01x06 - The Finger

[bunniefuu]

Ready in five, Voo.

Load us up.

Got it, Cash.

Hi.

Hi... Voo...

Doo?

I mean, Val... do you like Val or Voo?

Or Doo? I like all of 'em.

I never know what to call you.

I like Voodoo, Brian.

Okay, Voo.

Voodoo.

This was fun.

[Phone beeps]

God damn it!

Mama lost the election for President of the Church Altar Committee to Sister Beulah Watkins.

Second year in a row, right?

I keep telling her to join the choir.

That's where all the power is.

Sh...

I'm supposed to go to her house for dinner tomorrow night.

You gotta go with me, man, because if I show up alone, she gonna open up the big bottle of Pinot Grigio and all night it's gonna be like, "that bitch Beulah is messin' up my walk with Jesus."

I would, but I-I can't.

My dad's taking Theresa and I out.

He wants to meet her.

He was pretty adamant about it too.

He called, like, three times to set it up.

I think I finally got a real father-son thing going on here.

Many thanks, buddy.

See? What I tell you?

Let the healing begin.

Brian, do you wanna go to dinner at my mom's house tomorrow?

Don't believe I can, we're gonna be busy. I'm asking Voodoo to dinner.

Italian.

Voodoo?

Um... uh, Bri, Voodoo doesn't really do dinner dates with guys.

She's, um... She not like other girls.

I know. That's why I like her.

Yeah, she's not like other Humans.

I know, she's different.

Yeah, different.

Dark. Very dark.

Very.

How dark?

Like Darth Vader with tits dark.

I love how I never know what she's gonna say next.

I know exactly what she's not gonna say next, which is "Brian, I'm never, ever having sex with you."

She's asexual.

Mm-hmm.

Meaning?

She doesn't have sex.

With?

Anyone.

Never?

Both: Uh uh.

Seriously?

Yeah, look, I don't have the imagination to make up a sexual pathology that strange and that boring.

Maybe she just hasn't met the right guy yet.

Well, she met Johnny Depp outside of Gibson's steakhouse last year.

And?

She said he looked clammy.

[Breathing like Darth Vader]

Kiss me, Brian.

[Both breathing like Darth Vader]

Kiss me, Brian.

I am you father.

Stop.

Both: You try it on.

[Immitates lightsaber]

Ambulance needed.

3141 West Chase.

Oh, that's Harriet. Get that sh*t.

Ambulance 14 responding!

Both: Oh!

Yes.

Sweet Harriet.

[Chuckles] God damn you, Hank.

Too late.

Hey, we got dibs on the next call.

Son of a...

[Sirens blare]

Who's Harriet?

Oh.

[Chuckles]

Harriet is the world's best frequent flyer.

Cool.

Mm-hmm.

I have no idea what that is.

[Chuckles]

Look, a frequent flyer is somebody who calls the ambulance all the time.

Yeah, they're usually hypochondriacs or dudes who want free dr*gs, or old people who just need a free ride to the doctor.

Part of the job, but Harriet is the one who makes 'em all worthwhile.

She is the Michael Jeffrey Jordan of frequent flyers.

Always a friendly smile, never a serious ailment, and always a fresh baked batch of cookies waiting on us.

I haven't been to mass in over a year, but if these cookies were communion wafers, I'd become a Jesuit.

Oh, these cookies will make you lose your sh*t You gonna lose your sh*t, Brian.

[Funky music]

♪ ♪

I hate to trouble you boys, but I just can't get comfortable.

You have nothing to apologize for, Harriet.

It's that doctor who put in that hip replacement.

He's the one should apologize.

Now, stop that.

I won't hear a word said against Dr. Kaplan.

Oh.

Your chariot is ready, ma'am.

[Chuckles] I like this one.

Well, this one likes that one too.

I don't see why I have to go to the doctor.

You boys have made me feel better already.

Well, we'll take you anyway, as long as we're here.

[Bell dings]

Oh, is that the oven?

Are you cooking something?

I thought I smelled something when we came in here.

It smells so-

Oh, you.

Henry.

Hmm?

Would you be so kind as to take the cookies out for me?

