04x03 - She Loves Me, She Loves Me Note

[bunniefuu]

Hey. Hey, don't judge me.

When you learn to wash a dish, I'll get off the bottle.

Morning.

Man, I did not sleep at all last night.

No, I do not need to hear about your amazing sex life over my bagel.

"I'm Ben. I have a girlfriend now. I stay up all night doing it"

Okay, first of all, baby. Second of all, Riley slept at her place. And third of all, I do not sound like that.

Wait... So, I had a baby in my room all night that wasn't mine for no reason whatsoever?

Yeah, thanks, bro.

I've just had a lot on my mind.

Hey, what do you think about Danny and Riley?

Well, he sucks up food like a hoover, and she can be a bit bossy, but for the most part, I'm a fan.

No. No, I mean, do you think there's something going on between them?

Um...

B-b-between Riley and Danny?

N-no, man.

Dude, it's not like he's been in love with her his whole life, and then finally realized he'd never have her, so he's running away to Paris with Georgie.

(Laughs)

'Cause, uh, that would be... that would be crazy.

But, you didn't see what happened on the roof?

There was hugs, and tears, and what came very close to a kiss.

Dude, they're best friends, okay?

Just think how you'd react if I told you I was moving.

Um... I don't think I'd kiss you.

You don't know that.

Look, if you're so worried, why don't you just go talk to her?

Oh, yeah, right.

"Hey, Riley. I'm your crazy, jealous boyfriend.

Do you have any feelings for my brother?"

See? See, you do sound like that!

I told you.

You know what?

I don't care what you say, okay?

There's definitely something weird going on around here.

Morning, boys.

Bonnie's babysitting barn is open for business.

You birth 'em, we nurse 'em.

Have your baby cared for by a licensed professional.

License pending.

(Imitates small expl*si*n)

Nope.

Nothing weird going on here.

(Theme music playing)

♪ It's amazing how the unexpected ♪

♪ can take your life and change direction ♪

Okay, one, two, three, four...

Five, six.

Good, you're all here.

Oh, sh**t. I forgot how many I started out with.

Mom, we have a strict "no baby" policy in here.

You know, unless they show up on the doormat with my DNA and a note.

I'm sorry, honey.

Just trying to earn a little extra cash, and I can only sell my blood twice a month.

Or quit drinking.

And that's not gonna happen.

Hey, can I borrow a diaper?

Hey, whatever happened to your big realty job?

It's fine. It's fine. It's great.

You know, I just haven't sold quite as many apartments as I thought I would have.

Are you gonna use all this baby food?

Okay. You know, plus, now that Danny is selfishly running away to pursue his dreams, it is really putting a damper on my memorabilia business.

Oh, you mean your "secretly selling his hockey stuff behind his back" business?

Are you accusing me of stealing?

Pretty much.

Yeah. Yeah, that business.

Bonjour!

Salut, mon amour.

Tu est tres...

(In French accent) Adorable...

I suppose Danny taught you how to say that?

No, actually, my 10th grade French teacher did, which...

Is a whole other story.

But I did bring some croissants to put him in the mood.

For love?

No, for Paris.

Ugh, I'm so jealous.

Of Georgie?

Again, no.

But has anybody seen the real Ben?

This one's broken.

Oh, good, you're all here.

Pretty cool, huh?

Georgie bought it for me before she left.

How do I look?

Like the reason French people hate us.

Ooh-la-la, what do we have here?

Another hidden love note from mon girlfriend.

It means girlfriend.

I don't know what "mon" means.

She's been secretly leaving them all over the place.

Well, I think it's romantic.

She's a lucky girl, that Georgie.

Yeah, she sure is.

I mean, who wouldn't fall in love with Danny Wheeler?

Can you think of anyone else who has?

Anyone at all?

Okay, seriously, has anyone seen Ben?

Kinda scruffy, says things like, "hey, babe, what's up?"

Why does everyone think I sound like that?

Uh, Ben? Ben, can I talk to you for a second?

Out here, where nobody can hear us.

About that problem that we need to talk about.

In private.

What problem?

You, man.

It took Riley two decades to get you, and it's gonna take her two days to dump you.

Dude, she loves you.

