01x10 - Prologue and Aftermath

[bunniefuu]

God!

Some men find pregnant women sexy.

Me? My penis is sad.

Why isn't this working?

I don't know. I think I have to come first.

I think you have to have a bigger d*ck.

Shut the f*ck up!

Ah, yeah!

There you go. Ah!

Ouch! Bent it.

(Monica yelling in pain)

f*cking vag*na is exploding!

I appreciate it. I'll call you back.

All right, bye-bye.

(squeals, gasping)

Honey, calm down, calm down, okay?

Maybe you should've f*cking calmed down nine months ago and I would be closing on the CEO of Lindsay Foods at 2:00 instead of trying to pop out Marty Jr. out of the eye of a f*cking needle!

(grunting)

Oh, great. Now... now a vulture is gonna swoop in and steal my golden egg!

f*ck! (screams)

Lindsay Phillips, please.

Kaan.

Marty Kaan, Galweather Stearn.

f*ck you!

Yes, I heard that Kinsy had to cancel.

Pay... (groans)

...back is a bitch.

Uh, is this cucumber in here?

Yes. Do you like it?

Yeah, it's great.

f*ck off.

(screaming)

(baby crying)

Monica and I have always played dirty.

How is scheduling a custody mediation playing dirty?

In the middle of the week when I have an engagement and I gotta fly all the way back here for it?

She's trying to f*ck with me.

Or she really wants this to work out and she's trying to be a real mom to Roscoe.

She did give birth to him.

No, her vag*na did. custody of O'Henry on my watch.

Ooh. You don't have to call dibs.

O'Henry loves Pinky Tuscadero.

Mm-hmm.

I love you.

Relax. I just wanted you to know.

Take care of O'Henry for me.

Mm-hmm.

(door closes)

(elevator bell dings)

Hey!

Hey!

Where ya headed, pal?

Coffee.

Oh, coffee?

Here, got it for you.

You're welcome.

Let's turn around.

By the way, enormous congrats landing this week's client.

Mega church equals mega business.

Yeah, can I tell you, I am so amped about going to your hometown.

Spokane, right?

It is Spokane! You think we'll find any skeletons in the old Spokane closet?

Like what?

Oh, if I could dream, secret sex tape?

Yeah, secret love child with an uncle.

Right. Or I don't know, secret wedding.

Oh, that's right.

We found out about the wedding.

(chuckles)

Officer Dangler.

d*ck Dangler.

Looking for a naughty bride.

(dance music plays, siren wailing)

(clears throat)

Do you like him?

Because honestly, he was the most expensive one they had.

Marty told us about it last week, and we just wanted to say big congrats.

And you thought having Officer Big d*ck dry hump me in our office was the best way to do that?

Great. What'd I tell you?

She hates it. She loves it.

Look at her. She hates it.

She loves it.

Jeannie, I wanted to get you a penis cake.

Wh... I'll take the penis cake as well.

Chocolate, please?

Well, looks like someone's gonna have to take another trip down to the penis cake bakery, Doug.

Well, what can I say?

They make great cakes.

I hear your custody battle's heating up.

f*cking ex-wives.

Well, the word "battle" makes it seem like Monica actually has a chance in hell, which she doesn't, so I'm good on that front.

(chuckles)

Now I'm just focusing on how to bust Skip's nut sack.

The White Knight's looking good.

Yeah?

Oh, yeah.

But you know, come to think of it, f*ck all that!

You're the m*therf*cking Rainmaker.

f*cking A!

I'm Marty g*dd*mn Kaan.

Yes, you are, m*therf*cker.

We are Galweather's relationships.

How about we we urge our friends to thr*aten to leave Galweather? Yes.

sh*t this brick right before the vote goes down leaving Skip no time to woo them back.

Oh, that's making me so hard, Marty.

Hey, thanks for tellin the dildo twins.

Hey.

Sorry. Good morning.

Good morning, potty mouth.

You know, I'm sure Jeannie is storming in here to tell me about landing her first whale. Really?

Yeah, she just reeled in a big one all by herself.

Well, must be getting good advice from someone.

Yep.

You know, Kinsley consultants has had a lot to say about you, Jeannie.

Oh.

