"Melissa and Joey" is recorded in front of a live studio audience.
Whoa, look at you. Mel Burke on the computer at 6:45 am.
What, is there a big shoe sale in eastern Europe?
Please, there are no good shoes east of Italy.
No, you know, I'm just researching some issues, seeing where the other City Council members stand.
Joey: I'm guessing they stand right next to mommy. What is that?
I'm taking a five minute break from work and checking out this app thingy.
You know it takes a picture of two people and merges it together to show what their baby would look like.
What people?
Me and Austin. What?!
Look, I know we've only been dating a short time, but I've known him my whole life.
This could be something serious.
How serious? Like um, malaria?
Like future serious, family serious.
Baby serious?
No!
Well, you know, not right this minute. This is just me fooling around.
Yeah, but you and Austin haven't been fooling around.
Isn't it kind of necessary if you want to make a...
Cute little app like that?
Yeah, well, Austin is still recuperating from that blow to his manhood.
Blow to his manhood. Sounds like a great line from a Medieval p*rn.
You know what I mean. That whack to his sack you administered with your pool cue.
Yeah. Pretty soon, Austin and I will be getting down to business.
Ladies with your coy romantic talk, you're making me blush.
Blush... isn't that the name of your lady friend?
Her name is Chardonnay.
Does she pair well with soft cheese?
She pairs well with Brie who's about the same height.
♪ It's all good.
♪ All good!
♪ It's okay.
♪ Okay!
♪ It's all right.
♪ All right!
♪As far as I can see...
♪ It's all good.
♪ All good!
♪ It's okay.
♪ Okay!
♪ It's all right.
♪ All right!
♪I guess you're stuck...
♪With me.
[Sighs]
Uh, I'll let Joe deal with it.
Going out with Zander. Back later.
Oh hold on, honey. Hey, how's that college application essay coming along?
Would you get off my back? Okay, you don't have to breathe down my neck every minute.
Okay, I'm not breathing down your neck. It's just a light loving pant.
[Pants]
You know the applications are due next week, Sweetie.
It's like my entire future is coming down to this one piece of paper.
You know I've come up with a million topics, but I hate every single one of them.
How about overcoming adversity?
You know admissions officers eat that crap up like hungry hippos.
Oh great, now I hate a million and one topics!
You're no help at all!
Okay, you know what? You're right.
It's time for cool aunt Mel to step aside and let tough aunt Mel take over.
From now on, I will be breathing down your neck like the big bad wolf. Rawr!
Now get upstairs and write!
But...
Rawr!
Uh, can't you do this in your room?
Oh, um sorry, Mel. Chardonnay just likes this chair.
I do.
Catch me if you can. I'll run slow.
[Laughing]
Wow. She can talk.
I thought the only words she knew were "oh," "God," and "Joe".
Well, those are her favorite words.
Must be fun having a relationship that's all sex and no conversation.
We talk.
Yeah? What's her last name?
It's...
Not important, all right. Look, we just haven't gotten to that stage yet.
Oh, so you're working from the inside out.
[Doorbell rings]
Hello, you.
Hello, you.
[Laughs] Hello, you.
Oh, careful, Joe. I'm not wearing a cup.
Austin, if I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times...
I'm sorry. All right? Now if you'll excuse me, I got a hot Chardonnay waiting for me up in my room and uh...
I'm about to get hammered.
Great news. My urologist just gave me the thumbs up.
[Winces] Ouch.
No, a clean bill of health.
Oh, that's wonderful.
So we can use that hotel gift certificate, that Joe gave us.
Mm hmm. And...
Here's a list of things the doctor says it's okay for us to do.
And I wrote in a couple of my own.
Okay. All right.
Can do... whoa! What do you think this is, your birthday?
Okay, quid pro quo.
Mm hmm.
Here is my counter offer.
[Clears throat]
Absolutely. It would be my pleasure.
Well, technically, it would be mine, but I like your can-do attitude.
Joe. [Laughs]
[Laughs]
You're so cute.
I could eat you up.
[Laughs]
Yeah, don't... don't... don't... don't fill up on bread, now.
Let's save room for the main course, okay?
You know, actually, maybe we could just slow things down a little bit, all right.
You know, savor the moment. Maybe throw in a little conversation.
Okay.
