03x03 - Boom

[bunniefuu]

Previously on House of lies...

This was supposed to be a game-changer for me, and he just does whatever the f*ck he wants.

I know. Classic Marty, huh?

What do you want, Marty?

We miss you at the new shop.

Jeannie: I really want to thank you, julianne-- I am learning a tremendous amount from you.

I enjoy mentoring.

Benita: It looks like gil has been using a statistical methodology that's been outmoded for years.

Good luck with that dod account.

It's in your hands now.

Marty's ex-wife, she's 100% shithouse-f*cking-rat-crazy.

(Glass shatters)

Sic semper tyrannis!

(Screams)

Just f*cking fire me, please.

Just f*cking get me out of here.

I am gonna keep you here for the re of your mediocre career!

Robert Tretorn, free range foods.

Tretorn: You are never gonna find heirloom seaweed at that white-trash colossal foods.

How drunk are you?

You take colossal foods, I take free range.

It'll keep them on the hook forever.

(Bed squeaking)

Man: Oh, this is so good.

This is like a roller coaster, you know?

Like full throttle at magic Mountain or...

Oh, sooperdooperlooper at hersheypark. f*ck.

Oh, God, you're so f*cking stupid.

Wait, why would you say that...

Oh, shu... shh!

Shh! Shh! Shh. (Moaning) Oh. Oh.

(Muffled moaning, chuckling)

(Chuckling)

(Roller coaster rumbles)

(Moaning)

(Roller coaster riders screaming)

(Dog barking)

(Children chattering)

(Doorbell rings)

Big day, Kitty cat.

Mmm.

Do you want some coffee?

I have a coffee maker.

Somewhere.

Didn't you move in, like, seven months ago?

(Chuckles) Yes, well, I'm not exactly hattie homemaker.

So I guess no fresh baked muffins either?

No. Sorry.

Hey, uh, what time is your meeting at colossal foods?

Uh, we land in Phoenix at noon, so...

By 1:00, Ted Lasky will think that converting a fleet of stores into a healthy- living brand was his idea.

Wow.

You always been this f*cking cocky?

I just hope you can pull it off on your end.

Because rumor on the street is that you've lost a step.

And I'm imagining this rumor was started by...

Somebody had to.

Voila.

Coffee maker.

Yeah.

Do you have any coffee?

No, I do not.

No, you do not.

Doesn't matter. I'll pick some up from free range.

Robert tretorn, on his latest jaunt into the amazonian rain forest, has discovered a bean that will make you question everything you ever thought about hot beverages.

Why do I get the feeling you're gonna love ruining Tretorn's day?

'Cause I'm gonna love ruining Tretorn's day.

Come on!

An existential thr*at to his...

Pretentious baby?

Oh, God.

Gonna be like...

Christmas f*cking morning.

(Doorbell rings)

Yeah. And a, uh, full frontal att*ck from colossal, with a deep pocket like that, is gonna send him scrambling. (Doorbell ringing)

I know. It's gonna be a beautiful thing. Mm-hmm.

Cleanup on aisle five, six, seven.

(Doorbell ringing)

You gonna open the door or...?

Yes, I'm gonna get the door.

You can just...

Help yourself to... anything.

Hey. Sorry. I left my, uh...

Hi.

Yep. Oh, there it is.

What up? Hey, what's up, bro? What's going down?

How you doing, man?

He came straight from softball last night, so...

I'm a catcher.

You don't say.

Yeah. All right, you know what?

I should get going.

Duty calls, so...

All right.

Hey, stay awesome.

Please?

Don't leave him hanging.

Pound it out.

Thank you.

(Chuckles) All right.

(Laughs)

Bye. Okay.

Mm.

Marty: Oh, I think he might be the one, Jeannie. Right, because every girl you've ever f*cked is a theoretical physicist.

So, he's a catcher.

Now, what position does he play on the softball team? Oh, no.

You do not get to have the Jeannie-with-a-strap-on fantasy.

Sorry, Marty, you had your chance-- you blew it.