She wants to be with you.

God knows, I have no idea why, but she does!

You know what's missing from this pep talk?

The pep!

Okay, you're right.

I'm an idiot. There's obviously nothing going on between Riley and Danny.

So, I just wanted to apologize for the other night on the roof.

Kinda caught me by surprise.

Oh, no need to apologize. I shouldn't have sprung it on you like that.

Oh, no, no, no, no. It had just been a really emotional day.

The big "I love Ben" announcement.

And you really do, right?

Oh my God, yes! So much!

And you really love Georgie, huh?

Oh my God, yes.

So much.

I think we need to shut down the babysitting barn.

There was some kind of tinkle chain reaction in there.

Okay, if Ben asks about his bedspread, you haven't seen it, okay?

Okay.

Mom!

Dammit!

Oh, hey, tuck.

You're just in time to witness the magic that is Ben Wheeler, world's most amazing boyfriend.

And you're about to witness the magic that is Tucker Dobbs, world's least interested roommate.

I took a page from Georgie's playbook, and slipped a little love note into Riley's purse.

Her heart is going to melt like a grilled cheese sandwich.

But, not the kind we serve here, 'cause they're always cold in the middle.

Sucks, right?

Oh, here we go, people. (Snaps fingers)

Oh, darn it!

Tucker, go make her open her purse.

If I knew how to make women open things, do you think I'd be having lunch here right now?

I can't believe I'm getting on a plane tonight after that charity game, and tomorrow morning, I'll be in gay Paris.

I hope they're all cool that I'm straight.

Honey, you'll be fine.

Well, until you do leave, let's just spend as much quality time together as we can.

You know, keep those lines of communication open.

Aw, mom...

Or, we could just keep the chit-chat to a minimum, and you can sign these for those orphans I told you about.

So, Riley.

(Laughs nervously)

Riles.

Ri-ri.

(Laughs)

Hey, so, I was wondering if I could have a piece of gum from your purse.

Sorry, I just had the last piece.

Can I borrow your lip balm?

I'm out.

A pen?

Nope.

Breath mint?

Sorry.

A lighter?

Why do you need a lighter?

How about a quarter?

Oh...

So, this thing's pretty much for show, isn't it?

Hey!

Hey, is that Ben over there trying to get your attention?

What are you doing?

Oh...

Oh, so, you see a black man holding your purse, and suddenly he's doing something?

How could she not have found that note yet?

Because she didn't have bolt cutters to get into that purse.

Tucker, I poured my heart out in that note.

It contains my most intimate thoughts and feelings.

Wow.

That must have been a really long note.

Nah, it was just a couple of sentences.

Hello? It's me.

It's about time.

Danny, we need to talk.

I got your note.

Danny?

Quick question.

Did you sign it?

Danny?

How could she think Danny wrote her that note?

Oh, hey, Riley, what's going on?

We should probably let them know that we're out here, right?

Oh, no, no, no, no. I wanna hear every word.

No!

(Struggling)

Is something wrong?

We need to talk...

About the note.

Okay.

But you go first, 'cause I don't know what we're talking about.

Wait, you didn't...

(Thud)

(Struggling)

(Grunting and yelling)

Get off of... no, no...

What are you...

Hey! Hey. Hey.

I bet you guys didn't even know that we were out there.

(Laughs)

Hey, Riley. What's up, baby?

I don't want to stop your guys' conversation.

You guys were talking about a note?

Yes. Uh, right.

I was talking about the note that Danny sent me...

Yesterday...

On my phone.

Whh, I think, is sometimes called a text.

Yes, right, exactly.

Danny sent me a text note.

Uh, so, do you still need that ride to the airport?

Um, actually, I think I'm just gonna catch a cab.

Thanks, though.

Well, that's good.

'Cause I don't have a car.

So, all right.

That's taken care of.

Good. I gotta go. I am so...

Bye.

Heh.

See?

Now, don't you feel silly for overreacting?

(Chuckles)

I'm gonna go check the mail.

I already got the mail.

(Whispering) Riley, what the hell was that?

How could you possibly think that note was from Danny?

Well, I kind of heard a voice mail last year where he kind of said he had feelings for me, so I kind of thought the note was from him, trying to tell me before he left for Paris.

