05x06 - Learning to Fly

[bunniefuu]

Hey, guys, in honor of tomorrow's annual cul-de-sac sale, I... wrote a little ditty.

You guys wanna hear it?

Play it! Play it!

Oh, absolutely!

Bobby: Absolutely! Yeah.

Oops. Dropped the pick.

(Chuckles)

Okay.

Guys?

Oh, screw it.

♪ Listen up, Jack, there's a sale in my sac ♪
♪ if you watch movies on VHS ♪
♪ or you'd like a 10-year-old dress ♪
♪ or if you collect toy submarines ♪

(Lowered voice) - Is it almost over?

♪ or dirty old figurines ♪

(Whispers) - I hope so.

(Whispers) - Oh, yeah.

♪ Tell your sister not to bail ♪
♪ tell your brother who's in jail ♪
♪ it's the annual Gulfhaven cul-de-sac... ♪

(Falsetto voice) ♪ sale ♪

That was good.

Second verse different than the first!

♪ It's the sale that everyone goes to ♪

Well, this looks like the last of it.

Why are you selling our ice cream maker?

Because we've had it for two years, and you've made ice cream exactly zero times.

Maybe I'll make some now.

Let's see. All right.

All we need is, um... some milk, some sugar, cream.

We throw this bucket into the freezer for an hour.

Then we have to take a mixing apparatus and...

Screw it. 5 bucks?

Done.

I hate yard sales.

It's just a bottom-feeders buying and selling each other's trash.

Oh! A pair of used crutches!

Sword fight?

Yeah!

Bottom-feeders.

Hey, are you selling the ice cream maker?

5 bucks.

Sweet! Is it easy it use?

It's easier than...

Ellie, little help?

It's easier than...

Jules after a bottle of wine and a compliment on her calves.

You think my calves are nice?

I'll take it.

Oh!

How much for this fine dish towel?

Hmm. 35 cents, you say?

(Clicking)

Okay, well, the nickels are jammed. How about 30?

(Coins clatter)

Well, this is horrible.

I love yard sale season.

A time for buying, a time for selling.

Time for finding that perfect pressure cooker you never knew you always wanted.

And the cycle continues.

You buy a bunch of crap, no one buys ours, and our garage becomes the dump site for all the unwashed losers of Gulfhaven.

Maybe if you're not so snarky to our customers, we'll actually be able to sell some stuff this year.

What's the fun of having a yard sale if you can't mock the lowlifes that shop there? Pfft.

If we sell the NordicTrack and the old-timey popcorn machine, we'll be able to fit your truck into the garage.

Okay. I will keep my nasty thoughts to myself...

Thoughts like your little carny change belt makes me wanna empty the coins into a sock and b*at you over the head.

We're off to a good start.

You wanna help?

This yard sale is the perfect chance for you to get rid of some of this crap.

(Clatter)

Crap?

Everything on this boat serves a purpose.

How about this broken TV?

That's my piggy bank.

This... empty paint can?

Early prototype of penny can.

That thing could be in the hall of fame one day, buddy.

What about this?

(Object thuds)

What the hell is this?

It sounds like there's a bunch of dirt in it.

Those are ashes from your Great-Grandpappy Robbie Cobb.

Well, that definitely surpasses the duck skeleton as the creepiest thing on the boat.

I was his favorite grandson, and his dying wish was for me to scatter those ashes on a roller coaster.

Crazy as that is, my main question is, what is it still doing here?!

I mean, didn't he die, like, 15 years ago?

I've been busy.

You know, the boat always needs fixin', and hanging out with your mom takes up a big chunk of time, and I've got beard maintenance.

What-- what's up with all the questions?

Man, who made you king of the boat?

Okay, enjoy that bundle of extension cords.

If you ever get 'em untangled, you're gonna love 'em.

He's never getting 'em untangled.

That doesn't bother you, taking his money for something that might not work?

Laurie, you don't get yard sales.

People just wanna buy something for 50 cents.

If the thing works, it's a bonus.

I don't think that's right, Jules.

I think that you should think about karma.

I'm not talking about my friend Karma Davis, the fiercest female wrestler in all of Tampa.

You know she once put one of her opponents in a figure four leg lock so tight, they never got out?

They're like siamese leg twins now.

That is super. I'm gonna give that some thought.

(Singsongy) Check it out!

(Normal voice)

I got these bagpipes, this stuffed porcupine, a stranger's wedding video, and...

(Singsongy) a shake weight!

(Rattles)

And to think, if we ever get divorced, half of that will be mine.

It's a 50-cent pack of cards.

No need to mull it over.

I thought you weren't gonna be snarky to the customers.

I thought so, too, but then a bunch of losers invaded my yard, and I changed my mind.

Are you even physically able to not be snarky?

