03x02 - A Mind With A Heart Of Its Own

[bunniefuu]

You know, your mom takes bath-shower-baths.

That's a bath, then a shower to wash off the bath, and then a final clean bath, 'cause that's normal.

(Chuckles)

Don't make fun of me,

Mr. Pees with no hands.

Where the hell did she come from?

Dude, if you're gonna marry my mommy, there's something you should know.

(Lowered voice)

She's an eavesdropping ninja.

Check it.

Whenever you're talking about her, she finds a way to get closer...

Because she wants to know exactly what you're saying...

About her--hey, mom.

Don't talk behind my back.

Ninja.

Boo!

Oh!

Oh! You're getting married!

It's so romantic, like that movie "Inception," when Leo loves his wife so much, but then she gets mad and moves to that weird city where there's, like, no people and earthquakes all the time.

Then he ends up on Snow Mountain and falls in love with Juno?

Aw, Jelly Bean.

You didn't understand that movie at all, did ya?

No, but I cried so hard at the end.

I want to see "Inception."

Come on. No spoilers.

But you never see anything.

Well, I'm busy, dude.

Unless you know that I've watched it, please, don't blab on about any good movies, TV shows, or books.

Well, you can have books.

Hello, Jules. Uh, what's going on with your wedding?

Thanks, tom.

I told him to pop up and say that whenever we've gone off wedding talk for too long.

Okay, so I've got to pick a date.

What's good for everybody?

I've got Tuesdays off.

Mid-week wedding--

It's a little white-trashy.

I get super emotional...

In my pants.

Yeah, I'm sorry, Jules, but we will be having sex at your wedding.

(Gags) Prince Charles.

That's what I'm gonna say now when I want to throw up.

Okay, so we got a Tuesday wedding--

Wait. It has to be in the spring.

It's when I get my ankle monitoring bracelet off. Whabam!

Tuesday spring wedding...

And we need some kind of private bang room for Ellie and Andy.

Thanks.

So sweet.

Uh, it's my wedding, too.

What about what I want?

(All laugh)

(Speaks indistinctly)

Well, that's pretty funny.

I got those guys the best engagement gift.

It's a giant portrait of them, but it's made entirely of chocolate.

You know, they're way hotter as a black couple.

Most people are.

Truth.

You know, I had a hard time finding gifts because I want to let my ex-wife and my good friend know that I'm cool with them getting hitched. And guess what?

Crushed it.

Let's say Jules needs to get to Grayson's house, like, pronto.

What does she do?

She walks over.

You walk to something you like, but when it's love, you gotta fly.

Whoo!

Whoo-hoo!

Too much speed! (Grunts)

Ooh.

(Chanting)

Bobby, Bobby, Bobby...

(Bobby and Laurie)

Bobby, Bobby.

Andy? You're not chanting.

Don't you get it?

It's a metaphor.

I connected their houses.

I mean, what's a better way of telling 'em I'm cool with everything?

How about just tell them?

Well, that's dumb.

He's right.

If you say something doesn't bother you, it means that it so does.

It's like the guy I hooked up with on Friday night.

When I said, "Ricky, I don't care that you're way shorter than me," what I really meant was, "lose my number, Frodo."

(Laughs)

Was he shorter than me?

Oh, yeah.

Gross.

(Gasps) Oh, no. I forgot to put away the ice cream!

Can't say that I'm shocked.

(Camera shutter clicking) Andy let the ice cream melt, so he had to die.

It's only pretend m*rder.

We used to fight so much about the little things.

Now whenever I get so mad that I want to k*ll him, I just do it.

It's been a great tool in our marriage.

And then Ansel Adams here takes pictures of it.

You know who ansel Adams is?

No...

But I can tell by your tone, I used her name right.

Go wash up before Stan sees you.

That little snitch tells his psychiatrist everything.

Okay, I'm gonna go visit grandpa before I head back to campus.

Oh, wait.

If you go with him, you could ask my dad for permission to marry me.

He would love it.

Thanks, babe.

You think saying, "thanks, babe" means the conversation's over?

Why is he still here?

I don't know. You already "thanks, babe-d" him.

Right?

(Sighs)

Oh, no, he di-n't.

Yes, I did.

Will you just do it for me, please?

I will now.

Mm.

(Whispers) Thanks, babe.

Ellie, I love you so much.

I want to ask you something.

Are we finally running away together?

'Cause I keep a bag in my truck.

Me, too.

Awesome.

(Clink)

You're my best friend...

And my future wife.

Mm-hmm.

Will you be my maid of honor?

Ohh. Come here.

