"Melissa and Joey" is recorded in front of a live studio audience.
(Cheering, whistle tweeting on TV)
Oh, three-pointer! We got it!
Yes!
We're up by six now. We're unstoppable!
Why do guys say "we" when they watch sports?
I mean, women don't watch the cheerleaders and say, "Uh, we are such awesome dancers."
Speaking of awesome dancers...
Check out the pom-poms on that one.
Oh my God, dude, she is so...
Not my type.
Oh, man, it is so nice I can admit that I find other women attractive again.
(Slightly chuckles)
It's like when you're married, you have to pretend that your sex drive d*ed...
Along with all your opinions.
Gee, Charlie, it is such a mystery how your marriage didn't survive.
I'm telling you, man, getting divorced was the best thing that ever happened to me.
Divorce was pretty good for me too, buddy.
(Chuckles)
Otherwise, I never would have met you, right, honey?
Right...
Hey, Mel, you know, back in business school, Joe here used to have, like, a different chick every night.
Well... (Chuckles)
His business was booming.
Right?
Yeah.
I'm surprised he gave that up.
Well, you know, being with me is like being with a different woman every night.
Oh, yeah. Hormonal thing, right?
It so lucky for us women that you are back on the market.
(Theme music playing)
♪ It's all good ♪
♪ all good ♪
♪ it's okay ♪
♪ okay ♪
♪ it's all right ♪
♪ all right ♪
♪ as far as I can see ♪
♪ it's all good ♪
♪ all good ♪
♪ it's okay ♪
♪ okay ♪
♪ it's all right ♪
♪ all right ♪
♪ I guess you're stuck ♪
♪ with me. ♪
Hey.
Morning, Joe.
Morning, Mel. Oh, hey, um...
So, look, since you're gonna be going to this museum work thing tonight, I think I'm gonna go hit up a couple of bars with Charlie.
Ohh, so you're going bar-hopping with your horndog pal.
Are you gonna get there in time for sleazy hour or is that just what they call it when Charlie gets there?
I'm trying to be a supportive friend here, honey.
He asked me to be his wingman, I'm gonna go.
Talk him up to the ladies, you know, make him look good.
That's gonna take a lot of talking.
You really wanna do this?
What's the matter? Huh?
You don't trust me at a bar?
Of course I trust you.
I just don't trust Charlie.
But, you know... fine, you can go.
Oh, so I have your permission?
Well, I mean, you know, do whatever you like, sweetie.
Because as we both know, I trust you.
Thank you. Mwah.
Have fun.
(Laughs)
But you don't mean that, do you?
Not at all.
Okay.
Then Simone De Beauvoir tells Cassandra that heterosexual relationships are merely just a societal construct of the patriarchy.
Sure, I can animate that.
Speaking of heterosexual relationships, how's yours going?
You, uh, hanging out with Emerson this weekend?
We broke up.
(Gasps)
Don't look surprised.
Ryder told me that he told you.
Oh, yeah, it's all coming back to me now.
There it is! Anyhoo...
Originally, we broke up 'cause of the whole long-distance thing, but we're short-distance now...
Like two feet.
See where I'm going with this?
Okay.
Zander, no.
I'm just not focused on being in a relationship right now, you know?
I need to widen my horizons, and you should do the same.
Expand your circle of friends beyond, you know, me.
For your information, I am expanding my circle.
I'm seeing a house-share on Emmylou's list tomorrow.
Two students need a third roommate, and that would expand my circle by two.
Emmylou's list? Isn't that that site that had the serial cannibal m*rder*r eating everybody?
Nah, that's an urban legend.
No. No, it's not.
This guy would post that he needed roommates, right?
And when the fresh-faced student showed up for the interview, he'd eat their fresh faces.
Good luck apartment-hunting.
Ryder!
Hey! Okay!
I'm sorry. I'm sure not everyone who has a room for rent wants to eat your face.
So about that thing tomorrow...
It's more of like an interview, so maybe, you wanna come with me.
You know? Talk me up, make me look good.
And call the police if someone tries to bake you in a pie.
No, that's silly...
You're coming, though, right?
(Dance music playing)
The pond is well stocked tonight.
What's the matter with her?
She was looking at you.
In fact, every woman who's here by herself is just gonna want to talk to you.
(Sighs)
You're too damn good looking.
It can be a curse.
All right, all right.
The two-on-one is not gonna work.
New strategy.
We try the pick-off, all right?
Um... look at those two.
I take the brunette, you take the redhead.
Divide and conquer.
Wait wait wait.
I'm just really here to talk you up to the ladies.
I'm not here to conquer anything myself.
No, and you don't have to.
Just peel that one away so I can talk to the brunette.
Yeah, but what if she gets too interested?
