01x09 - Apartment Hunters

[bunniefuu]

Start it.

♪ Zombie on the track ♪
♪ Started from the bottom now we're here ♪
♪ Started from the bottom now my whole team here ♪
♪ Started from the bottom now we're here ♪
♪ Started from the bottom now the whole team here ♪
♪ Started from the bottom now we're here ♪
♪ Started from the bottom now my whole team here ♪
♪ Started from the bottom now we're here ♪
♪ Started from the bottom now the whole team here ♪
♪ I done kept it real from the jump ♪
♪ Livin' at my mama's house we'd argue every mornin' ♪
♪ I was tryin' to get it on my own ♪
♪ Workin' all night traffic on the way home ♪
♪ And my uncle callin' me like "Where you at? ♪
♪ I gave you the keys told you bring it right back" ♪
♪ I just think it's funny how it goes ♪
♪ Now I'm on the road half a million for a show ♪
♪ Started from the bottom now we're here ♪
♪ Started from the bottom now my whole team here ♪
♪ Started from the bottom now we're here ♪
♪ Started from the bottom now the whole team here ♪
♪ Start, started from the bottom now we're here ♪
♪ Started from the bottom now the whole team here ♪
♪ Started from the bottom now we're here... ♪

Ma'am... Ma'am... Ma'am...

Ma'am!

You didn't sign the back of the check.

I'm sorry. Uh, you know, I wasn't sure if there was a special teller I should go to for checks that are this large?

Ooh, 8K, unh!

You know how she got it, dude?

This bitch right here drew this illustration, and a sexy-ass new dating web site bought it for $8,000!

"An alert from your bank"?

What?

No.

This illustration.

Hey, came from her heart.

Great-- so do you want this in cash?

No, I want it in my savings account.

For somebody who works at the bank, ♪ I thought you'd be more responsible with money ♪

Ludacris.

I also have some business with the bank.

I'd like to cash these nickels, and I'll have them in quarters, please.

Thank you so much.

♪ Four and three and two and one-- one ♪

Abbi, you're home.

What's going on?

Nothing, just, uh... straightening up in the living room.

You know, I was gonna fold this, heh.

This is a mess.

Body Butter!

Lap pillow!

Julianna Margulies!

You were jerking off.

In the communal space!

You don't even live here!

I wasn't even touching my wiener yet.

I was still just doing butt stuff.

Ew! What?

Okay.

I was "jerking off."

And to Julianna Margulies.

Bevers, I swear to God that better be "E.R."

It's... "Good Wife."

You have a way of tainting everything I love.

Taint?

Don't.

I'm done. I'm moving out.

I am moving the (bleep) out!

You know why? 'Cause I have money now.

I got money now!

'Cause I'm a boss.

'Cause I'm a badass boss!

Yeah, see how it goes.

You see how it goes!

Sorry.

"Operator."

I heard "Oppertimer."

Op-er-a-tor.

Oppenheimer.

Thank you so much for coming with me.

I can't live in this apartment for another second.

Human being!

Huge feelings.

What's happening here?

I cancelled my cable nine months ago.

They are still charging me, and I'm getting an overdraft fee every day.

Did you return your cable box?

Yeah, you came with me, remember?

That old lady spit on you in line.

Oh, right. That was...

Human being!

Human being.

Cumin braiding.

Where is this broker?

Just, I wanna move out immediately.

Hi, girls. It's me, Pam.

HI...

Oh-- Oh...

Hi.

Hi. Hi.

I'm Abbi. We spoke on the phone.

Don't shake my hand, it was just down my pants.

Let's find you your dream apartment, shall we?

Yeah. Let's go here.

Beautiful day.

Well, what do you think?

It's a hallway.

It is a beautiful railroad-style apartment in your budget.

Where's the bathroom?

Where isn't the bathroom?

Jeez, wear a catheter, go in the corner.

You can fit a king size bed in here.

