Previously on "Melissa & Joey..."
A secret daughter?
Then that would make you my dad?
It would.
How do I know I can trust you?
You don't have to worry about trusting me anymore. We're done.
Dani, what are you doing here?
Like I was gonna miss my dad's wedding.
"Melissa & Joey" is recorded in front of a live studio audience.
You know, I don't know what I'm more angry about.
The fact that you ran away from home without telling your mother or that you just stuck me with a $400 cab fair.
In my defense, I tried to pay with these earrings.
They're real gold.
Aww, Joe, that's so sweet.
Dani was gonna give up her earrings to see her dad.
Oh, these aren't mine. These are my mom's.
You stole them?!
What?! I'm gonna get them when she dies.
Okay, look, that's not so bad.
When I was in college, I tried to pay a cab driver by giving him a...
Mel!
Borrowed credit card from my dad!
What did you think I was gonna say?
Do me a favor, Joe.
Just don't call my mom, okay?
Oh my God, you brought her back.
Oh-oh! Give me hug, my little illegitimate granddaughter.
Oh, I am so happy to meet you.
(Muffled) Nice to meet you too, lady.
Don't go getting too attached, mom.
She's going back first thing tomorrow morning.
What is she, a shelter dog?
When did you eat last?
You look like a twig with eyes.
Grandma will fix that.
Oh, yeah, let her have anything she wants.
My daughter is basically a runaway jewel thief, and you're making all nice.
Well, I just want her to feel welcome here.
Yeah, well, Felicia goes on tour tomorrow.
So she's gonna have to come back up here tonight and get Dani.
Oh, come on, let her stay for the wedding.
Okay, first of all, her mother would freak out.
All right? Secondly, letting her stay here, wouldn't that be rewarding that terrible behavior?
So we'll tell her, "no cake."
Call Felicia and tell her we'll sort everything out in the morning.
And you know, try to lighten up.
Tomorrow's our wedding day, take two.
And I'm gonna vow your brains out.
(Theme music plays)
♪ I guess your stuck with me. ♪
I'm sorry. I'll get out of your way.
No, I don't care.
Stay, go... It doesn't matter.
I take it the reconciliation with the artist didn't go so well.
Yeah, Zander slept with his roommate.
Ooph.
His roommate's a girl, right?
What is it with you men? Are you all just horrible?
Grandma Sophia used to say, "if you have one, you are one."
A lot of deep thinkers in Jersey.
You know what?
I got to apologize for what I did earlier.
I was a jerk to show Zander those pictures of us.
No, Zander's the jerk.
If he can go off with someone else, then you know what? So can I.
Let's do this.
Hey!
What are you doing?
I'm kissing you.
Hey, hey, hey, uh, as much as portions of me are very interested in this proposal, it seems like you might be coming on to me out of revenge.
So? What difference does it make?
I'm sorry. I'm not a piece of meat.
Oh, so you ruin my relationship and then you're not willing to help me move on?
Thanks a lot.
Sorry, buddy, it's not your night.
Oh, look, here comes the bride...
Who hasn't had solid food in a week!
You're still on that little juice fast?
I'm so hungry, I bit the inside of my cheek this morning and just kept chewing.
Don't worry, everything's on track for the wedding this afternoon.
Did you tell her about the judge yet?
What? What about him?!
There's nothing to tell...
Except he can't make it.
What?! Where are are we gonna find someone to marry us on such short notice?
I could do it. Here, check this out.
This website... I can be a fully ordained minister in like 10 minutes.
Oh, yeah, he's right. It says, you just have to be 16 years or older and have access to a credit card.
It's a very accepting church.
I'm not sure about this.
Please, aunt Mel, come on, let me give you this as my wedding gift, because I didn't buy you guys anything.
Oh, all right, if I have no other choice.
Yes!
Can I get an amen?
Well, you're gonna need to tell Joey about the right reverend Ryder.
Well, maybe later.
Dani's mom is here right now.
And Joe's helping smooth everything over.
Dani: I have the worst mom in the whole world!
You want to know why?!
And it could take a while.
I'm not going on another lame old-guy rock tour with you.
The bus always smells like marijuana and Rogaine!
Unfortunately, the tour leaves this afternoon and you're coming with me now.
But I want to stay for Joe's wedding.
And you know what, honey? That is a very sweet gesture, but I think in this case, your mom is right.
You should probably, you know, go with her.
What if I stay with you?
He just met you.
He doesn't want you moving in with him.
I didn't say that. Now, don't go putting words in my mouth.
Look, you're my daughter. If you want to stay here, you can stay here.
You mean that?
Absolutely, yeah.
Yeah, I mean that. You could stay here.
