"Melissa & Joey" is recorded in front of a large studio audience.
Joe! Joe!
Get in here and see what your fiancee has done.
Hey, good. You're home.
Listen, I have to tell you something.
Ugh! Me first.
I just spent so much money.
I melted the strip off three credit cards.
That's a new personal best for you, isn't it?
Listen, honey, I got some news.
Well, you'll have to wait till I talk 'cause I am the bride and the bride always gets her way.
Okay.
You can only use that bride-to-be card for another three weeks though until we actually get married.
Oh, you keep telling yourself that, handsome.
Okay, let's go to my wedding Bible and figure out what miracles I have accomplished today.
Okay, I ordered the matchbooks, I chose my bouquet, and I narrowed it down to three veils.
Oh, and most important, I selected our champagne after a thorough and rigorous tasting of 40 different sparkling wines.
Which one did you pick?
Oh, who knows?
I'm gonna be as surprised as you are.
Honey, I thought you already chose all the stuff you liked for the wedding after you were planning your friend Carrie's wedding.
Brides like to change their minds at the last minute.
Oh, but don't worry. I'm too exhausted to change the groom.
That's good to know.
Thanks.
It sounds like you got a lot left to do.
I mean, maybe even too much just for one person, you know?
You might need some help. My mother would actually, you know, love to help you plan the wedding.
And you told her no, right?
Yeah, that wouldn't work.
See, the word "no" occurs at a frequency that she doesn't hear.
Well, you better find a way to make her hear it.
Say it low.
Yeah, honey, listen. Before you go... oh, boy.
Mel! Let me give my Joey's bride a hug.
Gloria.
How unannounced.
I mean, unexpected.
For the next three weeks, you're not gonna have to lift a finger.
I'm gonna take care of every last wedding detail.
Oh, no. That's not necessary.
(Low pitch) I mean, no, that's not necessary.
(Theme music plays)
♪ It's all good ♪
♪ All good ♪
♪ it's okay ♪
♪ Okay ♪
♪ it's all right ♪
♪ All right ♪
♪ as far as I can see ♪
♪ it's all good ♪
♪ All good ♪
♪ it's okay ♪
♪ Okay ♪
♪ it's all right ♪
♪ All right ♪
♪ I guess you're stuck ♪
♪ with me. ♪
I didn't even tell Joey I was coming.
He's so proud.
He'd never admit you needed help, but of course you do.
Oh, no, no.
I really, really don't.
Oh, honey, I know why this is a hurry-up wedding.
(Laughs)
I put two and two together.
I am not pregnant.
Oh, of course you're not.
If, uh, you need to hit something, honey, you can just hit me, okay?
My wedding Bible.
This book has helped a dozen brides plan their wedding.
And now it's yours.
Well, everything in here is from the '90s.
Oh, the last great decade for style.
Who doesn't love an oversized bow?
Oh! I brought a whole collection in a pet carrier.
Since the dog d*ed, what am I gonna do with it?
If she thinks for one second she is taking over this wedding...
Honey, she is not taking over.
She just wants to feel useful.
She put her wedding Bible on top of my wedding Bible.
That is not an accident.
That is an act of w*r.
Okay, all right, look.
Let's... let's think about positive things, all right?
Because we're planning this wedding so quickly, very few of our relatives are actually gonna be able to come.
You know, like... Like your mom.
I mean, she's not gonna be able to make it because she's still on her plastic surgery tour of South America.
Oh, that's right. She can't travel until her butt settles.
Yes, and my dad's not gonna be able to make it because my dad's been awol for the...
You know, the last two decades.
And my brother Tony, after the way he hit on you the last time he was here, well, he's certainly not welcome anymore.
And my sister's still in jail.
We really lucked out with that one.
You see? The system works.
So we should be happy. I mean, honestly, honey, if you think about it, the ratio of difficult relatives who can and can't come to our wedding is really very much in our favor.
Yeah, but what do we do about your mom?
Listen to her ideas.
Tell her that you'll think about it, then, you know, you do whatever you want.
Oh, you mean, like I do with...
People at work?
That was a nice save.
(Knocking)
Oh, you got your nerd uniform on.
Ha. Actually, my official title is game master.
Now, there's a panty-dropper.
So, uh, listen.
I noticed Facebook is blowing up with humble brags about college acceptances.
And I was just wondering if there was any news on the college front in this room.
Nope, 'cause I didn't apply to any.
Ryder, are you crazy?
Uh, no. No.
Crazy would be going to college when you already have a sweet career.
You work at a laser tag place and you make minimum wage.
But I have maximum fun.
No, Ryder, you have to go to college.
You know what? Plenty of successful people didn't go to college, okay.
Abraham Lincoln, Harry Truman, Moses, Jesus.
Okay, you get 12 disciples and I'll back off.
