01x10 - The Fixer

[bunniefuu]

I cannot give you nitrous every time you come in for a cleaning. It kills brain cells. It does. Just look at Sue Ellen at reception. She laughs for no reason. She is not okay.

[Laughing]

[Laughs]

I know.

Okay, she was in med school, but for the last seven years, she's been looking at the same Highlights magazine.

Oh, my gosh. Hey, where were you last night?

Crank it up. I didn't hear you come in.

Uh... God.

I slept with Nick.

What?

Why would you do that? You slept with your ex-husband?

I don't know.

I... just, will you lean back and open your mouth?

I just...

But you were doing so good, Michelle.

What happened?

I don't know.

I... I think I was in denial, and now I've moved into depression.

You can't be depressed, okay?

Look, maybe Nick was a good thing.

He didn't let you eat carbs.

I just think I need to be sad for a while, okay?

I just need to go home and...

And sit in the bath and read Harry Potter and cry...

Mm.

'Cause I'm just...

I'm just really sad, and I'm lonely.

Oh, no.

You know?

Hey, hey, hey, hey, Mich, okay, you... you are such a special lady.

Yeah, you're very, very pretty, and you're sexy, and you're intelligent, and you pay your rent on time.

And you're like a little bird that's just been freed from her cage.

And you keep trying to fly home, but you're hitting the sliding glass door 'cause you don't know it's a window, and you hit your beak, you fall down.

I don't know whether to toss you or flush you.

Whoa. Whoa.

That nitrous is really good.

Okay, look, look, look, I'm gonna pick you up tonight at 8:00, and by 10:00, you are gonna be legs up.

Boom.

You know, you have a filthy mouth.

Oh, come on. don't be a prude.

No, like, literally filthy.

How are you brushing your teeth, with your finger?

Ah.

[Upbeat music]

To sum it up, you never actually saw State Senator Cranklin receive money from any of the construction companies.

Mm-mm.

No further questions.

All right, State may call its next witness.

What?

What are you... what are you doing?

Are you trying to get me to steal third... what?

No... what? No, just give me a break.

[Laughs]

Please.

Can you? A break?

Can you give me a break?

Oh.

Well...

No, it's a... it's a little early...

For lunch.

But, you know, let's... Let's call it brunch.

One hour, brunch.

[Gavel pounds]

Tom, okay, what's going on?

Okay.

I just need, like, a little, tiny, bitty recess for the rest of the whole day.

What... does this have something to do with your hair situation?

No, this... wait, what?

My... what is wrong with my...

A touch of the biebs, just a touch.

It's getting big.

No.

Look, my key witness against the State Senator, her chief of staff, is missing.

Ooh, well, five counts of corruption, you need your witness.

Mm, God, I love when you tell me things I already know.

I have subpoenaed this witness.

All right, I've called him.

I've texted him, emailed him.

He is not showing up anywhere.

What am I supposed to do?

Well...

When I was d.A., I did whatever it took to get my guy.

I once drove 15 hours to burning man, built a robot, rode around on a unicycle... topless... to get my guy.

Really? You had to?

It was brutal.

I got hella windburn, and my Dr. Seuss hat still smells like a bonfire.

Yeah, but you got to... you got to do it, Tom.

You got to get your hands dirty.

You need to step outside the lines.

Nope, going outside the lines leads to anarchy.

First you have a cookie before dinner, next thing you know, you're burying a hooker in the park.

Well, then you're not gonna get Cranklin or your witness.

Are we just gonna sail right past "burying a hooker in the park"?

We're just not gonna talk about it?

Okay, theoretically, all right, if I were to go outside the lines, I don't know where to begin.

Look, you have the dude's info, go to where he normally hangs out, okay, and track him down.

But he's right, Tom.

You got to get out there and find this guy no matter what it takes.

Tom by himself, man...

Tom's gonna get k*lled out there.

[Both laugh]

He is gonna get brutalized.

You got to go with him.

Did I say k*lled? I meant embraced.

Okay, I get those words mixed up all the time.