Why don't you just stay here?
You know what? You go stick your needles in cheap trick's arthritic knees and, you know, when you're done, in a couple weeks, you come back and you pick up Dani.
It's a nation-wide tour.
We're gone for six months.
Six months?!
(Calmly) I mean, six months.
It's, uh... it may not be enough time.
So can I?
(Sighs)
Fine.
But I'm gonna miss you, honey.
Joe, what's your new wife gonna think about the new addition to the family?
Oh, I guarantee you. She... she is gonna be surprised and delighted.
(Chuckles)
And surprised.
(Knocking)
Hey, how you doing?
Oh, I'm just enjoying a delightful glass of kale juice.
Mm-hmm, it's not very tasty, but on the other hand, it's disgusting.
I cannot wait till the end of this day.
Till we're husband and wife?
Till I can look at you and not see a barbecued chicken where your head should be.
(Chuckles)
So, um, what do you think of Dani?
Ugh, she's great.
I know. She is, isn't she?
Hm-hmm, yeah, but I got to say, the running away from home, stealing from her mom, all that defiance, ugh!
She reminds me of me at that age...
Only worse. She's got your mouth.
(Chuckles) Yeah, she's a handful.
Yeah, I got to tell you, I would not trade places with Felicia for all the Merlot in aisle four at discount wine barn.
(Chuckles) What if you did?
Yeah, but I didn't.
Yeah, you kind of did.
You see, um, honey, I... I... I...
I sort of told Dani that, uh...
That... that she could stay with us for a little while.
How little?
Six months.
Six months?!
Yeah, oh, it's... it's just gonna fly right by.
(Chuckles)
Wait, Joe, you made this huge life-altering decision without consulting me first?
Now?!
When I can't even eat my feelings away?!
I had no choice, all right?
Her mother leaves to go on tour tomorrow for six months.
I mean, I can't just abandon Dani.
Well, look, I'm not a lawyer, but I don't think it's called abandonment when you leave a child with her mother!
Okay, I am not upset that Dani is gonna stay here.
I'm upset that you made this decision on your own.
Marriage means we're a team.
We are a team...
Starting now. And you know what?
We are gonna be the best frickin' team since Siegfried and Roy.
I don't know why I just picked that team.
Are you okay?
I kind of need to be alone right now.
Um, I need to think about all this.
About Dani?
About all of it.
Okay, all right.
Hey, look, this is... This is all gonna work out.
All right? I promise you.
Mel, this...
This is gonna be great.
This is all a disaster.
You told Mel your surprise daughter is moving in!
You don't drop a b*mb like that on the bride right before her wedding.
What was I supposed to do, Mom?!
Wait until after you get married.
Then you're stuck together and the ugly truth can come out.
I did the right thing and you know it.
Didn't I?
Hey, you guys get it, right?
How long is she staying and am I sharing a bathroom?
Ryder, that is not the kind of question you should be asking at a time like this?
But seriously where is she sleeping?
Not in my room, that's for sure.
Hey, Joe, are there more kids coming?
Is this gonna become like Joe Longo's group home for secret children?
You know, I cannot believe that my family and my almost family is reacting like this.
Well, you should be worried about how your almost bride is reacting.
What did Mel say?
She said she needed some time alone to think about all of it.
"All of it"?
Oh-oh, that's bad.
She might not want to marry you now, Joey.
Oh.
The poor woman already got stuck raising two kids she didn't want.
Excuse me, "two kids she didn't want"?
Oh! I was kidding. (Laughs)
Don't take things so literally.
So, am I officiating a ceremony this afternoon or not?
It isn't all about you, dear.
I can't believe I bought this dress for nothing.
Grandma's ironing my shirt.
So, uh, listen, about last night, I just wanted to thank you for being such a gentleman and not taking advantage of me when I was kind of... Drunk on rage.
It wasn't easy.
You're really hot when you're angry.
(Laughs)
But I didn't want to screw things up, because I like you and I really respect you.
You know, you've got a lot more going on under the surface than I first thought.
Yeah, I got a lot of layers.
I'm like a lasagna.
(Snickers)
I like lasagna.
(Both chuckle)
Mel.
Hey, honey, it's me. Listen, I...
I just wanted to say that I'm... that I'm sorry.
Mel?
Mel?
Honey?
Oh my God.
Runaway bride.
Mel is gone!
Oh, relax, drama queen. She's right here.
Oh, hey. I thought you were so upset with me that you weren't gonna marry me.
Well, yeah, it was totally off, but then I had solid food and I wasn't homicidal anymore.
Yeah, we have a saying in my family.
"Prosciutto fixes everything."
We have the same saying in my family, but with alcohol.
