Melissa: "Melissa & Joey" is recorded in front of a live studio audience.
And when the batter starts to bubble, you go under it like this and just flip it over.
Oh, you are so good at flipping things over.
Mm... ( Chuckles )
And pancakes are ruined forever.
Mel, you know how you complained for three days that there was no breakfast?
Today we're making it for you.
( Joey chuckles )
Flip!
You just did that so well. I'm telling you-- she's like a natural.
Have you really only been here for three days?
It just-- it seems like so much more.
Lovemaking goes so fast when you're with Josef.
Whoa-- what? ( Laughs ) O no no no.
What I think she meant was that time has really flown by since she's been here.
Oh, well, to me, time is kind of standing still and grossing me out.
So what are you two doing today?
( Scoffs )
Besides that.
Oh, well, actually I think we're going to make it outside today.
And I'm going to show Elena some of the sights.
Oh, do we have to?
Oh, no no...
My vacation will be over so soon.
It's so sad.
Oh, but maybe you could have vacation and come to Russia?
Mel, when is Joe's vacation?
Oh, well, it sure seems like he's taking some vacation right now, you know-- 'cause not a lot's getting done at the house lately.
You could come to see me, Josef, and then I could come back here again and back and forth, and back and forth...
Oh, my God. You do that so well.
Everything's going to get done around here, okay?
And you are going to love dinner tonight.
Oh, are you cooking it, Josef?
What will it be?
I am going to make my famous eggplant parmesan.
What's with all the food things?
Joe's famous eggplant parmesan.
It's missing one ingredient-- Joe.
Well, what is he doing? Ugh, never mind.
I know who he's doing.
Are we going to starve?
I'm not.
I'm going to have that slice of cake I've been saving.
Oh, I've been thinking about this slice of cake all day long.
( Winces )
My slice of cake is gone.
Who ate it?
Oh, don't look at us.
We would never.
Yeah.
Oh, that's my cake--
Please, excuse for the interruption.
Joe: Are you coming back, baby?
Coming coming! This cake was delicious.
I wish there was more.
Oh, me too.
More cake, less you.
( Theme music playing )
♪ It's all good ♪
♪ All good ♪
♪ it's okay ♪
♪ Okay ♪
♪ it's all right ♪
♪ All right ♪
♪ as far as I can see ♪
♪ it's all good ♪
♪ All good ♪
♪ it's okay ♪
♪ Okay ♪
♪ it's all right ♪
♪ All right ♪
♪ I guess you're stuck ♪
♪ with me ♪
Joe, we need to talk.
All right, but I've only got a minute.
I'm taking Elena out to see Toledo's hot spots.
You know-- other than me. ( Clears throat )
Okay, well, I'll try not to take up too much of your time with some trivial matters like, oh, I don't know-- forgetting the kids at school.
So I was a little late picking them up.
And in your boxer shorts.
I got several calls from moms.
But there were no complaints, and you know it.
Joe, this goes beyond carpools.
You're letting Elena encroach in my home, your job, my cake.
I'll make you another cake.
How will that help me eat cake yesterday?
You're right. Let me make it up to you.
I'll make you another cake.
Pfft, and send it from Russia?
I mean, you know, that's where it looks like you're going.
I know what this is. I know what this is.
When I was in college, I dated a Jane Hayfee.
Hot hot Hayfee.
My roommate Wayne complained about her all the time, but that's because Wayne was single.
See, and every time he saw me and Jane together, like in, you know, the shower or whatever, it reminded him of how single and lonely he was.
Oh, so you think I'm your lonely roommate Wayne?
You smell a little better, but yeah.
Look, this has nothing to do with me being lonely and single-- which, oh, boy, I am not.
This is about you and your guest taking advantage of my generosity.
You know, in some cultures, people are actually friendly to their guests.
Excuse me, I'm the friendliest person I know.
I-- I-- I have always been friendly.
In fourth grade, I was the class greeter for Career Day, and I didn't volunteer.
I was picked.
You are not gonna believe what Joe said this whole Elena problem is about.
He says it's because I'm not...
Getting any?
Friendly.
Hey, it's nothing I wanted to hear.
Elena's going to be gone in a couple of days.
Why are you letting it bother you so much?
Well, the real reason-- which Joe will not be able to hear-- is that in whirlwind affairs like this people get hurt.
People like you?
No. Big no. This is about Joe.