[Whispers]
Those are... those are wonderful thoughts.
No, but I just really want to get to know more about you, all right?
So tell me something personal.
Okay.
These are real.
See, now we're getting to know each other.
Crap, crap, crap, crap, crap!
So you finally came up with that opening line for your essay, huh?
I can't think of anything good.
You want me to make you some coffee? Would that help?
Only if it's coffee that threatens to break my kneecaps if I don't work.
[Gasps]
That's it. You can break my kneecaps.
Whoa, Lennox, whoa.
Metaphorically!
You just stand right here and don't let me leave the room until I've finished a draft.
Uh, and why would I do that for you?
Let's see, you're not in school and you've got nothing going on in your life.
For your information, I play Call of Duty six hours a day.
You get to yell at me to sit my ass down and write.
All right, blondie. Enough with the chitchat.
Get with the tappy tappy. Come on.
I think we left our luggage in the hallway.
Uh, well, I packed everything I need in this bra.
I can't believe we're finally doing this.
I know.
[Giggles]
After all this... [kisses] Waiting... [kisses]
And anticipation.
Yeah, it's like Christmas...
Hot, sexy Christmas.
I am ready to unwrap my gift.
Me too because I have been a good girl this year.
So what are we using?
Well, I thought we'd start with the traditional God-given equipment.
[Giggles] No. You know what I mean.
Birth control.
We don't have to use anything.
[Giggles] Yes, we do.
Ah, no, we don't.
Yes, we do.
No, we don't.
I had a vasectomy.
Oh.
Did you now?
Well, hot, sexy Christmas is just full of surprises, isn't it?
Wow, so you had a vasectomy, huh?
I've known you my whole life and I didn't know that.
So you are definitely not gonna get me pregnant tonight...
Or ever.
That's right, baby.
Hmm, baby, baby, baby.
You know what? Can you please just not use that word?
Oh, mama!
Yeah, that's not any better.
What's wrong?
I...
I think I had some bad shrimp at dinner.
Yeah.
Hey.
[Annoyed sigh]
And good morning to you.
What the hell is that?
Oh, that's a bribe from the Buchwalds.
Yeah, they're still trying to woo me over there to be their full-time nanny.
"We long for you, Joe Longo".
[Laughs]
Isn't that funny?
"From the buchwald family, Zev, Sienna, Liam, Alexa, Tessa, and Tucker".
Oh look at us. We're one huge happy family. [Mocking laugh]
Show-offs. Take your muffin basket and shove it, Buchwalds.
Oh, I see that night at the spa did wonders for your mood.
Austin had a vasectomy.
They do that there?
I mean, I know they do the whole seaweed wrap thing.
I just didn't realize it was so tight.
Not last night. When he was 25, he decided he never wanted to have kids.
Wow.
I'm sorry, Burke. Jeez, that sucks.
Man, the biggest decision I made at 25 was to grow a goatee. [Chuckles]
It was awesome by the way.
You know what, Joe? You just made a very good point.
You don't have that goatee now.
You are a different person in your 30s than you were in your 20s.
You've changed.
You know, maybe Austin could change too.
No, no, no, Mel, Mel. What Austin shaved off, no man can grow that back.
Or can he?
No, no, no, Mel. He really can't. It's...
Let me out.
Where's the essay?
Just move.
Nope.
My job is to keep you here writing.
That's what my boss says.
Between you and me, she is a total b... big sister.
I need to go, okay? I got an emergency text.
What kind of emergency?
Zander needs a kiss.
He looks so sad and lonely.
Oh, let me see.
Yup.
Hey! No...
No boyfriend for you.
Man, I'm telling you. That Chardonnay is like a bundle of energy.
I am losing some serious electrolytes up there.
I'm telling you, Mel. She's like a Bowflex with boobs.
Hey, Joe. Great news. Austin and I can still have a family.
It's incredibly simple to work around a vasectomy.
Oh goodie, let's talk a little more about another guy's junk.
You can reverse it surgically.
Snip, untie... the boys are back...
Or use a long, thin needle to remove semen directly from the testicles.
See?
Wish I hadn't. [Clears throat]
Look, I'm gonna go now. All right? But good luck selling Austin, on the whole needle in the uh...
Sugar plums idea.
