02x12 - A Thing About You

[bunniefuu]

I love you.

I love you, too.

I'm feeling good about Jayson.

That is half Jules and half Grayson.

I combined our names the way they do with the celebrity couples.

Jayson sucks. It's a real name.

What about, um... Grules?

Sounds like something orphans eat.

[Mimics English accent]

Please, sir, may I have some grules?

[Mimics English accent]

No, you get back in your spaceship!

What?

I don't know what we're doing.

Hey, do you think a year from now we'll be living together?

Bye-bye, nice moment.

I'm sorry, I always fixate on the next.

I'm Future Gal.

Well, I'm Now Guy.

Oh, no. We're mortal enemies.

It's just right now is so awesome, why wouldn't I want to be in the moment?

You're right.

From now on I'm doing that.

Future Gal is so annoying.

She's not as bad as "What lf" guy.

What if when we met, I was a billionaire?

You think we still would've ended up together?

I don't know. I definitely would've had sex with you sooner.

Aw, that's sweet.

Why are you here?

Hmm. Jules' house doesn't open up until 8:00. You're out of milk.

Ah, that's party mix, buddy.

Well, that's why it tastes salty.

Now that Jules and Grayson are in love, do you ever worry that Travis is gonna see Grayson as a father figure?

Nope. But now I can't think of anything else.

You were too mean to Bobby.

That's women, buddy.

Guy friends wouldn't do that. Mm-mm.

We're too loyal.

I'm getting arm?

I'm making a point.

[Giggles] Warm.

Well, so what if you're loyal?

It's loyalty based on nothing.

Sports. Beer.

Oh, let's pee on this thing and then wrestle. I mean, you're like dogs.

At least we don't dump friends at the drop of a hat.

I actually did dump a friend for dropping my favorite hat in a puddle.

Have a nice life, Nezzie.

I never drop friends.

Oh, really?

[Phone beeping]

Pow. Wedding picture of you and your bridesmaids, with the exception of Jules, you no longer speak to any of them.

No way!

Yeah.

She has valid reasons. I mean, Katie had her baby in a bathtub.

Unacceptable!

And, well, Tina doesn't count.

She backs up mediocre looks with a horrible personality.

Tina's my baby sister.

If you wanna see a picture that matters... check it out.

Friends for life.

I would do anything for the women in this picture. Anything!

Hey, my apartment is getting painted this weekend. Can I crash here?

Wow, that is, like, the perfect time to ask me that.

Well done. Really.

Bravo. Bravo.

Thank you.

Don't you think that picture would look better like this?

Would you just...

Really? Let's cut out oldie McPhee.

Stop it. Guys, first of all immature and...

Before I met you, I was dating a rich, 30 year-old guy...

Loving this story so far.

Calm down, he was a big uggo.

Really?

No, he was beautiful.

One weekend he took me to Paris and we strolled along the Seine...

Strolling along rivers in Paris.

Must've been like, "Help!

I'm trapped in a cliché."

Trav, our last date was watching the first season DVD of Community and staying up all night watching nine Emilio Estevez movies.

The Estevez-Festevez.

Look...

You could stand to be a little bit more romantic.

I'm crazy about you, so don't freak out, OK?

Please, woman, totally Estevez.

Guys! Guys, guys, guys! Hi, could I ask you a relationship question?

No one will ever love you as much as I do.

Yeah, that's why I'm asking him.

[Grayson] Sure.

Bye, sweetie.

Bye.

Oh, look, that new wine bar opened.

That place is my competition.

You thought girls weren't loyal, but we love wine and we haven't stepped foot in that place.

That's real friendship, pal.

Wine bar?

Ellie's already running. Go!

Wine bar!

Now, ladies, what I adore about this Pinot is its audacity...

Oh...

I'll tell you later.

OK.

You'll detect subtle hints of juniper berry...

Buddy, if it takes the edge off, I am good to go.

And you're done.

Wait, what?

You don't drink wine for the right reasons.

She doesn't.

This is the most horrible day ever.

Blonde one, try that.

Tell me what you taste?

Cinnamon.

Exactly.

She is chewing cinnamon gum!

[Scoffing chuckle]

Romance isn't all about sunsets and flowers.

It can be as simple as getting to a point with your woman where you can actually stand to listen to all her pointless jibber-jabber.

I hope you and my mom grow old together.

What you ladies gabbin' about?

I'm just getting some terrible advice on girlfriend issues.

So, you went to him with your problem?

Why would you do that, Travis?

Andy, not sure why you're upset.

Because I'm human.

Scoot over, I want in on this.

Romance, huh? Ah...