So good luck this week.

Thank you.

You never forget your first one.

Doug: So, Jeannie, why did we have to find out about Wes the hard way?

Dougie, Dougie, Jeannie didn't tell us about Wes because a woman believes that she has more power over a man if said man thinks that said woman is still bangable.

Right, Jeannie?

That is incorrect. Yes.

Under your sway.

That's not true.

Okay, I could get you guys to do anything: switch work streams, prep the deck for me, That time I almost got you two to kiss?

That was me using my superpowers.

That is fraud analysis.

We never kissed.

No, men will do anything for the unconquered p*ssy.

All right, handle it, Hoovie.

Shining Light Christian Center run by Reverend Thomas Tyler.

So you dated a guy who became a reverend.

Just because I know him, I dated him?

In my fantasy, yeah, you did.

Also in my fantasy, she's wearing this schoolgirl outfit that's insane.

Yes!

Dirty girl.

It's too small for you. Excuse me.

Why don't you wear underwear?

Okay, I'm right here.

And the pigtails.

She's been a naughty...

You were naughty. All right.

Go, go. Give us a taste.

He did used to sniff my hair in Sex Ed.

(laughing)

Dude was kinda obsessed with the Van Der Hooven.

I'd jump in there if you let me.

Well, now he's all about business and God.

Shining Light saw its revenues plummet by over $10 million last year, so our job is to turn that end-state vision around by energizing revenues and leaning hard on a massive brand repo.

He wants to be the next Joel Osteen celebrity preacher.

But?

But... the al bogey is to leverage this engagement to get Galweather a nice big fat slice of that mega church pie.

You know, God, Inc. is the new rock and roll.

Yes, and Joel Osteen is fricking Bono.

New frontier.

Tell you what, kid.

You hit nothing but neon this one, you will be the stuff of legend.

Mmm, can I get an amen?!

(church bell tolls) OTHERS: Amen!

Jeannie Van Der Hooven!

Oh! (gasps)

(sighs)

Hmm.

(inhales deeply)

Whoops.

Okay.

Just like 1997, huh?

(both chuckle)

It's good to see you.

Thomas is a wonderful pastor, and our church has grown so very, very fast.

But, and there's always a but.

We have held steady at 50,000 members of our flock in recent years and another quarter-million between the six churches in our Shining Light family, but we've leveraged up inside the bubble and we need to convince the board to spend more in order to attract new members.

If we can't get the board to invest in new membership, Old Testament stuff, huh?

Fire and brimstone.

We need you guys to present the board with a comprehensive media package and a viable business model. Okay?

Yeah? And you have my complete support with the board.

It's what we do.

Amen.

Amen.

Others: Amen.

I can't say it, I'm Jewish. Amen.

Here's the church.

Here's the steeple.

Open the doors, Tammy Faye wants some people.

Clyde, do a dirty performance improvement diagnostic.

(text alert sounds) Oh, no, no.

Your superpowers no longer work on me, woman.

(men chuckle)

Okay.

What?

It's nothing.

sh*t.

Potty mouth, party of one.

Jeannie, we're in a church.

Then say a prayer for me because there's my mother.

Cle: Hello, Mama.

One word about my engagement, and I will cut off O'Henry, Supa-Dupa and Knight Rider, and I will throw them in a Mexican dogfight.

And if she invites you to dinner, you know what to say.

Doug: Mmm.

Phoebe, dinner smells delicious.

Let me tell you something about this woman.

She is naughty!

She's hilarious.

You didn't tell me your mom was so funny.

Oh, Jeannie doesn't like my jokes.

She says they're dirty.

They are dirty.

Especially the one...

Okay, Mom, I work with these people, so don't...

Jeannie's always so touchy.

Oh, nothing wrong with being touchy.

Oh, she's so touchy, right?

What else is she, huh?

What else?

Uh, let me tell you what else she is.

She is, uh, Junior Miss Spokane 2002.

Hello.

You must be so proud.

Is that real?

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.

Jeannie, baby, pop me one of these waves.

Hit me with one of the...

Or you know what?

Maybe pop on the crown?

Oh, I'll pop it somewhere all right.

(chuckling)

Jeannie worked the circuit for years.

