05x11 - Refugee

[bunniefuu]

All right, you take one down, you pass it around 99 bottles of beer on the wall.

Yeah, ***.

All right, now, let's get these groceries on the boat.

Boat?

Boat? No.

Boat?

Boat!

You know, if they keep making computers smarter, then it's only a matter of time before the computers realize they're smarter than us and take over.

Jules, we have to do something.

Definitely!

[ Sighs ]

[ Door opens ] - Hmm...

Hmm...

Hey, guys.

How'd it go?

I asked the kid to help me clean out my garage, I do all the work, and he noses around, looking for vintage collectibles.

Laurie, check it out-- saddle.

We can mount this on a tripod, make, like, a funky Western stool...

Or we could make, like, funky Western-style trash.

Honey, don't get all artsy-fartsy on me.

You know I'm gonna go to Target for everything.

I'm redoing my condo, and Trav's helping me.

[ Chuckling ]

Wait, you're helping her redecorate her condo?

That's a guaranteed young-couple-fight scenario.

I'm getting out of here before somebody throws a lamp.

Bye, dad.

Bye.

Love you.

Jules, your dad seems like he's doing really great.

He is-- you know, when he was first diagnosed with Alzheimer's a year ago, I was so nervous, but Chick hasn't changed a bit.

[ Panting ]

B-- Bobby come home! Boat gone!

Slow down, honey.

What'd you say?

Boat. Gone.

Someone stole my boat!

They got my boat, and they got my stuff.

Oh, my stu-u-u-u-u-u-u-u-u-u-ff!

[ Sighs ] I need a drink.

Tough day?

No. Why?

[ Sighs ]

Make it a double.

I have this new supervisor at work, and I can't seem to win his respect.

Thought the Burt Reynolds look would do it, but I put it on upside down.

[ Rip ]

Ow! Mm!

Until I can win him over, I can't get any big accounts, but it's like this guy's on a different level than me.

Sounds like a perfect candidate for the neg. - What's the neg?

It's a pickup technique where you flip the power dynamic with a girl who's out of your league.

I used to teach a seminar about how to pick up chicks.

I called it "Picking up chicks with Grayson."

I hope the seminar was less lame than the title.

I call that "Ripping on d-bags with Ellie."

If you know how I can turn things around with my boss, you have to tell me.

I don't teach the dark arts anymore.

I hung up my leather bracelet and single-hoop earring long ago.

Grayson, I need this.

You may be my only hope.

Show me your ways.

Very well.

Return to this spot when the sun sets below the horizon and the creatures of the night take flight.

So... like 7:00, 7:15?

7:30?

Yeah.

Okay.

Well, I'm proud of us.

Everyone said that we would fight picking out stuff for my apartment, but we were perfect.

[ Chuckles ]

Definitely better than that amateur couple fighting in housewares--

I mean, over dish towels?

Choose your battles, people.

I know.

Other than in a cartoon, I don't think I've ever seen someone get hit over the head with a frying pan-- pow!

I love that we totally agree about everything.

I know, right?

[ Exhales deeply ]

Ooh.

What, you're gonna put that there?

Where else would I put it?

Maybe somewhere that doesn't make me want to throw up.

A low-priority case?

That was my home!

Yeah, I lived on a boat in a parking lot.

Laugh it up, boys.

[ Telephone beeps ]

Dang. The cops ain't gonna be any help.

A missing boat's the kind of case that Blacktop and Gumshoe would tackle.

When Bobby and I were married, we used to solve crimes.

Now, you're never gonna guess why I was called Blacktop.

You have black hair.

You have black hair.

I have black hair!

Well--

Yeah, and I was Gumshoe because I stepped on gum a lot.

And together, we solved the mystery of who was eating our oranges.

It was a monkey who escaped from the zoo.

And we solved the mystery of who was stealing our newspaper.

The monkey again?

Turns out, we didn't have a subscription.

How did they not do that case on "Law & Order"?

Gumshoe, I have a mystery for you.

Now that your boat's gone, where you gonna live?

Ooh, I haven't thought about that.

Maybe I could, uh, sleep in my friend Bitch-Slap's car, or I could just make a tent from a stick and a bed sheet.

Oh, Bobby, that's crazy.

You can stay with us.

Uh, here?

[ Chuckles ]

I don't know, Bobby.

A bed-sheet tent sounds pretty cool.

Come on, you're staying with us.

Aww!

Thanks, Jules!

Hey! Come on, boys!

New digs!

