04x09 - And the Past and the Furious

[bunniefuu]

Okay, everybody, gather 'round.

Who knew it was "bring your girlfriend to work" day?

She is not my girlfriend.

Judy is a CPR doll, and the hardest-working girl in this diner.

Oh, Han, you shouldn't bring your sex doll out in public.

This is not my girlfriend or a sex doll!

Earl, come over.

We're going to use Judy to learn how to resuscitate.

I have a "do not resuscitate" clause, as in, I do not resuscitate others.

Oleg.

What's up, Han?

Oh, hey, Judy.

How do you know Judy?

With a torso like that, she gets around.

Okay, I will demonstrate.

Oh, no!

Judy's choking on something!

Well, we know it's not you.

First you have to tilt the head back and clear the airway and blow.

[gasps]

Oh, Max, I think we're witnessing his first kiss.

Fourth, thank you very much.

Han, why are you wasting your time kissing her?

She doesn't have any arms.

Just go for it.

(Peter Bjorn and John)
♪ Ooh Ooh Ooh Ooh Ooh ♪
[cash register bell dings]
♪ Ooh Ooh Ooh Ooh Ooh Ooh Ooh ♪

What's up, everybody? Big day today.

Not as big as Christmas, but still marks the arrival of someone very blessed: Me.

Yeah, we get it.

You talk about your birthday more than Kanye West talks about Kanye West.

Caroline, I thought you would be crying.

Tears on your birthday have become as expected as an ex-Disney star going to rehab.

Why would I be sad?

I have my health, a business that's budding...

Boobs that aren't.

I don't believe in birthdays.

You're only as old as you feel.

Which makes me nothing years old.

Speaking of nothing...

Caroline, are we still on for Two Boots pizza tonight?

I'm closing the diner early in honor of your birthday, and just not because the city has demanded to look into the black mold situation.

Absolutely, Han.

You can have one slice with two toppings or two slices with one topping, and my birthday cake is a free flan 'cause I flirted with the dishwasher.

Caroline, sweetheart, if I was you, I would just put my head through a plate glass window.

Okay, everybody.

I have two announcements, both good news.

First, the guy who found the beak in his sandwich is not suing, and second, I'm gonna pop the question to Sophie.

Well, you've already popped everything else.

What do you think?

They say diamonds are a girl's best friend.

Oh, really?

I thought a girl's best friend was someone just a little fatter than her.

It was my grandma's from Russia.

I had my cousin Svela swallow it to bring it to America.

She passed customs, then she passed this.

Five, six rinses later, boom!

Duty free.

Well, I guess that's better than getting it at Kay.

Is Sophie expecting it?

Of course.

She doesn't like surprises since her family barn was torched by a mentally unstable farmhand.

Hi, I have a delivery for Caroline Channing from Martin Channing.

Oh, it's a birthday gift from my daddy all the way from prison.

Last year, he made me a macaroni art picture frame.

I mean, the man once rented Miami for a friend's bachelor party.

Hey, that picture frame fed us for two days.

Yeah, well, this thing is not pasta, and it's too big to fit through the door.

And so was I three months ago.

No, really.

My seat on an airplane used to be Row Three.

There it is in the street.

A condom full of hamburger meat?

Oh, my God.

Is that a Lamborghini?

Wait.

Is that my Lamborghini?

Yeah, it's a Lamborghini Aventador Roadster.

Wow.

Prison arts and crafts has gotten pretty fancy.

Well, it takes four years for these cars to be custom-made.

This one was ordered in 2011.

That's right, my father ordered this for me when he still had money.

Correction: When he had everyone else's money.

All my father ever gave me was that one iffy chromosome.

Well, here you go.

It's all yours.

I'm gonna walk home.

It's all about healthy choices.

[both squealing]

I got a car!

We got a car!

Damn, someone painted the Batmobile white.

Can't we have anything?

That's a $450,000 sports car.

I know.

Add a stackable washer/dryer and a motor home, and it's like Caroline won the Showcase Showdown.

It goes from 0 to 100 in 2.9 seconds.

And speaking of seconds, I'm getting seconds at Two Boots, and that rich bitch is paying.

Back off, Tokyo Drift.

This is our getaway car.

And by that, I mean get away from it.

You know, a car like this depreciates 50% the minute you drive it off the lot.

That's why I drive my Toyota Yaris.

Ooh la la.

[gasps] Is P. Diddy here?

Wait a minute. Is it Ted Turner?

No one cool owns it.

It's Caroline's.

Now, this is the kind of car that I would say yes to anything in.

Anything except tickets to Menopause The Musical.

Oh, hey, Caroline. Nice car.

