01x02 - Joust Friends

[bunniefuu]

[Birds chirping]

What an easy journey this has been.

So peaceful.

Too peaceful.

[Men grunting, groaning]

My hero!

Madalena? But I'm coming to rescue you.

I've missed you, Gal.

I've missed you, too, darling.

But I don't understand. Why did you leave me for...

King Richard: Who? Me?

Mm, still stings, doesn't it, hero?

Actually, I have a question.

How can you be a hero if you're not wearing any pants?

[Laughs]

Hero, my ass.

You've lost it, Galavant.

Now, if you'll excuse me, we have to go get freaky.

[Smooches]

N-o-o-o-o!

You've been screaming like a castrated hyena for the past 10 minutes. [Chuckles]

Ah, my pants are on.

My pants are definitely on.

[Sighs]

You've still got it.

Okay, g*ng. It's time to go.

Adventure awaits.

♪ I'm off on a hero's journey, out where adventure lies ♪
♪ On a quest the poets will sing about ♪
♪ With destiny at your shoulder ♪
♪ An ego of massive size ♪
♪ And a face most chicks have a thing about ♪

[Tink!] ♪ And so what if you're still hung over? ♪

Right! ♪ So what if you smell like slop? ♪

Yeah. ♪ So what if you've got that pesky little muffin top? ♪

Wait, now, hold...

♪ You're off on a hero's journey ♪
♪ A champion through and through ♪
♪ More or less ♪
♪ Doing what all the heroes do! ♪
♪ And I ride to save my one true love ♪
♪ Though she ripped your heart in two ♪
♪ Not true ♪
♪ Pretty true ♪
♪ Very true ♪
♪ To destroy the king she was forced to wed ♪
♪ More like "chose to wed" ♪
♪ Not true ♪
♪ Kind of true ♪
♪ Got to say, sort of true ♪
♪ And I ride to help the princess ♪
♪ Who I've taken 'neath my wing ♪
♪ If he finds out I'm working for the king... ♪

Wait. What was that?

What? [Chuckles] Never mind.

Did you just say...

♪ Not a thing ♪

No, I'm pretty sure you just said...

♪ You're off on a hero's journey ♪
♪ And this is my hero's vow ♪
♪ I'll return ♪
♪ Rising victorious ♪
♪ And how ♪

No, really. I mean how?

♪ Nothing's gonna stop my journey ♪
♪ His journey ♪
♪ Off on a hero's journey! ♪
♪ N-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-ow! ♪
♪ Off on a hero's journey! ♪
♪ N-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-ow! ♪
♪ Off on a hero's journey! ♪
♪ N-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-ow! ♪
♪ Off on a hero's journey! ♪
♪ N-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-ow! ♪
♪ Off on a hero's journey! ♪
♪ N-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-ow! ♪
♪ Off on a hero's journey! ♪
♪ N-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-ow! ♪

[Inhales deeply]

Holy [Bleep] I'm out of shape.

Ohh, my tummy hurts.

Whew!

That was a long song.

Galavant - 01x02 Joust Friends

[Galavant groaning]

Princess, can we swap horses?

Yours looks so much softer.

[Scoffs] What is wrong with you?

All you've done since we've left is complain.

You're supposed to be a bloody hero.

And I've got every intention of being one, Princess.

I'm gonna save Madalena, I'm gonna get your kingdom back.

There's gonna be some pretty legendary hero-ing happening around here pretty damn soon.

It's gonna be dark soon, and this road is gonna be filled with bad guys who would like nothing more than to have their way with your tight, brown body.

[Gasps] How dare you!

I was talking to Sid.

What?

I say we find a tavern and hunker down for the night.

And how do you plan on paying for anything, hmm?

We have a priceless jewel we can't spend and a 6-foot hero we can't eat.

Or... "Joust! 1,000 shillings grand prize"!

Cha-ching!

King Richard: Hmm. Mm-mm.

Mm-hmm.

Catapult at the ready.

[Imitates catapult f*ring] Catapult.