I am, if I'm not surrounded by idiots, which is almost never.

Okay, prove it.

If you can be not snarky for one whole day, I'll get rid of all this stuff I bought at the yard sale today.

Last five yard sales.

Deal. But if you lose, you have to wear this inflatable sumo suit.

(Shouts indistinctly)

Deal.

Hey, Jules.

How's the, uh, suction on this vacuum?

When I turn it on, it makes a loud noise.

So I'd say good and sucky.

I'll take it.

All right.

Here you go.

Hope you love how much it sucks.

You told me that vacuum barely works.

Well, I decided to focus on the "Works" part and ignore the "Barely."

That's just good salesmanship.

(Sea bird calling)

Oh. I just got crapped on by a bird!

No, Jules. That was karma.

You just got crapped on by karma.

Oh, would you stop it, Laurie?

There's no such thing as kar... Ugh!

(Exhales)

Birds fly in flocks, okay?

That's how it works.

I'm not getting any poop.

(Gruff voice)

Ahoy, landlubber.

Look what I got at the yard sale for $5.

(Normal voice) Don't I make a great sea captain?

Stern! Jib! (Imitates sea captain) Scurvy.

You look like a guy wearing funny clothes.

What if I talked like this?

(Imitating New England accent)

There's a perfect storm coming.

Park the car in Harvard Yard.

Oi, mate!

Come here.

There's a storm on the brew.

You start sellin' fish sticks?

Dad, I think I know why you haven't spread grandpappy's ashes.

You start thinking about how embarrassing it is to be descended from a man that would make such an insane request, and you're worried about how that reflects on you, and that maybe that says something negative about who you are as a man--

Damn it, Travis, I'm afraid of roller coasters!

Why do you keep torturing me?

(Sighs)

Didn't see that coming.

Okay, I got $43 in cash money and an assload of change.

Oh, it's like a w*apon.

Uhh! I could take out a bear! Mm!

Wow. Great haul.

I couldn't sell anything.

What were you selling?

Oh, the usual--

CDs, dead wife's shoes, used scalpels, forceps, surgical masks.

Oh, come on, Tom.

Sometimes you just don't think.

You might've boned the sale, but at least you didn't jank your karma by lying to everyone.

There's no such thing as karma, because if there was, I wouldn't be celebrating with this bottle of bubbly.

(Corks pops)

(Laurie screams)

(Horror movie theme playing)

(Slo-mo voice) Tippi, no!

I'm not even gonna say anything.

Okay, you know what? I am.

That was karma!

We are gathered here to celebrate the tragically short life of Big Tippi.

(Voice breaks) Oh, God.

It just gets harder every time.

Come here.

Look, I know we go through this pretty much every year, but, uh, this is insane.

Big Tippi is family.

So zip it, Cap'n Crunch.

Big Tippi, you were the best thing to come out of Los Angeles.

Except for the fake Academy Award I got for best supporting lover.

(Kisses)

There is no greater tragedy than outliving your own wine glass.

(Door closes)

(Playing "Amazing Grace")

When did you learn to play the bagpipes?

(Panting)

Middle school band.

A friend told me it would help me get girls.

Turned out it really wasn't a friend.

More like a clever bully.

So sorry about Big Tippi, Jules.

What a terrible accident.

This was no accident.

This was karma.

Your wrestler friend from Tampa?

No.

No, I lied, and now the universe is pissed at me.

Laurie, please help me get the universe to like me again.

At least you're honoring Tippi's memory and not wussing out because you're afraid of a loop-de-loop.

Ordinarily, I'd be machine g*n snarking this moment.

(Imitates rapid g*nf*re)

(Makes gurgling sound)

(Penny clinks)

That's just about the saddest game of penny can I've ever seen.

(Penny clinks)

So you're afraid of roller coasters.

Ever since I was a little kid.

You know, I just can't stand those big, loopy rickety...

Dad, I think I know what to do about Grandpappy Cobb.

What, throw him in dumpster and forget the whole thing? - Nope.

You're gonna get over your fear of roller coasters.

Sorry, son. I just can't.

Not even for a good man like Grandpappy Cobb.

He taught me the difference between a sea lion and a seal.

The ears, Trav.

Ears.

He deserved better.

And that's why I'm gonna help you b*at this thing.

Yeah? How?

(Whispers) Technology.

I'm gonna die! Stop the ride!

You're doing great!

Trav, I'm gonna die! Please!

Hey, hon.

How's your day of no snark goin'?

I am managing.

Oh, that's great, 'cause I got some stuff I wanna show you that I got from the yard sale.

How do you like my pink fuzzy bathrobe and my 1970s era wacky Elton John glasses?

Hmm?

(Voice cracks) I...

(Whispers) love... I love it.

Then you won't mind if I get cheeky and dance around a little bit, will you?

