01x12 - The Mayan Apocalypse

[bunniefuu]

(classical music playing)

You can put the drinks down.

These are not for you...

Put the f*cking drinks down!

Doug: Whoa. Hey, hey, Jeannie.

Thank you.

Probably not a great idea to be drinking tonight.

It's f*cking over.

What? It's not over.

Oh, it's over.

No.

Clyde: Hey, what we need to do-- is we need to get hammered, and we f*ck the sh*t out of some interns.

Okay.

Why are you so profane?

Can I get an imminent demise?

Imminent demise?

Oh, imminent demise?

Oh, I'm sorry, sir.

Can I get an imminent demise?

All: Imminent demise!

(chanting): Imminent demise, imminent demise...

Let it out.

...imminent demise...

Yeah. Yeah.

...imminent demise.

Well, it's true.

They're taking us from a top-tier global consulting firm to an in-house consulting group.

Which is bullshit-tonian for cutting 15/16ths of our workforce.

That ain't good.

And no matter how you slice it...

...it's going to look a little something like this.

(classical music plays)

(g*ns clicking)

(g*nshots)

(rapid g*nf*re)

(yelling)

(g*ns clicking, clips reloading)

(g*nf*re)

(machine g*n f*ring)

Beautiful, man.

It's beautiful, man!

It's beautiful!

(g*nf*re continues)

Welcome to the new economy, America.

Where only the richest, meanest, and smartest will remain.

Including that m*therf*cker I'm not one of them.

(p*stol clicks)

(g*nsh*t)

(cheering)

I don't think you really want a recommendation from me, no matter how glowing it is.

I got so many enemies, it'd be like a death sentence anyway.

Right, but you would give me a glowing reference, right?

(chuckles)

Yeah.

Might I get a hint as... as to what it might look like?

You got to stop.

Seriously.

What? Oh, come on.

No, one gets inquiries, one wants to know that one's references are rock solid, right?

(chiming)

From whom did one get inquiries?

Oh, my God, no.

No, no, no, no.

Congratulations.

For what?

Clyde Oberholt has just been named in the 25 under 30 of management consultants. Boom!

Yeah. I know, I'm as shocked as you are.

The 25 most connected, highest earning young consultants in the business.

Young consultants in the business.

You see? When you believe in yourself.

Maybe I was too obvious a choice. Is that possible?

Jeannie: Congratulations, Clyde.

Seriously.

Thank you, Jeannie.

One day for you, you know that.

Good job, junior.

Thank you...

I appreciate it.

Straight out of Harvard, right into Galweather.

Maybe that was my problem.

You know, the wunderkind thing.

I didn't have enough of an underdog quality.

It's got to be something in that.

Not Jewish, you know, not from a second-tier school.

Whoa, anti-Semite, why don't you take a chill for one second, okay?

Are you kidding me?

f*cking pre-schoolers...

Who cares if Clyde just pledged Sigma Chi?

We're on a plane, it's on fire, billowing smoke coming out of the engines.

There's a gaping hole in the cabin, people being sucked out to certain death.

So...?

Of course. S-stupid.

It's just I'm a people person.

No, no, buddy, that's not your thing.

I'm not a people person, I get that, but what about my numbers?

Would you f*ck this if you saw it?

Whoa.

Yeah, I know.

What, um...

Shark week.

Hi, sycophants.

Hi.

Just putting a bow on my deliverables.

But you, you are the man I have been looking for.

Me?

Mm-hmm.

Oh, why? Thank you... Huh?

Clyde Oberholt.

Oh, no.

Doug G5ggenheim.

Oh, no, not you.

You.

That would be me.

Aha. Yeah.

25 under 30, huh?

Hey, what can I say?

That is an honor. It's very impressive.

How did we miss you over at Kinsley?

You've actually met me, like, 50 times.

Don't k*ll your moment by making a lot of sous.

Now, listen, if your pod fails, you should give me a call.

Sure.