So how you feeling about the whole Dani situation?
Well, you know, Dani's your daughter.
And if I love you, I'm gonna love her.
We'll work it out.
Hey, hey!
Don't stop. I can talk and eat.
She's gone.
Naw, Mom, she's right here. She just needed a sandwich.
Not her... Dani. I found this note.
What?
"I'm sorry I messed everything up, Joe.
Don't worry, Mel won't have to raise another kid she doesn't want.
I'm taking off."
Oh my God.
We have to find her.
Everybody, make sure you have your jewelry.
She's a known thief.
She did that once, Mom...
That we know of.
All right, it probably wouldn't hurt to check.
Hey, Marco! Are you in there?
Huh? Uh...
(Shuffling)
Yeah, yeah, uh, sure.
Come in.
Hey.
I was, uh, just getting dressed for the wedding.
What's up?
Dani ran away, all right? So I need you to put your clothes on and go around the neighborhood and help me look for her.
Of course, Uncle Joe.
He's gone.
I don't think he suspected anything.
If he did, I don't think your head would still be attached to your body.
Would have been worth it.
Well, the police said they'll keep an eye out.
And I just gave Dani's description to the mall cops.
Why would she go to the mall at a time like this?
Well, women do like to shop when they're upset, right?
That is such a sexist stereotype.
Well, I would do that.
Well, actually I love to.
Once, when I guy broke up with me, I bought a canoe.
I didn't want to have to do this, but I'm gonna have to call Felicia and tell her that I lost our daughter, day one.
Hey, Uncle Joe.
I got news.
I think your little secret girl is up there.
Oh my God, she's dead?
No, she's on the roof.
The roof, of course, where the teenage girls in this house traditionally run away to.
Joe, maybe I should go.
You know, she thinks I'm the one that doesn't want her here.
Dani, ugh! I'm so glad you're safe...
Up here on the roof two stories above the ground.
We thought you ran away.
I tried, but I didn't know where to run to.
I figured up here, I'd be out of your way.
I can tell when I'm not wanted.
No, you're like America's most wanted...
Surprise kid.
You aren't gonna marry Joe because of me.
No, no, no, no. That was just the juice fast talking.
I but I heard Gloria say that you're already raising kids that you didn't want.
Look, I feel I can be completely honest with you, because you're a very mature kid and I had a Xanax a little while ago.
Sometimes the universe throws unexpected things at you, and later on, you find out that they are a wonderful gift.
You're just saying that 'cause you have to.
No, look, Lennox and Ryder are awesome.
And if they hadn't come into my life, then Joe wouldn't have come into my life.
And I love Joe.
You're gonna love him, too.
I know he takes a little getting used to.
I like him fine.
You're the one I'm not sure about.
Well, you don't have to worry about me, because I am delightful.
It's true. Trust me.
And, Dani, just so you know, Mel and I... We're a package deal, here.
So what do you say?
Would you buy me a car?
Yes.
No.
She's 13.
I'm trying to make a sale here.
Leave the selling to me, all right?
Listen, we are both very happy that you're here.
And I think that it's about time that you two ladies get dressed.
Ooh, yeah, we got a dream wedding to get to.
Yes, we do. So?
Let's do it.
All right, let's do it.
I was starting to think this wedding was never gonna happen.
Yeah.
Oh, look, a lucky penny.
That's a good sign...
(Screams)
Oh, oh!
(Crashing)
I'm okay.
I bet you're glad I didn't switch out those shrubs for roses, huh, honey?
So, look, no pressure here, doc, but, um, we are scheduled to...
Get married in 16 minutes.
Yeah, I'm afraid she can't walk down the aisle for four to six weeks.
Four to...
Sorry, everybody, wedding is off.
Again? You can't keep doing this to people.
I'm wearing two pairs of Spanx.
No, we're getting married right now.
Are you serious?
I am.
That's the Burke spirit.
Don't let little bumps keep you from your goals, whether it's a broken leg or an escorts-for-votes scandal.
I'm sure you're not speaking from experience.
Oh, of course not.
Would these eyes lie?
Would they do anything else?
Okay, but, wait, we're never gonna make it to the arboretum, so where are we gonna do the ceremony?
Here. We've got the whole family.
We've got our minister.
Hey, I can have you two hitched in no time.
And I can go next door and steal some flowers.
Wh...
Borrow some flowers.
Oh, like the guy in the coma's gonna notice.
Yeah, all I need is a dress.
Lennox, go home, dig through my closet, and find something that goes with a cast.
You really need a dress? Of course you need a dress.
I don't even know what I was thinking.
Get a dress, would you?
Okay.
I will be right back. Don't go anywhere.
Really?
Lennox, listen, um...