So which one means he'll be fine?

Hot doughnut?

Judge Hernandez, Laverne Wilson.

Of course.

So nice to see you again.

I missed you when I did the harassment seminar for everybody else last month.

I had the flu.

Oh.

You know, you didn't have to do this little makeup seminar just for me.

I've been to many of these over the years, and I think I know right from wrong by now.

Oh, but the rules are always changing.

For example, do you know about the Jenkins vs. Hershfeld case?

I was the presiding judge in the case, so yes.

Why don't you just sign that little piece of paper that says I completed the seminar, and I'll be on my way?

I can't do that.

Have a seat.

Four hours of discussing inappropriate sexual behavior in the workplace with you...

Nothing could possibly make this more uncomfortable.

Hello, Laverne!

Welcome, Judy.

I stand corrected.

Hello, Judy.

Hi, sir.

All right, you are allowed one backslide with your ex.

And anything after that, you're basically back together.

And I am willing to help you, but you've got to commit.

You know, I'm in.

I am, but I... I'm nervous.

I was married for 17 years.

Ugh.

It's been, like, 16 1/2 years since a man has taken off my bra.

Okay, don't ever tell anyone that other than me.

Okay.

Hey.

You are new here.

Right? Yes.

I'm Derek. It's my first week.

Hello, I am Rebecca.

Nice to meet you.

I've seen you around a couple times.

Yeah.

I haven't seen you before.

I would remember. What's your name?

I'm Michelle.

Oh, Michelle.

[Giggles]

Dude, your hands are so soft.

Oh, that... that's... they get sweaty,

'cause they're in latex gloves all day.

[Sniffs]

Well, whatever it is, it's... it's working.

Nice to meet you, Michelle.

Okay, first of all, never smell your hands in public and speak of latex.

No, it's not good.

Secondly, that guy is adorable, and he's totally into you.

Well, he called me "dude."

Yeah, it's 'cause he likes you.

That's what the young people say.

Yeah, look, look, look, young guys love women our age.

Old guys love women our age.

The only people that don't like 40-year-old women are 40-year-old men.

Oh.

Yeah.

Okay.

Okay. All right, I can do this.

Yeah, you can. You got it.

Here you go. These are on me.

Oh, cheers.

Thank you, dude.

You're welcome.

Um, so you guys all good?

As an experienced older woman, I can tell you, yes, dude.

Okay.

But this is for you from Michelle.

Thank you.

Yeah.

Wait, he's not gonna know I'm interested just because you said that tip's from me.

He will if your phone number is written on the back.

Both: What?

I didn't even see you do that.

I know, I know.

I'm like the David Blaine of getting you laid.

You guys, you have to do whatever it takes.

Hey, w... no, no. You can't go in the evidence r...

Oh, God.

You'll need supplies.

For what?

Stakeout.

[Groans]

Night-vision goggles.

Yeah.

Night-vision goggles.

Grappling hook.

Grappling hook.

Yeah.

Grappling hook.

Oh, and two walkietalkies.

Boom.

Ooh, brick of hash.

Tedward.

Look, a corner fell off into my pocket.

Where's the clerk? This isn't right.

We got to at least sign this stuff out.

I keep it all up here, Tom.

How do I look in this?

Uh, probably better than the guy who d*ed in it.

Ghost jacket.

Is that something?

I think it's a thing.

I've not heard of that.

Hey.

Hey, morning, sleepyhead. How'd it go with Derek?

I didn't hear you come home last night.

Maybe you didn't come home last night.

Oh, my God. Relax. No.

We just went after work to this place and got a beer.

Mm-hmm.

I don't know.

I just... it just feel so weird to be dating.

[Cell phone buzzes]

Mm.

That's him, right?

Yes. He won't stop texting me.

Did you realize he's 24?

All right, after he kissed me good night, he, like, gave me a high five and took off on his bicycle.

"Dude, barbecue at my place today, pool, beer pong.

You down?"

Dude, are you down? Dude, I have to work.

