05x02 - Like a Diamond

[bunniefuu]

It is so cold!

My fingers shrank, and now my ring won't stay on.

Did you find out why the heat's not working?

Yes. Yes, I did.

Do you remember three months ago when we split up our household duties and you wanted to be in charge of paying the bills?

I have an awesome system.

I pay the bills the second I see them in the mail.

And do you remember two months ago, when you got sad about trees dying and put all of our accounts on paperless billing?

Duh!

No paper bills, less tree m*rder.

Give it a sec.

She'll get it.

Oh, wait.

Paperless means our bills won't come in the mail.

And if our bills don't come in the mail, then...

Oh, crap!

Well, then what?

What happens?

It's a miracle I can even tie my own shoes.

Okay, I forgot to pay our bills.

Not a problem.

It's okay. I'll take care of it right now.

I'll take care of it later.

Our phone got shut off?!

Jules, damn it!

That is so irresponsible.

I'm so sorry.

I know this is my screw-up.

I'm gonna fix it.

Do it soon.

I'm freezing.

The paper said the next two days could hit record lows here.

There's a 10% chance of snow.

Snow?!

Awesome!

Man, we can all build snowmen and write our mes in pee!

[ Sadly ] Not everyone can write their name in pee.

Are you more upset about that than screwing up our bills?

Of course not.

[ Voice breaking ]

Who would even want to... pee their name in the snow?

Did you know that some places make you pay in person if your bill is late?

Of course.

When I lived in New York, I would just wait until I got the third late notice.

And then I would go down to the billing office and rub up against the guy at the desk.

I never had to pay.

All right. I got to go deal with this stuff.

You. You ran out on your check at breakfast.

You owe me 15 bucks.

No, I don't.

My boyfriend served me breakfast in bed, and then I served him a little side of what-what?

Oh, no.

Did she have dark hair?

Ugh! I bet it was Missy, my doppelganger.

She looks exactly like me, except she never has any money.

Tell her.

Yeah, that's not happening.

I'm calling the cops.

Fine! Take it.

You have heard all of my doppelganger stories!

Why didn't you back me up?!

Because you're so full of crap!

You think I am lying?!

Absolutely.

But it's no big deal.

I lie all the time.

You think that Andy is Stan's father?

He is. I'm joking.

What?

Yeah, I'm trying to find out how much I owe on my car insurance.

[ Horns honk ]

What does that mean, "Lapsed"?

Oh, stupid ring.

[ Loud crash ]

[ Sighs ]

Oh. That's what that means.

Shoo! Whoo!

[ Laughs ]

Check out my duds!

You look like the hero of every '80s ski movie!

"The only way off this mountain is down the devil's chute."

[ Laughs ]

What does "Best" mean?

I made one for you, too.

[ Gasps ]

No! I love it!

Travis: You know, the weather report said there was only a 10% chance.

For snow!

I've always wanted to wake up to a winter wonderland, and it's finally gonna happen!

Here. I got this for you for our first father-son snowball fight.

Aah!

[ Chuckles ]

All right.

I'm off to stock up on canned goods!

Shoo!

You think he's a little overly excited for something that almost definitely isn't happening?

I got snow in my ear!

It's so cold!

Hey, babe.

Hi.

How's your day?

Not bad.

And I really meant that.

Those weren't just words that I'm saying that are not true.

Would you move on?

All I did was call you a huge liar.

Oh, boy.

I do not lie!

Lying is for people that hide things.

I hide nothing.

I learned that the hard way when I dropped my napkin under the table last week.

So, there's no fiction or exaggeration in your tales of world travel or pseudo-celebrity sexual encounters or friends who give birth on dance floors?

I had one friend who dropped fetus on a dance floor.

No sane person could believe the nonsense that you say is true.

Well, I always believed her.

You don't count.

She lets you see her naked.

Knuckleheads?

Never thought she was lying.

Me, neither.

Well, I then I have bad news for you-- you're all idiots.

And it will be up to me to prove that our friend JB is full of BS.

Laurie: Do your worst.

My rap is bulletproof.

Not unlike my foster brother, Zig, who after a serious lion-taming mishap, had to be completely rebuilt using a complicated...

Oh, boy.

Grayson's gonna freak!

Are you out of your mind?!

I'm sorry. I didn't realize how attractive you are.

Would you mind if I asked you that question without yelling?

Okay.

Are you out of your mind?

I'm so sorry.

This car's really expensive, isn't it?

Well, it was until a couple of minutes ago.

I have this insurance issue.

Why don't we forget about this whole thing and grab a cup of coffee, take a deep breath, and I can try to figure out how someone as incredible as you are isn't married.

[ Chuckles ]

Well, actually, I...

I'm Jules.

I'm Sam.

Shall we?

