( Music playing )
"Melissa & Joey" is recorded in front of a live studio audience.
Well, I'm off. Watch the kids, feed the kids, try not to k*ll the kids.
Got it. Wait-- what was that last one?
Wow, look at that outfit.
Never seen that before, huh? Where are you off to-- a night out on the town with your sister wives?
No, I'm going out with Donald.
Yeah? Where's he's taking you, a barn raising?
You going to churn a little butter?
No one's butter is getting churned. It's over with Donald.
Oh, I see. So that's your dumping outfit.
Yep, this is defensive dressing.
You don't bring out the snack tray unless you're going to be serving dinner.
I don't want to get the guy's hopes up.
I don't think you'd turn on a pilgrim in that outfit.
So why is your relationship with Donald coming to such a hasty end?
We never really clicked. Donald's a good guy and everything, but I just wasn't feeling it.
Nor do I intend to feel it, which makes it a lot easier to give him the heave-ho.
I'm curious-- when you break up with a guy, do you go in with a script or do you just wing it?
No, tightly scripted. The goal is to be brief and merciful.
Professional.
So like a mob hit.
Exactly. It's the least I can do. The guy is taking me to dinner.
Wait a minute-- you're whacking the guy and you're still going to eat?
I'm not completely heartless! I'll take it to-go.
Anything that travels well: Risotto, pasta, Cobb salad-- dressing on the side.
Wait a minute. You know what? I actually still see a little bit of skin here. Hold on a minute.
Let me just-- there you go!
I would break up with you so hard.
Oh!
( Theme music playing )
♪ I guess you're stuck ♪
♪ with me. ♪
Oh, uh, well, the Halibut looks good.
Ooh, but it doesn't travel well.
From the kitchen to the table. Look how far away that is.
Good evening, are you ready to--
Risotto!
Donald?
Uh, I don't know.
Um, I guess I'll have that too.
No!
Well, yeah okay.
Very good.
May I interest you in a chocolate souffle for dessert?
I love souffle.
We ask you to order it now, as it takes 40 minutes to prepare.
Ooh, 40?
Yeah, there's no way I'll still be-- hee hee-- hungry.
So, Donald, there's something I need to tell you.
Okay, but there's something I need to tell you first.
Good idea. Mine might be kinda tough to follow.
I was fired this morning.
10 years of loyal service and they kick me to the curb.
Oh wow, I'm sorry.
When one door closes, another one opens.
And then another one closes.
This has been one of the worst days ever.
I almost canceled our date tonight, but then I realized I've still got one good thing left in my life.
Oh, what's that?
Oh, me?!
I don't know what I'd do without you, Mel.
Your smile is like sunlight breaking through the clouds of my despair.
So what was it you wanted to tell me?
I can't break up with him now. He's got the confidence of pudding!
I have to wait till he's back on his feet, finds another job.
Finds another job, in this economy?
I hope you like pudding.
No, I like a man I can chew.
We've got to find him another job I'm sorry-- "we"?
You're right-- you! You've got to find him another job.
C'mon, I've heard you brag about all the executives you hired back when you ran America. You can do this.
Okay, now I know you're desperate, because you're flattering me.
With the truth! You know what executives are looking for.
Donald's been in the same job forever. You'll know how to sell himself. but you are Joe Longo, the zen master of business.
You know, you're not the first person to say that.
I know. I've heard you say it.
So you'll do it?
Yes.
Greatness calls.
Thank you! Oh, but you've got to do it quick, because I don't want to extend myself in other areas to keep this relationship going, if you know what I mean.
My charity only goes so far.
I don't want to lay it all out--
I get it!
( Doorbell rings )
Hello, Lennox.
Hey, Holly, let me get Ryder for you.
Actually I'd like to speak to you-- in private.
Uh...
Okay, let's do it outside where there's daylight...
And witnesses.
This past Saturday I attended Dennis Kitson's birthday party.
While at said party a most terrible thing happened.
Someone couldn't get to the point?
I accidentally kissed a boy who wasn't Ryder.
Accidentally? What, you tripped and your tongue fell in his mouth?
How exactly did this mishap occur?
Well, at the party, I was complaining about a very unsightly pimple which had come to dominate my life. And my forehead.
Tim Logan heard me complaining about it and said, "yo, I don't see any zit."
That "yo" was such a confidence-booster that the next thing I knew, our lips were entwined.
But Ryder is your boyfriend! How could you do that to my little brother?
