04x01 - Episode One

[bunniefuu]

[Typing]

You had a script that was going around back then.

It was all anyone talked about.

We are not looking to do another show here.

CBS wants in.

That's three networks.

Well, only one is getting it.

This is fun.

We have spent a year feeling absolutely powerless.

As soon as we say yes to one of those f*ckers, we're right back there.

But if we go now, with all of them fighting over us, that's as good as it gets in this town.

I also heard about Matt LeBlanc getting that big pilot over at NBC.

What?

Have we officially cancelled Pucks!?

Uh, no.

Pick it up for six more.

You hate Pucks!

I hate NBC more.

Are you f*cking kidding me?

They can't do that. We were cancelled.

What does "not officially" mean?

Hard to believe that yesterday we were sitting in traffic on the 405.

Hmm.

It's an L.A. number.

Don't answer it.

Oh, dear God, don't answer it.

[Ringing continues]

[Typing]

[Ding]

[Wind blowing]

[Upbeat music]

♪ ♪

[g*nsh*t]

[Typing]

[Ding]

Bloody ridiculous.

Utter bullshit.

Reason for entering the country?

Matt LeBlanc.

I threw away my I.D. I'm here for Pucks!

I thought that was dead.

Yeah, well, it's risen. Like Jesus.

If Jesus was a shitty sitcom no one watched.

[Sighs]

m*therf*cker.

Okay.

Anything you'd like to say first?

Uh...

We wrote this on the plane back.

It's not very good.

It's not.

All righty then.

Uh, page one.

"Interior locker room."

Words I thought I'd never say again.

"Lyman enters."

Now the good news is I shuffled some stuff around, and I got you your old office back.

Really?

No one snatched it up.

Even better, Wendy was still available.

So you don't have to start with someone from scratch.

Huh?

And with one word, it all comes rushing back.

[Phone rings]

Yo.

Matt, Sanford Shamiro.

Hey, what's up?

I don't know if you heard the news about Larry Penzel.

What news?

I'm afraid it's not good.

No?

Larry k*lled himself last night.

Holy sh*t.

I know. It's unbelievable.

Arlene called me this morning.

Evidently, he hanged himself in his garage.

Oh, my God.

Heartbreaking.

[Mouthing words]

His daughter found him. She's only nine.

Jesus.

Anyway the funeral's tomorrow if you want to go.

Well, I guess I should.

He's been my money guy since I got money.

I'll text you the information.

And I'm sorry to be the bearer of bad news.

[Horn honks]

[Mouths words]

Very upsetting.

I know.

[Phone rings]

[Ringing continues]

You want me to get that?

Yes, that hasn't changed!

Sean and Beverly's office.

Eileen Jaffee on one.

Hello.

Hi, guys. Welcome back.

Did you get my basket?

Uh, I don't think so.

Wendy, did we get a basket?

What?

A basket.

A gift basket.

From Eileen Jaffee.

Yeah.

Can we see it?

Not from there.

Apparently we did get it.

Thanks so much.

I'm just happy you guys are back.

Anyway, while I've got you, now don't bite my head off...

Yes?

The opposite of us.

I hope you can breathe through your neck.

[Chuckles]

I still have three networks clamoring for it.

Clamoring.

They never clamor.

Well, they can clamor all they like.

I just don't want you to look back someday and kick yourselves.

There's a lot of money on the table here.

All I need is for you to say "go."

Say "go" and I will make it happen.

Just say it.

Just say "go".

No.

Oh, my God!

He said "no".

Oh.

It sounded so much like "go".

I'll have the nicoise salad.

Yeah, give me the chopped chicken thing with the artichokes. It's not on the menu.

Just tell the chef it's for me.

Very good.

[Giggles]

So have you been away?

You look tan.

It's jaundice.

What?

Jaundice. There's something screwed up with my liver.

They don't know. They're running tests.

Oh, my God.

Well, hopefully it's nothing serious.

I'm yellow.

Right.

Well, on you it looks good.

Ha. Anyway, uh...

Thank you so much for making the time.

We haven't really talked since castor left.

Did you know they found a loaded g*n in his drawer?

Jesus! A loaded g*n?

And an Etch a Sketch. Remember Etch a Sketch?

Sure.

Well, at least you can't k*ll someone with an Etch a Sketch.