Sure.

Ellie!

I lost my insurance, I rear-ended a guy, and now I'm on a fake date to try to get out of it so Grayson doesn't k*ll me.

How do I flirt?

Bat your eyes, flip your hair, laugh at everything he says, and rock that cleavage.

Thanks, bye.

All right, bat...

Oh.

You didn't injure those during the crash, did you?

Oh, no.

Uh, they're fine.

I was just double-checking, you know.

[ Chuckles ]

"Honk-honk. Ah-roogah!"

[ Laughs ]

They're good.

Well, that's a relief.

It's hard to find a replacement horn from the 1930s.

[ Laughs loudly ]

So, um, you don't live here in town?

No, I'm just here on my way through Miami.

My venture capital firm is investing in--

This is really boring.

Tell me about you.

[ Inhales deeply ]

Well, I like wine.

Okay.

Oh, and I also sell real estate.

I like that you started with wine.

I like a nice Chianti, and not just because that's what Hannibal Lecter would drink when he ate people.

Hannibal who?

Lecter, from the movie "Silence Of The Lambs."

There were silent lambs?

Well, no. Not really.

They were more of a symbol.

[ Laughs ]

[ Clears throat ]

So you own your own business?

How did that happen?

Oh, okay.

Well, a few years ago, I was in a bad mountain-climbing accident.

[ Gasps ]

Oh, no.

Don't worry, I didn't die or anything.

Oh.

But it was a really bad fall, and it made me realize that life is a gift and we have to make the most of every day.

So, I bought my own company, I made an ungodly amount of money, and now I just spend my whole life just traveling and enjoying myself.

Falling off that mountain was the best thing that ever happened to me.

I fell off this really tall chair once.

And when I hit the floor, I found my missing hairbrush right there under the couch.

Oh.

Your story's better.

Was it a good brush?

It was a great brush.

Then I'd call it a tie.

[ Laughs ]

Ho. Lee. Majors.

I have spent the last few hours mapping out every story you've ever told.

Which has been great for business.

So, if you don't mind, I'd like to confirm a few details.

So, you were born and conceived in a jacuzzi.

Yeah.

Your mom was a Whitesnake groupie, and your dad was a politician who knocked her up and then left to be with his own legitimate family.

Yeah. - You've had five stepdads, countless foster dads, and you have been medically dead... four times?

Beach, rave, rodeo, kid rock show.

That's four.

You've been molested by a dolphin...

Ugh.

att*cked by an animatronic bear, ear ripped off by a falcon, and Robin Williams slept with your niece.

Remember, her foot got caught in his arm hair.

They had to call the paramedics to get her out.

You go to a psychic whose hands were ripped off by a chimp, and you have a friend with robot arms.

Aww! Amanda!

And another with robot legs.

Ugh. Nezzie.

Now that we are clear on the insane details...

I am gonna find the hole that sinks this ship of lies.

[ Sighs ]

Andy: [ Chuckles ]

Someone's getting an epic spanking!

Aah!

[ Both laugh ]

I got this from my bud Ron at the Pizza Palace.

Can you believe I couldn't find a snow shovel anywhere in town?

Yes.

Because this is Florida.

Where it never snows.

Until now.

[ Both laugh ]

Help me out.

Ow! Fine.

[ Sighs ]

Bobby, you know I get excited when you get excited, but the news report did say "10% chance."

Right.

For snow!

Yeah! Snow!

[ Both laugh ]

It's gonna snow, baby!

Ohh.

Sorry, I tried.

Did you? Dad, I feel like you're only hearing what you want to hear.

Look, I just don't want you to be disappointed when it doesn't snow.

Power of positive thinking, Trav.

When I believe something's gonna happen, it does.

Wine me.

My head is swimming with Laurie Keller tales of smut and lies.

Oh, how did your date go?

Amazing!

I laughed, I flipped my hair, I gave him an eyeful of big lefty and shortstack.

He didn't know what hit him.

What?

Oh, right.

I didn't tell you.

You see, I hit this really expensive car right after I found out that our car insurance had lapsed.

Lapsed?

It means expired.

Read a book sometime.

My ring fell off, and the driver of the car asked me for coffee.

And then I got some flirting tips from Ellie, and then he said, "Forget the whole thing."

Please don't be mad.

[ Chuckling ]

That is awesome!

So, I did good?

You did so good I'm a little turned on right now.

Ooh.

Come here.

[ Chuckles ] Mmm.

Mmm.

Ohh.

[ Chuckles ]

You don't have to stay and watch.

I know.

Oh, okay.

Mmm.

How long's she been at this?

Hours.

She's on her eighth cup of coffee and hasn't left to pee.

She can stare till she's dead, 'cause all my deets check out.

Belize! Ho-ho!

