"Melissa & Joey" is recorded in front of a live studio audience.
Joey: Spots!
Woman: Um, freckles!
Dots!
Measles!
Acne! Swiss cheese!
Swiss cheese with acne!
Mel, honey, have you lost complete control of that arm or what?
(Alarm rings)
Ah! Time's up.
What the hell was that?
A thousand points of light!
A thousand points...
Nate, would you have ever have guessed that?
I wouldn't guess it now. (Chuckles)
Come on. Gillian?
Mel, I feel close enough to you now that I can say this: That was the worst clue ever.
Hey, you didn't see her charade for "50 Shades of Grey."
Mm-hmm.
Mmm.
You got it, didn't you?
Yeah, but it scarred me.
It's getting late. We should head home.
Buster needs to get walked and if we're late, he expresses his disapproval in urine.
How about that? Mel's the same way.
(Laughs) We'll get you leftovers, guys.
Hey, did you think it went well?
I think for our first couples date, it was off-the-charts good.
I think they like us.
Yeah, let's ask 'em if they wanna go out with us again.
Are you kidding? The worst thing you could do on a first date is seem desperate.
Oh, but I really want them to be our friends!
Mel, we've gone out with other couples before.
Yeah, but we've never made it to a second date.
This thing you and I have is fun, but it's gonna wear off.
We're gonna need other people.
To...
To talk to, right?
Yes, to talk to.
All right. Hey, how about this?
I start training Nate on Thursday.
I'll ask him if he and Gillian wanna go out with us again in between squats.
Ooh, that's good, because it sounds casual.
But for now, let's just tell them that we enjoyed the evening and hang back.
Trust me, I know how couples work.
They love the chase.
(Scoffs)
Whatever you say.
A phrase I'm becoming very familiar with.
Here's your leftovers.
Thanks, guys. We had a great time.
Yeah.
We were thinking the four of us should get together next week for dinner.
Yes! Great! Done!
Way to hang back.
Okay, great. We'll make a plan later.
Okay.
Come on, Gillian, think of Buster...
And his vengeful bladder.
(Mouths)
Bye, guys.
(Door closes)
(Squeals) They asked us out! 'Cause we're awesome!
And you know what clinched it?
My story about shopping for melons without a bra.
Never gets old, honey.
Nope.
You know what this puts me in the mood for?
Sexy time?
Sexy time.
Ooh!
What are you doing?
Well, just 'cause it's sexy time, doesn't mean that it also has to be messy time.
Well, then I'm gonna get started without ya.
Win win!
(Theme music playing)
♪ It's all good ♪
♪ all good ♪
♪ it's okay ♪
♪ okay ♪
♪ it's all right ♪
♪ all right ♪
♪ as far as I can see ♪
♪ it's all good ♪
♪ all good ♪
♪ it's okay ♪
♪ okay ♪
♪ it's all right ♪
♪ all right ♪
♪ I guess you're stuck ♪
♪ with me. ♪
Good good good. Now I want you to visualize this extension, okay?
'Cause the body follows the mind.
That's too much thinking for me.
Just give me 10 more reps then.
You know, Nate, Mel and I are really looking forward to dinner next week with you guys.
You know what restaurant I think we should go to?
Wait a minute, I'm sorry.
I have a girlfriend now.
I can't pick restaurants anymore.
I can still choose the day, though.
How does... how does Friday night work for you guys?
Oh. Friday's bad.
Oh, all right.
What about Saturday?
Saturday's no good.
Oh, I see. I get it.
All right, you and Gillian talked and decided that one of us was... blech!
(Chuckles) Mel grows on you.
(Breathing hard)
No no no, I love Mel. I just...
I don't...
Think I love my wife anymore.
You know what I'm saying?
No.
I mean, I love Gillian. I'm just not in love with her.
The fire's gone.
You're married.
It's supposed to be gone.
But out in the world, there's so much possibility.
Like there's this one barista near our house, Alana.
Oh my God.
