02x02 - Let Yourself Go

[bunniefuu]

[All] Hey! [speaking Japanese in unison]

What just happened?

Remember the night when we had sushi?

I loved the way the chefs greeted us, so I thought we'd start doing it here.

[All] Hey! [speaking Japanese in unison]

I like it.

I hate it more than anything ever.

Cool, then we'll just do it to you.

Hmm.

Should I bring this shirt to college?

I've been working out a lot, so I'm not sure that it's obvious anymore than it's supposed to be ironic.

It's still pretty obvious.

I'm gonna miss you the most.

I can't believe you're leaving in a week.

Hmm.

Andy, do I look old enough to have a kid in college?

Not unless you had him when you were nine.

[Whispers] Thank you.

And then they kiss.

That tickles.

[Laughing]

Oh, my God.

You know what I loved most about college?

Oh, Jellybean, are you confusing college with that management training course that you took at the Waffle House?

Fine, I didn't "go to college."

But I used to like to hang out and pretend I was a student and go to all the awesome parties.

I even joined a sorority.

But the politics drove me crazy.

So Kelly Archer gave Suzy Whitley's boyfriend a... [sings wild note]

I'm not supposed to go on her parents' boat for spring break?

That, my friends, is horse crap.

So, I packed...

Laurie, sweetheart, your point's over here somewhere.

There was something you loved about college?

OK, I'm lost inside my brain again.

Oh, Jellybean.

Drinking games! I love drinking games.

Wine up, everybody.

[All] Yeah!

[Bobby] Oh!

[All cheering]

[Bobby] Ooh!

[Laurie] Come on, get it!

[All cheering]

[Ellie] Come on, chug it, loser.

[Laughter, indistinct chatter]

But don't drink at college.

You're not of age yet.

Doesn't even look like fun.

[All exclaiming]

Oh, it's, it's really hard to chug Pinot.

Man, I love fishing off the boat.

I mean, I still have to run over to the beach to cast.

Plus, you gotta wait for a break in traffic to reel anything in.

[Chuckles] And even then, you gotta reel it in quick.

I like being your son.

Oh, hey, I got a new laptop for college.

I thought you might want the old one.

Hot damn, buddy, my first computer!

Yeah.

You know how much I'm going to miss you, right?

Same here.

[Line squealing]

Whoo! Fish on! Baby, I got a big one!

[Horn honking]

Whoa.

Nope. Just another bus.

[All] Hey! [speaking Japanese in unison]

Why do you keep doing this when you know I hate it?

You just answered your own question.

Ellie, why is Tom mowing your lawn?

He feels bad for me, I'm not sure why.

Maybe it's because he thinks that your son d*ed. Satan will now explain.

Do you guys remember yesterday when I was really upset because Andy threw away my latte when it still had a sip left?

I'm still mad about that.

Yeah, I feel bad, too.

Anyway, Tom came up right after and said, "Who d*ed?"

I said, "Stan." But I was talking to my Bluetooth, I wasn't talking to him.

And before I could explain, he started crying and talking about God's plan, and then he started doing things for me, and, well, you know, I went with it.

You're OK with this?

I don't want to mow the lawn.

It's like a thousand degrees out there.

Ellie, no look. Whoo!

Hells yeah!

I forget you even have a kid.

I mean, you never talk about Dan.

Stan.

Who cares?

Is there anything worse than an intelligent woman who squirts out a baby and talks about every boring detail of its life? Andy, tell him what you think about that.

It might be the most un-sexy thing in the world.

OK, I heard what you said about boring baby stories, but I don't care.

Check out this macaroni necklace that Travis made me when he was one.

One?

Fine, I made it.

But I used his hands like he was a little puppet.

Hey, guys.

[Quietly] Hi, Tom.

You want me to get your lawn, too, Jules?

Oh, God, thanks, Tom.

It is a tough time.

I can't imagine.

You're all going to hell.

So are you.

You ate his lasagna last night.

I ate "dead baby" lasagna?

And you loved it. So put on a sad face, 'cause tonight Tom is making Mexican.

Mexican, yeah.

Ooh! So good!

[Chatter stops]

I'm sorry.

I can't believe Travis is leaving home.

[Sighs] It feels like just yesterday he...

OK, I shouldn't have to say this to a girl, I'm right here.

I can't help it, honey.

You are rocking major cleave today.

Travis used to eat out of these.

Oh, boy. You are really gonna lose it when he splits, aren't you?