Yeah, uh, look, I know we never had a real conversation about anything that... you know what? I have so much to do before I get on this flight.

Yep. I got to get Roscoe to school.

Tell me you're not gonna f*ck me over on this.

Are you kidding me?

Jeannie, come on. What...

Whatever you think about me, why would I do that?

From a purely financial standpoint.

Jeannie, this is gonna be huge for both of us, okay?

My brand-new company gets a steady cash infusion, and you get to waltz right back into Galweather as a conquering hero.

I already have julianne pirouetting like a ballerina in a music box.

This is a win, Marty, but I certainly don't need it.

So why are you doing it?

Maybe I'm gonna f*ck you over.

(Chuckles)

Yeah. Maybe.

(Elevator bell dings)

(Phones ringing)

(lndistinct chatter)

My office.

Oh, Jeannie.

I couldn't sleep last night.

And normally I'm an amazing sleeper, but last night, I was, like, mwah, you know?

I mean, I was just raised with certain values.

You get what I'm saying.

I mean, I think our childhoods are pretty similar, actually.

Our families lived paycheck to paycheck.

Christmas was a homemade scarf and an extra slice of ham.

And while the rich kids were off skiing and horseback riding, we were developing strong moral character.

I mean, we're not saints, Jeannie, but we're what my aunt Helen would call good people.

Benita, I have absolutely no idea what you're talking about.

The work we're doing.

(Whispering): For the defense department.

(Whispers): Why are you whispering? Because I think we've crossed some legal and ethical boundaries.

When we first started, I was focused on the statistical models.

But now, seeing the breadth of the data mining, it goes well beyond what the FISA court deemed constitutional. Okay, I'm getting every other word, so if you could just condense what you... I'm sorry. You have justeen such an amazing mentor.

What? She's not your mentor.

And I am on the horns of a real dilemma. (Groans)

I mean, I consider myself a patriot.

I love my country.

I love my country.

And, I mean, I definitely wouldn't want for there to be another 911.

What? Who calls it 911?

It's 9/11. A lot of people d*ed that day, Doug.

Does it really matter what we call it?

Hey. A guy who once dated my aunt worked at cantor Fitzgerald, so don't you... no. Okay. All right.

Don't you dare give me the high hat. It's okay. No...

Well, now you said "give me the high hat."

He brings it out in me.

I don't mean to.

Oh, yeah. Doug, I wish so much for us to be friends.

That's the bird. He just flipped me the bird, Jeannie.

Really, Doug? Really?

Yeah.

Telling stories. Jeannie... excuse me.

Can I help you with something?

No.

I'm good.

(Drawer opens) Hmm.

Hi.

Okay. Yeah.

It's privacy violations up the wazoo.

Come on. And it's not just illegal, it's wrong.

And I'm not just saying this.

I mean, even us good girls have our moments, too-- look, I'm-I'm not ashamed to admit I may have sent a topless selfie or two in my day.

Ugh.

And I wouldn't be opposed to letting the government have a peek if I thought it would aid national security.

(Voice fading): If these silver dollars could thwart the international t*rror1st effort, God bless you.

Otherwise, I say, "eyes to yourself, federal agents.

Unless you're cute and drive a nice car. (Chuckles)

Woman: Jeannie, they need you in the conference room.

Um...

Did they say why?

Beautiful day, isn't it, darlin'?

It's okay.

(Indistinct chatter)

Sir...

Gil, my man.

Gil: Good to see you again.

You, too, you big bear.

It is good to be here.

Hey, Jeannie.

Why don't you...

Find a seat.

I'm back!

(Cheering and applause)

(Chuckling)

(Crow cawing)

Clyde: I can't believe we're at f*cking.

Monica's house.

Feel like we're errand boys while she's off doing her morning ablutions, man.

This is a f*cking sh*t show.

Life's a f*cking sh*t show.

Aw, thank you so much, r-rated Charlie brown.

I'm happy you're here.

I'm not Charlie brown.

