09x04 - Mac and Dennis Buy a Timeshare

[bunniefuu]

Dee: So sign up for the Invigaron system today, and take the first steps toward obtaining financial freedom.

Invigaron-- a business opportunity as rare as the albani berries themselves.

Charlie: What's happening?

You're, like, a berry salesman now or...?

No, I'm a distributor, Charlie, for a revolutionary new product that changes lives.

Dennis: Right. Now explain these to me. Oh, those are my new wrenches.

I got those free for sitting through a 20-minute presentation.

Mac: Oh, I get it now.

It's a scam.

No, no, no, no, no, it's not a scam at all.

I also had reservations in the beginning, but these super berries grow in the Andes mountains, okay?

Alpacas can survive entire winters on this sh*t.

Oh, sh*t! So it's like a super berry, huh?

Mm-hmm.

Now what kind of superpowers are you talking about? Like, do you survive the winter? Great question.

So is that the only super power you get, surviving winters?

Because I've survived many winters without these berries.

No, I think I have an answer for all of this stuff, okay?

Okay.

Charlie, allow me to demonstrate.

Oh, you got a thing here.

Come over here and hold on to these.

Now, this machine is gonna measure the level of toxins in your body caused by stress.

All right. Where do I put my feet?

Wherever you want.

I'm gonna put them on the stool.

Great. It doesn't matter.

Okay, here we go.

120, 140, 157.

(machine beeping)

Oh, sh*t, Charlie. 157?

Is that bad?

Yeah, it's not good.

Guys, I got 157.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

157 what?

Units.

Units, dude.

Units of what?

Units of stress!

Ah!

You're very, very high in your...

That's a lot of units!

...in your stress unit.

But don't even worry, because Invigaron can help you.

These berries are chock-full of antioxidants and phytonutrients.

Oh, thank God.

All right, I'm sold. I'm in.

Of course you're buying it, because you're as big of an idiot as she is.

You're getting scammed, Dee!

It's not a scam!

You walked into a room that you could have walked out of with a free set of golf club but instead you got got.

Hey, I say we get ourselves a new pair of golf clubs, huh?

Yeah, well, we won't get got though.

We gonna get. See, Dee, people like us, we don't get got. We go get.

That's right. You won't see us getting scammed.

No way. (laughs)

Hey-oh! All right, Charlie, I signed you up for the gold member starter kit, okay?

Good. Yeah.

Yeah. You know what's in here?

Two cases of the juice, four packs of the energy gel.

Nice.

There's a box of shake mix, and I think they threw in a bunch of protein...

Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa!

What are you doing, Charlie?!

What?

What are you doing?!

I'm drinking the berry juice to save my life.

This is not about berries, all right?

You sell it. This is a whole moneymaking system, okay?

That's what Invigaron is.

It's-it's about money, and it's about, you know, "wealth creation through-through the use of antioxidants, powerful antioxidants."

Yeah, uh-huh.

And, you know, we're going to "redefine success and-and change the world."

You know what?

All those words are, like, stressing me out, Dee.

And I can't get more str...

I'm at 157!

I'm gonna be honest.

I'm a little confused as well.

Uh, I don't have a firm grasp on exactly how this...

It's confusing stuff.

Where the hell is Frank?

Where the hell is Frank?

He can help us.

He's, like, a business genius.

I don't know where he is.

He didn't come home this morning.

He took off last night.

He said he had some dream or something.

And, like, he woke up, he's like, "Ah, Charlie, I got to get to the playground."

And he sh*t out of here.

Why is he at the playground?

I don't know.

He told me not to come.

Well, we got to go figure it out.

He can help explain all this.

Yeah, he's good with stuff like this.

We're not.

All right, all right, let's do it.

I'm drinking this one though.

Yeah, but don't open any more.

Frank?

Huh?

What is this? You're stuck?

Was this your plan?

Frank: No.

What is this?

How did this happen?

How does anything happen, Charlie?

Move past it, will ya?

I'm afraid that's going to be impossible.

Yeah. Where are your clothes?

Why are you naked and stuck in a coil?

Just get me out of here.

All right, well, first we should do the thing because..

Yeah. Charlie and I have a couple of business questions we wanted to ask you first.

What? Deandra, don't d*ck around.

Get me out of here!

Look, I'll be quick, okay?

Now, Charlie and I have recently come into a rare business opportunity, and we were hoping you could clear a couple things up for us.

Can you look at that?

It's a pyramid scheme.

It's not a pyramid scheme.

It's a reverse funnel system.

Turn it upside down.

Oh, sh*t!

g*dd*mn it! sh*t!

All right, you've been duped, suckers.

