02x16 - Baby’s a Rock ‘N’ Roller

[bunniefuu]

Hey, sexy.

[All] Hey!

Wow! When you say things like "Hey, sexy" and you see who answers, that's a great self-esteem test.

That won't work.

Hey, dummy.

Yeah?

Yo, I heard you call me from out back.

Wow, a two-fer.

You can really tell who is a morning person and who is not.

Me, I wake up ready to seize the day.

I'm like, "Come on, day! I got you!"

She literally sh**t awake like this: "Hello!"

And she pelts me with questions like, "Why do you eat so many carbs?

What's an aardvark? Do you think we'll ever live in London?"

No.

Gotta know.

Andy seems like he would be a morning person.

[Singsong] Guilty!

And that's for the rest of my life.

Ellie is not a morning person.

Or a night person.

There's really only seven minutes during the day that you are fun to be around.

The best part is you never know when they're coming.

Not now.

OK.

Trav wakes up happy.

Maybe because sometimes he sleepwalks and he gets frisky with weird stuff.

Remember?

It started when he was 12 with our Christmas tree.

Oh, he went to town on that thing.

"Ooh, I love Christmas."

[Nervous chuckling]

I hate that I just did that.

Since I grew up in foster homes, I wake up swinging.

It comes in pretty handy, though, if I'm in some strange guy's house.

I'm like, "Back off, dude."

You should write that down for when you have a daughter.

Ellie? Stan's crying for you.

Oh, that's right. You have a kid.

What? Seriously?

She does not!

No, she does.

Bye, losers.

Later.

Bye.

Why did I answer?

OK, so we read four books, we played trains, now here's your coloring book, sweetie.

And Mommy is gonna be right... over... here.

Wow! Men start being needy so young.

Grayson's still like that, but instead of letting him nuzzle up with my boobs, Luckily, Stan spends a lot of time with the nanny while we get to pound grape.

That's my new slang.

I like it, you love it?

No. You guys always joke that I'm not with Stan.

Every day, I'm awake at least 12 hours.

I spend three hours with you, five minutes with the bald guy who shares my bathroom, and the rest of the time is with Stan.

That is a crap-ton of mommy time.

You don't know how hard it is.

Oh, come on, Travis was a baby once, too.

Jules, you had Travis in your twenties.

You had tons of energy, and plus, you were too dumb to worry that you were screwing up your kid for life.

[Chuckles] I was so dumb. I used to let him use my pill bottle as a rattle.

Having a baby in your 40s is exhausting.

And people will judge you if you keep a sippy cup full of wine in the stroller so you can pound grape.

I knew you loved it.

I do.

Look, when I had Travis, I was a scared, broke kid and Bobby was never around.

But... you're saying that it's harder now, with a nanny and a devoted husband?

Thank you so much for understanding.

Wow! OK.

You know, all that morning people talk made me think.

Since Smith and I broke up, I have not woken up once next to some random guy that I just met the night before.

Feels like that shouldn't make a woman sad.

Well, you just gotta get back out there, girl. You need to go hit it and quit it.

[Chuckling]

Toot it and boot it!

Whip it and skip it.

Wax it and tax it!

Mother it and smother it.

Bop it and drop it.

Chuck it and... re-chuck it.

Yours don't make any sense.

All right, I'm doing it! Oh... [grunts]

I just... I really need a wingman.

It can't be my friend Tina.

She's super pregnant and doesn't want to have another baby in a club.

You know I've never been a wingman.

Let me do this.

Done and done.

Tomorrow night, it is on.

It's so on.

If Ellie says it's on. May not be on.

Oh.

Hey, Bobby, what time are you picking me up for golf tomorrow?

5:30 in the AM.

Yeah, I need to practice for that PGA tourney.

They let me on this great course for free if I get there before six.

It's an amazing opportunity.

Cool. How many times have you gone?

None. I can't get up.

I keep hitting the snooze button.

But I got dog-Travis on it now.

[# Tokyo Police Club: Wait Up (Boots Of Danger)]

[Alarm beeping]

Snooze.

[Whining]

Snooze.

Where you going? Oh, right, golf.

Should I learn to play golf?

Do we do enough together?

Why don't we ever use my Jacuzzi?