You probably can.

Mm.

Anyway, I wanted to talk about the job.

I should never have turned it down.

I've regretted it ever since.

I'll bet. [Chuckles]

[Chuckles]

Well, I hope now you'll reconsider me.

Okay.

I think we need someone strong.

Someone with energy, with experience.

No question.

Also, this network has never had a woman in that job.

Don't you think it would... what about Helen Basch?

Uh, wow.

Helen's great, obviously.

But I was thinking...

No, I know, you were saying you.

But Helen Basch, come on.

She's got a hell of a track record.

Well, sure.

We need someone who can turn this mess around.

She's done it before.

No, totally. It's a great idea.

I know.

I just, uh...

I'd be shocked if we could get her.

I mean, why would Helen Basch want to leave...

'cause I'll throw a shitload of money at her.

That should do it.

Helen Basch.

I'm excited.

Me too.

Love it.

[Chuckles]

The minute he said "Helen Basch,"

I knew, that's it, I'm dead.

I mean, Helen Basch.

Trust me, I am out on my ass.

Which is looking very firm, by the way.

Does it?

Hmm.

Are you just being nice?

Does that sound like me?

Eh.

You'll see, if she takes the job, no way she's gonna keep me.

Which is exactly what you said about Castor, and look how well that turned out.

Yeah, well, this is different.

How so?

Okay, don't judge me.

[Chuckling] Oh!

I think that ship sailed long ago.

When I first started out, I worked in daytime drama over at ABC.

Mm.

And I, um...

I kind of had a thing with my boss.

Really? Your boss?

That's so unexpected and out of character.

[Mocking] Meh, meh, meh, meh, meh, meh, meh, meh, meh.

All right.

So you're having an affair with your boss in daytime drama, fittingly.

Then his stupid wife found out.

His stupid wife being...

You got it!

Oh!

She went nuts.

Made him break up with me.

Made him fire me.

So not so stupid.

I see her all the time now at industry things.

Ooh, that sounds like fun.

Know what, it's actually fine.

She acts like nothing happened.

But come on, I broke up her marriage.

You think she's gonna want me as her number two?

Well, she hasn't said yes yet.

There's still hope.

Just in case, I've already started looking.

Really?

Yeah!

I gotta cover my ass.

You really think it looks good?

By the way, where are we?

You'll see.

So when you're having an affair with these married men, is there any sense of... danger?

I was gonna say remorse.

Oh.

All right, this is it.

What do you think?

I hate this city.

Okay.

[Somber music]

I saw him, like, two weeks ago.

We had a tax meeting.

He seemed fine.

That is death in a nutshell.

Hmm.

Heartbreaking.

Oh, I know.

Turnout.

Hm.

Where's Tim Allen?

Where's Phylicia Rashad?

They were with him longer than me.

Why aren't they here?

Obviously, they're not as forgiving as you.

What's that mean?

Seriously, you didn't see the paper today?

Why, am I in it?

Unfortunately.

What?

The FBI's been investigating him for stealing money from his clients.

Larry?

Apparently Demi Lovato had him audited.

That's how they found out.

Are you sh1tting me?

Why do you think he, uh...

Jesus Christ.

That's why nobody's here.

Frankly, I'm surprised Arlene came.

How much did you have with him?

What do you mean, how much? All of it.

Oh, sh*t.

Maybe some of it's left.

Some of it?

I'll make some calls after, find out the specifics.

Or I'll make some calls now.

This is crazy.

He used to say he thought of me as family.

He also wiped out his sister Zoey, and she's actually family.

f*ck!

Hey, don't you have your money with him?

Eh, I dumped Larry six years ago.

I just didn't have a good feeling.

Thanks for the heads-up.

Wouldn't have been professional.

Is he in?

Sanford Shamiro.

m*therf*cking son of a bitch.

May he rest in peace.

Whose side are you on?

We are all experiencing a range of emotions today.

Sadness over the loss of someone so gifted and loving.

Confusion over the choices that he made.

Ask him about the equity account in the boys' names.

He wants to know about the equity account in the boys' names.

Remind me.

Aiden and Michael.

Aiden and Michael.

[Rabbi continues in background]

No, that's gone too.

God damn it.

How about the...

I'm gonna put you on with him.