You're the sucker, okay?

You're naked and you're stuck in a coil! All right, calm down, calm down.

Look, Frank is there any way, you know, to get out of one of these schemes?

All right, what you got to do is round up a couple of suckers and get 'em hooked.

Dummies with deep pockets are the best.

What about Ben the Soldier?

Well, he's as dumb as you can get.

Yeah. He's dumb as bricks, that guy.

He's so stupid.

All right, let's do it.

That's good.

We'll get him, and I'll get, like, a pulley or a rope, and we'll just yank you out of there or something, all right?

Get me out of here.

Yeah. Hold on, hold on.

Charlie, whoa, think about this.

If we get him out of there, how do we know he's gonna keep helping us?

Well, what do you mean?

If we get him out of there, he might scam us further.

We don't know.

He's a business mastermind.

I don't know what he's got going on.

sh*t, that's a good point.

I mean, what's he doing in that coil, you know what I mean? He wouldn't say.

He could be up to something.

I say we leave him stuck in there just for a few more days so we can leverage him for business advice...

Right. We keep him contained.

That's right.

If we need questions, we just go to him.

That's right.

All right, all right.

Hey, uh, Frank, we'll be back in a couple days to help you out, okay, buddy?

No, no, no, no!

Deandra, I don't have a couple of days!

It's Saturday coming up.

There's gonna be kids here!

Hey, guys.

You here for the presentation?

I'm Harris Marder.

Save it, bozo.

We're here for the free golf clubs.

You got exactly 20 minutes to do your little song and dance.

We're just gonna tune out, so why don't you give us a wave when you're finished.

Or don't.

What's the point?

I'd just be wasting my time.

I mean, obviously, you two are smart. 19 minutes and 50 seconds, clown. Don't get me wrong.

Invigaron is great, but you got to put in the hours.

You fellows strike me more as men of leisure.

(Dennis scoffs)

Obviously.

Well, we are.

Yeah, I mean, this guy's got the Hawaiian shirt, you with the k*ller tan.

Bet it's k*lling you guys to be stuck indoors on a beautiful day like today.

It is. So less yapping, more golf clubs please.

(Dennis chuckles)

Yeah, I get it.

And you know what?

Because you guys are such great sports, I'm gonna throw in a coupon for a free round of golf at the Dusty Dunes Resort in Orlando.

You guys been to Florida?

Been there? Not physically.

If you want, I can set you up with one of their private villas.

(scoffs): Private villa.

Whatever. That's pretty nice.

Look at that.

Oh, it is nice.

Did you know that the average rate for a hotel room 30 years ago was $19?

Today it's $237.

That's a 1,300% increase.

So it's not inconceivable to think that in another 30 years, a week at a hotel runs you 20 grand.

That's not inconceivable.

That's... crazy. That's very, very conceivable. Really?

Okay, but not for you guys.

You'll be locked in at $1,400 annually.

Wait. We would be?

Yeah. I'm not talking about taking a vacation, guys.

I'm talking about owning a vacation.

And, look, if you're still not comfortable with the numbers, you just double down.

You get two weeks, sell that second week, boom, you're vacationing for free.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Mac, I think this guy just bent himself over a barrel a little bit.

He did?

Yeah, for our pleasure.

Follow me here.

Okay, so if we buy a second week, and we sell that, we're vacationing for free.

What happens if we buy a third week and sell that?

We're getting paid to vacation!

(Dennis laughs)

Oh, sh*t!

You guys, I... I've actually never thought of it like that.

I know!

I'm not sure I can make that deal.

The deal's locked in.

Deal's done.

I'm gonna write in "three..."

Write in "three weeks."

Three here... that's done!

Yeah, right?

Put three on...

You got got!

You thought we were a bunch of suckers, but guess what?

Oh, God.

We're not.

We just bought three weeks of a time-share. (laughing)

So you did.

Not a great turnout.

No, not-not a great turnout.

You know why?

Nobody gives a sh*t about free soup, Charlie.

People want golf clubs and concert tickets.

Don't knock the soup, all right? Da'Maniac's here.

He's sucked down, like, three bowls of it.

Yeah, he is here.

And why is he here, Charlie?

Well...

Nobody wants to buy something from a deranged wrestler.

Why would you invite him?

I didn't invite him.

He just drifted in.

I guess he was...

Just looking for soup.

...looking for free soup, yeah, free soup.

All right.

You know, drifters...

All right, let's just get it going, all right?

Yeah. Hello, everyone.

Thank you so much for coming today.

Each one of you has been hand-selected to potentially join our Invigaron team.

"What is Invigaron?" you may be asking.

Charlie?

(doorbell rings)

Hello, everyone.

