"Melissa & Joey" is recorded in front of a live studio audience.
Okay, guys, let's see which one of you can spot what's wrong with this.
It's fine, right?
I don't know if that's fine, dude.
Really... so... but...
Oh, come on, it's a school dance.
You don't want long sleeves and cuffs tripping you up.
Besides, people are gonna be watching my moves.
Yeah, so they know what not to do.
Yo, I'm... I'm gonna say this to you as constructively as I can.
You look like an organ-grinder's monkey, man.
Okay, look, here's the thing... You and I are gonna go...
No. Please don't make me go shopping with you.
Well, I won't tell anyone I'm your aunt.
They'll know, okay?
(Softly) They'll know.
Ryder, you want to go to the dance right?
You want your girl to think you look hot, right?
Yeah.
What you're wearing right now, that is...
That is a girl repellant.
Yeah, and you've already kind of got that naturally.
Okay. Okay, fine.
You know what? I'll get a suit.
But more importantly, Stella still needs a sitter for the baby and the dance is this Saturday, so...
Oh. Well, I'm happy to...
Help you find someone.
Lennox, you do it.
No way.
I'll pay you a hundred dollars.
Sold.
For one night?! That's more than I got paid when I was working here!
Well, she's a better negotiator.
Okay, great, so it's figured out.
Lennox is babysitting.
Except I don't do peek-a-boo, funny faces or tummy farts, 'cause you know, that's just degrading.
You're gonna make a great mom.
Not for years and years.
(Chuckles) I like the sound of that.
So, Joe, I was thinking...
Saturday night, Ryder has his dance, and Lennox is gonna be babysitting Isabel.
I thought maybe the two of us could get out of the house.
Ooh! Maybe a little dress-up, huh?
Mmm.
We go dancing a little bit?
Yeah, and I know just the place.
Yeah?
(Sweetly) Ryder's high school gymnasium.
I'm sorry. What did you say?
Yeah, they needed chaperones, and I volunteered.
(Snorts) That's awesome.
Yeah.
You chaperoning.
No no no. We're chaperoning. (Clicks tongue)
(Theme music playing)
♪ It's all good ♪
♪ all good ♪
♪ it's okay ♪
♪ okay ♪
♪ it's all right ♪
♪ all right ♪
♪ as far as I can see ♪
♪ it's all good ♪
♪ all good ♪
♪ it's okay ♪
♪ okay ♪
♪ it's all right ♪
♪ all right ♪
♪ I guess you're stuck ♪
♪ with me. ♪
Hey. Mel, I... I... I don't wanna chaperone some lame high school dance.
Well, it won't be lame if we're there getting all funky and crunky and making sure the kids don't get drunky.
Keeping a bunch of pimply 17-year-old kids from groping each other all night is like t*rture.
It's like waterboarding set to... dubstep.
All right, here's the deal: Every household has to volunteer a certain number of hours, and I've kinda not been doing that for the last few... ever.
I see, so now you're feeling remorseful.
No. The school started a new policy, and if you don't do your hours, they post your photo on their web site, "meet the deadbeat parents."
Public shaming... The world's greatest motivator.
Look, the dance is from 8:00 until midnight, so we say we got there at 4:00 and we left at 1:00.
That's nine hours each. It's exactly what I need.
Otherwise, they're gonna post this photo of me.
Oh my God, how did that happen?
I was in the middle of sneezing.
Come on, chaperone with me.
I'll owe you one.
One what?
You know... that.
Done.
You're easy.
Hey, hey.
Only 'cause my birthday's a long way off.
(Whistle tweets)
Hi. Oh, excuse me. Stella, Stella.
Oh!
Sorry. Did you... did you get my last couple of texts?
Uh, yeah yeah. I don't think I red 'em.
Oh. Okay. Well, spoiler alert: Lennox can babysit the night of the dance, so your daughter will be in relatively good hands.
(Flatly) Great. I'm really looking forward to it. Uh-huh.
Great. This will be great.
Yeah.
Hey, I got a new suit for you, so I'm gonna be looking very Jay-Z.
And I'm talking to your butt.
She tells me she needs a sitter, so I find her one.
Then I tell her that I'm getting a new suit for the dance, and she doesn't even care. It's like...
I don't know. It's like everything I say puts her in a bad mood.
Why don't you stop... Saying stuff?
And she never responds to my texts.
She literally runs away when I'm talking to her.
It's like... I don't know.
I still like her, but...
I don't think she likes me anymore.
Hey, man, if she doesn't like you anymore, maybe...
Maybe it's over.
Over?
She's my girlfriend.
I mean, I really care about her.
She's my Stella Bella and I'm her Stella fella.