Look, I have had my share of foreign affairs.
Okay? After college, I had a three-month Eurorail Pass, and let's just say my visa got punched at a few different stops.
Ugh!
I'm just saying-- things like this burn hot and heavy, but then they flame out.
And all you're left with is, you know, warm, shameful memories.
Did you not hear me?
Ugh!
Anyway, if Joe thinks this is anything more than a fling, he's kidding himself.
Or Joe could go visit her in Russia and the relationship could have a future.
You said it yourself...
I was eavesdropping.
Yeah, I said it, but I don't see that happening.
I don't see that happening at all.
In fact, the only thing I do see around here is dirty dishes in the sink, dust bunnies on the floor, and a table full of junk food.
What, is this Joe's idea of a good lunch now?
No, it's my idea of a lunch.
In fact, it's every meal from now on.
Breakfast burritos, Gummy Worms, chocolate Wing-Wangs--
I'm eating it all in the name of journalism.
Oh, does journalism like a little junk in the trunk?
No, the school vending machine is trying to k*ll us all.
You know my friend Mazie Goodman?
Big girl?
She has two jelly donuts for lunch every day.
Then she sugar crashes and falls asleep in math.
Well, the world needs to know what the school is doing to us kids.
So I'm going to eat nothing but vending machine food and chronicle what happens to me.
Wow, I think you're really going to inspire some people to make healthier choices.
Oh, malted milk balls! ( Squeals )
I'll chronicle these.
Terrible. It's just terrible.
Oh, awesome! Is this for your blog?
Keep your hands off my crap.
I'm the one who has to eat all of this.
I'm saving my friend and a generation of America's youth.
So back off.
Oh! Pink ball of death.
Why don't I do all the eating for you?
I'll choke down all this trans-fatty goodness and you can do all the writing.
My guts, your glory.
Fine.
But you can only eat food from the vending machine.
Hey, man, no one's arguing.
Did I just see you put pop rocks in that burrito?
Yeah. It's an expl*si*n of Mexican flavor.
Oh, like a little hat dance in your mouth?
Mm. Si.
Uh-oh.
Ryder?
You know, um, maybe some things weren't meant to be mixed together.
I'll be all right.
( Softly moans )
Hey, Mel.
Oh, the lovebirds are here.
Josef took me for first time on Ferris wheel.
We were up so so high.
The view was incredible.
It always is when I'm with you.
Aww.
Ugh!
What a wonderful day.
And now I must go upstairs because I have pooped.
I hope you mean you are pooped.
Yes. That.
Thank you for a wonderful day, Josef.
You are more than welcome.
You need anything else before I have to go?
What? You are leaving?
Yeah, you remember? I told you that that friend of mine from business school is throwing that big poker event tonight, and he invited all of his broker buddies and it's going to be a great chance for me to do some networking and unfortunately I just can't afford to miss it.
Can't we go together?
Elena, if I show up with you, no one's going to be talking to me.
No. Besides, I think this will be a great opportunity for you and Mel to get to know each other.
You know, the two ladies in my life.
Hanging out. You know?
And this would be an opportunity for you to show Elena how friendly you are.
( Chuckles ) That's so not necessary.
Yeah! Come on. It'll be great.
You know? You two have so much in common.
I mean, you're both high-powered career women...
( Clears throat )
And there's this.
Hmm? ( Chuckles )
There we go. I promise I will not be out too late.
Okay? Mwah.
Good night. Night, Burke.
( Door closes )
Well!
So...
( Sighs )
( Sighs )
( Murmurs, clears throat )
You like women, no?
What-- what-- why would you think that?
These shoes just happen to be comfortable.
How is it you can live with Josef and not want to jump up and down on his bones all the time?
I often want to jump up and down on his bones, but only when I'm wearing big, heavy boots.
You make joke.
I wish I make joke.
( Both chuckle )
And after university, it took many years to rise up the corporate ranks at Prodko.
It is very hard to be businesswoman in such a sexist country.
Do you know how you say "female executive" in Russian?
You don't.
But you didn't let that stop you, did you?
No, I didn't.
Oh, nyet you didn't.
Let's drink to you.
I am determined person.
When I want to do something, I do it.
And when I want to do someone, I do it.
Na zdarov'e!
( Sighs )
You know, I am truly impressed.
You are self-assured, and tough, and-- and-- and accomplished.