[Laughing] Mmm!

More, more. More?

[Mumbling] Which... which?

This one, this one.

Mm. Mm-hmm. This one's coming on horseback.

Oh. Here.

[Clicking tongue] [Chuckles]

Yay. Gareth: Chef!

Why don't you let the king feed himself in front of his wife?

She's watching.

Mm.

Open your drawbridge! Here comes the cannonball!

[Imitates fuse hissing]

[Laughing]

Ohh! Ew!

There's fat on this piece. I don't like it.

Take it out.

All right. All right.

Right. Okay. Well... [clears throat]

That's going to do it for me.

But, darling, you've barely touched your roast peacock.

Chef, be a doll and shove a few more cannonballs down my husband's throat.

I'm growing weary of his voice.

Never start a marriage with a kidnapping.

Both of you promise me that right now.

Yeah, we promise, My King.

Rock-solid advice, My King.

Still, it's fine.

I'm sure once I k*ll Galavant in front of her, she'll change her tune.

What's with the awkward silence?

Uh, it's...

What?

No, it's nothing.

Speak.

Well, um, I just think...

And I say this very respectfully, Sire...

You got to man up.

You got to butch up for her a little bit.

Me?

Yeah!

[Laughing] I'm sorry, Gareth.

I am Mr. Butch!

Oh, poop!

I got gravy on my tummy flowers.

[Gasps]

Oh, my God. You're right.

Come with me, Sire.

Holy cow! This is your room?!

[Sniffs] What's that smell?

Testosterone.

[Sniffs] Mmm. Musky.

Look, if you want your wife to respect you, you've got to earn her respect.

You need to man up.

[Sighs] I wouldn't even know where to begin.

Well, it just so happens you're talking to the professor in the art of manhood.

And I'm gonna give you a makeover.

Gareth, I cannot thank you enough.

Come here, you!

Hey, I've only ever hugged one man in my life, and it was the day my father d*ed.

[Sighs]

I squeezed that rotten bastard to death.

Right. We'll hug later. Good talk.

[Horses neighing]

[Scoffs] This is a terrible idea.

May I present a late entry to the joust, the Lord of the Sword...

Sid.

This is Galavant. He wants to joust.

Sir Galavant? An honor. [Chuckles]

I'll just need 100 shillings for your entry fee, and we'll get you signed in.

Jean: Well, who do we have here?

Hello, Jean Hamm.

If it isn't Galavant. Long time, no see, old friend.

Nice beard.

I'm talking about her, of course, but the facial hair is nice, as well.

Sir Galavant wishes to enter the joust.

Oh, yes. That would have been a hoot.

But, unfortunately, we don't have the 100 shillings.

Ohh, times that tough since Madalena see'd-ya-later, huh, Gal?

[Exhales sharply] Can't even scrape together an entry fee?

W-we got more than a pesky entry fee.

I offer forth the priceless Jewel of Valencia as collateral.

Absolutely not!

The Jewel of Valencia is not collateral.

It is the cornerstone of My Kingdom. Wars have been waged over it.

So I'll put it in the same ballpark as the rooster, then?

Yeah. I think that sounds... yeah.

Yeah?

Sir Galavant will fight the first match.

I can tell you want to bail.

I'll give you five seconds to bail.

I don't want to bail.

I do.

You do?

[Chuckling] Oh, yes, I want to bail...

Your mama out of jail when she gets arrested for prostitution.

You know what, Jean? It's... it's 1256.

Mm. The "your mama" jokes, they're getting really old.

Hmm, so is your mama.

Seriously, Jean. It's getting really worn out.

So is...

Don't.

Your mama!

[Sighs]

Well, hello, there!

Does this strap go on the front or the back?

I have no idea. I haven't worn these in years.

It goes like...

Ow! Hold on.

Yeah, um, feel the need to check in, 'cause, remember, everyone I love dies if we lose that jewel, so you definitely got this, right?

Yes. I've got this.

Oh, good God. Do I have to do everything?

