01x05 - Completely Mad... Alena

[bunniefuu]

There it is.

Valencia.

How do you think this should go down?

Do you think I should save the kingdom and then rescue Madalena?

Or do you think I should rescue, then save?

'Cause I just want it to have a dramatic build, you know?

I mean, either way, we're all gonna live happily ever after.

Yep.

I'm sure that's exactly how it's going to be.

Especially the living part.

For you.

No reason why you wouldn't keep on living.

Your life. [Chuckles]

You know you're talking, right?

♪ I can't believe we're al-l-mo-o-st the-e-e-re ♪
♪ I can't believe he's al-l-mo-o-st here ♪

You're little Valencian princess is leading Galavant right into my trap.

He'll be here tonight as the sun has cast its last shadow upon the earth and the crescent moon is risen above the Eastern Ridge.

So, like 9:00?

[Sighs]

Yes, Gareth, he'll be here at 9:00.

And I cannot wait!

I will k*ll Galavant in front of the queen, surprise her with the jewel, and then finally bed the most delicate flower in the seven realms.

Attention, donkey turds!

Where is that pox-ridden sack of deformities known as my hand maiden?

My hair is a disaster.

Gwynne?

My hair!

Forgive me, My Queen.

Was that too much to ask?

[Scoffs]

Just think about it, hmm?

We could, uh, we could do a picnic, you know?

Something super cazh.

For the hundredth time, no.

Your mouth is saying no, but I can see your rotten teeth through that smile.

Go on, you!

She's going to be so surprised!

No, she's not because you keep doing that stupid "evil king whisper" thing that everyone can hear.

How about this?

Lower.

[Deep voice] How about this?

Oh, please.

[Normal voice] Oh, come on. That was good.

For God's sakes, Gareth. You're allowed to laugh.

What are you two yabbering about?

Nothing, darling. Nothing going on.

That's right. There is nothing going on.

I've been waiting for you to find that jewel since we invaded this wretched kingdom a year ago!

Maddie, baby... chill.

These things have a way of... working themselves out.

Why are you so calm?

Normally when I yell at you, you get tummy cramps and have to go poopy... your words.

What can I say?

I'm sleeping well, exercising, laying off the wheat.

Just in a really good place right now.

You're inept.

You're all inept!

I can't even look at any of you anymore.

♪ My husband's a wimp ♪
♪ His henchmen are simply useless ♪
♪ The servants and staff ♪
♪ Are inbreeds and half-wits, too ♪
♪ Oh, God, how I need someone here ♪
♪ Willing to get things done here ♪
♪ Someone who shares my point of view ♪
♪ But who?! ♪
♪ It's you ♪
♪ No one but you ♪
♪ No one's as smart and hard of heart ♪
♪ And looks the part ♪
♪ Like you ♪
♪ Who'd pull off a coup d'etat like you ♪
♪ While rockin' a push-up bra like you? ♪
♪ Well, here's a clue, no one but you ♪
♪ You ♪
♪ You ♪
♪ You ♪
♪ You ♪
♪ No one but me ♪
♪ Nobody wheels and double-deals ♪
♪ In k*ller heels like me ♪
♪ There's nobody who could rule like you ♪
♪ While making her subjects drool like you ♪
♪ While tough to the core like you ♪
♪ Let's face it, who's more like you than you? ♪
♪ No one but you ♪
♪ Who has the brains to break her chains ♪
♪ And seize the reins? ♪
♪ Yeah, you ♪
♪ It's been quite the social climb for you ♪
♪ And, honey, at last it's time for you ♪
♪ So, answer the call for you ♪
♪ And go take it all for you ♪
♪ Who else is going to? ♪
♪ Yes, who? ♪
♪ No one ♪
♪ But yo-o-o-u ♪
♪ You ♪
♪ You ♪
♪ You ♪
♪ You ♪
♪ You ♪
♪ You ♪
♪ You ♪
♪ You ♪

Get it, girl! You the queen!

[All cheering] Go get 'em, girl!

Galavant - 01x05
Completely Mad... Alena.

Oh, sorry. I really had to pee.

It takes so long to undo all the laces on my riding pants.