(Chuckles)

Ohh, an Ellie hug--

So rare.

Okay. It's over.

No, no. I still feel it.

I am definitely not bath-shower-bathing today.

Laurie is gonna be so crushed when she finds out you picked me.

May I please, please, please be there when you tell her?

She's gonna be all...

(Imitates Laurie)

"Jules. It's not fair.

I grew up in a foster home.

I have an enlarged heart."

She's gonna be fine.

She's the only bridesmaid, plus I'm gonna let her hold me like a baby in the pool.

I don't get it, either, but she asks me to do it, like, twice a week.

Who cares what old fat heart wants?

And this morning, asking everybody, "when should I have my wedding?"

You're such a people-pleaser.

It's called being nice.

Ever heard of it?

Nice.

Oh, you made that up.

(Chuckles)

It's your wedding.

You're supposed to be selfish.

If you would like me to be your maid of honor, you have to stop people-pleasing. Promise.

All right, whatever makes you happy.

No.

Us happy?

No.

Me happy?

Right.

That feels weird.

(Grayson sighs)

Your grandpa lives on a ranch?

(Travis chuckles) Yeah.

His name is Chick.

Calls people "puddin'."

Has both formal and informal overalls.

Travis.

Why'd you bring city mouse?

Sir, you know Jules and I are engaged, but I forgot to ask you--

May I have your daughter's hand? (Snorts)

We'll see.

Saddle up.

(Horse whinnies)

What are we doing?

Why did I wear my skinny jeans?

Yeah, if you could scoot back, like, even an inch, that'd be super.

(Sighs)

Oh, no. There's Ricky.

Keep moving, you little squirrel.

You already climbed this tree.

Anyway, I want to talk to you about my wedding.

Yay!

Ohh. The waitress just gave him crayons.

(Clatter)

So I've been thinking about your bridal party--

Let me talk first.

Ellie has to be your maid of honor.

Okay, you talk first.

You've always been there for me.

That's why I want to hold you in a pool like a baby--

So that for once I can take care of you the way that you've always taken care of me.

That actually makes sense.

Do you think that I say things just to say them?

No.

I know that it's a lot to ask, but do you think that maybe you could have two maids of honor?

(Whispers) Of course.

Oh! Yay.

Should have talked first.

No, no. No, not now.

Come on.

Just let me do this.

We're not at a pool.

Oh, shh.

Babies don't talk.

Babies don't talk.

Laurie, please.

That one is when he got his gross back hair in my face soap.

That one is when he forgot to renew satellite.

I couldn't listen to Howard.

That's actually a cow heart.

You can buy them in Mexican grocery stores.

I remember that.

That's when he touched your turkey neck and went...

(Imitates gobbling)

(Stops gobbling)

Sorry.

Well, since I'm on a roll, I was thinking, maybe I could ask Laurie to be my co-maid of honor.

(Hisses)

Did you really just hiss?

I'm trying it out.

Look, it would make Laurie so happy, and it would make you happy, too.

Being a maid of honor is a lot of work, and if there's one thing I know about you, you hate doing things for other people.

That's true.

If Laurie was my co-maid of honor, she could do the invitations and all that crappy busywork, and you could just sit there soaking in the glory.

You paint a pretty picture, yet this reeks of people-pleasing.

Did you already ask Laurie to be your co-maid and now you're just covering your tracks?

No!

Wow. That was a little big, right?

Yeah.

No. This just makes sense, plus you will always secretly know that you were the real maid of honor.

I can't wait to rub it in her face.

See, that's not "secretly."

You want us to spot you?

Yeah, but I'm wearing a skirt with no grundies, so don't look up!

Whoo!

Whoo-hoo!

(Thud) Ooh!

My glasses.

Eh, the landing's a little rough, but Jules is gonna love it.

Yeah, Bobby.

(Sighs) I don't know.

Yeah.

Jules is skittish about stuff you build ever since you tried to k*ll her with those tub speakers.

Well, I said she could take a bath or listen to music.

Yeah.

She's not gonna like this, buddy.

I'm sorry.

I'm not trying to hurt you.

Yeah, well, it feels like my heart got kicked in the nuts.

Bobby, come on.

Bobby, come on back.

(Sighs) The back of my neck is sore from your chin stubble.

My entire crotch is sweaty from your butt heat, so nobody wins.

Hey, Chick, um, about that blessing--

Sorry you boys had to ride double dude, but my Annabelle here was just too sick to join us.

How you doing, old girl?

(Sighs)

You got someplace to be?

No. Just my bar, but I'm sure it's fine without me.