What if you only had one night with Kirsten before she exploded?

You hate "What lf" guy, don't you?

Yes, so much.

Can't stand...

What if you didn't?

[Chortling]

We agree to never go back to that jerk's wine place again?

Our two person boycott will bring him to his knees.

Why are you putting things away?

Getting ready for Laurie to come over.

Oh, my God, you're Laurie-proofing your house.

She gets into things.

Like a raccoon.

Kind of. Because raccoons are cute and sometimes Laurie goes through my trash.

Not to get food but she likes to take my old magazines.

Oh, well, that's normal.

Why'd you say yes to this? You know what's the worst thing about Laurie...

Stop right there.

Girlfriends don't talk behind each other's backs.

[Sputtering laughter]

I couldn't keep a straight face.

OK, sure, Laurie's not the easiest house guest.

[Door opening, closing]

But, hey, I'm excited she's coming.

What's up, sleepover? I packed light.

Just my sleep mask and some condoms, 'cause you never know.

I usually do.

This is gonna be so much fun!

I need to borrow some toothpaste, a toothbrush and your lady razor.

Oh, and an outfit for tomorrow.

I don't know. [gasps]

Maybe a skirt to show off my drumsticks.

Wha-pam!

The elliptical has been my bitch recently.

I'll just go up into your closet and I'll root around and find some stuff.

Hey, Ellie.

Hey, raccoon.

Are you sure this picture doesn't look better like this?

Quit it. We love her.

[Laurie] Hey, can I try on this thong?

Yes!

[Laurie] Thanks, honey.

I will k*ll you!

Hey, Laurie, wait!

And dead. I walk outta here the way I came in, the police pin it on Grayson, he sells me his pub to make bail, and we finally get some good nachos in this town. What?

Good morning, Laurie.

Come downstairs, you can catch up to me on coffee. I'm two pots ahead.

Tag! You're it!

Oh, God. Are you awake?

Will you come with me, please?

[Mumbling] I love you.

All right. Stay asleep.

[Mocking] "My nachos are great, I use three kinds of cheeses. What, what."

I'm taking Kirsten out tonight, and it's gotta be more romantic than a weekend in Pa-ree.

You know what would b*at Paris?

What?

Nothing. Have you ever been?

It's breathtaking.

Strong start, let's build on it.

I'm this close to a great idea but the sound of my breath's getting in my head, so, I'm just gonna hold it for awhile. [inhaling]

You want a romance?

First, throw on a nice Cuban suit.

They exist.

Then, two flutes of champagne.

Oh, what's in the champagne?

A necklace.

What's it made of? Diamonds.

Game over.

[Travis] Yeah, I'm poor. No diamonds.

But at least the ideas are flowing. Dad?

Still working on it. Grayson, I assume you're daydreaming about Paris?

[Chuckles] The croissants are so fresh.

[Exhales] Got it. Write her a love song.

I scribbled down some titles.

Stairway to Kirsten, Hotel Kirsten-fornia.

You're just putting her name in your favorite songs.

Not all my favorites.

I didn't write down Kirsten and Julio Down By the Schoolyard 'cause it'd sound like she was throwing down with someone else.

In the God of the Kirsten?

It's Raining Kirstens?

My Kirstona.

I had a feeling you'd be back.

Look, I know this is wrong, I just...

[moans]

I just thought, maybe, we might be kindred spirits.

My only interests are drinking wine and judging people.

Then I was right.

Wait, what am I doing? I should go.

You see that woman having lunch?

With that overbite, she could eat an apple through a chain-link fence.

Apples? Look at the size of her.

They probably put up that fence to keep her out of the cupcake store.

Separated...

At...

...birth.

[In unison] Soul mates.

It has been such a blast spending this much time with you.

You know it.

Plus, I am learning so much stuff about myself.

For instance, apparently my hands look older than the rest of my body.

Well, they do.

Hmm-hmm. Great.

And, also, my shower singing is wiggity whack.

Totes, wiggity whack!

And now you have my cell.

I can't believe you have Grayson in your phone under G-Love. Barf.

I think this might be a good time for us to talk about boundaries.

Don't got none.

Just go with me.

Now, how would you feel if I were to go through your cell phone?

Fun! We can read each other's text messages!

"Dear Jules, you're awesome!

Love, Jules." Seriously?

Sometimes I text myself a little pick-me-up.

"Dear Jules, you're not so special."

Sometimes I go the other way.

Hmm.

[Sighing] All right, that was a great talk.

Laurie is so up in my grill that I had to pretend to go to work just to get away from her.

I feel horrible.