Aunt Mel, completed essay... take a look.
Oh good for you, Len. You buckled down and did what you had to do.
Okay, what is this?
"As we grow, we change".
"Life is like a roller coaster".
What's so bad about it?
Are you planning to major in cliches?
You got to start the essay with a grabber.
Your mom's in prison.
Do you know how lucky you are?
I mean, how many high school seniors would k*ll for a personal story like that?
My mom going to jail is the worst thing that ever happened to me.
No, that would be totally embarrassing to write about.
This is a perfectly acceptable essay.
Is that what you want? To do an acceptable job?
Something merely sufficient or do you want to go out in the world, and infuse people's skulls with your intellectual T.N.T.!
And blow their minds?
Yeah, well...
[Frustrated scream]
Woo. That was a close one.
I was about to cave.
Yeah, and it turns out the reversals are successful like 85% of the time.
And you just happened to hear this...
On Jeopardy.
Weird, right? Yeah and of course I thought of you and your things and...
You know, what happened to them.
Mel, nothing "happened" to them.
Okay? I wasn't hit by a vasectomy truck.
It was a decision.
That you made when you were 25.
I'm not the same person I was at 25, are you?
Of course not.
I still don't want kids. I thought you weren't interested in having them either.
What gave you that idea?
Because you already have Lennox and Ryder.
I'm not their mom. I am far, far too young to be their mom.
Far.
But you are raising them. They're your kids.
You've already done the parenting thing.
Yeah, but you haven't.
Do you really want to miss out on all that?
Mel... I am so happy with what we have right now.
If we want to see the Eiffel Tower, we can get on a plane any time we like.
We have the freedom to completely spoil each other.
You're enough for me.
That's what you get with the Austin plan.
I like that plan.
I want to get on that plan.
Chardonnay: Come on. At least take off your shirt.
Nah, nah, I've really taken it off so many times.
I don't want to... no, I... whoa, whoa! Hey, wh... no, no, no.
No, you can't have any more of this smooth Joey goodness... [chuckles]
Until you answer some of my questions.
Like what?
Why don't you tell me something about yourself?
Please, you know, talk about your hopes and your dreams.
Well, I hope you're going to stop talking soon and I dream that I'm going to see you naked again before I die.
See? Now there's another good topic, the afterlife.
Do you believe that our souls live on?
You're thinking about it, aren't you?
That's good.
"And so as I watched the prison doors slam shut between my mother and me"...
I realized another door had opened. The door to my aunt Mel's home.
Does she get on my case? Yes.
Does she breath down my neck? Absolutely, because she cares about me.
And that's how I came to realize that the worst thing that has ever happened to me, turned out to be the best thing that has ever happened to me.
So?
What'd you think?
Well, I'm not sure you want to use the passive voice in the first paragraph, but overall I'd say, you know, pretty good.
Yeah, decent.
Oh, it's the best essay ever.
Thanks, aunt Mel.
You know, you cracking the whip really forced me to go deep and dig into my soul.
And Ryder made me pee in a soup can.
Um...
Can I hold onto this? I just want to, uh, proofread it again.
Gotcha.
Aw, she called me flinty and pulchritudinous.
Joey: Wait, wait a minute. I just wanted to know what your major was in college?
Oh, what is this?! The Spanish preposition?!
Okay, so I'm guessing it wasn't history.
Probably not English either.
What is it with you guys in your 30s?
"Let's define the relationship. Where's this going?"
You know where this is going? Right out the door.
Wait, wait, Chardonnay.
[Sniffs]
Don't be sad. She'll be back.
I'm not sad.
In fact, I am very, very happy.
Somebody needs to tell your face.
I just realized I am a mom.
It's okay that Austin doesn't want kids, because when you think about it, I've already got Lennox and Ryder.
Yeah? You'd be okay with never having kids of your own?
You know maybe what's a deal breaker in your 20s isn't a deal breaker in your 30s.
Maybe that's growing up.
Burke, I'm gonna tell you something and I mean every word of it.
You got to get what you want out of life.
And you should never compromise, not on the big things.
I'm not compromising.
You know, I'm an awesome aunt/mom who...
Happens to be very "flinty and pulchritudinous".
If I partied less in college, I might remember what those words mean.
Hey, you, get your essay-writing butt upstairs.
