01x02 - Looking for Uncut

[bunniefuu]

I really don't wanna overthink it, 'cause you know how I can get...

I know...

But I'm feeling pretty excited about tonight.

You should at least try to blow him this time.

What was I supposed to do last time? He was working.

And it's not like I was gonna do it in the toilets of Esta Noche.

Why not?

Have you been in there?

It's not sexy at all. It's disgusting.

(clears throat) Can you believe our little brother is getting himself a cholo boyfriend?

I know. (laughs)

Oh my God. You're such a r*cist.

I can't be a r*cist. I'm Latino.

You're from Coral Gables.

And who said anything about a boyfriend?

Maybe I just wanna get myself a fuckbuddy.

Wait, what? Can you say that again, but just a little slower this time?

A... fuckbuddy.

(both laugh) Okay, that's never gonna happen.

You don't know. This could be a new start for me.

Hey, uh, you know he'll probably be uncut if he's a real Mexican.

Okay.

You prepared for that?

Prepared? What's that supposed to mean?

You make it sound like I should take an evening course.

Yeah, you should. I'm just...

Hey, it's true.

I'm just saying. It's a whole different ballgame down there.

You gotta... you gotta know what you're doing.

Okay, you know what? f*ck you.

I hope that he is uncut.

I'm gonna get myself a Mexican fuckbuddy, whether you like it or not.

All right, we need to go.

Actually, hold up.

Oh, come on.

Such a princess.

(sighs) I can't believe this is it.

Do we have time for one last coffee at Philz?

No. No.

Please.

This is the best decision I have ever made, seriously.

But you love it here.

Not anymore.

This whole city is overrun with overrated cupcakes, kimchi tacos.

Plus, I'm gonna be able to get more work done in Oakland.

(metal scraping) Oh.

What was that? What is that?

Because this entire city is to blame for your laziness.

Patrick: It's a little heavy back here.

You don't know what I'm talking about.

I'll be able to get more done without all the distractions.

Oh my God, Dom. I don't think we're gonna make it up this hill.

We're gonna make it. Just relax.

Doesn't seem like we're gonna make it.

Agustin: This whole thing is about Frank and I being open to new experiences, together.

By domesticating?

Agustin: Would you call a three-way an act of domesticity?

Wait, what?

Yeah, that's right. Would you call a three-way an act of domesticity?

Yeah, I heard you.

You guys had a three-way and you didn't even tell me?

Well, I'm telling you now.

See, I told you we'd make it.

Patrick: You had a three-way?!

When did you guys have a three-way?

Dom: Oh sh*t.

Oh my God. Oh my God, slow down.

Put on the brakes!

Hands up in the air!

♪

I don't know. I feel like I could definitely have a three-way, but just with two strangers, not with a boyfriend.

Well, why not?

Because I'd get jealous. Does that make me a prude?

God, help me out, Dom.

Oh, I'm not getting into this conversation again.

You two are never gonna agree.

You just gotta separate the two. You know, sex and intimacy.

Sex is getting your cock sucked or getting your ass licked, but intimacy is something else.

I don't know, getting your ass licked sounds pretty intimate to me.

Oh God, I forgot it was a basement apartment.

It's so dark.

All relationships end up opening in the end, whether you like it or not.

So why not be honest about it, instead of cheating?

Patrick: All of them? I don't think so.

Oh please.

My dad cheated on Mami compulsively.

Frank's parents got divorced.

All of our friends have fooled around.

Okay, but that doesn't mean all.

It just means everyone we know.

Where do you want this?

Oh uh, back here.

I never cheated on Jason.

You didn't have time.

(chuckles) So you think he's right?

People usually cheat. Guys are guys.

Guys are guys.

Okay, so does that mean that you and Frank are in an open relationship now?

Or you're just doing three-ways?

We're trying new things. We'll see what happens.

All right, what if Frank got done up the butt by 20 hot muscle bears?

You'd be okay with that?

Yeah.

Really?

What if he's covered in their cum, and he loves every second of it, more than he ever does with you... (laughs) like it's the best sex... I'm serious... like it's the best sex that he's ever had?

I would be fine.

You're so annoying. (laughs)

And Frank is really okay with all this?

Yeah, he is.

Oh, I forgot about this guy.

(laughter)

Where's he gonna go?

He's gonna go in the fireplace, and I'm gonna burn him.

(laughs)

Oh God. I can't believe this is it.

Is it weird I feel weird saying goodbye?

(car door closes)

(car starts)

Listen, I just wanted to say thank you for being a friend.