Yeah, if you fold it up like a taco.

God, why am I so turned on right now?

Ew, Pam, this place is horrible.

Let's just move on.

Look, don't bully me, all right-- I can't take it!

I was cyberbullied within an inch of my life last night.

I make dolls out of human hair.

Who's thirsty?

God, I hope there's not another speed bump.

I've got 18 stitches down there in my Susie.

You know, the doctor said they'd disintegrate, but they haven't.

Maybe I should get 'em yanked out.

Maybe I can yank 'em out.

You got any tweezers on ya?

You know, I don't. I'm sorry.

They're k*lling me.

Oh well. Can't let it get me down.

God, I love this car.

It's so little, you know, you can basically park it anywhere.

Thank you for holding.

You are no longer on pre-hold.

You are on actual hold.

It's so fun to drive one so small.

"Pre-hold"?

Pre-hold-- really?

I heard "pre-hold."

You are now being placed back on pre-hold.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no-- hello?

And we are here!

This place is terrific!

It's a prewar building built right after the Iraq w*r.

How's that mattress treatin' ya?

I can't sleep like this. I feel like I'm in a coffin.

I slept in a coffin once.

It wasn't that bad, except for the body.

Let's go!

Ilana, I'm gonna get out first.

And then you come, okay?

Oh! Damn!

Dude! (Bleep)

Let's hustle!

Your hand's on my ass.

I'm like--

I'm like-- I'm on the ladder.

I got-- I got this. I'm cool.

Thank you for holding.

(Bleep) you, robot!

Come on, let's hurry up.

I gotta get home and feed my Oscar fish.

Are we just leaving it?

Let's see... oh.

Hey, you guys know that television show "Friends"?

Yes.

Oh, my God.

It's a great show, right?

Here's this place.

Welcome to Ideal Media. You are next in line.

Hello? Hello?

But it is no guarantee.

Hi--

Hel-- I'll be right in.

Hello, how can I help you?

Oh-- oh my goodness.

Are you a human being?

Hello?

Yes, I am. How can I help you?

Oh...

The good news is, the landlords are gonna repaint, and you get to pick the color.

I would suggest red.

More good news.

The walls are super thick.

Listen.

Help!

Please call the police!

They tied me up!

I think they're Filipino!

They took my baby!

You're still being charged because you returned the cable box, but not the remote.

So I'm being charged $100 a month for a remote control?

I have no idea where that is.

Well, you're gonna have to track it down or you'll keep being charged... forever.

See?

You could scream all night long, neighbor won't even hear a thing.

This isn't working for me.

I'm gonna go on Craigslist.

No, please, I really need the money.

They're gonna break my legs!

I'm sorry, I just gotta do this on my own.

Wait... no!

Nooooo...

The walls are really thick.

Can't find this remote.

And I don't understand this, Ilana.

It's like you have a thousand socks, but no underwear in the underwears drawer.

You don't have to tell me.

I don't know where my underwear goes.

That's why I'm always going commando.

Oh, is this it?

No.

That's my old dictaphone from high school.

Is a d*ck phone?

Dic-ta-phone.

Oh, I was...

"Hello? Hello, d*ck."

Great idea number nine.

It's like Facebook, but just for photos.

I guess it could be videos, too, but mostly photos.

Ilana, you invented the Instagram.

That's insane.

I bet I was high the last time I had my remote.

Like, for sure!

Yeah, yeah.

Like, certainly.

Certainly, yes.

Maybe if I get high again I'll remember where I put it.

Aren't you already high?

I-- I mean, like, more high.

Is "higher." "Highest."

Last year, Brooklyn.

My old apartment on Flatbush.

Living room... couch.

Sex on the couch.

Bad sex. Really bad sex.

The worst sex.

Dale!

Eww...

Dale.

Thank you so much for coming with me again.

Ilana can't find her remote, so--

Also, I'm terrified of Craigslist.