I always liked you more than Max.

You know that, right, girl?

Really?

Cause yesterday, I heard you yell to Max, [imitating Sophie] "Is Caroline turning 47 or 48? Cause she acts like she's 65."

Yeah.

Yeah, I wanted to know what to write in your birthday card.

Well, everyone away from the car.

I just got off the phone with my dad.

The car is being seized in the morning.

Turns out they won't let me keep my present.

It's just like my eighth birthday when they made me return Mccaulay Culkin.

They bought you a boy?

You were rich.

Oh, boy, the car's right here, and you can't even use it.

That's like me having you two for waitresses.

Caroline, can I ask you a favor?

You're not using the car to propose to Sophie.

You heard how much she liked it.

And it's a little bit classier than my original plan: dinner and a cock fight in Yonkers.

Not that I'm listening, but I'm not gonna get proposed to at a gay bar.

Great, now my gay bar idea is out also.

No, Oleg.

I can't return the car with scratches, dents, or chlamydia.

But we can still drive it, right?

I mean, I've been on that cream for like a month.

Max, what is the ninth rule of the Lamborghini Club?

No red drinks in the car.

Here's my number one rule: If you're going to make me sleep in it, I am going to drink in it.

Well, just be careful.

I only have one Clorox wipe that has to last till my next birthday, and it's already lost a lot of its moisture.

I don't see why we have to just sit here.

We can't drive it.

My dad said if anything happens to it, we'll be responsible.

What could possibly happen on a weed run to deep Tijuana?

You know, I wish this car never came, and I wish I never sat in it.

It's the same reason I don't go to Barneys.

I don't like to be around things I can't afford anymore.

Same reason I don't go to the 99 Cent Store.

There's a Nerf tennis set half on the floor, half in the bin, none of it going home with me.

I was trying to be positive about my birthday this year, but, Max, if things hadn't happened with my father, tonight would have been a magical birthday for me.

Hey, there was some magic.

I personally made five vodka Sprites disappear.

Ta-da!

I would've got in the car and driven out to the Hamptons, and we'd sit on the beach all night having lobster caught by one of the townies and drink champagne while taking duckface selfies till the sun came up.

FYI, I'm the townie in this scenario, and I hate all of you.

Instead of doing any of that, I'm having the worst birthday.

I probably feel worse than Demi Moore did when she turned 50.

Yes, just go to sleep.

You'll feel better tomorrow when you wake up.

I mean, if that guy with the switchblade doesn't come back like he promised he would.

Caroline.

Caroline, wake up.

[water crashing]

We're at the beach.

I drove us out to the Hamptons.

Happy birthday!

We're in the Hamptons?

[shouting] We're in the Hamptons?

How are we in the Hamptons?

How long have I been sleeping?

Three hours, give or take.

You farted twice.

How did I not wake up?

I know. It was pretty bad.

After that last one, I thought we were going through Egg Town.

Max, you did it again.

You roofied me, didn't you?

Of course I did.

You were crying and babbling about the Hamptons, so I had to put you down.

You promised you wouldn't again.

The last time, I was out for two days.

Yeah, I really just needed to get through Game of Thrones without someone talking during the incest.

What is wrong with you?

Have you got a pen and paper?

You knew I didn't want to do this.

You never want to do anything, so I did it for you.

You took a $450,000 car, a car we're not even supposed to be touching, on a joyride to the Hamptons?

You wanted to be here.

You are here.

Just enjoy it.

I can't enjoy it.

Scotty to the bridge.

This is Captain Kirk.

Scotty to the bridge.

You drove over the dunes and onto the beach?

Not intentionally.

I tried to stop it, but this car was like, "Mm, no, girl."

Oh, my God.

Did it get any scratches?

Max, get out of the car, and help me look for scratches.

You said you were more fun in the Hamptons.

Not true.

Mr. Sulu, fire all phasers.

No scratches. The Lamborghini is fine.

But thanks to you, I'm a Rent-A-Wreck.

Come on, we have to get this car back.

We will. Jeez, relax.

We still have time.

Look, you said you wanted to be here.

You're here, and we are not leaving till you do something beach-y, like walk in the water or find a half-eaten lady from Jaws.

No. No way. Let's go.

Just take off your shoes or something.

No.

Just take off your shoes and feel the sand.

Max! Max, stop.

I haven't had a proper pedicure since Justin Timberlake released a single.

There. Now move your foot around.

No.

No. No! No.

Oh. Oh, yeah.

That feels nice.

The cold sand between my toes.

But, Max, don't look.

That middle nail's a horror show.

Too late.

I thought it was a pistachio for a second.

Max, how much do you love the beach?

