04x02 - I'm A Motherf**king Scorpion

[bunniefuu]

Marty: My name is Marty Kaan, and I'm a management consultant.

I took the plea deal so I could get back to work faster.

So let's just go through the financials...

Marty, I'm pregnant.

After everything between us, I rekindled something with an old college beau, Edwin.

Man: What I'm getting from Kaan and Associates is sh*t.

Go f*ck yourself and your lousy business.

You know we can't afford to lose even this shitty account, right? We're broke, completely broke.

Are you nuts, dude? Haven't you worked for him before?

I never had a problem with Monica.

Is that Ellis Hightower?

Marty: Our boy, Ellis Gage Hightower, godhead of electric cars.

This guy's got a lot of money.

Hey, brother.

Marty: And I plan to take a lot of his money.

This piece of business is our ticket out of the sh*t shed.

We need to just get through this transition, and then you should leave... for good.

Doug: I just don't think that, uh...

Do we really want to do this?

Are you f*cking kidding me?

We already talked about this.

Yeah, I know.

I just think we may have more perspective when you get back from your sister's, don't you?

Oh, speaking of which, if you wanted to get a sandwich before you make your flight.

You are such a p*ssy sometimes.

Well, I am what I eat.

No, Doug, please, just ask her.

Okay.

Please...

(Doug clears throat)

Hey... there she is.

Hi.

Hi.

So, uh, how's it going?

How, uh, how, you know, how you doing?

It's Joey from Friends. Do you remember that show?

Good show.

Doug, just...

Yeah, um...

So, Jeannie, listen, uh... do you remember, uh, how Sarah lost her job eight months ago?

I know, f*ck Obamacare, right?

Didn't you work at a veterinary clinic?

Yeah. Yeah.

But regardless, um, having her around more.

Boy, oh, boy, it's been great. (chuckles)

Just so great, lo, these... these many, many months.

Ow.

And it gave her a chance to nest.

Filling the nest, however, well, that has proved elusive.

Fertility treatments, countless specialists, and still you can hear a big old echo in that uterus of hers, huh?

(echoing): Hello, hello, hello.

Okay, also, you know, his little men are not exactly Michael Phelps.

Eh, inconclusive. It's...

Anyway, we were wondering if, um... and we totally understand i-if you don't want to, but if there was any chance that you didn't want, or were thinking about...

Are you asking me for my baby?

Oh... my God, I think he is.

No, he couldn't possibly.

No offense to you and Edwin...

Well, you've never met Edwin, so...

Mother and father on opposite coasts.

Yeah, it's not good.

That's sad to me.

Yes, I'm...

You know, I think a baby needs stability.

(laughs)

Which the baby would get with you and Doug?

I do. I think that that's actually a very attractive offer.

Is it?

Maybe you don't know this, but babies come with many hassles.

Doug: Oh, and you could come visit at any time you wanted.

No? Okay. Scheduled visits. That's...

No.

Please never let this moment end.

Do you have your video recording device?

Yeah.

Yeah, I do.

Let's get this happening.

What we would love for you to do is take time and think about it. - Yeah.

I'm not giving you my baby.

You are so f*cking selfish.

And you are so f*cking bat-sh*t crazy.

Oh, Jeannie, what's the big deal?

Just give 'em the baby.

It's not like it's a baby.

Sarah: We all know that you are bound to be a terrible mother.

Oh, you do?

Yeah. Doug, back me up.

Doug, back me up.

Uh...

Ah...

Pick a side, Doug.

I-I don't know if you'll be great.

Sarah: Terrible!

Terrible.

So, maybe be wise and think of us as like preemptive Child Protective Services.

Ooh.

Jeannie: All right, I'm gonna get some work done now.

(hooting laughter)

Jeannie: This has been very interesting.

She doesn't even want it.

Yeah? I'll try that.

Um, so, look, I mean, you probably don't even want the baby.

I want the baby, Doug.

Okay, well, I know you have to say that in front of people, but between you and me... I want the baby.

Doug: You do. You've left a path of shattered lives.

What's one more, right?

Oh, good.

So we're on the same page.

Oh, oof!

And that could be a good place to edit our stuff together.

I don't see how it could get any better than that. - Yeah.

(low, indistinct announcement over cabin P.A.)