Traveled down the road and back again...

Your heart is true.

You're a pal and a confidante.

(chuckles softly) And if you threw a party...

Will you ladies please just finger f*ck each other already, so we can get out of here?

You know what? Cool your jets.

Get in the car, Rose.

(sighs) Mm.

Daddy's in a mood.

He is.

Bye.

Bye.

Patrick: Enjoy Oakland.

(man shouting)

I give it three months.

I give it five, maybe six.

When it all turns to sh*t, I'm not moving that fucker again.

(laughs)

I'm way too old.

I hear you.

♪

Why are you so grumpy today?

I'm okay.

You seem a little more pissy than usual.

What time is it?

12:23.

(sighs)

♪

(sighs deeply)

(rattling)

Can I just get a drip, please?

Thank you.

Hello, Dominic.

Hey. Wow.

(both exhale)

Do you want something? Coffee?

No, I'm, uh... (inhales sharply) gosh, it has been a long time.

I don't do caffeine anymore. But I'll have a Refresh.

Okay, sure. Um...

What is that you're eating?

Oh, this is a Protein Box.

Looks good.

Do you want one?

Yes, please.

Okay, can we, uh, get a Refresh, please?

You haven't changed.

I doubt that.

I thought that you would, but somehow you haven't.

(exhales)

So things are good then?

Yes, really good. Really good.

Everyone talks about the slow recovery, but the market here is through the roof.

So that's good for us.

That's... that's great.

And we've got an office opening in the city, so I'm up from LA to oversee the setup, which is...

I don't ever remember you wanting to get into real estate.

(chuckles)

Oh yeah, I wasn't, uh... wasn't into much back then, was I?

I mean, apart from... f*cking things up.

Well, you know, I'm pleased that you've, uh, figured things out.

I'm really glad that you called.

I've been thinking about you for a long time.

(inhales)

(exhales deeply) Here it goes.

You don't have to...

No, I do.

I am so sorry that I made your life a whole sack of sh*t.

I'm sorry that I took advantage of you and treated you like an assh*le when you weren't at all.

You don't... you don't have to...

No, I have to say it.

(chuckles weakly)

I've grown.

I've... I've let myself be vulnerable.

I'm a better person now.

And it would make me very happy if we could start again.

I really want us to be friends.

(laughs)

(exhales deeply)

(laughs)

I thought that went really well.

I mean, it did, didn't it?

So tell me about you.

The last time we spoke, which was eight years ago, you were waiting tables at Zuni and... and... wanting to put a b*mb in the basement. Oof.

So what are you up to now?

(inhales sharply)

♪

Oh man, I love this.

I'm gonna put it by the front door, so everyone can see it.

And out of all the things I've done, that's what you wanna put up?

What do you mean? It's cute; I love it.

Look at this guy.

Mm-hmm.

Oh my God. That is amazing.

Right?

So, can we?

No.

Why?

I did it when I was 17. It's super ugly.

No, it's not. It's a unicorn with a cock inside.

It's f*ckin' awesome.

Please.

Nope.

Pretty please?

You can kiss me all you want, I'm not gonna put it up.

I like it.

♪

(inhales sharply)

(sighs)

(knocking on door)

Well, that was fast.

I'm feeling horny as hell.

(laughs) Okay then, come in.

How old are you again?

28. Your apartment is super nice.

Do you live by yourself?

No. Down here.

Are you alone, though?

You don't have any kids or anything, do you?

What? No. Jesus.

The last person I Grindr'd had kids staying in the room next door.

So weird.

Oh sh*t. Oh, I love your view.

It's so much better than mine.

I'm like five floors down.

You live in the same building?

I can't see anything but dumpsters.

Do you have a spare room?

You're not moving in.

Yeah, that would be crazy, wouldn't it?

(both panting)

Oh, yeah yeah.

(both moaning)

Oh f*ck.

Hello.

Hi.

You look good.

So do you.

Thanks.

You're not wearing your hat.

(chuckles) No.

Go Giants! (both laugh)

You want me to go back and put it on?

No no. No no no.

I can do that.

No, I don't want you to go.

You sure?

Yeah, you look great...

Thank you.

Without the hat.

Should we go in?

Sure. Is this it?

Yeah, I hope this was an okay place to choose.

I heard good things about it, but I've never been.

Richie: Let's go check it out.

So I have three sisters and a brother.

Okay. Awesome.

And lots of nieces and nephews, and like 100 cousins.

And are they all... they all are from, like, uh, here?

San Francisco?