You know, someone should come up with something around the crotch that would just go "zip."

You could do your business and be done with it.

That is the stupidest thing I've ever heard.

Tell him, Izzy.

It's not a great idea, Sid.

Are you sure?

I really feel like I'm on to something.

Can we just focus?

We've got a castle to storm.

The sun's almost perfect for hero lighting.

I should do some push-ups.

But wouldn't it be better to storm the castle later?

Ooh, how about on a Wednesday?

You never hear of anyone storming a castle on a Wednesday.

The thing is, is Wednesdays are quite hard to rhyme with.

And I'm pretty much 100% sure they're gonna write songs about this one, so...

Interlocking little teeth right in the front of your pants that zip together.

Sid!

You're embarrassing yourself.

I mean, it just feels like you're rushing it.

If you took the time to think about it...

You smell. Really bad.

Princess, I'm a knight of the seven realms about to ride into a battle so epic...

Oh, God, yeah. Yeah, we should find a place.

I need to wash up.

Oh. Good.

I thought I was having a bath. This is a church.

This isn't just a church.

It's the most famed and revered monastery in Valencia.

[Sighs]

♪ Bum ba-dum bum bum ♪
♪ Welcome to our Abbey, the best in the domain ♪
♪ The order of our father of perpetual refrain ♪
♪ And we're the Monks ♪
♪ Hey, hey, we're the Monks ♪

Back story, please.

♪ Hey, hey, we're the Monks ♪

Valencian Monks all take a vow of singing.

Oh, bravo! [Sighs] k*ll me.

♪ Hey, hey, we're the Monks ♪
♪ Come in if you are weary ♪
♪ There's food if you would dine ♪
♪ Plus 31 varieties of sacramental wine ♪
♪ And we're the Monks ♪
♪ Hey, hey, we're the Monks ♪
♪ Hmmm ♪
♪ Bum ba-dum bum bum ♪
♪ I'm the smart one ♪
♪ Ahh, Hallelu ♪
♪ I'm the cute one ♪
♪ Boopsy-doo ♪
♪ I'm the shy one ♪
♪ Peekaboo ♪
♪ And I'm the bad boy ♪
♪ But not so bad 'cause I'm a monk ♪
♪ Bless you, children ♪
♪ ooh ooh ooh-ooh ♪

[Vocalizing] We seek shelter...

Water for our horses, and a bath for my friend.

♪ We'll fetch the holy water and holy soap, as well ♪
♪ 'Cause, holy Guacamole, that one reeks to holy hell ♪
♪ And we're the Monks ♪
♪ Hey, hey, we're the Monks ♪
♪ Ooh wee-ahh ♪
♪ Jazz hands ♪
♪ Yeah! ♪

Can't we just have a normal adventure?

Is there anyone available to counsel a person who might, through no fault of her own, be feeling guilty about a fatal plot she's put into motion which could lead to the demise of someone she's grown a little fond of?

[Note plays]

Just nod yes or no.

[Bird cries]

Madalena: Where are the kitchen trolls?

Ah.

Hey, m'lady.

Who do I have to disembowel around here to get a cup of tea?

Oh, a thousand apologies.

I was busy preparing for tonight's celebration.

Celebration for what?

Oh, I... I wouldn't know.

I-I'm just trying to stay alive, and I find it helps not to ask too many questions.

You're close with the king, aren't you?

Eh, I wouldn't call us close, but we hang, yeah.

[Chuckles]

And, um, you fancy Gwynne, my hand maiden.

Sha'!

Listen, I know Richard's keeping something from me.

You find out what he has up his sleeve, and I will help you get Gwynne into your bed.

Ooh. [Chuckles]

A generous offer, My Queen, but I'm not even sure we could both fit into my bed.

You sleep in the kitchen?

Or... Do I cook in my room?

Why do I even talk to poor people?

Do we have a deal?

What the hell?

I need all the help I can get.

I sleep in a freaking kitchen.

Okay.

The king is having a secret meeting where I'm to serve snacks and a light refreshment as soon as the croaks of the frogs usher in the raven's last call.

So, like 9:00?

Yeah, 9:00.

Excellent.

Take me there.

Yes, m'lady.