We will find Doug's body chopped up in a freezer one day, yeah?

Hm. Fingers crossed.

(sighs)

How's Roscoe?

How's Roscoe?

(scoffs)

"He's good, Jeannie. How's your mom?"

"You know, she's still a c**t."

Oh, okay, so I'm the assh*le here.

No, you...

(clears her throat)

Look, you asked me to leave, I'll leave.

I just don't see the harm in us h-having an innocuous conversation.

You still don't think I meant what I said, hmm?

I just wanted to know how Roscoe was.

Um...

Roscoe used to have this book of fables.

Now, he always wanted me to read him this book about a girl who lost her stuffed animal or some sh*t.

But anyway, I liked the fables.

And, uh, they had this one about a scorpion and a frog.

You familiar with it?

Um... (clears his throat)

So, this scorpion asks this frog to carry it across a stream or something, whatever.

And, uh, the frog is, like, "No way, man. You're gonna sting me."

And the scorpion assures the frog that this is in neither of their best interests.

"I mean, I k*ll you, I drown, right?"

So, the frog sees the wisdom in this, and the scorpion hops on his back, boom, off they go.

Then midstream, sure enough.

(clicks his tongue)

Scorpion stings the frog.

And as they both start to sink, the dying frog manages a weak, "Why?"

And the scorpion says, "'Cause I'm a m*therf*cking scorpion, that's why."

I mean, I paraphrased it slightly.

You're a dishonest person, Jeannie.

And I get dishonesty.

I mean, I do, of course, but... yours doesn't seem to have an off switch.

Now, I may end up drowning, but it's not gonna be because of you.

Okay, in the morning, you have exactly 90 minutes to take a shower, get dressed, make your bed, and then, you go to work, and you want to make sure that you get ever...

Listen, Gabe, I don't need you to give me every g*dd*mn detail.

Marty, look, when I first got here, I had this cellmate who was a meth dealer.

He was just a total d*ck.

I kept thinking to myself, "How'd this guy make any sales with that kind of bedside manner?"

Anyway, I told myself when I got a new cellmate, I'd do things differently.

So, new cellmate... what's your work detail?

Prison garden.

(laughing): Oh, man.

Get out.

That's where I work, too. How awesome is that?

It's pretty awesome.

Yeah, it is pretty awesome.

Oh, guess who also works in the garden-- look.

Am I supposed to know who the f*ck you're pointing at?

The guy with the glasses.

Oh. Okay.

(mocking): Okay.

That's Ellis Hightower.

You know, we planted carrots in the garden the other day.

It's no biggie, it's whatever.

(laughs)

Do you want to meet him?

No, not really.

It's Ellis Hightower.

Wow. Rich businessman.

You throw a stick, you f*cking hit ten of 'em in here.

Okay, Ellis is not a rich businessman.

He's a preeminent genius of our time.

And I'm not just talking about electric cars, okay?

He's made amazing strides in artificial intelligence.

You know, ten years from now, thanks to Ellis, your barber is going to be a robot.

The guy who makes your coffee is gonna be a robot.

The greeter at your Gap is gonna...

Don't tell me-- robot.

You know what? Can I ask you something?

How long before all these, uh, baristas and barbers rise up and k*ll everybody?

People mock what they don't understand.

(quietly): Okay. Oh.

Hey, man. Uh...

It's cool.

All right, catch you later, pal.

That was embarrassing.

Hey, Marty?

Marty, are you up?

(louder): Marty, are you up?

Ooh... God.

I take full responsibility for what I did.

Performing unnecessary root canals for the insurance money is wrong, even if your practice is struggling.

Touching a boob while a patient is under-- also, not okay, no matter how pretty she is.

Still, getting sent to prison was a real kick in the jellybeans, you know?

Hey, Gabe?

Yeah?

I'm trying to get some sleep here, man.

Oh, my God. I am sorry.

I'm so...

Then I get here, and there's Ellis.

You know?

Hello, silver lining.

But, uh, the truth is, the two of us-- we haven't actually gotten to know each other.

(laughing): As far as he's concerned, I'm invisible.

He doesn't even know I exist.

Yeah, well, hopefully, he'll come around before the prison homecoming dance.

I don't think that we have a prison...

Okay, okay, I see what you did there.

(laughing): That's funny.