You know that postcard of a French guy on a bike with a baguette under his arm?

In Paris that's real.

Should we move to Paris?

As much as I would like to talk about that for the next six hours, I can't.

Because I'm not Future Gal anymore, remember? I'm Now Girl.

And Now Girl has a problem today because her friend Laurie wants to give her corn rows.

[Jamaican accent]

Jules got her groove back.

Oh, why? Why would you do it?

Look, come crash at my place tonight.

No, you know what? I'm gonna get real with her.

Little lesson in girl friendships.

Unlike men, we don't avoid conflict and we're not backstabbers.

You can come out now.

I wanna try the rosé.

Come on.

OK.

No. I am having a rough day.

Please don't trap me in with one of your gross Barb stories.

Jules Cobb, I am a real estate professional same as you and I have come here to tell you about a very serious problem I had with my clients at one of your listings.

What happened?

I had a physical issue during the walk-through.

I mean, everything's OK now. It just turns out I'm just highly orgasmic.

Seriously, I can't wear corduroy.

Barb trap.

That's right. [cackling]

Surprise! Friend att*ck!

Oh, good. You came here.

Oh, boy. Look at that one with the curly hair.

Ugh. That will not be cute when she's over ten.

No.

I should go.

Today was magical.

Same time tomorrow?

Of course.

All right.

Oh, and say hi to your low-rent friend for me, will you?

You know, the one with the hair so jet black she looks like a crow.

[Cawing]

I will.

Only two hours until my romantic date and we still got nothing.

What about my two-person tattoo idea?

I drew one on so you could get it.

If I get drunk later, we're making this real.

That's good, but I think I'm gonna save that idea for when I'm dating a dude... in prison.

OK, I've got to go.

Oh, hey, Grayson. Do me a solid, I'll call you later. Hit me up with that insincere romantic gibberish you used to use to bag chicks.

Hmm. I'll dial up some classics.

He's leaning on you for this like you're his dad all of a sudden.

He came to me!

What the hell was I supposed to do?

That's why I'm a better friend than you are. I put myself in my buddy's shoes.

If I were dating the ex-wife of a good friend of mine and their son came to me, I would damn well realize that you, and by "you" I mean me, were stepping on "your," my toes.

Not "your," your my toes, but I mean "mine" as in the flipped version of us.

Right, that makes sense.

Oh, man. You know what I meant.

OK, uh, Laurie, I want to be straight with you.

I'm sure you can tell that I'm a little touchy with my personal space.

Like how you freaked when I hopped in the tub with you?

I'm weird like that. Look, I'm sorry, but having a house guest is just a little too much for me right now.

I think you should get a hotel room tonight. My treat.

That's OK. I'll just go back home.

But you're having your place painted.

Nope.

I just thought it'd be a kick to crash with you for the weekend.

A kick?

Totes kick.

Totes kick.

Wow. OK, so you thought it was OK to lie and t*rture me like some sort of... space invader?

Laurie, I'm at the point where the sound of your voice is more upsetting to me than those Internet videos of foreign babies smoking.

I have never spent an evening with such an annoying person.

Why would you do that to me?

Because I missed you.

I know you're in love with Grayson, and that's cool, but I've been feeling boxed out.

And so...

...I made up a reason for us to spend time together.

I'm really sorry it sucked so bad for you, Jules.

How is it that you made me feel like the jerk?

What can I tell you? I'm good.

[Door closing]

What's the emergency?

I just said the most horrible stuff to Laurie.

She's upstairs right now grabbing her things.

Thanks for including me.

Hey, G-Iove!

All right, see you, sweetie. Bye.

She's a shell of herself.

[Door closing]

What the hell? I was so mean.

Any friend would be crushed by that.

Wow. It makes me question whether she even cares about me.

So, you're mad at her for not being mad at you for saying mean things about her?

That right there... is girl friendships.

And that right there... is a stupid face.

What's up? I'm in a rush.

I gotta pick up Kirsten and can't reach Grayson to figure out what we're doing.

I told him not to talk to you.

Oh, that's great.

I'm glad you're taking an active role in ruining my relationship.

Trav, I know I'm being overly sensitive, but I just don't like you going to Grayson for dad stuff.

Aw...

I want you to come to me for advice, you know.

And if it's not my wheelhouse, you know, like romance or investments...

Career stuff, current events, vacation ideas, hair styles, healthy foods...

We'll finish that list later.

The point is, if I don't know about it we'll find someone who does.

OK, Dad.

Thank you. Now park it.

I've been holding my breath thinking about this romance, and it finally dawned on me.

All right, it's not about Paris, it's not about tattoos.