No, 'cause I got a whole week to deal.

I've already started my coping process.

Getting nostalgic, day one.

Starting tomorrow, I'm gonna spend every waking second with him.

Oh, I already have a list of stuff we're gonna do.

Oh...

What's so fun about a motorcycle ride?

When I go too fast, he's gonna be afraid of dying and he's gonna hug me so tight.

[Scoffs] Poor Trav.

I know, he's screwed.

Hey, do you want me to teach you how to use that bad boy?

Please. I've mostly been using it like a magazine.

You know, hitting flies with it, using it to scratch my engine room.

You should start a blog and share your cr*cker lingo with the world.

What the fudge is a blog?

A blog is like a diary.

But you want everyone to read it. Like, if you get bad service at a restaurant, you blog it. Then you get a free meal at that restaurant. But you wonder, "Did they lure me back here so they could spit in my food?"

So you blog that.

And then they take you to court.

Wish I could take everything in your head and put it in mine.

Are you sure you have room for all her Blink-182 lyrics and her fascinating ideas on homemade birth control?

Just FYI, plastic wrap is like 93 and a half percent effective, so...

[indistinct chatter]

Oh, God, there's Barb. Please save me.

What? You are a coward.

Hi. Well, I hear your son is heading off to college.

I actually just finished a very private meeting with the dean and the chancellor.

Let's go, Dean.

You, too, Chancellor.

When Travis was a baby, when someone like that came up and bugged me, he would just cry on command and then they would leave.

All I had to do was give him just a little pinch.

He wasn't crying on command.

You were hurting him.

You shut up. I'm a good mom.

Ow!

You know what Stan does that's even more amazing than your abuse story?

Andy, we decided. No baby stories.

No, we didn't decide. You decided.

When I decide, we decide.

Not in front of the guys.

I'm gonna tell a Stan story.

I wouldn't.

Sometimes, when Stan smiles, little bubbles come out. How adorable is that?

So adorable.

I will decide your punishment later.

[Grunts]

Oh, gosh.

Oh, that's like a motorcycle hug.

Come on, tighter.

[Mimics motorcycle revving]

[Chuckling]

So, Mom.

Yep?

I think I'm gonna leave for college tomorrow.

Oh.

Oh. Still hugging. Cool.

[Groaning] OK.

[Sighs] I know classes don't start for a week, but I wanna get a head start, you know, get acclimated.

By all means, you should go and get acclimated.

God knows, you don't want to start college off if you're not acclimated.

You're awesome.

Laters.

Later.

You're never gonna leave me, are you, buddy?

[Stan cooing]

Ow!

You used to do that to your baby?

It's just a little pinch.

Ow!

Jules, you OK?

Honey, why don't you go to your crazy place?

I don't wanna.

Come on, it'll make you feel better.

Travis was born eight days late.

So he's already stolen one week from me.

Ah, that little bitch is trying to do it again.

Welcome to Crazy Town.

Here. I got her some coffee.

That's so nice, sweetie.

Oh, my God, is my punishment for telling a Stan story no eye contact?

It is.

But I love your eye contact. I crave it!

[Door closing]

Well, that's why I took it away.

[All] Hey! [speaking Japanese in unison]

Don't make me hate the Japanese.

How you doing?

Crappy. I've just...

I've got to slap out of it.

"Snap." It's "snap out of it," not "slap out of it."

"Snap" doesn't make sense. How is this gonna get you out of a funk?

But this... See, that gets your attention, right?

It really does.

Jules, slap out of it.

I will. Travis doesn't leave till tomorrow, so there's plenty of time for mother and son bonding.

I'm gonna have to whittle down this list. Let's see.

We don't have to fly a kite together.

I just have to cancel that photographer.

All right. Travis!

[Gasping]

You're mine today.

This can't be good.

OK, let's start class.

Now, where can we plug this in?

OK, let's start class.

Now, the Internet is like a series of spider webs that connects us to each other.

Oh, except that the webs are invisible.

Oh, and the spiders are nerds.

Ooh, look at them all.

OK, there you go. You're online.

Now, I assume you know some basics.

Like, if the font is too small, you just enlarge it.

Make big.

Really?

Oh, do you remember this little bear?

It's so cute, you loved it.

Ooh, doesn't smell good. Sweet.

[Chuckling]

What?