I mean, you're like a Russian me-- although I don't know if I would be so cool about letting Joe go out with the guys tonight.
So? What is big deal?
Well, you know, if I traveled 5,000 miles to visit a guy, and he left me for a "special poker night,"
I'd be pretty upset.
You'd be crying, weepy girl?
Excuse me, no-- I'd be putting on my bone-stomping boots and he'd be crying, weepy boy.
So Joe going out for boys' night is bad thing?
Well, it's not bad. It's just, you know, selfish, and immature, and-- pfft-- male.
Don't listen to me. I'm drunk.
You know, so hey-- na zdarov'e!
Hey, I swear, the more vodka I have, the better I pronounce that.
Hey! Good evening, ladies.
( Speaking Russian )
Hey, Joe!
What's going on?
( Speaking Russian )
Idiot! ( Speaks Russian )
Oh, I think she's saying "I missed my big American lover."
How could you do such things to me, Josef?
You leave me alone and go play poking with your boyfriends.
Okay. ( Chuckles )
First of all, it's-- it's poker.
And they're not my boyfriends.
Those guys were brokers, and I didn't leave you here alone.
I left you with Mel.
Yes.
And good thing. She got my eyes open.
Really? No, I mean, I think they were pretty open when you got here-- you know, like wah!
You are a selfish, thoughtless, male... man!
Elena.
( Yawning ) Oh, I'm so tired.
Wait a minute. What the hell did you say to her?
Who, her? Pfft. Nothing.
Nothing? She liked me when I left here.
( Whistling )
You broke her.
( Elena speaking Russian )
Elena, come on. Just open up the door, all right?
Can't we just talk about it?
( Speaking Russian ) - How's it going?
( Speaking Russian )
Like that.
Hey, look, I've been on the other side of a door or two.
Tell her-- Prastite
It means, "I'm sorry."
What? We hung out. I picked up a few phrases.
Prastite
( Sighs ) Elena...
Prastite
Yeah, that worked great.
You just got started.
Look, Elena may be from half a world away, but we all understand the same language--apology.
Um, tell her, "it hurts me when I see you cry."
Isn't that a little over the top?
Trust me. And don't roll your eyes when you say it.
We can hear that.
Fine. ( Sighs )
It hurts me when I see you cry.
Really?
You're special.
It's not every day you find someone you connect with, and I connect with you.
You're so special, Elena.
I mean, it's not every day that you find someone that you connect with, and I-- I really connect with you.
I... I didn't realize until just now how much I care about you.
And I didn't realize till now how much I care about you.
( Sighs )
And...
And?
And I'm gonna miss you when you're in Russia, Joe.
( Sighs ) What?
I mean, you-- tell her you're gonna miss her when she's gone, Joe.
Elena, we don't have a lot of time left, sweetie.
Please don't make us spend it with this door between us.
( Unlocks door )
Now you go in, and you--
Thank you, Burke.
I can handle it from here.
( Crunches loudly )
( Crunching )
What are you eating?
A chocolate Wing-Wang.
Show me the wrapper.
Okay! It's a carrot.
We had a deal. How could you?
I've eaten nothing but vending machine food for two days. Now-- now I'm bloated, and tired, and everything coming out of me is as unnatural as what's going in.
I've only posted one blog article so far.
The Mazie Goodmans of the world are counting on us to come to their rescue.
I think I'm gonna yak up a Gummy squirrel.
Never mind. It ran back down.
You're doing important work here, and your bravery inspires us all.
Now... man up and...
Eat your breakfast.
Can I at least put some milk in it?
I think you know the answer to that.
Hey, Mel.
Hey, Joe.
How did everything work out with Elena last night?
Oh, she was steaming.
So was the make-up sex.
Mm, you know, a simple thumbs-up, thumbs-down would do.
Look, I'm sorry if I stirred things up.
Maybe you and Elena do have a future together.
You know? Maybe nothing terrible will happen.
Josef, something terrible has happened.
I just got off the phone with my boss in Russia.
There is enormous scandal at Prodko.
What happened?
In Russia we call it "Ponzi scheme."
The government has shut down the company and arrested all the executives.
But I've done nothing wrong.
Oh, I'm sure you didn't, sweetie.
When I return to St. Petersburg, I'm sure to be arrested.
Oh, Josef, I'm so scared.
What am I going to do?