Come on, 24... 24 is the golden age, man.

They're right out of college, but they haven't had their spirits crushed yet.

Right?

Gosh, I am really good at beer pong.

You're gonna bail out of work early, and I will pick you up.

Bring your suit to work, right?

Eh.

Okay, wait, he wrote back, googly eyes, googly eyes, dancing lady, beer mug, wave, dollar sign.

All right, and to that, I say, colon, closed parenthesis, sir.

Both: Send.

Uh-uh, no, stop.

That makes me feel uncomfortable.

Great.

Now, let's do a little role playing.

Judge Hernandez, you're going to be reading from this script.

And, Judy, you're going to be responding.

Improv, great.

I need a suggestion of a location...

Bathroom...

I heard bathroom.

Thank you.

[Chuckles]

[Clears throat]

"Can I give you a back rub?"

Uhuh! No!

Are we done yet?

Do you want me to sign your slip?

[Sighs]

♪ Kick your feet up, go, go ♪

♪ get it, got to kick your feet up ♪

♪ go, go, get it ♪

♪ got to kick your feet up ♪

This is awesome.

This is exactly what I thought it would be.

Did this used to be a best western?

Maybe.

I think they built it around the palm trees.

Michelle, hi.

Yes! Hey.

I'm so stoked that you're here.

Oh, I am also stoked.

Yes.

Hey, I brought tunes. What?

I did. Oh, this is for me?

Yes!

Wow, is this vintage?

Uh, made to look. Yeah.

You guys want something to drink?

You know, I would love an earthy red if you have.

We have earthy beer.

Beer is great.

Oh.

Okay.

Great.

Okay. Okay.

Ladies, welcome.

I'm Tyler.

PBR?

PBR, yes, we are.

Okay, hey, I enjoy your facial hair, sir.

Thanks, I've been growing it since Halloween.

Uh, Tyler, meet Rebecca, and this little lady is Michelle.

Hi.

Hi.

I'm sure you've heard.

I... I recently, you know, got out of a marriage with a man I devoted my entire adult life to.

God, and, you know, I'm just out in the world.

You know, I'm trying to keep an open mind.

And I think about the possibility that I could die alone, so would you like some spinach dip?

Yes.

Yeah.

One second. We'll be right back.

Oh, okay, okay, okay.

I don't know how to make sexy small talk.

What do I talk to them about?

Video games? Usher? don't worry about any of that.

All you got to do... you got to zip that.

You got to unzip this.

Boom, okay? Whoa, whoa, whoa.

'Cause spinach dip ain't the only thing you brought ♪ to the party ♪

I want you to practice that move.

And pretend I said something really funny right now, laugh.

[Both laughing]

Cannonball!

[All screaming]

Uh-huh, yeah.

Ahh.

Oh!

Oh!

Oh, my God.

Whoo-hoo-hoo!

Whoo!

You're geniuses.

Mich, get in here.

Okay, all right. Okay, wait.

That's incredible.

Um, yeah.

Uh-oh, the tongue.

It's stuck. Your tongue's stuck?

[Mumbling]

All right, all right.

Ow! don't panic. don't panic.

♪ Hot blooded ♪

Both: ♪ check it and see, yeah ♪

♪ I got a fever of 103 ♪

All right, who's down for some beer pong?

Yes.

What do you say, ladies?

We are.

Loser has to do a keg stand.

Oh, yes, we're in, and you're going down.

Yeah, you guys, I've been playing beer pong since you were, like, four.

Okay? Yeah.

I don't know what a keg stand is.

I think we should just go.

You're kind of being, like, Michelle Harvey Oswald fun assassin right now. Hey!

Let's just play one more game, and then we can go, okay?

Just one more game. Okay, all right.

But you know what? I'm starving.

Okay, I thought it was a barbecue.

There's no actual barbecue.

That's just our term for a, you know, daytime party.

Boom.

But you do have a grill, so maybe we could fire it up.

Um, I don't think that's a good idea, because this is where we keep our flip-flops.

