for $5,000.
5,000--
No wonder why he's been smiling all afternoon.
Wait, okay, what time were you at his office?
Like 2:30.
I was there at like 2:00.
Oh, I just missed you.
Oh hey.
Look at that. Next time we sneak around behind each ether's backs We should carpool.
Next time we sneak around you should leave it to me and I'll save you money.
The only reason he liked your 500 bucks was because he already had my 5,000 in his pocket.
I seriously doubt that-- You're absolutely right. That's probably true.
Oh, by the way, um, you know how it was gonna take like months and months to get that six-burner stove?
The appliance guy called today and said they had a four-burner with a griddle in stock, So I ordered it.
Joe, you shouldn't have--
Pancakes.
Oh, good call.
Yeah, I know, it was.
Yeah, thank you, Joe. That's smart.
I really appreciate you doing that.
All right. You're welcome.
And you know what? I appreciate you going over there and straightening everything out with Leo.
You know, well, with us. With everything really.
It's the least I could do after putting everyone through this renovation.
Mostly you.
Yeah.
This feels really weird.
Yeah, I feel it too.
What is it?
I don't know, I think it's some strange mutual appreciation thing.
Yeah, I think you're right.
I don't like it. I'm gonna get some air.
( groans )
"First place, Ohio Regional Drama Competition-- Lennox Scanlon."
The principal made an announcement about it today at the assembly.
She called Lennox up and... hugged her in front of everybody.
Poor girl. All she wanted to do was torment her principal and create trouble.
I love her for just trying.