We just spent the last hour sifting through a shoebox containing a lock of hair from my first haircut, all my baby teeth, and something that looked like a piece of dried apricot.

It's either a part of his umbilical cord or the tip of his...

Umbilical cord, let's just stick with umbilical cord.

Oh, well, only Mommy knows.

Jules, make Ellie look at me.

Ellie?

No.

I gave it a sh*t.

OK, let's go, Trav.

Where we going?

We're gonna get matching toe rings.

[Chuckles] Maybe just stay here and play with my umbilical cord.

Let's go.

Come on! Just give me a taste, I'm tweaking.

Since you won't accept your punishment, you will now watch whilst I give eye contact to... another man.

Oh, no.

How do you like it, Dime Eyes?

It's cold.

Brrr.

Can't look away.

And he gets it...

...all... the way... out.

[Gasps] Oh...

[door closing]

It's like a ghost passed through me.

The only way I'm gonna get this to end is if I can get Stan to do something so amazing she can't help but tell a story about it.

Like what?

We can get him to pee on you.

Keep spit-balling.

How about on your shoes?

Slap out of it!

Ooh!

We'll get him to walk for the first time.

This'll work!

[Grunting]

I can't believe this is our last family dinner.

Are we playing tag?

It's just a mom-touch.

I gotta bank some.

Oh, I forgot to get garlic.

Do you wanna go to the store with me?

Not after last time we went out.

[Engine revving]

Oh, my God. Are you even watching where you're going?!

I love you, too.

[Travis screaming]

You're alive, you big baby.

This is a family dinner.

Where the hell is your dad?

I love the web. I mean, look at this little kitty right here play the piano!

Just like Bruce Hornsby.

And have you ever heard the term "nip-slip"?

Bobby, it's a Laurie Keller signature move.

I just drop my shoulder like so.

You're welcome, nerds.

So, when I pull on the line, Stan will stand up and walk...

Like a puppet with a bad father?

Like a baby taking his first steps.

When Ellie sees it on the monitor, she'll have to rush and tell everyone.

Perfect plan, huh?

You don't even know how dumb you are, do you?

[Andy chuckling] Oh! Oh, yeah!

Think Ellie will buy it?

I don't know. Ellie?

No.

Babe, come on, it's, it... [sighs]

It's not that bad.

Who would ever believe this?

[Giggling]

Ghost baby.

[Giggling continues]

Well, we finished all the steak.

So when your dad shows up, I'll have to give him "dead baby" tacos.

I'm probably gonna head out.

It's my last night in town, so I'm gonna go meet up with the boys and rage.

We're gonna get fro-yo.

I'm glad I get to start over in college.

I'll come with.

That sounds super fun, but tell you what.

I'm gonna do my own thing tonight and then you and I can hop back on the crazy train in the morning. [chuckles]

You can't get off the crazy train.

There's no stops.

That's what makes it so crazy.

You're kind of smothering me.

With love. It doesn't count.

It's still kind of annoying.

I'm sorry I'm being so annoying.

I hope you enjoyed your meal and all the clothes that I bought you since you were born.

Oh, here comes the guilt trip.

Oh, my God, you are so selfish.

No, I'm not being selfish, you are.

Hey!

[Yelling in Japanese]

If I'm such a burden, you're packed.

Why don't you go?

Whoa, Jules...

Did someone ask you to jump in?

Yeah, you're doing great.

Is that what you want, me to leave?

I don't care.

OK, fine.

Fine!

Take it easy.

Yeah, see you around, dude.

[Tires squealing]

Why didn't you jump in?

Hi.

Hey.

Am I a freak for sleeping in Trav's bed on his first night away?

No. You're a freak for wearing his T-shirt as a nightgown.

Well, it smells just like him.

It's a combination of self-doubt and lavender.

He uses my body wash.

Hmm-hmm. He's gonna be a real alpha male in the dorms.

He just left. He's probably having the time of his life.

Hi, are you my roommate? I'm Travis.

I'm not a perv or anything, this isn't some strange girl's panties.

This is just my mom's hair scrunchie.

That's gonna be my bed.

Yep.

You know who else I'm mad at?

God, I hope it's me.

There is one person that could've stopped this from happening.

[Bobby] Look at that.

The world just end?

[Andy uses baby voice] "Mommy, I know you're mad at Daddy, so I kicked him in the nuts. Boom."

I'm glad you find this to be so funny.

[Sighs] You can't stay mad at me for wanting to brag about our son.

