03x08 - Ways to Be Wicked

[bunniefuu]

Here you go, mom.

Thank you.

Betsy, I can't wait to try your homemade muffins.

Mmm. Snooze, you lose, dude.

Oh, man. These are so good.

So good.

Oh, man.

Big bubba needs food. Come on. Feed me.

Oh. Sorry you had to meet Mr. belly-face, ma'am.

Well, I should go check on Stan.

Thanks, mom.

Let's go. Get out.

Drop those muffins.

Did you hear her?

She has to go "check on Stan" 'cause what?

I pay so little attention to him that he might just walk out the front door and knock down some neighbor's mailbox?

Well, that did happen yesterday to my mailbox.

You know what I mean.

Now is she or is she not the worst?

Ooh. God-awful. I can't her. Horrible.

I thought she seemed pretty cool.

Wow. Ooh.

You've always been dead to me, but now you are even deader.

Way to go, new guy.

"New guy"?

I am a key member of this group.

I provide the sizzle.

And, yes, she's sweet, and she makes muffins so good that I'm smushing together the crumbs for Bobby.

You're making me a muffin ball?

You're welcome.

Oh.

Still, Ellie thinks she's horrible, so we all agree with her.

Oh.

I think I can fix this.

Half pint, what's Betsy really like? dated me in the first place was to piss her off.

Wow, you're like a big, Cuban middle finger.

Juno it, mang.

Mmm.

Thank you.

You're welcome, bubb. You're welcome.

Jules, would you please pass the salt?

Sure.

Thank you.

What? You said something nice about her mom, and now she's not speaking to you.

That's great.

Okay, how about we all agree not to talk about our moms?

I mean, it's easy for me because my mom's dead.

Mine, too.

Dead-mom high five.

People that I used to talk to just don't get it.

I know my mom seems nice, but she's like that cartoon frog that sings and dances when no one's looking, only instead of singing and dancing, she tells me I have lesbian legs.

Everybody has issues with their mom, okay?

I'm sure she's not as bad as you say.

Jules agrees with me.

Did you just try and kick me?

I'm wearing sandals.

You don't believe that my mom is a cold, heartless sociopath?

She made me muffins.

Oh, Ellie... no.

Oh, great. Now she's not talking to me.

Sorry.

No. Now I'm not talking to you.

Best meal I ever had.

Hey, new guy.

I know it sucks being new.

In college, I was hazed so badly my first year of spirit squad.

I just said I was a male cheerleader, and you don't have a follow-up question?

I'm good.

You know, you'll always be "new guy" until you dig deeper with your friends.

Hi, guys. Observe.

Hey, Laurie.

I was just telling Grayson here about my first year in spirit squad.

O.M.G.-Spot, tell me everything. Eh?

Okay, wait. Where do you buy those big, honking wristbands?

Did the girls let you touch their junk 'cause they thought you were gay?

How high could you kick?

Could you kick this high? Whoo!

It's Friday, and you're watching sig play computer solitaire?

So lame.

Yo, drop a Jack on that red bitch.

Come on, guys.

We have this awesome party house, but chicks never come here.

Okay? And maybe...

The helmet I wore for the last six weeks was holding us back.

I don't know.

Could be, every time a chick does show up, sig sh**t nose blood all over her.

I get stress bleeds, okay? I could die.

You couldn't.

Look, we need to do something to let this campus know that we exist. Okay?

And I have an idea, but we're gonna need some help, so...

Who farted?

Oh, good. Your dad's here.

He was the only one I knew with power tools, plus he's gonna take the heat if we get caught.

Yeah, you can't kick me out of college twice.

Now what's the plan, boys?

Well, I was thinking we steal... I'm in.

Now what about you girls?

It's time to sack up or pack up.

Here you go, mom.

Mm, thank you.

Did you have a nice lunch with your little white-trash sidekick?

Mm-hmm.

You know, she even smells cheap, like moonshine and taco meat.

Hey! There's my pretty girl.

Aw. You know what? I got you a little engagement gift.

Aw.

Are you still not talking to me?

"No, we're totally cool."

Wow, I regret doing that.

I need a nap.

I have been pulling serious hooker hours with my late-night baking.

You know, whatever.

Small price to pay for working on your lifelong dream, huh?

What's your lifelong dream, Laurie?