(Beeping)

(Coughs) They're gonna turn that off.

Trying to make some curly fries.

(Clears throat)

There's Jelly Bean.

Why don't you go ask her to be your other maid of honor while I try to figure out how to make a mai tai?

Great idea, 'cause, you know, I haven't asked her yet.

She's gonna be so excited.

All right.

Here we go.

Oh! There's my bride-to-be.

Oh, honey.

You're positively glowing.

Stop. I'm just flushed from the grease fire.

Okay.

As, um, listen--

As my co-maid of honor--

Oh, just say co-moh.

It's a new abbrieve

I came up with-- Total T-saver.

I need to tell you something.

(Indistinct conversations)

I may have to cut off my big toe.

(Gasps)

I, um, I got one of those pedicures at that cheap place that's also a deli.

Oh, Jules!

It's actually--

My toe's feeling a little better now, So I'm probably just gonna keep it.

Okay.

Yeah. I mean, I can even jump still.

Come on. Do it with me.

It's really fun.

Okay. Whoo!

That is fun.

She's so happy.

What up, co-moh?

Prince Charles.

J-bird!

I got a surprise for you.

You're gonna fly like that Iron Man in "Iron Man."

Is that a movie?

Spoiler!

Just come on up here so I can push you off the roof.

No. Wait, that actually is not big enough.

No!

Would you take this thing down before someone dies?

Well, you were right. Happy?

No.

Would a super-sad 2-man zip line make you feel better?

You know, seeing you with her reminds me of how much I love Jules.

So my daughter is like a horse?

No! Unless that's a good thing?

Can be.

Uh, well, then, yes, Jules is like a horse.

She's not gonna be happy when I tell her you said that.

Please don't.

(Beep) Already did.

Okay, back to that blessing.

Son, when you love somebody, you do everything you can to make them happy, 'cause it's not just about you anymore. You understand?

Yes, sir.

Good.

sh**t my horse.

What?

She's hurting.

I can't do it.

I love her too much.

And Travis is just a boy.

It does make more sense that-- that you do it.

Thanks, babe.

Aw. Grayson said I'm like a horse.

Aw.

Aw!

All right.

Let's get back to dividing up our maid of honor duties.

So who's gonna be handling the bridal shower?

You.

Wedding day mani-pedis?

You.

Bachelorette party?

You.

Party invites?

You.

Party locations?

You.

After-party clean-up?

You.

Decorating the car?

You.

And the wedding toast?

Ellie. Ellie's got a job!

Oh!

Oh, good.

I hate giving toasts.

Fear of public speaking!

What-what?

Jelly, if we're gonna be co-maids of honor, there's no more "what-what."

You know you love them.

Plus they totally tone your upper arms. What-what?

(High-pitched voice)

What-what?

No, I still hate myself.

I have a present for you.

You do?

It's cute.

I'm gonna go put mine on.

Um, Jules?

It's amazing that she'd get those T-shirts made so quickly, seeing as you only asked her to be your co-maid of honor 20 minutes ago.

What?

(Creaking sound)

Look at you--

My two maids of honor.

(Singsongy) Co-mohs.

No, no, honey. I've got time for all the words.

I am so grateful that you both love me...

Even though sometimes I do stupid, totally forgivable things.

Aw, let's hug it out.

Oh! Yay.

Ohh. You know, hugs...

Can fix anything. Mm.

Sometimes you just have to squeeze a little harder.

(Whispers)

You smell like betrayal.

Okay.

Well, I am out of here.

See you guys.

(Hisses)

Look, Ellie, what do you--

(Thud)

(Bobby, singsongy) Ladder!

Mm.

You sure we have to sh**t her?

I mean, maybe she'll get better.

She won't, son. She's dying.

(Mouths words)

(Mouths words)

Her eyes are so human.

You know, a lot of people think that horses have souls.

Oh, Annabelle.

Grayson, you're acting like you've never sh*t a horse before.

I haven't!

Weird, you're a grown man.

What? No, that's not weird.

It's very-- That's-- It's normal.

Well, just draw a line between those two big, beautiful eyes and... (Imitates g*nsh*t)

That's it. No.

I'm not sh**ting your horse.

And I don't need your permission. Jules is 40...

42? 43?

Not sure.

I don't know.

Well, we should all know that.

(Both chuckle)

Worst gift ever.

I'm not smart enough to give someone a metaphor.

If I just believed in this the way I usually believe in you, Jules would have done it.

Where the hell you'd come from?

Ninja.

You change your mind?

Hop on. Let's take a zip.

Still not feeling zippy.

But you know what I would love?