Okay, there's a fixed income management account.

I forget the company, it's three letters.

Yeah, that's it.

Oh, come on.

[Somber music]

♪ ♪

Well, it's gone.

Just f*cking gone.

Unbelievable.

You had no idea the whole time?

Right, obviously. Sorry.

It's heartbreaking.

You trusted him all those years.

Up until about 11:30 today.

You must feel so betrayed.

I don't know what I feel.

It's like, I don't know...

I've never been r*ped.

Well, don't look at me. I've never been r*ped.

What?

I don't know... boarding school?

Ugh.

It's like the bottom just dropped out.

Like my whole life after today is...

[Sighs]

I don't know what I'm gonna do.

I know it's a meaningless cliché, but it is just money.

You still have your health, your children.

No, you're right.

It's a meaningless cliché.

How did this f*cking happen?

I don't deserve this.

I'm a good person.

I don't know that it's about good or bad per se.

You go along thinking everything's great.

I mean, not the stupid show.

Sure.

Right.

Then you wake up one day, and half your money's gone.

Just... just gone.

Wait, I'm sorry. Say what?

What?

You said half?

Half your money's gone?

Yeah.

Oh.

You made it sound like he took everything.

Didn't you think?

I did, yeah.

Well, if it's not everything...

He stole $32 million from me.

It's insane. Unbelievable.

No, that's a ridiculous amount of money, of course.

But you still have...

Uh, a little over 31.

What?

Nothing.

What?

Um...

I don't want to diminish what you're going through in any way...

But?

But it does seem slightly less...

Dire.

I lost $32 million.

Absolutely.

But the good news is you still have 31.

But the bad news is I lost 32.

Right, I get it.

I don't think you do.

To be clear, I lost 32 million f*cking dollars.

Yeah, no, that's an unbelievable lot.

I mean, it's inconceivable just... but you still have 31.

I swear to God...

Listen to me, you have suffered a terrible, terrible loss.

You think?

But you will be all right.

[Scoffs]

You will!

You can have a very nice life, even with as little as $31 million.

I... I don't see how.

Let's say you never make another dime.

You can still live on a million dollars a year.

No, you could live on a million dollars a year.

I'm sure I could.

So a million a year.

That means I'd have to die before I'm 80.

I wouldn't worry about that.

[Knock at door]

Yeah? What?

Matt, we're ready to sh**t.

Fine, let's do this f*cking thing.

Are you sure you're up for this?

Why not?

I'd say you're significantly drunk.

Pssh, you've never seen me drunk.

You vomited on me.

I don't recall that.

How are we only now finding out people think this is r*cist?

Research has had this title for six months.

I still think it's clever.

Apparently America disagrees with you.

Only 46%.

I'm sorry, why is it r*cist?

I mean, it's not like we called it "White and Wong."

I still like that one.

Maybe I don't know what r*cist is.

Oh, my God, have you guys heard?

Where did you run from?

My office. It's news. I'm breathless.

We just hired Helen Basch.

Definitely?

Mm-hmm.

Yeah, it says starting next week.

"A major get for the failing network."

Oh, my God, Helen Basch.

She's supposed to be fantastic.

[Overlapping chatter]

Seriously?

What?

You're not really bringing that onto the stage?

Why not?

You reek of professionalism.

32 million!

So I took him to the vet, and, you know, they said it's cancer.

So $3,000 later, you know, he's still dying, so...

Yeah.

At first they think it's feline AIDS, which, you know, would have been a blessing.

But it's cancer, so that's it.

Rehearsal up!

Listen, Matt is a little...

And I suspect he's not gonna get any less so.

No.

So we should probably skip the rehearsal and sh**t this as soon as we can.

Okay, just give us a few minutes to finish lighting, okay?

[Clattering]

My bad.

Are you f*cking kidding me?

What?

We're really gonna sh**t with him like this?

He'll be fine.

Oh, yeah?

Have you smelled his big gulp?

It's like 30 ounces of rehab.

There are extenuating circumstances.

Look, I get that he lost all his money.

Half.

Half?

Thank you.

But you know what, there's still no excuse.

You don't show up for work like this.

I have been in this business for almost fourt... forever.

And I have never seen this kind of behavior.

I'll tell you, if an actor showed up like this on Kelly Girl...