Sure.

Uh, well, no. Some of them are from, uh... south of the city, some are in San Jose.

I have some family in Texas and Mexico.

Mexico, nice. I've never been to Mexico.

No?

Yeah. I've always really wanted to go.

I've been to Cabo, though. Does that count?

Oh.

(inhales sharply) Not really, no.

No? (both laugh)

How about your family? Are you gonna tell me about them?

We wouldn't wanna talk about my family.

It's not very sexy. What's this?

(chuckles) What's this?

Is that Jesus?

Uh, yeah, that's Jesus. It's Mary on the other side.

Oh wow.

You like it?

Yeah. Yeah, I didn't know it was religiousy when... yeah, it's cool.

♪

Cheers. Two more beers.

(both chuckle)

I'm gonna get you drunk tonight.

Oh yeah?

Yeah, it's gonna happen. Cheers.

I love this song. I don't know...

Mm.

I don't know who it is, but I love that b*at.

So... (clears throat) anyway, what I was saying was that people like getting their haircuts, right?

Mmm, I love it.

You get to hear their stories, and learn about their lives, right?

So nice. Yeah.

I like that.

You can learn a lot about a person in 30 minutes. It's amazing.

30 minutes is a quick haircut.

(chuckles) Maybe Latin hair is easier to cut.

Why is that?

(both laugh)

Ay, chiquito. You're a funny guy.

You're a funny guy.

Oh, I'm sorry. I messed up your...

(sighs, clears throat)

Maybe we should go somewhere else.

Uh, I mean, we could stay here if you want, but, uh...

Or, uh... we could just go back to my place.

Maybe let's go somewhere else first.

Yeah, that's a... that's a good... mm-hmm.

Why is he taking a shower?

What did you do to him? (Dom laughs)

Am I gonna have to buy Clorox again?

(laughs) No.

Alex: ♪ I'll try defying gravity...

(laughs)

Oh my f*cking God. Oh my God.

Did you f*ck the pain away with the cast of "Wicked"?

(laughs)

There's a flying monkey boy in my shower. Oh my God, I love him.

Oh no, I think I really do love him.

Stop it.

(door closes)

He's so teeny. Teeny tiny little gumdrop.

I hope that egg makes you puke.

(laughs) I... I actually hope it does too.

(sighs)

God, I'm such a cliché.

You mean how you dress? It's not that bad.

Thinking that sex will make me feel better.

I mean, it does, but still.

Mm. Listen, I get why you called Ethan.

I totally do, and I get why you went to go see him.

I understand it's your process, but oh my God!

I so wish I had been there, so I could neck-punch that dude.

You'd hate him even more. He's become so LA.

He drinks Refresh tea.

Okay, somebody's gonna get another neck punch.

That is so annoying to me.

Especially if he orders it as "Refresh."

No, he made me order it.

So, uh, did you ask for the money back? (sighs deeply)

No.

Why not?

I paid for his f*cking Protein Box, too.

Oh God.

That it depressing.

My dirty sock make you feel better if I go like that?

Fucker.

(men chattering)

♪

You know, it's like, my friends think I'm this, like, boy from Colorado that just is fresh off the bus.

Oh, you're from Colorado?

But I'm not. I'm not that guy.

I like... I have had sex before, you know?

Like, I can... I can do it.

I will do it.

Okay.

I could... I could do it right now in the toilet.

You wanna dance? Maybe we should dance.

Really?

Yeah! I love this place.

Can I... can I buy you a sh*t?

♪

Patrick: All right, thank you.

What's this, a tattoo?

Yeah, mamita.

Dude, that's my grandmother's name!

Really?

Cheers! To Dolores!

Whoa!

All right, let's dance. You ready to dance?

Here we go, here we go.

We're dancing (Agustin and Frank laughing) ...bigger and I'm stronger.

I will always...

Bigger, yes.

Okay, you need to sashay away.

Next!

Oh, I'm gonna have the last slice.

Hey, we should go out more now that I live here.

Oh, you wanna go out?

No, I'm just saying, you know, I'm excited to be in Oakland.

Hey, we can go out. We can go to a club.

Tara's band is playing tonight. You wanna do that?

(exhales)

I mean, we can just stay in sometimes, you know?

I know.

If you want, we could just check in someplace cool on Facebook so your city friends know that you're not dead.

(laughs)

Let's stay in.

Man: Come back when you've f*cked off some of this baby fat. (both laughing)

♪

This is it. This is my home sweet home.

Come on in. Wow.