Look, this job may be cute now, but it's not gonna be so cute when you're 35, living in a basement, playing Call of Duty all day, and eating nothing but junk food.
You make my future sound...
Awesome.
All right, that's it. I'm telling Mel and Joe about this college thing right now.
Oh, yeah, yeah. That's great timing.
Why don't you tell aunt Mel and Joe while they're all stressed out about the wedding?
Ugh, okay, fine!
I won't tell them yet, but I am going to fix this.
I am not letting you waste your life fishing quarters out of broken arcade games.
Lennox, no. That would never happen.
We use tokens.
Real candles are so messy.
What you want are the battery-operated ones.
But I love real candles.
(Glass clinking)
(Louder clinking)
And... I will think about that.
And for the reception, you don't have to go all crazy with the salmon and the steak.
Stick to the classics, ravioli.
Huh, wedding ravioli?
Yeah, I'll think about that.
You keep saying you'll think about that, but I don't think you're gonna think about that.
Are you humoring me?
No! I mean, what kind of person would do that?
Not Mel, Mom, because she values your opinion.
So what's next on the list?
Tablecloths.
Well, I am going with a classic white.
Rookie mistake.
You want red... Covers the wine stains.
But the bride wants white.
What do you say, Joseph?
White or red?
Uh...
Why don't we just go with pink?
Pink's terrible!
No, no one uses pink.
Well, whatever. What do I know?
Joe, look, it's your wedding too.
Okay, why don't you just say what you honestly prefer? White or red?
There's no wrong answer.
Oh, okay.
Well then, red.
Are you frickin' kidding me?!
She'll come around.
How could you choose your mother over me?
You asked what I honestly preferred!
Don't you know a trick question when you hear one?
Honey, you shouldn't be getting this upset about red tablecloth.
White tablecloths!
All right! White! I love white!
I think white's amazing! Listen, the first thing we need to do is get my mom far, far away from you.
On board.
Okay.
So we need to come up with something for her to do.
I was thinking about it, all right.
A couple days ago, you came to me.
You said that you narrowed down the photographers to five choices.
And you love them all, right?
She's not gone yet.
I'm working on it!
I'm working on it. Listen to me.
Let her choose the photographer.
Okay? This way, she'll think she's doing something very important. Instead of just the time-consuming busywork that that actually is.
Ooh, you are an evil genius.
Oh, and in three weeks I will be Mrs. Evil genius.
But maybe I should hyphen it, you know, Burke-Longo-Evil genius.
And that's why selecting the photographer is a vitally important task.
But shouldn't I be there with you for the really important decisions, like choosing the doilies or tasting the crab cakes?
Mom, come on. In 50 years, are people still gonna be talking about the doilies? No.
Are they gonna be tasting the crab cakes?
God, I hope not.
No, Mom, they're gonna be talking about the photographs. You know why, Mom?
Because the photographs, they last forever.
That's just beautiful. All right.
You need me.
I'll do it.
Oh, Mom, listen.
Take your time when you're choosing these photographers now, all right?
Interview each guy twice if you have to.
Three times, 'cause any job worth doing is worth doing slowly.
Big sister to the rescue.
I have a plan to get you into college.
Stimpson and Plakard College.
Their motto is "we may not be your first choice, but, hey, you got in."
And they accept late applications for special cases.
What's my special case?
You're an idiot.
All you have to do is write an essay of why you chose "S and P College".
Oh, that's easy.
'Cause my pushy sister filled out an application when I told her not to.
Well, actually, that'll probably get you in, but I would add a few paragraphs just in case.
I understand that you're worried about my future, but don't worry. All right?
I have a plan.
I just... I can't tell you about it yet.
Oh, you have a secret plan?
Do you wear tights and fight crime?
You know what? I'm not even gonna dignify that with a response, but don't look in my closet.
Hey, you want to look over the playlist for the D.J. again?
You didn't sneak "I like big butts" back on there again, right?
What? No.
(Clicking)
Oh, this all feels so good.
The last 24 hours have been Gloria-free and I've been able to do everything myself.
What?
Ourself!
I have done everything "ourself."
You know, speaking of my mom, I'm actually gonna go check on her.
I want to see how the photographer search is coming.
Make sure she's not making too much progress.
Mom, hey.
Joey, taste this and tell me it's perfect.
Okay.
You know what, Mom? That is perfect.
Like I didn't know that.
So how's the photographer search coming?
I booked a guy.
But not one of your choices.
Someone better and cheaper.
Your brother Tony.
What?! Mom!
No, he's not welcome here.
Of course he is. He's your brother.
Mom, look, it's... It's not even about me.
It's more about my bride-to-be.
Okay, okay, listen.
Two years ago Tony was here.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, but he hit on Mel.
Oh, that's what he does.