If it ever gets weird, I'll get you out of there.

I don't want you moving in with a Craigslist k*ller.

So scary.

That dude just posted for women, and then just kills them.

Or do you think he has sex with them and then kills them?

Or did he k*ll them, then have sex with them?

You're both right.

Oh, sorry, this is Mark.

Please, enter me.

I mean, please, enter me.

Please enter and come on up.

All right.

Ilana?

Hey, Dale.

How are you?

I'm good, I'm good.

Me, too.

Uh, okay, so listen.

Um, this is kind of an awkward conversation to have, But do you have...

Herpes?

Yeah, all over.

What? I have herpes?

That's not what I was calling about.

Yeah, me neither.

I thought you were someone else.

Okay...

Look, I was calling to ask if you have my cable remote.

Uh, yeah, I--

I guess it might be around here somewhere.

Okay, well, I need it.

Why don't you come over?

I'll make my encrusted salmon.

Ew, no, just meet me in a public place.

What about that Italian restaurant where our souls merged?

Our souls never merged dude.

Yeah, I know.

Jesus.

Let's uh-- Let's meet at Washington Square Park.

Like, 5:00?

I'll be there.

Yikes.

The room is available now.

So this is the living room.

Oh, man!

Look how high these ceilings are.

Check out this crown molding right there.

That's priceless.

Whoa.

Oh, there's a massage table.

Yeah, I'm taking classes at the Swedish Institute.

Cool. Yeah.

If you let me practice on you, I could knock a few dollars off the rent.

Abbi, you gotta check out the sink.

It's so deep, you could wash a baby in there.

I have.

Okay.

So what's your shoe size?

Nine.

Hmm. Men's or women's?

Hey, Lincoln, did you hear that cool question?

Lincoln?

Abbi, check it out.

There's another room in here!

This place is crazy!

Okay, we gotta get out of here.

Why?

We're leaving.

Why?

We have to--

Ah!

I see you found my breakfast nook.

Yeah, man.

It's a cool-ass, big-ass nook.

The one bathroom is in there.

But it's pretty much your private bathroom.

I almost never go.

Except when I do go, I really go.

It's a major problem.

You'll have to stay in a hotel for a couple days.

I'll pay for it, of course.

Lincoln, you wanna... help me?

Oh, yeah.

Sorry, Abbi, sorry.

It's okay.

What hotel?

Holiday Inn Express?

She'll take it.

No.

Thank you so much. Lovely place.

Come on, we're leaving.

Ilana!

Oh... God...

Hey.

Here. Dale-- These are for you.

"It's a boy"?

It's all they had left at Key Foods.

Okay... Okay...

Okay, please... All right.

Ilana, listen.

You don't have to pretend anymore.

I know why you left that remote.

You want to get back together.

And I'm in.

Dale, we were never together!

We were roommates who had sex a small handful of times because the train wasn't running to Manhattan on the weekends.

Say the word, and I'll leave my fiancèe.

You're engaged?

And you brought her? What is wrong with you?

Just say you'll give us a sh*t, and I'll give the driver a signal, and he will take her straight to Newark airport.

Give me the remote.

Come on.

Thanks for the balloons.

Please don't tell Amanda I told you I'd leave her.

Please don't tell her I bought her a one-way ticket to Santa Fe.

What? Please don't tell her I have herpes!

Do I or do I not have herpes?

I do, you don't.

Oh, God!

I want to read so many of this books.

This is unreal.

I can't believe I can get a room in Manhattan for 900 bucks a month.

See, I told you you'd find something.

This place is perfect.

Hey, if she doesn't get the room, I might.

No, I'm taking it.

Stop.

Well, we go to Priya's mom's beach house most weekends, so you'll have the place to yourself a lot.

Wow. We make dinner every night, and our sex is on the quiet side.

Yeah, so is mine, with myself, right?

Yeah!