Is that right? Mm-hmm. Oh, my God.

Phoebe, I can't believe I'm about to share this with you.

I actually did beauty pageants myself. Oh!

Doug: What a coincidence. So did I.

Clyde: Yeah, well, I was crowned king 17 times in a row.

Well, I won most flair in Little Prince Charming.

I don't believe that.

Well, I coached the hell out of Jeannie.

Oh.

And she was the sexiest little kid on that stage.

"Sexy" seems like the wrong word.

Then she just up and quit.

I didn't quit.

I got into Columbia.

So tell me about L.A.

I mean, I'm always threatening to visit, but she's always saying no.

Jeannie: Well, I'm never home.

I travel all the time for work.

You know, guys, I was happily married at her age.

Doug: Oh, too bad.

What... whatever happened to that Wes?

I told you-- we broke up.

(laughing): "Broke up."

I just saw him when I...

Yeah, no, the breakup.

I remember that now.

That was tough for you.

Good thing is, though, uh, she's k*lling it at work.

She is on the fast track to partner.

Well, Jeannie always gets what she wants.

She's just like her daddy.

Where is Daddy now, Mom?

Huh?

Where is he?

Phoebe: Well, you know your father works late.

He really wanted to meet your friends.

Oh, next time.

Mmm.

Right.

My dad works late a lot.

Uh, he's also out of town a lot.

'Cause he travels for business.

A lot.

He's always fond of been a bit elusive that way.

Right, Mom?

(chuckles)

Well, I think I'll go check on the chicken.

Okay.

Mmm.

Yeah, you do that.

(woman moaning)

Hello?

Who's in here?

Jeannie...

Van Der Hooven.

Why do you always say my full name?

Oh!

Wow. Thou shan't f*ck thy secretary after all. Oh, wow.

Uh...

(door closes)

Sniffing more than hair these days, huh?

Yeah, I'm going to need you to put that away.

(sighs)

Yeah, this is, uh, just a... a one-time thing.

Swear to... swear to God.

(inhales deeply, chuckles)

You know, my wife, she-she... all she cares about is Shining Light and business and being a celeb preacher's wife.

She's completely... abandoned our marriage.

You know, maybe I should have married someone like you.

You know, I have always liked you, Miss Junior Miss Spokane 2002.

All right, you're kind of getting off track here.

(sighs)

The point is, I have needs.

A man of God is still just a man.

Oh, you poor guy.

Choose your d*ck or God.

(jet engine whooshing)

(tires screeching)

Uh, Mr. Kaan.

Heard you had to fly in.

What, you think I'd miss this party? Are you nuts?

(chuckles)

Mediator: Uh, well, then, Mr. Kaan, Ms. Talbot, the intention of this afternoon is to reach a settlement.

No lawyers; just working it out in a reasonable fashion-- two concerned parents.

Where's the other concerned parent?

Monica: Marty-pants... he is my son, too. ah, you just figure that sh*t out after eight, nine years?

Yeah, you f*cking crackhead.

Why don't you take the pipe out of your mouth? Figure that out.

Do you... do you see what I'm dealing with here?

Mediator: O-o-okay. Such anger.

Mediator: Uh, Ms. Talbot, you requested this mediation.

Why don't you go first and...

Equal time.

I want equal time.

Oh, a 50-50 split.

No. Not gonna happen.

We're not going to have him living out of a suitcase while he's shuttling back and forth between my house and f*cking Cruella de Vil's mansion.

Uh-uh, not split weeks; I want years.

Mr. Kaan has had Roscoe for five years.

I want Roscoe for five years.

Uh, that's a... a little different than... what we had discussed.

I don't care.

You're not even here half the time.

Oh, I've also requested a long-term engagement here in Los Angeles.

You can write that.

I'm actually going to be home more than you.

Yeah, well, you're still going to be you.

You know, narcissistic, f*cking burnout, pill-popping...

Oh, again with the drug...

Don't write that down.

It... you know what?

I am addicted to many things, but dr*gs is not one of them.

Are you f*cking kidding me right now?

How's O'Henry?

Henry? Uh, who's Henry?

O'Henry. It's my d*ck.

And her foot is rubbing it right now.

