"Melissa and Joey" is recorded in front of a live studio audience.
Joe! You're a guy.
Yes. And I never get tired of hearing that.
What would be your idea of the most awesome birthday present ever?
Um, a subscription to the "single malt scotch of the month club" hand delivered by Kate Upton on a 60-foot yacht.
Someone has given this way too much thought.
Okay, no no no no no. This gift is for Zander.
See, he's turning 18 next week, and I wanna get him the most personal, most unique gift ever.
Ooh! You can get him a custom-made waffle iron that makes waffles with your name on them or your family crest.
The Burke family has a rabbit wearing a helmet.
And I've given it too much thought?
I'm gonna stick with my original idea.
I'm giving him something really special and personal he'll remember forever.
[Both chuckle]
What the hell was that about?
That was inception, baby.
Yeah, that waffle iron is as good as mine.
No no no no no no no!
What Lennox just said about giving Zander something personal, special, something he'll remember for the rest of his life.
Was that... what that code for, you know, her, um...
Precious flower?
Would you calm down?
Hey, I am calm, all right?
I am totally under control. [Laughs]
Yeah, you're drinking hot sauce.
[High-pitched] I meant to.
[Coughs] And you know what?
Actually, that searing in my mouth has just given me an idea.
Zander's about to turn 18, right?
If you let him.
Okay. Okay.
So as soon as Zander hits that magic number, anything he's planning on doing with Lennox, who's a minor, goes from fun to felony.
So all I have to do is keep him exhausted and occupied for the next five days, which means... [chuckles]
I am gonna be on him like your mouth on a wine glass.
Okay, relax, Joe. Lennox and I share a special womanly bond.
If anything were on the verge of happening I would know about it.
Because Lennox would have told me.
Yeah, because that's every teenage girl's favorite part about losing her virginity, is giving her aunt the heads-up.
"Yo, aunt. Check it. I'm about to wreck it".
♪ I guess you're stuck...
♪ With me.
So why are we stopping here? I thought you wanted me to give you a personal tour of the Stieglitz retrospective at the museum.
Dude, do I look like I wanna see your Stieglitz?
Get in here.
No, this is a little early birthday present, you almost-legal adult, you.
[Chuckles]
Surprise.
You're locking me in a cage.
Oh, if only it was that easy.
No. Zander...
You know, I've just been thinking, man.
You and Lennox have been, uh, dating for a while now, right?
And you two guys have become quite close.
[Chuckles]
I want you and me to be that close.
You know, I wanna get to know everything about you.
You know, like, uh...
What terrifies you.
What your threshold for pain is.
All right. You're up, Stieglitz.
Uh, Stieglitz was a photographer...
I don't care.
Isn't this fun?
No.
Great. Great. All right. Hey, you know what, tomorrow night...
You and me, we're gonna be playing a little basketball. Oh!
And the night after that... got us hockey tickets, buddy.
Um... uh...
Don't say no.
Okay.
That doesn't really leave me a whole lot of time to spend with Lennox.
Huh. How about that.
Ow! Oh!
Okay, I think we're warmed up.
Now let's try some fast ones, huh?
[Dial clicks]
Actually, I could use some ice, you know...
[Laughs]
Oh, no.
There we go. No no no no no no. Stay in there, okay?
Because the machine can sense fear. Go.
[Mouths]
So Keira, for the last one I got two-x equals "x".
That can't be right.
Oh, Ryder, really?
Who can think about math when I just learned the truth?
The what?
I found out why you were suspended from school.
Uh...
For criminal activity?
[Sighs]
Um, that's not something I really wanna talk about.
I wish you would.
Okay. I could talk about it a little bit. [Clears throat]
I've been home schooled my whole life, and...
I've never met anybody who had detention, much less suspended for marijuana.
You're so dangerous.
Even your mouth looks dangerous.
It's... it's not. I just brushed.
[Rooster crows]
Oh, fiddlesticks!
That's my alarm.
Where are you going?
My moms are super-strict about starting family meals on time and, I'm not willing to break the rules.
♪ Unlike you.
Don't forget where we left off.
I'll be remembering it all night.
Hey, bro. You're looking more confused than usual.
Keira just said that she loved that I'm a bad boy.
Maybe she meant you're bad at being a boy.
[Chuckles] She found out why I got suspended from school and now she thinks I'm some kind of dangerous criminal or something.
You, dangerous?
