06x01 - American Dream Plan B

[bunniefuu]

It's beautiful.

So sweet.

So innocent.

So--

Trav, look out!

[ Thuds ]

Why do you keep doing that?

Once you and Laurie have a kid, you have to be ready for anything.

Now, if this were a real baby, it would be dead.

I'd like to think, if it were a real baby, you wouldn't fire it across the room.

Laurie: Jules, relax.

This baby is not coming anytime soon.

I mean, you can't even tell that I'm pregnant yet.

Mm.

And the great news is... That's not gonna change.

[ Laughter ]

Oh, man, that's priceless.

Every first timer thinks that somehow she'll defy the odds and keep her figure.

By the time month eight rolls around...

Fe, fi, fo, fum.

What? Fat.

[ Laughter ]

Even pregnant, the Keller girls always hang on to their bods.

Okay, my cousin Tina kept it so tight, she didn't even know she was knocked up until she dropped a set of trips in the movie-theater snack line, hence their names Mike, Ike, and Goobers.

All right.

10 bucks a head says that, by month eight, I am still rocking these tight-ass dresses.

[ Whining ] I hate everything!

Whatever. [ Laughs ]

No way!

I miss you more.

Is he talking to Bobby?

Blue polo, really cool shorts.

What are you wearing?

Either that or he's having an affair.

Please let it be an affair.

Bobby says "Hey" from Georgia.

He's doing really great in this golf tournament.

Yesterday, he hit three birdies.

[ Gasps ]

He meant the golf kind, right?

[ Door opens and closes ]

[ Imitating stomping ]

[ Stops imitating stomping ]

[ Resumes imitating stomping ]

Here comes the lovely mom-to-be.

What the hell is that supposed to mean?

You look beautiful.

You have a radiant glow, almost an angelic--

[ Thuds ]

Baby socks filled with nickels.

It's my go-to w*apon from juvie.

These are gonna be hitting the faces of anyone who pisses me off.

[ Whining ] Being pregnant sucks!

I'm gassy. I'm bloated.

Honey, you just got to focus on the finish.

You only have one more month.

Just four little weeks, 29 days, 696 hours, 41,000--

[ Clears throat ]

I remember when you were just a wee scamp.

And soon, you'll be a dad. [ Laughs ]

Who's all grown up?

You're all grown up! Ooh!

Grayson, I bet you look good in black.

Feels like a safe bet.

Brand-new Italian leather.

Got it for me, but, uh, it's a little big.

Probably wondering why I bought that.

Allow me to explain.

Just tell your stupid story, Tom.

I was feeling stagnant.

Wanted a new twist on "Classic" Tom.

So I tried a couple new looks, worked up a Scottish brogue.

[ Normal voice ] Even briefly flirted with a fu-manchu.

Then I realized what New Tom really needed.

Bacon?

Tom: A pet pig.

I got the idea from George Clooney.

I call him "Sniglet."

Sniglet the piglet.

Don't act like it's not adorable.

Plus, I-I remodeled my garage to this cool bar setup, so I figure we'll hang out here all the time.

I'm leaving, and I'm never coming back.

[ Chuckles ]

Whoa!

Was that expensive?

Uh, very.

You're not very good with your hands, are you?

No, my t-ball coach diagnosed me with a terminal case of the dropsies.

[ Chuckles ] Why?

A month from now, you're gonna be holding a fragile infant life in your hands.

Do you think it's gonna be a problem?

Babies' heads are soft.

[ Whining ] So hot, and there's nowhere to sit.

Why'd you make me come here, Jules?

To show you something.

You know, Laurie, there are a thousand terrible things about being super pregnant, but there's also one amazing thing.

Now, when a woman has this, she can do anything.

Ellie!

Show her how a pregnant woman gets a table.

Oh, no. Ohh.

Ohh. I'm sorry. I'm pregnant.

Oh. [ Exhales sharply ]

Oh, my gosh! That was amazing.

Ow. I can do stuff like that?

When I was super pregnant, I used to just walk into strangers' houses and take stuff.