I know, I know, I feel awful.
I came to you because you know him best.
What should I do?
You have to tell Ryder.
Darn. I was hoping you'd say, "we all make mistakes, just move on."
If you don't tell him, I will.
No no no, please don't, don't.
Look, I'll do it, I swear.
All right, all right, I won't say anything, but don't make me regret this.
Oh, Lennox, you're a true friend.
Okay, that's enough.
I know how much you like to accidentally make out with people.
Okay, so your resume's looking a lot better, but the most important thing is how you're going to perform in the job interview.
So let's say the guy asks you what your greatest strength is.
What do you say?
I don't know...
Loyalty?
All right, what's your greatest weakness?
I have a tiny bladder.
Here's a tip: Don't ever use the word "bladder" in a job interview.
Oh God, no one's gonna want to hire me.
Come on, man. You gotta work on your confidence.
You gotta make 'em want you. You don't take no for an answer.
Excuse me. Can I borrow your newspaper for a sec?
Sure. I'm only looking at the want ads anyway. I'm unemployed.
Here you go.
Wait wait wait.
Actually I'm not sure if we want to part with this newspaper here.
Please? There isn't any WiFi in here and I really want to check out the movie times for "Slaughterhouse."
"Slaughterhouse"? That's a pretty scary movie.
You going to go see that with your boyfriend?
No boyfriend, just me.
Oh, I'm sorry. I don't think I can let you do that.
I can't let you go see this scary movie all by yourself.
What do you say I meet you at the Orpheum tonight?
Wow, someone's pretty sure of themselves.
Yeah, that would be me. ( Laughs )
Okay, I'll see you tonight at 8:00.
Okay.
( Both laugh )
Huh. Think she'll really show up?
Yeah, man, she's gonna show up.
See, what you just witnessed there, Donald, was a lesson in confidence.
All right? I didn't take no for an answer.
Matter of fact, I just sold her something she didn't even know that she wanted.
You know what that was? 100% Joe Longo.
What are you selling, Donald?
All this?
Really got a lot of work to do.
Yeah.
That smells good. What is that?
It's my famous butternut squash ravioli.
Oh? Is it really famous, Joe?
Is it dating a supermodel?
Did it b*at up paparazzi?
Was it on "Dancing With The Stars"?
Finished higher than you did.
( Knocks )
Hey, it's Donald.
What? Don't open it.
He-- he sees me.
Why is he here?
If only there was a way we could find out.
Hey, Donald, what's up, buddy?
Yes, what brings you here so delightfully unannounced?
I wanted to tell you I just had an interview with Hartman-Glassberg and it went great.
Really? So you might be employed soon? 'Cause that would be awesome.
No, didn't get the job.
Aw. I thought you said it went great.
It did. I made it all the way through the interview without getting sick.
Good for you!
Until just now in your driveway.
Donald, remember how we talked about not over-sharing?
Keeping a little mystery?
Right, right.
I didn't say where in the driveway.
The sessions with you are helping so much, Joe.
Even though I got sh*t down for the job, I still had the confidence to come over here and say, "Hey, Mel Burke, you and I are having dinner tonight."
Oh, sorry, Donald.
You know, Joe made his famous... uh...
Orange lumps.
Sorry, pretty lady, but I will not take no for an answer.
( Chuckles ) No.
( Brightly ) Okay!
Hey, don't back down.
( Clears throat ) Can I call you later?
Don't use questions.
I'm calling you later.
But right now I have to-- y'know, use the restroom.
For something really mysterious.
What the hell are you teaching him?
You might not want to tour the factory, but I promise you when the product hits the shelves, you're gonna be impressed.
When will that be? I don't know how much longer I can keep pity-dating him.
He's getting handsy.
Look, I'll bump him up to five sessions a week.
Next week he has two more of those interviews and I think one of those is going to come through, and then you will be able to break that poor sucker's heart guilt-free.
I like the sound of that.
Yeah you do.
Boy, it's been a while since I've seen you.
Has it? It's only been five sessions.
I mean a-- a week.
So Joe says that you've had some interviews and you might have a job offer?
I wouldn't say that.
Oh.
I got two job offers.
Oh, thank God! That's great news.
I mean for you too. Uh-- for you mainly!
Suddenly I am in demand. I'm a whole new Donald.
My life is starting a new chapter.
Speaking of new chapters and fresh starts, I think we should talk about us.