Listen, man. (Chuckles)
You know, staying in a miserable relationship and just slogging through it is...
There's plenty of time for that when you get married.
I mean, if you really care about her, maybe you should just break up with her.
Doesn't that make me the jerk?
No no, you'd actually be doing her a favor. Come on, that's what's so great about being in a serious relationship when you're in high school...
You get to break up with the person without losing your house.
You gotta... You gotta cherish this time.
Okay, what would I say?
Oh, I can give you the words for that.
You've gotta start off by saying...
"No one is to blame here.
All right? What we had...
Honey, it was beautiful.
Okay? But like...
Like a flower, it bloomed...
And then it d*ed."
Wow.
I thought you were good at making eggs.
Mmm.
(Chuckles) You know, I should really be writing this down.
Absolutely. You don't wanna miss out on one nugget of that gold.
(Clears throat)
Hello there, ladies. Hey, what do you think about this, huh?
Do you like that chaperone outfit there? Does that say fun k*ller or what?
Mmm, super hot fun k*ller.
(Clicks tongue)
Mmm.
Whoa, wait. You guys are chaperoning Ryder's dance?
Does he know about this?
No.
What? Dude, you'd better tell him, give him time to prepare.
His popularity is marginal as it is.
I don't think it's gonna matter that much.
Ryder's not gonna be going to that dance.
He's having some serious problems with his girl, so I told him to... cut bait.
(Both gasp)
What? No no, I... I... I didn't say it like that.
I'm a very sensitive guy.
No, you're not.
Yes, I am. I gave him some very thoughtful phrases...
Time-tested by me... That right now he is upstairs weaving into a very...
Thoughtful, caring break-up speech, all right? It's being handled correctly.
No, you don't break up with a girl 48 hours before a dance!
Yeah, I mean, she already bought her dress...
And shoes, and no doubt she's planned her hair...
And make-up. I mean, this is a huge dating taboo.
Women talk... And hold grudges. Trust me.
Hey, Joe, I finished that break-up speech.
Wanna take a look?
No no, it's... it's...
"What we had was like a dead flower.
It bloomed and then it d*ed, like a rock."
This guy. (Chuckles)
The king of break-up advice.
Ryder, stop. (Chuckles)
What do you mean? I'm just telling it...
No no, seriously, dude, stop.
So look, man, when I told you to break up with Stella, what I forgot to mention was that there were certain blackout dates when break-ups are not permitted, okay? Like...
Valentine's day.
A girl's birthday.
New year's Eve.
Oh, that's a good one, because you definitely want to have someone to kiss at midnight.
Oh, or Halloween if you're doing a couples costume.
Yeah, 'cause you can't have green eggs without ham.
Are we done, Kim and Khloe?
Or back to my point, two days before a very important dance.
So... you're telling me to hold off.
Against my better judgment, yes.
But won't it be like I'm leading her on if I take her to the dance, when I'm really just gonna break up with her later?
Wh... yeah, Mel, won't it?
Okay, let me explain this to your both so that you understand.
She has a dress, you're going to the dance.
Case closed. Oh, and by the way, Joe and I are chaperoning.
Okay, well, this just gets better and better.
You'll thank me someday.
Yeah, I don't think I will.
So here's a second pair of pants in case she needs it.
Why? We're not going out.
Yeah, but some stuff inside her might.
Eww. (Scoffs)
Hey, Stella, did I tell you how nice your dress looks?
Uh-huh. Anyway, so there's pureed bananas, some oatmeal and two bottles of breast milk.
They're still warm.
Yeah, you can just set those on the table.
So if I have to pick her up, are there gloves or tongs or something?
(Scoffs) Don't worry, okay?
If she gets fussy, turn on the twinkle light.
She loves them. So press this button for lights only, press this one for music only and hold them both down for lights and music.
Is there a tech support number?
Stell, don't you look adorable in your dress?
If there was an "unwed teen mom" magazine...
We would regret bringing that up. (Chuckles)
All right, let's go everybody.
All right, shall we?
Sure, why not?
Oh, hang on a second.
I don't know much about babies, but she kinda feels like a baked potato.
Oh no. I thought she was over this ear thing.
Look, I... I can't leave her if she's sick.
Oh, I'm sorry.
You're still paying me, though.
What?
Well, this was hard.
I almost touched breast milk.
And I almost care.
Gosh, you know, I really wish there was something I could do, but there isn't, so, later.
Way to be a team player!
What do we wanna do about the dance?
Well, clearly, I'm stuck with the baby, so you go and post some pictures of yourself having fun.
Okay, if that's what you want.
(Mutters) You're not going anywhere.
You know what, Stella? I just had a great idea, all by myself.
I think I should stay here.
I'm gonna stay here with you.
