04x08 - And The Fun Factory

[bunniefuu]

Thank you, everyone, for staying late to learn our new iPad order system.

We had no choice, you locked the door from the outside.

Either way, we're learning.

Han, why would we update our order system when our uniforms are from the 1970's and our paycheck is from the 1800s?

Let's get to the tutorial.

Max, you and I are going to role-play.

All right, you can be the little bitch, and I'll be me.

I don't need this lesson.

I'm very familiar with the touch screen.

Let's just say I put the "goo" in Google.

I'm going to pretend I'm a customer, and order a hamburger.

Hello, miss. I'll have a hamburger.

Certainly, miss.

Would you like that with or without salmonella?

Han, I got my first lesson on the iPad from Steve Jobs, and now I'm getting it from Han Jobs?

Caroline, don't act like you know more about gadgets than me.

Formerly rich doesn't b*at currently asian.

Now, come on, everyone look at their iPads.

What iPad? I didn't see an iPad.

What? No.

Did somebody say something about an iPad?

What the hell is an iPad?

Where did they all go?

I'm guessing eBay.

I want them all back, especially mine.

I'm in a casual flirtation with a woman in Australia.

She's part aboriginal, but has a great personality.

(Peter Bjorn and John)

♪ Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ♪

[cash register bell dings]

♪ Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ♪

Here you go, Earl.

Max, what's wrong? You seem happy.

I'm just still on a high from this $10,000 bank loan I got last week.

And from an almost certainly laced pot brownie I ate in 2004.

I can't believe you and Caroline got a bank loan for your cupcake business, and not a single hostage was involved.

Max, you don't have $10,000.

You don't even have Netflix.

This money is to pay a factory to make our cupcake T-shirts, and I've whittled it down to three.

Hello.

Speaking of whittled.

Someone used my printer, and I'm guessing it's Caroline,

'cause it's about business and not another one of Earl's Angela Bassett collages.

What can I say, man? I'm a Bassett hound.

Oh, thanks, Han.

These are the factories I've been researching.

We want our T-shirts to be American made.

I have an American maid, and all she's good at is eating my granola bars.

Look, Max, I found one right here in Brooklyn.

"American Ace. The founder, Ace Hardwick, is devoted to treating his workers well," and not in a creepy way like that American Apparel guy.

So you're saying none of these workers have ever found an ace in their hole?

Look, I've worked in a lot of factories.

I know what goes on.

I worked in a coat factory, which is why my lungs are coated in asbestos.

I worked in an underwear factory, where I was underpaid for the fruits of my looms, and worst factory of all, the cheesecake factory.

Oh.

How about we do a walk-through tomorrow to make sure it's up to snuff?

Well, if they have snuff, why are we waiting till tomorrow?

Hey, everybody!

[laughs]

Hi, great news!

I just got carded at Buffalo Wild Wings!

Really? I got carted out of there once.

And more great news: I'm starting my own new business.

So girls, you know how you have that $10,000?

Well, I don't want to clean you out, But how do you feel about tossing me $9,500?

You two should invest. Sophie's business is genius.

You know how a bunch of ladies got their down-there-hair permanently lasered off?

Yeah, that's when your waxer gives you a Michael Chiklis.

Yeah.

Well, Sophie's offering a product that puts grass back on your field.

That's not a business. That's nobody's business.

Yeah, I don't do any of that stuff.

I just throw a scrunchie on mine and go.

Hey, there's a need for this. Sometimes, in the fog, my plane gets lost without a landing strip.

We're out.

Oh, don't decide yet, girls.

You haven't even heard the cute, little name.

"Sophie Kuchenksi's vag*na Wigs!"

Yeah, we're really out.

Oh. But it's a quality product, and it's real hair imported from "Va-China."

Yeah, never been further out.

And this is our main floor.

[gasps] Wow, this is amazing!

I feel like we're in the Willy Wonka Factory.

I know, right?

The American Ace motto is "Work is fun".

Max was expecting a different kind of factory.

More t*rture, less foosball.

I know, right? Not at American Ace.

And what is your position here, Peggy?

Are you the "I know, right?" person?

[laughs] I know, right?

No, I'm one of the owners. Also, I dye T-shirts.

See, every employee gets a percentage of the company after six months, so the longer you stay, the more it grows.

We've been at the diner four years, and the only thing we've seen grow is Oleg's pants.

I know, right?

Well, Ace is expecting you. Go ahead, go have fun!

[laughs]

Hey, don't be fooled by what's on the surface.

You look like you have money, but I know your underwear's in shreds.

Not shreds, Max, shred.

Just one, it goes from front to back.

Um, hi, should we just come in? The door is open.

Yep, always is.

Doors create boundaries. Boundaries are a bummer.

You know what else is a bummer?

Tall guys with small penises?

That you just missed the gelato and designer coffee cart.