You said that you went on a cruise to Belize and you broke up a fight between rival drug gangs by turning your body into a human ice luge.

And?

You've never been to Belize.

[ Scoffs ]

Yeah, I have.

We went there right after--

Okay. Well...

You know, maybe it was Paraguay.

There it is, the hole in this ship!

And with that one lie, that calls everything into question.

Ruling?

Technically speaking, I have to agree.

Sorry, Laurie.

Oh. Here comes my dad.

Hope he's not too crushed it didn't snow last night.

What's up, guys?

You're okay!

I'm better than okay.

Man, I'm great!

So, you're not upset that it didn't snow?

The news said it was gonna snow today or tomorrow, which means it's definitely gonna snow tomorrow!

A 10% chance has now been cut in half--

A 100% chance!

All right. I'm gonna go fill this up with whiskey in case Dog Travis has to go make some rescues.

Or if he meets a cute bitch and wants to get funky.

[ Laughs ]

[ Gasps ]

Hi, babe.

Why don't you grab us some coffee?

Okay. You want, like, a regular coffee, or like a frappu--

Sounds great!

All right!

Hi.

Hey.

I saw your picture on one of your bus bench ads, and I figured this is probably where you work.

I've been sitting here for about four hours.

You don't work very much, do you?

Which ad was it?

Did it have mustache graffiti or penis graffiti?

No, this one was penis with a mustache on it.

Oh, that's my favorite!

Mine, too, oddly.

[ Laughs ]

Hey, you remember what I said about living life to the fullest, making the most of every day?

Yeah.

5, 6, 7, 8!

♪ ooga shaka, ooga ooga ♪
♪ ooga shaka, ooga ooga ♪
♪ ooga shaka, ooga ooga ♪
♪ ooga shaka, ooga ooga ♪

I can't stop this feeling.

♪ I can't stop this feeling ♪

Deep inside of me.

♪ deep inside of me ♪

Jules, I don't think you realize what you do to me.

♪ girl, you just don't realize what you do to me ♪
♪ ooga ooga ♪
♪ ooga shaka, ooga ooga ♪
♪ when you hold me in your arms so tight ♪
♪ you let me know, everything's all right ♪
♪ I-I-I-I'm hooked on a feeling ♪
♪ I'm high on believing ♪
♪ that you're in love with me ♪

[ Marching band plays "Hooked On A Feeling" ]

[ Clangs ]

You were supposed to ca--

He was supposed to catch that.

Woman: Oh!

[ Crowd murmurs ]

Jules Cobb...

Yeah?

Will you marry me?

Okay!

She said yes!

We're getting married!

[ Cheers and applause ]

What'd I miss?

Dude! Epic flash mob!

Whoo!

[ Crowd murmuring ]

Anybody else want some wine?

I think I'm good.

The champagne was really flowing at your engagement.

I know!

Sam thought of everything.

Dude, lighten up! Okay?

Sorry I accidentally said "Yes" to a wedding proposal.

The greatest proposal of all time, according to the entire internet.

You know what? Sam is not just handsome and charming.

He is crazy rich.

Ooh, well, too bad you're crazy married.

Would you tell her how nuts this is?

I can't help you there.

Just watching this makes me ovulate.

Just the sight of that ring incinerated my underwear.

What?

Oh, good.

You still have it on.

My hand felt naked, and my real wedding ring got lost in the car.

Well, did you look for it?

Oh, well, I'm going to.

All right, babe.

You know I get swept up in exciting moments.

By the time I realized what I had done, I had a hundred people in my face.

And I was too embarrassed to own up to it.

I'm gonna have dinner with Sam tonight and I'm gonna tell him the truth.

I just could not humiliate him in front of a crowd.

Fine, tell him tonight.

And take that ring off in our house!

I was just about to!

I wasn't.

This thing is gorgeous!

You are so lucky!

So beautiful!

I have a lot to do before dinner.

You know, I haven't had a reason to shave my legs in weeks!

You see, this story sounds crazy, but we have a video that proves it's not a huge lie.

[ Scoffs ]

What? Why are you so upset?

I might have gotten a country wrong, but I wasn't lying.

Ellie, I just hate that it's so important to you to destroy my credibility.

Oh, poor thing.

You know what she needs is a hug from Sam.

He gave me a hug.

I popped a woodrow.

Prepping for golf-cart jousting?

Bobby: No.

But that is an awesome idea that we are totally gonna try!

When we get the pizza scoop on the golf cart, Bobby will be the only snow plower in town!

Cha-ching!

Why are you doing this?

Okay, well, this is insane.

So I'm gonna set things straight.

I can't watch you k*ll his dreams!

Dad, I hate to do this, but I'd rather you accept it now than be crushed tomorrow.