But... so, you know how Danny feels about you?

Yeah, kind of.

Wait... so, you know how Danny feels about me?

Yeah, kind of.

Tucker...

Wait, but you love Ben?

Yes! Oh my God, yes!

What is wrong with me?

That's a good question.

But here's a better one, right?

How did you get both of those guys to fall in love with you?

I mean, no offense, I'm just not seeing it.

Ma'am, Bonnie's memorabilia barn is dedicated to customer service.

No, I am so sorry that you haven't received your Jersey yet.

You know what? Let me transfer you to my supervisor, Mr. "click."

Hey, mom?

Yeah, honey.

Do you think Danny and Riley are in love with each other?

(Spits)

(Laughs)

What?

Danny and Riley?

No. No, honey.

There's no Danny and Riley.

No, they're just best friends.

I mean, you know, it's not like he's loved her his entire life, and then finally realized he can't have her, so he's running away to Paris with Georgie.

Because that would be crazy.

Hey! Hey, could you do me a favor?

And sleep in Danny's room while he's gone?

My new website, watch-Danny-Wheeler-sleep.Com, is really taking off.

Yeah, sure.

Wait, what?

Yeah, yeah. People pay $19.99 a month to watch Danny sleep.

If you use the coupon code "bonbon," you get 10% off.

Can we please focus on your other son for a moment?

I don't have another son.

Me, mom! Me!

Yes! Right, okay.

Yeah.

Yes, I am looking at you. I am focused.

What, what, what, what?

I'm almost sure there's something going on between them. And I'm going to prove it.

I wrote a little love note to Danny, signed Riley's name, and slipped it into his coat.

It's genius!

Yeah, I'm not sure you're using the word "genius" correctly.

Mom, don't you get it?

He's gonna find the note, and go straight to Riley.

Aha!

Yeah, I'm not sure you're using the word "aha" correctly.

Then, he'll tell her he found the note, she'll say "what note?" He'll say "the note you left in my pocket."

She'll say, "I didn't leave a note in your pocket."

Then she's gonna grab the note and read it.

And now for the big finale...

And she'll realize I wrote it, and...

She'll hate me for not trusting her.

And she'll dump me because I'm a jealous idiot, and I'll lose her forever.

Oh, good.

For a second there, I thought you weren't gonna get it.

Ugh. Voice mail again.

Georgie and I just keep missing each other.

Of course, it is tomorrow in Paris.

So, maybe my call hasn't gotten there yet?

Oh, I gotta get to the rink.

So... I guess, this is it.

For now.

You're not getting rid of me that easily.

Bye, Danny.

Bye.

Oh, hey, dude, I'm about to hop on the plane...

Yeah, catch you later.

Really?

Please tell me I did not just walk in on a secret rendezvous?

You can't keep putting me in the middle like this.

Tell me everything.

Whoa, it is just a goodbye dinner between friends.

I can't believe I lied to Ben.

You know, a relationship should be built on honesty.

So, you're gonna tell him the truth?

Oh my God, no.

Oh, Danny forgot his jacket.

Oh, I should totally wear this while he's gone.

This thing is a lady magnet.

Yeah, tuck. It's the jacket.

Oh.

Another love note from Georgie.

(Laughing)

(In British accent) "Dear Danny, "I just want you to know that you're the one that I really want.

Love, Riley."

"Love, Riley"?

Oh, hey. Forgot my jacket.

What's that?

Nothing!

(Muffled) I'm really gonna miss you.

Love? Riley, how could you?

What kind of sick and twisted person falls in love with one brother, and then pretends that she doesn't love the other brother, and then takes the first brother's heart and just crushes it, and then takes the brother that she didn't love, and... hold up, I got lost.

Give me that.

Ugh, I knew it!

Ben wrote this.

Look, look! I don't put little hearts over my "I's"... Anymore.

He is just the lowest of the low.

Ben is going to pay for this.

Ooh!

Oh, now I see it.

You're kinda hot when you're mad.

Shut up, Tucker.

Yeah, girl, keep it coming. Where you going?

Come on.

No Danny. Okay, perfect.

Watch Emma and keep an eye out while I look for that note.