Mom, he talked her into taking her clothes off and then he took pictures of her and posted 'em on his skeezy website.
That is, like, inexcusable.
Mel wasn't even your girlfriend two years ago.
Boy, she really made you work for it.
Smart girl.
Look, it doesn't even matter what I think, okay?
Because when she hears this, Mel is gonna hit the roof.
Uh, why am I gonna hit the roof?
Honey, stay calm.
My mother didn't choose any of the photographers from your list.
She went rogue. All right. She...
She hired my brother Tony.
That's a great idea.
You see how pissed off you just...
Wait a minute! What?!
No, no! After what he did to you the last time, he's not welcome here.
He's a wonderful photographer.
He took beautiful pictures of me.
Half naked!
Ugh, it all ended well.
Uh, after a fistfight!
Over me.
Which you won.
Oh, Joey, it's gonna be fine.
Listen to your fiancee.
Thank you, Gloria.
I'm gonna go call Tony.
He said he'd be here by dinner.
And tomorrow, he'll take your engagement pictures.
Joey, watch the sauce.
I cannot believe you just chose my mother over me.
Oh, I guess the pink tablecloth is on the other foot now, huh?
Yeah, I'm gonna lay down the law with my mom.
All right, Tony's not setting foot inside this house.
I got to say, I was surprised to be invited.
You weren't the only one, Tony.
So, Ryder, you're a senior now, huh?
Mm-hmm.
How's it going with the ladies?
You know, I'm actually having a pretty good year.
Just wait till you get to college, buddy.
If you're like me, it'll be the best six years of your life.
So the acceptances rolling in?
(Scoffs)
Oh, uh...
Who wants to talk about boring, old college when there is a big-ass wedding happening?
You know, you've got brides. You've got grooms.
You've got heartfelt toasts.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
I, uh... I got one.
To my brother Joe...
I guess you're not the nanny anymore.
Finally crawled out of the basement into the landlady's bedroom.
Cheers.
(Forced) Ha ha ha ha!
That's funny. That's funny.
Tony, can I show you something in the living room just real quick, please?
Oh, yeah, sure.
Ryder, you spilled sauce everywhere.
Bet you wish you had a red tablecloth right about now, huh?
So, uh, what'd you want to show me?
The door.
Yeah, 'cause if you don't start showing Mel and me a little more respect, that's where you're gonna be headed.
So what? If I say the wrong thing, you're gonna kick me out?
Yeah, that's it.
Well, I mean, it could be tough to know if what I'm saying is the wrong thing.
I mean, what if I make an innocent comment about how all your girlfriends dated you to get to me?
I mean, would that be the wrong thing?
That could be one.
You know what another one could be is listing any more.
All right, you know, I'm still not clear.
I mean, what if I said, Mel was more attracted to a certain brother of yours?
Tony, please. You know, come on, man.
For the sake of your face and my knuckles, will you just stop talking?
Okay, okay, I get it.
She picked you. You won, I lost.
You were in town.
I wasn't available.
That's it! Come here!
Come here! That's it!
Boys! Boys! You can't get through one meal without fighting?!
He started it!
What are you doing?
Don't fight near my couch. That's suede.
This is all my fault.
I invited Tony and expected family harmony, which was clearly too much to hope for.
So I'm gonna leave before I do any more damage.
I'll go pack right now.
Mom!
No, I'll just leave my things.
I don't deserve them.
Mom, wait a minute. Wait a minute.
Look, look, we'll... We'll stop fighting, okay?
Tony can...
(Forced) Stay.
Good boy. Go hug your brother, Joey.
Mom, I don't want to.
Hug him!
Listen to your mother, Joe.
I don't...
I just... All right, I will...
Come on.
Come on, get in here.
All right. Oh, that's good.
Okay.
Oh my God, so much handsome came out of me.
(Children cheering)
All right. All right. Who's the game master?
Boy: You are!
Ryder: Yeah!
And the game master says that there is pizza ready in the heroes lair, also known as birthday room A.
(Cheering)
Everybody, everybody, since it's Liam's birthday, he leads, okay? Everybody follow him.
Is that all right, Liam?
Follow me, everybody!
(Cheering)
Wow, you have the worst job in the world.
You kidding? I love this.
I get cake like six times a day.
So what's up?
I wanted your college essay to be at least semi-literate.
So I wrote it.
Now read it so we can send it in, you know, in case your secret plan doesn't work out.
Fine.
Scanlon.
I had a call from Mrs. Horowitz.
She was extremely happy with how you handled Adam's birthday.
Adam's a great kid.
Adam's the devil's spawn who'll blow up a bridge one day.
But this makes my decision easy.
You are the new Saturday manager.
Are you serious?
Thanks, boss.
You get a raise, your own set of keys, and I'm gonna train you how to do bank deposits.
You're trusting him with actual money?