When ladies start talking to this...
It happens.
Come on. It's just flirting.
Catch and release, man. You know.
Reel her in and then set that guppy free. That's it.
Oh, and don't mention you have a girlfriend, all right?
Apparently, that's a turn-off for some women.
I don't know, Charlie.
For me, Joe. Come on.
Do this one for me, please?
I got a good girl at home, man.
I don't want to partake in anything that could get sketchy.
All right, all right.
Okay, I see. You don't think you can do it anymore, right?
Is that it? You think you've lost your game?
Wait a second. Back up, dude.
First of all, I created game.
I could get the number of all these women in here if I wanted to, all right?
Half the guys if I was so inclined.
Watch and learn.
Ladies, good evening.
Hi.
All right, look.
Let's just cut to the chase.
Are we the four hottest people in here tonight, or what?
You two play your cards right, and Charlie and I may let you hang out with us.
Oh, lucky us.
(Chuckles)
I'm Darcy. And you are?
Buy me a drink and I'll tell you.
Oh, you think you're worth a drink?
Several. And all top shelf.
Come on, let's leave these two alone.
They look like they're about to hit it off as well as we are.
Oh, you're pretty confident.
Well, it's not me, it's you.
You're just bringing me out of my shell.
Oh, hey, man.
Hey.
(Tires squeal, car crashes through computer)
Wow.
You're hitting a lot of cars there.
Yeah, yeah. It's part of the game.
It's called "Angry Valet."
And I just won. (Chuckles)
(Sighs) So what are these?
What are what? Oh, those...
"Angie, Lisa, Tessa..."
What, girls numbers on napkins?
What are these, fossils from the '80s or something?
No, no, I just didn't want any evidence on my phone.
Evidence?
Did I just say "evidence"?
I didn't mean evidence. I meant extraneous information.
I was out tonight hitting a couple bars with Charlie.
You know, helping him to meet the ladies.
How come you have all the phone numbers then?
I have the phone numbers because I was the wingman.
So it was my job to take one of the girls away so he could swoop in and work his magic.
It was totally innocent.
Joe, are you sweating?
Am I... no, no, dude. I'm not... no.
I'm not sweating. I'm not sweating.
No no no.
And as a matter of fact, I'm not gonna be calling any one of these eight or nine girls.
Not even, uh... not even Cynthia, who was... oh my God, dude.
See, it's called catch and release, pal.
You get the girl on the hook and then you throw her back in.
Totally innocent.
Why do you keep saying that?
Because it's true!
All right?
It was actually... you know what it was?
It was an act of charity.
That you would rather aunt Mel not know about.
Well, yeah. Dude...
You don't do charity work and then brag about it.
I'm throwing these numbers away right now.
Hold up. Those numbers, they're of available women who would sleep with someone they hardly know, right?
Pretty much.
Can I have one?
Ryder, come on.
You know the old expression. (Chuckles)
Nope.
Oh, hey.
Hey.
So how did it go last night, mighty wingman?
Good.
Not great though. Definitely not great.
Yeah, well I was wrong not to trust you.
Wait a minute. You said you trusted me completely.
Yeah... I didn't.
But you know, this feels so much better, being totally honest with each other.
Hey, what's this? "Megan 653"...
Ooh, that's mine.
Oh, yeah. Yeah that's the number of that girl that you said you weren't gonna call, right?
Uh-huh, uh-huh.
Wait, you got a girl's number and you're not gonna call her?
Yes, apparently that's what happened.
That's terrible. I don't want you to be one of these guys that gets a girl's number then just forgets about her.
This girl is a human being. She is waiting for that call.
(Scoffs) Yeah, Ryder.
You really didn't think this through, did you, pal?
Ooh, no, I did not.
Oh, Joe, it's so good to have you here so you can impart these valuable lessons onto me.
It's like you're the wingman in my life, you know?
I like to help the young people.
Well, Joe, you got this.
(Chuckles) I'll take care of it, honey.
You know, for cannibals, these guys have beautiful plants.
I wonder what they use for fertilizer?
Yes. (Chuckles)
A funny joke about me being m*rder*d.
(Chuckles)
(Door opens)
Hi. You must be Zander.
I'm Chris.
Oh, you're a girl.
How about that? Chris is a girl.
I saw.
And I'm Jordan.
Jordan's a girl too.
Come in. But please take off your shoes.
We kick it Asian style.
I love Asian style.
And kickin' it.
Um, okay.
It's fine.
Don't wait for me!
Ooh!
(Clatters)
I'm doing a "Create your own major"...
The impact of imperialism on female sexuality...
And Jordan studies dance.
Wow, you can kick that high.
Did you see that?
What that giant step back for feminism?
Yes, I did.
Anyhow, we're looking for a roommate who's chill.