Yes, ma'am.

He's probably gonna need an extra set of hands. [Chuckles]

Harriet's chariot.

[Both chuckle]

Harriet... excuse me.

Mmm.

Damn you, Harriet.

Mmm!

You did it again, you Devil, you.

You. You know what you did.

Look at her. She knows what she did.

Mm-hmm.

Holy sh*t.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

These are unbelievable.

I've never heard him curse before.

You have outdone yourself.

Uh, Mrs. Fields, your services are no longer required.

Who's Mrs. Fields?

All: Exactly!

[Laughs]

We got dibs on the next Harriet call.

First come, first served, Cash.

You know how it works.

Them's the rules.

Those are the rules. Grammar!

I know what the rules are.

I made the rules.

I'm just asking for a little courtesy.

I'm a decorated veteran of a foreign w*r here.

Ready in three, Voo.

Load us up.

Got it.

Hey, Voo...

Doo.

Hello.

I love that Voodoo that you do so well.

Frank Sinatra.

Okay. See you later.

Asexuality is actually a very interesting phenomenon.

I did some very extensive research last night.

Oh, of course you did.

It's like this whole new movement.

They have a society with a manifesto and everything.

They even have a symbol.

What is it, a limp penis reading an encyclopedia?

[Both laugh]

It's a grey triangle.

Jesus.

What?

I thought the rainbow was bad.

Oh.

You want my honest opinion?

Wow.

You dodged a b*llet, Bri.

Yeah, yeah, Voodoo's crazy.

Even if she was sexual, you'd probably wind up tied up in a dungeon with an old Pantera T-shirt stuffed in your mouth.

[Both laugh]

Chicago North.

Ambulance requested.

3906 West Byron.

Ambulance 14 responding.

I'm not giving up on this, 'cause I tell you, guys.

Whenever I'm around her, I get butterflies in my stomach.

Those aren't butterflies, Brian.

That's the very real fear that your body parts will be found in several pieces of antique luggage.

[Laughs]

Climb into the suitcase, Brian.

Well, the force is strong with this one.

[Laughs]

What?

You're such a dork.

Geek.

Well, you guys were the one doing the Star Wars thing.

We're making fun of it.

We're making fun of Star Wars.

Why would you make fun of it?

It's an amazing trilogy.

Gonna need to stop that bleeding.

Find the digit, Bri.

I'm on it.

Let me ask you a question.

You ever seen this many birdhouses?

Does this look sane to you?

They're gifts, Irene.

Gifts mean something more when they're made personal.

The all look the same.

It's my brand.

People do appreciate a homemade gift.

No one wants a birdhouse.

Birds want them, Irene! Birds!

Oop, I found it.

Hey.

Can't make any guarantees, but they might be able to reattach it.

We're gonna do our best to get you back in the workshop as soon as possible.

You think a missing finger is gonna stop this lunatic?

He already lost one on the other hand.

Nice.

It's a compulsion, Don.

He's got some kind of disorder.

You guys want a birdhouse?

Oh, my God, I was afraid to ask.

They're so beautiful, sir.

Thank you very much.

Take as many as you like.

Don't indulge him, but, yes, please take a birdhouse, all of you.

And tell all your friends.

I make 'em custom.

You're delusional, don.

I'll grab the insurance card and be right behind you.

Which hospital are you taking him to?

Uh, holy ascension is the closest.

Take him to Streeterville.

They did a nice job of sewing him up with the last one.

Will do.

God, I love that son of a bitch.

All right, how many birdhouses everybody want?

Two?

Two.

Two each?

I'll take six.

Second thought, I'd like to pick mine out.

Can you imagine how much time you'd save if you never had sex?

Yes.

What would you do with it?

Well, I'd try to channel my thoughts.

I'd think about how lucky we are to live in this great country of ours, and about my parents and world peace, and all the poor and impoverished people out there.

You?

Pretty much the same thing.

Minus the parents and the world peace...

And the... what was the first thing?

[Laughs]

So you just think about sex all day long?

Not while I'm eating.

Oh, that's a lie.

I just thought about Rosario Dawson's ass.

Mm. Why?

Why not?

Ambulance needed.