We kinda have this flirting thing going on.
After I tell her what coffee I'd like, she always says...
"Anything else?"
Next thing you know, she'll be saying things like, "here's your change."
I'm telling you, man, she wants me.
I don't get it. I don't get it.
You and Gillian seemed so good the other night.
Yeah, "seemed," but...
It's over.
When the moment's right, I'm gonna let her down gently.
Well, that's nice. Yeah, you're gonna dump your wife gently.
I'm sorry, man. I had to get it off my chest.
Please don't say anything about this to anybody.
I won't. I can keep a secret.
I'm like a vault. You know, I'm smooth, I'm sleek, made of steel.
In that case, lemme tell you about this new paralegal at work.
Yeah, vault's full.
Oh God! Zander, what are you doing here, man?
I thought you were supposed to be in Vermont.
I am supposed to be in Vermont, but I'm not.
Can we talk inside?
Look, if you're here for another one of your surprise check-ups on Lennox, she's not home.
This has nothing to do with Lennox.
Could you open the door, please?
I'm in deep trouble. I need a place to hide out.
What? You k*ll a guy?
'Cause that'd be cool.
What? No, I'm an art student.
We can only k*ll pre-existing modes of expression.
And I'm not really an art student anymore.
I made so many trips back to Toledo, I kinda flunked out.
Maybe you shouldn't have kept checking up on Lennox and her new boyfriend.
Oh, thanks for pointing that out.
Look, I...
Please don't tell anybody I'm here, especially Lennox.
I don't want her to think I'm spying on her, you know, 'cause I'm totally over her. Believe me.
Then why are you in her house?
'Cause I can't face my dad. He's prone to yelling when I waste thousands of his dollars!
Look, I just need a couple of days to figure things out.
You gotta help me.
What, you want me to hide you in my room?
What? (Laughing)
Hide me in your bedroom? No, that would be ridiculous.
You have a basement, though, right?
(Door opens)
Oh, Joe, there you are.
I was thinking about our friday night dinner.
I think we should take Nate and Gillian to Vitello's.
Yeah, or maybe not.
Are you kidding? Gillian loves Italian, and she said Nate is always up for trying something new.
So I hear.
I have this little fantasy where some day we'll travel with Nate and Gillian to Italy.
We can boat around lake como, ride the gondolas in venice, see the frozen lava people in Pompeii.
Too soon?
Honey, I don't really like to plan that far in the future.
I sorta just like to live in the moment.
(Chuckles) You see that?
That was a beautiful moment right there.
Ooh ooh ooh ooh!
There was another one.
Why are you suddenly so negative about our friendship with Nate and Gillian?
I'm not being negative. It's just the future is...
It's in the future. You never know what's gonna happen in the future.
Ask those frozen lava people.
Hey, you know something.
Put down your balls and look me in the eye.
Nate said something. Tell me what he told you.
Come on, tell me...
Hey!
...Or the rest of them get it.
All right, look, Nate did tell me something, but I can't tell you what Nate told me.
Joe, we're a couple.
We're supposed to tell each other everything.
Honey, he told me in confidence!
Come on, you know the saying. Bros before h...
The ladies.
Joe.
I made a Nate a promise!
You can always tell your partner something that has been told to you in confidence.
It's... It's the couples' code.
You just made that up.
No, it's a real thing!
One heart, one mind. That's why boyfriends and girlfriends can't be made to testify against each other.
Yeah, they can.
What, are you a lawyer now?
Hey!
Tell me!
All right, fine.
Nate's gonna leave Gillian.
Shut the front door.
He hasn't told her yet.
Oh no, Gillian's gonna be devastated.
I know. Hey, you cannot breathe a word of this to Gillian, all right?
I told you under the couples' code. You gotta keep it a secret.
But...
Ah, bup bup! It's a real thing.
Damn, it is.
Will you stop squashing my balls?!
So I'm gonna get her a whole new bedroom set, not just the headboard.