I broke into a Little Debbie truck, ate my weight in Nutty Bars, and fell asleep on some Zebra Cakes.

Oh, hi.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I-- I'm really, really pregnant.

Yeah.

[ Chuckles ] Oh!

This is amazing!

Imaginary hat.

Imaginary maracas.

W-what are we doing?

So dumb.

"The Hulk isn't strong enough to b*at up Superman. But two Hulks? Perhaps."

Those are your thoughts.

'Cause you're a nerd.

Hey, what is it?

Can I be trusted with a kid?

What are you talking about?

I'm a total goof.

Crap reflexes, clumsy hands, zero coordination.

I'll clean that.

I actually get it. [ Chuckles ]

I remember the first time I held my daughter.

Yes, I have a daughter. I found out three years ago.

Her name is Tampa.

How come no one remembers that?

I visit her every weekend.

I have a phone filled with pictures.

Of your own abs?

Don't look at that. It's...

[ Chuckles ] The point is, I can help you.

We just need to boost your confidence with a little baby practice.

Congratulations, dad.

Tom: A word of caution.

Her favorite food is fingers.

[ Squeals ]

[ Chuckles ]

Mmm.

Woman: What do you think you're doing?

Pretty much anything I want... officer... ma'am.

First, I get stripped of my pregnancy powers, and now I have to pay a citation.

All right, I got this. It's fine.

I am miserable.

Okay, I can't sleep, I pee when I sneeze, I've got so many tiny little stretch marks on my ass that it's starting to look like a diagram of the Japanese alphabet.

I have that, too.

Honey, we're all here for you.

No, you're not! And I'm suffering alone!

And worst of all, I can't do that.

I can't drink.

And it just makes me so mad that I want to--

You know what?

All right, wait. I can fix this.

Until you have your baby, none of us will drink.

You would do that for me?

Yes?

Jules. Aww!

I just can't believe that you guys are giving up wine to support me.

Well, Laurie, that's what friends do.

They support each other.

Oh...

No matter what.

[ Door opens and closes ]

Jules, I adore you, and I love how devoted you are to your friends.

That being said, this idea is horse crap!

I'm with Tom.

"Things Ellie never says." Am I right?

All right, guys, I know this is gonna suck.

But we have to do this for her. She needs us.

Rotten, stinking horse crap.

[ Sighs ]

All right, I repeat. We're doing this for our friend.

How are we gonna go a whole month without wine?

Cheating.

[ Gasps ]

Listen, we just need a place where we won't get caught, a place that no one will look for us, a place so utterly detestable that no sane person would ever consider going there.

What brings you guys to my place?

You know, instead of pouring it out, you could just not drink it.

Are you wearing a babybjorn?

Dad practice. Got to go.

For a new dad, danger is everywhere.

I'm gonna open your mind to that danger and teach you... to see.

Gulfhaven is a system, Trav.

Whoa. Hey!

And that system is your enemy.

Look around. What do you see?

Teachers? Lawyers?

People with so much on their minds that they are oblivious to you.

You have to understand that these people are so hopelessly consumed with their own lives they will walk straight through you and never realize that you are holding a child.

Were you listening to me, Trav?

Or were you looking at the man in the red suit?

I was--

Look again.

Aah!

Free taco at Señor Casa.

Thank you.

Why'd you do that?

[ Normal voice ] I want a taco.

Tom, if we're gonna drink here, we can't get caught.

What are our defenses?

Uh, well, my garage is completely soundproof.

Terrifying. Continue.

A-and over there, we could use a secret knock.

Wakow!

Um, it's just like a speakeasy.

Which is why we should wear '20s gear.

Tom.

This is the coolest you've ever been.

Yeah!

Not necessarily a compliment.

Okay.

Is this place always this lame?

I don't remember it sucking this much.

Ugh. I'll tell you what I don't miss-- wine.

Honey, are you holding an imaginary glass?

[ Chuckling ] No.

These are just my, um-- my Lego guy hands.

Oh!

You know? Yep.