3141 West Chase.

Ooh! Ambulance 14 responding!

That's Harriet.

Ambulance 14 responding!

That's Harriet!

God damn you guys!

Do you guys wanna take this one?

Every time.

Maybe you should...

I'm just kidding.

You better bring me back some cookies!

Guess we all knew some day this call would come.

Yeah.

It's weird, but for some reason I thought she'd outlive us all.

At least she didn't suffer.

Well, I'll call the coroner.

You guys start cleaning up.

Hold up.

Slow down.

Let's just take a moment to say good-bye to our friend.

Good-bye, Harriet.

Good-bye.

Glad I got to meet you.

She was a good person.

Greatest generation.

[Bell dings]

I'll get the cookies, you get the milk, you call the coroner.

Got it.

We're eating the cookies?

Of course we are.

They're the last thing that she made on earth.

It would be disrespectful not to.

Okay, but we should probably save some for the other guys in the depot.

Well, yeah, obviously.

Of course.

We're not animals.

I mean, Cash pretty much insisted.

Both: Who do you think we are?

So you ate all the cookies?

I'm sorry.

All the g*dd*mn cookies?

We tried.

We did.

We tried so hard.

I didn't try.

None of us tried.

You licked the plate.

You know the deal.

You get the call, you get the cookies.

That is the deal.

But those were the last cookies!

They better not have been snickerdoodles.

If they were snickerdoodles, lie to me.

They weren't snickerdoodles.

Oh, my God, you're k*lling me.

Cash, I'm sorry we ate all the cookies, man.

But let me make amends by taking you to the best homemade dinner you ever had.

Your mom doing the cooking?

Yep.

She's crazy, right?

She not crazy... per se.

Crazy's a good thing in the kitchen.

My ex was badshit in the bedroom, but in the kitchen she was Irish.

Of all the white people to take after when it comes to food.

Boiled meat, boiled potatoes.

Couldn't taste a damn thing except for the whiskey.

Than God almighty for the whiskey.

Am I gonna need whiskey tonight?

Hell no.

I'm in.

All right.

So, I hear you met Johnny depp.

Yep.

I'm a big Pirates Of The Caribbean fan.

Got my fingers crossed for number five.

What, uh... What was he like?

He had on more eye makeup than my mom wears and seven scarves.

Seven scarves.

And six earrings and he smelled like vanilla.

I like men who look and dress and smell like men.

So, uh, I di some reading on asexuality.

Did you know that the symbol of asexuality is the grey triangle?

I'm just asexual, Brian.

I don't march in parades or anything.

Are there parades?

I don't know.

You're the one who did the research.

Right.

I'm actually kind of asexual.

I'm celibate.

Oh, you are?

For how long?

Since me and my last girlfriend broke up.

Oh, see that's the difference between us.

You can't get laid.

I don't want to.

Oh, yeah, I'm sure guys are always hitting on you.

No, they don't.

I give off a very distinct vibe.

Which is?

Don't hit on me or I will k*ll you.

Oh, thank God.

I was worried that it was just me.

Listen, maybe it's... you know, this thing is... Is just a phase.

It isn't just a phase.

Oh, I know you don't think it is.

I, for instance, for years and years thought I didn't like olives.

Then one day I tried one.

Now I think olives are tremendous.

I love olives.

[Sniffs]

Yep.

You smell... so bad.

Sorry.

Long day on the rig.

No, it's good.

I like it.

Yeah?

But I don't like sex.

Mm.

And do you know what I hate even more than sex?

Scarves?

Talking about how I don't like it.

You seem like a nice guy, Brian.

And if you wanna be friends, I'm cool with it.

But sex? Blech.

Not gonna happen.

Okay.

No sex.

Awesome.

Hey, you must be Theresa.

Hi.

Oh, my God, you're gorgeous.

Guess we know who dumped who, huh?

[Laughs]

Who's this?

This is my son, Jack.

Jack, this is Theresa and your uncle-brother, Johnny.

Hi, Jack.

I'm sorry, I didn't...

He's my son with coco.

And you gave him the same name as me?

No, his name is Jack, your name is John.

Totally different.