Since I was a little girl, I have wanted to own a cake shop.

I love baking cakes.

Have I never showed you pictures?

Do you want to see?

No.

Yes. Um...

Here's my bunny cake.

That's a gayke. Gays love cake.

There's a mermaid cake, pregnant mermaid for baby showers, pie cake...

Pie cake.

Um, there's my puppy cake, my Bruce Willis cake, Alan Rickman cake... I had just watched "die hard."

Unicorn cake, burrito cake...

Oh, and these tiny ones... they're boob-shaped cupcakes.

I thought that they would sell twice as fast because it would be weird for someone to come in and just buy one, right?

I have more in my bag... pictures. Hold on.

All right. So...

How could you not believe me about my mom?

You're my best friend.

All I ask is that you have blind faith in me and that you hit me with a shovel if I ever got a toe ring. Fine.

If you say she's the devil, then all right, she's the devil.

Sorry it's not wrapped.

All right...

Ow! What are you doing?

Showing you hell.

Jules had to leave.

Ungrateful little bitch.

She'd ruin this scarf anyway with that tacky black hair dye.

With all that eyeliner, God forbid she starts crying.

She'd look like Alice Cooper.

Probably.

Who's Alice Cooper?

Don't.

Was she pretty?

I don't remember a time I ever felt good about myself after being around my mom.

Sweetie, you're not only my soul mate.

You're my moral compass.

Just tell me, do I really need to keep her in my life?

It's a toughie because...

I'm not talking to you.

Seriously, dude? Sorry. My bad.

Yes. She stays in your life.

That's how family works.

But there's nothing good about her.

Untrue. She's 66 and still hot.

That bodes well for me.

Keep moving.

I can't remember one nice thing she's ever said to me.

Maybe she just can't say it to your face.

Whatever. I don't care.

Oh. Well, see, now I know you care.

That's your tell... hitting the people you love.

I mean, most people use words, but it's not important.

Now do you want me to get your mom to say something nice about you?

I don't care.

Stop it.

Yes, please.

What? We're stealing the cougar statue?

Yeah!

We're just casing it for now, okay?

So act natural.

Hey.

Dad, what, are you fake hacky-sacking?

Got a good volley going on right now.

Why does this school even have a cougar?

Nothing here has anything to do with cougars.

Who cares?

If we steal it, our house will finally be the party house and not just the house where that dental student blew his head off.

Your house is haunted by a ghost dentist?

I'm scared of both of those things.

All right. That's a big-ass cat, so I called in a man with a truck.

Come here.

Howdy, trav.

Grandpa.

Look, I appreciate you wanting to help, but we're gonna do some pretty shady stuff.

I'm not quite sure it's up your Al... oh!

Are you kidding me? What the hell?

Hey!

Be cool, boys. Be cool.

They went that way.

Thanks.

They never suspect the old guy.

Rolo?

Oh, yeah.

Okay.

Since you recently found out you're a dad, I baked you a "congrats on your baby that you had"

"with the drunk girl that you picked up at your bar "before you started dating Jules" cake.

Which is relevant in... zero ways.

I was gonna bake a red velvet baby, but then I thought it might be weird to eat your own baby.

I had a hamster that did that once.

It was so super gross...

But I could not look away.

Nature.

Oh! I gotta go. I'm late for work.

Work.

Are you happy?

Thanks to you, I've been the target of Laurie's mouth Cannon for two days straight.

"Cake. Cake. Giant jewelry.

Hot black guys. Cake."

Poor Grayson.

Your life is just like a blues song.

Ah, good.

You finally serve desserts here.

I'll have a piece.

Uh, that's not for sale.

Come on! Sell the cake.

You'll be a dream-maker like, uh, Simon cowell.

I'm not gonna do that.

I'll give you 10 bucks for a slice.

Done. Let's make some dreams happen.

Mom!

Free wine over here! Come over!

Oh, great.

If you want her to trust you and open up, you're gonna have to be as mean as she is.

I can be junkyard nasty, bitch.

I'm sorry. You're so pretty.

Fail. You're gonna have to crank that "mean" dial way up.

I can do this. Wine me.

All right.

Mm.

Mmm.

Well, that's a waste. Listen.

Yeah.

Once you enter her world... mm.

It's hard to stop being mean.