You're funny.

I like girls... and so does Ellis.

You know, apparently, he dated a swimsuit model for a while.

According to Us Weekly, she wanted more commitment.

But you can't hold a man like Ellis Hightower down.

Will you shut the f*ck up, please? Just stop.

Stop talking?

Yeah, stop talking.

Especially about some washed-up assh*le like Ellis Hightower.

(scoffs) Okay. Yeah.

Ellis Hightower is washed-up.

He-He's gonna change the world, but he's washed-up.

Yeah, he's not gonna change sh*t, especially sitting on the sidelines of his own f*cking company.

What?

Oh, f... Listen, we're gonna have a conversation for a couple seconds and then we're going the f*ck to sleep, all right?

Right. Conversation, couple seconds, and F sleep.

(sighs)

The chairman of the board of Gage Motors...

Dante Valerio.

Yeah, Dante Valerio.

He wants Ellis out.

He's got the votes, okay?

Now, can we get some sleep, please?

What?

I mean, Ellis must be freaking out.

That's probably why he's been so distant lately.

Yeah, that's definitely why.

Right. Okay.

Yeah.

Man: Jeannie, the founder of your firm is in prison.

We'll only need five minutes.

Float it. What is the worst that can happen? I get laughed out of his huge corner office.

Yes, I know we're more of a boutique firm...

Boutique? This place is a ghost town.

The only reason we're having this meeting here is you can't afford to buy me lunch.

(chuckles) Okay.

Yes, we took a hit, but... trimming nonessential staff and streamlining operations has actually made us m--

(tapping on glass) Uh... sorry, Andrew, give me one second.

What? This is important.

Doug: Yeah.

Sorry to interrupt. Uh, we should really make a move if we're gonna catch that flight to Cincinnati.

Holt Logistics is next week.

Clyde: No, we had to move it to accommodate the consult at Star Trust Funding, remember?

Oh, sh*t. Star Trust. Um...

Yeah.

Okay, give me a few minutes to wrap this up.

Yeah. Course. All right. Yeah. We'll be over here.

Sorry.

Mm. Wow. Star Trust.

That's the third largest mortgage lender in the U.S.

We're just doing a top-down on their information systems.

Obviously, we hope to impress them to broaden the scope of the consult, but... Mm.

Uh, I'm beginning to question now whether those orgasms were real.

(clicks tongue) I'm not following you. Should I call Star Trust?

Are you accusing me of...

I'm not accusing you of lying.

I'm just gonna call Star Trust and ask if they've heard of your little boutique.

Great. Call 'em.

Okay. Hang up. Hang up.

(sighs) So help me out here-- how did you finish first in our business school class?

I have exhausted every lead.

If something doesn't come through soon, the firm is gonna flatline.

I just need five minutes.

Sorry, Charlie.

Having said that, I would gladly have sex with you again.

I'll be sure and pass that on to your wife.

(chuckling): Oh.

And they weren't real, by the way.

Right.

Oh, hey. Here.

Let-let me give you a hand. It's... heavy.

You know, for what it's worth, you know, I think what they're doing to you is an outrage.

I got it from here.

You know, I-I don't usually hate people I don't know, but I hate Dante Valerio.

How can he not recognize everything...

What are you talking about?

You know, the thing. The coup.

What coup?

Oh, God, you don't know.

Know what? What f*cking coup?

I'm... I'm probably not the one to...

Is Dante Valerio trying to push me out?

There's no way he has the votes.

Does he have the g*dd*mn votes?

Maybe. I think so. I-I don't, um...

Who are you looking at?

Who the f*ck is that?

Hey.

You talking sh*t about me?

Talking sh*t ab...

Oh, no, man, I was just trying to get him to shut up so I could get some sleep.

I don't know where you got your information, but you don't know jack.

I'm calling the sh*ts from in here.

Nothing happens without my knowledge, you understand?

Okay.

Dante and I have had our differences, but he's not stupid.

He knows what I mean to that company.

This is f*cking absurd.

Okay.

Well, you obviously have an opinion.

Why don't you quit saying okay, like a f*cking ret*rd and spit it out? (chuckles)

Okay.

I don't know. I mean, Dante Valerio, he's a mega-successful billionaire, right?

He's been with Gage since the start... nobody knows his f*cking name.