[ Barks ]

Yeah!

[ Laughing ]

I got you.

Impressing a superior male is no different than hitting on a chick who's out of your league.

You can use subtle, subconscious cues to give you the upper hand.

Lowering your voice half an octave conveys confidence, a gentle, reassuring touch to the shoulder disarms your prey, and then... the neg-- an insult disguised as a compliment that lowers the self-esteem of your prey, making them want to impress you.

Watch.

Hey, there.

Hey.

That's a great outfit.

Most women would be worried they'd look desperate in that thing.

Let's get out of here.

Sorry, I've got to tend to the bar.

Is there a back room we can use?

I said sorry.

[ Chuckles ]

[ Chuckling ]

Oh, yes!

I am gonna take Mr. Peterson to the back room!

In a-- in a business sense.

Not for sex.

So, Bobby's been here, what, eight hours?

How do you think it's going?

Well, I think it's been interesting.

Aww.

These poor little guys must miss their mama.

This is the only way I can get them to eat.

Bobby's a very nurturing bitch.

All right, the pups had their morning yum-yums.

Now it's my turn.

Bobby, do you need some help there?

[ Laughs ] Come on, Jules.

I'm an adult.

Think I can pour my own cereal.

It's like watching an intelligent monkey.

A regular monkey.

There's water coming from the ceiling.

Aw, Dog Travis!

He must have forgotten how to turn off the faucet.

Okay, I'm definitely gonna find that boat.

Oh, this is great.

Blacktop and Gumshoe together for one last case.

Hey, thanks for letting me borrow your suit, G-man.

What?

Wow! My old detective suit still fits.

It's been 10 years since I wore this thing.

[ Gasps ]

Bobby, your old jet-ski key!

I don't believe this!

Blacktop and Gumshoe solve another one!

How does my suit fit you better than it fits me?

Scissors.

All right, enough suit talk, Grayson.

We got a case to solve.

Oh, yeah.

And exactly how do you expect to solve said case?

By collecting some evidence, interviewing some witnesses.

I got a tape measure.

Ow!

I'm gonna go prep the golf cart to hit the crime scene.

Gumshoe out!

Jules, why are you doing this?

I mean, I doubt his boat was even stolen.

It's probably sitting in some impound lout.

Grayson, Bobby just lost his home.

He's really upset about it.

This is my way of helping him out.

Okay. It just seems like you're taking this investigation thing a little far.

Oh, please. We're just having some fun.

We're not taking it too seriously.

Bobby: Get a move on, Blacktop.

This crime ain't solving itself.

[ Walkie talkie static ]

Roger that, Gumshoe.

We're gonna make this son-of-a-bitch boat thief wish he'd never been born.

See, baby? It's just fun.

[ Pats back ]

No big deal, but you are looking at the face of a guy who just dominated his supervisor and landed a huge account.

Grayson's coaching techniques worked like a charm!

Sometimes when you're talking about work, I take a quick, invisible nap.

I'm in the mood to celebrate, so how about you make your big-sh*t husband a victory dinner?

How about you actually marry a person that does stuff like that?

How about you order something, and I'll pick it up? Like Chinese?

Oh, how about you order something, and you go pick it up?

Like not Chinese?

I guess I can... do that.

[ Inhales deeply ]

You know...

I think it's great that you have so much confidence in your role as wife and mother that you don't feel the need to take care of your family.

Actually...

I can order.

Chinese?

Sure. Whatever.

So, if it were up to me, this is how I would arrange everything.

Ta-da!

Please don't say "Ta-da."

A Vegas magician made my foster sister disappear.

We never saw her again!

I mean, not because of the trick. She ended up running away after the show.

Okay, but what do you think of the room?

I probably would've done things a little differently.

Like, why is this bowl on the coffee table?

What do you even put in it?

Whatever you want-- fruit, remotes, blankets.

You're gonna put a blanket in a bowl?

Okay, let's not get hung up on minutiae.

Listen, I have a cousin named "Minutiae."

Now, she may have a crazy name, but she would never put a blanket in a bowl.

Okay, babe, trust me.

Once you sit with it for a bit, it's gonna make perfect sense.

Now, why don't I go grab us some lunch while you take it all in?

Okay.

Okay?

I'm sure you're right.

[ Mumbles indistinctly ]

[ Dramatic music plays ]

Oh, man!

Some things never change, Gumshoe.

Let's talk suspects-- do you have any enemies, anybody who would want to steal your boat?

Yeah, I have a little beef with a few folks.