You are very f*cked-up.

You kind of like it.

Is-is... is it still there?

Yes.

Uh, okay, well, then, uh, I think I'm going to, uh, leave the... the two of you alone for a moment, and, uh, I'll be...

I'll be right... right back.

You can't win this thing.

I've made mistakes with Roscoe that I can't make better, but I still have time to fix it.

You know what it's like to grow up and miss your mom.

You hear yourself?

You can't help it, Monica.

You're empty.

You can't fill that sh*t up.

Maybe.

Do you remember when we found out that I was pregnant?

(Code Murasaki's "I'm Changed" plays)

I wanted this little boy, too.

And I...

I wanted...

(chuckles)

Can we just stop being so serious?

Come on.

♪ Oh, I feel... ♪

Come on.

♪ Spent ♪
♪ So fast, so fast ♪
♪ So fast. ♪

Uh...

Listen, uh, about last night--

Suzanne is kind of suspicious.

She thought she saw some lipstick on me, so I kind of told her that I was working late with you and you accidently brushed up against me, so...

(sighs)

Jesus, I suck at fornicating.

The d*ck is closed for business.

Thomas?

Yes.

They're ready to go over your light cues for Sunday morning.

Righty, honey. I'll...

Uh, this is...

Bye. Bye, Jeannie.

So...

I've asked around about you, and you... were a little fast in the panties back in the day.

Hmm? So...

I guess I'll let you prep for tomorrow, yeah?

Oh, the board can be a prickly bunch, but I'm sure it'll all go according to God's plan.

Amen.

(chuckles)

Hmm.

Amen.

(cell phone chiming) Hey, baby.

Yeah, I, uh... thought I was going to have time to come back, but I just had to go right into the mediation.

Yeah, I'm at the airport now.

Ha.

Yeah, I love you, too.

I'll call you when I get there.

Bye-bye.

Hey, you guys are getting serious, huh?

(chuckles)

It's such bullshit.

This is your "save a ho" mode.

I've seen it before, and trust me, it never ends well.

Yeah, well, you're right.

Damaged and unfixable-- that used to be my type.

But where did it get me?

Right here, right?

Having empty sex with a woman I never even should have married.

(laughs) I love April.

Roscoe loves her, too, and not just because he has to.

It's good.

(knock on door)

Mediator: Uh, Mr. Kaan?

Ms. Talbot?

I got to catch a flight.

We were just looking for you.

We are ready if the board is.

Well, Jeannie, we have been thinking.

Praying.

Yes, praying, and we just don't feel that you and your team are just a good fit for Shining Light.

Right, Thomas? Yeah.

You're right.

I had a feeling that you might say that.

Well, you can take the girl out of Spokane, but...

(both laughing)

You're right about that.

Okay, so, uh, we should just go?

Yeah, I think that's best.

I'll probably...

I'm just going to...

And I'll explain to the board about your absence, and I'll make it discreet.

You are a blessing.

Ah.

Well, we're ready if you're ready for the presentation.

Um, actually we're, uh, we're leaving.

What are you talking about?

Some things happened while you were away.

And...

And I messed up.

So...

So let's go.

Yeah, let's go.

Clyde: Let's hit it.

Wait a minute. What are we going to do about Nick Peterman, though?

What are you talking about?

Nick Peterman of Peterman Media.

We need to be careful.

Since he is one of Galweather's biggest clients.

He's already agreed to fly into Spokane.

I don't know how much time we have.

I guess we just should promise to partner him with another client.

Oh, this would have been such a great marriage, Mm-hmm. but...

I know.

So... your firm handles Peterman Media?

Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

Oh.

Yeah, they were interested in getting into faith-based content, so I pitched them a partnership with Shining Light.

He was very excited.

Oh.

We started talking about TV ministry, books, reality TV and this and that.

He thinks you guys are going to be the next Osteen, but...

Jeannie, this is a done deal. Let's...

Listen, I do want to say before we leave, I really am sorry.

And I'm sorry for her as well.

You know what?

If Nick is flying in right now, we can take a meeting with him.

Take that long.

We can...

Probably couldn't hurt.

Yeah.

Yeah. Let's do it.

Yeah, let's do it, guys.