Is Marty in his office?

Uh-uh. Leave it open.

Oh, come on, let 'em talk.

It's not the talking I'm worried about, Monica, it's the f*cking.

No, it's not.

All you care about right now is saving your own ass.

Okay, you got me.

Mm-hmm.

What do you got?

What's in it for me?

Maybe you could roll over on that custody battle.

Get the f*ck out of my office.

Joking. Jesus.

I mean, I was checking a little bit.

Leads. Do you have anything that I would want?

I may have something you'd be interested in.

But what do you got?

I think you show me yours, and then I show you mine.

BP is looking at a top down.

Why is it that I haven't heard about this yet?

Because I'm about to close on the fucker in two seconds, all right?

Deal.

Yes.

Okay?

What?

Oh, right, yes.

Galweather Stearn has a little bit of a problem.

It's a genuine pandemic of sexual harassment and misconduct.

That's it?

That's it.

I traded BP top down for some grab-ass at Galweather Stearn?

Monica, every shop has sexual misconduct.

Do you think I don't know about ours?

Oh.

You know what, I'm going to just get some boxes and start collecting my sh*t.

Excuse me.

This is a real culture of quid pro quo advancement for sexual favors.

And your little boyfriend the Rainmaker is the head fucker.

He will bang anything with a snapper.

Yes. I'm well aware of Marco's predilections.

Oh, that's okay.

You just take your time.

I don't need the machine or anything like that.

Marty, we are talking full-on sex addiction here.

High double digits.

Yeah?

These rumors, they have a direct correlation between business and sexual favors.

There's hush money, payoffs.

This could be one sexy class action.

Ooh.

Are you getting horny?

f*ck, yeah. This harassment talk just got me hot.

(door opening)

(door closes)

Hey, man.

Dad?

Yeah.

You fell asleep, bud.

It's okay.

I fell asleep because I was waiting for you to help me on my Mayans report.

Oh, yeah, the Mayans.

That's right. I remember.

I didn't let Grandpa help me because you said you would.

Yeah. I'm sorry.

It's just been real intense at work lately, you know?

I know, but I have intense times, too.

I know.

I'm going to help you work on it tomorrow, okay?

That's a promise.

Come on, let's go to bed.

The Mayans believed that the world would end in 2012.

What do you think?

The Mayans were pretty smart.

Yeah?

You better rest up for the Apocalypse then, huh?

Marty: Every week we waltz into companies just like this one and tell them how to fix their sh*t.

Well, this week it's us.

We're the case.

And we are nothing special, ladies.

We are vulnerable to the exigencies of the marketplace just like any other m*therf*ckers.

Now in the case of Galweather Stearn it has come to my attention that there is a sexual harassment element.

Sexual harassment?

Do tell, Obi Wan.

Certain senior partners have been using their power and considerable influence to bang the hotter, younger elements of the company in exchange for favorable advancement.

Now that's a big no-no.

Do you think K. Warren is going to want to pay the scrilla to untangle some messy lawsuit?

No, sir.

Hell, no.

He's gonna back the f*ck up.

So here's what we do: we poison the well.

We bring a class action lawsuit.

We convince Metro Capital to pull out of the deal.

Then we make this lawsuit go away, we sweeten the well back up, and we get back to the business of making big money.

That's the play.

I love that play.

How many women?

Or men. Hold on. Or men.

Men get harassed as well.

You wish.

Marty: Yeah, well, that's the rub.

Nobody wants to be first to the dance floor.

I mean, who wants to be Patient Zero in this case, right?

So what do we do?

Well... first we have to find them, and...

Clyde: Once we find them, we have to convince them that stepping forward leads to a shiny, happier life.

And they're going to get some f*ck-you money out of the deal, too.

All right. Jeannie?

Let's do this.

Let's do it.

Okay.

Doug: Hey, Rachel...

You know what we haven't spoken about in, like, forever?

Sexual as*ault.