Awesome!

[Laughs]

♪ Whoop whoop ♪

♪ That's the sound of the police ♪

♪ whoop, whoop that's the sound of the police ♪

What is all this stuff?

Stakeout gear, baby.

I got my stakeout mix going.

We got stakeout snacks.

All right? Stakeout drinks.

All right, but you don't want to drink too much.

You might miss your man 'cause you got to go pee every ten minutes, okay?

But in case you do...

Stakeout bathroom.

All right, so how does it go down when we see our guy?

Do we just, like, call him over to the car?

No, I'm gonna flash my badge, flash my scowl... you know, just...

Right, and I'ma strongly urge him to get in the backseat.

Okay.

Look, I signed this car out specially for this.

Okay, look, there are no handles in the backseat, okay?

Once he gets in, he can't get out.

That's kidnapping.

That's... minimum sentence, ten years.

We let him know up front,

"hey, man, you can leave whenever you want to."

But, oops, the doors don't open.

[Both laughing]

Michelle!

You got to make this, or it's keg stand time.

Come on, Mich.

All right.

You got it. You got it.

You got it.

All right, all right, stop.

Come on, Michelle.

Yes!

Whoo!

What?

That was... what is that?

No, no.

No, listen. I'm ready to go home.

You said one game. We played, like, 20.

I feel like you didn't even try right there.

We can't go home. We got to do the keg stand.

All right, you're not being a very supportive friend right now.

What?

Hey, you ready?

Yes. We are ready.

Let's go. Let's go.

All right, boys. Yeah.

Go!

Yeah! Yeah!

I'm going home.

And your right boob is about to pop out.

Michelle. Michelle!

Please?

For the last time, no.

Look, it's still daylight.

No, I think it's getting darker.

Fine.

Whoo, cool.

Hey, hey, hey.

That's our guy. These things really work.

Look... really? I can... I can see him too.

You can? All right, what do we do?

We go get our guy.

By any means necessary.

Ow! Okay, that's bright.

Yep.

Uh, Mr. Panz, we'd like to talk to you for a minute.

Am I under arrest?

Uh, no.

Right, okay.

Good-bye.

[Stammers]

Hey, why don't you just come to our car and just sit in the backseat, and we'll talk about some stuff?

Yeah, it's not like there's any hard way to get out of the car.

Wh...

Look, I know you want me to testify against my boss.

I'm not gonna do that, okay?

My career would be over.

Your career?

If you don't testify, your life will be over, you moron.

Your boss is facing five felony counts of corruption.

And if you don't testify, that makes you an accomplice, which means you automatically get half of her sentence.

Obstruction of justice triples that.

Right.

How old are you? What, 30?

32.

Yeah, well, quick math quiz, hotshot.

If you don't testify, you are going away until just before your 157th birthday.

Yep.

All right.

But don't worry. Your career will still be fine.

Are you serious?

You tell me.

Okay.

Okay, okay, I'll do it. I'll do it. I'll testify.

There's some snacks back there for you.

Thank you.

Yeah.

Holy crap, man.

I mean, the way you just had all that legal stuff just ready to go...

That was impressive, Tom.

It was all lies. All of it.

I don't even know if the math was right.

[Laughs]

I mean, if he doesn't testify, it's, like, three months.

So you just, like... you just made all that up.

Just made it up! God, I loved it too.

Oh, it reminded me of when I was little, and I would go to church and close my eyes but not pray.

[Laughs]

God, I just want to break all the rules.

Hey, this... okay, take it easy.

Just start with jaywalking.

Yes, on it, and I'm not gonna wear my seat belt.

Hey.

I'm gonna wear my seat belt 'cause that would be reckless.

Okay. Seat belts are important.

[Cell phone buzzing]

Well, we got to make a quick stop first.

Yeah, I got to tinkle.

Guys, thanks for picking me up.

I have a super low rating on Uber.

I'm sorry. I get carsick.

Everyone gets carsick after a bottle of Tequila.

Oh, are you the witness? Is this the witness?

