04x02 - I Need to Know

[bunniefuu]

(Sighs)

Thanks for meeting me here.

Hey, I get it.

You don't want me coming by your place when you roommates are there.

Wouldn't want them to think you have a mother.

Got the laundry.

It's all there. Now pay up.

All right. (Grunts) Here.

Whoa.

You trying to punk me, boy?

Give me the rest.

I love you, mom.

There's the stuff.

Oh!

(Grunts)

(Strained voice)

All right, stop. Stop.

No. I don't want to stop.

♪

Hey, Jules.

Can't talk, Tom.

It's our weekly family night.

You've got until the shade closes.

Oh, uh, so I'm leaving for a sweet vay-cay in Cancun.

Got a-a k*ller deal on a...

Can one of you feed my cat?

Got it.

Okay, who's in charge of feeding tom's stupid cat? Not it!

(Grayson and Bobby) - Not it!

Nope!

Looks like Travis' date's on cat duty.

I don't live in the area.

That sounds like a you problem.

(Both chuckle)

So tonight we're watching "Game of Thrones," because I wanna stay on top of trendy things.

Next week, we're going to watch, read, or play something called "The Hungry Games"?

I don't know what it is.

Admittedly, "Game of Thrones" gives me a giant nerdgasm, but I gotta warn you guys, it's a little racy.

(Music playing)

Oh, Trav, we're adults.

We can handle--

Oh, wow! Boobs already.

Whoo! She is pretty.

I picked a bad night to go commando.

(Laughs) (Laughs)

At least I'm not on a first date.

Oh, wait. Yes, I am.

Do her nipples look like mine?

No.

Yep.

Well, I got a hold of 'em before Trav did.

Lucky.

I know.

They used to not be nearly as long. (Mouths word)

Maybe nobody talk for a while.

Oh, boy.

Do you wanna play a little game I like to call "things that annoy Ellie"?

Ooh!

Ooh!

Vegans.

Fedoras.

Rainbows.

The WNBA.

Other people's children.

Butterflies.

Street fests.

Talking.

Oh, this could go on for 6,000 years.

I was thinking more about things that annoy me in this room.

There's the horse dog on my couch licking his junk.

(Chuckles) I love a dog who keeps a clean biscuit basket.

Dog Trav, beer me.

Still, the worst thing is that you just leave your tiny, wide socks all over the floor.

Pick them up.

Mnh.

You don't have to yell at Andy all the time to get what you want.

Please tell me more about making a marriage work.

Dog Travis used to be like Ando--

I'd yell, and he'd do stuff but he'd resent me.

I stopped yelling and started giving him treats.

Good boy!

Where did he get?

We don't even have beer.

(Fizzes) He's a beer hound.

He just finds the closest one.

(Panting)

Light beer?

(Groans) Message received.

Family night was a disaster.

We ran out of popcorn.

Oh, and I made my son and his date watch p*rn.

Did you guys know that "p*rn" is named after the instrument used to measure arousal?

The p*rn.

Oh.

Fact.

Not a fact.

I'm gonna go talk to Travis.

Wait! First, uh, check out the truth.

Freshly waxed. (Chuckles)

Ooh. It's like a brand-new slightly gay Ferrari.

Oh, I wish you wouldn't call my beauty regimen "gay."

(Chuckles) And I wish you wouldn't say "beauty regimen."

Why do you even care?

Sweetie, you know Grayson's always been a little bit h*m*.

Fact.

You're right. Bye.

Yeah.

I am not...

(Chuckles) Just because you say "fact" doesn't make something a fact.

(Whispers) Fact.

I've been thinking a lot about family night.

I don't want to ever force you to spend time with me again.

Unless, of course, I was dying, and then I'd want you around me constantly.

But I wouldn't want to burden you, so I wouldn't tell you I was dying.

But then when I finally did die... oh, you would be crushed.

I hope when I die I get to see my own funeral because--

Mom, family night.

Look, you're an adult now.

We shouldn't have to schedule mandatory get-togethers.

We should hang out whenever we want, have a drink.

You know, really connect.

Oh, my God.

You want us to be friends?

Friends that can talk about anything.

I wanna be friends with benefits.

I didn't use that right, did I?

I hope not.

All right, so tell me what's going on in your life.

Are you still hung up on Laurie?

I stole her retainer.

Friends keep secrets.

(Chuckles) Cheers.