Hi, Uncle-brother Johnny.

Hey... Jack.

Hey, play some Madden now, kiddo.

Attaboy.

Yeah, turn it up really loud, yeah.

All right, here's the deal.

I need you guys to watch the kid for a couple of hours.

What?

Uh...

I got a sure thing at the track.

It's not gonna take long.

Plus it'll be like a dry run for the day when you two have kids.

That's not happening.

Why not?

I...

Um... because I had a dad who never wanted to spend any time with me, who now has another kid he doesn't wanna spend any time with.

He's not a kid. He's your brother.

You always bitched about not having a brother.

I wanted one who was, like, three years younger than me.

Not three g*dd*mn decades.

How old are you, sweetheart?

I'm 27.

Wow.

You don't start having kids soon, your eggs are gonna dry up.

Hey.

It's like he's from the 1950s.

I know.

1948, to be exact.

I the broads nowadays, having kids in their late 30s and 40s, and then they wanna have a career too?

This just in... You can't have both.

Well, this just in: I'm about to kick your dad in the nuts.

Go ahead, darling. Have at it.

'Cause I don't have any nuts left.

I'm a 65-year-old retired firefighter with a 37-year-old wife and a full-time job who lives me at home with a seven-year-old kid.

And look at all the sh*t I'm carrying.

Helmets, elbow pads, knee pads...

I'm sorry, I thought this was going to be different.

Scented g*dd*mn skin wipes.

I'm like a gay freakin' sherpa guide.

When the hell did kids become such pussies?

When I was growing up in Boston...

Dad.

We didn't have video games.

We played outside.

Dad.

All day.

Dad.

He's trying to get your attention.

What?

Just scored a touchdown.

That's nice, son.

He never touched a real football in his life.

His mother says it's too violent.

So he plays soccer with girls in a league where they don't keep score.

At this point, I'm just happy the kid ain't wearing a dress.

Dad, dad, dad, extra point!

Good boy, Jack.

You're a cop, right?

Yeah.

Perfect, I'll just steal your purse, run like a bat out of hell, you sh**t me in the leg.

That way I can sleep for, like, a week and 1/2 in the hospital.

Dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad!

I'm serious.

Yeah, he's got a lot of energy.

You were the exact same way.

Worse even.

Really?

I must have been a giant pain in the ass.

I wouldn't know, I was always at work.

But you put some mileage on your mom though.

God love her. She was always at home.

Being a mom is a full-time job.

Well, I'm not gonna stop being a cop when I have children.

I'm gonna do both.

And no video games for my kids.

Books.

They're gonna learn to read actual books.

You might wanna go the adoption route then.

Pick out a real smart one.

Asians, africans.

Plus the asians are unbelievably neat.

Buddy of mine's got one.

You could eat off the floor in that kid's room.

And the African kids, well, between the marathons and the music you're making money off 'em either way.

Dad, dad, dad, watch this!

Oh, you guys stay here.

I'll be right back.

Where you going?

To the drug store to get some Benadryl.

Knocks him right out.

Only thing that works when he gets like this.

We are not giving that boy Benadryl.

Why, you got something stronger?

Okay, relax.

[Scoffs]

I remember this now.

I know what it was like to be the only child and a boy.

I know what he needs.

Jack, gimme five.

Up high.

Down low. Too slow.

Come here, let's go.

[Laughs]

He's just enjoying dinner, mama.

Well, he just enjoyed a whole bowl full of my potato au gratin.

No, I didn't.

Excuse me?

It's not au gratin if it doesn't have cheese on it.

Are you critiquing my food?

Mama.

No, I'm enjoying your food, I'm just critiquing your terminology.

Don't do that.

Really?

Look, you can cook.

That's obvious.

I'm just trying to save you the embarrassment of calling your dishes by the wrong name.

Is there anything else I should be embarrassed about?

Well, since you asked, that portrait of Jesus on the wall.

[Laughs]

I know you are not about to criticize my lord and savior.

I wouldn't dream of it. Pass the rolls.

But making him black?

That's a bridge too far.

Well, he wasn't white.

He didn't look like Will Smith.

Bethlehem was in...

In the Middle East.