You're exactly Charlie brown, except for that cute little red-haired girl just plunged a Kn*fe into Lucy's thigh and you're acting like it's business as usual.

This should've been a call to revolution.

Should've been the s*ab heard 'round the world.

You can't hear a s*ab. It's a f*cking metaphor. Of course you can't hear a s*ab.

You look like sh*t.

Not get any sleep last night?

f*ck sleep. You know what we should be doing?

We should be tanking sh*t.

You're not serious.

If we do it subtle, if we miss a number here or there, if we do it right now, we can pull it off. Absolutely. If we all work together, you are serious.

If we all rise up at the same time, we can take her down.

I guarantee we can take her down.

Monica's our boss.

Crazy powerful, and I mean that not in the sense of "very powerful," which she is, but literally bat-sh*t out of her mind.

Let me plug that data in here.

(lmitates beeping)

Oh. It says, "good luck working again, dumb-ass."

You're f*cking useless.

You're trapped by a lion.

You don't say, "f*ck you, lion."

You play dead and pray to God it doesn't eat you.

When have you ever been around a lion in your life? Sir Clyde.

I thought that was you in here.

Look at this.

Little Marty. Or should I say way-bigger-than-Marty little Marty?

What's good, man?

Nothing much. You know, I am sing someone.

Oh, you're seeing someone.

You know, I was actually getting something started with a woman myself, but she ended up stabbing your mom.

It's always something, right?

Right.

(Chuckles)

Oh, hey, dad.

Hey, man. Go get your stuff. All right.

Didn't expect to see you.

Well, when your f*cking wife has been...

Yeah. I thought you would've been somewhere lost in an eight-ball on kinsley's dime.

Maybe I could be recuperating properly if you hadn't f*cked me with colossal foods.

Aw, sorry about that.

Clyde: f*ck that.

(Groans) These g*dd*mn millennials, right? I mean, back in my day, when you shivved your crazy-ass boss, you went for a vital organ and you twisted that fucker.

You didn't... the thigh?

Not the thigh.

What is that?

Mmm. (Chuckles) Uh...

You would miss me if I was dead, huh? (Chuckles)

(Chuckles)

Ready, dad. Bye, mom.

Later, Clyde.

Bye, baby. Mwah.

Bye, Roscoe.

For real? Oh, my God. Excuse me.

(Chuckles)

I don't even feel anything.

It's crazy.

Rainmaker: There'll be some restructuring, of course, as we, you know, integrate the...

New faces with the old ones.

There'll be some shifting of responsibilities and some shuffling of offices.

But you know what? All that can wait for another day.

Today is about celebration, as we triumph in this company's return to its glory days.

To Galweather stearn, the way that God intended it.

Hear, hear.

Hear, hear.

Now go forth and jihad!

(Indistinct chatter)

Oh, Jeannie.

Uh, Jeannie, Jeannie, hey.

Can I have a word?

You know, for most of the last year and a half, I've been a...

A g*dd*mn pariah.

My friends, they wouldn't even be seen with me, let alone, you know, hire me.

I had to sell my vineyard.

Did you know that?

My lawyers tell me I can't even fire the stupid little c**t that made all this happen.

I... can I just say one thing?

Mm-hmm. These friends that couldn't hang with your dehumanization of-- what was the final number--

16 women?-- maybe they weren't your real friends to begin with. Look, you know what?

Don't feed me that coercion bullshit.

I didn't hold a g*n to any of your heads.

You wanted to.

Oh, God, yes.

The too-tight shirts, the thick, fetid breath, the snow white bush, we all just had to have it.

I mean, what girl doesn't dream of blowing Santa claus?

Hmm.

I liked f*cking you.

But I'm gonna...

Really...

Like f*cking you.

I have a plane to catch.

Colossal foods.

Oh, right.

Well, go make Santa a shitload of money.

Doug: How did this happen?

You think gil reached out?

I don't know. Maybe.

I mean, even so, the rainmaker?

That doesn't make any sense.

It makes perfect sense, Doug.