The one time you played "Grand Theft Auto" you unionized the prostitutes.
What do I do?
She's the only girl in my shrunken social universe. I can't blow this.
Well, if Keira thinks you're a bad boy, my guess is you better be a bad boy.
So let's see what we can do here.
What up, dawg?
Hey, so I just dropped Zander off at home.
After three hours of pitches the kid practically needed a full-body ice pack.
[Laughs]
I think he was crying.
Uh, Joe, take a look.
Lennox posted this on her blog a couple days ago.
I just saw it now. Read the title.
"Why urinals are inherently sexist".
Not that one, the next one.
"I lost it. So what?"
No. No.
No no no no no no no!
"When I lost my virginity, all I lost was my misconception" that having sex is a big life-changing experience.
It's not. Don't believe the hype.
Just because the two of you got naked"...
Will you stop reading?! Will you just stop it?!
Damn, man! I put all this time and energy into preventing the crime, and the kid already robbed the bank.
I just feel awful that Lennox's sex life is off to a lousy start.
Sex should be fun and enjoyable.
Are you kidding me?!
Sex is bad.
Sex should be sad and horrible and...
Shameful.
Well, I'm sure it is for the women you're with.
But Lennox deserves better.
You know what? I'm gonna help my niece have a more rewarding sex life.
Rewarding sex! What is this, France?!
Ooh! I've got just the perfect thing.
You c...
Hey, does Forever 21 make a chastity belt?
"A guide to intimacy... The Sabre and The Lotus".
A sex manual?! Why the hell would you give Lennox that?
Joe, she's already doing it. That ship has sailed.
Yeah, but you know what? There's still a chance that it can hit an iceberg and everybody will drown. We can't give up hope.
What's done is done. So now the question is...
How are you gonna handle Lennox being sexually active?
Good old-fashioned denial. You know?
Because, uh, in here, Lennox is gonna be that...
That innocent girl I've always known.
You've only known her since she was 14.
Yeah, a very innocent 14, okay?
Not... not you 14.
Whoa, hey!
I thought I invented that.
[Knocks on door]
Hey, Len. What's up?
Nothin'.
Sounds fun.
Um... [clears throat] You know, speaking of fun, I read your blog.
You know, the one about, um...
About the thing.
The, uh... [exhales]
First time.
Oh, God.
Yeah, I'm just kinda curious why you had to blog about that to the whole world.
Instead of, you know...
Coming and talking to your good old understanding Aunt Mel.
My blog is for my peers...
Other girls who might be having sex for their first time and...
No offense, but I have a pretty strong feeling that's not you.
Hey, I'm not blue, but I still enjoyed "avatar".
Look, if you're gonna be sexually active, I thought you oughta have this.
Geez, what is this? Like 10,000 condoms?
No, you don't need condoms. You need information.
Well, of course you need condoms. You need condoms.
But your whole post was about how nothing the whole experience was.
And I don't want you going through life thinking sex is just blah, when it could be...
Pyoo pyoo! Andale andale! Arriba arriba!
Was your first time with Speedy Gonzalez?
Sadly, yes.
[Sarcastically] Oh, goody. The "how to have sex" book.
And you marked your favorite pages.
Yes, and I highlighted bits that are especially useful.
See, when I was your age, nobody talked to me about sex.
I had to figure it all out on my own.
That really doesn't sound so terrible right now.
Believe me, it was. Yeah, I am totally self-taught.
Okay! Well, it is so nice of you to take an interest in my sex life, Aunt Mel.
And thank you for the literature. I will treasure it always.
Well, if you have any questions...
I'm good.
Congratulate me, Joe. "The Sabre and The Lotus" was a big hit.
Lennox said she really appreciated it.
She did, huh? Ah, that's nice. Look what I found.
No... "The Sabre and The Lotus"?
Where did you get that?
In the goodwill bin, along with a pair of her old sneakers.
I don't know how that's gonna help the homeless.
It's official!
I have outlived my usefulness as an aunt.
Now I'm just the hot woman who lives down the hall.
I'm not needed anymore!
Oh, come on now. Stop that.
Lennox still needs you, you know, in lots of ways.
Name one.
Well, she still needs your...
Money.
That's the best you can come up with?!
You didn't give me a lot of time, all right?!
Ooh, you took her to the dentist on mon... no, that was me.
So, um, wanna watch some TV?
I can't.