Espresso hazelnut praline?

We're not here for gelato.

[chuckles] We're not not here for gelato.

Awesome. It's awesome to meet you.

I'm Ace Hardwick.

Look, "Ace", we're not about to give you $10,000 so you can take advantage of a sad, underage girl worker near the loading docks 'cause her boobs are crazy big and she needs a ride home.

That's a "for instance."

I'm sorry?

See, Ace, Max has some trust issues When it comes to factories, so, we're here today to...

You're pretty much eating cardboard there.

You want me to get you another?

You should see her with tuna cans.

Hey, I see the prosciutto cart.

Who wants imported ham?

Me! [laughs]

Well, we're not not here for prosciutto.

Hey, you know what's cool?

Short guys with big penises?

[laughs] You're fun.

Your business belongs here at American Ace.

Come on, let's go meet the family.

That guy kind of creeps me out.

On the plus side, I finally get to meet my family.

I had this space designed for open energy and open conversation.

What's up, other owners?

(All) What's up, Ace?

Our sales, by 400%!

[all cheering]

Max, this is it. This is our factory.

(Caroline) The employees look happy and successful.

So did the members of 'N Sync.

But behind the curtain, a veil of tears.

Hey, Caroline, here's the prosciutto cart.

[gasps] Thanks, ace!

Enjoy. I'm just gonna get a quick five-minute chair massage.

Come on, let's slip out while Ace has got his head stuck in that chair's ass.

Hey, what's up?

Welcome to American Ace. I'm Rico.

You're, like, really, really, really pretty.

Aw... oh!

So anyways, I'm part owner, and I clean the bathroom.

Hmm, quick question: Do you have a light cabernet?

Quicker question: Where's the secret room with the toddler slaves?

What's up? I'm Raul, part owner and security guard.

Hey, you two want to grab a drink sometime?

Fridays after work, we all hang next door at Tortilla Flats.

Tortilla Flat. Wasn't that your stripper name?

You're just jealous 'cause mine's taller and thinks I'm really, really, really pretty.

Good luck with that tall guy scenario.

Sorry we're late, but we were busy with our other business, the one we care about.

How can I be mad with that sincere, heartfelt apology?

Who wants to see our sample T-shirts?

I want to see it, but I want to see a lot of things.

With these damn cataracts, the best I can do is look towards it and get a milky idea.

Hey, girls!

I want to show you some of my new styles for my "everybody's merkin for the weekend" collection.

Sophie, what's a merkin?

It's a vag*na wig.

Oh, that's dirty.

And Han, I'm gonna need your input, because I'm working on an asian line.

Shouldn't Han grow some hair on his before he starts tossing out advice?

Han, I need to know if I got the texture right, so come over here.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, that feels nice. Ohh.

Ohh.

Yeah, nice and thick between my fingers.

Oh, yeah.

Slower.

Slower still.

This is like watching your gerbil hump a pencil.

Not really sexual, but still grosses you out.

Sophie, I-I think you should stop.

I haven't felt this sensation since third grade when madam Yi checked me for head lice.

Remind me to pick up a "what's happening to my body?" book for Han tomorrow.

Oh, girls, I'll be over here, working on my African/American line.

Yeah, I can't decide whether to call it a "Vag-afro"

Or a "Pube-a gooding, Jr""

Max, look. These shirts look amazing.

Well, I guess I was wrong about the factory.

Like I was wrong about you Making it through that first winter.

Look, there's a note in here.

Oh, it's probably from Rico. He's obsessed with me.

Yeah, it's not from him.

It says, "help us".

Underpaid workers are trapped in that factory, I knew it!

Once again, I was fooled by ice cream.

Yes, it's a note that says, "help us," but if there's one thing I learned in business school, it's if you don't see it, it doesn't exist.

Look, as much as we want to, we can't just look away.

We need to talk to the workers.

Call the guy, the one who thinks you're pretty.

I don't know who you're talking about.

I only met a guy who thought I was really, really, really pretty.

We can meet them at that Mexican place.

Ooh, a Mexican place!

I forgot about the Latina market!

Girls, when you're there, find out if they'd be interested in some hair south of the border.

Didn't know if you ladies wanted beers or margaritas, so we got you beer-garitas.

It's five bucks, but you're worth it.

I love a girl with a healthy appetite.

Well, you're gonna be getting down on one knee before the end of the appetizers.

So let's just dive right in. How's factory life treating you?

Give us the skinny... which is what I hope you said when you ordered those beer-garitas,

'cause I cannot be poor with a muffin top.

You know, I don't want to talk about work.

Oh, are you saying you're not allowed to talk about work?

Your words, we all heard you, Rico or Raul.

Hey, tell me, what do you girls like to do?

Mm, I like to watch waiters make guacamole at my table.

When's that gonna happen?

So about work...