I just wanted to know when we we're gonna tell everybody the big news that we're an official couple?
Oh! Um, I... I...
I don't think we should steal Mel and Joe's thunder.
Today's kind of their big day.
Fair enough. But just so you know, I cancelled my return flight.
To New Jersey?
Where you live?
We don't have to rush to get our own apartment or anything.
Not right away.
Oh! (Laughs)
Okay, that's good to know.
Well, I got to go get Mel's dress.
Do you want me to come with...
No!
This is a job for bridesmaids only.
Okay, when you get back, you'll tell me which one you like best.
Left or right?
For what?
Your name.
Left or right?
Take your time.
You don't want to make a rash decision on a tattoo.
Zander?
Oh, hi, Lennox.
Um, Ryder posted about Mel's accident online, so I got her this.
Oh, and this is for you. It's hand sanitizer 'cause I don't want you to get a staff infection and die, you know, because you mean a lot to...
Everybody. And maybe someday, you'll forgive me and we can get back together or something. Okay, bye.
What the hell just happened?
Is everybody ready?
Oh, yes, we are ready.
All right, ladies, ready? And go.
♪ Da da da dum ♪
♪ Da da da dum ♪
♪ Da-dum-da, da-da-da-da... ♪
(Continues wedding march)
Okay, okay, okay.
Thank you, Daddy.
Friends, relatives...
Medical personnel, we are unexpectedly gathered here today in this sterile environment to join Mel Burke and Joe Longo in marriage.
You know, a lot of things about Mel and Joe's relationship has been unexpected.
Actually, all of it has been kind of unexpected.
Excuse me, folks, I have to give the bride something.
Ooh, my first wedding present.
It's time for your morphine injection.
Ooh! My favorite wedding present!
This will probably make you feel a little woozy at first, and then you're gonna get pretty sleepy, okay?
Wow, that works fast.
Mama likey.
You better pick up the pace here, pal.
Yeah, got it, yeah, okay.
Um, so basically, Mel and Joe were made for each other, all right.
They go together like peaches and cream, like peanut butter and jelly, like ham and eggs.
God, I really should have eaten before we started this.
I agree, president Lincoln.
You might want to jump in with your vows, Joseph.
We're losing her fast.
Copy that, senator.
Mel, honey, listen.
I take you to be my partner, my best friend, and I promise to love you unconditionally no matter what adventures life brings our way.
Kind of like today.
(Chuckles)
That was so beautiful.
Okay, it's my turn now.
Yup.
What are you doing?
(All screaming)
I got it! I got it.
Joe...
When you proposed and I agreed to marry you...
I have to admit, at first I was afraid.
(Sighs) I was petrified.
I kept thinking I could never live without you by my side.
Are you okay, sweetie?
But then I spent so many nights thinking how you did me wrong.
That's a song about a relationship that didn't work out.
And I grew strong!
♪ And I learned how to get along... ♪
Ladies, back me up.
Both: ♪ oh, no, not I ♪
Women: ♪ I will survive ♪
♪ As long as I know... ♪
Russell, help, please.
Women and Russell: ♪ ...How to love ♪
♪ I know I'll stay alive... ♪
Hey, guys?
Oh, hey, guys?
♪ I got all my life to live ♪
♪ and I got all my love to give... ♪
This is not a wedding song, people!
♪ I will survive... ♪
Oh, what the hell.
All: ♪ I will survive ♪
♪ Hey, hey... ♪
One more time!
What?
♪ I got all my life to live ♪
♪ I got all my love to give ♪
♪ I will survive... ♪
Lennox: Whoo!
♪ I will survive... ♪
Russell: Yeah!
♪ I will survive... ♪
(Mutters)
♪ Hey, hey. ♪
Do you, Joe Longo, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
I do, I do.
All right.
And do you, Mel Burke... (Snaps)
Hey, Mel Burke, do you take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband?
Hmm, I sure as hell dooby-dooby do.
Oh my God, hurry up, please, before she breaks into another song.
Okay, by the power vested in me by the Universal Rainbow Church of the Interwebs, I now pronounce you man and wife.
You may kiss the bride.
Hallelujah!
(Cheers)
Done deal.
Here we go.
(Snores)
Uh...
You know what? I think I'm just gonna wait until she can kiss me back.
Yeah, all right, everybody gather in for a picture.
Without evidence, Mel might not remember any of this ever happened.
Wait, wait, wait. This is not right.
Dani, come on in here.
Joe: Come on.
All right, hold on, hold on.
Okay.
Hold on, let me get this right there.
All right, okay! All right, everybody smile and say, "finally."
Joe and Ryder: Okay.
Finally.
(Camera shutter clicks)