I finished my essay.
You're fired.
But I love my job.
Yelling at you is so fulfilling.
Well, you know what? I'm sure at the end of the semester, I will have a huge paper due and you will be the first person I call to harass me.
Looking forward to it. Hey, you know it was great working with you.
Yeah.
Yeah, I'm all packed and ready to go.
I'll see you soon. [Kissing]
Phone kissing at your age?
You sound ridiculous.
Yeah, well, people in love get to be ridiculous.
That's one of the perks.
Austin found the cutest bed and breakfast.
Oh, I feel like I'm in an old-fashioned romance movie.
That's why I'm wearing my Doris Day dress.
What's Doris Day?
Oh, is that a fake holiday like arbor day?
Hello, ladies.
Lennox: Hey.
Man, that baby is fat.
You know, honestly, I just don't see the appeal of those things.
Good. Don't think about having one for at least 10 years.
Buchwalds' sitter quit on them again.
So I told them that I'd watch baby Tucker here for a couple hours.
He's...
[Baby cries]
I don't know why he keeps doing that thing.
Now he's red and bubbling at the mouth.
Oh, make him stop. It's t*rture.
[Cries continue]
Oh, here we go, pal.
Here, you don't know how to do anything, give him.
Give me him.
All right, fine. Be my guest. Go ahead.
Hey, it's okay. Did the mean, old, muscley man scare you?
Look at you. You're a big boy, aren't you?
Oh, you're such a big boy.
Oh, you're such a big boy.
[Coos]
Burke, you're a natural. [Kisses]
Yeah, you found the off switch.
He's still fat.
You need to get that baby on a Stairmaster.
No, I don't need one of these to make my life complete.
No, I don't.
No, I don't. No, I don't.
I sure, sure don't. No, I don't.
Hey, sweetheart. Ready to go?
Hey, Austin. Joe just came over with the neighbor's baby.
Guess I'll go feed him. That way he won't try to nurse on you.
Yeah, these are for display only.
You are gonna love this B&B, Mel.
I got us a room with a hot tub, fireplace, and an amazing view of you.
Well, that sounds beautiful, wonderful, fantastic and...
I'm not gonna do it.
I swear they completely disinfect the hot tub between guests.
No, no, it's not about the hot tub.
If I go away with you this weekend, I'm just gonna fall for you deeper and deeper.
Sounds good to me.
Yeah, but before you know it, I'd be totally in love with you.
And then I'd start acting crazy and using apps like this to see what our baby would look like.
Mel, I haven't changed my mind.
Having kids is a deal breaker for me.
I know. And that's why I have to be honest with you.
And honest to myself, you know?
At some point in my life, I'm gonna want my own little deal breaker.
I'm sorry, Austin.
So am I.
Hey.
How you holding up?
Well, you were right, Joe, you know, about me being in denial.
Just took me a long time to realize it, due in large part to the denial thing.
Well, sometimes we all have blinders on...
Or blindfolds...
Or handcuffs.
You know, just to sort of mix things up.
Anyway, um...
I just think you need to find somebody that's on the same page as you.
Or at least in the same book as you.
And I'm guessing Chardonnay is not a big reader.
She's not so much book smart as she is...
Magazine smart.
And I think she definitely canceled her subscription to me, so uh...
It's probably for the best though.
I actually think I'm ready to hang out with someone a little more mature.
Someone I can settle down with and start a family some day.
Really, Joe? You want kids?
Absolutely.
A couple or...
Eight.
I just need to be patient and I'll find the right person.
Yeah, you'll find her eventually.
I'm not gonna stop dating until I do.
I will leave no...
Hot woman unturned.
Soldier on, Longo. Soldier on.
Hey.
Hey, nice move.
What?
Bringing in that baby.
Uh, that wasn't a move. I was babysitting.
Right. Yeah.
The Buchwalds needed you to babysit at the exact moment aunt Mel needed help to realize what she wanted in life.
It's funny how that worked out.
You really care about her, don't you, Joe?
Yeah, of course I care about her.
Like I care about all you guys.
That's... that's my job.
Yeah, but you're only paid to look after Ryder and me.
Caring about aunt Mel, that sounds like something you do because you want to.
There's really so much you don't know about people.
There's really so much you don't know about you.