I'm only allowed to watch public television Monday nights from 6:00 to 6:30.
Wow. Okay.
Well, we can still sit on the couch and do you know...
Couch stuff. Hey, there's a couch right here!
[Giggles]
I brought my dangerous mouth.
Um, first I wanted to hear more about your checkered past.
I bet the stories are very exciting.
Right. Yeah. Uh, stories...
Stories stories stories.
There's so many to choose from.
I remember this one time.
I worked for a gangster named...
Paulie.
Paulie Walnuts.
Go on.
And Paulie had me collecting payments for the drug...
Store. And...
This one time I had to confront these rival drug dealers.
Tony Soprano and, um...
Nucky Thompson.
I would have been so scared.
What you got there?
The past... when I was needed.
Here's a wristband from when I took Lennox to see a Smash Mouth concert without her mother's permission.
Aw, and this is from when I took her to see "Rocky Horror" without her mother's permission.
[Sighs] Belly ring, belly ring...
Nipple ring.
Ooh, that's mine.
Uh! This is from when we dyed our hair blue without her mother's permission.
Did you ever do anything with her mother's permission?
No! Because I was fun and cool, and now all that's gone.
Oh, come on.
Perk up. Hey, you know what?
Made your favorite soup.
Butternut squash?
I made your second-favorite soup.
Potato leek?
I made you soup, okay!
I'm not feeling very soupy just now, but it means a lot to me that you're here, Joe.
Aunt Mel, I need to talk.
Get out, get out, get out!
Wait, can I...
Go ahead, Sweetie.
Tell me everything. I am yours completely.
Zander broke up with me.
Oh, honey.
He said he doesn't wanna see me anymore.
He won't even talk to me.
Oh, that's awful.
Well, that's why I'm here. I am cool Aunt Mel.
I am warm Aunt Mel. I am all-temperatures Aunt Mel.
Do you think that Zander breaking up with me has anything to do with the fact that he and I...
Did it?
Well, it could. [Exhales deeply] You know, like you said in your blog, sex doesn't automatically make things great between two people.
So he goes around all like, "ooh, I'm this sensitive artist," but then when I share this incredibly important thing with him, he dumps me?
Well, then you know what? Fine! I'm never talking to him again.
And if you just happen to be driving down the street and run him over.
I'm okay with that!
Okay, wait. Len, okay...
I know you're upset.
But why don't you talk to him before anyone runs him over?
You shouldn't jump to conclusions.
I'm not jumping to conclusions.
I'm just coming to the sudden realization that Zander is an inconsiderate, selfish douche-nozzle!
Did I help? Was I helpful?
And now Lennox says she doesn't want to see him anymore.
Nobody treats my little girl like this.
But Joe, you're not the enforcer.
You're the caregiver, the nanny.
Well, I'm gonna nanny the crap outta that Zander.
Okay okay. Why does everyone in this family make snap decisions based on nothing and then fly off the handle?
Because that's what the handle's there for, in case you need to fly off of something.
We don't really know what happened between Lennox and Zander.
Yeah, we do. He hit it and quit it, didn't he?
Well, you could make that argument based on the fact that he did...
Exactly what you just said.
So what are we gonna do about that?
Well?
Nanny him, Joe. Nanny him good!
Yeah.
Well well well. Should have known.
Last place I would have thought I'd find you is where you've chosen to hide.
I'm not hiding, okay?
Just didn't wanna run into anybody I know right now.
Yeah, well, unfortunately you know me.
Here. Go ahead. Hit me. I'm just a punching bag for everybody.
Hey, look, I didn't come here to punch...
Well, I'm gonna start off by talking. About what you did to Lennox.
What I did to Lennox? What about what she did to me?
She put all of our personal business out in public for the entire world to see.
You did it in public?
No, the thing she wrote on her blog. I read it last night and it's so embarrassing.
That was my first time too.
That was... that was your first...
Wow.
It was this incredibly meaningful thing just between the two of us, and then she goes off and tells everybody that it was lousy.
Well, she didn't... she didn't tell everybody.
It's on her blog, her Facebook page and her Twitter.
And how disappointing I am is trending.
Look, um... hey, man, if it's any consolation, everybody's terrible at it their first time.
Well, actually not everybody.
How could she do this to me?
I care about her. I really care about her.
She's my wallpaper, and not just on my phone, on my laptop too.
I mean, I love her.
You do?
You love her?
Yeah.
I thought she felt the same way about me.