Clyde: Hey, man, I got it from here.

You can go, it's just numbers.

What? What are you...?

We'll figure it out.

Start again. Um... when a man loves a woman... when...

I feel like we haven't talked in so long, this is so embarrassing.

You look good, by the way.

You been working out?

I'll see you, though.

Doug: Rumors are flying, and, uh, I mean, good-looking guy like you?

You're not immune.

So if anybody's hurt you, or abused you...

You're with a friend.

Whoops! Okay.

...and I'll be here for you.

(indistinct conversations)

(laughs)

My brother from another mother!

Come on!

Hi, Greg.

Hey. This is, uh, Malina.

Check her out.

I went to the Jeannie store, and I got me a good one.

Jeannie store? Wow.

That's right.

Malina teaches at a place called Yoga Works, and...

(clears throat) Come on.

Yoga works, right?

Yes, it does.

Hi, Malina. I'm Jeannie.

Hi.

Greg. You look super casual.

Super casual.

Well, very astute, Jeannie.

I look casual, I feel casual, and I'm out.

I am through with the banking rat race. Good riddance.

And guess what?

I'm going to start a little consulting firm of my very own.

Wow.

Wow is right, because "those who can't do, consult."

Right, Marty?

Right, Greg.

That's right.

Well, I'm sorry about the whole merger thing.

K. Warren's going to rip your company apart in about 30 seconds.

He is a wicked warlock.

He'd cut your liver out and eat it for breakfast.

But... moving on, huh?

Yoga, kite-boarding, very young women...right, Jeannie?

Malina.

That's Jeannie.

Malina. Jeannie.

It's too bad you missed your sh*t.

You could've been by my side tonight.

Hey, you know what? You still could. It's not too late.

What about... you two girls?

What do you say? We could...

No.

The three of us...

Greg, that is a terrible idea.

But you gotta ask, though.

No.

I guess you gotta ask.

Rainmaker (on microphone): Hello, hello, hello?

Hello.

Galweather Stearn, AKA Metro Capital's Galweather Group!

(cheering)

The Galweather Group.

(men exclaiming, laughing)

You ever hear of ovophagy?

Sharks, in utero, eat their own brothers and sisters.

The strong survive.

Now, I know that there's been a lot of speculation about what the new normal will be at Galweather, once we have joined forces with the most powerful banking institution in the country.

Well... it's gonna be fan... f*cking... tastic!

Yeah!

(applause, cheering)

Oh, and will there be some reorgs?

Ohh...

Some counsel-outs?

Ohh...

Yeah, there will be.

But those of you who have stayed the course, you will be rewarded.

(laughs)

Because we stand by our own.

In fact, right now, right now, our new CEO, K. Warren McDale, is on board his jet to come here and personally congratulate all of you, on this... this very special night.

(applause)

None of these women wants to be the first.

(sighs)

We just need one.

I'm telling you, one woman comes forward, the floodgates-- phew-- open right up.

Doug: Okay. I can't be the only one wondering this.

By "dinner attire," do they mean black tie?

Because I can never tell in LA.

At Harvard, "dinner attire," bam, black tie, you know.

Who f*cking cares, Doug?

We're all getting fired.

Okay. Sure, but... you at least want to get the dress code right.

What's Wes wearing?

He's working.

Okay.

So, does anyone have any job offers on the table?

Nope.

No?

Well, Jeannie's engaged to Richie Rich, so she doesn't even need a job anymore, right?

Jeannie: f*ck you, Clyde.

So... any? No? Oh.

That's interesting.

(imitating Doug): That's interesting. Nobody? Anybody?

Do you want to tell us something, Doug?

No, I... God, no.

I think that would be gauche.

But you're twisting my arm, now I feel like I have to.

Clyde: I'm not.

Hey, I got an idea.

Why don't you guys get back to f*cking work?

Well, actually, you might find this interesting, Marty.

Not gonna find it interesting, Doug.

Well, let's find out.