I love that.

Right? [ Clicks tongue ]

Yeah.

Look, the days do get long without the wine, but you find ways to pass the time.

Rubber-band balls, you know, seeing how high you can count, following Tom on Twitter.

It's just so amazing that you are doing this with me.

Giving up wine for a whole month?

Maybe more!

I mean, if this baby is late, it could be, like, five weeks.

One day over and I will pull that baby out myself!

I'm just kidding. God! [ Chuckles ]

Well, I better go to the bathroom.

Silly.

Okay.

This is Berries, and I'm on a toot.

One more jorum and we're a half-seas over!

[ Knock on door ]

Hello, Jules!

[ Sighs ] Damn it, Tom.

Jules, how'd you find us?

Turns out that Bobby doesn't know how to text and think at the same time.

"Hey, J-Bird. How's that secret bar in Tom's garage? Oh, wait. Jules doesn't know about that. sh**t. I better not press 'send.'"

He tries so hard, bless his heart.

Ellie: You have a choice.

You can either crush us, or you can join us.

Give in to the grape.

Never.

Submit.

I made a promise.

Break it.

I won't.

You're weak.

I'm strong!

Oh.

No?

Ohh.

What was that?

[ Slurps ]

Wow.

[ Deep voice ] Gulfhaven Plaza-- a normal day, a normal scene.

Nothing to fear here, right?

Wrong!

Didn't let me answer.

I was gonna say "Wrong".

[ Normal voice ] Oh, okay. Partial credit.

[ Deep voice ] Hidden baby danger is everywhere.

A dad must be able to find it.

So, tell me--

What do you see?

I don't know. People shopping.

[ Normal voice ] Shopping? Come on, man.

You've got a child. You need to focus.

[ Deep voice ] Now, what do you see?

I just see the plaza.

I'm sorry. I can't do this.

[ Normal voice ] - No, no, no.

Just-- Trav, Trav, Trav. L-listen to me, okay?

Look, in a few weeks, this won't be a pig.

It will be a child.

And that child's gonna need you to keep it safe.

Okay, so, now imagine you're holding your baby.

And look out there now and tell me...

[Deep voice] What do you see?

[ Dramatic music plays ]

Texting jogger.

Bad skater.

Shaky ladder.

Dog off a leash.

And a waiter who misjudged his ability to handle too many glasses.

[ Glass breaks ]

Oh!

I did it.

I can see.

[ Laughs ]

Whoa. Where's your baby, Trav?

My baby!

My baby! I lost my baby!

No, he's... His baby is a pig.

Uh, no. An actual pig.

Not a child that's so ugly we don't need to find it.

I didn't...

Excuse me.

[ Sighs ]

I feel like I've completely betrayed someone I love.

On the other hand, secret wine bar!

[ Laughter ]

[ Knock on door ]

G-Man!

You guys are running a speakeasy?

You can be mad, or you can drink.

Oh, okay.

[ Chuckles ] Mmm!

Oh, so, Tom.

What might a fella do, hypothetically, to track down a tiny, helpless, missing baby pig?

You lost sniglet? [ Sighs ]

I can't believe it.

A minute ago, everything was great.

I was Mr. Popular, Dr. Fun, Tweeting out bar pics.

Everyone thought I was cool.

Mnh-mnh.

Wait a minute, Tom.

You've been Tweeting pictures of this?

Yeah. So?

Oh, hey, guys.

[ Coins clinking ]

[ Thuds heavily ]

Nickel socks!

We're trapped!

Laurie, let's talk about this.

No more talking.

[ Grunts ]

[ Mid-tempo 1920s-style music plays ]

[ Groans ]

[ Groans ]

[ Groans ]

[ Groans ]

[ Glass shatters ]

[ Sobbing ] Please!

They made me do it!

You wouldn't hurt Old Tom, would you?

I can't believe I lost my baby.

What does that say about me as a dad?

Should've worn a condom. [ Chuckles ]

I can get the pig back.

What?

[ Sighs ]

But after I do this, we are never to speak of it.