For less ladders to drop from my roof.

You know, it's bad enough I have to share the altar with that beady-eyed bartender, but vanilla gorilla gets to be there, too?

When I agreed to let her be my co-maid of honor, you said you hadn't asked her yet, you big people-pleasing liar.

I didn't ask her.

She asked me, and I agreed.

That is totally different.

Semantics.

Spoiler?

Not a movie. A word.

I warned you.

I am out as maid of honor.

No mo' co-moh.

Ellie, you're not out.

You're my best friend.

So you want to know what you're gonna do?

You're gonna suck it up and start working on your toast.

Thanks, babe.

Did you just "thanks, babe" me?

And I'll do it again.

Th-- th-- th-- th-- th-- th-- thanks, babe.

(Both, high-pitched voices) Ooh!

Fine.

I'm gonna tell Laurie that you just made her co-moh out of pity.

Jelly, dear? A word?

Ellie, no.

Hand me that handle, quick!

Oh, my God! It's happening!

Go, go, go!

(Yells)

Whoo!

Whoo!

Laurie, start the car!

When I drop into the passenger seat, g*n it!

Aah!

(Gasps) Oh!

Andy: - Oh!

Bobby: - Ooh!

Oh! Oh!

Oh, oh, oh, ohh.

Stop. Stop.

I-I can't breathe. Ow!

Oh, oh, ohh. Ohh.

You're talking?

You can breathe.

You don't know.

So why are we torturing Grayson again?

I'm cool if there's no reason.

(Chuckles) (Horse whinnies)

You know, Bobby Cobb is a good man.

Yeah, that's usually what people say right before they start slamming him.

He's a crap husband.

He really hurt your mom.

I'm her father, it's my job to protect her, and I blew it.

I had to make sure that Grayson was the kind of man that she deserves.

By seeing if he'd sh**t a horse?

I just wanted to know that he would do anything for her.

Well, this is way, way off the record, but, uh...

Grayson's all right.

Mom's lucky.

She is. I can see that.

Is the g*n still in there?

(Horse whinnies)

Hey! Hey! Hey! Grayson!

Wait a minute!

Ohh!

I'll get ice!

Oh, oh, oh, ohh!

Oh.

Honey, if it makes you feel any better, for, like, three seconds, you looked... so... cool.

That's great.

Be a doll and go upstairs to my bathroom.

There's a bottle of big, yellow pills.

Could you crush up, like, six of 'em in a glass of wine?

I love that drink.

Hey, Jules. What's going on with your wedding?

I'm bleeding internally.

Gotcha.

Look, I'll go take the zip line down.

Sounds like a good plan.

(Drive-by truckers)

♪ the sunsets we can cry over ♪

Bobby?

You know, that whole thing about you trying to connect my house to Grayson's...

Was really sweet.

Like a...

Beautiful metaphor?

I'm glad you're okay about us getting married.

You're the best.

Thanks, J-bird.

(Footsteps recede) ♪ everybody needs love, love, love, love ♪

Oh, good.

♪ Everybody needs love, love, love ♪

Still need the ice.

Ellie Torres, I am so mad at you that my butt is even twitching.

Look.

Well, of course it stops now, but touch it. It'll start again.

Are you seriously mad at me?

So I'm a people-pleaser.

I mean, you've got flaws, too.

Eh.

You can be mean.

Oh, yeah.

Like that time that you made fun of me for accidentally buying little girls' underwear?

I mean, why do they even make thongs for kids?

It wouldn't have been a thong on a 6-year-old.

Mean.

Oh, I did feel it.

That is weird.

Right?

Yeah.

You said that my wedding should be about what makes me happy.

Well, making my friends happy is what makes me happy.

That is so sad.

You don't seem to mind it when I get your favorite coffee even though I hate it or when I only buy sweaters that you want to borrow.

I said people-pleasing annoys me, not Ellie-pleasing.

I love that.

I'm sorry.

Magic fix-it hug?

Ohh.

Ooh. All better.

I'm still mad.

How mad?

Mad enough to k*ll you!

How?

Chain saw.

Where?

By a dumpster.

Oh, let's do it.

I love you.

Love you.

Smile.

(Motor revs)

Die!

(Motor whirring)

Aah!

I almost sh*t a horse today.

I fell from the sky.

Oh, could you pour me a glass?

Of course.

Thanks, babe.

No!

That was a sincere "thanks, babe,"

'cause I missed you so much today and I love you.

And now we're out of wine.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Look, you can have my glass, and I'll go get us another bottle.

That's right, buddy.

Get used to it. (Door opens and closes)