Ryder, that is so thoughtful of you.
(Whispers) Hey, you gonna be all right, man?
(Whispers) Sick baby and a girlfriend who hates me?
Par-tay.
(Dance music playing)
No dr*gs, no alcohol, no sex, none of those twerking moves with their butts.
You know, we were both here at 4:00, maybe even 3:00.
Actually, I think it was closer to 3:00.
Yeah.
We actually helped the guy open up the gym.
I like it. You're hungry.
Well, if you need to reach me, here are your walkie-talkies.
We get walkie-talkies? I love walkie-talkies.
(Chuckles) All right, look look look, I'm gonna be Eagle, you be Swan.
You can be Eagle and Swan.
Seriously?
Well, I'm gonna check the perimeter, keep the enemy guessing.
Enemy? They're high school kids.
They are animals with backpacks.
You know, they probably don't even know I'm an adult.
They probably just think I'm some hot senior transfer. (Clicks tongue)
Yeah, you're just like "Jump Street."
Okay, you see that? That's booze.
What? They're drinking sodas.
No no no, sodas fizz when you open 'em up.
Hey, you two, freeze right there!
Look at 'em, they're terrified. This might actually be fun.
Okay. Okay, baby Isabel.
(Crying)
Let's take a trip to Sleepytown, okay?
We are so pooped.
Everybody sleeps in Sleepytown.
Oh, there's rip van winkle and, oh, sleeping beauty, and Mitch Ratcliff. He's in my English class.
Sits behind me, sleeps through every class.
We sh**t spitballs at him.
And...
She's out.
(Softly) How did you do that?
I must've walked her for an hour.
Ah. It's a gift, really. I can put anyone to sleep.
(Burps)
(Gasps)
Oh.
(Laughing)
She get me?
She creamed you.
Ooh!
Oh great.
Well, once upon a time, this was a nice new suit.
Now it's a barf bag with pockets.
Oh. Look, I don't mean to make fun of you.
No no no, it's okay. It's really okay.
I haven't...
I haven't seen you laugh like that in a long time.
Oh, Ryder, I...
I love my daughter, but the work is just endless. And I was hoping I'd finally get one night of fun with you.
(Scoffs)
Hey.
Hey, we could still have fun.
What do they have at the dance that we don't have here?
Nice lighting...
A little music...
("This Old Man" playing)
What? Some dancing.
(Both laugh)
Come on, what do you say?
Well, I mean, how can I say no to a hot jam like this?
Okay.
(Dance music playing)
Hey, knock it off, will ya?
Knock it off.
What was wrong with that?
They weren't doing anything inappropriate.
They were doing the Superman. That was more than five years ago.
They were humiliating themselves.
All right, ease up, officer Longo.
Hey, you wanna dance?
Mel, please.
I'm on duty here.
There you are.
(Chuckles)
I just saw, uh...
Oh, no no, it's... It's okay, man.
We trust her.
Okay, two seniors just snuck into the coach's office.
They had sex in their eyes.
Way to go, Marvin.
Good job, man. Good job.
Look, I want you to do one more perimeter search and then check the parking lot. You see anything, you can reach me on my walkie.
Copy that, Eagle.
Way to go, Hawk. Huh? Hawk.
You have a snitch?
I have three.
(Scoffs)
Come on, Mel.
Let's go crush some teenage dreams, huh? Come on.
(Sighs)
What are you gonna do, kick it in?
Wouldn't that be great?
All right, you know what? It's go time.
(Sighs)
(Mouths)
All right, chaperones are here. On your feet.
That's right, game's over, everybody. Put away the bats and the balls.
Nobody's going to be crossing home plate tonight.
It was dark and we got lost.
Oh yeah? So naturally your compass was pointing north.
Uh, you're not gonna turn us in, are you?
Do I look like that type of person?
I mean, I look fun, hip and happening. Right?
So happening!
Yeah, absolutely.
Is that what it is? Yeah? Get out of here, all right?
Before we change our minds. Go on! Scram! b*at it!
(Chuckles) You're never more alive than when you're scaring people.
Why are you being so tough on a couple of kids?
Don't you remember what it was like to be young and fun?
Hey, I'm still young and fun.
Yeah, I don't see it tonight.
Yeah? You wanna see fun?
I'll show you fun.
(Lock clicks)
You actually owe me a favor.
(Scoffs)
I think it might be actually "fun" to cash in on that right about now.
What are you thinking, like couch or desk?
Ooh, I'm thinking...
Lady's choice.
Well, lady says... desk.
(Mutters) All right.
(Clatters)
Nothing ever breaks when they do it in the movies.
What are you...
Wait, wait, wait.
("The Wheels On The Bus" playing)
Ryder, I'm sorry if I've been kind of grumpy lately.