You're not gonna wake up to snow.

It's not cold enough.

[ Sighs ]

Yeah, maybe you're right.

I just wanted it so bad.

It's not even chilly.

Hey, thanks for the tough love, son.

Now I just got to find a way to break it to Dog Travis.

[ Sighs ]

Hey, pal.

You know how you were all excited and stuff to see snow?

[ Voice breaking ] Do you have any idea how hard this is?

You know, this may sound strange for me to say, but thanks for at least doing this here at my bar where I can see it.

Oh, honey.

I would be a crappy wife if I didn't let my husband come to my engagement dinner.

I promise as soon as I have some privacy with Sam, I'm gonna tell him.

There she is, the future Mrs. Johnston.

That's you I'm talking about.

My last name is Johnston.

Oh, I like it.

Hey, should I go by JJ?

No!

Aah! God!

Absolutely not.

Oh, um, Sam, this is, um, neighbor, friend Grayson.

Neighbor-friend Grayson.

Nice to meet you.

I'm in really good shape.

Okay, I'll, uh, try to spread the word.

Sam, can I talk to you for a second?

Yeah.

Um, listen.

I made a big mistake.

No, no, no.

I made a big mistake.

To ambush you in front of a hundred of my friends... and none of my family!

Mom, dad, grandma!

Get in here!

This is Jules!

Ohh, honey!

[ All talking excitedly ]

Jules: Oh, thank you.

How is it that no one has snatched her up?

[ Inhales sharply ]

It's almost impossible to believe.

Laurie: Oh, good.

Did you come to tell everyone that this isn't my real hair color?

I think they already know.

Actually, I, um-- I brought you a little something.

[ Gasps ] Missy!

You freeloading bitch!

You owe me 20 bucks!

Why don't you come and get it, you over-bleached skank?!

I'm gonna rip off your face and I'm gonna shove it up your corn chute!

That'll be all, Missy.

[ Scoffs ]

Thank you.

Hey, Laurie.

Did you dye your hair?

Bite me, little eyes!

[ Scoffs ]

Okay, why did you bring her here?

To prove a point.

I spent five hours today looking for someone I wasn't even sure existed.

But I kept looking because I believe you.

It's tough for me to accept all the things you say, but deep down, I know that you're an honest person.

Thank you, Ellie.

That really means a lot to me.

Check it.

Team Sam.

Who's with me?

Oh, this is a complete disaster!

I just didn't want to publicly humiliate him!

I know. But unless you want to go ahead and actually marry the guy--

That would get me off the hook.

No, listen.

The only way out of this is to tell him.

I know.

But I just hate to disappoint people, and everyone here's gonna hate me.

Okay.

I know I have to do it.

Sam?

Yeah.

I have something to tell you.

Oh!

Everyone, my fiancée has an announcement to make!

No. No, that's not what I meant.

Okay.

What the heck.

Um...

All right.

Sam, you are an amazing guy.

And you have an amazing family.

And that's why, uh, this is so difficult for me.

All right! Stop!

I can't stand to hear another second of this!

Jules...

I'm in love with you!

I've been in love with you since the moment I saw you.

And I've just been too scared to say it.

But now Sam here with his live-for-the-moment spirit has inspired me to do this.

Jules...

[ Gasps ]

Don't marry him.

Marry me.

He's proposing without jugglers?

[ Scoffs ]

This is a total shock!

I had idea you felt this way, and... I feel it, too!

So, yes, I will marry you!

Boo!

Wrong choice.

I'm so sorry, Sam.

It's just that I've been in love with Grayson for years.

And I just never realized it until this very moment.

I wish you'd realized it yesterday before I spent $200,000.

[ Coughs ]

Two--

I mean, on the one hand, I admire what Grayson's doing, and on the other hand, crap!

Oh, Sam, you're an incredible guy.

You're gonna find someone amazing who deserves you more than I do.

A few minutes ago, I had it all.

And now I'm just a lonely billionaire.

Hi, there.

I'm Missy.

You know, I feel as though this could end in breakfast for the two of us if you're interested.

Remember when I said I was lonely before?

Don't worry about it.

What the...?

Bobby: It's on! It's on!

Snow!

♪ Wherever you are ♪

You did this?

Well, somebody had to keep Bobby's dream alive.

See, Trav? I told you I'd wake up to snow!

Well, it didn't snow.

This is... snow.

You were right, dad.

The power of positive thinking--

Aah!

Eat powder, dude!

You gonna let her get away with that?

Hell no!

No!

Get her! Get her!

♪ Wherever you are, be wherever you are with me tonight ♪

[ Laughter ]

[ Marching band plays "Hooked On A Feeling" ]

Lambs aren't silent.

They go... [Bleating]

Grayson, Monica.

[ Laughter ]