I mean, it's a miracle I can control it.

You think you control it?

I'm controlling it now.

Here she comes.

Oh.

Hey.

Hi.

Where did Ellie go?

Oh, um... to check on Stan.

You know, I stole this bottle of wine from Grayson's bar.

Don't tell on me.

Grayson can be a bit of a cheapskate.

Could be worse.

Crank up.

Grayson is a self-centered pretty boy with a bastard child and eyes so tiny, you could blindfold him with a bead necklace.

Jules...

You're awful.

I really am.

Okay.

She's in. High five. Awesome.

Hey. Nice horse trailer.

I conceived your mom in there.

There's the first scar of the night.

Hey, it'll hold a statue. Now listen.

Everybody stick to the plan, and nobody's gonna get pinched.

Whoa. You brought a g*n?

Well, you bring a g*n so you don't have to use a g*n.

What?

I'm just making sure it's not loaded.

Hey. There's a horse in here.

You forgot to unload Annabelle?

Yeah. I'm old. Could we just do this?

Uh-oh. Sig's stressed.

Let's go home.

No, no, no, no, no. This is our moment.

We can't just run away at the first sign of... scatter. Scatter.

Rookies.

It's just a surprise.

No one's gonna hit you.

Boop.

Check out my new menu.

Krazy kakes! Huh?

Even bought a new oven.

You'll make the cakes here, I'll sell them, and we'll split the profits.

Yeah!

She's not doing it with me.

Grayson, this is really sweet, but I'm not interested.

Sorry.

How about you give me a 1-second head start for every hundred dollars that you spent on her?

So that would be what, like, three, four seconds?

11.

That's... that's a lot of seconds.

My first husband was the rare triple thr*at.

He combined alcoholism and no personality with severe ugliness.

Once the cash was gone, so was I.

Those may be the darkest thoughts I've ever heard strung together.

He was Ellie's dad, you know.

She definitely made it harder to meet husband number two.

Oh, bets.

You're talking about your daughter.

You know, it's a funny thing about kids.

You raise them, provide for them... you do your job as a parent because you have to.

There's no guarantee there'll be any real connection, you know.

If you had to say something nice about Ellie, you could.

Come on. g*n to your head. Say something.

Uh-oh. I'm cocking it.

Don't make me do it.

Good night.

Hey, Stan. Is that mine?

As you were.

Wow.

Looks like someone's been sucking down some salt today, huh? Bloat much?

Mean, but good eye, 'cause I scarfed down, like, two monster soft pretzels on my way over here.

I'm sorry.

It's just, when that meanness gets a hold of you, it's like, it just feels so good.

Mm-hmm. It's like a drug, but you don't see fireworks or cartoon ponies.

Jules has never tried dr*gs.

Clearly. So... did my mom say anything nice about me?

Not that I care.

Ow!

She did. She, uh...

She said that, uh, that you're a great mom.

Can I get a direct quote?

"Ellie's a great mom."

Wow. That's...

Wow.

Thanks, Jules.

I am such a liar.

Pretzel?

Bye.

I should have asked you if you wanted to sell cakes.

Okay? But I've learned my lesson.

I will never listen to Andy again.

And I learned two lessons... one, Grayson's a lot faster than he looks, and two, he still thinks wedgies are funny.

'Cause they are.

Andy, why don't you just pull that thing down?

They don't go down.

They're in me.

Oh. You're crazy not to sell your cakes, and I'm not just saying that because I'm $1,100 in the hole.

I don't care.

Uh, don't say, "I don't care," because it makes me a little, uh, rage-y.

I don't care.

There it is again. I don't care.

That's it. I am taking that cake and I'm gonna sell it.

No, you're not. Don't touch it.

I'll touch it.

No, you're not. Grayson... all right. Guys, g... put it down right now. No.

Get $1,100...

I don't care! I...

I'm still selling this!

This is perfectly good.

I'm still selling this!

You know, before the cougar statue, they used to have a series of bronze sculptures depicting famous battle scenes from the civil w*r.

That's a great story.

Don't be like your scaredy-cat buddies.

There's nothing to be afraid of.

Ghost dentist!

Aah!

Dad, I need to talk to you.

Wait. What are you guys doing here, anyway?

We're stealing... I'm in!