(Clink)

Okay. What about the girl you brought to the house?

W-what was her name?

I just call her not-Laurie.

Well, not to her face.

No.

Once, but...

Oh.

It was dark.

We were making out.

The weird part is, forgetting her name made her like me more.

Why is it the second you start treating girls like crap, they can't keep their clothes on?

If I could answer that, you might not exist.

Seriously? I have to see more socks on the floor?

Problem solved.

Hey, Boo, if you pick up your socks and put them in the hamper, I'll give you a kiss on the forehead.

Really?

Is this a trick?

Are you gonna hit me?

No.

(Whispers) All right, come on.

(Chuckles)

What a good boy!

(Camera shutter clicks)

You guys totally captured Selleck, Danson, and that other guy no one can ever remember.

You know what's missing?

Tom Selleck's mustache.

Ooh! We should all grow one of those glorious bastards.

Oh, you always have such horrible ideas.

This is not one of them.

I'm in!

Yeah, baby!

(Laughs)

(Speaks indistinctly)

(Door closes)

Hey, guys, we're not doing mandatory family nights anymore.

Oh, yeah!

Whoo-hoo!

Bobby: - Whoo!

I thought you'd be sad.

(Groans) (Groans)

Anyway, I just had the most amazing grown-up date with Travis.

Oh! We talked for hours, and it felt like five minutes.

I'm so proud of you for not sleeping with him.

Honest to God, it could've gone either way.

Anyway, I told Travis to only come over when really wants to see me.

It's been nine days.

Why doesn't he want to see me?

What are you idiots doing?

This is how guys with mustaches think.

You think you're the only ones who can grow body hair?

I've let things go, too.

Check it.

All: Ohh!

Cheer up.

Trav will eventually come by.

You raised him to be dependent and helpless.

Thanks, babe.

I knew you'd take that as a compliment.

Mmm.

Mmm.

(Door closes) Bye.

(Gasps) (Gasps)

God!

Stupid 'stache rash.

(Door closes) My whole body is red from that damn thing.

Oh, to hell with it.

I'm just gonna call Trav.

I have to.

I'm in love with him.

(High-pitched voice) Huh?

I mean, I love him.

Well, they're the same, right?

What is this, amateur night at club desperate?

You are not calling him.

(Dog Travis grunts)

(Bottles clink)

(Whines)

Nice job, dog Trav! Ahh.

Why is mine Club Soda?

DT designated you my driver.

(Fizzes)

Hey.

Andy, go grab my slippers.

Oh. (Baby talk)

What a good boy!

You were right!

A few treats, some "good boys,"

I can get Andy to do anything.

He only uses the downstairs bathroom now.

We call it his pee spot.

I just meant be nicer to him...

(Whispers) not treat him like a dog.

You should be proud of yourself.

You haven't had a good idea since... ever.

Thank you.

(Clatters)

Thanks, Boo.

You want some peanut butter?

(Baby talk) Oh, that's good.

Is that good?

(Whispers) That's how I get him to take his vitamin.

(Sighs)

How awesome is this mustache?

(Imitates Sam Elliott as The Stranger) I remember the first time I met the dude.

Mm-hmm.

Aw! It's so sweet to see you get cruised in your cowboy hat.

No, that guy's not gay.

Nodding is just how mustache buddies say "hello."

No, it's how gay mustache buddies say, "meet me in the handicap stall so we can discuss Channing's Tatums."

Well, maybe it's not the 'stache. Maybe it's the hat.

♪

(Clicks tongue) No.

Even without the lid, your pulse is still giving me a real...

(Hums techno b*at)

Fine.

I guess I'll shave it.

But you love your fanny duster.

Now... if you're not just a teensy bit h*m*, why would you have to shave it?

Damn it.

Excuse me.

I feel like dancing.

(Hums techno b*at)

Oh, my God.

(Door closes)

I wanna call Travis so bad.

Here. Take my phone.

That's a calculator.

Well, I can't give you my real phone.

Travis might call.

Leave him be.

It's not that hard.

I haven't seen my kid since... ooh, bath time yesterday.

I just hate not knowing where he is.

I mean, he could be at the gym.

He could be dead in a ditch.

Yes, I know he's not at the gym.

Screw it. I'm calling him.

Jules, don't.

You'll regret it.

Girl, please. I'll be smooth.

Oh, really?

(Cell phone rings, beep)

Hello.

Trav?

(Chuckles) Weird!