My roommate actually just moved out today, which is super good, because I've been, uh...

I've been needing my own space. So...

It's nice.

Yeah, we came here, um, right after college eight years ago, which was like... well, it was eight years ago. (chuckles)

Um, this is Agustin's old room, currently unoccupied.

And this room is my room.

Which, um, we...

Do you wanna go in there?

Yeah.

Or I could also cook something.

Uh, I could do my ultimate mac and cheese, which is my mom's recipe.

And it's really really delicious if you're feeling hungry.

I don't know. I have work in the morning. I shouldn't stay out late.

Okay, yeah.

Ooh oh, I'm sorry.

Here. We could go in here, right?

Mm-hmm.

(sighs)

Hi.

Hi.

(sighs)

Shall we?

Uh, I'm still with my clients.

It's fine. It won't take long.

Okay.

(both exhale)

What's on your mind?

I wanna thank you for meeting me today.

Okay.

It really helped me... realize something.

I'm so glad.

I thought about you a lot over the years.

I thought about you, too.

Just stop. It's my turn to talk now.

All right?

Okay.

The thing I realized... is that you didn't deserve any of that time, not a single f*cking minute.

And I'm just pissed that I didn't get that before.

Can we not do this here?

My clients are...

I'm sorry. It won't take long.

I really don't have anything else to say, except I want my 8,000 back with 10 years of interest.

Excuse me?

And what I paid for the peppermint f*cking tea and the protein box.

Are you f*cking with me?

No, I'm not f*cking with you. I gave you that money... and it was a lot of money to me back then.

And I had plans and you know that.

Right, your plans. You do know that it takes more than $8,000 to open a restaurant, right?

Oh, f*ck you. That's not important.

And you didn't lend me that money, you gave it to me to get sober, and I'm grateful for that.

Are you?

But you made that choice, didn't you?

You did.

(chuckles)

You really still are an assh*le.

You know you can... you can think of me whatever you want, and I can't change that.

But you can't blame me, you can only blame yourself.

That's what I've learned on my journey, and I wish you the best on yours, okay?

Hey hey hey. You f*ck your journey, and your wish can suck my d*ck.

Shh.

(whispers) I'm sorry.

He'll screw you over, you know?

Once a meth-head m*therf*cker, always a meth-head m*therf*cker.

(sighs)

Oh, f*cking belt.

(chuckles) Jesus, m*therf*cker.

(moans)

Okay, these pants are coming off.

God, you wear tight jeans. m*therf*cker!

(laughs) Jesus Christ!

Oh...

What? What? You can't just say "Oh," and then say nothing.

It's nothing, it's nothing.

I just... no.

(both chuckle) What?

What? You just what?

Nothing. I just thought that...

What's the matter?

I just thought that, you know, maybe you might be uncut.

Okay.

Yeah.

You sound disappointed.

I'm a little disappointed.

I'm completely kidding. (laughs)

I'm a sucker for cleanliness, so this is actually much better.

Wow, man.

What?

You got me trippin'.

Trippin'? No, don't trip.

This is weird.

No no no! Listen, it's just my stupid friends.

And the internet.

What?

They made me look at pictures on the internet.

You know, but it's not a big deal.

I think...

Yeah?

Uh...

What?

Yeah, I'm gonna go.

No.

No, are... are you serious?

Yeah, I think we're looking for different things.

It's no big deal. It's cool.

Don't worry about it, don't sweat it.

(cellphone vibrating)

Hello?

Okay, so that didn't go well.

Agustin: Well, what did you do?

Well, everything was going fine until...

I acted like all I wanted to do was suck on his uncut cock, which, it turns out, he doesn't even actually have.

(Agustin sighs)

I think I may be a r*cist as well.

Agustin: Oh sh*t. That's not good at all.

Mm, it's terrible. I don't know what the f*ck is wrong with me.

It's like... he's a really good guy, but we get together, and I just start acting like a f*ckin' crazy person.

(Agustin laughs)

(mocks laughter)

Agustin: No no no, okay okay, I'm sorry.

I don't mean to laugh at you, sorry.

No, that's okay.

Oh, thanks for the, uh... thanks for the graffiti on my wall, by the way.

Agustin: Well, it's the end of an era.

(laughs)

It is. It really is.

I really like it. I think I'm gonna keep it.

Agustin: Good good, man. I'm glad.

I meant it.

I know you did.

Agustin: What are you eating?

Hmm?

Agustin: You're eating something weird. What is that?

I'm just having a salad.

Kale salad.

With chicken.

♪