If you're with the right gal, it is all about creating a moment.

Like what? Dad, like what?

I heard you. I just thought you were gonna come by in, like...

...20 minutes when it gets dark.

Just wait.

[Gargling, moans]

Oh. I just opened the most amazing Merlot. Have you ever tasted mischief?

Wayne, I didn't say anything before, but you were mean to my friend and if you do it again, you'll have to deal with me.

OK.

Good.

[Cawing]

It is so on.

What up, naked lady?

You wanted to talk? I know I'm early, so I thought...

You just came right up.

Laurie, this doesn't make you uncomfortable?

Nope.

What about this? Whoo!

Whoo!

Looks like fun. Those girls are moving.

Lady, you look good.

Thank you. [chuckles]

I can't believe you would compliment me after what I said.

Hey, friends always have each others' backs.

I know you fancy yourself the Queen of Mean around these parts, but Wayne Gibbons is not scared of some unemployed, suburban hausfrau who dresses like Diane Keaton's much, much, much, much, much, much, much, much, much, much, much, much, much older sister.

Is it... Is it my turn?

Yeah it is.

She texted me. She knows it turns me on when she crushes people.

That's a nice tough guy act, but I see through you, Wayne.

I see through all the way to that little boy who wore glasses and sat in the corner wondering why he couldn't find one friend to build model airplanes with him.

[Whispers] I know you're in there, nerd.

So, if you ever say mean things about Jules again, I will come across that bar, take your...

And I will stomp all over your grapes.

Do you understand me, Wayne?

Yes, ma'am.

Andy, you want to take me home now?

Are you kidding? Thank you.

I'm sorry about everything I said.

I'm sorry for not being mad enough when you said those horrible things to me.

It's OK.

I know I can be annoying.

Laurie Keller is a big personality.

Seriously, I'm like...

Oh, I don't know. What is the word?

I'm guessing... wha-bam?

Yeah. Wha-bam!

Ooh. [chuckles]

Jules, I get in people's personal space.

I'm loud and not just my voice.

My clothes, my makeup, my jewelry.

I mean, seriously.

This necklace could be a belt buckle.

Usually, when I'm getting on your nerves I can tell and I dial it back.

I don't know, I was really psyched to spend the weekend with you and...

You got jimmied up.

Oh, I was ridiculous.

But what the hell.

You know, I am who I am, right?

That's why I love you, because you are so comfortable in your own skin.

Well, come on. You are too.

Remember the naked dance upstairs?

[Both] Whoo!

Worst four seconds of my life.

[Chuckles]

I wish I could be more comfortable with who I am.

I wish I could be more like you.

Oh...

Is that the first time anyone's ever said that to you?

Yeah.

I love you.

Oh...

OK, ask me again about that romantic moment.

Dad, like what?

Like this.

[# Crooked Fingers: Twilight Creeps]

Wha!

Look at the moon over the ocean.

It's so beautiful.

So are you.

Pretty proud of yourself, aren't you?

Well, you know, I do what I do.

You know, your boat actually looks not creepy for the first time in like...

...ever.

Hey, buddy, it was your idea.

Thanks for letting me take the credit, man.

I got your back, buddy.

I feel a little weird watching.

They are getting a little handsy.

Let's get to the bar.

Please.

Go ahead.

Uh... I would like to have some of the fancy wine.

But her hair?

Do it, Wayne.

Oh, no, no. I brought my own glass.

This is Big Carl. Fill him up.

Yeah!

Cheers!

Do you know where this group's gonna be 20 years from now?

I thought Future Gal was dead.

I've decided to own it. Deal with it.

Atta girl.

What did you do?

Boy friendships or girl friendships, it doesn't matter.

We're not going to be like Ellie's bridesmaid photo.

No one here is ever gonna be ex'ed out.

Cheers!

Here, here!

Ooh! I want that photo.

Wayne, take a picture with my cell.

Do I look like the type that...

Wayne.

Three, two, one.

[Phone camera clicking]

OK. I put together an album of all the people we're no longer friends with, and I just wanted to know why.

OK. Oh, missed my birthday party.

Talked behind my back.

Oh, too happy all the time.

Said our house was "quaint."

Named her daughter Chesapeake.

Too old for hair that long.

Always tried to hug me.

Calls her husband Hurricane Frank.

Frank.

Vegan, vegan, vegan.

They were all friends.

Doesn't like Howard Stern.

Thought it would be funny to squirt me with a hose.

That was a mistake.

Husband is a tool.

Ran a marathon. Doesn't drink.

Oh, and the last one's easy 'cause it's your mom.

Great.