Yeah, okay.

Hey, let's go see what's going on in beer-garitaville.

What are we gonna do? I can't get any information out of Rico. He's so preoccupied with how pretty, pretty, pretty I am.

Oh, hi, Peggy. How are you?

Would you like to join us and talk about work?

Why don't we talk about you two skanks gettin' the hell outta here?

And I thought we were bad waitresses.

This is Carmen. She works at the factory too.

We're BFFs, and she's one of the owners, like me.

Yeah, and she's a 100% owner of Rico, so Hands off.

We see you two sittin' over here like you're God's friggin' gift.

I know, right? And not for nothing, but Rico's pit bull doesn't like other girls.

I'm guessing that's his pit bull.

And you, hands off Raul.

We have a love that is deep and real, and when he finds out about it, it's gonna be magic.

Yup... Exactly what I expected.

Upstairs is Willy Wonka's factory, and down here, they're waterboarding Oompa Loompas.

Yo, what's up? We just comin' here to work in the dye room right there as per usual.

Yeah, no biggie. What yous twos lookin' at?

That was a really good accent.

Thanks. I played Rizzo in Grease.

Should have been Sandy, but I let the girl with the limp have it.

Come on, we have to put these on and go into the dye room,

'cause I'm guessing that's where it all goes down.

The dye room, I'm not surprised.

I always knew we'd dye together.

Okay, we'll just pretend to be working here, like we do at the diner.

Well, well, look who it is, stuck-up and stuck-up two: The legend returns.

Max, we gotta go. My life can't end wearing grey.

What up, ladies?

Last night, you're hanging with the homies, and today, boom, you just happen to be working here.

That's friggin' convenient.

I know, right?

Very friggin' convenient.

I know, right?

We just have to show them who's boss.

You know, like we do with the mouse who lives in our toaster.

So, what, we're gonna scream and then spray Windex at them?

Yo! See this scar?

Kn*fe fight with five catholic schoolgirls over a slushie. So unless you want some of what I gave Virginia, Stephanie, Laquetia, Latoya, and the one in the wheelchair, I'd stay clear.

This is just a misunderstanding.

Rico's not interested in me.

Well, he seemed pretty into you last night.

Huh, yeah, but that's before she talked.

Come on, we are not interested in your men at all.

Not at all. I mean, come on.

What's that mean?

You're saying something's wrong with them?

No, she's not saying that it's just...

It's just what?

We're lovers.

You two are lovers? 'cause you don't seem...

We don't seem what? Gay?

No. Hot enough.

[scoffs] Well...

Not hot at all.

I know, right?

Look busy, keep your eyes open.

I think we're in the belly of the beast.

You talkin' about me?

(both) No.

(Caroline) Max, what do you think's behind that locked door?

I knew it! Toddler slaves.

Those kids are in horrible danger of becoming... me.

Come on, let's go over there.

What the... You hit me!

Sorry, so sorry. Accident!

You throw like a girl.

See, I knew it, you two aren't gay.

Yous are after our guys!

No, I'm not! Rico just thought I was really, really, really pretty.

Oh, hell no! Leave my lover alone!

Oh!

It's on!

(Caroline) [whimpers] No! No!

It's... no, no, no, no, no! It's not on.

This is silly. We're not after anyone.

We're here to help some of those work...

Oh, yeah. Now, it's on!

Oh! I warn you!

[both whimpering]

Oh, hell no!

Back off, bitch!

Who you calling bitch, bitch?

Honey? You're getting carried away.

[whimpers]

Now you're really getting carried away.

Oh, no! Don't put me in the dryer!

I used to be rich, I'm dry clean only!

[strains]

(both) Oh! Oh!

That was a big friggin' mistake!

Respect.

You two are a lot tougher than those girls from Saint Bridget's.

Whoa, whoa, whoa! What's happening?

We're busting you. We know what's happening here.

What, profit sharing and healthcare?

We found a note in our box with "help us" scrawled on it.

How do you explain that?

Did you read the back?

Heh heh heh.

"help us..

"help you... to your full potential at American Ace"

We put one in every box we ship.

I have got to start reading more than the first sentence of stuff.

I'm sorry, this is all my fault.

I guess I just wanted to believe some kids were having a worse childhood than I was.

Max, don't feel bad. You thought someone needed help, and you cared, and that makes you a good person, and I'm proud of you.

I said I was sorry. You don't have to be mean.

Hey, everybody!

I just got my first shipment of wigs.

Sophie, why are you walking like that?

Well, I'm not just the president, I'm also a client.

Sophie, I think you dropped something, Unless we have those giant Persian roaches again.

Even a milky version of that was too much.

You know, Max, maybe someday, someone like you will come into this Salmonella factory and rescue us.

What are you writing on those checks?

"Help us".

We work here. The "help us" is implied.