[Gasping]

[Groaning]

I'm up.

[Stan crying]

You should buy that thing breakfast.

[Tires screeching]

Come on, man.

We can still make it.

Oh!

Coming through, coming through, baby!

Coming through, coming through!

Sorry, Bobby, it's 6:05.

I can't let you on. Bobby!

Bobby? Bobby?

Oh!

Whoo!

[Ducks quacking]

Did I win?

Nobody won, nobody won.

Why won't you let Andy be Laurie's wingman?

Did Andy ask you to change my mind?

No.

Tell her I'll take embarrassing photos of drunk Laurie for her.

Yeah, and tell her that I'll get like, jury duty drunk.

What are you looking at?

[Door opening, closing]

Nothing.

Hey, hottie.

[EIlie, Laurie, Andy] Hey.

Why didn't I say anything?

I was actually talking to the mirror.

You look good wet, playboy.

Yeah, I know this. [chuckles]

If there is a ridiculous Cuban hiding over there, you can tell him that it's fine if he wants to go dancing with tramp-face tonight.

Thanks, baby!

Yeah, me too!

I will stay home and do a dance.

The dance of motherhood.

You're not the first person to raise a kid.

Women have been doing this for hundreds of years.

[Whistles]

Thousands.

You really think you could handle Stan for one night?

I could do it without a nanny, and both hands tied behind my back.

That was fast.

Oh. He needs to be changed.

Hey, Laurie, will you grab me a diaper?

Laurie? Where the hell did you go?

I'm happy to stay and help.

The deal was no nanny.

Now, if you'll just hold him while I put this dangerous stuff into the pantry.

This brulée torch is probably all right, it takes like five things to light it.

No! It's not, not safe. OK.

Why does your pantry lock from the inside?

Well, when Travis went away, I turned it into a pantrylsafe room.

You know, there's enough tuna and Merlot to last me two weeks.

But where would I pee? Oh, I'll just go in the empty bottles. Yay.

Ellie wrote down emergency numbers.

And here's his EpiPen.

He's allergic to everything on Ellie's list.

He's allergic to Telemundo?

I think that's more for me.

It's almost Stan's bath time. Careful, when he gets wet he gets a little mean.

Rosa, I'm great with kids.

You know, my son almost made honor roll.

Twice. I'm a bit of a Mary Poppins.

Hell, yeah. I'll get someone to cover for me.

Especially if you are talking about a little afternoon action.

Action. Bath's upstairs.

He loves the water.

This is why men cheat.

[Mimics flying sound]

[Stan giggling]

I can't believe I missed golf again today.

It's my own fault for having that snooze burger around.

Look. You don't have to work on this all day.

Hey, you're my boy. If there's anything I can help you with, I'm jumping in whether you ask me to or not.

Thanks.

So, what you up to this weekend?

You staying in or are you gonna take your laundry hamper out on the town?

Terrific. Who else did Kevin email that video to?

Oh, Trav...

Now that he's dry, maybe we can cut little Wolverine's nails.

Oh, my gosh.

[Stan babbling]

No?

Where you going?

Well, go get him.

This is our crazy night out? A wine bar?

I practiced my club call.

Ooh! Ooh!

Hey! Not here.

Sorry.

Just wait.

Once a month, they turn this whole plaza into a club. It's sick.

Last year, my friend Nezzie got trampled, but it's OK.

The county paid for her to get metal legs.

OK, do you remember your wingman rules?

When you're dancing alone, I stand behind you and go, "Damn!"

Yes, because ass-worship is contagious.

And the most important rule?

My night's not done till you get some.

[Cheers, chuckles]

Hi! It's such a gorgeous night.

I have no kid, Wayne. Shiraz me.

Laurie, you are rocking those jeans.

Hi, girlfriend!

[Gasps] Why is it being nice?

Are these the golden seven minutes?

Boo, I love you so much.

They are.

All right, wingman, it's time.

[Rock music plays]

[Andy] Where'd they come from?

Sweetie, hold my hand and let's kiss a little.

Oh, I am so sorry, Laurie, but when Ellie's like this, I...

Too late, not now.

Let's do this.

[Squeaking]

[Clearing throat]

Hey, Mom.

Shh!

Grayson thinks I'm looking for Stan's pacifier.