Look look, we're gonna-- we're gonna figure something out, okay?
Right, Mel?
You betcha.
Yeah, we won't let you down.
( Mouthing words )
So we spent all day trying to find Elena some legal counsel and we got nothing.
Well, it looks like you got something.
Oh, yeah, she had never seen an outlet mall before.
See that? Retail therapy crosses all cultures.
I'm going to go put on my fancy new bras and weep.
Thank you for trying so hard to help me, Josef.
Mwah.
( Door closes ) - Damn.
You know, Elena's going to get arrested as soon as she returns to Russia.
And then who knows what could happen to her?
Hey, you're a government thing. Can't you help her?
Yeah, I could get her a parade permit.
Look, Joe, Elena is a tough, intelligent woman.
She'll be able to find her way out of this jam.
I don't know-- they've got some pretty tough jams in her country. I just wish there was some way for her to stay here in the U.S. until it was safe for her to return.
Well, there are the obvious ways.
Um, she could fake her own death.
She could get plastic surgery, or, you know, she could marry my Uncle Jimmy and maybe then he'd stop asking me.
That's it! Not your creepy Uncle Jimmy thing, but the whole marriage thing.
Wait a minute-- if she married a U.S. citizen, I could save her from being extradited.
Elena!
Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa.
Back up the white steed, Sir Longolot.
Green card marriages are illegal.
You could both get in serious trouble.
Yeah. Yeah, you're right.
You're completely right. I was just...
Grasping at straws, you know?
'Cause I just don't want her life to be ruined by this financial scandal like mine was.
Well, look, you're upset because she's your friend.
But that's the best thing you can do right now-- is just be her friend.
Oh, but if she does want that plastic surgery option, tell her not to go to my mom's guy because her belly button is up to here.
Wow, this food looks fantastic.
Yeah, well, this is Elena's farewell dinner so I wanted to make it special.
I prepared all of the Russian classics.
I see-- pork and beef polmeny, borscht, potato vareniki...
That's right. And for dessert, my homemade cannoli.
Cannoli? That's not a Russian dessert.
Yeah, but nothing's better than my cannoli.
Dig in, everybody, before the polmeny gets cold and the borscht gets warm.
Oh, my God! Vegetables.
I want to make out with this broccoli.
Hey, what about Lennox's junk food research?
I'm done. I've eaten my last trans-fat gut-b*mb.
My blog post spread like head lice in a kindergarten.
Parents went nuts.
So the school got rid of all the junk food and they're stocking the vending machines with only healthy stuff.
Well done, Lennox.
You know, before we begin, I'd just like to say something to our guest of honor.
Elena, I'm going to miss you so much.
Mm.
I'll miss the way that you hugged me in the mornings...
Hugged me very...
Very tightly.
Such sweet boy.
Ryder, we talked about this, buddy.
I'd like to make a toast.
Elena, even though some...
Tough times lie ahead, I know you will overcome all of them.
I think you are an exceptionally strong and inspirational woman, 'cause...
It takes one to know one.
Thank you, Mel.
I would also like to make some toast.
You have all opened your home and your hearts to me.
I will have many tropical Toledo memories to keep me warm on those cold Siberian nights.
I make joke!
Nobody gets sent to Siberia any more.
( Both chuckle )
We go to forced labor camp and try not to catch tuberculosis while awaiting trial.
Na zdarov'e!
Mel and Joey: Na zdarov'e!
You know what? I gotta say something now.
Elena...
I know we haven't known each other for very long, but in the short amount of time that we have, I have really grown to...
Respect you, and admire you, and...
Truly care about you.
And there is no way I'm gonna let you go back to Russia and be punished for something that you had nothing to do with.
So, Elena Romanov, will you marry me and become a U.S. citizen?
What?!
( Stammers )
You are serious? You would do this for me?
You bet I would. So what do you say?
I say... Da!
This is the happiest moment of my life.
Holy cannoli.
Look at that, Ryder.
Not a molecule of polysorbate-60 in sight.
You know, sometimes, if people can't make good choices for themselves, someone else has to make good choices for them.
Are you Lennox Scanlon?
Yeah.
You wrote that blog story all about the junk food?
Yes. It was just something I had to do.
It's her. She's the one that made the school put all the healthy stuff in the vending machines.
( Chuckles ) See ya.
Let's get her!
Yo. I've got sugary, processed crap here.
Three bucks a pop.