Yes, this is the witness, and he's agreed to testify.

Oh, I'm so glad you finally got that turd.

Sir, that was unfair.

You're performing a valuable civic duty by testifying.

So what happened to Michelle?

She totally bailed on me.

I gave her the perfect get-over-Nick pill, and she didn't take it.

What'd you tell her?

I told her to quit wallowing, get back on the horse.

And that horse is called Derek, and he's young.

[Growls]

You know, some people just don't want to be happy.

See? Sir, you are so right.

You know what, the bottom line is, I lost the battle, guys, but I will win the w*r, man.

She already had one backslide with her ex.

One backslide, you're fine, but the second one, you're basically back together.

See?

Listen, man, I'm glad that you showed up, because I don't want to freak you out, but I could have given you three months jail time.

What?

Look, no, that's in addition to the 150 years.

Remember?

Why aren't we driving?

Well, 'cause someone hasn't put on their seat belt yet, and I'm looking at her.

Oh.

[Crying]

Michelle?

[Crying]

Hey!

Aw, special lady.

Sorry, I just didn't want you to see me this way.

I have seen you cry literally thousands of times on land and on sea, day and night, every state in the union, and in Guam.

That was a terrible spring break idea.

I know, those sailors were mean.

What happened at the party?

Well, it was cool until Tyler's mom showed up.

Then it got weird.

So, you know, I told them all they could come here.

What?

Oh, babe, I just can't.

I can't party, okay?

I'm sorry, I know you think I'm a drag and that I need to bust loose, but it's just not working for me.

Michelle, I just wish you would listen to me, okay?

I fix problems, right?

I mean, it's kind of what I do, right?

I deal with people's lives every day, and you... you deal with people's mouths, which is very important.

It is... but my advice is kind of sanctioned by the state of California.

That's a really big state.

Are you still drunk?

Yeah.

Look, you're great at fixing people's problems, but, you know, what's gonna fix you is not what's gonna fix me.

I'm not you.

I know.

You're very tiny.

I'm tiny.

I could wear you as my earrings.

Mich, whatever you need, okay, got it.

Okay. Thanks.

[Doorbell rings]

[Scoffs]

That's them.

The merry band of misfits... don't worry about it.

I'm gonna get rid of them, all right?

It's just a bunch of hot guys and a couple of dumpy chicks, but [Clicks tongue] it's done.

Well, what... is Derek with them?

I think he is.

He did mention something about his formal basketball shorts.

So...

Well...

I mean, I don't want to be rude.

[Giggles]

All right, you know what?

Maybe we can get Derek to read you some Harry Potter.

Ooh, maybe I'll allow him into my chamber of secrets.

No, don't say that, though.

No?

No.

Sir!

Yes, Judy?

Well, I was wondering...

My niece is selling girl scout cookies, and would you like to buy some?

They're $4 a box.

Sure, put me down for ten.

Ten boxes total or ten of each kind?

Yes.

Judge H, what's going on?

Ever since we took that seminar, you won't even look at me.

Well, it's just, ever since then, I'm very aware of our interactions, and I don't want to say or do anything that... that might make you uncomfortable.

Please.

We were reading scripts.

I know that's not you.

You're a gentleman, sir.

I know you would never make any unwanted sexual advances towards me.

Of course I wouldn't.

Because any sex talk you throw my way is more than wanted.

It's a-okay.

No. Stop.

That makes me uncomfortable.

Now I know why you were required to retake that class.

I hate to see you go, but I love to watch you leave.

Mm.

Mm, mm, ooh.

Anne Cranklin, the jury finds you guilty on all five counts of corruption.

Sentencing will be handed down a week from today.

You will be remanded into custody until then.

Oh, this makes me happy.

I got to say, Tom, I didn't think you had it in you.

And I am sorry that I had my doubts.

All right, well, no need to apologize.

I should be the one thanking you for finally pushing me outside of the lines.

So you liked being bad, huh?

Or did being bad...

Like me?

Oh. Tom?

Yeah?