And King Richard said if I didn't bring the jewel and Galavant back, he'd k*ll my parents.

So, I lied to Galavant and told him that the queen still loved him.

He's walking into a trap of my own making!

[Sighs] What can I do?

Break your vow, or I break your pipe.

[Sighs]

♪ Bum ba-dum bum bum bum ♪

So, uh...

♪ Bum ba-dum bum bum ♪

So, basically, you made a deal with the evil king, but that was before you fell for the handsome knight...

[Singing in background continues]

Fell... fell for what? Fell for him?

My child, if you argue, I'm never gonna be able to make it back in time for their big finish.

[Sighs] But I need your advice.

I'm supposed to bring Galavant to the king when the barking of the hounds wakens the fairies in the evening so that they may begin their nocturnal dance.

So, like 9:00?

Yeah. 9:00.

[Dogs howling]

It's 9:03. Why am I the only one who's ever on time?

There should be a standardized system based on the rotation of the earth in relation to its position to the sun and the moon.

[Scoffs] You sound like a witch.

Regardless, it is very rude of Galavant to be late to his own k*lling.

Galavant's coming?

The king didn't give me a head count.

Oh, I came up with the most perfect line for when I first see him.

In my most intimidating voice, I'm going to say,

[deep voice] "Well, well, well"...

[Normal voice] Nope. I'm gonna save it.

[Door opens]

Oh. Here we go.

[Deep voice] Well, well...

[Normal voice] Where the hell's Galavant?

There's been a change in plans.

You'll get the jewel and set my parents free, but Galavant stays alive.

I see.

How utterly predictable.

The princess has fallen for the noble knight.

Of course she has.

I can't let a guy like that live.

Well, then the deal is off.

You'll never see the jewel again.

You're adorable.

No, my darling.

You see, you will bring me Galavant and the jewel or else you'll suffer the same fate...

As your parents!

[Gasps]

It's all right, honey.

We're alive.

What?!

The king convinced us it would be funny.

We've been prisoners a long time.

We lost perspective.

[Laughing] You should have seen your face!

You were like, "aah!"

[Laughing]

"Ooh!"

[Sighs] Oh, but make no mistake.

If you don't bring me Galavant, I will k*ll them.

For realsies.

♪ And we're the Monks, hey, hey, we're the Monks ♪
♪ Yeah ♪

What's happening?

I'll tell you what's happening.

Our Sid sings like a freaking angel.

No, this plan, this whole thing.

How did it come to this?

Princess, relax.

It's gonna go great.

They already expect these guys to perform at the castle.

We're just gonna sneak in with them and infiltrate from the inside.

[Clears throat]

Turns out you were right.

As usual, I needed a better plan.

[Sighs] Galavant...

I'm only magnanimous once every 10 years, so just let this happen.

You saw the best in me and...

Ultimately reminded me what it means to be a real knight.

And here we are.

So, thank you...

For bringing me back to me.

Against all the odds, it's, um...

Well, it's been a pleasure.

You really don't have to thank me for anything.

You actually have a lot of nice qualities...

All on your own.

[Chuckles]

Careful, princess.

You're getting dangerously close to paying me a compliment.

I can do compliments.

I mean, you know your way around a horse, you're not so bad with a sword, and your beard magically stays the same length all the time.

[Chuckles]

And... you have an ability to see the best in people even after they've wronged you.

Like with Madalena.

Right.

Madalena.

Oh, man, this robe is really itching my junk.

Oh, you left your clothes on underneath.

Right.

[Sighs]

I hope you're pleased with what I've shown you.

Judging by the pressure and what seems like the amount of exclamation points, it's a little hard to tell.

This is the writing of a happy queen who's decided to take control and set a secret, evil plan in motion.

Ooh!

Let's keep that last part just between the two of us.

For your fastest pigeon.

This absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.

You upheld your end of the bargain, so I'll uphold mine.

You have my permission to make the most romantic of meals tonight for you and my hand maiden.

Spare no expense... Fresh oysters, braised rabbit, and a nice Bordeaux from my private cellar.

Oh, I don't even know if she'll say yes.

I mean, we flirt and stuff, but when I ask her on a date, bubkes.