I love it when we do things as a family.

Hey!

Is that the fuzz?

Everybody go civil w*r statue.

Seriously?

And here is your mug cake.

Oh, is... that's why you called me here?

To rub that in my face? That's cool.

Laurie, I know why you bailed on me.

You're scared.

Laurie Keller isn't scared of anything...

Except for old people smiling at me.

I swear it's like they want to steal your soul.

It's okay to be afraid.

Not of old people. That's insane.

Do you know what I love most about myself, Grayson?

I mean, besides everything?

It's that I know who I am.

I'm a high school dropout who works a boring job and gets paid just enough money to buy really loud clothes.

And I'm fine with that because I know that one day, I'm gonna run krazy kakes.

But... you get that if I try and I fail, then there's no more "one day," right?

My biggest dream was to have a kid.

Now I do.

Aw.

Look, not everything with Jill's how I imagined it'd be.

Isn't her name Tampa?

Her first name is Tampa.

Her middle name is Jill, and I'm going with "Jill."

Why?

The point is it's amazing having Jill in my life.

The reality's better than the dreams ever were, and you'll never know if that's true for you unless you roll the dice.

Grayson...

Roy. Roy, go back to your table. Okay?

I'll bring you a beer.

Thanks, new guy.

All right. Let's sell some cakes.

Right. Ah.

You need to really work on that nosebleed, sig.

That's why you don't have a girlfriend, man.

I'm sorry, man.

'Cause you always got nosebleeds.

I told you... no way.

You guys got it. Yep, plus I learned something that's gonna help us in college.

Campus cops will forget anything for 20 bucks.

They will.

Boys, let's go celebrate.

I'm gonna show you how to score free pizza.

Who wants to fake-choke on a sausage?

Ooh, I'm in.

June bug. Didn't you want to talk?

Dad, you never let me do anything.

I let you commit a felony tonight.

Now what's on your mind?

All right.

Ellie's mom is just so awful, and I know you can't close the door on family, but... horse feathers.

Do you think Bobby and I enjoyed helping Travis steal that statue?

I do. You're right. It was awesome.

But even it had stunk, we still would have been there, because the people we love need to know that we're always on their side.

You don't get a free pass just because you share the same blood.

Being part of a family's something you got to earn.

Otherwise, the hell with you.

I'm so glad you're my dad.

Aw.

You guys want to get high?

No.

Get out.

Where's your mom?

Packing. Car's coming to take her to the airport.

I get big Carl?

Mm-hmm.

What's going on? Are you dying?

Ellie, I lied, and I never lie.

You always lie. I don't.

You do. Fine, but never about big stuff.

Usually about big stuff.

I think we're getting sidetracked.

Listen, your mom didn't say anything nice about you.

I'm so sorry.

I think, deep down, I knew.

Well, I do have some good news.

As your moral compass, I'm freeing you.

You don't have to see her any more if you don't want to.

Awesome!

Whoa.

Didn't expect you to be this excited.

Can I get a dead-mom high five?

Morbid, but all right, if you really want one.

Oh, I want one. I want two. Dead. Mom-five.

Are you sure you're okay?

Don't worry.

I honestly don't care one way or the other if I ever see my mom again.

Oh.

Well, maybe by cutting her out, she'll realize that she needs to change.

You think she will?

I hope so.

Ellie!

The car's here.

I'm gonna head out now so I have time to buy magazines at the airport.

Okay, mom. I'll come over and say good-bye.

No, no, that's okay.

Thanks for the visit.

I'm sure we'll talk soon.

Bye, mom.

Want a hug?

I don't lie.

You do.

So much.

Never.

You lie all the time.

I don't want to lie.

Never met someone that lies as much as you.

Okay. Mm-hmm.

Wait.

Since Ellie's mom couldn't do it, no one gets any wine until you say something nice about Ellie.

I'm going to a bar.

Okay.

You are strong, you're smart, and you're an amazing friend.

And I get wine.

Oh, and you're also pretty and you're funny.

And you're beautiful and you make me laugh.

Those are the same things I said.

You took all the good ones.

No wine for you!

Grayson?

Okay, um, you, uh, you are a neighbor.

A good neighbor?

Eh.

No wine for you!

Just more for us.

You own a truck.

Sad.

You still have all your fingers.

Wow.