I think I speak for Priya when I say we would love to have you as a roommate.

Yes, that would be awesome.

Do I dare say we toast?

I double dare ya!

Let's do it.

Thank you.

To built-ins, countertops you can chop right on, and toilets with two flush buttons-- cheers.

Yeah.

♪ SelectDate, SelectDate Oh, wait, this is the commercial.

This is the illustration I was telling you guys about.

Man, this is so cool.

I did this.

Jack?

On a date with someone who isn't your type?

They're just not like you.

What does he mean, "not like you"?

But with SelectDate, you get to choose from the cream of the crop.

Because we only deal with the cream.

For whites who are single and ready to mingle.

Oh... SelectDate, the final solution to your dating problems.

What the (bleep), Abbi?

No, no, that is not--

I wouldn't ever do something like that.

'Cause I--

I just drew happy couples.

Like, 'cause I love couples. I love people.

I just love people. Like, I love, like--

I love all races.

"Races," not "racists."

You guys are-- I wouldn't--

And it's a--

It's probably not national.

It's just like, um-- Probably it's just--

I'm so sorry.

I don't know her that well.

I'm just-- I'm bonin' her friend, and so I just hang out with her.

You know how you gotta hang out with your girl's friends?

Hmm.

No, this is the wrong remote.

What must I do?

What do you want from me?

Look, lady, this is the wrong remote, and this is the right remote.

Okay, you gotta get the right remote.

I had to find out I may or may not have herpes to get this remote!

Can I speak to your manager, please?

Oh, I am the manager.

I also do billing, installation programming, and I compose the "on hold" music.

You composed this music?

Oh, no, no, this is the "waiting room" music.

I compose that too.

I'm actually the only person who works here.

Yikes.

Okay, what are my options?

You can either mail in a check for $1,000, or come in person and pay $5.

You're only the fifth person ever to come in.

Oh...

Here.

I can pay in quarters, right?

Oh, actually, no. Our system's down and we only take nickels.

Sorry.

Oh, and you know what? I hate your music.

So do I.

Oh, my God.

Hey, Abidab, I really wanted to apologize for last night.

We don't need to get into it.

Well, I did make you these bagel bites.

I put 'em in the shape of an "A" because I know how you like to label your food.

Listen, when you came in last night, and-- and I was touching myself...

Can we please not?

So... Well, let me just-- I really want to explain.

See, I was pleasuring myself.

I don't need to--

I like to start off slow, okay.

And then I like to work the tempo up and up and up.

And I'll-- I'll lick a thumb...

Seriously, I-- This is--

...and then sort of brush it lightly against the nipples.

Why are we going over this?

And then, there's a-- There's a--

You know, in the (bleep), or whatever you call it, there's a sort of a (bleep) there.

I like to apply pressure to that slowly.

And then right when I'm (bleep), I (bleep), then I (bleep) into the (bleep), hard, hard, hard.

And then I (bleep), and it just--

You know, it-- it-- it--

It's a very powerful feeling.

Whoa, cool shirt.

You don't need tell me Sour Patch Kids are good, I know Sour Patch Kids are good.

Oh, Lincoln, I don't have herpes, and neither do you-- that's all.

Ilana, there is a child right here.

Please. We're in New York.

And you're, like, 12, right?

I'm seven, and you're being inappropriate.

Bitch, you're 22.

Okay, listen, your dentist and I, um, have been having... sexual intercourse on the regular for about five months--

Ilana, it's been a year and a half!

For real?

18 months.

God.

Don't do dr*gs.

That's-- That's the takeaway.

Don't do dr*gs.

It's like I have no memories, man.

I can't remember a thing!

I wake up, I'm like aah!

It's scary.

I just, like, don't know where I am a lot of the time.

I can't find that remote. I-- I--

I'm missing hundreds of pairs of underwear.

Literally hundreds.

You never found the right remote?

No.

But wherever it is, I hope it's happy.