It's expensive, but Nate's worth it.
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
'Cause if I splurge on a new mattress, I might as well turn the whole bedroom into the perfect little love nest for me and Nate, right?
Mm-hmm. (Chuckles)
Gee, Mel, you've hardly said a word this whole time.
Oh, it's just such damn good coffee.
And I just can't get enough of it.
Mmm mmm.
Oh, I forgot.
Last night I told Nate what I was giving him for his birthday...
A week at N.B.A. Fantasy basketball camp.
He was so excited.
It was like the biggest surprise ever.
Maybe not the biggest.
Well, I had to tell him early.
I just can't keep a secret.
Mmm.
It is hard for good people to keep a secret.
You know, good, well-meaning people.
And Nate, he's... He's such a wonderful husband.
(Gulps)
You wanna know what he does?
At any time of day or night, if I want a cappuccino, he will run down to the Starbucks and get it for me.
I am so lucky to have him.
Nate's leaving you.
Buy hey, the good news is home cappuccino makers have really come down in price.
Gillian, sweetie, okay.
Are you pulling into your driveway?
Good. Now let me hear you turn off the car before you close the garage.
Oh, that's my will-to-live girl.
Okay, you call me if you need anything...
'Cause I sure need something.
Hey, Lennox, let me ask you a hypothetical question.
If you knew your friend was gonna be dumped, you'd tell her, right?
Oh my God, yes. I couldn't live with myself, walking around with that kind of information.
Even if you promised someone you wouldn't tell?
Even if. You have to!
Sisters gotta have each other's backs.
Right? So if I know something, it's my sisterly duty to tell.
I have to pass that information along.
It is the sacred bond of sisterhood.
Exactly. So who is it? What happened?
Oh, girl, I can't tell you.
Nice.
Man, you really know your stuff, Joe.
My stamina is way up.
I swear I've taken off like five pounds.
Good good.
Hey, speaking of taking off, how's everything going on the home front?
I'm assuming that you're still at home and married and all.
Oh, that? You can relax, break-up's off.
Really? Dude, that's great!
Hey, up high for not leaving your wife!
(Both laugh)
What made you change your mind?
Last night, Gillian told me the birthday present she's getting me...
Fantasy basketball camp. Can you believe that?
What do you know, huh? Another marriage saved by the N.B.A.
Gillian knows me so well.
I don't know what I was thinking.
She's my soul mate. I guess we were just going through a little funk.
So glad that she will never find out about the little b*mb that almost went off.
So glad you're the only person I told.
(Scoffs) Yeah, and who would I tell?
(Chuckles) No one. That's the answer.
And then cassandra has to confront her English teacher, the hydra!
It's really hard to see. You're pixelating like crazy.
Where are you calling me from, an underground parking garage?
No. Why would I be calling you from anywhere other than my dorm room here in good old Vermont?
(Door opens)
It looks different.
No, it doesn't.
Here, bro.
Shh shh!
Who's that?
Nobody. Oh, him.
(Laughs) It's... It's my new roommate...
Sanjay.
That's funny.
Sanjay is actually wearing the same shirt that Ryder is wearing today.
I don't think it's funny at all. It's a very popular t-shirt.
Sanjay, you can leave now, 'cause I'm working with my friend Lennox here who is very far away in Toledo.
(Indian accent) Oh yes, the pretty blonde girl.
She's quite the hottie.
What I wouldn't do to get with an American girl like her.
What part of India is he from?
The Irish quarter.
Let's get back to the work.
(Door closes)
Well, as usual, your drawings look great.
I just have to catch up with the stories.
I've been so crazy busy.
Oh, with what? German expressionist film class or...
Extracurriculars?
Zander, would you stop giving me such a hard time about emerson?
Okay, you and I have separate lives now.
There are hundreds and hundreds of miles between us and that should make it easier for you to leave my private life alone.
Yup. Hundreds and hundreds of miles.
Here you go.
Oh, Ryder, you won't believe this.