Scanlon, you earned it.
The laser tag business needs go-getters like you.
That's my plan.
God, I'm like Moses, but with more responsibility.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. You're giving up college to be the Saturday laser tag manager?
Hey, I'm great with kids, okay?
And the birthday party business is a growing industry, Lennox.
I'm just... I'm just riding a wave.
So can we drop it about the whole college thing?
Well, this isn't exactly what I pictured for you, but you found something you're passionate about so I have to respect that.
Thank you for finally understanding the work I do here is important.
Scanlon, some kid puked on the air hockey table.
Oh, I'm on it.
As a matter of fact, I'm all over it.
I wish I had 10 more like him.
Oh, that's great, guys.
It's beautiful.
Okay, now, Mel, why don't you put your arm around Joe?
You know, like you actually like him.
(Laughs)
She likes me just fine.
Well, I don't know.
Okay, you know what? We're good here.
Why don't we head over to the park?
Actually, you know what? I'm sort of tired of the whole clickity-click.
What? The park, it'll be a really great background.
I don't really think it's that great of a background.
Ooh, it's pretty good. Lot of good angles.
Yeah, you want a good angle?
Why don't you take a sh*t of my butt saying "bye-bye."
Hey, I'm sorry.
He's been a little stressed out about this wedding, but uh...
I bet you'd be psyched to marry me, right?
Yeah, for sure.
Hey, don't worry about Joe, all right?
He's been clenched his whole life.
I think that's why everyone says I'm the likable one.
Oh, you are pretty likable.
Yeah, I'm like a puppy, a sexy puppy.
(Laughs)
Hey, why don't I touch up these photos?
And you can come by in a couple hours and see what we got.
Great.
Okay, I can't wait.
Okay.
Oh, um, can you... Could... like...
Make you two shades tanner, a cup size larger, and teeth as brilliant as the sun.
How did you know?
It's the bride-to-be special.
You won't even recognize yourself.
Oh, I will.
That's how I picture myself in my mind.
Wow, these photos are amazing.
I mean, you can barely tell how impatient Joe was.
Yeah, Photoshop's got a great new tool called "grouch remover."
(Laughs)
You know, it's so great that you could come.
You know, I'm kind of thinking maybe it was your idea to bring me here.
Well, I have to confess.
I wasn't against it.
So are you ready to take the plunge and settle down into boring, old married life?
Hey, I'm not married yet.
I think there's still a wild time or two left in this tigress. Meow.
Oh, yeah?
Oh, yeah.
Oh, hey, um, since Joe's not here, there's something I want you to do.
Oh, I'm listening.
Okay, well, we have to keep it a secret.
Hey, I love secrets.
Don't go anywhere.
Okay.
I'll be right back with everything we need.
I'll be here.
I thought you could make a slide show out of all these old photos.
Oh, Tony!
What are you doing?!
Well, this is what you wanted, right?
To go a little wild?
No, how could you think that?
But I thought...
Oh, this is awkward.
Gloria: Tony, honey, I made you...
Holy cannoli!
Put that away!
It was an honest misunderstanding.
I'm a good guy.
Yeah, you're the best. Now please get out before Joe comes home and kills you.
I don't want to be a prison wife.
I need more than one conjugal visit every six months.
This wasn't my fault, all right?
She was giving me very misleading signals.
Well, she's giving you a very clear signal now.
Get the hell out!
Bye, Mom, I love you.
Take care, sweetheart.
We will never speak of this again.
We won't tell Joey what almost happened.
It didn't almost happen.
Tony's very appealing.
No one would blame you.
No one would blame me because nothing happened.
Okay, we'll go with that story.
But the important thing is Joey doesn't know and a bloodbath was averted.
Aww, look, we're sharing our first dark family secret.
The first of many, I hope.
(Giggles)
The first of many what?
Oh, nothing.
There are things that a mother and her daughter-in-law share that a son should never know.
And a husband doesn't need to find out.
(Snickers)
Wha...
I think I liked it better when you two weren't getting along.
(Giggling)
And over here the is table 14 for all your single friends.
I put the bar, right next to it...
They won't be single for long.
How come Tony's not sitting at that table?
Actually, Mom, I don't see Tony anywhere on this chart.
Actually, your brother is not gonna be there.
What? Why?
My decision.
I didn't want a wrestling match at the wedding.
Mom, there's not gonna be a wrestling match.
Listen, I've been thinking a lot about what you two ladies said.
You know, about not writing off family, learning to forgive. Yes, Tony drives me nuts, but I love him. He's my brother.
And I can't get married without him there.
Joey, you don't know what he did.
Mom, it doesn't matter what he did.
Nothing he could possibly have done would change my mind about that.
What? What?
Yeah.
He did...
Full cannoli?
That's gonna take a little time to get over.