I mean, all he ever hears about is what a genius Ellis Hightower is. Well...

Eh, you know, you're probably right, I mean... why would a guy like Dante Valerio want to install an unthreatening, low-profile CEO when he's got you?

You know, when I spent $200,000 on business school, this is exactly what I had in mind.

Oh, my God, have I thanked you yet?

Jeannie, if I haven't, thank you so much for supplying me with this priceless life opportunity.

Sarah: I finished organizing the closet... Uh-huh.

And made a pile for Goodwill. Um... Okay.

Oh, and I need you home by 7:00 because I'm making lamb chops.

Lamb chops? Really?

Yeah. But I got them at the store that sells food past the sell-by date.

#IKnowMyHusband.

Okay. Great. Well...

I'll see you at 7:00.

#IGotPlansForYouAfterDinner.

Ooh!

#NotOvulating.

#FinishWhereverYouWant.

Hashtag... (retching)

I gotta go. All right.

I love you, Sarah.

I love you, too.

Bye.

Whoa, so, when I was out there, I did a little ground recon.

No sign of the target, so...

This isn't a f*cking stakeout, Doug.

So, let's, uh, recon. Oh, yeah, right. All right. Let's just sit here and scowl at each other. God forgive me for trying to inject a little fun into the proceedings.

How is any of this supposed to be fun?

Are you k... Have you even tried the binoculars?

Look at them. They zoom. Give it a sh*t.

Put it down!

Okay. Your loss. - You know, I don't even now why I'm lashing out on you.

None of this is your f*ckin' fault.

Things seem to be good with you and Sarah, huh, Doug?

Yeah, yeah, you know, Sarah losing her job has actually been a blessing in disguise.

She's been around and attentive and relaxed.

It's nice.

Great. I'm happy for you.

Jeannie, can I actually see your coffee?

I think you have mine.

No, this one was yours.

The whole time, this one was yours.

I don't even know why I took it.

Oh, that's mature.

I mean, not as mature as bringing down your company and sending your partner to prison, but I feel like it's good.

I am so sick of your attitude.

If working for me is such an unspeakable misery, get another job.

Oh, see, that's just the thing.

I've tried and I can't.

Now, Jeannie, why do you think that is?

I don't know. You're such a rock star.

Right.

I'm shocked that every company in the world aren't falling all over themselves to put you on board.

At least before you ruined Marty's life, he got to f*ck you.

Doug: Whoa.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on a second.

Doug: Calm down. So what do we think is a fair exchange then, for me having caused such damage to your stellar reputation?

I don't know.

Is it... I mean, would it be, like, an under-the-bra tit grab?

We could... A stinky pinky? I know you like those.

You know what, I'll be generous.

I will give you a big, fat, juicy blow job if you would just shut the f*ck up and stop being such a whiny little bitch about it.

Okay, so I'm a whiny little bitch?

Yeah.

Whiny little b*tches look at you and they go, "Ew, what a whiny little bitch."

You know, f*ck you.

f*ck you.

Doug: Eh, uh, I'm sorry, um, if I could just...

I-I'm pretty sure you weren't being serious before, but I've also suffered some damage to my reputation, so... What?

There they are.

Oh, sh... Okay, the rooster is in the nest.

Repeat, the rooster is in the nest.

You've got quite a reputation.

Oh, you asked about me.

Wow, I feel like such a pretty girl.

I don't know how you knew, but you knew.

Dante Valerio's taking the temperature of the other board members about making a change.

(scoffing laugh) Imagine that.

A f*cking ret*rd figured that out before you.

You can go out the same way you came in, buddy.

(wry laugh)

Is that your big close?

The illustrious Marty Kaan sulks because I called him a name. And then what?

I-I hire him out of guilt?

Yeah, that's it. You-you figured me out.

Okay. I'm sorry, Marty, for calling you a name.

Okay?

I'm sorry.

Now, will you help me fight my way out of this pit of vipers?

You don't hear the word "no" a lot, do you? - I only hear it when someone's negotiating for higher fees, so, if this is a question of money...

Ellis, f*ck, listen.

My illustrious consulting career landed me in this five-star sh*t hole.

So forgive me if I don't jump right back in because yet another rich assh*le's house is on fire.

Whoa. Okay.