Zander's roommate has the same t-shirt you have.
I don't believe it. Zander, put your roommate on camera.
He left, okay?
He's captain of the dork squad and he's got a big meet coming up.
Oh my gosh. Wait. What? Look at that.
We both ordered from taco burger.
(Chuckles)
What are the odds?
Wow.
High, obviously. Obviously very high.
Can we just cut the chit-chat and get back to work please?
Thank you.
Hey yo, when your roommate gets back, we should all video chat together.
No, thanks.
He doesn't really like being on camera ever since his face got all messed up after he kept messing with his friend.
(Door opens)
Joe: Hey, Mel!
Great news, all right?
Nate is not leaving Gillian.
They're staying together, so the love boat is sailing on.
That's amazing news! That's fantastic!
Mm-hmm.
Oh crap.
What do you mean, "oh crap"?
Did you tell Gillian that Nate was gonna leave her?
Well...
I cannot believe you spilled the beans to Gillian about Nate wanting to dump her!
You gave me the beans. What was I supposed to do?
I don't know! Clench like a drug mule on a plane from Columbia!
What happened to the couples' code?
Hey, the couples' code is superseded by the bond of sisterhood.
Ask Lennox. Women are forever. Men come and go.
Yeah. Yeah, I'm sure they come and go when you can't control what's coming out of your mouth!
My mouth? I'm not the only one with a mouth here.
Who broke the confidence first, Joe?
Are you c... You made me tell you!
And I told you in confidence.
So actually, you broke my confidence!
Well, you broke the confidence first.
I was just passing along the confidence you already broke, so in a sense, you're the one that told Gillian, not me.
You ever listen to yourself?
Okay, fine. I was just grasping.
This is bad, Joe. You know what's happening right now?
Gillian went home, confronted Nate, there's yelling. She tossed all his stuff out on the lawn.
Buster is probably peeing everywhere.
Oh, that poor little guy.
You know, in a break-up, it's always the dog who pays the price.
(Cellphone rings)
Oh.
Ah! It's a text from Gillian! I can't read it. You read it.
All right.
Okay, I'll read it. No, you!
Wait, no! Okay, damn it, I'll do it.
"For our dinner, how about that Sushi place you've been wanting to try?
See you guys Friday at 8:00."
What does that mean?
Let me see that.
Apparently the dinner is still on.
How is that possible? I mean does that mean she talked to him, she didn't talk to him?
No no no, she had to have talked to him.
You don't hear something like that and say nothing.
Maybe she didn't. Maybe she decided to hold on to it and use it later when she's really ticked off.
Who would do that?
Nobody.
(Switch clicks)
(Lennox sighs) See? I told you this is the perfect place.
We don't have to deal with your roommates and their beer pong tournaments and my little brother (mutters) Being in the room right next door.
I like it. Private and quiet...
And smelling a little like tacos.
Oh, emerson, you and your sweet talk.
(Clatters)
Zander?!
Lennox Scanlon.
What... what a surprise to see you here.
Yeah, I know. Why would I be in my own house?!
You must be emerson. Nice to finally meet you in person.
Your ex-boyfriend lives under your house?
Like a raccoon?
Yeah, Zander, what the hell are you doing in my basement?
At the moment, my whites.
Okay. Emerson, sweetie, could you just give us a minute while I handle this?
Whatever you need.
Wow.
(Scoffs) Rude.
Okay, Zander, this is big-time crazy.
(Door closes)
Okay, coming back had nothing to do with you, okay?
I just... I got booted out of school for missing my exams, and if my dad finds out, he will literally k*ll me.
Well, you're gonna have to tell him eventually.
You can't hide here forever.
(Scoffs) Not forever.
Like four more years.
Oh, come on, Zander.
Look, your parents need to know.
And maybe you can figure something out and by next semester you can start fresh.
You really think so?
It's worth a sh*t.
Oh, thanks, Len.
Mm-hmm.
Oh, I have those same boxers.