Uh, you guys ready for this?

Okay, I'm going to freestyle here for a little bit, so... just go with me. Uh...

I've actually gotten a pretty sweet offer from a river-rafting company on the middle fork of the Salmon River.

Oh, not the middle fork!

Fork, yeah. (laughs)

So for me, the timing is kind of... perfect.

What about you, Mr. Popular?

I mean, how do I follow that?

I'll try. Um...

I have a very interesting bite from Kinsley.

From Kinsley? Really?

Yeah.

And I'm architecting a few financial instruments that would make the entire notion of work so 2012.

f*ck, damn it.

f*ck you, Clyde! Oh, ho ho ho!

You're a f*cking thief!

Is this Round Two?

Good idea. All right. Round Two!

Yeah, bring it!

I'm the architect of financial instruments. Me, not you!

Are you going to start wearing f*cking sweater vests, now?

You wouldn't see me caught dead in a f*cking sweater vest.

Why? You stole everything else from me!

Hey. Hey.

No, because I'm not...

I'm looking at this case.

We got d*ck.

We got less than d*ck.

You want to do this sh*t right now?

You're all gonna be fine.

Everybody here.

Scarecrow...

Shithead Kinsley...

You too, Blondie.

I'm the one that's gonna be f*cked.

Why don't you shut the f*ck up and see if you can find Norma Rae?

♪ ♪

Oh, sh*t.

(sighs)

Marty: Throwing it back tonight, huh?

Yep.

Very drinky.

Yes. Very, very drinky.

Don't die, okay?

Marty...

Do you know why I'm good at what I do, Jeannie?

I'm good... because I read people's behavior.

That's the only thing that makes me different than all these other jabonies.

I read behavior just a little bit better than they do.

So you know what I mean when I tell you I've been reading yours for the past three days.

You think I don't know that you sold out your team, and your boss, and yourself?

You think I can't see that gaping, sucking hole in the middle of you that you call a soul?

I got the same f*cking one, Jeannie, okay?

You're trying to fill it up by sleeping with this f*cking prick?

Look, I'm not going to blow you up, okay?

I'm not going to tell you how to play it, I'm not gonna burn down your life, I'm not gonna try to f*ck up your wedding.

But... you did not do your team any favors.

(classical music playing)

You going somewhere?

When you tell this story later, make me sound good, okay?

(indistinct conversations)

(microphone feeds back)

I would like to make a toast... to some of the women at Galweather... who, when they stand with me, will indicate that they are part of a class action lawsuit against Metro Capital's Galweather Group.

(chuckles)

Or whatever the f*ck it's called.

Most of whom have slept with the Rainmaker;

(deep voice): Marco Pelios...

(giggles) our fearless leader... (laughs) and, and quiet driver of the hostile takeover.

Vroom-vroom. (laughs)

I know I did... sleep with him.

(chuckles)

Especially when he promised my fast rise to partner.

Didn't you all feel special, too?

Ladies?

(murmuring)

(gasping and murmuring)

♪ ♪

Oh, come on...

(chuckles)

So, dude, mad props for all of this boning and betraying while still managing to do quite a bit of business.

(whistling)

You are Slutticus!

There's, like, 20 complainants.

(chuckles)

Yeah, it's a Fuckapalooza, Kenny.

Oh, seriously, it's a boner bonanza for the Rainmaker.

All right, yes, yes, Greg, I hear you.

Two years of bad PR, at least.

It's a g*dd*mn deal breaker.

Tell him to turn this son of a bitch around!

He turned the plane around.

The merger's dead! Namaste!

(cheering)

(bouncy piano melody plays)

(sighs) It's stunning, really...

...how something as simple as man's desire for p*ssy can undo entire civilizations... or even hostile takeovers.

Good-bye, you scary m*therf*cker.

(clamoring)

Oh, Marty!

Gotta hand it to you, man.

You f*cked me good.

No!

Oh, yes!

Marco, I did not f*ck you.