I must've butt-dialed you.

From the Torres' home phone?

I know. That's crazy.

So... what up?

I'm actually super busy right now, so... (Blows air)

Well, I am totally slammed, too.

Okay, well, I'll talk to you later. Bye.

Love you.

(Line disconnects, dial tone)

How'd that feel?

(Beep)

Feels like we have a bigger gay crowd than usual.

I maybe tweeted the glarmy-- that's the gay larmy-- and told them there was a real rainbow-friendly bar with a hot 'stached owner who lurves himself some Kathy Griffin.

She's knows she's not "A" list but she just rolls with it.

Also, I fixed your sign.

It's catchy.

Doesn't bother me.

Wow.

Felt like a $5.

Andy.

Hmm?

We've gotta go.

I just saw Stan's kindergarten teacher doing something his wife shouldn't know about.

(Chair scrapes floor)

Back off. He's taken.

♪

Andy, let's go.

(Clicks tongue)

You don't have to follow her.

Sure I do. She clicked.

Don't you see what she's doin'?

Stay.

Hey, corn bread, please do not ruin this thing I've got going with Andy, or I'm gonna give you a vasectomy with that fork.

♪

(Grunts)

Andrew, all the treats and all the "good boys!"-- she's training you the same way I trained Dog Travis.

She'd never do that, right?

Eh.

I'm not an animal!

I'm a man, damn it!

(Sloshing)

Hey.

You sunning your 'stache?

I like to keep the tickler golden.

DT, fetch the lady a drink.

(Whines)

Uh-oh.

I know that look. You're obsessing about something.

This sucks.

Our kid became an adult.

I knew he'd have his own life, but I didn't think he'd leave us behind.

I mean, do you feel like he doesn't even want to see you anymore?

Not really.

Hey, mom.

So it's not that you don't want to see your parents.

Right? It's that you don't want to see me.

Mom.

Hey, thanks for feeding my cat.

Oh, right.

Your cat, that you have, which we fed.

Snowball's been acting weird ever since I got back.

You know, cold and distant, almost primitive.

Anyway, thanks for feeding her.

Mm-hmm.

That explains all the dead squirrels in the backyard.

I starved his cat.

I didn't think I could feel any worse.

Sweetie, I know how rejection can be so painful.

I mean, like, I don't know personally, but I've heard about it from girls with small boobs.

All kids pull away from their folks.

When Trav was little, he ran away, ended up in Key Largo, and to get him back, I had to trade my soul with that Haitian shaman.

Remember? (Door opens)

Nope. First I'm hearing of it.

(Door closes)

(Sighs deeply)

(Sighs deeply)

(Groans)

(Groans)

Ugh.

Ugh! Stop!

Now this is my sad.

No piggybacking!

Hey, I'm sad, too.

My wife treats me like a dog.

And as a man--

Snore!

My sad is sadder, right?

Much sadder.

(Mouths words) (Mouths words)

Look, the two of you are both mad at people you love, all right.

This is all gonna blow over.

I guess you're right.

Yeah.

Zooey Descha-hell, no!

What you two need is revenge.

If someone hurts you, you hurt them right back.

Yeah, revenge is better.

I'm in.

Mm.

Have you guys seen Snowball?

She got out.

(Snowball screeching) Oh, God!

Snowball, no!

(Laughing) (Tom) Stop!

Travis: - Look at this.

(Laughs) - Crazy!

Hey, Trav.

Mom.

What-- what are you doing here?

I brought your laundry.

I washed all your little T-shirts and your undies.

Oh, I used the lavender soap 'cause I know how you like to smell like...

(Whispers) a bitch. (Basket thuds)

I'm out.

That's my favorite thing that's ever happened.

(Snarling)

Are you chewing my favorite sandal?

(Thud)

It's a little gross at first.

It just tastes like jerky.

I'm so stupid.

What's happening?

You know I find it confusing when you're vulnerable.

I'm so sorry. I...

Come on!

♪ Confident in my sexuality ♪
♪

♪ Bongo nude like Matt McConaughey, hey, hey ♪

He plays the same dude in all of his movies.

Fact.

McConaugh-haters gonna hate.

Why can't you just own up to who you are-- a nice straight guy who's maybe just a teensy, tinesy bit uncomfortable with ripped abs and man cracks?

Because that's not who I am.

You know what? That's it.

♪

(Dings)

Let me ask you something.