How?

You know how a-a, a football team will go through a rebuilding phase?

No, not...

A basketball team?

Not really.

A baseball team?

I don't get that game.

Any team?

I'm more of a squash guy.

Yeah. I can get into squash. Or crew.

Does the... does the analogy fit... teams...

Sometimes try to change the ethos of the locker room by going to a youth movement or bringing in "character guys."

They lose a few too many games, and the next season they open up their wallets and they buy a bunch of all-stars.

The rainmaker and his cronies. Correct, Doug.

Okay. The rainmaker and his cronies.

All right, so what do we do?

I mean, apart from obviously k*lling it today at colossal.

Right?

I don't know.

(Sighs)

Hey. Here's a thought.

What if I request a transfer to gil's pod?

He's close to the rainmaker.

That way, I can keep my eyes and ears out for you, make sure there-there are no nasty surprises headed your way.

Wow, your loyalty is so impressive, Doug.

Okay. I was just...

I get it. All right.

No jumping ship. Enough said. Yeah.

With you to the bitter end. Thank you.

I mean, unless you say otherwise... Doug.

Okay. It's fine.

So, I was just in the restroom.

I got to thinking... gross.

Julianne was obviously a political animal, very much the accommodator type, but maybe this rainmaker person would be willing to play hardball with the dod to get us into compliance with federal law.

We do great work. The dod would not want to lose...

Shut up. Please, benita, just shut up and do your job. Okay?

Shut up.

Why is that such a difficult concept for you to grasp?

Huh? Do what you were hired to do. Why?

Mind your own business.

Now sit the f*ck down.

Yeah.

(Chuckling): Holy sh*t.

Tretorn: So, these rumblings, are they just rumblings or what?

No, no, no. Ted Lasky has fast-tracked his senior managers on this. Colossal foods will have a new brand up and running by early next year. They don't give a sh*t about the earth.

I give a sh*t about the earth.

I know, I know.

I have made it my life's mission to protect the earth.

I don't think Ted Lasky even knows that's the planet we're on. Look, don't worry about it, Robert, okay?

We got you.

Colossal is a free market succubus with a slavish devotion to the bottom line.

Mm-hmm. And this guy's $40 million in salary last year is just the earth's way of saying thank you.

No, this experiment of theirs is gonna go up in flames.

They have no feel for organics.

There's no artistry there.

No, let 'em burn.

We're gonna keep doing what we're doing, and we're gonna dance on their ashes. Whoa. Wait-wait a minute.

Uh, Robert, now, clearly they're philistines. Yeah.

They're pretenders.

That's right.

Ted Lasky wouldn't know a goji Berry from a dingle Berry.

(Chuckles)

But... do not help me.

But the people are gonna see a brand-spanking-new store at the end of their street.

It's gonna be called, I don't know, fresh and organic or golden meadows or whatever the f*ck their high-priced market testers spit out of their word-combining algorithm.

The design of the store, the signage-- it will look like free range foods.

And they're gonna set their prices just a little bit lower than yours, and they're gonna keep 'em there until the only fresh produce you have in the store's gonna be that tumbleweed rolling down the aisle where the frozen food used to be. Nah, the consumer's smarter than that.

Come on.

What?

They're gonna see through it?

Yeah.

Come on.

Are you kidding me, Robert?

f*cking sheeple?

(Chuckles)

Come on... Americans-- f*cking everywhere-icans, they're gonna go for the lowest common denominator every time.

You know that.

Listen, when you started this company, you took the people by the hand. Yeah.

That's right. You introduced them to quinoa and-and kombucha and twig tea.

Yeah.

You opened their eyes.

The revolution isn't over, baby.

Let us help you.

Okay? Because better still matters.

(Melodramatic gag)

Let's give it a sh*t.

(Chuckles) Okay.

(Clattering) Monica: Where the f*ck are they?! That's it.

Which one of you stole my f*cking dr*gs?

Huh?

That's professional.

Huh? I know it was one of you.