Oh, I'm chill. So chill.
Almost frozen.
We're not uptight here.
You can walk around in your underwear if you want.
We do it all the time.
I'll keep an open mind about that.
So is this your girlfriend?
No. Uh-uh. No no.
No, we're just friends.
No, I don't have a girlfriend.
Me neither.
Or a boyfriend.
Or whatever.
(Both chuckle)
So, Zander, I have to confess.
We looked you up online.
We love your "Cassandra" web series.
Such great stories.
Thank you.
Actually, the series is based on my short stories.
That are mine.
Written by me.
Great.
The room that's available isn't that big.
But bonus, we do have a hot tub.
It's small, but it fits three if you don't mind getting cozy.
Come see.
You know, I don't even care if they turn out to be cannibals.
It's been hours.
Is it weird that I haven't heard back yet?
It'll be such a great place to live.
I don't think so. It was cramped, and there was this really odd smell in the kitchen.
The girls were baking cookies.
Hold up. You're living with girls?
If things work out, yeah.
Chris and Jordan. Here they are.
Oh my God.
Hot girls who bake cookies.
You need to live there.
Uh, why do you have a picture of them on your phone?
Oh, I was taking a picture of what could be my bedroom and they photo bombed the sh*t.
Here's another one.
They're jumping on my bed.
Wow.
She is super flexible.
Could you email that to me?
Yes.
Okay, stop that. Put your phone away.
Look, I just... seriously, I think it's in a really sketchy neighborhood, and I found a place that's a lot better.
Here, check this out.
Look, no roommates to bother you, lots of space, fresh air.
Uh-huh. It's on a farm...
And I'd have to shovel manure.
Yeah, but did you see the price?
It's a really good deal.
And... there's goats.
I'd still go with girls...
And I love goats.
So why are you so against this?
Wait, hold... (Gasps)
Are you jealous?
What? No.
That's... that's ridiculous.
That's like science fiction of strange worlds that could never be.
Doesn't matter.
It's probably not gonna happen anyway.
I'm not cool enough for them.
(Cellphone rings)
(Gasps) Holy crap, I am cool enough!
Chris says I can move in right away, and there's a hot tub party tonight to celebrate.
(Gasps)
There's a midnight sheep shearing at the farm.
So, not that I don't love coming to your work functions with you, but how long do we have to stay here?
At least until I can find the new development director of the museum.
I've got to go say "hi."
Well, I'll help you find her. What does she look like?
Oh, that's her over there.
Oh, good. Let's go say hi, 'cause the sooner we say hi, the sooner we can get...
Oh... (Clears throat)
You know what, honey? Are you sure you want to say hi to her, because she looks like a boring suit to me.
There's so many cooler people here that we could be talking to.
Like... oh, what about that guy in the ascot? He looks...
Very interesting.
I bet he lives on a yacht.
No, okay look. Come with me.
I can't remember her name, so you introduce yourself.
She'll say her name and then I won't look like some diva who can't be bothered to learn anyone's name.
It's Darcy.
How do you know that?
(Stammering) How do I... because...
Because I've... I read her name tag.
What name tag?
Oh, it's... must have fallen off.
Honey, you're getting caught up in the details here.
Come on, we're at a party.
Hello, Councilwoman.
Oh, hi.
Hey. Oh.
Well, I didn't expect to see you here, Damien.
No, this isn't Damien. This is Joe.
No, this is Damien Del Marco.
Special agent Damien Del Marco, right?
There seems to be a little confusion here.
(Gasps)
Sorry, I didn't mean to blow your cover.
But I was looking forward to seeing you again.
Why haven't you called me?
Yeah.
Why haven't you called her?
Hold on.
Is this your girlfriend?
Yes.
My beautiful, beautiful girlfriend.
Then why were you in a bar hitting on me?
Um, wait a minute now. In all fairness, I don't think I was hitting on you.
You said you and I were the best looking people in the bar.
And how is that hitting on somebody?
You gave me your phone number.
I gave you my... are you sure about that?
I don't really... I don't think I gave her my...
I have a girlfriend, okay?
And we don't... oh, honey. Look at that.
Little cheeseburgers. Come on.
I'll tell you, they just make 'em littler and littler every year, don't they?
(Cellphone rings)
That's not your phone? Is that my phone?
(Ringing)
It's my phone.
Who's calling me?
(Ringing continues)
You gonna get that...
Damien?
It's called catch and release, honey. It's harmless.
Would you keep your voice down? I work with these people.
I swear, okay? Nothing happened.
I exchanged phone numbers with six other women that night, too.
Great! Oh, that makes it so much better.
Hey hey hey. You want to be mad at somebody, be mad at Charlie, all right? This is his fault.