I'm Dee, and this is Charlie.

And as you can tell by our huge mansion, we're insanely loaded. But it wasn't always this way.

We used to be losers, like all of you people. And then we discovered the Invig... (thunder crashes)

(deep voice): Invigaron!

And it all starts with the berries. The berries are the most delici...

I'm sure you're all excited to learn more about the Invigaron system.

What the hell happened to my part, Dee?

Yeah, I had to do some reshoots.

You are way too hung up on the berries.

The success of the Invigaron system is largely due to the simplicity of its origins.

Using a multi-tiered distribu...

...multi-level market...

...the Invigaron system...

...multi-level...

(thunder crashes)

(deep voice): Invig...

I'm Andy, proud owner of my own mountain, where...

(lid clatters)

Did a couple reshoots of my own.

Proud owner of my own mountain, where I'm a magical bean farmer.

Berries!

♪

Does the sophisticated business model of Invigaron confuse you?

You don't need to understand how Invigaron works, because somebody above you does.

So ask less questions, and make more money.

There we go.

Okay.

Well, I wasn't quite finished, there's...

Still not convinced?

Well, guess what?

The Invigaron system is also a pyramid scheme.

(register dings)

"What's a pyramid scheme?" you ask.

All right, basically a house of cards where the dickheads at the bottom do all the work, and give all the money to the smart guys up at the top.

All right? Now, will you get... Don't just be successful. Be berry...

You won't need a pot of gold.

But still amazingly badass...

So do...

(high-pitched tone)

There we go.

All right, any questions?

DA'MANIAC: I have a question.

Uh, how do I get in on this?

Uh, you probably don't, because you need money.

Ben, how many boxes am I gonna put you down for?

I don't really understand what I'm buying.

You saw the video.

Was the video not clear?

The video was pretty clear, Charlie.

You think maybe it's your stress?

Do you want to check your photon levels?

Oh. Yes.

Yeah.

Yeah, you could be stressed.

It... okay.

Here you go.

Okay.

Uh, where should I put my feet?

Dee, where do his feet go?

The feet go wherever.

What is it with the feet?

(Da'Maniac grunts)

Thank you for this business opportunity.

I will not let you down.

No, no, no, no, no.

Sir, you need to pay for the product, you can't just take it out of here.

Roger!

Roger that.

He's just... he's just leaving the bar.

He just stole the berries. That's not g...

(machine beeping) Oh!

Oh, 107.

Hey, man, that's pretty good.

(Ben chuckles)

What? Don't...

Healthy guy over here.

Charlie, no, that's terrible.

He's very stressed out and he needs to buy the product and eat the berries.

Oh, sh*t!

I-I'm sorry. Um, I don't think this is for me.

Oh, g*dd*mn it!

If 107's bad, I got to eat more berries.

Stop eating berries!

You've had enough berries!

(Frank panting)

I just don't understand.

Is it a sexual thing?

No, just get me the hell out!

It doesn't matter!

Matters to me; I don't think I can move past it.

We came here for a reason.

Let's just jump into it, all right?

All right.

Frank, we have a very exciting real estate opportunity for you in sunny Orlando, Florida. Yes.

How would you like to spend one week out of the year living the high life at your own private villa at the Dusty Dunes Resort?

You guys bought a time-share?

Well, yeah.

Yeah. How can you all be so gullible?

No, no, no, no.

No, this is different, Frank.

This is different.

Tell him.

This assh*le tried to sell us one week.

We took the prick for three.

You did?

You took him for three weeks?

Dennis thought of it.

You think he didn't want to sell you as many weeks as possible?

No, I don't think he...

I told you that might have been a concern, I...

No, I know, but I...

The whole way over, you said that's...

All right, fine.

Well, look, I didn't come here to be criticized by a man stuck in a coil!

Are you gonna buy a week or not?

No, I'm not that stupid.

We don't need this.

We're out of here, Frank.

Screw you.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

I-I-I can help you.

Yeah?

I can help you. Yeah.

Help us how?

I'll give you a premium lead on a deep-pocket dummy.

Premium lead?

That's business talk.

We need premium leads.

Yeah. Who? You promise to get me out of here?

Yeah, yeah, Frank, we promise.

What do you think, we're gonna leave you in a coil?

Give us a name.

Ben the Soldier.

All right?

Ben the Soldier, huh?

Yeah.

Well, yeah...

That's pretty good.

It is?

Yeah.

He's very, very dumb.

I mean, think about it.

He went over there, probably saw some pretty serious carnage.

He's gonna have some bad PTSD.

If we trigger that, he'll be putty in our hands.

Right, whatever.