I don't know. I've never been to one.

You've never been to a beach?

No. What's the point?

I don't own a metal detector.

Well, time's up.

But we just sat down.

I know, but if we leave right now, we'll still have enough time to blow through a McDonald's drive-through like something from Back to the Future.

Well, I'm gonna write our names in the sand 'cause it was a really nice thing for you to drug me, kidnap me, and steal my car to get me out here.

Hey, we're friends.

All right, I'll just turn this baby around.

[engine revving]

Uh-oh.

What's "uh-oh"?

What is "uh-oh"?

Are we stuck in the sand?

You have correctly identified the meaning of "uh-oh."

I love that we don't need full sentences to communicate anymore.

Try it again.

[engine revving]

Nope.

I've had less trouble getting out of athlete's apartments.

Well, you're gonna have to get out and push.

Why do I have to push?

Because you're the one who drugged me, kidnapped me, and stole my car.

Exactly.

I've already done the lion's share of the work.

And it's our car.

Fine, I'll do it.

[engine stops]

Door's up, Lieutenant Uhura.

It stopped being funny when we got stuck.

God, don't worry.

I got a 600-pound woman out of a booth at the diner with my bare hands.

I'm fearless.

Toss her in neutral like I did with that lady.

Sand and heels. Not a good combo.

Not a good combo. Not a good combo.

Oh, all right.

All right.

I'm gonna floor it.

[engine revs]

On the count of three.

One, two...

[engine revving]

I got excited. I went early.

If I had a dime for every time I heard that, I could buy this car.

All right, let's try again.

One, two...

[engine revving]

[coughs]

Okay, that was on purpose.

A little bit.

I can't believe it.

I can't believe that I can't believe it, but I really can't believe it.

We are in very big trouble, and we're not even in the good Hamptons.

I was trying to do something nice.

First time, last time.

You know what you are?

You are reckless.

You know, all this time, I thought you were a ride-or-die kind of bitch.

I am a ride-or-die kind of bitch.

What's a ride-or-die kind of bitch?

Are you Googling "ride-or-die kind of bitch"?

I would be, but I only have two bars.

[sighs]

Look, we have two options: Get the car out of the sand, or let the tide take us.

Put a pin in that tide thing, 'cause I like the sound of it.

We barely have enough time to get this car back to the city, or we owe $450,000.

And I only have $3, and 2 of it's in nickels.

Now get in the car.

You're hoarding nickels, and I'm walking out of the 99 Cent Store empty-handed?

Now I'm mad.

Get ready.

What are you doing?

I'm pushing us out of here.

[engine turns over, revs]

Because I'm a ride-or-die kind of bitch!

I think.

[grunts]

Now hit it!

[engine revving]

What'd you do? Fart us out of the ditch?

Seriously, Caroline, step on it.

No, Max.

We can't risk getting into an accident.

What if it's not fatal?

Driving a Lamborghini slow is like going to Red Lobster and not getting the Cheddar Bay biscuits.

Come on, we got to enjoy this car while we can.

Hit the gas. All right.

I'll take it up to the top of my age dating window.

40.

And I'll take it to the top of mine.

80! [engine revving]

Let go. Have some fun.

No, don't push on my leg!

Don't push on my...

[screaming]

[laughing]

Yes! Yes!

Best birthday ever!

Should we Thelma and Louise it?

You mean drive over a cliff?

No, I mean wear sunglasses and hold hands.

They drive over a cliff?

I never saw the end.

There they are.

Did you girls get the car back in time this morning?

Yep, just in time, thanks to Caroline.

She was ignoring speed limit signs like she does homeless people.

A state trooper called my driving criminally negligent.

I was so proud.

I might've even gotten emotional, but I had to talk our way out of the ticket, and I like to be professional when my shirt's off.

[chuckles]

You didn't get a ticket?

Yesterday, I got arrested for just walking into Whole Foods.

I can't believe I still have sand in my hair.

If the only place you still have sand is in your hair, you're lucky.

I'm about to make a pearl down there.

Oh, hey, there, destitute Barbie.

Sorry you lost the dream car.

Anyway, I'll be in my booth.

Sophie, beautiful baby...

I've narrowed down the site of my proposal to three options: A, the place we met...

B, the place we've had sex most often... or C, the place we've had sex most recently.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

All three of those places are this booth!

That's right.

Sophie Kachinsky...

He's proposing at the diner?

What's he gonna do? Put an onion ring on it?

[inhales sharply]

Oh...

I love that.

You know, I was planning on saying no and making you beg for a few hours, but...

I just love you too much.

Aw, that's so not as gross as normal.

Now it is.

[cash register bell dings]