We got the harbor master, there's Don down at the golf course, and there's Slick Marco--

Oh! There's Javier the mango man.

So, this mango man-- does he sell any other fruit?

Not to my knowledge.

[ Gasps ]

What do we have here?

[ Sighs ] What do you got?

Half-eaten shrimp.

It's about a day old.

Okay, so our man likes his seafood.

Let's bag it and tag it.

Yep.

Ooh! Blacktop, look what I got.

Evidence?

No, it's my old flip phone.

[ Chuckling ] Oh, man, I lost this thing about six years ago under the boat.

I miss this thing.

Whassuup?!

I do not miss that.

Hey, that's Jerry.

Now, don't criminals often return to the scene of the crime?

Bet your blacktop they do.

Get him!

[ Tires screech ]

[ Glass shatters ]

[ Panting ]

This is the end of the line, Jerry.

Your first mistake was running.

Your second was running from us.

What happened?

Everything's messed up.

No, everything's perfect-- pillows placed for optimal back support, picture frames positioned so that our photos aren't staring at us like that creepy guy at the park.

I had it perfect.

Travis, what makes you such an expert on design?

Well, I've spent the last three years in art school studying composition, so I know how and where things look good.

Art school? Please.

I own a cake shop in the real world where people pay me for my designs, so...

I don't think frosting a dinosaur onto a cake is the same as learning from a professor with a doctorate.

You know, why don't you take your fancy words back to Hogwarts?

Fine, but I'm moving this basket back first.

And I'm moving those pillows.

Not happening, Powder.

[ Sighs ]

You know what? Maybe I'll just wait till you leave to rearrange everything.

Well, maybe I just will never leave.

Well [Scoffs], maybe I won't, either.

What did you do?

What are you talking about?

And why do you look like Julia Child on a bender?

[ As Julia Child ]

I just needed a little bump to get me through this bundt cake.

[ Slams bar ]

I just ordered my husband's dinner, made him dessert, and I was in the middle of preparing tomorrow's breakfast frittata when I got a look at myself in the mirror.

What did you teach him?

I just taught him a few basic techniques on how to flip a power dynamic, which, apparently, I'm amazing at.

And now you're teaching me.

So what's our play?

You want to run our old routine-- good cop, great cop?

Nah, that never worked.

Let's just squeeze the answers out of this punk son of a bitch.

Hey, guys.

Thanks for having me over.

These crab cakes are amazing.

Shut up.

Or that's the last thing you'll have before dinner.

We want some answers, Jerry.

What were you doing at the boatyard?

I go there to think sometimes.

He's lying. Nobody goes somewhere to think.

Where's the boat?

What boat?

Bobby's boat.

I don't have Bobby's boat.

So you sold it?

Who'd you sell it to?

I never had it.

Then why'd you run?

You were chasing me.

The sauce-- is it a remoulade or--

Oh, cool it with the innocent routine, buster!

[ Bowl clatters ]

That's gonna stain.

What's going on?

Hey, Grayson.

I'm a suspect.

They're interrogating me.

You never responded to my text about sponsoring my softball team.

I don't think I got that text.

Yes, you did, honey.

Remember?

You said there's no way in hell--

Jules! Can I talk to you for a second?

Stay put.

What the hell are you doing?

You kidnapped Jerry?

I gave him crab cakes.

Jules, this is insane.

You said this was just for fun, and now you're holding a very, very annoying man c*ptive.

Now, send Jerry home and put an end to this.

Sorry your phone sucks, Jer.

Gumshoe.

Man, Jerry's right.

These crab cakes are great!

Okay, we may have taken this a step too far.

We don't even know if the boat was really stolen.

[ Muffled ] But--

[ Cellphone rings, beeps ]

Hello?

Yeah, sure, I can put you on speakerphone.

[ Cellphone beeps ]

[ Altered deep voice ]

I have your boat.

If you ever want to see it again, come to the boatyard at 10:00 AM tomorrow.

Oh! I feel like that guy did it.

I don't believe it.

Someone really stole your boat.

Yeah, and they aren't messing around, either.

Those robot-voice things aren't for amateurs.

Isn't it strange the caller didn't ask for any money?

Yeah. Should we bring him something, just to be safe?

Hmm. Well, I don't have any cash, but, uh, got some wine.

Let's see.

How about some peanut butter?

Nice.

A three-pack of yogurt and half a bottle of soy sauce.

Nice!

Way to think on your feet, J-bird.

Let's bag it!

Anything else?