Okay, get me out of here.

No.

Nah. Nah.

Nah.

(laughing) No.

Wait, whoa, whoa. Where you going?

You just got got, Frank.

Yeah.

Uh, you played your hand a little too early, sucker.

We'll come back when we need you again.

That's called leverage.

Right.

That's business talk.

Yeah, thought you were good at that stuff.

The kids are coming! What...

I know.

The kids!

The kids will be here!

(knocking)

Now listen.

We just need to trigger his PTSD a little bit, all right?

Get him all jumbled up.

Couple of sudden movements.

Loud noises.

Exactly.

Hey!

Hey!

Ben!

It's so good to see you, man.

How are you?

Come on in.

Have a seat on the couch, why don't you?

Okay.

All right.

Oh, my God!

Hi. (chuckles)

Da'Maniac.

Yeah, I know.

What are you doing here?

Well, I've come for the presentation.

Gonna be really cool, huh?

Oh, it's... it's sort of... geared specifically towards Ben, so...

I like him, too.

He a good guy, huh?

Nice to see you.

Yeah.

That's good.

He's coming in.

Hey, Ben.

How you doing?

All right, let's just, uh...

Okay, uh...

All right, listen, so, Ben...

(music begins playing)

Um, we would like to offer you a week's stay in our time-share condominium in Florida.

It's an amazing property.

I mean, when we first saw it, we were like, "Boom!"

(Da'Maniac gasping)

(yells)

(grunting)

(sighs)

Sometimes, loud noises make the squirrels go in my head, and I-I don't fight in the ring anymore, but I still fight with the demons in Da'Maniac's head.

All right, well, we'll-we'll try to be a little bit more sensitive to that.

I... Yeah.

Um, and we'll keep our voices down from here on out.

Yeah. Uh, Ben, should we talk numbers?

Oh, I don't know.

Um, and it sounds really nice, but I'm not trying to make any business decisions.

I have a 107 stress level.

Ooh.

I'm sorry.

I shouldn't be here.

I-I have to go.

Well, wait, Ben, stop. Ben...

Don't go, Ben.

No, the sunshine state.

(Mac sighs)

(door closes)

Oh, uh, I'm in.

Oh, no. Well, no. See, Maniac, it's very expensive. It's, like, $1,400.

Sold to the Maniac for $1,400.

Really?

You know why? 'Cause I can pay you in Invigaron.

I don't think you're quite understanding.

Uh, this involves you giving us cash, not a product that we would then sell.

Sure.

See, we need cash money.

Oh, you're...

We're on the same page.

Okay.

I don't even understand what he's talking about.

Yeah. Hold on one second.

No, take your time.

Listen, I think we might have been wrong about Dee and Charlie's little investment.

I mean, they're out there moving berries like crazy.

If those bozos can do it, think how many you and I can sell.

We could flip 'em, like, ten times over.

That's what I'm saying.

So I say we swindle Da'Maniac while we got him here.

Let's get in on Dee and Charlie's little game.

Smart.

Pyramid scheme and a time-share?

We're diversifying our portfolio.

That's the thing.

Okay, all right. Hey, Maniac?

Yeah.

Hey, you just got yourself a deal.

We're in business together?

Yeah.

That's so cool.

I'm gonna go grab my stuff, and then, if you wouldn't mind, could you show me which room is mine?

I'd like a big room, if you don't mind.

We're gonna have so much fun.

Invigaron.

(door closes)

Uh... is-is he under the impression that our apartment is the time-share?

It would appear so.

Okay, you know what?

We'll deal with that later.

Let focus on getting Ben to cr*ck.

All right, now, between Da'Maniac stealing our berries and these night vision goggles, we're in a bit of a hole, so we got to make this count.

Okay. What's the plan exactly?

We're gonna trigger Ben's PTSD, all right?

We bust in like Navy SEALs, zip-tie his hands, bag over his head, and then we bash him till he buys.

PTSD-- that's so brilliant.

How's Frank come up with that stuff?

What can you say?

He knows business.

Okay, ready?

Locked and loaded?

All right.

Let's go, Charlie.

Let's move.

(men shouting)

(g*nf*re)

(men shouting foreign language)

(Dee and Charlie screaming)

(all yelling)

Oh, oh, oh!

Hey! What the hell are you guys doing here?

We were gonna try and trigger Ben's PTSD and make him buy our sh*t.

Good luck.

We've been at it all night.

We broke in here, looking like Arabs, screaming at him.

The guy's rock solid. Why did you dress him like Ebenezer Scrooge? Yeah.

He was actually dressed like at when we got here.

He's clearly got some issues.

I just don't know that PTSD is one of them.