I get it.

But realistically, Jesus looked more like O*ama b*n L*den than the Fresh g*dd*mn Prince of Bel Air.

Mister, you looking for trouble?

Well, trouble is about to arrive.

Oh, sh*t.

I'm just talking about history and art.

Oh, sh*t.

I mean, who painted that crap?

I painted it. And I'll have you to know that my series of black Jesus portrait is so out at the Decatur Arts festival.

Oh, get out of here.

They sell them things down there by the liquor store.

Aw, man.

Hank.

You know, I think this might be a good time to say a prayer... Uh... uh, something.

No, this might be a good time for me to choke his ass out.

Mama... mama, don't choke him out.

You let him say something else to me about my Jesus.

These Greens could use a prayer.

I'm gonna tell you.

Oh.

I'm gonna tell... just a little on the tough side.

Mama, you know...

I'm just sayin'.

He's out.

Your Jack has a good little arm.

I never knew.

His mom won't let him play catch.

She's afraid the ball would hit him in the face.

Jesus, he really loved that pizza.

Yeah.

I'm liking the way that playing with your Jack is looking on my Johnny.

Ah, you wanna have kids, right?

Sure you do, you're a broad.

Sorry. Chick.

Hi.

[Laughs]

All right, let's go. Let's get back going.

Just cooking 101.

If you're gonna fry your own fish, you gotta make sure the oil's hot.

My oil is hot.

If your fish is breaking up in the pan, that oil ain't hot.

My oil is damn hot.

Hot as hell.

Okay, mama, that was great.

Thank you so much, but we... we gotta go.

Come on, Cash.

I have never, ever in my life been spoken to in this manner in my own house.

Jesus is my lord and savior and my Jesus can look any g*dd*mn way I want him to.

Okay, your house, your Jesus, I suppose.

But one thing I do know... And know damn well... is fish.

How to catch 'em, how to cook 'em.

Sh..., I almost caught me a mekong king catfish in Vietnam.

Largest freshwater fish on the planet.

Well, I don't give a damn about no Vietcong catfish-ass bullshit.

Okay, come on, Cash.

Let's... let's let mama rest.

No, you go ahead, man.

I'm... I'm gonna stay a while.

What?

You heard me.

Go on, man. You know what time it is.

I'll be fine.

He's gonna be real fine.

Were we sitting at the same table?

You were.

Now you ain't.

Bye, baby.

Go on, lock the door, pull the shades.

Nice boy.

Mm, would you like some ice cream?

You got some cool whip with that?

[Knocks on door]

Hi.

What are you doing here?

I'm sorry, is this weird?

Yeah.

Good.

'Cause I'm about to make it even weirder.

You don't wanna have sex, and that's fine with me.

'Cause I'm not having sex right now either.

You don't like sex, I happen to love it.

From what I remember, it was pretty awesome... for me.

I can't really speak for everyone else involved.

So forget sex.

I like you.

I think you're funny and different and I never know what you're gonna say.

And obviously I think you're beautiful.

But if we never have sex, that's okay.

'Cause I'm just happy being around you.

So...

Here.

A birdhouse.

Look inside.

Oh, my God.

Is it real?

It belonged to the man who built the birdhouse.

And now it belongs to you.

Holy sh*t!

This used to be on a person?

Yeah.

Brian...

This is one of the absolute nicest things anyone's ever done for me.

If you stare at it long enough it looks like it's beginning to twitch.

Oh, was that too much?

Mm-hmm.

A little bit.

A step too far.

A little.

Just ease me into it.

Yeah, we can take it slow.

Look at that dreamy little face.

Guess all that playing catch really wore him out.

Mm-hmm.

And tag.

And hide and seek.

What are we gonna do about him?

Mm.

With all the Benadryl you gave him he's gonna be asleep all night.

He was getting very, very cranky.

He was.

There.

[Gasps]

It moved.

No!

Yeah.

Did it?

Look again.

[Keys jingle] Hello?

Hey, man.

Your mom's just checking to make sure you got home safe.

Yep, just pulled in.

All right, then.

She'll be glad to hear it.

Good night...

Mm-hmm.

Son.