It was all his idea. He made me do it.
Oh, he made you? Is this the same Charlie you said was such a great guy?
You know what? I'm starting to come around to your way of thinking on that.
I think Charlie may have some serious character flaws.
Is that your professional opinion as a secret agent?
Hey, Len. What you doing here?
Um, I just happened to be in the neighborhood and saw that "The Big Lebowski" is playing at the $2 theater, and since it's your favorite movie, I thought maybe you'd want to go see it?
Oh, you know, I just saw it last night with Chris and Jordan.
Can you believe they've never seen it?
I've got so much to teach these girls.
No doubt.
Well, you know, since I'm here in your neighborhood coincidentally...
Do you maybe want to do something else tonight?
Oh, I wish I could, but we kind of already have plans.
Oh. We who?
Oh, some people from Jordan's dance class are coming over.
It's Polynesian night.
But hey, you could probably join us for dinner if you want.
Oh, nah.
I had Polynesian for lunch.
Hey, Z.
You're supposed to be watching the mung beans.
I'm on it.
They call me Z.
And it's my job to watch the mung beans.
I can't believe you're walking around in that.
That's my kimono.
Oh, right.
(Both chuckle)
It's like this all day.
Yeah, well, uh...
I should go.
Well, if you change your mind, just text me.
Aloha.
Which in Hawaiian means hello and goodbye.
Yeah.
Aloha, Z.
I tore up all the phone numbers as soon as I got home.
Yes, but you took them.
I was doing my job as the wingman.
It was my duty! All right, whatever.
Maybe I took it a little too far.
I do feel bad about that. I want to make it up to you.
What do you want?
I want you to tell me the truth, Joe.
I told you the truth. Charlie made me.
Oh, so what are you, a puppet?
Did he stick his hand up your butt and parade you around the bar?
I said I want you to tell me the truth.
Some part of you must have wanted to do what you did, or you would have said no.
So you want total honesty?
Yes.
I mean, our relationship should be a safe zone where you can say whatever you feel.
Fine.
The truth is...
(Sighs)
Yeah.
A little part of me liked it.
You know, it was exciting knowing that I still got it.
I mean, you're at the bar, and you're talking to some beautiful woman and she's looking at you in the eyes and you know that she wants you.
It's like a rush.
Wow.
That is so awesome to be honest like that.
That was amazing.
Honey, I gotta tell you something.
I have never felt so safe in a relationship before.
You pig.
I'm not enough for you?!
What?! Wait a minute.
You told me you wanted me to tell you the truth!
Yeah, but not that truth!
What did you think I was gonna say?!
I don't know. Something like that.
But I thought you'd at least pretend to be ashamed!
I mean, the way you said it, you were just so happy.
It was all theoretical.
Come on. Yes, I could have other women out there, but I chose you.
Oh, lucky lucky me.
What... that was a compliment.
Come on. I don't get it.
You told me to be honest with you.
Okay, there's a difference between being honest and being cruel. Some things you just don't say.
(Sighs)
Like you don't tell someone that you fantasize about someone else while you're making love to them.
Wait a minute. You...
You fantasize about other people when we make love?
No, I said someone fantasizes about someone else.
You do it?
No! Sometimes.
Here and there. Look, as long as I don't act on it.
It's okay to think things. It's okay to have fantasies.
Fantasies. Exactly right.
That's all I was doing. I was fantasizing.
Only difference is you role-play up here, I was role-playing at a bar. It's the same thing.
No no no. It's not the same thing, Joe.
Yes, it is.
You know what? All right fine. Whatever.
I'm 10% more guilty than you.
50.
25.
30.
Final offer.
(Chuckles)
Who do you fantasize about?
(Sighs)
Hmm?
Is it Antonio Banderas?
Is it?
Because...
(Spanish accent) I can be Antonio Banderas.
Oh, yeah?
Well, can you be Brad Pitt?
(Chuckles)
If you can be Angelina Jolie.
Not a problem there.
I'm hot, I'm mysterious, and I'm raising kids that didn't come out of me.
Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
Are you still mad at me?
Shh. Brad, don't talk.
Trying to concentrate here.
(Dance music playing)
I've been watching you all night from across the room, and you're so beautiful, I just wouldn't forgive myself if I didn't come over.
(French accent) You look familiar.
I have seen your face before?
That's impossible.
My identity is highly secret.
For the safety of...
The President.
Can I buy you another drink?
That depends.
Do you have a girlfriend?
(Chuckles)
No.
What do you mean you don't have a girlfriend?
But I thought...
Is this a trap, Mel?
Who is this Mel?
And is she as beautiful as me?
I feel like there's no good way to answer that.
And when this Mel asked you to go to the drycleaner yesterday, did they really close early?
Whose fantasy is this?