This is just getting even.

Oh! Your daughter, her I f*cked good.

I think it was pretty good.

She was screaming a lot.

Courtney? Rose tattoo on her ass cheek?

m*therf*cker...

There you go.

You son of a bitch mother...!

Oh, sh*t!

(glass breaking, onlookers gasping)

Are you...?

We need to...

What?

Um...

Are you...?

f*ck.

(clears throat)

What?

I...

For me...

...have been feeling very insecure.

Uh-huh.

Um, join six billion other people.

I, uh...

I've been insecure and... dishonest.

Oh, Christ, are we gonna have one of these kinda talks where every...?

And I... I have been behaving badly.

Well, that-that doesn't sound like a, uh, a good sign.

And I'm not ready to get married.

Or be engaged, or live with you.

Whoa-whoa-whoa! Oh. Wh...

Seriously?

But I really like being with you.

"I like being with you"?

"I like being..."?

That's really sweet and all, you know, your whole struggle that you're going through.

Truthfully, for me, I'm not that surprised by it.

I kind of always saw you as my B plan.

Do we really think that my parents were ever gonna sign off on a beauty queen runner-up from Spokane?

My family owns a f*cking baseball team.

That's what they do for fun.

Your family...

Right.

So f*ck you... and your little existential problems.

Don't sell yourself short.

Oh, I...

I was your A plan.

And I messed up.

Hey.

(sighs)

It's a crazy-ass night, man.

You going somewhere?

Where's Roscoe?

He went to stay with his mother.

He didn't mention anything to me about a sleepover.

No, Marty, he went to stay with Monica... for the foreseeable future.

What'd he...?

Did he say something to you?

He said... you made him feel like the Mayans were right.

Well, I don't give a sh*t, okay?

She can't just take him, Dad.

She can't. We haven't even had the custody hearing yet.

No, no, Marty, she didn't take him.

He went.

Well, he can't.

He can't.

I don't give a...

He can't f*cking do that.

I'm-I'm gonna get a court order.

Marty.

What?

You gotta let him play this one out.

You got to.

I'm gonna go, uh...

...spend some time at my condo, give you some space, hmm?

Dad...

I don't want space.

Yeah, well...

I'm gonna give you some anyway.

I'm sorry, son.

(door opens, shuts)

So you blew up your life for the job, huh?

You blow up your life every day for the job.

That's true, I guess.

Does that mean one day I'll be like you?

(chuckles)

One day.

Girl, you are already like me.

Well, I'm gonna take that as a compliment, knowing what a high opinion you have of yourself.

How else could you take it?

(both laugh)

Doug: Hey-hey-hey!

Hey-hey-hey!

Are we doing sh*ts?

Who wants to do some sh*ts?

sh*ts, sh*ts, sh*ts.

To the blower-uppers.

To the m*therf*cking blower-uppers.

Come on.

Pour me one.

♪ ♪
♪ I'm back where I belong, yeah ♪
♪ I never felt so strong, yeah, I'm back ♪
♪ I feel like there's nothing I can't try ♪
♪ And if you with me, put your hands high ♪
♪ "A House Is Not a Home,"

I hate this song ♪
♪ Is a house really a home when your loved ones is gone? ♪
♪ So you been a guest in your own home ♪
♪ It's time to make your house your own ♪
♪ Pick up the phone, come on ♪
♪ I'm coming home, I'm coming home ♪
♪ Tell the world that I'm coming home ♪
♪ I'm coming home ♪
♪ Let the rain wash away all the pain of yesterday ♪
♪ I know my kingdom awaits ♪
♪ And they've forgiven my mistakes ♪
♪ Thank you ♪
♪ I'm coming home ♪
♪ I'm coming home ♪
♪ I'm coming home ♪
♪ I'm coming home ♪
♪ Tell the world that I'm coming home ♪
♪ I'm almost home, check this out, yeah.
♪
♪ Home. ♪

Meow.