Yeah, we've been watching violent w*r movies all night to remind him of the carnage that he saw in combat.

I didn't see any carnage.

Um, I actually had a good time during the w*r.

I got to travel the world, uh, try new, exotic cuisines.

Well, I'm a computer programmer.

What?!

g*dd*mn it!

(Charlie groans)

Frank told us this dummy was the key to digging ourselves out of our financial debt.

What?

Frank told us the same thing.

Well, that's interesting.

So, we're all here doing this because of Frank.

See, I told you he was up to something.

Hold on a second.

Getting all naked and cramming yourself into a coil-- that's a pretty good distraction, right?

Right?

Yeah, and think about it.

He didn't tell us why he was in that coil.

No, no, no.

I just assumed that he went down there to pound off in the nighttime.

Yeah, right, right.

Yeah, me, too. Me, too.

But now I'm absolutely sure he had an agenda.

I bet he was never stuck in that coil at all.

He's been at the top of the pyramid the whole time just gathering our cash.

Oh, right, right, or at the bottom of the funnel.

I'm not sure which way it works.

Bottom of the funnel, top of the-- they're the same thing.

Yeah, well, I bet you when we go down there, he's not even in there, is he?

No. Hell, no, he's not in that coil, but I know exactly where he will be.

All right, everyone, we have a new addition to the platinum sales staff, and let me just tell you something.

This guy is an absolute dynamo.

Scam! This guy's a liar!

You guys are getting scammed!

You're getting scammed!

Pyramid! Pyramid!

r*pe! r*pe! r*pe! r*pe! r*pe!

Hey, hey, hey!

What's going on here?

Well, I'll tell you what's going on.

We are saving these people from years of financial r*pe.

Oh, hey, if you want out of Invigaron, all you have to do is say so.

Wait.

I do?

Huh?

Look, you just, uh, sign this release form, pay a $200 penalty fee, your down line will shift up to me, and then you're free and clear.

That's it? All you got to do is sign the document?

Can we do that?

Yeah, does that mean we're out of the time-share?

Oh, no, no, I'm afraid I can't help you there.

Those contracts are ironclad.

I'm just relieved you didn't see the old opt-out clause.

Wait a second.

He just subtly motioned to this document here-- opt-out.

Oh, no.

Oh, crap, I've said too much.

"Buyer may opt out of the contract within 72 hours for one-time cancellation fee of only $2,000."

You figured it out.

Oh, you fool. I have...

You didn't think we were gonna see this, but we outsmarted you. Yeah.

We're a couple of foxes.

All right, you got got!

So suck on that little piece of sweetness.

(Mac laughs) You also wrote "faced" in the memo. Ha! Nice!

(laughter)

Should have known better than to get involved with a couple sharks like you two.

You should have. We're just glad we're out from under Frank.

Yeah.

Who's Frank?

Oh, "Who's Frank?" he says.

Like he doesn't know.

Come on, everybody.

Frank's the guy who's behind all this; Frank is the mastermind in the coil.

I sincerely have no idea what you're talking about.

Oh, sure you don't, buddy.

Well, guess what?

He might not 'cause Frank...

Uh-oh. Oh, sh*t.

Oh, you thought we came in mad.

Wait till you see what this monster has to say.

This guy?

What are you talking about?

This guy's the best salesman I got.

Da'Maniac?

Yeah. He's already got 30 people under him.

I got to thank you all so much for hooking me up with that army guy. I got his whole platoon selling for me. Wait a sec.

Da'Maniac's on my down line.

Yup.

(gasps) I'm rich. I'm rich.

Oh!

(cheering and laughing)

ALL (chanting): You got got!

You got got! You got got!

Oh, whoa, one second.

One second, guys.

Actually, he's in my down line.

You just bought out, remember?

sh**t!

(all oohing)

No, you... Oh!

This guy's good.

Oh, yeah. You know, sorry.

I want to get this stuff done here, and then I'll meet you back at our time-share, huh?

Okay.

Now, what's going on there?

Is he, like, living with you guys, or...?

Yeah.

He's... It's-it's a whole thing. Just move past it.

That's a hard thing to move past.

Yeah, doesn't know what time-share is.

All right, but hold on a second, hold on a second.

Is Frank still the mastermind?

I don't get it.

Is he still in the coil?

No, he's not still in the coil.

Come on, guys, he's definitely still behind this.

He's probably down in Orlando enjoying that time-share.

He's long gone.

Right. Wherever he is, he's having a real good time.

Mm-hmm.

(kids chattering)

(Frank grunts)

Hey! Hey, easy, easy, easy.

I gotta get out of here!

Get me out of here!

Get me out of here!