Hello.

Found it!

Hey, stinky pants.

Hey.

Can't believe you're hiding.

Ellie was right, this is harder in your 40s.

I'm exhausted.

I mean, when you were a baby, I was too dumb to care.

I used to tell you to go hide, and instead of looking for you, I'd watch TV and call my girlfriends.

Well, that explains my deep distrust towards women.

Don't ever lose that, buddy.

It's a gift.

[Jules] Stan should be sleeping now, but genius here gave him chocolate-covered espresso beans.

I thought they were raisins.

And I wanted him to like me.

How are we going to tire him out without having to chase him around the neighborhood?

I can build him a play area.

Remember, Trav, like we did last year?

Huh?

Oh, no, thank you, no thank you.

Careful, he's got his mother's talons.

Is anyone in more hell than me?

[Rock music playing]

Laurie, where are you?

[Rock music fades, soft music playing]

[Rock music plays]

[Soft music plays]

[Rock music plays, soft music plays]

[Rock music plays, soft music plays]

No way.

I am all about acoustics.

Pinot?

Oh, car's fixed.

Sweet.

What's with the mirror?

When the five AM sun hits this bad boy here, it'll go through that window there, and hits right on the X, waking me.

What if the pillow moves?

[Chuckles]

You know, I could just come wake you up.

I need to do this on my own, Trav.

Oh, is this one of those times when you take something tiny and then say how it means something more profound?

My failure to wake up shows how I blow all my chances for a better life.

Yeah, I called it.

Can you name another person who gets in his own way more than I do?

Gary Busey.

True.

Still, I have to walk this road alone, son.

[Rock music playing]

You know what, Doug?

I am pissed that they just played a Miley Cyrus song and everyone knew the lyrics!

I gotta go!

Excuse me.

Too much body spray. Ugh!

[Soft music playing]

Sorry I bailed. It was too much.

I get why you didn't like it.

But, Andy, why didn't I?

It has all of my favorite things.

Sticky floors, shiny shirts, weird, rich Russian dudes who say, [mimics Russian accent]

"You want to make dance with me?"

You were in love with Smith.

You got a taste of something real, so from now on, going out to clubs looking for one-nighters isn't gonna cut it.

You don't know what you're talking about.

Fine. Go back out there.

Yeah, I will.

[Rock music playing]

Paid the bouncer 20 bucks to let me take my shirt off.

[Soft music playing]

Wayne, give me my Pinot.

I'm way ahead of you.

Well, I'm already happier now that I've dressed you two in matching jammies.

Plus, behold, the world's best baby fort.

Looks more like a baby prison.

It's an inescapable fort, like Alcatraz.

So you guys having fun over there?

You better believe it.

Hmm.

We're just sitting back relaxing while he plays in his baby prison.

Fort.

Baby fort.

Better be careful. That kid's like Houdini, he can get out of anything.

Pfft!

We're fine.

That kid ain't going nowhere.

[Babbling]

[Iock turning]

Oh! He locked it!

[Chuckles] That was so cool.

What do you have in there?

Nothing, just, you know, all my knives, half a bottle of Merlot, and a push-button fire machine. Stan!

Stan! Stan, come out!

Come on, baby!

Unlock it!

So how's it going with Stan?

Who's Stan? Boom, that's how easy it is.

I forgot he even exists.

[Grayson] Is that blood?

Excuse me, I have a roast in the oven.

What?

It's OK, it's OK, it's red wine.

Oh. Well, no, that's still bad.

He's holding a jar of peanut butter.

Is that on his allergy-of-death list?

OK, listen, if he opens that jar, you break that door down and s*ab him with this.

I don't wanna s*ab a baby!

Wimp!

Here.

[Buttons beeping]

Yes, 911?

Hi, there may be an emergency.

I'm not sure yet.

Can you just hold on a second?

He put it down.

False alarm, fellas.

I knew you'd never make a roast.

Hey, new milestone.

Stan knows how to lock doors now.

Stannie, you want a Goldfish cr*cker?

[Shaking bag]

Well, come here. There you go.

Well, I could've bribed him, but I'm a good mom.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

I used to love clubs like that.

Now they suck.

I don't know who I am anymore.