[Sighs]

Galavant is the greatest hero of our entire kingdom.

[Armor clattering]

He will not participate in a joust like some common knight.

This is a man who slays dragons.

He is the lord of the... Sword.

Lo... no, sorry. I can't.

Fair enough.

Sir Galavant, we will advance you to the final on merit.

[Applause] Does everyone agree?

Fine by me. [Chuckles]

[Sighs]

I just got you one more night to find it.

We are not losing that jewel!

And your armor's on backwards!

[Sighs]

[Grunts, groans]

I need you to win this joust, and you're in no condition to do that. Do you agree?

I do not.

[Clears throat]

[Laughs]

What... you're gonna train me?

Mm.

[Sighs]

Okay.

My father is a man's man who never got a male heir, so from time to time, I humored him and let him treat me as one.

You should stretch.

Oh, please. Heroes don't stretch.

Mm-hmm. Pick up your sword.

[Sighs]

Uh...

Is this your way of building my confidence?

You're just gonna humiliate me all day long or...

[Sighs] You're out of practice, out of shape.

It's all right to admit that you're afraid.

[Chuckles]

You're not gonna annoy me into doing this, Princess.

Galavant!

[Sighs]

She knocked me down, Princess. Is that what you want to hear?

Yeah, she took the legs right out from under me.

So, yeah. Yeah, I'm afraid.

I'm afraid of what happens the next time I get knocked down.

[Sighs]

Any man can get knocked down.

The hero is the man who gets back up.

Now... pick up your sword.

["Stand up" plays]

[Grunts]

[Sighs]

Ha!

Ha!

Ha!

I don't see how this is helping.

15...

♪ There comes a time in every tale ♪

16...

♪ When the hero must prevail ♪
♪ Gonna be an epic fail ♪

34, 35, 36...

♪ Unless you show some pluck ♪
♪ Once the training sequence starts ♪
♪ You gotta grow some manly parts ♪

Aah!

♪ I'm talking big ones... Off the charts... ♪
♪ Or else the plot will suck ♪
♪ So stand up! ♪
♪ And go for glory ♪
♪ Stand up! ♪
♪ Or there is no story ♪
♪ Stand up!

♪ Don't let your legend suck ♪

Damn.

♪ Now you're lookin' pumped and cut ♪
♪ And it's time to check your gut ♪
♪ Gotta kick your rival's butt ♪
♪ It all ends here, if not ♪

Aw.

[Laughs]

♪ Soon the battle will begin ♪

Ha.

♪ And you better be all in ♪
♪ 'Cause if you don't fight and win ♪
♪ There really is no plot ♪
♪ So stand up! ♪

I think you're ready.

♪ Stand up! ♪

And if I'm not?

♪ Or there is no story ♪
♪ Stand up! ♪

Let me worry about that.

♪ Stand up now! ♪

Want some company?

Well...

Hello, there.

Hi.

Can I interest you in a drink?

No, no. Big joust coming up.

Mm, rumor has it that you like a good warm-up.

Well, hello...

"Hello, there." Yes, yes, yes. Let's proceed.

Cheers. [Chuckles]

Mm! Mnh. What is this?

Oh [Sighs] absinthe. It's not strong.

But you are.

Oh.

[Giggles]

Open wide!

[Chuckles]

Oh?

Like your mama.

Hmm? Come again?

Uh, nothing.

[Chuckles] Mm-hmm.

Bup, bup, bup, bup, bup! All the way. Mm-mmm.

We are going all the way tonight.

Mm-mm-mmm!

Richard, could we please just eat separately?

I don't know if I can stomach another display of...

What's going on?

Sit down.

Richard, what kind of lame attempt is...

I said "sit," woman.

That's better.

Wine?

Oh, I'm not sure if I...

I'll be drinking an ale...

From the bottle.

[Gulping]

[Belches]

Yeah, I burped. Do you whiff it?

[Thud]

Ladies and gentlemen, it is time for your main event!

[Cheers and applause]

One joust for all the marbles!

Also, a rooster. And a jewel.