Hey, look, man...
If it's any consolation...
For some reason women have this biological urge to express their feelings.
Okay? And they will just express and express and express and express till they express your frickin' ears off.
And Lennox being a writer, I mean... she expresses herself even more than that.
Okay, so it's like... it's like how I work out sturm und drang in my artwork.
You know, she's a writer. That's how she processes things, right?
Yeah, I don't know what that means, but...
I do know this...
When it comes to love, sometimes you just gotta play through the hurt.
And if you really care about her like you say you do...
Then I think you gotta give her a second chance.
You're saying I should go back to her.
I can't believe it either, but my lips are moving and those are the words that are coming out, yeah.
Thanks, Joe.
Yeah.
What are ya...
This is really not the time or the place.
This way?
Yeah.
[Doorbell rings]
Hey, Keira.
Ryder.
You remember my parents?
Yes, of course. Please come in, Mrs., uh...
Ladies... women... just please, come in. Have a seat.
We just came to tell you that Keira's no longer allowed to see you.
What? Why? We only watched 20 minutes of "Downton Abbey".
We found out about your sordid past.
Who told you I had a "sordid past"?
I did. They're my parents. Of course I tell them everything.
So this is it, Ryder.
Good-bye.
We had a good run.
Hold on, wait!
Mrs. and Mrs. Guckenheim-Schapp, hear me out. Have a seat.
[Sighs]
We didn't even get to first base, as I'm sure she told you.
I did.
Please, I just need one minute. You guys don't know the whole story.
Ryder, you may be able to bamboozle my daughter but, I went to Sarah Lawrence, and I know a thing or two.
A buddy of mine brought a joint on an overnight trip.
It was my first time even trying pot.
I took a couple puffs and I threw up on my friend Mitch.
That's it. I swear on a stack of bibles or constitutions or whatever sacred text is meaningful to your people.
Family! I mean family!
What about all the other stories?
The run-ins with the law, cooking meth with your high school chemistry teacher.
That, um...
I made all that up.
I was trying to impress Keira by pretending to be a tough guy.
Sounds like someone I know who tried to impress someone else by claiming to be on the Olympic Rowing Team.
It worked.
Ryder, not many boys would have the courage to confess a lie to their girlfriend's parents.
But you did it for a sweet reason.
So, we feel comfortable endorsing your relationship with Keira.
Provided you follow all guidelines and restrictions imposed by our family.
This sounds like there's a lot to learn.
We'll send you the P.D.F.
Thank you. Um, did you need any paperwork from me?
Just stop over tonight.
We're having a gluten-free barbecue.
Okay. Save me a leg... of Tofu.
Oh, my gosh. That was so amazing.
What?
How you lied to my parents.
"That was my first time I ever tried pot".
I wish I could lie under pressure like that.
Must be all those police interrogations you've lived through.
Uh, but, Keira, I'm not lying...
Shut up and kiss me, you bad bad boy.
Hey, there.
Joe, look.
I'm getting real-time updates from Lennox.
She and Zander are getting back together.
Wow! This reaction from the woman who wanted me to nanny-ize Zander into a fine powder.
If Lennox is happy, I'm happy.
You are a total flip-flopper, you know that?
Well, when it comes to love, who among us is not a flip-flopper?
And you know why this is happening?
Because a certain niece had a conversation with a certain cool aunt.
This is happening all because of you? You're sure about that?
Positive. I mean, who else was involved?
Nobody.
Lennox needs me and I, well, I need to be needed.
You know what, Mel?
You're right. It was, uh... it was all you.
Hey! By the way, look what I got at the market today, butternut squash.
Mm. Why?
To make your favorite soup.
Chicken matzo ball?
Flip-flopper!
[Rooster crows]
Well... [sighs] That's the end of our date.
I'll walk you home.
Mm.
How about I stay five more minutes?
No. No. Absolutely not. I signed a binding agreement with your moms.
And that notary cost me 10 bucks. We're leaving now.
Man, you know that Keira is so sheltered.
I mean home schooled, no TV, no late dates.
How is she going to survive in the real world, I mean, how is that girl expected to learn anything?
Hey, she's still allowed to read.
"The Sabre and The Lotus".
No, no, no, no.
Okay, I'll wait two years.
We'll just keep it right here.
Are you kidding me, no way nu-uh, no you're sabre does not go in my cubby.
Obviously you have not read page 37.