(Giggles)

I feel so free and light.

Honey, if you do good deeds for other people, good things will happen for you.

Like this one time I was at a club, and a girl needed a shirt, so I literally gave her the shirt off of my back.

Next thing I know, guys are stuffing money into my pants.

A-boom! Textbook karma.

Good deeds. That's easy.

Oh, here. Let me help you with that, handsome.

Oh.

Wow.

There you go.

Oh, thanks, Jules.

So long, social anxiety!

(Pills rattle)

(Forced laugh) Okay.

I've so got this.

Yeah.

(Clicks tongue)

Let me help you with these.

Here you go. For you.

All right, take a step up.

All right. Have a nice day.

Okay. Here I come!

Here is a beautiful 3-bedroom, 3-bath colonial in Gulfhaven Prime.

Okay, I have to tell you-- the electrical is sh*t, and the kitchen cabinets are...

(Whispers) Crapsville.

Oh, also, there was a m*rder in the house ten years ago in the basement.

Now, honestly, I've never seen a ghost, but don't ask me about the possums.

Okay, it's like they're building a secret army.

(Whirring)

Oh, man, this is going fast!

Laurie, more wind!

(Whirring loudly)

Cue stuff falling out of pockets!

Oh!

Uh-oh! This lady forgot to zip her purse.

Aah!

(Coins clatter)

Letting you put this green screen in my apartment was one of the worst mistakes of my life-- and I was went on vacation with Dennis Rodman, y'all.

Oh, no! No, man, not the corkscrew!

Trav, stop it! Trav, stop it!

Dad!

(Grunts)

Dad, you were doing so good.

Good at almost crapping my pants!

I can't do it, Trav!

You know, Ellie, I was starting to think that my captain's outfit wasn't working for me.

(Chuckles) You're into it, aren't you?

Can't answer now.

But... please, please wear it again tomorrow.

Aye aye, Captain. (Chuckles)

Oh, there you are!

(Sliding noises)

If I didn't know any better...

I'd think you were avoiding me.

Oh, look. I'm one of those blue guys that destroys stuff.

(Flaps lips)

(Bowl clatters)

Somehow that passes for theater.

Wait. You set me up.

You started this bet so you could buy loads of yard sale crap, and I couldn't make fun of you.

Yes, I did.

But a bet is a bet.

Hey, does anyone have the time?

It's 3:00, boy!

(Beatboxing)

I did so many good deeds today, my karma is through the roof.

Ah! I could probably m*rder somebody and get away with it.

(Laughs)

It was so nice of you to take that homeless man out to lunch.

I have never seen a hobo so happy.

Or, you know, a restaurant manager so angry.

How was I supposed to know he was gonna take a bath in the lobster t*nk?

Well, the important thing is, he got his steak fajitas, and I fixed my karma.

Bring on the good, universe.

(Jules and Laurie scream)

What the hell, karma?!

That was fun.

Does the car in your office have anything to do with that guy sitting on the curb with a foil blanket?

That's the driver.

Apparently he was texting and driving-- something I would never do.

Although I have taken the occasional driving selfie.

When the wind hits your hair at 70 miles an hour... it is, like, next-level hot.

(Clicks tongue)

I did so much good stuff.

What else could karma want?

Should we get a ouija board and ask her?

I have spent half the day biting my tongue so I don't have to dress up like a fat Japanese man in a thong.

If you guys could pull back on the crazy talk, that would be great.

Laurie, what am I gonna do?

This may require an insane amount of charity-- and I'm not talking about Charity Diaz, my latina doppelganger.

Ugh. That bitch is always running around town with her blonde extensions and her day-glo push-ups bras and she's like, "¿Qué, qué?"

Ugh!

I've gotta leave right this second.

(Bobby screaming)

(Tape rips) So how'd you get here so fast with the chair stuck to you?

I coasted on the downhill parts.

I saw you zooming through town.

You came really close to hitting those two construction guys carrying that giant pane of glass.

What kind of loser is so afraid of roller coasters where he can't even honor his beloved grandfather's last wish?

Okay, dad, I have a confession to make.

I'm afraid of roller coasters, too.

Ah, you're just saying that to make me feel better.

Mnh-mnh.

Why didn't you tell me before?

Because it's incredibly embarrassing.

So I passed that onto you?

God, I guess coaster fear is in my DNA.

Yeah, it could be genetic.

Or...

Sure, we can go on the coaster, Trav.

But you should know there's a bogeyman waitin' for us on the first hill.

Yeah, let's go for a ride!

I'm sure somebody put back that missing piece of track.

When we hit the loop, keep your mouth closed 'cause there's 100% chance some dude's puke is gonna fly in your face.

Trav, I am so sorry.

It's okay, dad.

I forgive you.

And I love you, and when you love someone, you step in when they need it most.