Why does it make me a h*m* because I want people to know I'm straight?

I mean, you want people to know you're gay.

I'm not gay.

Uh, well, then you, sir, are a bad example.

Look, I am fine with anyone's life choice.

Man: It's not a choice!

Mistake number two.

Look, I just don't want people to judge me because I like my manis, my pedis, my waxies... (Dramatic orchestral score) my shirts that make my eyes pop, which are, by the way, all of them. (Chuckles)

You know what? I like bottomless mimosas and the redesigned VW Bug, and Brad Pitt is a work of art.

Nobody can deny that.

It's time to drop the labels, people, and just share.

Gay, straight-- the backhand snap is for all of us.

It's the perfect way to punctuate a sentence.

Oh! And, uh, you guys don't own rainbows, okay?

We all love refracted light.

It's beautiful.

So let's enjoy these things as brothers.

Who's with me?!

(Orchestral score swells)

(Music stops)

That was super weird.

(Scoffs)

Nice tizzy, Grayson.

I knew I could unravel you.

Why don't you go ahead?

Say it.

Fact.

Girl, you work my nerves.

Thought I might find you here.

This is where we had our first date.

It went so well, I thought it would lead to more.

More what?

This is my fault. Look, I love hanging out with you.

It's just sometimes it's easier to hang out with dad.

You know, he doesn't make me talk.

All we do is sit and watch TV and fart in the fart jar.

And, yes, that's exactly what it sounds like.

You don't have to tell me.

I got a couple in there.

Solid mother-son moment.

But it's just that when I'm with you, you make me talk about real stuff.

You know, you're like, "Are you over Laurie?

Who's the new girl at school?"

I can't stop thinking about Nana Ruthie.

I remember she would call, and you never wanted to talk to her.

You were always like...

(Groans)

I just don't wanna ever be Nana Ruthie to you.

Well, that'll never happen 'cause you don't have a r*cist doll collection.

Or a r*cist plate collection or a r*cist saltshaker collection.

Yeah, she was a real--

r*cist?

Well, I was gonna say "collector," but she was probably both.

See, the whole point of having a child is to love it...

(Voice breaking) and to nurture it and to worry about it.

And eventually, if you've done your job right, the child doesn't need you anymore.

But you know what? It makes me happy.

You don't sound happy.

(Chuckles) Well, I am.

I promise.

(Michael Franti & Spearhead's "Have A Little Faith" playing)

♪ When you're down ♪
♪ and the bad times seem to follow you around ♪

Okay, if you're gonna act insecure and sad, then I-I don't know who the hell I'm supposed to be.

♪ Don't let it go ♪

You know how I yell at you and nag you sometimes?

I'm aware of that behavior, yes.

I know the dog thing was stupid.

I just know me, and I-I want what I want, and I guess I felt excited to find a way to get it from you and still be nice.

Okay, other people may see you as a terrifying hate goblin.

Not done. Not done.

Not done. Not done.

But they don't matter.

I see my-- my fiery, hilarious, beautiful wife who I know loves me more than anything.

♪ I'll be strong for you ♪

I really do, you know.

Do you want to say it out loud?

I do not.

♪ Just be strong ♪

No! You have got to shave that thing.

It feels like I'm eating Willie Nelson.

There's my girl.

♪ Don't let it go ♪

Good.

Didn't miss family night.

We're not doing that anymore.

I know.

♪ Don't let it go ♪

Scootch.

♪ Don't let it go ♪

Ahh. Ooh! "Game of Thrones."

Yep.

You know, I almost figured out which one of those dudes is from the future.

The redheaded--

None of them.

None of them? Mm.

♪ Oh ♪
♪ Don't let it go ♪ (Whistling)

(Giggles)

This show has so much butt sex.

Hey, Tom, we were wondering if we could borrow three or four bottles of wine.

Oh. What happened to your face?

Uh, nothing.

I, uh, ran into a door.

(Chuckles nervously)

Isn't that crazy?

Did Snowball do this to you?

She's been, uh, really stressed lately. And, uh...

(Snowball screeches)

(Whispers) You should go.

Aw! Hey.

Uh, it-- it's okay, baby.

(Gasps)

She was just... asking directions.

(Meows)

(Whispers) I-I-I'm really gonna get it this time.

W--

(snowball screeching)

Tom: Aah! Snowball, no!

Bad cat! Please, stop!

That guy is so weird.

(Snowball screeches)