God, do I have to do everything around here?

[Door opens] Madalena: Gwynne!

You're having dinner tonight with smallpox over here.

Yes, m'lady.

You two aren't cousins or anything, are you?

Ah, who cares? You guys couldn't get any weirder looking.

[Door closes]

I know a hook-up from your boss isn't the smoothest thing, but...

I don't care.

Because, truthfully, I think we could be great together.

But love isn't meant for people like us.

I beg to differ.

♪ If I could share my life with you ♪
♪ Just think how happy we'd be ♪
♪ We'd share our hovel built for two ♪
♪ Complete with vermin for three ♪

[Chuckles]

♪ We could while away each hopeless day ♪
♪ Comparing open sores ♪
♪ Yes, life would blow, but much less, though ♪
♪ If I could share mine with yours ♪

No, I can't. It's impossible!

♪ If I could share my life with you ♪
♪ Admit it, it would be nice ♪
♪ We'd share one cot, one chamber pot ♪
♪ Plus trench mouth, tapeworms, and lice ♪
♪ We would have a dozen kids ♪
♪ And maybe one won't die ♪
♪ And the plague ♪
♪ The runs ♪
♪ Invading huns ♪
♪ Just think how time would fly ♪
♪ If you could share your life with me ♪
♪ I'll Cherish every foul breath ♪
♪ The filth ♪
♪ The rot ♪
♪ The leprosy ♪
♪ The painful, lingering death ♪
♪ Thank the Lord our life expectancy ♪
♪ Is merely 32 ♪
♪ Yeah, it might be sweet misery ♪
♪ To share what's left with yo-o-o-u ♪

So, me, you, dinner tonight, my place.

You bring that pretty little smile of yours, and I'll supply the rest.

Yes! [Chuckles]

Right, princess. You ready to get your kingdom back?

I've been thinking.

I can get another kingdom. It's a buyer's market right now.

Let's just free my parents, get Madalena, and get us out of here.

Absolutely not.

When I make a promise, I keep it.

We're gonna get your kingdom back.

But...

Once the concert starts, we're gonna have about an hour to move about the castle.

Where do you think they're keeping your parents?

Perhaps they're up your butt.

Y-you see, because that's the most unlikely place.

I mean, obviously, her parents couldn't be up your...

[Deep voice] Well, well, well.

[Normal voice] Ah, it's too late. I had to go for the stupid butt joke.

Forget it. Guards, just seize them.

Your move...

'Cause I haven't k*lled anybody all day.

Gareth, we agreed I would say the cool things.

So, what's it gonna be?

Damn it, Gareth!

Fine.

Galavant, no!

Now let her go.

She had nothing to do with this.

You are so noble.

And yet the women in your life never seem to honor that nobility.

In fact, this one tricked you into coming all the way here so I could k*ll you.

What?

[Deep voice] Well, well, well...

Looks like it's time for dinner.

Nailed it.

Boom.

But... what the... all that time...

He may not be able to talk, but I can.

This is messed up, princess!

I didn't have a choice. He was going to k*ll my parents.

Shut up!

Well, seems like you kids have lots to talk about.

I'll let you get to it.

Oh, but do hurry.

I'm executing Galavant in 10 minutes. Hmm.

It's nice to finally have people down here.

Feels lived in.

I'm so sorry. I wanted to tell you, but I...

But what?

You didn't have time?

Not in the hundreds of miles we traveled or the meals we shared?

In retrospect, the trip through the forest of honesty would have seemed like an appropriate time.

[Sighs] But my family.

Well, perhaps if you'd told me, we could have made a plan.

[Scoffs] And you would have helped me?

Even if you had nothing to gain from it?

I guess we'll never find out.

[Door opens]

If even a single ounce of you was real, just tell me one thing...

Did Madalena want me to come for her?

I don't know.

No!

[Humming]

Not so tough, are you now, Galavan...

Aah!!

Aah!!

Hello, darling.

Madalena?

There's braised rabbit and Bordeaux, your favorites.

You saved me?

Oh, I've done a lot more than that.

We have a lot of catching up to do.

I've written someone, and he's coming to execute my plan.

He doesn't play nice.

Everything's about to change.