You? No. No.
I... I didn't even notice.
Yeah, you did.
Okay, you did seem a little, uh...
Bitchy?
Your word, not mine.
(Scoffs)
But hey... What... what's going on?
Do you not like me anymore?
No. Ryder, it's not you.
It's just... (Sighs)
Money's tight, my mom's always on my case and Isabel's dad suddenly can't even look after her one day a week.
You know, and I thought I could trust him, but I can't. I just...
I just can't trust anybody.
Hey. You can trust me.
I'm sorry to unload all of this on you.
No, it's okay.
(Sighs)
Hey, it's what I'm here for.
All right? I'm your boyfriend.
(Giggles)
(Dance music playing)
Well, that was very satisfying.
Yes, it was.
I cashed in my chit and you got a chit, too.
You know, it is good to cut loose every one in a while.
It certainly is.
So, should we show these kids how we do it?
What?
Dancing. I meant dancing.
We're pretty good at that, too. Come on.
(Kids cheer)
Eagle, chicken, come here. Right now.
Okay, I've just been informed that coach Higgins' office has been broken into this evening.
Students have told me they walked by the office door and heard all manner of animal noises coming from inside.
Feral cats, maybe.
Yeah, they can be very noisy, like...
(Screeching)
(Clears throat)
I've done some investigating and I have evidence of the two perpetrators.
Like D.N.A. evidence?
No, a broken trophy.
And I know who's responsible.
You do?
Those two degenerates over there.
I'm going to my office and I'm going to call their parents.
You two supervise while I'm gone.
Ha! We totally got away with it.
Are you kidding me? You're gonna let those two poor kids take the fall?
Absolutely. They're young.
You know, they've got their whole lives ahead of them.
With everything you were saying to Ryder about taking responsibility, that's how you're gonna act?
Well, it's different.
How?!
It's me!
Okay, fine. Ugh! Integrity sucks.
Excuse me, if I may. These aren't the people who broke the trophy.
No?
Nuh-uh.
Well, then who did?
Um, yeah.
Actually, the thing is, I... am not very proud to admit it, but it was, uh, us.
(Mouths)
Kind of a little Eagle-on-Swan action.
On the man's desk?!
(Mouths)
He eats his lunch there!
Oh, I did get some sesame seeds on my ass.
You two are the worst chaperones ever!
You will never work another dance at this school.
Darn it! Uh, okay, well, we still get our hours, right?
I mean, we were here at 3:00.
(Mouths)
(Sighs)
So that's what everybody's talking about.
(Laughs)
I gotta say I agree.
That's... that is really, really something.
(Laughs) It was.
And you know what else is great?
Tell me.
Isabel is still asleep.
Oh, not bad for my first time...
At... at putting Isabel to sleep.
(Both laugh)
I'm the man.
You know, Stella, any time you wanna come back, I'm available.
Aw, you're sweet.
(Chuckles)
Ah, my phone's dead. Hey, is there someplace that I can check my email?
Uh, yeah. Yeah, my computer's on the kitchen table.
Okay.
(Clears throat)
That was something, huh? Come on.
Getting caught by the vice-principal having sex in the coach's office, getting thrown out of the dance. What a night.
You know, throw in two hours at the police station, you've got my senior prom.
Hey, but you know what the important thing was?
Yes, we did not let those two poor kids take the fall.
Uh, yeah, I was gonna say I logged my 18 hours, but what you said was good, too.
It feels good to do the right thing, right?
Yup yup, we did the right thing, Ryder did the right thing. It was a great night for everybody.
Mm-hmm, sure was.
We're a dead flower?
God, I can't believe you were planning to break up with me!
But you went ahead and slept with me anyway?
No, I never wanna see you again.
Wait. No, Stella, Stella, I can explain.
Please, I... That's not how I feel now.
(Grunts)
Our... our flower is very much alive!
Hey.
(Door slams)
You wanna talk about it?
(Angrily) No.
(Mutters) Oh, thank God.
(Sighs)
What? He said he didn't want to talk about it.
Wha... (Sighs)
Oh, this being-a-good-person never ends.
Uh-huh.
Ryder honey, it was just a misunderstanding.
Oh, it's pretty understandable.
It was a disaster!
Oh, what'd Ryder screw up this time?
Actually, it was something Joe screwed up.
I was asked to give advice, I gave advice.
Okay, what exactly happened here?
I had sex tonight, Lennox.
Was anyone else involved?
Well, in a way, we all were.
Yup.
Metaphorically.
You know, I think if this family shared a little less, we would be a lot happier.
All right, I'm just gonna leave you guys with that.
Oh, you still owe me a hundred dollars.
Okay, 50.