So, you're done going to crappy clubs and hopping into bed with guys.

That means you're growing up.

Plus, it reduces the odds of you being randomly m*rder*d by, like, half.

I guess.

And think how horrible it was to wake up in some strange apartment.

Wearing yesterday's clothes, and you have to do the walk of shame.

I used to love that walk.

All the judgmental looks that I got from people made me feel alive.

It wasn't a walk of shame.

It was a walk of awesome!

What am I supposed to do now, Andy?

Meet someone great, get married and have a couple of kids? Blah.

What's the point of life then?

That kind of is the point of life.

[Sighing]

You want coffee?

Get me a largey soy, extra cap.

[Mimics foaming sound]

[Yawning]

Dude.

It's only 9:30. Pretty weak.

And it's contagious. [yawning]

[Yawning]

All right, no snooze burgers tomorrow, buddy.

But, I'll dab on a little BBQ sauce.

And when that alarm goes off, I really want you to get in there and wake me.

Nighty-night. [grunting, sighing]

Oh. [sighing]

Get the cr*cker, Stan. [clucking]

Look how he goes for the big ones.

He's not a duck.

What are you doing?

I'm eating a big bite of "I was right" steak.

Hmm... But it needs something.

Maybe a nice glass of 1985 Suck It.

Ahh! So smooth.

Fine.

Having a baby is harder when you're a hundred years old like you.

Thank you.

Hmm... Hmm!

So good.

Whatcha got going on there, dime-eyes?

A big bowl of "We can do this."

Hmm-hmm. Hmm!

Come on, it's just one night.

No. And I hate mime.

Now that you know the cr*cker trick, you could do anything.

Fish crackers aren't that powerful.

Stan!

[Cooing]

Put your shirt on for a cr*cker.

[Stan babbling]

We can do this.

Yeah.

Your friend's got it all wrong, by the way.

Sorry, I was totally eavesdropping.

I don't know, maybe my dad was right.

I think my days of cheesy clubs are over.

No more trolling for one-night strange.

I still hook up, and I never go out anymore.

I just go to the pub for food, here for coffee, and my place.

How about you?

Same.

Pub for food, here for coffee, and your place.

Who's your friend?

Uh... No names. Thanks, Dad.

Thanks, sir.

That's my frappe-cap.

Paid three seventy-five.

[Stan crying]

Why won't he sleep?

Crackers aren't working.

Are you tired of Florida? Should we live in London? What is a flat?

You were asleep a tenth of a second.

How do you do that?

I don't know.

[Crying continues]

That's it, I'm getting Ellie.

No, no, no, no.

Come on, don't give up.

We can really do this.

That is so annoying.

Why do you care so much?

Because...

[crying fades]

Listen.

[Silence]

He's out.

[# Young the Giant: God Made Man]

Oh, my God. We did it! We did it.

The rest of the night is ours.

What time is it?

It's only... five AM.

[Moans]

[Beeping]

[Grunting]

Snooze sauce.

[Beeping]

[Chuckling] Yeah.

Trav. I told you, I need to do this alone.

But you're my dad, and if there's something I can help you with, then I'm jumping in, whether you ask me to or not.

Look at you, using my own words against me.

Let me help you with your clubs and, uh...

Dad!

What? Yes. Thank you.

[Gasping]

[Sighing]

[Clicking tongue]

[Sighing]

[Chuckling]

Ooh... [grunts]

Oh, I'm back!

Don't be so hard on yourself.

You have nothing to prove.

You're a great mom to Travis. Oh...

Wait, why are you being so sweet to me?

[Gasps] No way, this is your seven minutes, isn't it?

Don't tell Andy. He'll come over here and start pawing. Shh!

Honestly, I gotta tell you, last night was great.

It really made me realize how glad I am to be done with babies.

[Mimicking fighting sounds]

[Grunting]

[Blowing raspberry]

[Chuckling]

Isn't this little turkey great?

Yeah. I can't wait to have a kid.

When we get married, I'll just get him a dog.

No, no, I'm too tired.

What if...

Stop it! I need wine.

[Groaning]

All right, wake me up when we get to my next sh*t.

[Yawning]

Why do I have to drive? I'm tired too.

Shh!

Just wake me when we get to my next sh*t.