What are you doing?

Going to the amusement park, for you and for Grandpappy Cobb.

So touching.

40 bucks says he hurls.

Did your mom pick out that outfit for you?

She's an idiot!

Sorry. Built-up snark.

Nice goatee, stone temple loser.

Adult braces? Good call, yeah.

Hey, granola, it's called deodorant.

Nice spray tan, Jersey short.

Hey, jackass, you ever think about...

(Chuckles) how handsome you are? Wow.

Really, Ellie?

Getting your snark fix on all the innocent people of Gulfhaven?

Are you following me?

Yes, I am, Ellie-San.

Now let's get you dressed up like a butt-flossed fatso.

Considering I lost and I am no longer restricted by this bet, do you think it's wise to taunt me?

No, ma'am.

What are you doing?

I'm gonna shave my head.

(Buzzing) I'm gonna donate my hair to the needy.

Jules, this may sound crazy coming from a guy in a captain's outfit, but, uh, have you lost your mind?

I mean...

(Buzzing stops)

What's going on?

Well, ever since I lied to sell stuff at the yard sale, so many bad things have been happening.

I just feel like I've been cursed with some kind of bad mojo.

"Cursed" and "Mojo"? Jules, that doesn't sound like you.

Laurie maybe.

Oh, well, she's my spiritual coach.

And we are zeroing in on the problem.

Jules, you really can't think that the universe is conspiring against you.

Of course not. (Chuckles)

I mean, probably not.

Unless it definitely is.

Maybe this karma thing is crazy, but before the yard sale, I was blessed with such good luck.

You know, my dad's health was getting better.

Travis and Laurie are doing great.

I'm married to an amazing man who usually doesn't walk around looking like a massive dork.

This is a cool jacket, and I am a cool guy.

How can this combination not be working?

Sorry. Back to your thing.

I don't know.

I just feel like the idea of karma gives me control over the bad things.

No one can control what the world throws at them, okay?

But what we can control-- except in parts of India-- is who we choose to be with.

So when life hits a rough patch, you don't reach for the clippers.

You lean on the people you love.

(Foy Vance)

♪ ...a long way yet to go ♪

Oh! Even if they smell like mothballs?

What?

♪ so let's start over ♪

I love you.

I guess I do have a great support team, don't I?

We all do.

I mean, it's like Travis going on that roller coaster to help Bobby.

Travis is going on a roller coaster?!

♪♪

Okay, you can do this.

It's just a roller coaster.

Nobody's ever d*ed on it.

(Gasps) Which means it's long overdue.

Trav! Wait! Don't do this!

Okay, I won't!

No, no, no.

Don't do this by yourself.

We're gonna do this together.

For Grandpappy Cobb.

♪ but I'm feeling ♪

You're a good kid, Trav.

He'd be so proud of you.

Now let's ride this bad boy!

There's nothing to be afraid of.

(Indistinct conversations)

Okay, now that operator's, like, 12 years old, man.

That can't possibly be safe!

♪ coffee's on ♪

It's okay. I've got you.

Mom, what are you doing here?

We came to support you.

♪ color in your eyes ♪

All of you?

That's right, pasty face.

Hey, watch it, wide load.

Sumo hip check!

Ohh!

(Thud)

Ooh.

That was so hot. (Chuckles)

Excuse me. No, we gotta do this now or it's not gonna happen.

Hey.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Um, excuse me.

I saw you cut the line.

So, uh, get to the back.

Right now.

We're losing him.

Whoa, dad!

It's okay, young man.

This is an emergency.

Oh. Um, Captain, I didn't see you there.

Please, um, hop on board.

(Chuckles)

♪♪

Jules: Great save, Captain.

Thanks. You sure you're not worried about bad karma?

I mean, we just got in front of, like, hundreds of people.

No, we were just doing it to support our friends.

Besides, I don't really believe in karma.

Good.

But maybe don't say that right as we get on a decades-old carnival ride.

All right, Grandpappy Cobb, let's get you scattered!

Yeah!

If Bobby's scattering the ashes, why is he in the front?

(Gasps) Bobby, wait!

(Camera shutter clicks)

Thanks for coming, everyone.

We've mourned our loss, and now it is time to move on.

Also, I really need to wash Grandpappy Cobb out of my mouth.

Ditto that.

I'm an ashy mess.

Okay, let's get on with it.

Please welcome our newest member of the g*ng...

Big Chuck.

Ah, Big Chuck!

Big Chuck!

Okay, I'm just gonna say it.

Does it have to be that big?

Really?

I mean, eventually, it's gonna just tumble to the earth and crash in a storm of glass, which I'm gonna have to clean up.

Oh. Okay, really, I'm--

I'm the crazy one? Okay.

We'll miss you, Big Tippi.

♪♪