[Applause]

Our first finalist, Sir Jean Hamm!

[Cheers and applause]

Hello, there!

[Retching]

[Crowd murmuring]

And introducing Mr. Cheekbones himself, Sir Galavant!

[Cheers and applause]

We've trained for this. You're ready for this.

You're a hero, and heroes get back up.

These are all inspiring and valid points.

Just one minor problem.

What's that?

I can't move.

Come again?

I literally... I can't move my arms or legs. I think we trained too hard.

You're not serious.

No? Watch this.

[Armor creaking]

[Panting]

That's my full range of motion.

Well, that's not good.

I know it's not good!

How did you get on the horse?

I slept on the horse.

[Sighs]

[Horn blows]

[Cheers and applause]

[Groans]

[Grunts]

[Cheers and applause stop]

[Both groan]

[Crowd murmuring]

[Groans]

I think my ribs are broken.

Okay. Well...

First one to his feet is the winner?

Are you serious?

[Both grunting]

Get up.

Aah!

Galavant wins!

What? Hey, no! No! [Screams]

[Both panting]

[Groans] Are you okay?

I won.

I know. [Chuckles]

I feel... [chuckles]

Like I'm back to my old self again.

King d*ck's not gonna know what hit him.

Listen...

I have something to confess.

What?

So, are we keeping the rooster or eating the rooster?

'Cause I'm not naming him if we're eating him.

We're eating the rooster.

[Rooster clucks] Yes.

I love watching you eat.

I'm rather finicky myself, but you...

You... you don't think about it.

You just... eat.

I had a pet goat growing up... Jenny.

Aww.

When I was 8, my parents ran out of food, so they made me go outside and k*ll her.

Hmm?

I had to skin Jenny, cook Jenny, and eat Jenny.

After that, I guess I just tried not to think too much about what I was eating anymore.

And, well...

I made damn well sure I wouldn't be in a position where I'd have to eat my favorite pet again.

[Chuckles]

I never had a single meal with my parents.

Too busy ruling.

No, I had an old servant, name of Pearl.

She served me every meal.

She made it fun, made a game of it.

Only person who ever loved me, old pearly.

This is fun, right?!

You and I talking, listening, sharing, learning about one another.

Yeah. I guess.

["Maybe You're Not the Worst Thing Ever" plays]

♪ You're frigid and demanding, I shudder at your call ♪
♪ Whenever you come near me, my flesh begins to crawl ♪
♪ But sometimes there are moments ♪
♪ I'm not repelled at all ♪
♪ Maybe you're not the worst thing ever ♪
♪ You're utterly disgusting, I loathe your manly stink ♪
♪ I see your mouth start moving, and, God, I need a drink ♪
♪ And then from out of nowhere, I'll look at you and think ♪
♪ Maybe you're not the worst thing ever ♪
♪ You're worse than crabs ♪
♪ Worse than scurvy ♪
♪ Worse than lice or plague ♪
♪ But truth be told ♪

All: ♪ you're growing on me just like mold ♪
♪ Ahh, ahh, ahh, ahh ♪
♪ And though you're so annoying ♪
♪ So easy to despise ♪
♪ I know there's something scary ♪
♪ Behind your cold, dead eyes ♪
♪ And though I'll never like you ♪
♪ It's nice to realize ♪
♪ Maybe I shouldn't quite say "never" ♪
♪ Maybe you're not ♪
♪ The worst thing ever ♪

There was a moment tonight.

It was a fleeting moment, but I saw it.

You realized you could grow to love me.

Oh, would you please stop putting me in this position?

Don't make me always have to be the bad guy.

Well, I, for one, am willing to put in the work in this relationship.

You'll see. I'm going to wear you down.

You're going to grow to love me just like Pearl did.

[Sighs]

You're unlovable, Richard.

Pearl only loved you because your parents paid her to.

I told you not to make me the bad guy.

[Gasps] I need a hug!

[Sobbing]

Ohh, that's better.

Its a little tight. Seriously.