On what?

Does no one remember my f*cking show?

I do.

[Sighs]

Look, I realize nobody's ever gonna see these shows, but can we at least pretend this matters.

I had to give up a pilot for this sh*t.

The least he can do is set an example.

It's called a f*cking work ethic.

What's going on?

Hi, boo.

We were just talking about you.

I was saying in all the years I've been doing this, I've never seen a work ethic like yours.

[Belches]

Anyway, sorry about the Larry Penzel thing.

Jesus.

Ugh, tell me.

You know, Larry was my money guy for years.

Was?

Oh, I got out a while ago.

I don't know, I just had a feeling.

God damn it!

Am I the only one who didn't have a feeling?

Jesus f*cking Christ.

What am I supposed to do?

I got three g*dd*mn alimonies to pay.

This is worse than when I had ball cancer.

Well, if it makes you feel any better, Matt LeBlanc lost 32 million.

Oh.

Huh.

May I just say...

Hmm?

Eating your feelings is not the answer.

Oh, I finished my feelings a long time ago.

I'm eating your feelings now.

Look, um, I know you don't wanna hear this, but you are still a very wealthy man.

Mm, I don't wanna hear it.

I'm sorry, but you still have thirty...

Don't say 31. Don't say 31.

Let me ask you something.

Mm.

Have you ever considered the option of smaller bites?

Mm.

Let me ask you a question.

What if you lost half your money?

It's totally different.

Why? How much do you guys have?

[Both laugh] I'd rather not say.

Told you how much I have. Come on, just ballpark.

No.

It's in pounds.

I won't even know what it means.

Let's just say it's a lot less than 31 million.

Well, I figured that.

So, like, what, 10?

10? No!

5?

It's none of your business!

I'm talking combined.

The two of you combined have less than 5?

We're not telling you.

Okay, stop me when I'm close. 4.

3?

2?

Stop.

Okay, so you have 2.

No, just stop.

Come on, you gotta have at least 2.

You had a hit show.

In England.

It's still a country.

Christ, less than 2?

1?

Oh, my God, less than 1?

Do you need money?

No, we don't need money.

I am very concerned for you.

Thank you. We're fine.

You're not fine.

You got no money.

You need security.

You're not that young.

Younger than you.

Really? How old are you?

None of your business.

More than 40?

All right, you're drunk, and this conversation is over.

Yes, I am, and, no, it's not.

You... you got no savings.

You want the lights to still go on when you're 70?

You should be worried.

Very worried.

What?

Should we be worried?

No!

You're taking financial advice from a man who is literally sloshing while he walks.

Still...

Sweetheart, 31 million isn't enough for him.

You know what isn't enough? Less than 1.

Maybe we should think about doing the other thing.

Darling, don't... what other thing?

That script everyone wants.

How is that even a question?

Will you please stay out of this?

No, do it. Cash in.

Stop following us.

You think it's always gonna be like this?

Oh, sure, television writers.

When you get old, that's when the big bucks start rolling in.

Don't let him do this.

We have never worried about money.

Which is why you don't have any.

Are we being stupid?

Yes!

No!

No money is worth going through this again.

I don't know.

Slow down!

Why are you still here?

All right, I'll say one thing, and then I'll drop it.

I bet you don't.

Hi, Matt.

You... uh... mm... let's say you never sell another show.

You don't make any more after this.

How you gonna live?

What are you gonna do?

Go home, open a little shop...

Selling jokes?

[English accent] Jokes. I've got jokes.

Joke, sir? Penny for a joke.

Bloody hell!

I'm serious.

My grandfather was still driving a laundry truck two days before his funeral.

You wanna retire someday?

You gotta make your money now.

Okay, money, fine. But not here.

Here is where you make the money.

What's the matter?

It was too hard?

They changed your little show?

They don't respect your talent?

That's why they pay you so much!

Stop talking. Ooh... ahh!

Did you just lick me? He licked me!

Calm down.

You're a monster!

Yeah, well, sometimes the monster is right.

Don't be stupid.

Call your agent.

Sell your show. Make the money.

I'm sorry.

The monster is right.

Sean Lincoln on one.

Hi, honey.

It's... Go.

Oh, my God!

I made up the part about my grandfather.

[Upbeat music]

♪ ♪