I grew up on a farm. It's something you pick up.

We know.

Fine. Who cares?

Soo-o-o-ey!

[ Imitates pig squealing, snorting ]

My baby!

[ Squeals ]

Looky!

Not one word.

Now for you.

You have every right to be mad.

The nickel as*ault felt a little excessive.

You said that you could fix this.

Well, I was wrong.

I can't fix it, Laurie. Nobody can.

You're eight months' pregnant, and that just sucks.

I'm sorry that you are suffering right now, but that's just the way it is.

You're gonna have to put on a brave face and power through this because that's what it means to be a mom.

Tough love from Jules.

Maybe it's what I needed.

I'm sorry I've been so whining and miserable.

[ Exhales deeply ] Jules to the rescue, as always.

Mom, we'd be totally helpless without you.

Laurie: We're just so lucky that you're always there to fix everything.

And, I mean, we know that if there's something that we can't handle with this kid, we can always lean on you.

[ Snorts ]

Hey.

Hey.

You okay?

Yeah.

I just-- I need some air.

Wine isn't as good without the fear of being caught.

Where's the rush?

Look at the little piggle.

Andy: Hey, you found your pig baby.

So, how'd your training go?

Pretty good, actually.

Grayson taught me to see like a dad, so...

Dime eyes? What does he know?

Oh, wait. He has a kid.

Hey. You guys seen Jules?

No.

Where'd she go, and who's she with?

I mean, we're all here, Laurie's gone home to rest, and, well, we don't like anybody else.

[ Chuckles ] Is she alone?

No. Jules hates to be alone.

Oh, unless...

I totally forgot he had a kid.

Mm-hmm.

[ Gasps ] Hey, whatever happened to Barb?

I figured that this was a good place to be alone.

Wow, you look spooked.

Is this about Trav and Laurie?

Well, that and I looked inside Bobby's cooler.

Spiders?

Fighting a scorpion.

Ooh.

Okay, go ahead. One peek.

[ Laughing ] That's so awesome.

Look at them. Like, "I'm gonna get you."

"No, you're not. I--"

[ Lid shuts ]

Lay it on me.

I'm totally here for you, babe.

Those two lean on me for everything.

And if they can't handle it, I'm gonna be the one raising the baby.

It was really hard the first time, and I was younger then.

I can't imagine being 40 and having an infant.

You're not 40.

Did that feel helpful?

No. I have no idea why I said it.

[ Sighs ] Look, Jules.

Whatever happens here, you're not gonna be alone.

Although I might not be an expert, I have picked up a few parenting tricks along the way and--

Do not tell me you forgot I have a kid.

[ Scoffs ] No.

No, I totally remember, um...

Tampa.

That she lives in Tampa, right.

[ Chuckles ]

[ Inhales sharply ] Look, Jules.

There's a good chance you're right about Trav and Laurie, but there's also a chance that they step up and surprise all of us.

I mean, think about it.

Where you ready to be a mom when you got pregnant?

I took my pregnancy test in the bathroom at Wrestlemania.

Right, but now you've moved on from your completely insane life, and, well, you've become the best mom I know.

Okay?

So whatever we have to do to make this work, I promise you... we will, Jules.

Mm.

I hope so.

Is there anything that would cheer you up right now?

♪ show me where the love has gone ♪

Super-pregnant dance party.

Whoo!

♪ try to leave my heart alone ♪

All: ♪ super-pregnant dance party ♪

[ Chuckles ]

I love you so much.

Are you talking to me or Skyping with Bobby?

Uh-huh.

Mm-hmm.

[ Smooches ]

♪ I'm gonna tell you how I feel ♪

It's ridiculous.

I'm down for a little PDA, but this is too much.

[ Smooches ]

[ Gasps, smooches ]

Okay, I think you're good on kisses for now.

You're gonna see her next weekend.

Okay. Bye-bye, sweetheart.

Bye.

Say "Bye."

Tampa: Bye.

Tom: That's a cute kid.

Yeah, she really is.

How do you uh... know her?