Just our backup.

Hey, Jules.

Hey, Tom, you still got the moves from when you taught karate?

Well, it was actually more of a yoga class with some light tai chi, you know, for senior citizens who were having a--

That's perfect. Let's take down this psychopath.

Say what, now?

This boat thief is about to get...

Both: Sunk.

Wait, I could just sit here forever.

Me, too.

Actually, I can't.

I have to go to work.

Yeah, I got to go to class.

I should probably go.

Okay.

But not before I move this very versatile bowl.

Fine!

Put your blanket bowl back.

I am moving Mr. Basket to his rightful home.

And don't touch the pillows!

Oh, you can protect the pillows all day, but this stool's going for a walk.

Move the stool!

I'm gonna put Mr. Tortoise back in Tortoise Town.

Okay, well, guess what-- this crazy, decorative gold thing is getting a new address.

Hey.

Andy: Ellie, hey.

You should make me something nice for dinner tonight.

It's refreshing to see generosity from someone who normally doesn't show any.

Thank you.

[ Chuckles ]

I...

I mean, I think you should get dinner and then buy me an expensive gift.

I appreciate all you do for me financially, despite your falling short in so many other areas.

Thank you. Is jewelry okay?

Yes.

[ Gasps ]

You just negged me!

Grayson gave you the power!

That's a very smart observation for someone who left the house wearing those shorts.

It's impressive how you speak your mind.

Most people would be concerned with seeming so obnoxious.

Stop.

What are you doing?

I gave you something beautiful, and you're using it like this?

As your master, I demand that you stop.

I really respect how you're not phased by sounding so douchey.

And people with such small eyes rarely have such big ideas.

Yeah, I guess you're right.

I...

No!

They've shifted the dynamic.

I'm no longer the master.

This ends now.

Maybe I should get you dinner.

I...

What's happening to me?!

I've got to retake control.

Whatever happens in there, Jules, I just want to say that it was awesome being partners again.

It was great, wasn't it?

Yeah. Thanks for having my back, Blacktop.

Anytime, Gumshoe.

Any chance I could get a nickname?

Uh, Big Daddy Cool, Smooth Dyn--

Ain't gonna happen.

Okay.

My boat!

It's back!

My boat!

Yo! I missed you, Boat Travis!

Ooh, are you, okay?

Mwah! Did they hurt you?

Jules: They just brought it back?

I-I don't understand.

Who would do this?

Some crazy old coot with a large truck who loves a good prank.

Dad?

Care for a shrimp?

And this bad boy will go right here.

This is going over here.

Fantastic.

I'm just gonna flip-flop these pillows.

Then I'll...

Travis, wait.

Check it out.

It looks amazing.

You're right.

We did it.

It's like your crazy and my crazy is the perfect combination.

Aww.

You know, I think it was Frank Lloyd Wright who once said--

Travis, please.

I love how your sharp wit detracts from your cold, bitter soul.

You're so charming, I would take that over sexy any day.

That's it!

Class is back in... session!

I'm Grayson, and I've got all the knowledge, power, and all the right-- ha-- moves.

So bow down to the master, because I am taking back the power!

[ Both laugh ]

What a dork.

What's with the getup?

And the horrible moves?

He's like a dad at a One Direction concert.

Oh, that Harry Styles is so talented.

I totally agree.

You want to get out of here?

Yeah, let's get out of here.

It's okay.

[ Chuckles lightly ]

You know, I'm the master.

You can't hurt the master.

Dad, why in the world would you steal Bobby's boat?

Well, one, I love a good prank.

[ Chuckles ]

And, two, I wanted you guys to have a little fun.

So, did you?

We really did.

[ Laughs ]

It was a blast, man.

We even kidnapped somebody.

Why would you go through all this trouble so Bobby and I would have fun?

Well, I know you two have been having some problems lately.

I thought going on a goofy, little adventure might bring you closer together.

Problems?

What are you talking about?

Your marriage to Bobby.

I love you two together.

I don't want to see you get divorced.

Chick, Jules and I have been divorced for years.

What?

Oh, dad.

♪ you're very safe ♪
♪ and it's true you'll never b*at ♪
♪ but you'll never break ♪

[ Music stops ]

Women-- you want them.

But can you get them?

[ Slaps chest ]

No-uh!

And why?

Because you're not me.

But I'm about to give you the tips to become me.

Go from lady loser... to lady cruiser.

Hey!

[ Man coughs ]

[ Gasps ] Cool.

We're gonna learn a lot.