Um, look, in every relationship, there comes a time--
Are you folks ready to order?
Oh yes.
I don't see it here, but I'd love the steak sandwich.
I'm sorry, we only serve the steak sandwich at lunch.
Ohhh, that's too bad.
It's just so easy to eat while you're driving...
To dessert-town.
Do me a favor: Could you send the manager over?
Thank you.
Oh, you don't have to do that.
Mel, I got this.
No, it's okay, I'll just settle for something else.
I don't think a woman like you should ever settle for anything.
Good evening. May I help you?
I hope so. ( Clears throat )
My dinner companion has her heart set on your steak sandwich.
And I would like for her to have it.
I'm sorry, sir, that's a lunch item.
I understand it usually is.
But you have the steak, you have the bread.
I'm sure the technology exists to...
So could you make that happen as a personal favor for the lovely lady and me?
I believe I can make that work, sir.
All right, I knew you were the man for the job.
Wow, that was amazing the way you mind-controlled him.
You're like the steak sandwich Jedi.
Mel, the key to getting what you want is never take no for an answer.
So what was it you were going to say about fresh starts?
I think we ought to have one right now.
Joe, I need your help.
Yeah, I get that a lot.
Holly cheated on Ryder.
Wow, what did she do-- she whip some other boy behind his back?
No, she made out with another guy at a party.
And she was supposed to fess up like a week ago but she hasn't done it yet and someone needs to tell Ryder the truth.
Well, yeah. Why aren't you that someone?
Please? I don't have the heart.
And you're so good at everything.
Only everything I've ever tried.
All right, fine.
Hey, buddy. So just making a little idle chit-chat here.
How are things going with you and Holly?
Great. Couldn't be better.
Is that right?
Yeah, I mean, in the past she may have been a tad bit controlling-- you do know what "a tad" is, right?
Yeah, a baby frog.
Anyway...
Yesterday she let me blow my nose in front of her.
That's a big step for you guys.
So you're happy?
Couldn't be happier.
Oh, all right. Well, it's good, it's good.
I can't do it. I can't do it.
He's in a happy relationship. You know how rare that is?
You have to. He needs to know.
I mean, just look at him! Sad and clueless, drinking his milk.
Ahhhh.
( Mouths word )
Hey, Ryder, so, um, you know... Sometimes, you know, when you're going out with a girl, you-- you think that she's one way, but in all actuality, she's really another.
Joe, what are you saying?
Holly cheated on you, bud.
Oh yeah, I know. She made out with Tim Logan at that party.
Wait, you knew?
How clueless do you think I am?
Why didn't you tell Holly that you knew?
Why would I?
It's been the best two weeks of my life.
Tomorrow, she's baking me a pie. I love pie.
Aren't you upset?
I was at first.
But then she started acting so sweet.
It's obvious that she feels bad about what she did.
Why make her feel worse?
So you're just going to let her suffer with her own guilt?
It's pie, man.
Boysenberry. I didn't even know that existed!
Look, if you're lucky enough to find someone great, you do what you can to hold on to them.
You are absolutely right about that, Ryder.
People are always throwing away their relationships, but I say you've gotta work on it.
I'm pretty sure I've never heard you say that.
Well, now I do.
Well, if you'll excuse me, I've gotta go upstairs and Skype with my woman.
She's gonna do my math homework for me, then watch me fall asleep.
There really is somebody for everyone.
What's up with you and this whole new sunny outlook on relationships?
Weren't you just out dumping Donald?
No. I saw something in Donald tonight that I hadn't really seen before.
Oh yeah? What was that?
He was different. He was cool. He was self-assured.
I can't really explain it, but he was just so--
Me?
No, he was nothing like you.
I liked him. He was take-charge. He was confident.
Yeah? You know why he was confident?
Because I taught him to be confident.
No, he was confident because of all the job offers he's been getting.
Why do you think he's getting all these job offers?
Oh, I'm sorry.
Were you in the interviews with him with your hand up his puppet-hole?
He's been getting the job offers because I put him through a crash course at the University of Southern Longo.
Oh really?
What's your school cheer? "We are full of crap!"
All right, you know what? I will prove it to you.
Give me an example of confident Donald.
Okay, tonight at dinner I wanted the steak sandwich, but the waiter said that that's a lunch item, so Donald-- called for the manager and gave him the "what my woman wants, she gets" speech.
How'd you know that?
It's my speech!
I taught him that speech. You're going out with a guy that I trained.