Turn your pockets inside out. I want to see oh, my God.

What is inside your pockets.

Hey, crazy lady, nobody stole your f*cking dr*gs, all right?

Is it possible that maybe you just forgot where you put them?

Now.

Open up your pockets.

(Breathy laugh) Really?

Are you seriously taking your pockets?

That's it.

I'm done.

You're f*cking insane, okay? I'm out. Have a good life.

Hmm.

You should probably wait for an actual offer from booz before you quit this job.

Yep. I know about your interview, and I think that they're gonna hire somebody else.

Call it a hunch.

(Chuckles)

You will learn to love me.

Or not.

Either way, you're mine forever!

Monica: Where the f*ck are my dr*gs?!

(Engine roars, tires screech)

Will, you are making my scone uncomfortable.

Those brown bits, are they bacon?

I skipped breakfast or I'd give it to you.

I wasn't asking. It's cool.

The orange on top though, that's cheddar?

Cheddar. Mmm.

Cheddar. Yes, it compliments...

All right, kiddies, what do we got? Talk to me. All right, free range should thr*aten to drop their small providers if they sell to the new entity.

Ding, ding, ding.

Jeffrey: Yeah.

We wrap our fingers around all their scrawny little necks.

And just squeeze.

Yeah. Um... anything?

We identify where colossal intends to convert stores and build new free ranges in those areas. Wow. (Chuckles)

Wait. Question: How much longer do you think it would take to find a new location, purchase it, build a store, as opposed to just, you know, converting an existing supermarket?

A lot longer.

Uh...

A f*ck of a lot longer. Okay?

That's one point for will. One point for Jeffrey, not because you added anything of any value, really, but just because, you know, you legitimately scare the f*ck out of me.

And one big ol' giant, organic, cage-free goose egg for the cutie from Connecticut.

If you're not gonna eat that, I will take it.

You idiot!

You f*cking moron!

Hold it. What's the problem?

Colossal isn't doing a brand conversion.

They are wrapping us in a g*dd*mn bear hug!

Holy f*cking... a bear hug?

Okay, kiddies, a bear hug is a hostile takeover bid in which a big scary f*cking company...

(Bear growls) makes an offer for a smaller company... that far exceeds that company's value.

Now, the little guy has a fiduciary obligation to take care of shareholder interests, and with so many of these things floating in the air...

(Sighs) the little guy has no choice but to accept the deal.

At which point the big ol' scary bear, his tummy full, curls up for a nice winter's nap, and the little guy...

(Scoffing)

What the f*ck, Jeannie?

Huh?!

What... the... f*ck?

Okay, just...

Just take it easy, Robert.

All is not lost.

Let me make a phone call...

No, how about instead you eat my ass!

It is organic, right?

(Will laughs)

It's not the moment for that.

Oh...

Robert...

Oh, m*therf*cker!

That's a...

f*ck!

(Line ringing)

Hi, you've reached Jeannie...

(Laughs)

Hey...

Huh.

That's weird, I have two missed calls from Marty.

Why would he be calling me?

Oh, my God, maybe he heard about the rainmaker.

Jeannie, he could be offering us a lifeboat.

Or... he could be calling for social reasons.

I mean, I have dropped a few subtle hints over the years that a get-together outside of work could be intriguing.

Do you think it's possible he's finally responding?

I don't know, Doug.

Why don't you ask him yourself?

Whatever the question is, the answer is "yes."

Doug... God, you look good. It's good to see you.

That was...

Doug, um...

Marty and I need a minute, okay?

Why don't you go buy yourself a soda?

Uh... I'm not an eight-year-old, Jeannie.

We'll talk later.

Come on.

You should hold up a sign with my name on it.

I almost walked right past you.

How was Phoenix?

Cold. I mean, I understand it's January, but still, you figure it's Phoenix... cut the sh*t, Jeannie.

Hostile takeover?

That's how we're doing it now?

You f*cking kidding me?

When I said the words "bear hug" to Ted Lasky, it gave him a huge business boner.

He hates your guy.