My time here is about me trying to make sense out of my future, not yours.

I jump back in when I'm ready, if I'm ready.

So no consult for you.

Because you're on some masturbatory quest for Satori. - Look, hit me up in a couple months, okay? I'll see how I feel.

Well, in a few months, I'll be worm food.

I was thinking about going to the...

Marty: I don't give a f*ck.

Hi.

Can you give us a minute? We're in the middle of something.

Marty: No, no, no.

We're done. You can come in.

Do you mind, Gabe?

(quietly): He knows my name.

(scoffs)

(sighs) Marty, I'm not gonna beg.

Good. Then I can get back to my book.

(laughs) This is weird.

(laughs)

We have a meeting at Somerset Software.

Oh, what an amazing coincidence.

Yeah. Or is it fate?

I was just telling Andrew here that we saw some interesting flex potential for Celetech. Here we are running into each other.

I'm Jeannie van der Hooven.

A very ambitious consultant from Kaan & Associates.

Ah. I understand your firm's been through a rough patch.

Well, bowed but not broken, sir.

As you can see.

(clears throat) And willing to work on a performance-tied fee structure.

You know, our experience suggests that Celetech can maintain a science-based true north while still adding to...

Okay, I'm gonna cut you off there.

We've been with Demark for years.

And I'm not gonna be dropping them just so I can go into business with Marty Kaan.

Well, you wouldn't be.

Marty is no longer a part of the company.

In any case.

You know... (sighs) for a billionaire, you're kind of a dumb sh*t.

Clyde: Whoa.

Doug: Whoa, Jeannie.

It's fine-- they're not gonna hire us anyway.

I'm so tired of kissing the ass of all these potential clients who are total dumb shits.

Can I close my door, please?

Did you know we were a thing?

Marty and I. Briefly.

I f*cked it up.

And for a while, I spent all my time trying to figure out a way to make it right.

Jeannie, you're embarrassing yourself.

Until one day, I thought: Wait a minute, why?

Why am I pushing up against this rock?

'Cause it certainly wasn't good for me professionally.

And, you know, Marty taught me a lot, he helped make me who I am.

But even setting aside the impact that a prison record would have on his future prospects, I'd just gone as far as I could go with him.

It made sense for me to leave Marty behind.

And that was someone I loved.

Because I understand that in order to get ahead and stay ahead, you have to cut ties.

So I'm a dumb sh*t because I won't cut ties with Demark?

Wow, you must have a big brain for science, because your people sense isn't exactly top-notch.

And you hired a chief financial officer who cheated his way through business school.

Though I suppose you can't be blamed for not digging through the official records of the Columbia University judicial board.

They were never able to prove...

But even when someone's profligacy and petulance is draining money from your pocket, you still don't see it.

Or maybe you do.

And maybe you still stubbornly insist on being Ellis Hightower's slobbery lapdog because he's just such a genius.

You're not a dumb sh*t because you won't cut ties with Demark.

You're a dumb sh*t because you won't cut ties with anyone.

Have a nice day.

(engine starts)

(engine revs, tires screech)

Not bad, Jeannie.

Not bad.

Oh, it'll be f*cking beautiful.

Living in a Van Nuys apartment complex, swapping stories with your 60-year-old actor neighbor who came this close to getting a Doritos commercial in 1988.

And you can tell him about the time you traded in your bespoke suits for a closet full of Hawaiian shirts while you led a fruitless search for the meaning of life, only to realize too late that the meaning of life-- the chance to be a foot soldier in the revolution of our time-- was staring you right Yeah, okay. in the f*cking face.

El-Ellis. Okay. Okay.

I get it. Uncle.

Okay. Okay.

Okay.

Doug: I don't know, I...

It would just be so much easier if... if she were dead, you know?

Nice. Fantastic. No, I mean... I don't mean I wish she were dead.

That's a different thing. I, it's...

I love Sarah. You know that. I've always loved Sarah.

Right, right, right.

But if she was dead, man, think about all that widower p*ssy you would get.

What? Pardon me? God, you make... you make it sound sick. Doug... you know, in Judaism, there's this thing called the Chamesh Godol.

It loosely translates to "Shiva House blow job."

Now, it's considered a mitzvah when a woman provides oral sex to a man whose wife just passed away.