He's using all my moves. Face it, Burke-- you are dating Joe Longo.
No. You-- it's--
You--
Exactly.
Me. Me!
Hey.
Somebody order a Donald, straight up?
Hey you.
Ready for dinner?
Almost.
Are you ready now?
Uh-huh.
I'm taking you to a great Thai restaurant.
Oh, I was really craving Chinese.
Mmm, I think you'll change your mind.
I don't think I will.
I'm betting you'll come around.
Wow, you have such an ego.
And it works for me, doesn't it?
I can't stand it.
So Thai it is?
Oh yeah.
Oh, sorry to interrupt, Ms. Burke, but the city attorney is on the phone.
Oh, tell him I'm busy making out.
Okay.
No, I was just kidding! Put him through.
I'll be out there when you're ready.
Save some of those for after dinner.
How do you type so fast? You must have magic fingers.
No, I think they're just regular fingers.
Well, they are the prettiest regular fingers I've ever seen.
You could be a hand model.
Donald?
Yeah.
You ready?
Yeah, what was that?
Just making a lady smile.
Now let's go see if I can make you smile.
( Dramatic music plays, screaming on TV )
I'm so glad you wanted to watch "Zombie Academy 4: Senior Year."
I didn't think you were into these kind of movies.
I like whatever you like, sweetie.
( Chainsaw whirrs )
Whoa!
No more torso for that guy.
Oh my!
So Ryder, uhm...
If you want, you can keep watching the movie and I'll massage your feet.
Socks or no socks?
No socks, if that's what you'd like.
Holly, you're the best.
Oh, um, I'm not that great.
Are you kidding? You're the greatest girlfriend a guy's ever had.
No no, Ryder. I'm not!
I can't take this any more.
I have a terrible confession to make: I have kissed the lips of another.
What?! No, Holly, that cannot be true!
You could never have kissed Tim Logan!
Who said Tim Logan?
No one. I just took a sh*t, 'cause, you know, he's so cute.
You knew!
You knew this whole time! ( Gasps )
And you let me be nice to you!
I'm sorry--
Lennox!
You told Ryder? You swore you wouldn't!
What?
I didn't say squat.
I massaged his naked foot for nothing!
Tell him how wrong it was to exploit an innocent girl.
Innocent? You tried to inhale Tim Logan's face.
Hey, watch what you say. That's my girlfriend you're talking to.
You're defending her? Wow, you two deserve each other.
I now pronounce you Mr. and Mrs. whack-job.
Oh, you are in so much trouble, mister.
Now put your sock back on.
Hey.
Hey.
That was a quick date. Man, you're easy.
I pulled the trigger. I dumped Donald.
You dumped him? What happened to working things out?
You can't work things out with an egomaniac.
He was horrible, smug, arrogant.
You're right, Joe. He is you.
Wait a minute, I thought you said that he wasn't me.
That was before you assified him.
At dinner, Donald told me he was tied down to one company for 10 years-- he won't be tied down to one lady.
He actually said, "we can see each other as long as you know I'm freelance."
Freelance!
What?
I hardly ever say that...
Anymore.
Wow, I gave him all that confidence and he just took it to the dark side.
He was flirting with everyone: The receptionist, the waitress, the effeminate valet parking guy.
You ruined him, Joe, and what could have been a perfectly good relationship.
Poor Donald... With great power comes great responsibility.
I guess I just brought him along too quickly.
Oh well, you're welcome.
For what?
For what? A few weeks ago, a lady came to me and said, "Joe, zen master, miracle worker," will you please help me get Donald a job so I can dump him?"
And two weeks later, Donald got a job and you got to dump him.
Miracle accomplished.
Oh, so that was your plan all along?
Burke, the point isn't how we got here.
All right? It's that we've arrived.
Okay, must you turn everything into a reason for self-celebration?
I'm just saying that one day maybe you'll start doing everything right, and then you'll know what it's like to be in my world.
What's in your dumping doggy box there?
Chicken Satay.
Ooh, that looks good.
You want some? Dump your own guy!
Hey, Joe.
I need your help and I can't talk to Aunt Mel.
I get it-- guy stuff, huh?
Sit down. What's up?
Teach me how to bake a pie.
Holly found out you knew, didn't she?
Yep.
So no more her doing your homework, no more massages?
No more a lot of things.
And order is restored.
All right, buddy. Time to man up, dude.
Put on your apron.