And honestly, it's a little weird that you don't.

I wanna tell people about every moment with Stan.

How he blows kisses in his sleep, and he scares himself when he sneezes.

Do you remember the time he pooped in your mom's purse?

I had to hold it for him, but still.

[Chortling]

That was amazing.

Let's go tell everybody.

"A woman who just talks about her baby may be the un-sexiest thing in the world." Who said that?

Ben Vereen?

Oh, you know what...

Ellie. [baby voice]

"Daddy, who's Ben Vereen?"

[Normal voice] A very talented singer and dancer who got hit by a car.

[Baby voice] "Is he OK?"

[Normal voice]

Yeah, I think he's all right.

Bobby, if you had bothered to show up to dinner, then Travis and I would not have gotten into a fight and we would have had the perfect goodbye.

I had an awesome goodbye with Travis yesterday.

He gave me this computer, then we had one of those good, solid "man moments" where everything gets said but nobody's talking. I call it a "non-versation."

Do you think I wanted to spend all day learning how to use this demon box?

I'm hooked on adorable animal videos.

It's true. You know Bobby's one of those easily distractible types, like...

Oh, my God. There is a video of a chicken making change for a dollar.

Look, I'm not doing this for fun.

I'm learning the Internet so I can e-mail Trav.

I know this is hard for you, but it's hard on all of us.

I'm OK.

Hell, it's probably toughest on Trav.

This is his first time ever on his own, and with all those strangers, he's probably terrified that he's not gonna be able to, you know...

What the hell's the word I'm looking for?

Acclimate.

Hmm.

I'm a bad mom.

No.

I sure am gonna miss that little weirdo.

Bobby.

Hmm?

He's only 20 minutes away.

Hey, I've been looking for you.

I just came to hang with my friends.

Oh... They're not here yet?

[Indistinct mocking]

You know what we should do right now?

We should tell these guys a Stan story together.

Oh, excuse us for a second.

[Both mimic g*nshots]

m*rder-su1c1de.

We made a pact.

If only.

Do you not get what a slippery slope this is for me?

If I tell one Stan story, I'm gonna have to tell 100.

And then tomorrow I'm gonna wake up with a "sensible mom" haircut and jeans up to my armpits.

Babe, you are way too nasty and self-involved to ever be a "pathetic mommy" type.

Really?

Yes! Guys, back me up.

You lied about your own kid's death to get free food.

I thought only my mom did that.

You're not just saying that to make me feel better?

I would never say anything to make you feel better.

I dread every minute we spend together.

They mean it. And so do I.

Thanks, Andy. Thanks, guys.

[Blowing raspberry]

Suck it, Mom Jeans.

So did you come here to yell at me some more?

No, but when you use that smart-ass tone, you're kind of asking for it.

Look, I'm sorry. I just, I never stopped to think that leaving might be really hard on you, too.

It's a trillion times harder for me.

But it's not a contest.

Because if it was, I would win, and that's not fair to you.

Mom...

I've been afraid of this moment for so long.

But I know I've raised such a great kid.

We raised a great kid.

Eh...

Hmm...

Travis, I never expected some dramatic goodbye.

I just thought that we'd hug, and then I'd wave, and then you'd look back at me with some meaningful glance that just kind of summed up our whole relationship.

I hate that I spoiled this whole thing.

And now I can never get that goodbye back.

Well, you do only live 20 minutes away.

[Chuckles]

[# Rogue Wave: Eyes]

Grab Stan, we're gonna miss Travis.

Oh, my gosh, Andy, look.

[Thudding]

Bye, guys.

Bye, Travis.

See you, Trav.

Keep it in your pants, sporto.

Hey.

Meaningful glance.

I love you, Mom.

I love you, too.

[Door slamming]

[Engine revving]

Oh... Stan walked.

Now is not the time.

Right.

Well, the one thing you gotta know about Stan is that his two favorite things in the world are his bottle and bananas.

The only problem is he calls his bottle "ba-ba," and he calls bananas "be-be."

So I'm always like, "Do you want your 'ba-ba' or your 'be-be'?"

Or sometimes I say, "Do you want your 'ba-ba' and your 'be-be'?"

Because bananas make him thirsty.

The only thing I will not give him again is grape juice.

What are you doing?

We're going for the first ever quintuple...

[mimics g*nsh*t]

I'm wiping the blood off.

That's right, I'm continuing.

Where was I?

Oh! Grape juice.