Wait, are you wearing my boxers?
Ryder did the laundry and he got everything mixed up.
I'll just give 'em back.
You know what?
Keep 'em.
(Japanese music playing)
(Men shout)
How you doing? Longo, party of four.
We're actually meeting another couple here.
Ah. Yes, they were already here and they left you a note.
Oh, can I see that?
They tipped me rather well to read it, so could you just let me do my spiel?
"Dear Mel and Joe, no thanks to you, we were able to work out our differences.
We thought we could trust you, but clearly you're not the type of people who can keep secrets."
Okay, well, that's an unfair accusation.
Absolutely. I mean, we had the best of intentions.
Excuse me. I am not finished.
You made me lose my place.
"But clearly you're not the type of people who can keep secrets. Or are you?
Here are two sealed envelopes.
In the blue envelope is a secret that Joe shared with Nate about Mel.
In the pink envelope is a secret that Mel shared with Gillian about Joe.
We kept the secrets.
The question is, will you?"
Enjoy your meal.
Okay, well, that's an obvious manipulation.
They're clearly just trying to get us to fight.
Yeah, they're just trying to get in our heads.
Not gonna happen.
Mm-mm.
So what exactly did you tell Nate?
I don't know, honey. I told him some stuff.
What, there's just so much that you can't narrow it down?
No. You know, when you're in a relationship, you vent sometimes.
That's true. That's true.
Venting is healthy. If men and women told each other every thought they had, the human race would die off in about and hour and a half.
Look, we have to be totally open and honest with each other.
But how do we know what to tell and what not to tell?
This goes beyond the couples' code.
We need, like. A Mel and Joe code.
I like that. All right. Let's do it.
Always tell each other everything...
(Inhales sharply) Except when we shouldn't.
Okay, we'll know the difference by...?
Trial and error.
Mostly by error I suspect.
So... (Sighs) What do we do with these?
These? Honey, these are toxic material.
I say we have to destroy these things immediately.
Absolutely... After we read them.
Honey. Really.
Okay? There we go. There we go.
Bye-bye. (Chuckles)
Don't you feel better?
Yeah, so much lighter. (Laughs)
You know what? This evening needs a fresh start.
I'm gonna go ask for a new table.
Okay.
Okay, what the hell did he say about me?
Let's see. "Big."
Big... big... Big what?
Mel.
Yeah?
We're heading over to the Sushi bar.
Okay.
Hey, you know, listen, according to the Mel and Joe code, there is something I have to tell you.
What?
No matter what it said in those envelopes...
I love you.
Aww, I love you too.
Hey, Joe, tell me...
What's "big"?
You looked?
Yeah, I couldn't help myself.
So what's big?
Let it go, Mel.
Big hair, big smile?
Big... big... big tipper?
I'm not...
I'm not playing that game, honey.
I know, it's big brain, isn't it?
Yes, yes, it is. You guessed it. It's big brain.
Lennox.
(Screams)
Would you stop hiding out in places around my house?
I'm sorry. I just wanted to tell you I came clean to my dad like you said...
And I washed your boxers.
Here you go.
So, how'd your dad take it?
Amazingly. Yeah, he didn't freak out at all when I told him my new plan.
I'm gonna take some classes at the university of Toledo.
My university of Toledo?
To be fair, it's Toledo's university of Toledo.
So what classes are you taking?
Psychology, medieval art history, (mumbles) And German expressionist film.
Hold on, you can't take that class. I'm taking that class.
It's not my fault. It's not like I did it on purpose.
There wasn't a whole lot available.
Everything else was at 8:00 A.M.
I'm an artist. Let's get real.
All right, fine, but remember, I do have a boyfriend.
Yeah, I know.
I get it. We're not getting back together.
I totally understand. I'm not trying to worm my way back into your life.
And I appreciate that.
Mmm.
I will win you back.
Did you say something?
What, me ? No, I...
Oh. Okay then.
Okay.
Bye.
Bye.