Nick, thanks again for flying in.

I think Shining Light is the perfect investment.

And I will be your primary.

(laughs) Yes, me, too.

Okay. Yeah, I'm glad we could we make the deal.

All right. Okay, bye.

You are really good at your job.

That is because my job requires me to lie, Mom.

Something I perfected a long time ago, right?

I never asked you to lie, Jeannie.

You did. You did.

And you still want to keep doing it.

But I... can't.

(sighs)

I didn't break up with Wes.

We're engaged.

The wedding is in two months and I didn't tell you because I don't want us to do the whole "Why isn't Daddy around?" dance that we've been doing for the last 16 years.

We have to lie and pretend about every g*dd*mn thing.

About how he hurt you.

About how he hurt me...

...when he left.

But people talk, Mom.

People f*cking know that Daddy wasn't at work, okay?

And no matter how many pageants you made me do, people still knew, okay?

We were still the same f*cking family.

And I am done pretending.

I'm done.

But you keep going, okay?

You have a blast.

(knocking)

Monica.

Awkward.

(laughing) Nobody's here but me.

So where's the old man?

Jeremiah is with your son.

It's Thursday.

Roscoe has dance.

Everybody knows Roscoe has dance.

Oh, aren't you the happy little homemaker.

What can I do for you, Monica?

Well, I think you've heard some bad things about me.

And some of them might be true.

I'm not perfect.

But then neither are you, though, right?

Yeah, Marty ran a hypothetical past a friend of ours-- lawyer.

GHB can be tricky.

I don't like to be f*cked with, Monica.

I bite, too.

Well, I want to be friends.

I'm here to be friends.

I want to be a good mom to Roscoe.

And I realize that you're here to stay.

That's right.

I am staying here.

Indefinitely.

And I knew it when I heard him tell you that he loved you.

And now that I know how serious the both of you are, I will respect the fact that your place is here with my husband.

Oh, ex-husband.

Habit.

Whoo. Marty always did love 'em feisty.

Now believe me, from here on out, hands off Marty.

Yesterday was just a mistake.

(Code Murasaki's "I'm Changed" plays)

(door opens, closes)

♪ More men flies ♪ (groans)

♪ Memory lies ♪
♪ More men flies ♪

Hey... (panting) great job on Shining Light.

Thanks.

Are you proud of me?

Hey, come here.

Of course I'm proud of you.

Hey, baby.

Crazy-ass week.

Now I know why I hate church.

How was mediation?

Ridiculous.

Yeah.

Monica actually thinks she has a sh*t of getting Roscoe back.

She's delusional.

Hmm. So you decided to f*ck some sense into her.

Yeah?

I got to say, Marty, you called it.

You said she wanted to f*ck you in mediation, so you were right.

Oh, come...

April, stop, please.

Don't pack?

Oh, yeah, that's right.

Let me... let me sit back and hear some of that Marty Kaan spin.

Go on, sell me.

f*cking sell me, Marty.

No? Nothing?

I'll go for you.

My name is Marty Kaan.

And everything you thought you knew about me, you don't.

I am smarter than you, and I will make you need me.

And then I'll show you how I am completely incapable of being loyal to anything or anyone but myself.

I'll blow the f*cking sh*t out of any g*dd*mn thing that could ever be good for me in my life.

What happen...

What happened to the girl who's, like, here's my friend in Tampa, and I want you to have...?

You're in the middle of a custody battle and she's trying to take your son from you.

Who, by the way, deserves way better than the two of you.

And in the middle of that, your d*ck got hard.

Who does that?!

Me! I'm f*cked up!

I hate myself because I knew who you were... and I still f*cking fell for your sh*t.

I guess that's 'cause I'm f*cked up, too, right, Marty?

We all know that, I'm f*cked up.

You know what, you're more f*cked up and you are way too f*cked up for me.

April, please, please.

Please, please, please don't, just don't...

Were you inside of her when you told me you loved me?

Huh?

Aw.

Over, right?

Okay, so don't speak to my son on the way out.

Leave my key on the counter.

Wow.

Marty f*cking Kaan.

Oh...

Oh.

♪ Spent ♪
♪ So fast, so fast ♪