Ooh.

I think Bonnie's memorabilia barn needs to branch out to full team sales.

I don't see it.

Well, you know what, just check his bag.

Man: Hey!

What the hell do you think you're doing?

Um, I was, um... I was just, uh...

Oh, hi, Bonnie, how are you?

Hey, Jim.

How's the sleep apnea?

Better.

What's with the...

Oh, um...

Oh my God, what's that guy doing?

Hey, you! What are you doing?

It's okay, I'm Danny Wheeler's brother. Tell him, mom.

Never seen him before in my life.

Mom!

Please, everybody knows I'm Danny's sister.

Don't give me that look.

I'm still the best role model you got, kid.

Wow. This is humbling.

Wheeler, caught this jerk going through your stuff. Says he's your brother.

Yeah, that's my brother.

Sorry.

Weird your sister didn't recognize you.

What are you doing here?

Why are you going through my stuff?

Could you maybe put some clothes on first, dude?

No. I'm actually showering.

It's easier to do naked.

Riley: Ben Wheeler!

Do not think that you can hide from me in here...

Oh my God, I'm so sorry.

Riley!

Hi.

Mrs. Wheeler?

Oh God!

What are you doing?

You don't get it.

They're after me.

Who's after you?

The creditors!

All I have left to sell is my hair and my virtue.

Oh, well, you could probably get something for your hair.

Here.

This is why I am here.

Care to explain it, Ben?

Oh, no...

Now we'll never know what it said.

It is a love note, Danny, from me to you, that Ben forged to see how you'd react.

What?

I didn't know what else to do.

I saw the two of you on the roof the other night.

And what did you see?

Two friends who were upset that they were gonna be apart?

Two friends who were worried about each other's future?

Well, yeah, that's one perspective.

It just seems like you have feelings for each other.

And you're right. We do.

We do? Oh, God.

Because that's what it means to have a best friend.

Right.

Yeah, Ben.

And if you would think for one second that I would go behind your back and steal a woman who has only loved you her entire life, then you don't know me at all.

I'm sorry, man.

I guess since I've lost everything else to you my whole life, I assumed I could lose Riley to you, too.

She's not a prize.

Actually...

You know, I kind of am.

Riley, maybe I was just jealous of how close you and Danny are.

I want to be the most special guy in your life.

How can you think that you weren't?

Okay, seriously, could you put a towel on or something?

Don't worry, I'm going...

To catch a plane to see the woman of my dreams.

A woman who loves me as much as Riley loves you.

Or... at least...

Did before this whole thing.

God, Riley, why do I keep screwing things up?

Well, if I knew the answer to that, I probably wouldn't be standing in the men's shower right now.

I feel like such a jerk.

I wouldn't blame you if you never wanted to talk to me again.

You know what? You're right.

I'm done talking to you.

You are?

(Both gasp)

(Laughing)

(Laughing)

Oh my God!

(Grunts)

Mrs. Wheeler?

Yeah, I'm okay, I'm okay.

You okay?

(Grunting)

Come on.

I can't...

Roll the other way! Roll the other way.

(Grunts loudly)

Okay.

Use your core!

I don't have a core!

Okay, give me your hand...

Sir, you're going to have to put that away.

We're getting ready to push back.

I just need to listen to this voice mail.

It's from my girlfriend. We're in love.

Okay. But hurry up.

Danny, it's me, Georgie.

I've been trying to reach you for days.

Sorry to do this over the phone.

But we need to talk before you get on the plane.

I think I've made a terrible mistake.

I don't think you should come to Paris.

Excuse me.

So, what do you say we make Uncle Danny's room into an Emma room?

Ooh, I know I like that idea.

Oh, did Emma get a job so she could pay rent?

Danny already paid his rent.

Yeah, you know that, and I know that.

But hans, the new roommate I got lined up, he don't know that.

Hello, roomies.

If anybody needs me, I'll be in the free bedroom.

As in, it's empty, and I'm not paying for it.

I sublet my apartment.

Oh, hell no!

Okay.

No, this is not gonna be happening.

Sorry, Tucker, I need this!

(Tucker yells)

I'm in!

(Door slams)

So, what do you want to do today?