Really?

No. What the f*ck is wrong with you? Really?

You were thinking about it.

How many people you think want to hear this f*cking conversation?

You know how much I like blow jobs.

That's not...Listen, I'm not the one asking for a co-worker's baby on behalf of a wife who I wish were dead, so I feel f*cking amazing right now.

No, out of context, Clyde.

Out of context? Oh, you need to go now?

I... I wish you would...

That's what I'm saying.

Go, go, go.

Excuse me.

I have to go to the bathroom.

Just move by. Just go by.

Fine, I'm doing it.

Be a man. Go by.

Will?

Hey.

Hey. (laughs) It is you. Get over here.

Doug: Good to see you.

Guys, it's Will.

Who gives a sh*t?

Good to see you too, Clyde.

Well, look at you, huh? Fancypants.

It looks like you found life after K&A.

Where'd you end up?

Uh, it's not that...

Come on.

I'm at ...I'm at Demark.

Demark. Sure.

Doug: Demark. I feel like I was just talking about that.

Clyde, who...

Didn't someone else just end up there?

Clyde: Uh-huh.

Who was that?

It's probably Monica.

She's the one who hired me. You know, coming from K&A, it wasn't easy getting new work, and I had already worked with her, so I just... William...

Oh, God. What did I tell you about fraternizing with the enemy?

I'm just kidding. (laughs)

I'm just kidding.

As if a rapidly shrinking speck in the consulting universe like Kaan & Associates could ever be considered an enemy.

Well, I mean, even a single-celled parasite can take down a lion.

Strong rebuttal.

Thank you.

Ugh.

Hi, Marty.

Whoa, hey, Fatso.

So where you guys headed on this glorious day?

Marty: Oh, I'm just taking the kids to Napa, you know, so we can sample the season's new rosés.

Mm. I know you're going to Gage.

Dante Valerio's a client.

But don't worry, I am headed to an unrelated consult, because I am not a cruel person.

And it would be cruel to steal your one big fish.

Even after how hard you f*cked me over last year.

What? No.

That was an accident.

Oops. (wry laugh)

You know, a lot of men would have just laid down and d*ed in your situation, but you really seized that moment, didn't you?

I even heard a rumor that you had your lawyer petition the board of prisons to get you sent to Worthy when you could have Come on. landed somewhere more cush, just to get close to Hightower.

(chuckles)

So what if I did?

Mm-hmm.

(gasps) And I heard you took a load in the face from Dante Valerio in the parking lot of Celetech.

Ooh, ugh. I started that one. But the fact that a lot I don't give a f*ck. of people are believing it-- that should come as a warning sign to you.

Yeah, I didn't believe it, but I... William...

I should just... I'll go...

Hey, Jeannie, how's Edwin?

He's fine.

Yeah?

Mm-hmm.

I can't wait to meet him. The father of your child.

Aah! (laughs)

Where did you say he worked again?

Skadden Arps.

Skadden Arps, that's right.

I do a lot of business with Skadden Arps.

I should look him up next time I'm in New York.

I will be sure to warn him.

So this is coach, huh?

Charming.

(mocking laugh) Bye, Mo.

Oh, bye.

She was hitting that Edwin sh*t pretty hard, right?

What was that about?

Yeah, well, it's Monica, so, I mean, what could we... expect?

Okay.

I'm not an honest person, Marty.

You're... you're right.

Because when a situation feels difficult or complicated, even though I know, objectively, that the lie will exacerbate things, I... I always seem to choose to lie.

Eh, it's... And... I need to tell you something serious, and I need you to believe me, or you don't... have to, I don't know.

I just... I want you to know that I never intended to leave you...

W... We were just in a th... of... I... and I panicked.

And I... said Edwin.

And then I waited, and... there wasn't a right time, (sighs) or at least, it wasn't the time that I wanted it to be.

It's yours.

Doug (quietly): Okay...

Hey, so, uh, listen, I actually did a little recon here, and turns out Monica is in fact headed to an unrelated consult, so... (exhales) phew.

Yeah. Phew.

(sighs) Yeah.

♪ What'll it be, now ♪
♪ Mr. Moe ♪
♪ Whisper slow within ♪
♪ Curls of smoke ♪
♪ Take a back seat ♪
♪ Or play fair on ♪