Yeah, well, he's not my guy anymore.

I figured as much.

Ted Lasky, on the other hand...

He thinks I am a f*cking God, and not one of the minor gods, either.

A serious deity.

Athena was a big one, right?

You know what?

f*ck you, Jeannie.

You and the rainmaker deserve each other.

Language.

God, what's your new pod, a bunch of sailors?

My point-- if you'll let me finish, Marty-- is that Ted Lasky would follow me to hell.

Or even Kaan & associates.

You know, you might've led with that.

I like watching you squirm.

I've kept an office open for you, so...

That's kind of pathetic.

Well, you're filling it, so let's just say it was forward-thinking.

Yeah. Let's not get ahead of ourselves.

I have terms.

I know.

You were grossly underpaid at Galweather stearn...

I'm not looking for a giant payday.

Okay.

I want what you have.

I want parity.

You want the same equity in the firm as me?

Oh!

Good, you know what parity is.

I had someone check into your books.

Congratulations, Marty.

You are pulling in a considerable amount in fees.

Very impressive top line for a baby startup.

Thank you.

But you still are a tiny, baby startup, and I know you're shelling out a fortune to give that place the shine you need to sell success.

Losing free range will be devastating.

You'd have to make significant layoffs, or dig deep in your pockets to keep the firm afloat, and colossal would more than offset that loss.

But... that's not why you should give me the keys to the candy shop.

You left your flank open.

I could've gutted you.

I did gut you.

Colossal and its $30 million in fees aside, you need someone at that firm who will have their eyes open when you don't.

Wow.

Shark Jeannie has teeth.

Is that a yes?

Well, if she has to ask, maybe shark Jeannie's just little minnow Jeannie.

Good.

Good.

Come on, let's go celebrate.

There's a quiznos in terminal...

I just want to be clear, Marty....

(Sighs) that this is a business decision.

Purely.

While our interests coincide at the moment, I will not hesitate to throw you under the bus if it serves me in the future.

So no toasted subs?

♪ ♪

Oh.

Heard about colossal foods.

Big win.

Yeah.

You know what amuses me?

It's what I find g*dd*mn hysterical, actually.

(Laughs)

You think that this is gonna save you.

You are off colossal.

You are off dod.

You are off f*ckin' everything.

I get it.

I have been...

(Clears throat) a bad little girl, and I just hope that there's some way I can win back your trust.

Someday.

I'm sorry.

Were we done?

Yeah.

Yeah...

Benita?

(Clears throat)

I want to apologize for what I said.

The changes around here just got me all out of sorts.

You don't have to...

I do. I do.

This business, and the things we do, and the people that we work with...

It's almost impossible to get out of it unscathed.

It's certainly hardened me.

I don't want to give you a big head, but I do see a little bit of who I used to be in you.

Wow.

I wish I could get that...

Girl back.

She's still in there, Jeannie.

Look, the department of defense is not gonna change the way they do business just because we ask them to.

And knowing the rainmaker, he's not gonna ask.

sh*t.

Let me see your phone.

Why?

Just...

Um...

My college roommate is a great girl.

You would love her.

She works at the New York times.

She's a reporter, and if you tell her even half of what you told me about the dod's flagrant disregard for the U.S. constitution, it... it would be front page.

But I...

I mean...

This could take down Galweather stearn.

They made their bed, benita.

Now, I know what I'm asking you to do takes a whole mess of courage, but for girls like us... I mean, is there any other choice?

We are women of good character, and if we lose sight of that...

God save our souls.

("I never know" by generationals begins playing)

♪ I've been thrown off ♪
♪ since you twisted me get busted ♪
♪ I've been listening ♪
♪ to people that I've trusted ♪
♪ and I don't know ♪
♪ if I could believe you ♪
♪ believe you ♪
♪ I don't know ♪

(Timer ticking)

(Clatters)

Boom.

♪ Who says it ever is about ♪
♪ what came before you? ♪
♪ won't get obsessed with it and I get to ignore you? ♪